Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself
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About this ebook
Although clinical research has been conducted on narcissism as a disorder, less is known about its effects on victims who are in toxic relationships with partners with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Individuals with this disorder engage in chronic devaluation and manipulation of their partners, a psychological and emotional phenomenon known as "narcissistic abuse." Since pathological narcissists are unlikely to seek treatment for their disorder, it is difficult to pinpoint what exactly makes a narcissistic abuser tick and the manipulative tactics they use, which are likely to differ from those of other types of abusers as they are more covert and underhanded. What is even more baffling is the addiction we form with our narcissistic abusers, created by biochemical bonds and trauma bonds that are also unlike any other relationship we experience.
In this book, survivors will learn:
•The red flags of narcissistic behavior and covert manipulation tactics, including subtle signs many survivors don't catch in the early stages of dating a narcissist.
•The motives behind narcissistic abuse and techniques to resist a narcissist's manipulation.
•Why abuse survivors usually stay with a narcissist long after incidents of abuse occur.
•How our own brain chemistry locks us into an addiction with a narcissistic or toxic partner, creating cravings for the constant chaos of the abuse cycle.
•Traditional and alternative methods to begin to detach and heal from the addiction to the narcissist, including eleven important steps all survivors must take on the road to healing.
•Methods to rewrite the narratives that abusers have written for us so we can begin to reconnect with our authentic selves and purpose.
•How to rebuild an even more victorious and empowering life after abuse.
Narcissistic partners employ numerous stealthy tactics to devalue and manipulate their victims behind closed doors. These partners lack empathy and demonstrate an incredible sense of entitlement and sense of superiority which drives their exploitative behavior in interpersonal relationships. Their tactics can include verbal abuse and emotional invalidation, stonewalling, projection, taking control of every aspect of the victim's life, gaslighting and triangulation. Due to the narcissistic partner's "false self," the charismatic mask he or she projects to society, the victim often feels isolated in this type of abuse and is unlikely to have his or her experiences validated by friends, family and society.
Using the latest scientific research as well as thousands of survivor accounts, this book will explore how the emotional manipulation tactics of narcissistic and antisocial partners affect those around them, particularly with regards to its cumulative socioemotional and psychological effects on the victim. It will also address questions such as: What successful techniques, tools and healing modalities (both traditional and alternative) are available to survivors who have been ridiculed, manipulated, verbally abused and subject to psychological warfare? How can they forge the path to healthier relationships, especially if they've been a victim of narcissistic abuse by multiple people or raised by a narcissist? Most importantly, how can they use their experiences of narcissistic abuse to empower themselves towards personal development? What can their interactions with a narcissistic abuser teach them about themselves,their relationship patterns and the wounds that still need to be healed in order to move forward into the happy relationships and victorious lives they do deserve?
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Reviews for Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare
29 ratings2 reviews
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5GREAT READ I CAN RELATE. I LOVED THIS VERY MUCH.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5It was okay at first. If you have no idea how the narcissist works this book will explain what they are all about and define terms like gaslighting etc. I made it half way through when she started talking about ridiculous non sense like reiki and "cord cutting." Narcissistic abuse is a serious matter. I'd prefer to see real solutions offered rather than new age non sense. It might be wise to stick with books written by actual mental health professionals.
5 people found this helpful
Book preview
Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare - Shahida Arabi
Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself
By Shahida Arabi
SCW Archer Publishing
New York, NY
Copyright © 2016 by Shahida Arabi.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed Attention: Permissions Coordinator,
at the address below.
SCW Archer Publishing
Permissions Requests: scwarcherpublishing@gmail.com
Covert Design by Penoaks Publishing, www.penoaks.com.
––––––––
Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare/Shahida Arabi
ASIN - B01B01O3PA – 1st Digital ed.
Dedicated to all the survivors and warriors out there – healing, thriving and transcending more and more every day.
Your voices, your stories, your contributions are all so important and valuable. Thank you for all you do and all that you are – beautiful, strong, brilliant and finally— free.
Special thanks to all of the advocates out there who continue to spread awareness about this form of insidious abuse. Your genuine, loving spirits remain a gentle reminder of a survivor’s power to continue working for the greater good.
Table of Contents
Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself
Foreword by Shannon Thomas, LCSW
Preface
Introduction
Chapter 1: Recognizing the Narcissist
Narcissism and Psychopathy
Research on Narcissism and Manipulation Tactics
What is the Impact of Narcissistic Abuse?
What Causes Narcissism? Results are Mixed, But Point to Parental Overvaluation
Who is the Narcissist?
The Narcissist’s False Self and True Self
Who Does the Narcissist Target?
The Abuse Cycle: Idealize, Devalue, Discard, Destroy, Hoover
Devaluation and Discard
Hoovering
Victim-Blaming and Stereotypes About Narcissistic Abuse
Are Narcissists Victims?
Should We Feel Compassion for the Narcissist?
Simultaneous Wounding and Complex PTSD: How Our Past Wounds Can Make Us Susceptible to Toxic Narcissists
The Narcissist’s False Mask Gaslights the Public, Enabling the Abuse to Continue
The Narcissist’s Next Victim
Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head
1. The Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Phase
2. Gaslighting
3. Smear campaigns
4. Triangulation or Jealousy Induction
5. The false self and the true self
Learning the Language of Narcissists: How Abusers Use Anything and Everything Against Their Victims
Dating Emotional Predators
1) A need for control
2) Addicted to provoking you
3) Inconsistent character and behavior
Signs of a Toxic Person’s Pathological or Malicious Envy
Clichés That Fail Within Narcissistically Abusive Relationships
The Essential Dictionary to Understanding Narcissistic Abuse
The Narcissist Translator
Selfish With a Side of Disordered by Kristin Sunanta Walker
The Sociopath’s Scam – It Isn’t Personal, by Jennifer Smith
Survivor Insights: How Narcissistic Abuse Affects Survivors
Chapter 2: Your Brain on Love, Sex and the Narcissist – Why Your Bond to Your Abuser is Difficult to Break
Your Brain On Trauma
Your Brain in the Abusive Relationship: The Biochemical Bonds That Get Us Hooked
On Narcissists
Complex PTSD and Narcissistic Abuse
Emotional and Psychological Reasons Victims Stay
Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Complex PTSD by Lilly Hope Lucario
Chapter 3: How to Detach From The Narcissist and Begin The Healing Journey From Narcissistic Abuse
11 Healing Steps
How to Combat Biochemical and Trauma Bonds
Self-Care Warrior Pro-tip
Healing Trauma in the Brain: Traditional Healing Methods Explained
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Therapy for Complex PTSD
Prolonged Exposure Therapy
Cognitive Processing Therapy
Meditation
DBT
Group Therapy
Support Groups
Alternative Healing Methods Explained
EMDR
Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Yoga
Mirror Work
Art Therapy
Reverse Discourse and Narrative Therapy/ NLP Reframing
Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) and Self-Hypnosis
Inner Child Work
Acupuncture
Chakra Balancing
Cord Cutting
Aromatherapy and Incense
Spirituality/Faith/Prayer
The Power of Nature
Music Therapy as Catharsis
Self-Care Haven’s Music Library for Survivors
I created a playlist with some of the songs that have helped me on my recovery journey. There’s a diversity of genres, moods, and emotions to connect with in these songs. Check out my YouTube playlist for survivors here.
Self-Care Warrior Pro Tip: Hybrid Techniques
Survivor Insights: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
Distinguishing Between a Validating vs. Invalidating Therapist
Interview with Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW
5 Powerful Self-Care Tips for Abuse and Trauma Survivors
Healing The Childhood Programming That Makes You a Magnet For Narcissists by Lisa A. Romano
Re-Parenting the Abused Child by Ingrid Roekke
Sticks and Stones and Hurtful Words by Alison Soroka
Chapter 4: The Game You Can Win - Detaching from the Narcissist by Becoming the Superhero or Superheroine of Your Life
Build Your Immunity
Eradicating People-Pleasing Habits
Recovery from Rejection
Let’s Recap: 7 Inalienable Truths About Narcissistic Abuse
SUPERTECHNIQUES AND POWER-UPS
Chapter 5: The Journey of No Contact
What No Contact is and what it isn't
Why We Establish No Contact in the Context of Abusive Relationships
How to Execute No Contact Effectively
Sticking to No Contact
No Contact’s Healing Power
111 Alternatives to Breaking No Contact
Releasing Self-Judgment
Co-Parenting with a Narcissist by Kim Saeed
Mantras/Manifesto/Positive Affirmations for No Contact: Why Silence Can Be the Most Powerful Voice
Survivor Insights: No Contact
Chapter 6: Pathological Narcissism in the Family, Friendships, Workplace, Society and Culture
Female Narcissists in Friendships
Narcissistic Family Members and Parents
Narcissistic Co-Workers and Bosses
How to Deal with Narcissists You Can’t Avoid: Six Ways to Skillfully Respond
Cyberbullies
Chapter 7: Healing from Emotional Trauma by Finding Your True Purpose and Rebuilding Your Life
Survivor Insights: Tools to Transcend the Narcissistic Abuse Experience
Chapter 8: Ten Life-Changing Truths for Abuse Survivors
Survivor Insights: Chasing Dreams and Rebuilding Your Life After Abuse
Chapter 9: Owning Our Power and Agency
The Distinction Between Victim-Blaming and Owning Our Agency
The 3 Steps to Owning Our Agency and Power After Narcissistic Abuse
Chapter 10: Writing Your Way to Recovery and Closure
Survivor Insights: What Would You Tell Other Survivors?
A Closing Love Letter to Survivors
About the Author
FAQ: Narcissism
Additional Resources on Narcissistic Abuse
References
Foreword by Shannon Thomas, LCSW
Shahida Arabi has accomplished something few authors have done. She wrote a book packed with so much wisdom and therapeutically proven tools for daily application, that it leaves the reader healthier when they finished reading than when they started. That is an incredible accomplishment for any writer. Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself serves as a one-stop shop for survivors who need to know that they are receiving therapeutically sound guidance. Shahida takes a creative play of the words normally used to describe the tactics of abusers and uses them as tools to empower survivors to heal. As a licensed therapist who specializes in recovery from narcissistic abuse, I highly recommend that survivors read this book on their journey to healing.
Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare is a special book in that Ms. Arabi intertwines survivors’ stories, her own research and experiences, other current research, the exploration of childhood programming and guided examples of how to emerge from the chaos with wholeness in body, mind and spirit. There are many viewpoints available within the narcissistic abuse recovery community and not all of them are healthy for survivors. Within the pages of this book, you will find not only Ms. Arabi’s perspective on narcissistic abuse and recovery, but also the insights of experts she has invited to walk alongside you in the healing process. This unique collection of writers within Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare allows for an engaging reading experience. You are given the chance to learn from several advocates within the psychological abuse recovery community and experience their individual personalities as well as their wisdom.
Within my own private counseling practice, I have had the privilege of working with survivors of narcissistic abuse. As a therapist working with these clients, I look for pervasive, destructive patterns that are present within emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships. There are specific red flags and subtle signs that we must unravel in order for the survivor to recognize the destruction occurring beneath the surface. From that point, we begin the process of the survivor understanding how the abuser has targeted and continued to manipulate them. This often involves looking at messages from the survivor’s childhood and inner beliefs about their worthiness. We then move forward into the positive transformation that can take place within post-abuse healing. Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare thoroughly covers the therapeutic work that is done by licensed professionals who get it
when it comes to narcissistic abuse recovery.
There are many distinctive aspects to Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare from other books in the genre. The first one is that Ms. Arabi spends time discussing the subconscious messages from childhood that must be addressed in order for any survivor to truly heal at a deep level. Targets of narcissistic abuse should not blame themselves for the abuse they have endured and this book makes it clear that it is possible to move away from victim-blaming while still protecting oneself. Not all childhoods prepare adults to love themselves enough to ensure their own safety, but this book offers creative methods to rewrite existing narratives. Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare guides the reader through understanding the inner beliefs that need to be rewritten so survivors can become the healthiest version of themselves.
The second distinctive aspect is in the book’s ability to offer a variety of methods not only to identify abusive tactics but also to heal from them. As a licensed therapist, I am thrilled to see Ms. Arabi give real life, practical suggestions of how to recover. She discusses a plethora of resources to aid survivors in their journey. This book is packed full of concrete, go-out-and-implement-them-today ideas, providing the reader with the exact tools needed to change their thoughts, which will change their actions and then lead to changed lives. That is precisely the work that counselors are doing when utilizing the specified theoretical model, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Ms. Arabi educates the reader on various counseling and life coaching perspectives and this education empowers the reader to decide for themselves which might work best for their individual belief systems. She also offers a number of supplementary healing strategies that can help survivors tackle trauma on the level of the mind, body and spirit.
As a counselor, it is always a joy to read a book that I feel can serve as a comprehensive manual for recovery from narcissistic abuse. Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare absolutely meets that need. I want to thank Ms. Shahida Arabi for her time and dedication to researching this topic, bringing together advocates and writing this book, all with the desire to see survivors set free and empowered to live the beautiful lives that they deserve.
Keep Dreaming Big!
Shannon Thomas, LCSW-S
www.southlakecounseling.org
Preface
A few years ago on a survivor’s forum, I asked survivors what made them a narcissist’s worst nightmare – the strengths, the talents, the assets, the attitudes and the actions that made them absolutely deplorable supply
for abusive and toxic people.
Survivors came up with epic lists of traits that annoyed and frustrated their narcissistic partners – this included having an incredible sense of humor and quick wit that could put a narcissist’s covert put-down to shame, the psychological resilience they had developed over the course of the relationship, their ability to empathize with others, their ability to intelligently and astutely question the narcissist’s false mask, their ability to emotionally connect with others, their thirst for knowledge, their confidence, their sensitivity, their compassion – endless lists of amazing qualities that narcissists feared and abhorred.
What occurred to me was that our strengths – the ones that narcissists often convince us are weaknesses – are the very things that can save us from narcissists, which is why narcissists work so very hard to diminish these strengths in the first place. I also realized something even more incredible: that the techniques narcissists use against us can also be merged with those strengths to help us transcend and thrive after narcissistic abuse.
The very same techniques that narcissists use on us are the ones we must use to get over them. Confused? Let me explain. I am not suggesting becoming a narcissist ourselves or being cruel - not at all. These techniques will not be employed in the same way as a narcissist uses them – they will be adapted to detach from the narcissist altogether. Read the following and see if you agree with me here:
You once idealized the narcissist, put him or her on a pedestal after he or she did the same to you. You saw them as the love of your life - at least, you saw their false self as the love of your life.
Now, you must devalue and discard the narcissist - both in your mind and in your physical reality, if you're still maintaining contact with him or her somehow. In this book, these terms will not only be explained in the context of abuse, but be adapted to the survivor’s own journey of detaching and healing from a narcissist.
Devaluing the narcissist means reconnecting with the reality of who the narcissist is, not who you wish him/her to be (the false self they once presented to you). In essence, devaluing in this context means dismantling your perception of their false self and replacing it with the reality of their true, abusive self. Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 will give you the information, knowledge and tools to identify the covert manipulation tactics of narcissistic abusers as well as their motives and intentions.
Discarding the narcissist means going No Contact with the narcissist or Low Contact if you share children, have legal matters to sort out with the narcissist or have any other circumstances that prevent you from cutting all ties with this person. This involves giving yourself closure by not giving the narcissist any. In Chapter 5, you’ll learn more about the journey to No Contact.
Re-idealizing and supplying yourself refers to using the tips and tools I’ll mention Chapter 3 to release the toxic brainwashing from your narcissistic partner and begin to heal some of the biochemical and trauma bonds that have tethered you to your narcissistic abuser. This also involves creating a healthier, positive reverse discourse that substitutes self-defeating beliefs with empowering ones about yourself.
Triangulation in this case means welcoming new people into your life that will serve as a support network to you during this time. All this time, the narcissist has triangulated you with others to validate their own sense of superiority. Now you must triangulate
your narcissist with a new support system to validate your experiences. This is not meant to make the narcissist jealous – it is meant to give you the resources and empowerment you need to heal.
Due to your empathy and ability to emotionally connect, this triangulation has the benefit of adding to your psychological resilience. Having at least one person who has your back and can snap you back to reality, who knows what you've been through, is invaluable. Having a whole community of other survivors who have your back? Well, now you’re bound to be invincible. In Chapter 5, we’ll learn more about how to connect with these support networks while also getting rid of any defunct or toxic social networks (including the narcissist’s own harem) that no longer serve your emotional well-being in Chapter 5.
Reverse Gaslighting means that you can use the information you’ll learn in the first two chapters about a narcissist’s manipulative tactics to resist their distortion of your reality if they try to pull a fast one on you. Applying this knowledge also helps you distance yourself. This means going No Contact or Low Contact in response to their silent treatments, their stonewalling behavior, their petty put-downs and manipulation in order to prevent yourself from being pulled right back into their mind games.
Reverse Gaslight
the narcissist by saying mentally to their accusations, projections and gaslighting tactics: I don't believe you. That's not what happened. I know my truth and I own my truth. Reverse Gaslighting the narcissist is not actually gaslighting - it involves staying grounded in your reality and your own powerful truth while invalidating the lies of a narcissist. This will help to relieve some of the cognitive dissonance you may have been experiencing as a result of being in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser who often distorts and manipulates your perception of reality.
Create a false self for the time being that serves as armor if and when you have to interact with the narcissist or even just start ruminating over them. This self is the strong, logical self that you must wear as you begin to detach and heal from a narcissist. The one you may not feel like during No Contact or Low Contact, but the one you must be, in order to resist their attempts to re-traumatize you and bring you back into the relationship by pressing the reset button. Use this self to interact with the narcissist if you have to interact with them. You’ll learn how to do this effectively through the methods we’ll discuss in Chapters 3, 4, 5 and 6.
Using this false self enables you to be self-protective, centered and unreactive. Mirror them when you have to, much like they mirrored you during the idealization phase, by withdrawing from them when they withdraw, rather than pleading and begging for them. Strive not to mirror them when they attempt to pull you back into the trauma of the relationship. Do not share secrets and do not make them privy to your innermost feelings; in fact, I encourage you not to disclose anything about your personal life once you’ve realized your partner may be a narcissist. You are permitted to stop giving any information in the case where the narcissist may try to emotionally blackmail or manipulate you. They played mind games all along - now it's their turn to not have the facts at hand.
Finally, think of the narcissist as supply. You do not need them because you have other sources of attention - healthier sources. Think of them as rotten supply. They cannot work
for you anymore, because they are not functional adults in relationships. They are children in adult bodies, doing real harm to others.
So you see, it's not about becoming the narcissist, stooping down to their level or even counter-manipulating them. It's about conquering your own thoughts, beliefs and actions regarding the narcissist, and adapting the very same techniques that he or she used to entrap you in the first place. Except in this case, you use them to set yourself free. See, the truth is that narcissists underestimate a survivor's willpower after being discarded. When victims have nothing left to lose, they are capable of every success imaginable.
Ultimately, it is not your ability to beat the narcissist at his or her own game that frightens them. Playing games with someone with no remorse or empathy is sure to fail. Rather, it is your ability to seek your own validation and move forward into your success, channeling the experiences that were meant to destroy you into your greatest victories, that is appalling to these predators. How dare their former victims become independent of their bullying and become even greater in spite of it? Oh, but they can, and they will.
Introduction
When I first wrote Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare in 2016, the terms narcissist
and psychopath
in the context of romantic relationships were still underexplored in the literature. Empirical findings from research studies have since further supported many of the observations that were noted in earlier versions of this book. In September 2022, I have updated the book to incorporate some of this exciting new research that has taken place over these past six years since the writing of this book.
In 2021, I also conducted my own IRB-approved research study at Harvard University on 1,294 participants who had been involved in romantic relationships with partners with narcissistic and psychopathic traits. While the findings of this specific study will be included in a different publication, I have made sure to include some insights from this study and its literature review throughout this updated version of the book to offer readers the most updated information and in-depth information possible on this topic.
You will also find thousands of survivor accounts from 2016 which I also collected at the time of writing this book, which also contributed to the understanding of these types of relationships at a time when there had not yet been any surveys or thorough study of this population, and at a time where research on these types of relationships was scarce and much needed. In 2016, I was a writer and academic on a mission to spread awareness about narcissistic abuse – long before it ever became mainstream or popular to talk about it. Since then, I have been blessed to have two articles on this topic go viral and reach over 25 million people worldwide and a second bestselling book in all major bookstores, contributing to greater awareness. I am so grateful for all the survivors who have contributed over the years to this work, who have helped other survivors, researchers and advocates come to a better understanding of how relationships with individuals possessing these traits can affect our lives. You are the reason I do the work I do.
The Survivor’s Journey
I grew up with a narcissistic, abusive father, and then spent 12 years of my adult life repeating that dysfunctional pattern when I married a narcissistic abuser. In the context of my 12-year relationship, I never felt safe emotionally, physically, financially or psychologically. I was never
good enough to please him, even though I gave him the best years of my life and spent my life savings investing in his
dream. I didn't feel safe to ever have children with him... I finally left him and two years later, our divorce has gone nowhere. I am not with him now, but we are still married and he's destroyed the businesses we built and wrecked my finances and credit. I am still struggling to find the courage and strength to end this nightmare. Two years of depression and darkness, living in fear of him and still attempting to support his dreams even though he never loved me or gave me anything in return.
–Hallie, Survivor from Kentucky
For those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse since childhood, many of us are familiar with the trauma bonds that can keep us locked in the vicious cycle of meeting and mating with narcissists. Growing up with a narcissistic family member and witnessing narcissistic abuse was the precursor to the destructive, toxic relationships I had with narcissists - from friends to relationship partners to acquaintances to co-workers. Years later, I can say that the experiences of narcissistic abuse were more of a gift than a curse, because I learned to channel it into some of the greatest victories of my life.
It is important to note that knowledge alone, while powerful, cannot heal narcissistic abuse. To heal from narcissistic abuse, I had to employ different healing modalities that targeted the mind, the body and the spirit. Self-exploration and self-improvement were not new to me, but narcissistic abuse led me to a cathartic path of healing that I never would have undertaken otherwise. I spent years experimenting with different forms of mindfulness, healing, and self-care. These helped me to reconnect with a sense of wholeness I felt I had lost in the midst of trauma.
Throughout these encounters with emotional predators, I've revolutionized my understanding of appropriate boundaries, reconnected with my authentic values, and empowered myself to recover from psychological abuse, as I channeled my experiences into productive outlets. My journey has not been perfect – it has been filled with adversity and the challenge of confronting and addressing unhealed wounds.
Yet I've also written books, spearheaded research on this topic, pursued my passions, cut toxic people out of my life, graduated from top universities, reached a larger community of survivors and have helped others on their own healing journeys. I know firsthand that a better life is possible and that you can always use what you’ve learned to fuel your success.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to heal and to help others heal. I am grateful for every miracle that has allowed me to reach so many survivors. We are all reaching for a greater life and this path can be paved when we begin to channel our pain into our healing, our crisis to our transformation, our crucifixion to our resurrection. I share my story and the stories of other survivors in this book because I want all survivors of abuse and trauma, regardless of what their background is with narcissistic abuse, to know that you should never give up.
About This Book
In Chapter 1, you’ll learn everything you need to know about narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic traits, as well as psychopathy. You will learn about the latest research on these traits and the manipulation tactics they are associated with. You will also learn more about the abuse cycle, the distinctions between narcissistic abuse and mistreatment by a selfish jerk, the origins of narcissism, translations
of narcissistic behavior, common terms used in the realm of narcissistic abuse and clichés about normal relationships that do not work in the realm of abusive relationships. Finally, you’ll learn about victim-blaming myths and stereotypes that usually hold victims back from validating and understanding their own experiences.
Chapter 2 explores the biochemical, psychological and trauma bonds that keep abuse victims tethered to their abusers, long after they’ve discovered what they’re dealing with, as well as the effects of trauma on the brain. This is incredibly important to learn about, because many victims blame themselves for staying in the relationship too long without understanding how the effects of trauma keep us hooked to these toxic partners.
Chapters 3 and 4 are arguably two of the most important chapters in this book, as they delve in-depth on how to combat each one these bonds, as well as the different types of therapies and healing modalities you can use to heal from this type of abuse. They also explore how you can tap into your warrior superpowers
and strengths in order to detach from abusive people and rebuild an even more amazing life after narcissistic abuse.
Chapter 5 is helpful for those struggling with the journey of No Contact, as it contains resources, tips and methods to begin No Contact and maintain it. In addition, it offers a list of 111 alternatives to breaking No Contact to prevent relapse.
Chapter 6 explores pathological narcissism in our society and culture, giving more insights on how to cope with narcissistic family members, friends, co-workers, and even online narcissists such as cyberbullies.
Chapters 7-10 offer closing insights on what it means to be a survivor, how to heal from emotional abuse by owning our power and agency, as well as how to channel our traumatic experiences into victory by rewriting our stories and creating new narratives.
Survivor Insights. At the end of each chapter of this book, you’ll not only find bonus articles by experienced therapists, writers, advocates, professionals and researchers on the topic of narcissistic abuse and the effects of trauma, you’ll also find a section called Survivor Insights,
collected from hundreds of survey responses I’ve received from survivors all around the world in 2016. These stories shed light on the complexities and intricacies of emotional and psychological abuse in a way that the clinical perspective often doesn’t do justice to. This is meant to help readers bridge the gap between the existing research on this topic and real-life experiences.
The accompanying articles in this book include works by bestselling authors, licensed therapists and popular bloggers and advocates on the topic. I am honored to include articles by therapist and author Andrea Schneider, LCSW, author and life coach Lisa A. Romano, award-winning blogger and founder of Healing Complex Trauma and PTSD Lilly Hope Lucario, Mental Health News Radio host Kristin Walker, founder of True Love Scam Jennifer Smith, therapist Ingrid Roekke, author and coach Kim Saeed and founder of Ending Abuse Media, Alison Soroka.
There will be a Frequently Asked Questions at the end of the book that you will not want to miss, as well as an additional resources list that will link to some of the most informative websites, articles and videos on narcissistic abuse.
Throughout the book, you’ll also find there are links to Self-Care Haven
meditations and reflections related to the themes of certain chapters that I normally only offer to my coaching clients, which are now available to e-book readers, as well.
As you read through this book, I hope you’ll feel not only validated and able to begin the healing journey, but also empowered to help others going through similar situations with the knowledge you walk away with. This experience, while alienating at first, can be channeled into a greater purpose and can be used to reconnect you with the larger world in ways you might never have thought possible. I know there are moments when it seems hopeless and the pain seems unbearable, especially if you have a pattern of attaching to narcissistic people.
However, there is a whole other world that will open up for you in recovery and healing. Be kind to yourself, even when you feel nobody is kind to you. At the end of the day, you have to save yourself – over and over again, no matter what. You and your story are needed. You are worthy. You are strong. You are extraordinary. You are a fighter. You are a warrior.
I encourage all survivors to take their own self-care journey after narcissistic abuse; you can empower yourself more fully by taking advantage of all the lessons it has to offer. This experience can serve as a portal to healing and a challenge to rise above the ashes and resurrect to your best self.
No matter how much we learn and improve, we can always learn something new along the way. The journey to healing is never really over
– it’s just beginning, and I want to share with you the empowering tools that have helped me towards my destination.
You will find that when you see the blessing in the darkness, many other blessings will also come to light – new support, new dreams to be fulfilled, new ways to connect to your divine inner guidance and God-given worth. In you is something infinitely greater than whatever you are experiencing. This light will always be within you, even during and after the most traumatic moments of your life.
Narcissists assume they can break us down and destroy us, but the truth is, they can never destroy us. Despite the damage they inflict, we are stronger than them, heart, mind, and soul. As broken as you may feel right now, there is something within each and every one of you reading this book that is stronger than their abuse. It is that part of you that knows you want to survive and thrive. It is that part of you that you must connect to before you give up hope for a better life. It is that part of you that will allow you to transcend their destruction and recreate yourself, more victorious than ever.
Remember that when a malignant narcissist attempts to insult you, it’s in reality a compliment even though it wasn’t intended that way from their end. Because what they’re really saying is, You threaten me. Your light shines too brightly, that’s why I have to dim it. You have too much support in your corner, that’s why I have to try to alienate and isolate you so you will depend on my validation. You are too visible in your gifts and assets, that’s why I have to shame you into hiding yourself, because I am envious of your success and potential. Your inner and outer beauty are too apparent, that’s why I have to make you doubt yourself so you won’t realize you’re worthy of someone better. Your intelligence, intuition, and discernment are razor sharp, that’s why I have to gaslight you into disbelieving it so you won’t catch on to how I manipulate you. Your voice is too powerful, that’s why I have to silence it.
Your desire for knowledge and healing is just the beginning, and it is a calling for something greater. You don't belong in the shadows where you’ve been forced to hide. You deserve to be in the light with full force. Your destiny is tied to recognizing your worth and how utterly valuable you are to this world. You have so much to give and you no longer have to sacrifice yourself for the needs of another person ever again. You deserve to be seen and heard. No matter who you are and where you are at this point of your life, you can always use the worst experiences of your life as the key to your best victories. Life after narcissistic abuse is filled with miracles – you just have to be ready to reach out and let them in.
Chapter 1: Recognizing the Narcissist
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We are targeted by narcissists because we have everything that is beautiful and human. We can feel true joy and sadness. They want to live through us, and end up killing us. But we will rise, and we will be stronger and wiser. We need to love ourselves. We are not victims, we are survivors! This is the life lesson.
– Dzana, Survivor from Stockholm.
In popular culture, the term narcissistic
is thrown about quite loosely, usually referring to vanity and self-absorption. This reduces narcissism to a common quality that everyone possesses and downplays the symptoms demonstrated by people with the actual disorder. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different.
People who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder or those who have traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder can operate in extremely manipulative ways within the context of intimate relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy, and their tendency to be interpersonally exploitative. Although I will be focusing on narcissistic abusers in this book, due to the overlap of symptoms in these two disorders, this can potentially apply to interactions with those who have ASPD and psychopathic traits to an extent.
It’s important in any kind of relationship that we learn to identify the red flags when interacting with people who display malignant narcissism and/or antisocial traits, so we can better protect ourselves from exploitation and abuse, set appropriate boundaries with others, and make informed decisions about who we keep in our lives. Understanding the nature of these toxic interactions and how they affect us has an enormous impact on our ability to engage in self-care.
Narcissism and Psychopathy
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.; DSM–5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013) defines a narcissistic person as someone who has a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), an excessive need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. This is indicated by five (or more) of the following:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believes that he or she is special
and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Requires excessive admiration.
Has an excessive sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).
Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
While NPD is considered to be a full-fledged personality disorder with long-standing dysfunctional and harmful forms of behavior, the traits of narcissism or subclinical narcissism can exist on a spectrum. More recently, researchers studying narcissism have identified two distinct subtypes: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism, with some researchers theorizing that an individual can possess both (Krizan & Herlache, 2018; Ponti, et al. 2019). Individuals who have a higher level of grandiose narcissism possess an inflated sense of self-importance, suffer less internal distress, have higher self-esteem, social fearlessness, and confidence. Those with vulnerable narcissistic traits tend to be hypersensitive, fearful and more avoidance-oriented, although both subtypes exhibit interpersonal difficulties and can engage in aggression in relationships (Rohmann et al., 2011; Jauk, et al., 2022; Papageorgiou et al., 2019).
In a recent meta-analysis of 437 studies, Kjærvik and Bushman (2021) revealed that narcissism was related to both aggression and violence. This was true for both vulnerable and grandiose narcissism, as well as pathological and non-pathological narcissism. This aggression took many forms, including indirect, direct, displaced, verbal and bullying aggression as well as both reactive and proactive aggression. While this association was stronger under conditions of provocation, it still remained significant even in the absence of provocation across multiple studies. This is important to consider, because unprovoked aggression can harm those in intimate relationships with individuals who have narcissistic traits as well as psychopathic traits. Research by Day and colleagues (2019) has also revealed that partners and family members of pathological narcissists had higher levels of reported burden than those involved with individuals who had other forms of psychopathology. The partners and family members of narcissists also reported greater levels of depression, anxiety and maladaptive coping methods. In another study, narcissistic personality disorder has also been strongly associated with causing pain and distress to others, moreso than other disorders (Miller et al., 2007).
In addition, neuroscience research has shown that patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have grey matter volume differences in their brain in areas related to emotional empathy, such as the anterior insula, dorsolateral and medial prefrontal cortex (Schulze et al., 2013). This does not mean that narcissistic individuals cannot control their behavior, however, as other studies reveal that they still retain the cognitive capacity for empathy – the ability to discern what someone may be feeling and why (e.g. Ritter et al., 2011). However, narcissists often misuse this ability by using it to achieve their own personal agendas, without much care to the harm they cause others in the process.
Much like narcissism, psychopathy is associated with a lack of empathy and aggression in intimate relationships. You may find that your partner has both narcissistic and psychopathic traits. Malignant narcissism is a colloquial term for describing a narcissist who has not only narcissistic traits but also antisocial and psychopathic ones, which is why it is important to discuss both narcissism and psychopathy, as you may be dealing with someone who possesses both traits and is on the higher end of the narcissistic spectrum (Faucher et al., 2021).
Although it does not have its own diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5, psychopathy is a disorder referenced in the diagnostic criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder associated with numerous deficits in empathy, conscience, moral decision-making, and impulsivity. An individual with Antisocial Personality Disorder has a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others; this can include traits such as failure to conform to social norms, deceitfulness, impulsivity, irritability, aggressiveness, and lack of remorse, with these behaviors occurring since age 15 (APA, 2013). According to the DSM-5, this pattern has also been referred to as psychopathy
or sociopathy.
Psychopathy emphasizes the presence of callous-unemotional traits in addition to behaviors such as criminality and violation of laws. In Hare and Neumann’s (2005) four-factor model of psychopathy, psychopathy is further broken down into four primary dimensions – interpersonal (glib/superficial charm, grandiose sense of self-worth, pathological lying), affective (lack of remorse or guilt, shallow affect, callous/lack of empathy, failure to take responsibility for actions), lifestyle (need for stimulation/proneness to boredom, impulsivity, irresponsibility, promiscuous sexual behavior, parasitic lifestyle, lack of realistic goals), and antisocial (impaired behavioral controls, early behavior problems, juvenile delinquency, revocation of conditional release, criminal versatility). Two of these factors, the interpersonal and affective, are especially important to consider when it comes to the interpersonal exploitation and aggression of the psychopath in intimate relationships, and it is these two factors that also distinguish the psychopath from those with the behaviors of Antisocial Personality Disorder.
Much like narcissism includes both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism, psychopathy also has two subtypes: primary psychopathy and secondary psychopathy. Primary
psychopaths are theorized to have been born that way
while secondary psychopaths (what some researchers refer to as sociopathy
) are made by their environment. Research has shown that individuals with the primary
subtype of psychopathy are more likely to exhibit more callous-unemotional traits and emotional detachment, whereas secondary psychopaths are more impulsive and anxious (Skeem et al., 2007). Primary psychopaths are also less likely to have experienced childhood trauma, depression psychological distress and posttraumatic symptoms than secondary psychopaths (Kimonis et al., 2011).
There are differences in the brains of psychopaths which includes differences in the amygdala, ventromedial prefrontal cortex, striatum, and other areas of the moral neural network
which relate to their emotional responsiveness, sadism, reward sensitivity, empathy, moral judgment and decision-making (Decety et al., 2013; Harenski et al., 2010; Blair, 2010; Glenn & Raine, 2009; Glenn et al., 2010; Kiehl, et al. 2001; Yang et al., 2006). Typically, psychopathic individuals tend to be fearless, sadistic, and remorseless. Research such as fMRI studies and brain scans have found reduced gray matter volume in the amygdala and reduced activity in this region in individuals with high psychopathic traits during tasks related to emotion processing, responses to aversive stimuli, and moral decision-making, suggesting a deficit (Kiehl et al., 2001; Yang, et al., 2006; Glenn & Raine, 2009). These deficits can manifest in interpersonal callousness and can cause emotional and physical harm to those in intimate relationships with individuals who have psychopathic traits.
However, these brain differences do not remove psychopathic individuals from accountability. Much like narcissistic individuals, psychopathic individuals have the intellectual ability to differentiate between right and wrong (which is why they attempt to hide their misdeeds through deception in the first place). They simply lack as much of the affective ability to care, and some may even be sadistically pleased at causing pain. Individuals with psychopathic traits are not only interpersonally exploitative, they are at times violent, and both narcissistic and psychopathic traits have been linked in research to predicting abuse (e.g. Gerwitz-Meydan & Finzi-Dottan, 2017; Carton & Egan, 2017). Many engage not only in legal fraud but also in con artistry in their most intimate relationships, as they are frequent perpetrators of instrumental aggression (premeditated, planned to achieve a goal), cold-blooded homicides, intimate partner violence, infidelity, as well as gratuitous, sadistic violence (Adams et al., 2014; Fernández-Suárez et al., 2018; Porter & Woodworth, 2002).
Research shows that psychopathic individuals experience less emotional arousal during their crimes than non-psychopathic perpetrators, indicating a lack of fear and empathy during their crimes and deficient emotional responsiveness for the harm they cause their victims (Glenn et al., 2009; Porter & Woodworth, 2002; Porter et al., 2003; Blair, 2010). Their fearless temperament contributes to their ability to engage in sadistic and instrumental aggression without inhibition or fear of consequences. In romantic relationships, this can lead to what psychopathy researchers call relationships of omnipresent risk of potential harm (Woody, 2019).
Research on Narcissism and Manipulation Tactics
That's the clinical definition, but the way a narcissist operates in relationships is stealthier and more complex than the visible signs of narcissism depicted on a list of diagnostic criteria. In research, both narcissism (and to some extent, psychopathy) have been linked to specific behaviors that cause harm in relationships. This includes:
Gaslighting. Riggs and Bartholomaeus (2018) define gaslighting as a manipulation method where an individual persuades someone to believe that their thoughts, perceptions or beliefs are invalid. Sweet (2019) emphasizes that gaslighting is a psychologically abusive attempt to create a surreal interpersonal environment
where the victim is depicted as crazy or feels like they are going crazy. In the research literature, gaslighting has been associated with antisocial traits. For example, Leedom and colleagues (2019) studied 104 intimate partner violence survivors who had been involved with antisocial and psychopathic individuals. This study revealed that gaslighting was a common tactic used by their partners. Another study of 250 young adults supported this relationship between antisocial traits and gaslighting by assessing the personality traits of both offenders of gaslighting and their targets (Miano, et al., 2021). Many therapists have also noted the link between narcissistic partner traits and gaslighting in their clinical experiences (e.g. Stern, 2007; Sarkis, 2018).
Malicious envy. Relationship partners with narcissistic and psychopathic traits and behaviors can be more prone to sabotaging the goals and plans of those they envy, including their intimate partners. Malicious envy is different from benign envy as it includes actions to sabotage and harm someone due to envy. Malicious envy is associated with narcissistic and psychopathic traits in research. Lange and colleagues (2018) conducted three studies with a total of 3,123 participants which revealed both benign and malicious envy are associated with Dark Triad personality traits. Another study by Lange and colleagues (2016) identified that malicious envy is related to vulnerable narcissism and narcissistic rivalry, an antagonistic facet of narcissism.
Jealousy induction (the manufacturing of love triangles). Both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists, as well as psychopaths, engage in a manipulation tactic known as jealousy induction
, according to research (Tortoriello et al., 2017). Grandiose narcissists provoke jealousy in others to obtain power and control, whereas vulnerable narcissists provoke jealousy for not only power and control but also to get revenge on their partners, test the relationship, and compensate for low self-esteem (Tortoriello et al., 2017). In another study of 244 women and 103 men who completed measures of psychopathy, primary psychopathy predicted jealousy induction to gain control or exact revenge on one’s partner. However, secondary psychopathy predicted inducing jealousy to test the relationship, gain control and power over one’s partner and heighten self-esteem (Massar et al., 2017).
Love-bombing, abruptly followed by devaluation. Love bombing is defined by researchers as the excessive communication in the beginning of a romantic relationship used to acquire power and control over someone’s life as a form of narcissistic self-enhancement
(Strutzenberg et al., 2017). This manipulation tactic is also associated with cults and grooming. Many researchers, clinicians, therapists and survivors, however, have asserted that love bombing is a tactic used frequently used by narcissistic and psychopathic personalities especially in the onset of the relationship. Love bombing can include constant contact, flattery, future-faking promises, and a manufactured soulmate
connection.
While love bombing has not been as thoroughly explored in the literature as the other manipulation methods mentioned, preliminary research supports that love bombing may be associated with narcissism. In a sample of 484 college students aged 18-30, results showed that love bombing was associated with narcissistic tendencies and negatively correlated with self-esteem, as well as more media and text usage within romantic relationships (Strutzenberg et al., 2017). Love bombing followed by subsequent devaluation and intermittent reinforcement may produce stronger incidences of traumatic bonding, where intermittent periods of abuse and comfort can cause a victim to become even more strongly attached to