The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--and How to Make the Most of Them Now
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About this audiobook
Drawing from a decade of work with hundreds of twentysomething clients and students, THE DEFINING DECADE weaves the latest science of the twentysomething years with behind-closed-doors stories from twentysomethings themselves. The result is a provocative read that provides the tools necessary to make the most of your twenties, and shows us how work, relationships, personality, social networks, identity, and even the brain can change more during this decade than at any other time in adulthood-if we use the time wisely.
THE DEFINING DECADE is a smart, compassionate and constructive book about the years we cannot afford to miss.
Meg Jay
Meg Jay, PhD, is a developmental clinical psychologist who specializes in twentysomethings. She earned a doctorate in clinical psychology, and in gender studies, from the University of California, Berkeley. Her books have been translated into more than a dozen languages and her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, and on NPR and BBC. Her TED talk, “Why 30 Is Not the New 20,” is among the most watched of all time. Dr. Jay is on faculty at University of Virginia and maintains a private practice in Charlottesville.
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Reviews for The Defining Decade
207 ratings18 reviews
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Abso-freaking-lutely one of the best and most relevant self-help books I've ever read! I strongly recommend it to any and all twenty-somethings who find words like college, professional identity, (first-time-working) anxiety, (online) dating (and dating down), job hunting, urban tribes, personality, marriage, children, planning for the future, and/or many others at all relevant to them!
Now please excuse me while I go find a job. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Thank you so much for writing this meg! I'm 26 years old about to set off on a year trip to Spain and this has really changed the way I am going to approach my trip. I'm excited for the future and look forward to making more conscious decisions. Thank you!
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Meg Jay drops some uncomfortable but necessary truth bombs.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5So good! Majorly inspiring read. Great mention of John Irvine. I’m a 24 year old woman of color.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This was an excellent and insightful read. As a 24-year old, I got exactly what I hoped for in reading it. Clarified a lot.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Amazing book, I usually hate self help books, but this one really helps give insight on what happens when we don't make something happen in our twenties.
Meg Jay explains through cases how different areas in our life are affected when we don't make decisions about them, how working on them gives results at some point and small tips on how we can make things work for us. I - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Listened to this book in my mid-20s. It is eye-opening and direct to the point. Recommended for all 20-somethings.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Such a great book. Definitely a must read for any twentysomething no matter where you are in your life!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Amazing and painfully true ! Highly recommended for all in their 20s!
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5This book can be sum up with one sentence: decide what you want to do with your life at your 20s, and make plans for it. However, I don’t think the author gave concrete advice in how to achieve those things. The thesis of book was vaguely written.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A solid read to cross-check what do you need to keep on the radar in your twenties.
p.s. I'm adopting a 3-star centered review system, where a reasonably good read gets 3 stars and 4 is better than average.
p.p.s. I now see a lot of negative reviews from people who don't see themselves in each and every story of the book. Dr. Jay wrote in the beginning that stories were collected from tens of her previous clients and in many cases combined into one. It would be really troubling if you would see each problem and solution apply to you. But remember that most psychologists first deal with the denial of the problem, not with the problem itself. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book was fabulous and laying out the research, anecdotes, and how we fool ourselves into thinking we don't have to start now and end up sabotaging ourselves instead. She gives concrete strategies for defining your life in your twenties. Very easy read.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Defining Decade is a must-read for anyone in that decade of their life. In this book Meg Jay takes you through every possible scenario you could ever imagine occurring in your 20s. She covers everything from career to love and leaves you invaluable advice on how to get your life together. And if you think your life is already together? Well Meg Jay forces you to rethink each aspect of your life and what "together" means leading to an amazing journey of self-exploration.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5For the twenty-somethings that have been struggling to find clear focus, she does a great job at varying how she makes a point to keep your attention. This isn't a self-help book, but a comforting reality check; hard not to be changed after reading it and realizing that the time is always now.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I spend my days creating programs to connect students at a liberal arts college to their futures. I chose this book as a group read for my staff. I had read it about 5 years back, and from what I recalled it was a good foundation for helping students start to think sensibly about future. I also had an ulterior motive: more than half of my staff is under 30, and I thought there was helpful information for a couple of them. The group read meeting is Friday, so we will see how that went. In any event, I re-read the book to lead the discussion and the career section really held up. At least a 4-star. The rest though, was not as good. ProsThe concept of identity capital is so important, and it is something no one pays attention to. I am not just talking about students, but parents as well. If I hear one more report of a parent advising their kids to take jobs that have nothing to do with the professional profile the student wants to build because they will make more money than at a job where they will build skills and contacts worth something. I fully understand that students have loans to pay, but assuming both positions have a base salary that will pay loans and keep the new grad fed and clothed, this is terrible thinking. Living in a crap-hole for a few years never killed anyone when it is in the service of growth and success. Students need to be aware of the value of what they are doing to their future plans. If the communications grad can get a job in marketing in a nonprofit for $13 an hour and a job at Starbucks for $16 an hour and it is possible for them to live on the lower amount, the choice is clear. Thank you Dr. Jay for saying so.Another pro, the focus on doing something rather than doing nothing. Doing nothing is only a good thing if it is a restorative rest between doing things. Doing something doesn't have to be a traditional job, but it has to be something from which you grow. Loose ties is also something most people (of any age and depth of experience) do not get. Loose ties make the world go round. A good network is what gives you flexibility and mobility. The vast majority of the time you can work hard, be great at your job, and without the network your career will not thrive.ConsThe whole section of the book that is about love is riddled with appalling assumptions. The assumption that everyone wants to get married is absurd. Worse yet, the section on fertility. You do not need to have babies ever, and certainly not before you are 30. I was so angry when I read all of this. The ultratraditional heteronormative advice isn't based on social or biological science. It is anti-LGBT, anti-feminist, anti-rural, and racist. It drips with that special brand of upper-middle class suburban condescension that marginalizes the experiences and goals of nearly everyone in America. I say this as someone raised an upper-middle-class suburban girl who went to law school, got married and had my healthy baby. This is not defensive, its objectively that bad.So read the first and last section, skip the middle, and this is pretty darn worthwhile.
1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Yup, I read this book. It was good and informative.
But I have to say, the main thing it told me was the stuff I already knew. Which, to be fair, I maybe needed to be told again. But that was the fault of a lot of adults in my network (not my parents, to be clear) making sure I know that I'm still young, and it's fine to have fun, and blah blah blah.
That has always irritated me, because I have always felt like I was missing out. I have never heard my parents regret having a family so young or talk about the things they could have done if they had spent their 20s the way I have spent a good chunk of mine.
Seriously, listen to the people who you know who are in their twenties and decide if they sound happy to you. Compare the ones who are on a solid career path with those who are blundering around trying to figure things out. Because this whole "being young, having fun" thing is way overrated.
And this book is all about that. It's all about young twenty-something people who are torn between all of these cliches and ideas that are fed to them by older influences, like parents, employers, etc. For example, "you can be anything you want," which at some point just makes people feel like they can't be anything, or "You should be having fun!" which makes people think that by partying and taking it easy all the time, they are doing what they are supposed to be doing, even if they don't feel remotely fulfilled.
So basically this book reinforced everything that I already thought/believed but was starting to think I was being unrealistic about, mainly because everybody I know, peers and older role models (not to mention a couple of people I did informational interviews with) said that I shouldn't worry and everything will work out and blah blah blah.
So, you know. This book is good. Recommended, even. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5In my mind, this book is a must-read for twenty-somethings. Meg Jay, a psychologist specializing in adult development, illuminates some of the important, life-changing elements of our twenties, using real-life patients as examples. Jay talks about how our twenties set the stage for the rest of our lives and are the time to actively plan for the lives we want rather than expecting that everything will just fall into place. Our twenties do matter, even though society has viewed this decade more and more as an extended adolescence rather than real adulthood.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This one was extremely good, and I'd recommend it to anyone who's in their twenties or generally interested in the topic. It's the perfect mix of advice, scientific studies, and individual anecdotes, all presented in a very readable style. There are just so many thought-provoking issues discussed here, and it manages to provide useful guidance in an optimistic way. For example, Jay talks about the issue of what people are supposed to be doing career-wise in their twenties: we constantly hear that life is starting later, so maybe our twenties don't matter, and we should just be exploring the world or working at an easy minimal-wage job while hanging out with our friends? Well, no. Everything we do right now is still building the foundation for our future lives, and even though the process takes longer, that doesn't mean we shouldn't get started. Everything we do contributes in some way to who we're going to become. Jay also talks about the particular time crunch facing women who hope to establish themselves in good careers and also have children: there's not necessarily time to do it all later, because fertility declines rapidly. On a similar note, she advises against cohabitation before engagement, because that leads to a sort of slipping into a permanent relationship, rather than making an active decision; the hindrances to leaving accumulate, and as you get older you figure you might as well get married, and that doesn't always lead to the best results. Again, what we do now matters, and we should be doing it consciously. It was refreshing to see someone actually address these issues and talk about the best way to proceed, as opposed to the general lamenting about twenty-somethings that I generally seem to read about. Again, highly recommended.