Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters
3.5/5
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About this ebook
Hilariously imagined text conversations—the passive aggressive, the clever, and the strange—from classic and modern literary figures, from Scarlett O'Hara to Jessica Wakefield
Daniel M. Lavery, the co-creator of the cult-favorite website The Toast, presents this whimsical collection of hysterical text conversations from your favorite literary characters. Everyone knows that if Scarlett O'Hara had an unlimited text-and-data plan, she'd constantly try to tempt Ashley away from Melanie with suggestive messages. If Mr. Rochester could text Jane Eyre, his ardent missives would obviously be in all-caps. And Daisy Buchanan would not only text while driving, she'd text you to pick her up after she totaled her car. Based on the popular web-feature, Texts from Jane Eyre is a witty, irreverent mashup that brings the characters from your favorite books into the twenty-first century.
Daniel M. Lavery
Daniel M. Lavery is the “Dear Prudence” advice columnist at Slate, the cofounder of The Toast, and the New York Times bestselling author of Texts From Jane Eyre and The Merry Spinster.
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Reviews for Texts from Jane Eyre
310 ratings32 reviews
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5So this book was a ton of fun to read! I've always loved Mallory Ortberg's irreverent humor, and it translates in such an amazing way to Texts From Jane Eyre. If you ever wondered what your favorite literary characters would sound like via text, this a book for you. I giggled my way through pages of classic stories redone as text messages. I think my favorite was definitely Virginia Wolff's very long, very ranting text. I'll leave it for you to discover what she writes!
For those of you who don't read too many classics, some of your other favorite literary characters make cameos as well. In fact, if you've ever seen any of Mallory Ortberg's text conversations on Tumblr and laughed, this book is for you. It contains much more of the same, through the flying fingers of Ron Weasley, Scarlett O'Hara, and even Plato. I'm not sure what else I can say! It's a fun, quick read, and a great way to pass a few hours. Enjoy! - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I read this mostly in airports and on planes, and I thought it would be a perfect fit for that environment--funny and entertaining without requiring me to pay super close attention to any unfolding plot or building elements. And that was true... but I didn't care for the book much. The idea here is "what if classic book characters texted each other." The exhanges appear in text format (as if they were on an iphone) and use colloquial text speech. I won't deny that some of the exchanges had me snorting with laughter, but *most* of them made me make the "eh?" face. Just, usually not that funny? Also, you need to be *very* familiar with most of the texts Ortberg is riffing on for the jokes to land. It happens that I was, most of the time, but for the texts I didn't know (or know really well), the exchanges are nigh on meaningless. This is probably mostly a case of humor being subjective (it's clear from reviews that this book worked very well for some people), but I did sometimes feel my deep aversion to dismissiveness kicking in. Some of the exchanges feel unfair and... mean in their treatment of the source material rather than send-uppy and fun. Like, we're here to have a good time, not make some people feel shitty for liking a particular text. YMMV.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I've read a lot of serious fiction lately, so this was a nice break. It's the kind of book that you can pick up, read a few entries, and move on. I bookmarked my favorites as I went along to revisit down the road. Ortberg begins with a series of imagined text conversations from mythological characters (Circe, Dido, and Achilles, for example), then moves on to Hamlet, Jane Eyre, Great Expectations, William Faulkner, The Sun Also Rises, J. Alfred Prufrock, Daisy Miller, William Carlos Williams, and more. Be forewarned: you will need some familiarity with the original in order to catch the humor. This wasn't too much of an issue for me until the last entries, which focused on Children's, YA, and some pop novels which (with the exception of Nancy Drew) I hadn't read. The book includes fun drawings of selected characters. Overall, an enjoyable and witty escape.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Imagine some of the famous (and infamous) characters from literature, including mythology, having access to the modern technology of texting and voice mail. The exchange between Gilgamesh and Ishtar is very funny. She is trying to convince him to come join her and he repeatedly points out that her former boyfriends are either dead or MIA. Plato trying to explain the allegory of the cave is hysterical. He is trying to explain it to someone who is taking it literally and wants to go save all the poor cave dwellers before the fire gets to them. It includes more modern works also, like two characters from Fight Club, discussing Fight Club. Never seen the movie or read the book but I do know the first rule of Fight Club so it was very funny.
Texts from Jane Eyre is a great deal of fun to listen to. The narrators do an amazing job with the different characters and the emotions. The snark flows nicely. This is also one book that I think would work much much better an an audio than reading it. I did not read the book, physical or kindle. I listened to the Audible version.
I know I am not doing this book justice in my description. It really is funny. The only reason is rated 4 instead of 5 stars because I am woefully ignorant of some of the pieces featured, like Daisy Miller, The Outsiders, and The Babysitters Club. At two hours and twenty-two minutes this is the perfect listen for a drive or just some free time that you would like to to be filled with humor. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Ortberg is genius. Her text conversations as distillations of famous works of literature are brilliant, especially of classics which don't have a clear plot line. Not that The Hunger Games isn't mighty amusing as well. Not recommended for anyone who isn't at least passing familiar with the books being parodied, because they're just not very funny if you don't get it.
Library copy - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5With The Toast shutting down, I took the opportunity to revisit Mallory Ortberg's literary texts. Ortberg has fun creating messages from mythical and literary characters from Medea and Achilles, to Hamlet and Jane Eyre, to Sweet Valley High's Wakefield twins and Harry Potter. Ortberg has a light hand and a humorous outlook and each segment was a great deal of fun to read. Here's Samuel Taylor Coleridge:what if the moon was hauntedby women who had sex with demonswhatwhat if kubla khan made a whole domejust for pleasureand put an ocean underneath the groundwith no sun in itwowi don't knowand rivers flung boulders up out of the earth at peopleha haflung 'em right up at people's stupid facesi guess that would be really somethingyou're damn right it'd be somethingcaves of iceand ancestral war voices prophesying about damselsand sacred rivers screaming bewareand your hair would floatandugh hang ontwo secondsthere's a guy hereokbe right back
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Texts From Jane Eyre: the re-imagined conversations between literary characters if they all carried a smartphone. Sounds hilarious, but I admittedly didn’t have much interest in this initially because I feared far too much of this would go right over my head considering I’m quite ignorant of the vast majority of “classics”. I listened to a 60 second clip of this audiobook though and I was already cracking up so I decided to give this one a shot regardless. Texts From Jane Eyre goes beyond just Jane Eyre, portraying the likes of Odysseys and Circe, Edgar Allan Poe, Peter Pan, Harry Potter, and even the broody Achilles who contemplates the possibility of going home and being a farmer.As I mentioned, the majority of these stories did in fact go right over my head because like hell I’m attempting to read Atlas Shrugged. Or Moby Dick for that matter. I haven’t given up hope that I may actually conquer Gone with the Wind though. Despite my occasional confusion, the combined narration of Amy Landon and Zach Villa still managed to make this a vastly entertaining couple of hours (the audiobook is a mere 2h 22m long). The various different accents they implemented made this feel at times like a full cast narration. I downloaded the eBook as well in order to capture screen shots and I must say that while the passages were funny, having this read to you was an altogether different (and better) experience. A brief visit to sparknotes.com to get the gist of the classics did prove to be helpful if you wish to take the time to become quickly acquainted with the lesser known characters. As for the ones I did know that required no introduction, such as Sherlock, they were so hilariously and accurately depicted that I found myself rewinding and re-listening because I was often laughing too hard to hear the whole passage.Other favorites were Ron telling Hermione about the magic “credit cards” he signed up for (Harry Potter), Peeta’s frosting emergency (Hunger Games), and the hilarious harassment via texting from Mrs. Danvers (Rebecca).Suffice it to say, I thoroughly enjoyed this one and highly recommend the audio edition. Mallory Ortberg successfully added a modern flair and humor to literature’s most treasured characters, bringing them to life once again and reminding us what made them memorable in the first place.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I love The Toast and think Mallory Ortberg is possibly the funniest writer around right now, so I had high hopes for this. When I got the references, I was in stitches, but the main lesson to take from the book was that I'm not very well read. My advice: catch up on your classics before digging into this if you want to really appreciate it.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Ortberg’s book combines English major jokes with off-beat, Millennial humor. From Medea, Gilgamesh, Achilles, Dido, Plato, Circe, all the way to The Yellow Wallpaper, this compendium of witty and charming text messages from and to characters that we all know from history, great short stories, novels, plays, up to and including Nancy Drew, Hamlet and Wuthering Heights had me laughing. Her familiarity with Hamlet, Edgar Allen Poe, Rudyard Kipling, Macbeth, Daisy Miller, Katniss Everdeen, and of course, Jane Eyre, is such that she can satirize them all intelligently, in the cadence of the original work.
Some excerpts:
- Hamlet texting HE'S NOT MY REAL DAD WHY DO YOU EVEN LIKE HIM
- Peeta texting Katniss about a "frosting emergency" while she's busy hunting.
- And Ron falling for a Nigerian prince scam because he doesn't understand how credit cards and technology work, resulting in an epic face-palm from Hermione.
This isn't a book I'd rush out and buy but if you happen to see it at your local library, pick up a copy to keep on your coffee table to look at while someone is watching a show you have no interest in. - Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5I think you have to have a better memory of all the literature you've read to really get a lot of enjoyment out of it. The stuff I've read recently and that is more ingrained in my brain made for the funniest texts.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book is hilarious. The literature used is fairly diverse (Gilgamesh all the way to The Hunger Games). Some entries parody the actual book, others the author/poet, and others the characters of the book.I think the test of a parody is if it's still funny even if you don't know the original source. There are plenty of books included that I have not read, but the texts were still very humorous. For the most part, as long as you have a basic understanding of the author or story, you can get most of the jokes.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Ortberg is a founder of and writes a lot of the content on the Toast. These short pieces are Toast-like versions: what if Cathy and Heathcliff and the second Mrs. DeWinter and Hamlet all texted the other people in their stories? What if Medea kept pestering Glauce via text to urge her to put on her gift dress? If you like the Toast, then this might be a cute little book to have in your bathroom; it’s not really the kind of thing you want to sit down and read straight through.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5This book came across my circulation desk last week, and I was very intrigued by the concept. Ortberg took the general theme/feel of the most popular classics and transformed them into text messages -- well as she imagined as how the characters would have texted. My absolute favorite was the texts from Wuthering Heights. The messages exchanged between Cathy and Heathcliff had me barreled over in laughter. I rated this book as only 3 stars because some of the lesser known classics were included, and I didn't know first-hand if the texts were supposed to be serious or funny. But it's worth checking out of the library regardless.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Funniest book of 2014!Mallory Ortberg writes for The Toast, on online website, where she writes a feature called "Texts From." Basically it's a hilarious feature about authors, poets, writers, and characters from all the above and what they would probably text if they lived during the age of cell phones. This is probably the funniest book of 2014. This is the kind of book where you read silently to yourself while laughing out loud. Then someone asks about what you're reading, so you decided to read out loud to said person and they laugh. Others overheard and join in. Soon your solitude of reading turns into an event. But you don't mind because humor like this can't be contained withing the binding of a book. This is a book that bibliophiles will get a kick out of. Everyone should add this to their bookshelf!
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5A one-joke premise is stretched beyond its breaking point in this mildly entertaining collection of imagined text messages from fictional and real-life literary figures. Some of these dialogs are more inspired than others, but all of the highlighted characters communicate in whiny voices that are more grating than humorous.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Just what would Mr. Rochester text Jane Eyre if there were cell phones in the 19th century? This collection of imagined text messages between characters from famous novels as well as famous authors is a fun and funny read for any book nerd with a sense of humour. Some of my personal favourites among the exchanges are John Keats raving to a friend about a Greek urn, Nancy Drew and Ned texting between rounds of being tied up, Ron and Hermione discussing physics, math, and muggle credit cards, Elizabeth Bennett dealing with her mother's never ending texts. A fun and fast read.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5"Texts from Jane Eyre" was fascinating, although I have not read some of the classic literature exibhited in the book I could understood the plot and could pin point where in the books the excerpts were located in the ones I have read. The modern text slang was easy enough to read, I even found my boyfriend who doesn't read, reading over my shoulder and laughing. Couldn't put it down. A great book for any reading enthusiast.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5This book was just okay for me. I was anticipating that it would be a lot more amusing than it was. I don't have any strength in ancient classics, so I skimmed the first section almost in its entirety. I found I got bored in the relative short amount of texts associated with books I loved, like The Great Gatsby. The section on Wuthering Heights was the pinnacle of the book for me. I bought this book, but my suggestion is to check this out from the library.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5I received a copy of this book in return for a review.Well, at least it's a quick read. The copy I received is obviously not the finished version. The formatting needs some work, as it's hit or miss whether a text bubble fully encloses its text or indeed if there is a text bubble at all. I also noticed some typos and misnumbering of sections, along with the table of contents being unnumbered.I'd expected the book to be a humorous riff on classic literature and, to a certain extent, it was. But a lot of it wasn't that funny, and came out of nowhere. The Agatha Christie section? Which is less than a page and only about racism? The Hunger Games section? Which has nothing to do with them at all, only a play on words?I also don't feel that all of the sections relate well with their source material.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5This was an incredibly funny concept. I missed some of the jokes involving books or plays I haven't read yet, but the sections on books I HAVE read had me cracking up. Hamlet and Wuthering Heights especially. The only thing I can complain about is the "interrupting" in some of the texts. No one really stops a text in the middle of the sentence to allow the other texter to interrupt with their own message, so I found that a little weird.This book is the perfect gift for any English majors or book nerds in your life.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5"Texts from Jane Eyre" is a humorous (re)imagining of conversations between literary characters from the ages, converted into the perfunctory, conspicuously grammatically challenged form of the text message that pervades our modern lives. When this book is funny, it is hysterical. When it fell flat, it was primarily attributable to my missing the allusion fundamental to that particular exchange's joke. Unfortunately, for those allusions that I missed (or misunderstood), and then researched, the exchanges were simply not funny the second time around. Too much work, I suppose, for a punch line that's already revealed.In any event, for the well-read, the book is a gem, a thoroughly enjoyable and light read. For those (like me) with who only "get" around half of the jokes, it is still worth the experience, but perhaps one that leap frogs the more obscure references for the more accessible.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love the concept for this, quite a few of them were absolutely hilarious. I found myself skimming over the sections for books I haven't read myself, or wasn't familiar with the story line of (I know: shame, shame, shame). A few of them fell flat for me, but for the most part it cracked me up and managed to make me feel smart at the same time. As a die-hard Jane Eyre fan, one of my favorites: "WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS ST. JOHN" Indeed. A fun, quick read for literary types.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mallory Ortberg's "Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters" is a fun, quick read that any lit-geek will enjoy. It travels from Medea to Harry Potter and leaves nothing un-mocked. The texts are self-absorbed nonsense but, for the most part. true to character with a large side of sarcasm. I would recommend this to anyone who just wants to get away and laugh for a while.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5What would happen if literary characters from the distant and not-so distant past texted each other?The texts are not just from Jane Eyre but also include Gilgamesh, Pride and Prejudice, Great Expectations, The Great Gatsby, The Outsiders, The Baby-Sitters Club, plus many more--- a wide range of ‘literary’ works. The book is divided up into four parts, though they are not yet titled, my guess is that they are grouped by timeframe (but some do not seem to fit so I am not sure). Some are short and some are a LOT longer than others but they are all displayed in text bubbles. The concept sounded intriguing but I think it failed in execution. The only ones I found remotely funny were Plato and The Lorax—- maybe it is just my sense of humor but many I either did not understand or did not find at all humorous. I really wanted to like this book! Overall, not a book I would recommend.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Hysterical! I didn't follow all of the "conversations" because I wasn't familiar with some of the characters, but even then they were funny. I would say that she missed a couple of golden opportunities, it's a quick, fun read that will have you laughing.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This was a super fun little volume, read it in probably under an hour. It's impossible to miss Ortberg's particular brand of humor, and I was laughing aloud before I'd gotten 10 pages in. Fans of Ortberg as well as avid readers with a similarly quirky appreciation for mockery and absurdity will love this book and find themselves thinking of particular lines whenever they're reminded of the works satirized here.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I always enjoy Ortberg's humor, particularly when they combine it with obscure literary knowledge. I think each of these texts was quite funny alone, but the sameness of the schtick (historical/fictional figures are flaky pains-in-the-butt) wears after a while.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I clearly need to read more of the originals these conversations riff off of! The ones I do know are delightful - light and fluffy yet incisive commentary.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Hilarious retellings and reimaginings of literature classics, often as text message conversations. Thoroughly enjoyed.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Quick lawn chair read of clever collection of what famous literary characters might text to each other. Shows a thorough working knowledge of lots of literature -- not just classics, but also Babysitters Club, Sweet Valley High, Hunger Games, and the Lorax. Sometimes it's a riff on an author and his/her style like William Carlos Williams, Agatha Christie, Cormac McCarthy. Sometimes references are a little obscure and sometime they nail it, so in that way the choices and the spin-off are a little subjective. Fun concept and an entertaining exploration.
Book preview
Texts from Jane Eyre - Daniel M. Lavery
Part I
Medea
hiiiiiiii
hi who is this
it’s Glauce right??
that is such a pretty name
I am so crazy about how pretty your name is
Jason and Glauce
sounds so good together
thank you
who is this?
when is the WEDDING
I hope you guys have the Argonauts as groomsmen
and they do the sword thing
you know where they make the little roof with their swords
and you run down underneath it
it’s so cute
oh my god what am I saying
you probably already have a million plans, it’s your wedding
it was just my favorite part of my wedding
(except for the part where I married Jason!!!)
(he is so fun to be married to)
(tell him I say hi!!!)
sorry
who is this
So I know we got off on the wrong foot
it’s Medea!! save my number okay
oh
Hello
but I wanted you to know
I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings
all of my feelings about you are just
so soft
and so normal
just normal soft feelings that you’re going to love
okay
anyhow so to SHOW YOU how soft my feelings are
I got you guys a wedding present!!!
I know it’s not really traditional
for the old wife to buy the new
wife a gift
(especially when she is still technically married to Jason)
(who tell him I say hi!!!)
buuuut I couldn’t help myself
oh! you must mean the box that came on Thursday
yessss I TOTALLY MEAN THAT
it’s a dress
it’s a wedding dress
thank you
I mean, I already have a wedding dress picked out
but this is very sweet
do you know what you should do though
you should put it on
you should put it on your skin and wear it just for a minute
(be sure to put it on your skin)
Gilgamesh
come along Gilgamesh
be you my husband
to me grant your lusciousness
I will harness for you a chariot of lapis lazuli
with wheels of gold
be my husband and I will be your wife
oh wow
Ishtar
that’s so flattering
I’m so flattered
the Lullubu people will bring you produce of the mountains
as tribute
your she-goats will bear triplets
that’s such a tempting offer
your ewes twins
your donkey will overtake the mule
i would just
love to
but super quick question
how is your boyfriend Tammuz
these days
is he still
trapped in the Underworld?
I don’t know what you mean
how about all your other boyfriends
still horribly dead
or turned into wolves?
you know what
never mind
i’m just super curious
since you’ve murdered exactly all of them
if maybe you were planning
on doing that to me too
i hope you get eaten by dogs
there it is
Achilles
Achilles?
Kiddo? Achilles?
Hey bud you in there?
hey champ I know you’re in there
I can see you
We just want to talk
okay?
no im not
you’re not what
not in your tent?
no
buddy it’s okay to be a little upset
IM NOT UPSET
okay
IM FULL OF RIGHTEOUS FURY
okay
THE ANGER OF ACHILLES SON OF PELEUS BRINGS
COUNTLESS ILL UPON THE ACHAEANS
SO I DONT GET A LITTLE UPSET
OK
okay you got it
we were just wondering
when you might be thinking
of coming back to the war that we’re having
well A of all youre being condecending
what did I say?
it wasnt what you said it was HOW you said it
and B of all i quit war forever
so
that’s when i’m coming back
whenever i un-forever quit war, which is never, so never
what’s this about, buddy?
he took that girl i liked
who did
that guy
I can’t say his name
the guy with the long name and the sun helmet
Agamemnon?
yeah that guy
he took that girl I like
which girl?
I DONT REMEMBER
GOD
what is this
name remembering day
the one who was always holding the wine
or like the orb or whatever
she was always carrying something
okay
okay
would it help if we got her back?
no
it would not help
and youre being condescending again
and im going home
what will you do if you go home?
i dunno
stuff grows out of the ground if you put stuff in it
so maybe ill do that
farming?
yeah
go home and put stuff in the ground and no one will take the girls
i like
and i hope you all die in this stupid war
you don’t mean that
you don’t mean your face
what?
leave me alone
Dido
hey babe
when are you going to be home
tonight do you think
This number has been disconnected
or is otherwise out of service.
Plato
okay Glaucon so
i want you to picture a cave full of prisoners
who have been in the cave their whole lives
and they’re all shackled in a line facing the back wall
my god
what a nightmare
those poor people
ok no
I mean yes, it’s terrible, but no that’s not the point