The Basics of Male Homosexuality (A Guide for Pastors, Counselors or the Person with Same-Sex Attractions)

Foreword

Over the years I’ve done many workshops, conference teachings and speaking engagements on understanding the basics of male homosexuality. And each time I do, someone inevitably comes up to me and says, You should write a book. I always brushed it off until recently, when one of my counselors at the Sexual Wholeness Ministry started to hound me about writing a book while I was training him. My argument was that I didn’t have anything new to say on this subject. His response was, If you Google books on ‘love’ you get a million hits, and if you Google books on homosexuality you get twenty-five. So if all you’re doing is saying something in your own way about this topic, then it still needs to be done. After thinking about it for a while, I decided that he was right—I do have something to say, and I feel it’s important to share. I hope you agree.

Contents

Chapter 1 – Setting the Stage

Chapter 2 – Doing Some Basic Groundwork

Chapter 3 – Family History/Forgiveness

Chapter 4 – Stages of Homosexual Development

Chapter 5 – Born Gay?

Chapter 6 – Other Possible Contributing Factors

Chapter 7 – Spiritual Side of the Coin

Chapter 8 – Relationship Side of the Coin

Chapter 9 – Triggers

Chapter 10 – The Iceberg Theory

Chapter 11 – Four False Beliefs

Chapter 12 – Logic vs. Emotional Thinking

Chapter 13 – Spiritual Warfare

Chapter 14 – Dreams

Chapter 15 – Dating and Marriage

Chapter 16 – Service to Others

Chapter 17 – What Healing Looks Like

Chapter 18 – Frequently Asked Questions

Chapter 19 – Other Resources

Introduction

If you want to experience a change in your beliefs, behaviors, and relationship with Jesus and others—specifically in regard to defining yourself by a homosexual lifestyle or homosexual thoughts — this book is for you.

The advice offered here can be used for self-help, it can be used to help a family member or friend, and it can be used as a guideline for a counselor or pastor. Although I have written specifically to the person who struggles with homosexuality, the information can be used by anyone outside of a counseling setting, regardless of their education. The book is written from a male perspective for males, although most of the book is relevant for female homosexual strugglers as well (with the exception of chapters 4, 12, 15, and 17).

The chapters are written in the order in which the steps are taken by people who have come to me for help over the past eighteen years. Of course everyone is different, and there is no one way of healing for everyone. A diagram of how the chapters work together and build on one another may be useful:

Although no two people go through the healing process in exactly the same way, there are some logical steps that should be taken first to improve your chances for success. Therefore, progress made in dealing with issues discussed in the beginning chapters will greatly facilitate the work that needs to be done in later chapters.

This book contains different references to people struggling with same-sex issues (homosexual strugglers, strugglers, same-sex attracted, same-sex strugglers). Each has a similar meaning and can be used interchangeably. This is not true of the term gay. This term in our society has come to refer to a person who has embraced the homosexual lifestyle and has no desire to change that lifestyle. The author prefers not to use that term, as it is typically not used to refer to those who have identified themselves as desiring change.

Chapter One

Setting the Stage

Offer hope

One of the first messages you, as a same-sex struggler, should hear is that there is hope! This is probably a message you have not heard yet. It is not a message that is often preached in churches or seen in the media or in most books regarding the issue of homosexuality. It also is rare to find someone who has experienced a lot of healing in this area (although many people have). So this may be the first time you’ve heard that you can feel, think, and act differently, and can have a close relationship with other heterosexual people and with Jesus. It is important for you to hear that you are not alone and not the only one who has gone through this process.

The nature of counseling

Counseling is not necessary to overcome homosexuality, but it sure helps. A counselor can give guidance and wisdom that you may not be able to come up with on your own. A counselor also can provide objectivity that is hard to see by someone who is personally going through the situation. A counselor may be able to direct you toward books, groups, churches, or other resources that the average person may not be aware of. Additionally, counseling provides a sense of accountability that may be a new concept or at least something you may not be used to doing regularly.

My first experience with counseling was with the pastor of the church I attended while living in California. I was eighteen, and it was the first time I had ever said the words, I’m gay and I don’t want to be to anyone. He meant well and I’m sure he did his best, but unfortunately he was not educated on this topic. So after a quick prayer and a few words of superficial advice, he sent me on my way. Not how I had hoped it would go.

Eventually, God led me to more helpful pastors and counselors. In looking back I think it was a combination of these pastors and counselors plus conferences, books, and friends that were the most helpful to me. My healing process may have been different had I attended an Exodus (or some other specialized ministry), but I didn’t find out about Exodus International until after I had started my own healing ministry. I’ve observed that most people who successfully go through an Exodus type of ministry or counseling tend to have quicker progress than I had.

Exodus International is one of a few organizations that proclaim freedom from homosexuality through Jesus Christ. Since I am familiar with them, I will offer a few details. They don’t do counseling themselves, but are an umbrella organization. Exodus promotes and spreads the word about the possibility of change and then refers all calls to a ministry that is closest to the caller. To be on the Exodus referral list requires strict adherence to guidelines and regulations so that Exodus knows they are referring people to quality ministries around the globe. The contact information for Exodus International can be found in the back of this book.

It is possible for a person to have success by reading a book or simply doing what I did, which was fumble around trying to follow God. However, if you can find a Christian counselor or ministry with some knowledge of homosexuality to help you through some of the more difficult issues, you’ll be way ahead of the game.

If you have never been to counseling, you may be surprised to hear that, for some people beginning this process, things get worse before they get better. The reason is that counseling tries to uncover the roots of problems and issues so they can be resolved. When this discovery occurs, things can get messy. For some, confronting their pain and shortcomings can cause them to go into a tailspin before they learn better ways of dealing with those issues. So the result can be a period of counseling sessions where they feel like they’re going backward rather than forward. If this is you, don’t be discouraged — rather be encouraged that you are finally getting to the root of your issues.

Root issues are vital to discover when you are trying to address your homosexual struggles. Homosexuality is an emotional, psychological, spiritual, and relational problem. You may have issues of insecurity (about your masculinity, your body, interacting with others), low self esteem, feelings of inferiority, rejection issues, and other similar feelings. These root issues can affect how you think about yourself and ultimately lead to a downward progression affecting not only your self-esteem but other relationships and ultimately your sexuality. All of these areas need to be addressed at some point in your healing process, and counseling is a helpful (though not required) way to do this. This type of counseling takes time and patience, because all of these areas are deeply ingrained. Receiving Godly counseling and advice for these areas goes a long way in helping you begin to change your life. It can give you an idea of the areas where you are weak, suggestions and direction in how to go about the change process, and temporary accountability toward those goals.

Counseling shouldn’t last forever, and at some point you should begin to take the focus away from yourself and begin to use your gifts and talents for the Lord (more about this in Chapter 16). How long counseling lasts depends upon your willingness to do the necessary work, the experiences you have gone through, the experience of the counselor, and God’s timing. I’ve seen some people reap great benefits from a few months of counseling, and I’ve seen others who needed a couple of years. However, most people who continue to depend upon counseling for decades are doing themselves a disservice.

Here is an example of what I do when I see a person who is struggling with homosexuality. As a pastoral counselor, I become his temporary accountability partner. Every week I ask him what sexual behavior he has engaged in so we can discuss and pray about it. I try to get him into the habit of praying about any sexual sin before the counseling session so that in time he has already taken it to God before we get together. I also encourage him to find someone in his world to take over the accountability as soon as possible (more on this in Chapter 8).

When I meet with a struggler, I pray with and for that person, but I have found that having him pray out loud leads to more success. He takes more ownership of the prayer and what is said in the prayer if he participates in it. Of course, if the person is distraught or I am unsure of his comfort level in praying out loud, then I pray for him. I usually mention beforehand that I would like him to pray out loud, and I offer suggestions if he seems to need it. If he simply is not comfortable praying out loud, I encourage him to do so, because the more he practices, the more comfortable he will feel, and the more likely he will be to participate in prayer outside of the counseling sessions.

Don’t be discouraged if Christian counseling or an Exodus-type ministry is not available to you. I was in that situation, and God helped me have success. So if I can do it, you can too!

Whose idea is this anyway?

Whether you are beginning to go to counseling or doing this by yourself, one of the important issues to ask is, Why am I seeking help? Are you curious about change and just doing a little investigating? Are you being forced or coerced by parents, family, or friends to seek help for this issue? If you are not seeking help for yourself because you really want it, then time and money may be wasted. Of course there is the issue of a counselor planting seeds and offering the information that change really is possible. This is always a good idea and may be something that you hear now but act upon later. But if you are talking about spending a lot of time and money with a counselor or on your own going through your issues, you had better find out first how serious you are. Is this really something you want for yourself?

Why is this distinction so important? For most people, change in the realm of sexual issues comes so slowly that they won’t stick to it if it’s someone else’s idea. All it will take is one instance of difficulty with the person who’s pushing change on the struggler, and the struggler will say to himself, I’ll show them, or I’m not doing this anymore. This is why our ministry offers a one-time session for those who are skeptical, resistant, or just curious, but after that we have to be convinced that any further sessions are truly the struggler’s own idea and that he wants the help for himself more than anything. This is hard for some parents and spouses to understand, because they think they know what is best for their loved one (and maybe they really do). But until the person comes to realize it and want it, all the counseling in the world is not going to help.

The best case scenario is that you know that the Bible calls homosexuality sin, agree and understand this, want to follow God’s word in obedience, and are determined that this is what you will do — no matter how long it takes and what you have to do. You shouldn’t make this decision lightly. You should, with or without a counselor, read the relevant scriptures (I Corinthians 6:9–11, Romans 1:26–27, Romans 8: 29–30, Romans 1:22, 27) and determine your level of willingness and perseverance.

Willingness and perseverance

At one point I read the wonderful book Homosexual No More, by Dr. William Consiglio, and wondered why he spent so much time on the issue of willingness and perseverance. Years later I came to understand how important it is for a person to determine his willingness and perseverance before he begins the journey. The number one factor for success and speed of recovery is your level of motivation.

I was blessed with bulldog perseverance. When it is something I really want, I will find a way to make it work, even if it takes a long time or a creative way to get it. I think this was probably the greatest reason I didn’t give up after so many years of repeating the cycle of failing, trying again, failing, and trying again. I have always had the mindset that I will never give up or give in, no matter what.

Willingness is important because sometimes the healing journey can be uncomfortable and embarrassing. An example of this discomfort comes when I suggest to a struggler that he make new friends and open up to people about his struggles. What people usually want to do is to keep the problem to themselves because that is what they are used to doing — and that is easiest to do. There is no risk of getting hurt when you keep everything to yourself, but you must take that risk. Willingness also is important when you need to address past hurtful issues that you would rather forget. It may be a scary thing to do, but remember that a journey always begins with the first step. It will take a great deal of willingness, perseverance, and courage for you to begin your journey toward change, but all three are necessary for lasting success.

Perseverance is vital because this journey, for most people, tends to be two steps forward and one step back. You may have a week of great success and then find yourself on your face before God, confessing the same old sin. I’m always surprised when