If You Could Read My Voice

RAINS

STAND BACK, BUENOS AIRES…

Ripped from the international police blotter…Argentina’s soccer legend Diego Maradona recently received a two-year suspended sentence for shooting at four journalists in February 1994. Prosecutors sought four years at El Graybaro, and Maradona wanted the gentle boot of community service.

Maradona, author of the infamous ‘Hand of God’ goal in 1986, and arguably one of the greatest strikers ever before succumbing to the seduction of Cali Cartel Candy, gets no jail time for intentionally shooting an air rifle at a group of unarmed reporters.

His illegal handball goal in the 1986 World Cup, which he modestly credited to the ‘Hand of God’, possibly cost England the Cup. After all these years, he has finally admitted punching the ball into the net.

So, his classic score was not thanks to the ‘Hand of God’. Getting off virtually scot-free after publicly shooting at a crowd—now that may be the ‘Hand of God’.

OH, STEVE, CAN YOU SEE…

Former United States National Soccer Team Coach Steve Sampson, in addressing American midfielder Tab Ramos’ negative comments aimed at him, said, It’s unfair Tab Ramos feels free to voice his opinion about me when I gave him so much respect. I don’t understand where athletes get this freedom to express themselves.

Steve, even though you’re no longer the coach of the U.S. team, I will happily answer your question with the help of a visual aid. Go into your hall closet and pull out your U.S. Soccer warm-up jacket. Go ahead. I’ll wait…

Got it? Good. Now, look at the red, white, and blue emblem on it that symbolizes a nation whose citizens believe in freedom of expression for each and every American—including soccer players.

Do you understand now?

GO DOWN…AND UP…DOWN…AND UP

Conventional wisdom used to say that sex before athletic endeavors would lessen the athlete’s ability to fully perform.

The English National Ballet, staging Prokofiev’s classic Romeo and Juliet, clearly begs to differ. Looking to instill passion and sexuality into their production, the dancers are being strongly encouraged, by the company artistic director, to ‘intertwine’ before performances to give the show more sexual overtones.

Not a bad job, eh? Performing in your national ballet, and being openly encouraged to get it on before going on.

I have only one small problem with this scenario. The dancers felt compelled to alter one of the greatest lines in all of literature to reflect this new direction.

Now, when Juliet floats out onto the balcony, she says, Romeo, Romeo, you were great in my dressing room, Romeo.

BUD SELIG IS FULL OF CRAPS

In the 1980’s, Willie Mays and the late Mickey Mantle were banned from baseball for their associations with Atlantic City casinos.

My, how times do change.

Today, a scant fifteen years later, several major league ballclubs accept direct advertising from casinos and one of these, the Arizona Diamondbacks, has a direct link from their web site to the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority, which includes a guide to sports books!!

In commenting on this contradiction, and society’s apparent broad acceptance of gambling, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said, After all, gambling is legal everywhere.

No kidding? When did gambling become legal everywhere? Was I out-of-town?

Pete Rose, twit that he is, cannot get his deserved spot in the Hall-of-Fame because he allegedly bet on baseball games. Allegedly. Now, major league clubs are being paid to indirectly encourage sports book action on baseball games.

Separate situations? Sure.

But, if Major League Baseball can now be handsomely paid to promote gambling—a vice once considered worse than murder in the big leagues—can we not jump into the new millenium and acknowledge Pete’s errors, but still send him to Cooperstown for his hits?

CHICAGO BULLS 6, AMA Zippo

The American Medical Association criticized Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls for lighting up victory cigars to celebrate their sixth ring. The AMA believes sports teams and the television industry should not be promoting a positive association between champion athletes and tobacco.

I have no problem encouraging athletes to refrain from tobacco use in public forums—none whatsoever. They are, like it or not, role models, and kids emulate them.

Stop showing Jimmy Leyland sneaking a drag in the dugout. Continue the campaign to get athletes to stop giving themselves mouth-related cancers through chew and snuff. Fine.

But a victory cigar is more about the symbolism of success than it is about puffing a cancer log. Find me a group of adult smokers who took up this dangerous addiction because they saw Red Auerbach fire one up at the Garden, and I’ll get with the AMA 100%.

Come to think of it, maybe we should ban the traditional televised New Year’s Eve champagne toasts. Who knows how many aspiring Rippleheads got their first fermented inkling from watching 35-year-olds sipping carbonated grape juice once a year?

THE GREED BAY PACKERS

The Green Bay Packers couldn’t hold their annual stockholders meeting in their usual downtown hotel. It seems that a slightly larger venue was needed—like Lambeau Field!

You see, the Pack had a stock sale last year, which added over 100,000 shareholders to the rolls. Team loyalists could spend a few hundred bucks for a share, get minimal say, and be liable for future debts the team incurs. What a great deal, huh? It gets better.

The team told these new stockholders—many of whom are lifelong season-ticket holders who have spent their time, money, and blood on the team for generations—that they couldn’t bring their own refreshments to the meeting. If they wanted to eat—as on game days—the concession stands would be open.

That’s right. You give us $24 million, get basically no voting rights, and are technically on the hook for any operating losses the team suffers in the future. But—if you want a beer and brat at your stockholder meeting, you gotta fork over the same $7.50 you would on a frigid December Sunday.

What a crock of hot mustard.

KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY, KNOW WHEN TO RUN…

Hall-of-Fame football coach Bill Walsh, 66, was playing blackjack at Harrah’s Lake Tahoe when another casino patron, 33-year-old Kurt Lewis, allegedly punched him.

According to the sheriff’s report, Lewis said he jokingly offered Walsh blackjack advice. An irritated Walsh waved a hand at Lewis, and brushed his shirt, while loudly telling him to get away from him. Lewis responded with a haymaker to the choppers.

Bill, do you know the song The Gambler?

Well, one ‘lost’ verse that Kenny edited out of the final record, but which might have helped you avoid this confrontation, has been unearthed by the crack SportstatiC staff and will be published here as a worldwide exclusive. The music is the last four lines of the refrain…

WHEN A STRANGER GIVES ADVICE,

JUST BOTTLE UP THAT RAGE,

IT’S NEVER SMART TO DRAW DOWN

ON SOMEONE HALF YOUR AGE.

PSYCHO KILLERS, QU’EST-CE QUE C’EST

The owners of a semi-pro football team based in Springfield, Missouri were pressured by mental health professionals to change the team’s name from the insensitive Springfield Psychos to the oh-so-placid Springfield Rage. The executive director of the local mental health alliance said, The mentally ill have enough of a stigma without this team’s name.

Team members will earn $100/game during the 15-game season.

A question—how can the mentally ill be upset about a semi-pro team’s name they either know nothing of, don’t care about, or cannot comprehend?

And how about a measly $100/game to get your head bashed in by weekend warrior wannabes?

Now that’s mentally ill…

THEIR PRICES ARE…INSANE

A Traverse City, Michigan insane asylum had a garage sale, hoping to raise enough money to fund new uses for the buildings and grounds of the closed institution.

Leather restraints, large brass kettles, a fever-inducing chamber, and a human skeleton were just some of the more colorful items on the block.

The hottest items at the sale?

Rare, discontinued Springfield Psychos T-shirts.

UTILITIES ARE INCLUDED

For most of us, Wimbledon means seeing some of the day’s finest tennis stars spend two weeks in London competing for the title and the big check.

For the affluent Wimbledonian homeowner, it means having some of the day’s finest stars cut them a big check because they already own a title—to their home, that is.

Tennis stars will gladly pay up to $20,000 for the fortnight at a Wimbledon hacienda.

Of course, they will be charged extra for…special requests.

We could see Anna Kournikova forking over an extra $5,000 so that every room is wired for video. For security reasons, of course. Even with the trapeze.

And those fine Williams sisters, Venus & Serena. It could run them $15,000 or more to have the rear of their rental partially torn open so that, whenever they entered or departed, they could comfortably fit through carrying those gigantic boulders plastered to their shoulders.

PLAY TILL YOU DROP

When Brazil defeated Holland in the 1998 World Cup semifinals, it did so via a so-called shootout after 120 minutes of great soccer that had resulted in a 1-1 tie. In these shootouts, each team selects five players to shoot unobstructed free kicks from the penalty spot a short 12 yards away from the goalkeeper. Whoever scores the most penalty kicks wins.

Shootouts in the World Cup have to go. After years of practices and qualifying, months of tune-up games, and a few weeks of soccer at the highest level, the match is decided by a handful of dramatic kicks and whichever goalie guesses right.

Imagine this: The Super Bowl, tied at 27 after the overtime quarter, decided by 5 unrushed field goals from 25, 30, 35, 40, and 45 yards. Or the NBA Finals—after two overtime periods, Game 7 is decided by 10 free throws a side. Or the World Series—after 12 innings of deadlocked baseball, also in Game 7, it’s then decided by one at-bat per side, mano a mano.

American fans would go ballistic, and rightfully so.

I do appreciate the aerobic fatigue involved in top-level soccer. No other sport demands such non-stop running, at a good clip, for 45 minutes straight without benefit of timeouts, substitutions, or offensive/defensive transitional play. And games could drag on for hours.

So what? It’s once every four years!

Make provisions for additional substitutions, timeouts, rest intervals between overtime periods, etc. But decide the biggest worldwide sporting event as it should be decided…

By 11 players. Not 12 yards.

RIDING THE STROM OUT

95-year-old South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond cast his 15,000th Senate vote this past summer, joining West Virginia’s Robert Byrd as the only other senator to ever hit that mark.

Thurmond was first elected in 1954, and is now serving his eighth term. The Senate celebrated his milestone with long-winded, glowing tributes to both the quality, and longevity, of his public service.

Senator Thurmond, though flattered by the bipartisan testimonials, wanted to get back to work and continue to apply the keen insights that had kept him constantly one step ahead.

Turning to an aide, he asked, "So, what time does Apollo 11 blast off for that moon landing?"

He was given a Lorna Doone and put down for his hourly nap.

YESSSSS!

Police in Franklin Square, New York are searching for a backyard bandit who has been stealing bras, panties—and more creative lingerie—off a young woman’s clothesline for over three years.

The frustrated police, having been unable to nab the teddy taker, set up a hidden video surveillance camera, hoping to catch the cami crook in mid-clothespin.

Shortly after, he struck again, but this time his image was caught on tape.

The police describe the man as a stocky, dark-haired man in his 40’s, with a goatee and mustache that are possibly fake.

Marv, will you please get a full-time job?

OF COURSE, I’LL SIGN—BUT IS RHINOPLASTY SPELLED CORRECTLY?

The A-list had arrived.

The pre-nups were inked.

The turrets were properly positioned to take out any tabloid fly-overs.

And Roger Clinton had finally