Memorable quotes for "All in the Family" (1971 ) More at IMDbPro advertisementGloria : Do you know that sixty percent

t of all deaths in America are caused by guns? Archie Bunker : Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows? Archie Bunker : Well, let me tell you one thing about Richard E. Nixon. He knows how to keep his wife, Pat, home. Roosevelt could never do that with Eleanor. She was always out on the loose. Running around with the coloreds. Tellin' 'em they was gettin' the short end of the stick. She was the one who discovered the coloreds in this country; we never knew they was there! Archie Bunker : If your spics and your spades want their rightful share of the American dream, let 'em get out there and hustle for it like I done. Mike Stivic : So now you're going to tell me the black man has just as much chance as the white man to get a job? Archie Bunker : More, he has more... I didn't have no million people marchin' and protestin' to get me my job. Edith Bunker : No, his uncle got it for him. Archie Bunker : When your mother-in-law and me was goin' around together, it was two years - we never - I never - I mean absolutely nothin', not 'til the wedding night. Edith Bunker : Yeah, and even then... Gloria : I'm sorry, Mr. Davis, sometimes my father says the wrong things. Sammy Davis Jr. : Yeah, I've noticed that. Lionel Jefferson : But he's not a bad guy, Mr. Davis. I mean like, he'd never burn a cross on your lawn. Sammy Davis Jr. : No, but if he saw one burning, he's liable to toast a marshmallow on it. Archie Bunker : Now, no prejudice intended, but I always check with the Bible on these here things. I think that, I mean if God had meant for us to be together he'd a put us together. But look what he done. He put you over in Africa, and put the rest of us in all the white countries. Sammy Davis Jr. : Well, he must've told 'em where we were because somebody came and got us. Mike Stivic : I just thank God I'm an atheist. [Describing a nightmare he had regarding organ donation] Archie Bunker : My hands was pickin' pockets... my feet was runnin' away from bank robberies... and my eyes was lookin' at hard pore cornography.

Archie Bunker : Now, thinking quick, I start giving her mouth to mouth restitution. Mike Stivic : You got me, Ma, Gloria and Joey. Archie Bunker : Aw geez what a bunch that is: A meathead, A dingbat, a woman's lib and a bald headed kid. Archie Bunker : Let me tell you something else, wise guy, between Jerry Ford and Jerry Carter I know which way I'm going. Mike Stivic : Too bad you couldn't vote for your real favorite, Jerry Reagan. Archie Bunker : Let me tell you one thing about Richard E. Nixon. He knows keep his wife, Pat, home. Roosevelt could never do that with Eleanor. She was always out on the loose. Runnin' around with the coloreds. Tell'in them they was getting the short end of the stick. She was the one that discovered the coloreds in this country, we never knew they was there. Archie Bunker : Who put the last roll of terlit paper on the spool up there? Mike Stivic : I did. Archie Bunker : I mighta knew that. The terlit paper is supposed to go over the spool not under. Mike Stivic : Hey it just occurred to me, Mickey Mouse is black. Archie Bunker : Mickey Mouse ain't got no race. He represents all men. Mike Stivic : Oh, I guess that's why Walt made him a mouse. Mike Stivic : Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Archie Bunker : Cut that out. GOD DAMMIT. Edith Bunker : You shouldn't swear like that. Ever since this Watergate thing it's been GD this and GD that. Archie Bunker : I didn't swear. GD. The first word is God. How can that be a swear word? It's the most popular word in the bible. The second word, damn, that's a perfectly good word, you hear it all the time, like they dam the river to keep it from flooding it. And you read in the Bible that some guy was damned for cheating or stealing or having insex in the family. And who damned him? Who else? God. God damned him. Edith, beautiful words right out of the Bible. Archie Bunker : That guy is a blackbuster. Mike Stivic : Did you ever think that possibly your father just might be wrong? Archie Bunker : My old man? Don't be stupid. My old man? Let

me tell you, he was never wrong about nothing. Mike Stivic : Yes he was, Arch. My old man used to call people the same things as your old man. But I knew he was wrong. So is your old man. Archie Bunker : Don't tell me my father was wrong. Let me tell you something, a father who made you is wrong? A father, the breadwinner of the house there? The man who goes out and busts his butt to keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back you call him wrong? Father, that's the man that comes home, bringing you candy. Father is the first guy to throw a baseball to you. And take you for walks in the park holding you by the hand? My father held me by the hand, hey, my father had a hand on him though I tell you. He busted that hand once, and he busted the other on me to teach me to do good. My father, he shoved my in a closet for seven hours to teach me to do good, 'cause he loved me. Don't be looking at me. Let me tell you something, you're supposed to love your father 'cause your father loves you. How can any man who loves you tell you anything that's wrong? Archie Bunker : George Jefferson is the only black guy I know that calls Abe Lincoln a honky. Mike Stivic : You know, you are totally incomprehensible. Archie Bunker : Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense. Archie Bunker : Little boys who play with dolls grow up to be other boys' roommates. Paul : Every person knows that Homo Sapiens is a killer. Edith Bunker : Homo Sapiens. Is he an Arab? Archie Bunker : No, Edith. Homo Sapiens. That's a killer fag. Edith Bunker : This is a nice restaurant, and it's called the Gay Paris. Gloria Stivic : That's Gay Paree, Ma. Archie Bunker : Gay, gay, what'd you do? Bring us into a fag hangout? Archie Bunker : Now wait a minute, Meathead, I never said your black beauties was lazy. You don't believe me, look it up. Gloria Stivic : He's prejudice, there's no hope for him at all. Archie Bunker : I ain't prejudice, any man deserves my respect and he's gonna get it regardless of his color. Mike Stivic : Then why are you calling them black beauties? Archie Bunker : Now that's where I got you, wise guy, there's a black guy who works down at the building with me, he's got a bumper sticker on his car that says 'Black is

Beautiful' so what's the matter with black beauties? Edith Bunker : It's nicer than when he called them coons. [after Archie stuffs his breakfast into his pockets and leaves] Mike Stivic : That man is on something. Gloria : Bananas. Edith : He's on bananas? Archie Bunker : [after being sung awake] I musta died and gone to the wrong place. 'Cause yas all sure sound like hell. Nurse: You wanna stand up? Archie : Yeah sure. Okay. I feel right as rain. Tell 'em they can keep the ambulance in the garage. Archie Bunker : [Seeing a Chinese man at the blood bank] They're a yellow race. Mike Stivic : And so naturally they've got yellow blood? Look there's an Irish man with green blood. Hey look over there, there's Governor Rockefeller. Archie Bunker : Where? Mike Stivic : There, the guy with the blue blood. Mike Stivic : Alotta places have the same names like Portland, Maine and Portland, Oregon. Gloria Stivic : Yeah, Birmingham, England and Birmingham, Alabama. Edith Bunker : New York, New York. Archie Bunker : [on the lawyer he hired] So what does their religion got to do with it? Mike Stivic : That's what we wanna know. Archie Bunker : Now look here, Mr. Liberal, you brought up their religion, not me. If they're good lawyers, for all I care they could be Chinks. Archie Bunker : Don't talk that way about Ford. He's doing damn well for a guy that was hit in the head playing football. Archie Bunker : [about bug he finds in the kitchen] There's gonna be a lot more of them things around here since Carter made friends with the Chinks. Mike Stivic : Why couldn't they say "Buddha, bless you" in Chinese? Archie Bunker : Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say... Well, if they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara". Mike Stivic : That's Japanese.

Archie Bunker : Same thing. Mike Stivic : It's not the same thing! Archie Bunker : What are you talking about? You put a Jap and a Chink together, you gonna tell me which is which? Mike Stivic : That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals. Archie Bunker : Sure you talk to them. You say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?" Mike Stivic : [yells] I don't believe this. He's making me crazy! Archie : I ain't gonna eat this food with these Chink pickup sticks. Mike Stivic : How can you say that, Arch? With one word you attack an entire race of people and not just the Chinese, the Laotians, the Cambodians, the Vietnamese. Archie : Wait a minute, Meathead, I never call them countries Chinks. Edith : He calls them Gooks. Archie : I'm saying they're all a yellow race. They ain't exactly Chinks, but they are definitely offshoots of your Chinks, they're what you call Chinkish. Archie Bunker : Edith, I'm always nice. Go let the jerk in. Gloria : [doorbell rings] Oh, that must be Uncle Kasim. Daddy, now please be nice. Please? Archie Bunker : I'm always nice, little girl. Now go and open the door and let Uncle Pollock in. Lionel Jefferson : Now listen, Mr. Bunker, I was 19 when we first moved into this neighborhood and I got a big kick out of you then but I'm pushing 21 now and I'm not getting that big of a kick out of it anymore. Archie Bunker : Now, Lionel, put a lid on that. Lionel Jefferson : I'm not finished now we've been friends and we can go on being friends, but when it comes to black and white and all the other wonderful thoughts you have in between, put a lid on that, Archie. Mike Stivic : So you must be Mr. Bunker. Archie Bunker : You figured that out, huh? Mike Stivic : [to Gloria] You know, ever since we got separated, you got fat. Archie Bunker : Well if all blood's the same, let me ask you this: how come they ain't got no Swedes in the mafia? Mike Stivic : What does that got to do with anything? Archie Bunker : Because your Italians got a lock on it. That's why. It's in their blood. Same way it's in your blacks' blood to do the 'scooby-dooby-doo'.

Mike Stivic : Archie Bunker Mike Stivic : Ma. Archie Bunker

Double header today huh Arch? : What do you mean? You're gonna cheat the insurance company and : Why don't you mind your own beeswax.

Archie Bunker : Hey, Edith, open a fresh box of Twinkies for Mr. Davis. Sammy Davis Jr. : Twinkies? Mike Stivic : It's kind of a wasp soul food. Archie Bunker : This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Maude : You're fat. Gloria Stivic : Robin's burning incense. I think it smells nice. Archie Bunker : It smells like a house of Ill Refute. Archie Bunker : Well in the words of Harry S. Truman, if it's too hot in the kitchen, stay away from the cook. Archie Bunker : I ain't gonna carry that umbrella, Edith, if the guys at work saw me walk in with that, they'd thing I've turned into an English fruit. Edith Bunker : You better take your rubbers too. Archie Bunker : I don't want no rubbers, every time I put 'em off, my shoes come off with 'em. Archie : [Mike is at the door] Oh, I thought there was somebody at the door. There's a beard out there with a nobody under it. Mike Stivic : Why is Jefferson number 2? Archie Bunker : Because, Meathead, there can only be one number 1 and one number 2 and life made Jefferson number 2 long before I come along. Gloria Stivic : So then Puerto Ricans are number 3 then, huh Daddy? Archie Bunker : Well not necissarily there, Little Girl, your Puerto Ricans can be 4. Your Japs and your Chinks can be 3 - 3A, 3B. [when Mike is worried that he failed his college exams] Irene Lorenzo : Don't worry so much Mike, as I always say Que Sera, Sera. Edith Bunker : That's right Mike, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Archie : Let me tell you something Mister Stivic. You are a

MEATHEAD. As in meat,head... dead from the neck up. Archie Bunker : Roosevelt sold us out to Joe Stalin at Gibraltar. Maude : They met at Yalta. Archie Bunker : He sold us out there too. Archie Bunker : I know all about your woman's troubles there, Edith, but when I had the hernia that time, I didn't make you wear the truss. If you're gonna have the change of life, you gotta do it right now. I'm gonna give you just 30 seconds. Now c'mon and change. Edith Bunker : Can I finish my soup first? George Jefferson : If he's gonna have the last laugh, I'm gonna have it first. Archie Bunker : Some red nail polish, Edith? Why didn't you just buy her some rouge, high heels and a lamp post. Archie Bunker : That ain't the American Way, buddy. No, siree. Listen here, professor. You're the one who need an American History lesson. You don't know nothin' about Lady Liberty standin' there in the harbor, with her torch on high screamin' out to all the nations in the world: "Send me your poor, your deadbeats, your filthy." And all the nations send 'em in here, they come swarming in like ants. Your Spanish P.R.'s from the Caribboin, your Japs, your Chinamen, your Krauts and your Hebes and your English fags. All of 'em come in here and they're all free to live in their own separate sections where they feel safe. And they'll bust your head if you go in there. *That's* what makes America great, buddy. [exits Stivic house] Mike Stivic : [to Gloria] I think we just heard Archie Bunker's Bicentennial Minute. Archie : ...So I started giving her mouth to mouth restitution, there. Edith : Mike, how did you hurt your back? Mike Stivic : Lifting a hibachi. Archie : What a dope, you lifed a motorcycle? Archie Bunker : Uh, no intense offended there. Archie Bunker : Will you vacate the chair meathead? [after returning from the bathroom] Archie Bunker : Lemme tell ya, Edith, you can't really *buy* beer... you can only rent it. [when a presidential speech interrupts his TV show]

Archie Bunker : Aww, geez... if Nixon keeps goin' on like that, he won't have Archie Bunker to kick around anymore. Sammy Davis Jr. : If you were prejudiced, Archie, when I came into your home, you would have called me a coon or a nigger. But you didn't say that, I heard you clear as a bell, you came right out and called me colored. And if you were prejudiced, you'd go around thinking that you were better than everybody. But after spending these wonderful moments with you, Archie, I can tell ya - you ain't better than nobody. Archie Bunker : Can I have your hand on that, Mr. Davis? [after watching kids dance to Jesus Christ Superstar] Archie Bunker : The Lord wants you to come to him on your knees, not wigglin' and jigglin' 'til your parts fall off. Archie Bunker : Go ahead, ask your mother, *she* believes in capital punishment. Gloria Stivic : Do you Ma? Edith Bunker : Well, sure. Gloria Stivic : MA? Edith Bunker : Well, as long as it ain't too severe. Archie : Free treatment for VD. VD. Do you know what *that* means, Edith? Edith : oh, yeah. V-D day. Archie Bunker : Everyone I like stays the hell away from me. [after Archie stuffs his breakfast into his pockets and leaves] Mike Stivic : He's on something. Gloria : Bananas. Edith : Archie's on bananas? Archie : I feel like Rip Van Heussen. Mike, Gloria, Edith: Winkle. Archie : Alright, Winkle Van Heussen. Archie : Well, you know what they say, Edith. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta fry. Edith : Swim. Archie : That too. Gloria Stivic : Hi Dad, where's Ma? Archie Bunker : I don't know, she flew out of here like a dingbat outta Hell. Archie Bunker : You worse than that hebe congressman Sam Irving.

Archie : Do you believe that guy making suppository remarks while I'm singing "God Bless America"? Archie : In my day we didn't have no Anglo Americans or African Americans, we was all Americans so if a guy was a jig or a spick, it was his own business. Archie Bunker : Back in my day, they wasn't called Chicanos or Anglo-Americans or Afro-Americans, we was all Americans so if a guy was a jig or a spick, it was his own business. Mike Stivic : You got a hang-up about sex. Archie : I ain't got a hang-up about... That. Mike Stivic : See, you can't even say it. Archie : I don't use four letter words in front of women, ya dope. Gloria : Daddy, you shouldn't be afraid of sex. Archie : Listen, little girl, if I was a afraid of it, you wouldn't be here. Right, Edith? Archie : Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you are one dumb Pollack. Archie : Sticks and stones may break my bones, but FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT. Archie : What kind of fathead would send us something like this? Edith : It's from your mother. Mike Stivic : glasses, he's Archie Bunker A guy who's a You think that just because a guy wears a queer. : No, a guy who wears glasses is a four-eyes. fag is a queer.

Jeff: Hey, what's happenin', Man? Archie : I'm having a stroke. Jeff: Far out. I can dig it. [Edith's high school is being torn down to build a grocery store] Edith Bunker : It won't be the same saying "I went to school there," while pointing at the A&P. Archie : [Admiring his new watch] This here tells me that it's morning in China. So right at this moment, eight hundred million Chinks are sitting down to breakfast. Mike Stivic : Archie, in the first place they are called Chinese. Archie : That's what I said, Chinks. Archie : Three Men in a Tub, they had a water shortage in

them days. So everything in Fairyland was in threes, you know, except the dwarfs. There was seven of them 'cause they was little and the wolf was after them so the wolf came running after them and boy he had one hell of a breath. He blew down their house and they had to find another joint so they run through the woods and they run into Goldilocks and she took them all in to live with her and there's nothin' wrong with that because she was a nice girl and they're old anyway. So they got another house but the wolf came along and blew that one down too so then they run through the woods again and they come to a brick house and that belonged to Disney so they all moved in there and started working for him. Archie : [singing] London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down, the Limeys built it wrong. Gloria : You just don't want to be alone with the baby 'cause you're afraid you might have to change him. Archie : You think I never changed you, little girl? Gloria : If I had waited for you to do that, I would've worn the same diaper since I was two. Ma told me that. Archie : Don't believe your mother, you believe me. Many is the time I changed you, little girl, and it wasn't always wee-wee. Sometimes it was this here. [Holds up two fingers] Gloria : Well I never promised you a rose garden. Archie : Oh, a scarf. It's got that beautiful beege color. Edith : Beige. Archie : Some of that too. Archie Bunker : What's this here? Babysitter: Baby oil. Archie Bunker : And how many table spoons are you supposed to give it? Babysitter: You rub it on, you don't feed it to them. [Michael says that Archie's friend Steve is gay] Archie Bunker : You are SICK, you know that? YOU NEED HELP. I've listened to this guy around here for ten months. All this pinko stuff, that's all right, that's what they're fillin' 'em up with in the schools nowadays, huh? The clothes, well, that's all right, they take from each other, one kid looks crummier than the next. Their wide-open sex any time of the day or night for no reason at all, that's all right, that's their submissive society. But when he goes besmearing - when he goes besmearing the name of a great line-backer, a second-choice all-American, a man, and I mean a REAL MAN, THEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL SHUT THE DOORS OF THIS COUNTRY AND HANG UP A SIGN, "CLOSED. OWNER GONE NUTS".

Archie Bunker : I says, "Edith, Darling, what is, is" and then I said, "Edith, Darlin, what was, was". And finally, I say, "Edith, Darling, what's going to be, is going to be". But your mother in-law don't know nothin' about philosophy. [Mikes stares blankly at him] Archie Bunker : Don't seem like you know a hell of a lot about it yourself. Archie : [about Beverly LaSalle] I wish I could've told her what a nice fellow she was. Archie : Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents? Archie : Hey Sydney, you're a real chimp off the old block. Stephanie : Thanks, Uncle Archie. Archie : Me? But it's from your father. Stephanie : My father doesn't spell "Daddy" D-A-D-Y. Archie Bunker Chester Byrd: Archie Bunker Chester Byrd: : You're colored. Yes I am. : You didn't sound colored on the phone. That's 'cause I used the white telephone.

Archie Bunker : Here's something we can see in Disney World. They got an all bear band. Edith Bunker : They got a naked band at Disney World? Edith Bunker : I hate bears. Archie Bunker : Well they ain't real bears, they... Edith Bunker : I hate all bears. Archie Bunker : Edith, I'm trying to show you... Edith Bunker : STIFLE. Edith Bunker : What's wrong, Archie? Mike Stivic : It's just indigestion. It comes from eating his own words. Archie Bunker : [Working a crossword puzzle] A four letter Italian word for "goodbye". Bang. B-A-N-G. Coke: Your neighbor, Mr. McNab, just called to tell you that two Jigaboos just robbed Morgan's Jewelry Store and they hiding in the neighborhood. Archie : Hi, how are ya? Edith Bunker : We should take you to the doctor. Archie Bunker : No, I've already had one attempted robbery today.

Coke: [on the phone with Mr. McNab] This is the family physician, Dr. Black. What's that, Mr. McNab? Oh. Mrs. Bunker. Your neighbor, Mr. McNab, called to say that two fellows just robbed... What did you say, Mr. McNab? Oh, two jigaboos. Archie Bunker : That's what I keep telling my big, dumb Pollack son in-law. Desk Sergeant: Big, dumb what? Archie Bunker : Pollack. Mike Stivic : Say it louder, Arch, Sgt. Pulaski didn't hear you. Archie Bunker : [Lionel has brought over some food] Let me guess: pork chops? Lionel Jefferson : Uh yeah, we was gonna bring some watermelon too, but they's out of season. Archie Bunker : How do youse people manage to store things in them tiny bathrooms? Lionel Jefferson : Well, we have this little cabinet under the table and we shove our things into it. So, Mr. Bunker, why don't you shove yours. [Exits] Archie Bunker : You know, a guy could take that two ways. Mike Stivic : Knowing Lionel, I'm sure he only meant it one way. Archie Bunker : I have you into my house, there, you break bread with me and then you go and do a thing like this, thank you very much, Lionel. Lionel Jefferson : You mean me taking out Linda? Archie Bunker : Yes. Lionel Jefferson : Oh you don't have to thank me for that, Mr. Bunker. I'd do it again but she's leaving tomorrow. Archie Bunker : Let's cut the funnies. You know what I'm saying to you. I'm saying that youse guys ought to stick with yourselves. Lionel Jefferson : You mean guys ought to stay with guys? Kate Korman: [to Archie] I have a name for you. Mr. Edith Bunker. Archie : Hey, Kiddo, do the cockroaches come over here on the big ships or do they fly nowadays? Stephanie : I think the American ones are born here. Archie : Don't be fresh. Manuel: The piano, the refrigerator, everything was possessed and you got to go to Sicily to play the pin ball machine. This is a bad day for me. Archie : A bad day for you?

Manuel: Yeah, I was going to ask you for a raise. Judge: Mrs. Bunker, you're out of order. Archie Bunker : No, she ain't pregnant. Just my daughter. Principal: I'm having some regulatory problems. Archie : Oh, just try some Epsom salts. Works for me. Sybil Gooley: He never liked me. Archie Bunker : And I always will. Archie : I ain't a bigot, I'm just saying it ain't your fault that youse guys is colored. Archie Bunker : [trapped in an elevator; trying the elevator phone] Hello? Operator? Carlos Mendoza : [to Archie] Seor? Archie Bunker : [into phone] Operator? Carlos Mendoza : [to Archie] Seor? Archie Bunker : Would somebody translate for this Spic here and tell him I'm trying to use the phone? Carlos Mendoza : [Hispanic accent] Is no need; this? uh? "Spic" speak English. Archie Bunker : Well, then you oughta know that I'm trying to call for help. Carlos Mendoza : I try to tell you, the phone only rings in the janitor's office. Archie Bunker : Well, then, that's who I'm trying to call. Carlos Mendoza : I am the janitor. [Archie is missing] Mike Stivic : I'd better go over to the Friedman building and try to find him at the insurance office. Ma, can you remember the name? Edith : [Drunk] Archie Bunker. Archie Bunker : I saw a lot of action in the war. Black Man: During KP or latrine duty? Archie Bunker : As a soldier in the Army Air Corp, that's the only place we'd see you people. Black Man: As an officer in the Intelligence Division, I would never have seen you. Archie : Good going there, Pedro. Carlos Mendoza : My name is Carlos. Archie : Carlos it is, Pedro. Archie : [after seeing the bag filled with the blood he has just given] Is that mine? Nurse: Not anymore. Archie Bunker : I was in the war. The big war, you know. It

was nice over there in Italy. Say, you wouldn't be one of them senoritas, would ya? You could be what with the dark hair and dark eyes and all. Mike Stivic : Ma, can you remember the name of the insurance guy? Edith Bunker : Um... It's a German name... Hinklemeyer. That's it. Archie Bunker : Hinklemeyer, okay. [exits] Gloria Stivic : Ma, are you sure that's the name? Edith Bunker : Yeah. Hinklemeyer, that's it. [takes sip of wine] Edith Bunker : Or Swanson. Archie : I'm gonna wallop her behind and make it look like two Jap flags. Carlos Mendoza : Let me 'splain something to you, Mister. 1: How many children we have is 'cause we love each other very much. 2: You talk very intelligent, Mister, but you not so smart. 3: Shut up you face. Archie Bunker : You go back where you came from and send me a Jew. Edith Bunker : I gotta get the cranberry sauce. Archie Bunker : Edith, the lord and me don't give a damn about cranberry sauce. Archie Bunker : If God had intended whites and coloreds to dance together... Mike Stivic : He'd had given us rhythm too. Archie Bunker : Not against His will. [Points skyward] Mike Stivic : What does 'His will' have to do with it? Since when did He get into it? Archie Bunker : He was never out of it. When He calls, you gotta go. Gloria Stivic : Unless modern medicine saves you. Archie Bunker : It can't. Mike Stivic : Sure it can. It does all the time. Archie Bunker : That's when He wasn't really calling, but when He calls, you gotta go. He don't want no quack doctors down here trying to save you. It throws His schedule all off. If you throw off His schedule, when you get up there you gotta answer to him. He's gonna want to know from you, why you didn't come when you was called. Why you was late. And you also gotta answer to the guy whose heart you got. He's gonna want it back so you'll be walking around Heaven with a hole in your chest.

Archie Bunker : I got bigger fish to fly. Edith Bunker : I gotta go to the bathroom. [Starts to run upstairs but Lambert races after her] Edith Bunker : What are you doing? Lambert: You're going to the bathroom? I'm going with you. Edith Bunker : I'll wait 'til tomorrow. Archie : [about Mike and Gloria] Edith, why do them two always gotta be over here? I can't stand to look at them. Edith : What are you going to do today, Archie? Archie : I'm going over to their house. [Mike and Archie search the house for a rapist] Archie : Search the closet. Mike Stivic : [Knocks on closet door] There's nobody in there. Archie : What the hell did you expect him to say, "Entrevous?" Archie out of Gloria Archie Gloria : Hey, little girl, does your fish ever so often come water and lay on a rock? : No. : Then he's dead. : [crying] Mr. Jaws died.

Officer Gorsky: Now you say the suspect was Caucasian? Archie Bunker : No, he was white. Well he could've had some colored mixed in him the way things are now adays. Yeah, he could've been one of them macaroons. Archie : Edith, go set the alarm clock for 1997. Edith : You're gonna sleep for 20 years? Archie : If it was good enough for Rip Van Heussen... Edith, Mike, Gloria: Winkle. Archie : Alright, Winkle Van Heussen, then ipso fatso, it's good enough for Archie Bunker. Archie Bunker : Do you know how to swim? Mike Stivic : Yeah. Archie Bunker : Then why don't you go take a flying leap into the middle of Lake Polack? Archie Bunker : I got a rubbery feeling it's Beverly La Salle. Archie Bunker : Everything's fine, Officers. Everything is just peaches and beans. Gloria : Look at him, Ma. Curled up like a fetus in the womb.

Archie : I don't care what Ma's gonna feed us at noon. Archie : Who are you, Ralph Nuder? Archie : Why did the Irish farmer pour alcohol on his vegetable crop? Because he wanted to have stewed tomatoes. Archie : Archie's Place. Fresh beer on tap. Family environment, we cater to straights. Archie : Edith, come on. 'Tis the season to be jolly, so be jolly. Archie : Youse all seen a bar in a motel, right? But who the hell ever heard a motel in a bar? Archie : You wanna put your mother and me through the same kind of shame? Besmooze the family name like that? Archie : So I was drivin' by Kennedy... Edith : Kennedy airport? Archie : No, Cape Kennedy. I'm looking for a flight to the moon. Archie Bunker : I'm up the creek in a boat with a hole. Mike Stivic : Arch, let me help you close up. Archie Bunker : No. To close up is to close down, to close down is to go out of business. Never close, stay open all the time. Archie Bunker : The Lord can forgive me for being up to my butt in debts, but you Harry are going straight to hell for being up to your butt in boobs. Archie Bunker : You mean the guy... Raped you? Edith Bunker : He tried to. Archie Bunker : So he was at the house when I was there, why didn't you tell me? Edith Bunker : He said he would do something to you. Archie Bunker : Do something to me? What the hell was he, a fruit too? Edith : You should apologize to Harry. Archie : Apologize for what? For killing me? Did Abe Lincoln apologize to Alexander Graham Booth? Gloria : John Wilkes Booth. Archie : Don't repeat what I say. Archie Bunker : Don't holler the word RAPE. Archie Bunker : There's a gas station, only the pumps ain't

pumping gas. See, they got a pump for scotch and a pump for bourbon. They also got a premium pump, little girl, and you know what the premium pump is for? Champagne. Archie Bunker : [Reading a comic book] Ha ha ha. Oh that Dennis. He really is a menace. Such a rotten kid I love him. Archie : Well, Doctor, she's... B-L-A-K. Doctor: But her blood is R-E-D-D. Edith : Archie, there's someone here to see you. Archie : If it ain't Alice Faye, tell him to get the hell out of here. Archie : Manuel, you got the stuff? Manuel: Stuff? Archie : You know, the P-I-L-Z. Archie : I'm gonna go into town and get me a good Jew lawyer. Mike Stivic : Do you always have to label people? Why can't you just get a lawyer. Why does it have to be a Jewish lawyer? Archie : Because if I'm going to sue an "A-rab," I want a guy that's full o' hate! [after playing a game of Karate Men] Mike Stivic : You're a sore loser. Archie : I am not. You reached over with your hand and knocked my Jap over. Archie Bunker : Don't bother the U.S.A Government with the Constitution. Mike Stivic : Why? Afraid they're gonna read it? Archie Bunker : Go take care of the bathroom wall. Manuel: What's wrong with it? Archie Bunker : The poem is back about the man from Nantucket. Archie : God created the universe in seven days. Edith : Six days. On the seventh day he rested. Archie : Well only for a while then He looked over what He done. Archie : Archie Bunker don't need no clothes for the rest of his life. Archie : Where's my grandson? Mike Stivic : He's asleep. Archie : Well wake him up. Mike Stivic : He's tired.

Archie : But every time I come over here the kid is either in bed, in the bath tub or on the pot. Archie : [Floyd has asked the Bunkers to look after Stephanie] Tell him he's barking up the wrong tree. Edith : You're barking up the wrong tree. Archie : You heard the boss. Edith : We'd love to take in Stephie. Floyd: Archie money. Floyd: Archie Floyd: Archie Gee Arch, I hate to ask for help. : Good, 'cause I hate to give it. Especially if it's Oh no, this ain't about money. : Then you got a chance. I need you to watch Stephanie for a few weeks. : You had a better chance at money.

[Finding out Stephanie is Jewish] Stephanie Mills: My father said not to talk about it. Edith Bunker : Why? Stephanie Mills: He said if Uncle Archie knew he would call be a Hebe. Edith Bunker : Archie, I think you owe Mike an apology. Archie Bunker : Yeah? And he owes me two years rent. So now we're even. Gloria Stivic : Daddy, what I the Duke be alive if he threw Archie Bunker : 'Cause it was dud like everything else them don't understand is how can himself on a grenade? an Italian grenade. It was a Pasta-Fazoos made.

Gloria : You know, pizza's actually not from Italy. I read that Marco Polo discovered it in China and then brought it back to Italy. Archie : Leave it to a dago to go halfway around the world to get a take-home meal. Archie Bunker : You know what else has been missing lately? My little box of war memorials with my sharp-shooters badge, my good conduct medal, purple heart and that piece of Kraut shrapnel the medics took out of my butt. Now who besides you and me would like that? Archie Bunker : Don't hit the knee that got hit with the trolley. Archie Bunker : Every man should be king of his castle. And in this here castle, I am the king. Edith Bunker : And I am the queen. Archie Bunker : [Concerning Beverly LaSalle] Well this king can only handle one queen at a time.

[Archie's socks are missing] Edith : Did you look in the top drawer? Archie : Certainly I looked in the top drawer. Edith : Well they ain't in the top drawer. Archie Bunker : What she done was wrong and she gotta be punished. For the next two weeks, no out after school. No out at all. If you find yourself having fun at something, stop it. And no delicious foods for three weeks. You only gotta eat the terrible foods that are good for you. And then no TV for a week. And the next week, and this is gonna be tougher: educational TV only. Henry Jefferson: Let them mix the races but we're gonna keep ours pure. No more cream into the coffee. [Henry Jefferson is dressed as Santa Claus] Archie : Santa Claus is white. Henry: Yeah well when I was a kid, the man filling my stocking was black. [Edith hands Archie a beer on the left side instead of the usual right] Archie : What are you doing? Edith : I thought you might like it on this side for a change. Archie : Is it gonna taste better on this side? Archie Bunker : Here's my argaroll socks straight from California, made in Taiwan. Stephanie : Is Aunt Rose is still sick? Archie : No, she has D-Y-E-D. Stephanie : You mean D-I-E-D. D-Y-E-D means she changed color. Archie : She probably done that too. Mike Stivic : [to Archie] In the last election you didn't like Carter, you didn't like Ford so he wrote in Richard Nixon. Edith : Archie, did you really write in "Richard Nixon"? Archie : Of course not. I wrote in Reagan. Archie Bunker : Go out and get me a beer. Edith : Can or bottle? Archie : We never buy bottles. Wendell: Let me make this perfectly clear. Mike Stivic : Gee where have I heard that before? [on a subway]

Mike Stivic : You've moved us through three cars already. Archie : There was a gang war in the first car. Mike Stivic : What gang? It was three kids fighting over a strap to hold onto. Archie : I'll bet if you went back now the little one would be hanging from that strap. Archie : Look at this, Edith. We lost a daughter but gained a meathead. [Mike has climbed into bed with Archie and accidentally spilled water on him] Archie : You got into bed with me to do this here? Mike Stivic : It was an accident. Archie : With Little Joey it's an accident. With you, it's a dishonorable discharge. Archie : Your honor, may I encroach the bench? Mike Stivic : I'll drive a truck, pump gas, collect garbage. Archie : Bingo. Start collecting the garbage off of the table. Archie Bunker : His chest is all puffed out like Raquel Walsh. Archie : When Sammy Davis Jr. get's here, don't say nothing about his eye. Edith : What eye? Archie : One of them is glass. You'll find out which one when he get's here, now don't say nothing about it. Now you got any fried chicken out in the kitchen? 'Cause they like to snack on that. Archie : Button your face. Archie Bunker : Maybe she's lucky he lived as long as she did. Stephanie : A person can't go paralyzed by smelling cabbage. Archie Bunker : I don't know, the nose is a pretty strong thing. One time I was changing one of Joey's diapers and I nearly passed out. Beverly La Salle: I have the best dress-maker in town: Mr. Florence. Edith Bunker : Is he a man or a woman? Beverly La Salle: Yes. Edith Bunker : Why don't you sit down? Beverly La Salle: In this dress? Are you kidding? [Imitating Mae West]

Beverly La Salle: One false move and you'll have wall to wall foam rubber. Archie Bunker : I stopped in the gent's room the other day, so help me there was a man in there with a ponytail. My heart nearly turned over, I thought I was in the wrong toilet. [Archie is spreading smoke around the room] Mike Stivic : What are you doing? Archie Bunker : Did you ever hear of smoke damage? Mike Stivic : Did you ever hear of fraud? Archie Bunker : Did you ever hear of getting lucky? Mike Stivic : Did you ever hear of going to jail? Archie Bunker : Did you ever hear of shut up. Archie Bunker : [to vagrant] Why don't you go to sleep and dream about the tragedy that is your life. Edith : Archie learned how to save lives in the toilet at work. Beverly La Salle: Really? He saved mine in a cab. Archie Bunker : When the firemen come I want them looking at the fire in the can, not the fire in your Spanish eyes. Edith Bunker : Are your neighbors all poor? Gloria Stivic : No, why? Edith Bunker : Because they're all sitting in a circle sharing the same cigarette. Archie Bunker : And remember, don't talk to strangers unless you know them very well. Archie : Edith, I am trying to speak unto the Lord [points skyward with a stick of celery; looks skyward] Archie : Forgive me, Lord, for pointing at you with a vegetable. Gloria : My parents gave us five years of happiness in their house. Mike Stivic : Those were the worst five years of my life. Gloria : Those were the first five years we were married. Mike Stivic : Bingo. Stephanie Mills: I'd like to go to the John. Edith Bunker : We're going to the John. Archie Bunker : I heard. [to Floyd] Archie Bunker : "John"? Couldn't you have taught her to say "toilet" like educated people? Floyd Mills: I try the best I can.

Archie Bunker : Well you failed. Edith Bunker : Stephie, don't you want to come with us and have fun at Disneyland? Stephanie Mills: No. Archie Bunker : You will have fun where I tell you to have fun. Edith Bunker : Stephie, you can stay with us forever. Archie Bunker : Not after she get's married. I've had enough of son in-laws under this roof. [Mike slips into the bed with the sheets tucked in] Archie : I don't believe what I just seen there. You slid in there like a card into a time clock. Archie : You go off and leave me here with nobody home. Edith : Mike was here. Archie : Like I said, nobody was home. Repairman : I can't go against my religion. Archie Bunker : Hey, turning down business. THAT'S against your religion. Repairman : Mr. Bunker, I can only answer that insult with an old Jewish expression [speaks Yiddish] Archie Bunker : What the hell does that mean? Repairman : You'll never know, but believe me, I got even. Archie : Business ain't too, what-do-you-call, quick on Friday nights. Mike Stivic : Why is that? Archie : Uh, nobody knows. Archie Bunker : I changed my mind. I don't want no stranger in the house. He'd probably snuggle girls up the stairs. Edith Bunker : Well suppose the 'he' is a she? Archie Bunker : You wouldn't want that either. Archie Bunker : I would take will into court and have it thrown out. Mike Stivic : On what grounds? Archie Bunker : On the courtroom grounds under the windows. Archie Bunker : [on a female boarder] Get one with the flat chests and big feet who want nothing out of life other than to work hard and pay the rent. Edith : Do you know what today is? Archie : Certainly I do. Today is the first day of National Spay the Cat Week.

Mike Stivic : Ask him if he sells dinosaur insurance. Edith : Do you know how old I am today? Archie : Yeah, you're 50. I got a very romantic way of remembering that: you are as old as Lindburg's airplane. Archie Bunker : Are you all right in there? Mike Stivic : Yeah, I just slipped on some cake. Hey, the cake tastes burnt. Archie : How did you get rid of the lousy bum? Edith : I hit him with my cake. Archie : Thank God you had something heavy. Edith Bunker : I'm an old lady. I'm very old. I'm as old as Lindburg's airplane. Lambert: I like older women. Edith Bunker : But I'm married. Lambert: So am I. Archie Bunker : Wait 'til you hear this, Edith. They decided not to will Joey to anyone, and you know why? 'Cause they decided they ain't never gonna die. Archie Bunker : Don't you know that California is sitting on a shelf out there, they call that the Pacific Shelf. There's three states on that shelf: Oregon, California and Missouri. When the big earthquake hits, all them three states are going to be shoved right off that shelf there. They call that the Continental Divide. Mike Stivic : What? Archie Bunker : Yes. The Pope knew about this years ago. He said it was St. Andrew's fault. Mike Stivic : So when Sammy Davis gets here, are you gonna call him a jungle bunny? Archie Bunker : Certainly not. I'll call him Mr. Davis. Mike Stivic : What's the difference between him and our neighbor Lionel? Archie Bunker : 10 million dollars and several Catillacs. Archie Bunker : California is full of nuts and fruits. Every fruit is a little nutty and every nut is a little fruity. Mike Stivic : Archie : Yeah Mike Stivic : Archie : What Nice to see you, Arch. well, nice to see you too, Michael. You called me Michael. the hell, it's Christmas.

Archie Bunker : Guess which famous personality I had in my cab? Edith Bunker : Oh, this is fun. Living or dead?

Archie Bunker : I was driving a cab, Edith, not a hearse. Archie : This woman's lib is infiltrating our home and your daughter's bringing it in here. I suppose next she'll have you prancing around in hot pants and burning your brassier. Edith : No, I'm afraid of fire. Archie Bunker : What has hate got to do with this, you dumb Polack? Archie Bunker : I been thinking this whole thing over, and you can't leave. 'Cause you can't go to school at night, work at the same time, pay for an apartment, support a wife and a baby, see? Now to begin with, you ain't got the brains. The boy didn't even have the brains to keep himself from getting pregnant. Mike Stivic : Archie, I've been trying to tell you something. We're not pregnant anymore. Archie Bunker : Will you let me finish? You what? Mike Stivic : Well, we're not gonna have a baby now. Archie Bunker : You big dumb Polack, did you do something illegal? Archie : They put a woman's heart in a man's body. Mike Stivic : So? Archie : So, it's hard enough for a man and woman to live together in the same house, never mind the same body. Edith : [playing Monopoly] Aw, I gotta go to jail. Archie : Make it solitary confinement. Archie : [on the phone] No, no, I ain't got nothing against them people. I'm calling you from a home that used to be colored. Mike Stivic : Why are you always bothered by a simple show of affection? Archie : Because I hate it. Edith : But in the hospital you said having a boarder was a good idea. Archie : But I was so full of pills and enemas, I didn't know if I was coming or going. [Archie finds a swastika painted on the front door] Edith : Who did that? Archie : I don't know, Edith, the artist didn't sign it. Archie Bunker : She ain't a fire starter. She ain't like your Emperor Negro who fiddled while Rome burned. Mike Stivic : Arch, what did your Cousin Oscar die of?

Archie : I think he died of bad feet. Mike Stivic : Nobody dies of bad feet. Archie : I dunno, he was always complaining that his feet were killing him, so... Mike Stivic : [Joey's goldfish died in the punch bowl] Arch, this thing stinks. Can't you go home and get your bowl? [Archie and Mike push the bowl towards one another, causing it to fall to the ground and break] Archie, Mike: Why did you do that? You did that. You did that. You did that. Archie : Now I gotta go get my own punch bowl from my own house... Archie, Mike: Dope. Mike Stivic : I'm sorry to get you out of bed. Edith Bunker : Oh that's all right, we was only sleeping. Archie Bunker : How long have them two been up there? Edith Bunker : An hour and a half. Archie Bunker : [knowing they're having sex; looks angry] In the middle of the day. Edith Bunker : Seems like an awfully long time to be showing her his grades. Archie : [singing to baby Joey] Lullaby and goodnight, and with roses bedight. Whatever that means. Archie Bunker : Hey, do youse people believe in women's liberation? Lionel Jefferson : Actually, we's still working on just plain liberation. Lionel Jefferson : [Archie comments on the three-piece suit he's wearing] I also got a yellow one with stripes and a purple one with checks for when I'm with MY people. Archie Bunker : He's a strong kid there, this morning he bit right through a nipple. Luckily it was on a bottle or he could've hurt someone in the family. Stephanie : Where's Joey and the meathead? Gloria : [to Archie] Did you teach her that? Archie : Where is Joey and the meathead? [Gloria lightly slaps him] Archie : Don't hit your father in the airport. Edith Bunker : What's a Toyota Hatchback? Archie Bunker : It's got slanted headlights and it'll bomb you without warning. Edith Bunker : What are you fighting about?

Mike Stivic : The Star-Spangled Banner. Edith Bunker : Did the singer forget the words again? Archie Bunker : In my bed I stay, 'til death us do part. Archie Bunker : I never left Gloria alone when she was a baby. Wherever I went, I made sure Edith was with her. Babysitter: Mr. Bunker, maybe you'd feel better if you sat for your grandson. Archie : I would but I have a poker game going on. Babysitter: Well what's more important: a poker game or your grandson? Archie : Don't be fresh. Archie : I don't want you reading these books here. Anthropology? Babysitter: Yes, the study of man. Archie : Well I don't want you studying THIS man. Mike Stivic Stephanie : Mike Stivic Stephanie : : How was your trip? I threw up three times. : Rough plane ride, eh? No, it was in Gloria's car.

Archie Bunker : Don't let him turn over on his face or he'll wind up with a cauliflower nose. Archie Bunker : A man should always listen to his wife. Edith Bunker : Archie, I... Archie Bunker : Dummy up. Archie Bunker : I tell ya, Edith, when a plumber's business goes into the toilet you're sitting pretty. Edith : Why don't you go out and finish dinner. Mike Stivic : Nah, I ain't hungry. Edith : Ya can't depend on nothing no more. Edith Bunker : I'm home. I'm home, Archie. Archie Bunker : Are you sure? Archie Bunker : [to Baby Joey] When you're older, I'll be telling you fairy stories. No, not about them people. Mike Stivic : What were you saying about colored families having no love? Archie Bunker : Why is it you can remember everything except how to work? Mike Stivic : In today's society, people throw things out because they don't work.

Archie Bunker : Well you don't work, maybe we should throw you out. Archie Bunker : Silence is golden, so stifle thy self. Edith : You know what we're gonna do tomorrow? Archie : Don't tell me. Edith : We're gonna throw Stephanie a birthday party. Archie : She tells me anyway. Archie Bunker : What kind of a doctor chokes up to the house in a Plymouth? Let me call Dr. Kurtsman who glides around in a Lincoln. Dr. Sydney Shapiro: That girl needs her appendix taken out. If you want a second opinion, take her to the hospital and have it done there. Archie Bunker : But I want a second opinion to see if she should go to the hospital. Edith Bunker : [about Dr. Sydney Shapiro] He was so smart. He had always wanted to make a bat. Archie Bunker : A ball bat? Edith Bunker : No, a real bat. He wanted to cross a mouse with a bird. Archie Bunker : THAT'S the genius you got working on our kid in there? Archie Bunker : I nearly killed the child. Edith Bunker : You couldn't help it if her appendix burst. Archie Bunker : Who said young Dr. Shapiro shouldn't do it? Who said old Dr. Shapiro should? Who thought we should get Dr. Kurtsman - who never called me back from the Copa Cabana. Who done all them stupid things? Edith Bunker : You did. Archie Bunker : We'd barely have enough strength to drag ourselves over the hill to the bone orchard. Edith Bunker : I ain't going to no bone orchard. Archie Bunker : If I go, you go. Beverly LaSalle: I'm a female impersonator. Edith Bunker : Oh. Ain't that smart. Who better to impersonate a female than a woman? Beverly LaSalle: I was just telling your wife that I'm no lady. Archie Bunker : How you earned this 50 is no business of mine. Edith Bunker : I ain't been so proud of you since Uncle Willie cut his finger carving the Thanksgiving turkey and

you stopped the bleeding by tying it up with the string they used to tie up the turkey's you-know-what with. Archie Bunker : How can you do that all in one breath? Beverly LaSalle: I'm a transvestite. Edith Bunker : Could've fooled me. You ain't even got no accent. Mike Stivic : [Archie had saved the life of a female impersonator, unbeknownst to him] If you had known he was a man, what would you have done? Archie Bunker : I suppose I would've got a fag fireman. Archie Bunker : [Gloria sneezes on the phone] Don't be spraying into the phone there. You wanna give the three Jews the flu? Mike Stivic : You can't go to the hospital, you're sick. George Jefferson : Rich people never even see money. All they know is, "Charge it", "I'll sign for it", and "Sue me". Archie Bunker : I hate entertainment. Entertainment is a thing of the past, now we got television. [Mike is an atheist] Archie : Did you ever in your life tell somebody to go to Hell? Mike Stivic : Well... Archie : Don't give me any long stories, just answer me yes or no. Mike Stivic : Well, yes. Archie : So where did you want them to go, Disneyland? Louise Jefferson: [as soon as Bentley leaves] George, I believe you were right about this place after all. Imagine, an English neighbor. Harry Bentley: [Immediately popping back in] Good God, you're black. [Archie finds out the Jeffersons have bought the house next door] Edith : I think it's wonderful. Archie : Oh you'll think it's wonderful when the watermelon rinds come flying out the window. Mike Stivic : [Dialing the phone] What else? You only gave me six numbers. Gloria Stivic : No, I gave you seven numbers. Mike Stivic : One of those numbers was a sneeze. Do you see a sneeze on this dial?

Fred Bunker: [on the phone] Hello, sweetheart, how's my little pussycat? Harry Snowden: You know, you ought to try that. Archie Bunker : You think so? [on the phone with Edith] Archie Bunker : Hello, sweetheart, how's my little pussycat? [pause] Archie Bunker : She hung up the phone. Archie Bunker : Now along comes this colored cop, see, and he wants to take over the mouth-to-mouth, but I'm thinking fast. I say no, I send him for the ambulance, you know, because if you give a person the wrong breath type, you could kill that person. Archie Bunker : [Mike comes over, wearing his bath robe] Are you moving back in or you just coming to visit in your Polish tuxedo? Mike Stivic : You'd be surprised how many married guys with kids are transvestites. Archie Bunker : How is it you know so much about these things? Let me see your underwear. Edith Bunker : Mike is family. Archie Bunker : Gloria is family. What's standing behind me is an accident of marriage. Edith Bunker : Archie, you're home. Archie Bunker : [Sarcastically] No, Edith, I'm still at work. What you see before you is a pigment of your imagination. Mike Stivic : Arch, did you get Ma a gift? Archie Bunker : Certainly I got her a gift. She's my wife. What did I get her, little girl? Archie Bunker : You're supposed to be the big bug on the Constitution, right? Well the first amendment guarantees that baby the right to bear a machine gun? Mike Stivic : The first amendment guarantees free speech. Archie Bunker : Same thing, buddy boy. If you got a gun in your hand, you're free to make any speech you want to. Mike Stivic : Arch, you still need evidence. Archie Bunker : What are you talking about? Look at all they put me through: look at the way I hurt all over. What about the sworn "testaphony" of your mother in-law, there? That's evidence, Buddy, we got a case and let me tell you something, a case like that could be worth 20, 25, 50 grand. I'm gonna make them mushroom people put their mouth where their money is.

Archie Bunker : The bosses of that company ought to taste every mouthful of food before it leaves the factory. Mike Stivic : How are they going to do that? Archie Bunker : What do you mean how? Ain't you never heard of the olden days in the days of kings? The king used to have a special cook to taste the food. The cook dropped down dead, the king said, "See?" Then the king went back in the kitchen and made a sandwich for himself. Archie Bunker : How am I supposed to take that? Doctor: Intravenously. Archie Bunker : Oh good, I can take anything off a spoon. I can't stand shots. Doctor: You may have botulism. Archie Bunker : What are you talking about? Nobody ever went crazy from eating mushrooms. Doctor: Any lassitude? Archie Bunker : No, she never puts any of that in the stew, only mushrooms. Mike Stivic : Why are you so cruel to midgets? What have they ever done to you? Archie Bunker : Oh very little. Archie Bunker : That's a great picture there. That's one of the greatest pictures ever made. If I was the Japs, I would give that picture the Jap Academy Reward. Archie Bunker : Can you believe a family of midgets by the name of the Bambinis? Gloria Stivic : No. Archie Bunker : Sure. You couldn't tell the parents from the kids until the old man lit up a cigar. They was walking around here talking about lowering all the door knobs. Gloria Stivic : I hope you didn't say anything to hurt their feelings. Archie Bunker : No, I think anything I said went right over their heads. Edith Bunker : He's really a wonderful man, my husband, and underneath he's very sweet. Archie Bunker : Damn that Barney Hefner, I'm gonna murder him. Look what happened to me just now: I nearly busted an ankle jumping over two pyramids that Barney's dog left on our sidewalk. Archie Bunker : You gotta grab the bull by the corns. Louise Jefferson: Was it a timely death?

Archie Bunker : Yeah, around lunchtime. Blanche Hefner: Don't fight, Boys, try to be happy together. Archie Bunker, Barney Hefner: Ah, shut up. Archie Bunker : Wait, you can't escape me in the toilet. Hey, don't do nothing yet. If I was the last man on Earth and you was the last woman, I would go to bed with a bush. Edith Bunker : Remember Sister Kate, Archie? Archie Bunker : That was that dumb movie about nuns starring Ingrid Bernstein. Archie Bunker : I couldn't go to that thing even if I wanted to. We're supposed to be busy in here tonight. Harry Snowden: I can handle it. I think you should go to the school show. Archie Bunker : I hate school shows. I've hated school shows ever since I was this high. God, will I never forget. There was always some kid pounding a piano, and there was always some four-eyed sissy torturing a violin, a fat slob reciting "Trees", and then there was always the black kid singing, "My Yiddishe Mome". Archie Bunker : Edith, if you call me "Cute" one more time, I swear I'll open a vein. Edith Bunker : Maybe before I come to bed I should put on my socks. Archie Bunker : Maybe before you come to bed you should stick your feet in the oven. [Mike give his opinion to a friend after he first meets Gloria] Mike Stivic : She's a shrimp. And that hair. She looks like the warden pardoned her *after* he threw the switch. Mike Stivic : You eat my heart out. Little by little, bit by bit, you eat my heart out. Archie Bunker : I don't care. Archie Bunker : [commenting on a woman's perfume] It infiltrates the nosetrils. Archie Bunker : Edith, that was an order. Edith Bunker : I ain't taking no orders. I can be a Sunshine lady if I wanna be. And I wanna be. And I am. Archie Bunker : You are in trouble, Edith. You are in big trouble. Edith Bunker : No, you are. 'Cause I ain't getting your dinner on the table until you take back what you said. Archie Bunker : What I said goes. And you don't gotta get no

dinner for me 'cause I'm going down to Kelsey's. Edith Bunker : Oh no. You ain't gonna slam this door in my face 'cause this time it's gonna be your face AND I'M GONNA BE THE SLAMMER. Archie Bunker : You know the story about Noah's Ark there, don't you? You know how the animals come up the gangplank there and into the ark. They came in twos: the sames with the sames and the differents with the differents. The tiger come up with the tigeress, the lion, he came up with the lioness. The zebra, he come up with the zebraella and the elephant, he came up with the... Uh... What? Geez, I forget the term. You know, the point I'm trying to make is the elephant didn't come walking up there with a Polack. Archie Bunker : You don't trust nobody out there except your own kind. You remember that, Meathead. Mike Stivic : That's another thing. Meathead. Why must you always call me Meathead? Archie Bunker : What the hell... Why does that bother you? I'll bet I wasn't the first to call you 'Meathead'. Mike Stivic : You were the only one to ever call me Meathead. They never called me that in school. They called me Michael or Mike, or Mickey. Archie Bunker : Well, what a sweet little school you went to there. Mike: What did they call you in school? Archie : Different things. Mike: Tell me, what did they call you in school? Archie : Well, I remember one winter during the Depression when we didn't have any money because my father lost his job, we was all bust. And I wore out a shoe. One shoe. So I couldn't go to school with only one shoe. But my mother found a boot, so I had a shoe on one foot there and a boot on the other. A shoe and a boot. So the kids call me 'Shoebootie'. Mike Stivic : They used to call you 'Shoebootie', huh? [laughs] Archie : They used to holler, "Tutti fruitti, here comes Shoebootie." They called me that until they learned my name was Archibald and they thought that was funny. And then I wished they'd go back to 'Shoebootie'. Mike: The kids all made fun of you, huh? Archie : Yeah, they all made fun of me. Except for this one little black kid named Winston. Mike: A black kid liked you? Archie : No, the black kid beat the hell out of me. Mike: Why? He must have had a reason. Archie : Well he said that I said he was a "nigger". Mike: Did you?

Archie : Sure. That's what all them people were called in them days. Everybody we knew called them people niggers. It's all my old man called'em there. What the hell was I supposed to do? I didn't know what to call them. I couldn't call him a Wop. I couldn't call him Wop, 'cause Wop is what we called the Dagos. Mike Stivic : Good night, Shoebootie. Archie Bunker : Say there, Rosemarie. Stephanie : Stephanie. Archie Bunker : Whatever. Paul : Shalom. Edith Bunker : Shalom? What does that mean? Mike Stivic : Believe it or not, Ma, it means "peace". Gloria Stivic : Jewish people also use it to say "hello" and "good-bye". Edith Bunker : How do you tell if they mean "hello" or "good-bye"? Archie Bunker : Simple, Edith, If a Jew is walking towards you, it means "hello". If he's walkin' away, it means "goodbye". Edith Bunker : When does it mean "peace"? Archie Bunker : In between "hello" and "good-bye". Archie Bunker : [telling the story of Samson] He took a jawbone from the grass and slew the Palistine army. Archie Bunker : We was like two ships that clashed in the night. Archie Bunker : You'd better start mixing toothpaste with your shampoo. You're getting a cavity in your brain. Archie Bunker : And didn't I bring you coffee up to bed like I do every Christmas morning? Edith Bunker : Yeah, Archie. Archie Bunker : All right. That shows you I ain't down. You got to be up to remember to do a thing like that once a year. Archie Bunker : All over the world they celebrate the birth of that baby, and everybody gets time off from work. Now if that ain't proof that he's the Son of God, then nothing is. Archie Bunker : I wanna make sure I get my ten simoleons out of you when I win that bet. 'Cause your baby Linda ain't gonna win. She's too fat to win. In a few years time, she's gonna be a teenage bus. Barney Hefner: Well all I have to say is too bad it wasn't a baldy contest.

Archie Bunker : You hear that, he's always on the baldy thing over here. You're gonna lose an old friend that way, Barney. Mike Stivic : That's competition for you: two best friends ready to bust each other in the chops over who's got the most beautiful grandchild. Barney Hefner: Hey, you know what just occured to me about little Joey? I mean since he's got those long, beautiful eyelashes? You should've entered him as a baldy girl. Mike Stivic : Hey. Watch what you're saying, that's my son. Edith Bunker : [There's a fire in the house] And our family picture albums. Archie Bunker : If you find the album, Edith, throw it at the fire. If you really wanna risk your life for something, money. Top of the closet on the shelf there, is a my secret cigar box I never told you about with $108 in it. Edith Bunker : A hundred and nine. Archie Bunker : Wait a minute, we don't wanna know what happened there. Don't tell us what happened, we don't want to know. Tell him we don't give a damn what happened, right? Edith Bunker : Right. What happened, Mike? Mike Stivic : Gloria said I ruined her life. Archie Bunker : I told her the same thing seven years ago. Archie Bunker : Where the hell is going to sleep, with Teresa? Edith Bunker : No, Teresa can sleep in our bed. Archie Bunker : Up against you or up against me? Edith Bunker : Oh no, see, Archie, you'll sleep in Teresa's bed in Mike's old room and I'll ask Teresa to come and sleep with me in our bed in our room, and Mike will sleep on the cot in Teresa's room which used to be Mike's room where you'll be sleeping. See, you won't have to sleep up against nobody, see? Archie Bunker : If I could figure that one out, I'd be sleeping up against a straightjacket. Archie Bunker : He ain't been the same since he had that vassexomy. Mike Stivic : You were right, Honey, I am a meathead. Not only that, I'm a pompous ass. Archie Bunker : She ain't gonna saying nothing more because the smoke has given her an attack of, what do you call, laryngosis. Mike Stivic : Your spelling is atrocious. Gloria Stivic : Atrocious?

Mike Stivic : Yeah, can you spell that? Gloria Stivic : Atrocious. M-E-A-T-H-E-A-D. Atrocious. Gloria Stivic : Did you call Dr. Nelson? Edith Bunker : Yeah and he can't come, he says he don't feel well enough to make house calls. He says it sounds like both of you got the same thing, Gloria Stivic : Oh no, you mean Dr. Nelson is sick too? Well what did you tell him? Edith Bunker : I told him to take 2 aspirin and get plenty of rest. Archie Bunker : Just like that Ralph Nader, you're giving the whole country a pain in the butt. Mike Stivic : Arch, you ought to be grateful for Ralph Nader. Do you realize that before 1968 there were hardly any cars recalled for being defective? But in 1972 there were nearly eight million cars recalled? Archie Bunker : And do you realize that in 1974: who cares? Archie Bunker : Do you know how many brands of mushrooms are sold all over this here country? Edith Bunker : Oh, thousands. Archie Bunker : Alright, and how many cans do you think are bought? Edith Bunker : Millions. Archie Bunker : So what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans? What is it? 100 to one. Mike Stivic : What is that? The new math? Mike Stivic : Now take it easy, don't panic. Archie Bunker : Will you stay out of this? Now take it easy, don't panic. Mike Stivic : I think we should check the cans and see what brand they were. Archie Bunker : Why don't you stay out of this? Edith, we gotta check the cans and see what brand they were. Archie Bunker : Do you know the kind of money it takes to raise a child? You know, yanking out the tonsils and the adenoods. Straightening the teeth, straightening the eyes. Edith Bunker : Her eyes? Archie Bunker : All girls go cock-eyed during puberescency. [Door bell rings] Edith Bunker : [Running] I'll get it! Archie Bunker : Geez Louise Edith, why do you have to charge the door like a German shepherd every time the bell rings? Archie Bunker : God can do anything! He can turn your

jawbone into an ass! Teresa: Mr. Bunkers, could you turn down the sound please? Archie Bunker : You can't do that. You can't enjoy it unless you hear the victims screaming. Teresa: I don't mean the sounds from the TV, I mean the sounds from you. Archie Bunker : Oh, don't pay no attention to me, I always holler at the monster pictures there. Particularly this frog picture. I seen it 4 or 5 times. Teresa: The frog can't hear what you say. It's a fake frog. It's a fake lamp post, it's a fake building, it's a fake movie. Archie Bunker : You just spoiled my whole evening. Teresa: [Puerto Rican accent] Well you spoiled my study time. Archie Bunker : Well you, 'espoiled' my frog picture. Teresa: You making fun of my English? Archie Bunker : Everybody makes fun of your English. Kate Korman: And then say something like, because of your skill and alertness, a man walks the good Earth, breathing God's clean air. Archie Bunker : Not if he's walking around New York he ain't. Edith Bunker : Well, see, I figured that he was having a heart attack and I had some training in CPR that's Cardiopulminary Resessitation. It was on that TV show 60 Minutes once. Archie Bunker : We watch all of them high class, educational shows right through, no matter how exhausted we get. Edith Bunker : Archie was just trying to help. Kate Korman: Help? He's done nothing but get in the way. Archie Bunker : Say that again. Kate Korman: You are in the way! Archie Bunker : You didn't have to tell me twice. Archie Bunker : Alright, that's it. I'm in the way. I'll get the hell outta here, go down to Kelsey's. Oh no, no, I don't wanna stick around here with Wanda Kronkite over there. However, before I leave, I'll say one more thing: I would like to give you a little bit of technical advice that might help you in your career, lady. Kate Korman: And what's that? Archie Bunker : Zip up your fly. Archie Bunker : For old time's sake, if I went up to the bath tub and caught a thousand legger, would you eat it? Bummie Fensel: Archie, I was 11 years old. I don't do that

no more. Archie Bunker : Aw come on. Tell the truth, when was the last time you et a bug? Bummie Fensel: December 7, 1941. Archie Bunker : What kind was it? Bummie Fensel: A Japanese beetle. Gloria Stivic : No, no, no, don't you see, she expects me to wish her a happy birthday because it's something that I always do. But it's something you never do so she doesn't expect it from you. But if I don't say anything, when she expects me to say something because you don't want me to, then she's gonna know something is up because I haven't said anything when I should have. And if you say something, which I don't want you to do, when you're supposed to and you shouldn't have then Ma's gonna know something is up because you said something. Don't you see? Don't you understand? Archie Bunker : You get more like the old lady every day. Barney Hefner: I'm just on my way to the can. Archie Bunker : Hold it there, Barney! You come into my joint to use the can? Barny Hefner: I couldn't make it home from McFeeny's. I'm up to here in beer. Archie Bunker : Hold it, hold it there, Barney. So you take it on at McFeeny's and you let it out at Archie's. You're getting more like your dog Rusty every day. Barney Hefner: That is gross, Arch! Hanlon: Pills. We're living in a pill-oriented society. We try to dull our minds to find new thrills, to blot out the world of reality. Shameful. Archie Bunker : Yeah, well, I guess it is. What are you in the hospital for? Hanlon: I'm an alcoholic. Hanlon: You look too square to be a dope addict. Archie Bunker : Dope addict, geez I ain't that. I just took some medicine, that's all. You know, like how a doctor writes out a subscription there. Edith Bunker : Thank you for bringing over that portable TV. Mike Stivic : Is he watching it? Edith Bunker : Oh yeah, all day long. I just wish he'd turn it on. Mike Stivic : Don't worry about it, Ma, TV is better that way any way. Archie Bunker : I'm gonna give this to somebody else. [tries to take the doll away from Gloria and in the process pulls its head off] Gloria Stivic : Aah! Daddy! Well I can't give it to Joey

like this. Archie Bunker : Alright, maybe you can find some poor, deserving little kid who would like a 'decrapitated' pee-pee doll. Hooker: Hey there, chief, you want some fun? Archie Bunker : I don't like fun, I'm a maniac. Archie Bunker : [playing Monopoly] Mortgage some of your houses there or sell your property. Blanche Hefner: No, if I do that I'll lose money and I won't collect any rent. You know, he'd lend it to me if he wasn't so cheap. Barney Hefner: It's not a matter of cheap, it's against the rules of the game. Blanche Hefner: No, it's cause you're so cheap. After all, rules are made to be broken. Barney Hefner: Well, you ought to know. Archie Bunker : Didn't anybody try to warn you about Blanche before you got married to her? Barney Hefner: Yeah, a couple of people. But I didn't pay any attention to them. 'Cause I knew they didn't like her from the beginning. Archie Bunker : Who were they? Barney Hefner: Her mother and father. Judge: Archie Judge: Archie How do you plead? : Guilty with an explanation. What's the explanation? : I ain't guilty.

[Mike has just ran all the way home from a baseball game after thinking Gloria's going into labor] Mike: I was at the ballgame and the announcer said, "Paging Doctor Scipero," and I thought, "That's my wife. My doctor's gonna have a baby!" Archie Bunker : I used to know a whole flock of them coloreds in the old neighborhood. One went by the name of Roundtree Cummerbatch. Mike Stivic : You never knew anybody by that name. You made it up. Archie Bunker : I made up a name like Roundtree Cummerbatch? Mike Stivic : That's right, you made it up to put down a black man. Archie Bunker : Hit him below the belt, he's over the hill. Archie Bunker : You're gonna get Reagan in 1980, wise guy! Archie Bunker : [after finding out Gloria had an affair]

Meathead, I never thought I'd be saying this, but YOU'RE too good for HER! George Jefferson : [watching the Willises have an argument] See that, Weezie! That's what happens when you mix black and white! Watch, in another minute, he's gonna call her a nigger! Archie Bunker : Geez, I ain't used that word in ten years. Archie Bunker : God don't make no mistakes, that's how He got to be God. [Archie was interviewed regarding Richard Nixon] Archie Bunker : I told them how many people like me believe in President Nixon. God believes in him too. Mike Stivic : You said that on television? "God believes in Nixon"? Archie Bunker : Certainly. Billy Graham plays golf with him, don't he? Mike Stivic : What does that mean? Archie Bunker : That means God believes in Nixon. Mike Stivic : rules because Archie Bunker left. Mike Stivic : Wait a second, Arch. Are you saying that Nixon of divine right? : It's a damn sight better than your divine Gee, what other gems did you come up with?

Archie Bunker : I'm gonna turn this thing on and get it ready. [turns on the television set] Archie Bunker : Edith, what channel is Kronkite on? Edith Bunker : Channel 2, Archie. The one we don't watch 'cause you always say Walter Kronkite is a Communist. Archie Bunker : I never said that, Edith. The man ain't all red. Mike Stivic : We're going to see something you know nothing about: culture. [Shows him the art exhibit book] Archie Bunker : Oh ho ho, look at this. No wonder he's getting himself so excited, it's one of his own here: A Polack art exhibit. Mike Stivic : That's 'Pollock'. Jackson Pollock. He happens to be a great American artist. Archie Bunker : Well he sure paints Polish. Look at this: he splashes and smears the paint over everything here. What do you mean? A monkey could do that. A great American artist? There ain't a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book. Mike Stivic : I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.

Archie Bunker pier? Mike Stivic : long walk off Archie Bunker

: Why don't you go take a short walk on a long Ha, you can't even get that right! It's take a a short pier. : Then do that.

Edith Bunker : I think he's right, Archie. Like, you haven't said the word "Coon" in almost a year. Archie Bunker : What are you talking about? I say it everyday. Mike Stivic : You haven't said it in front of us. Archie Bunker : Alright then: Coon! Coon! Coon! You wanted it, you got it. Archie Bunker : You're a regular Edgar Allen Polack. Archie Bunker : Don't go blaming nothing on God that youse women brung on yourselves. Gloria Stivic : What? Archie Bunker : Yes, that's right. You don't believe me, read your Bible. Read the story about Adam and Eve there. Adam and Eve, they had it pretty soft out in paradise. They had no problems, they didn't even know they was naked. But Eve, she wasn't satisfied with all that, see? And one day against a direct order, she made poor Adam eat that apple. God got sore. He told them, "Get your clothes on and get the hell out of here". Edith : What has four legs, and flys? Archie Bunker : Two pairs of pants! Mike Stivic : You can't do that, Archie! That's largesse! Archie Bunker : I don't care if it's largesse, smallesse or any kind of esse! [Edith discovers that Archie has been seeing another woman] Edith Bunker : I don't want to be a Bunker. Archie Bunker : If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him. [Archie is apologising for seeing another woman] Archie Bunker : You got to believe me Edith, nothing was ever constipated. [Archie and Edith are planning Mike Stivic : You know it just is black. Archie Bunker : Aww get out of has no race. He stands for all a trip to Disney World] occurred to me - Mickey Mouse here with that! Mickey Mouse men.

Archie Bunker : [after cautioning Edith profusely not to mention Sammy Davis Jr.'s glass eye] Now Mr. Davis, do you

take cream and sugar in your eye? Archie Bunker : [at an art exhibit] Looks like half man, half toilet. Edith Bunker : [Archie's in the bathroom] Archie! When are ya comin' out? Archie Bunker : Why, ya sellin' the house? Edith Bunker : You've been in there for 20 minutes. Archie Bunker : Who are you? The official time-keeper? Edith Bunker : What are ya doin' in there? Archie Bunker : I'm changing the tile. One more word out of ya and I ain't never comin' out! Edith Bunker : Don't ya like me bringin' home surprises? Archie Bunker : Geez, Edith... with you a surprise could be anything from a runaway horse to a Puerto Rican. Mike Stivic : Archie, if there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world? Archie Bunker : If there is a God how come there's so much unhappiness in the world? Uh... uh... hey, Edith... If there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world? Mr. Bradford : How would you describe Mr. Grundy's drinking habits? Archie Bunker : He seldom buys. Mike Stivic : That's what's wrong with this country; nobody asks questions any more! Archie Bunker : Can I ask *you* a question? Mike Stivic : Sure. Archie Bunker : Why don't you shut up? Gloria : Oh, Daddy. You'd put ketchup on a doughnut. Archie Bunker : If it needed it. Mike Stivic : [Edith is going through menopause] What did the doctor say? Archie Bunker : He just said that menopause is a pretty tough time to be going through; especially for nervous types. Mike Stivic : So? Archie Bunker : So he prescribed these here pills. [takes bottle of pills out of paper bag] Mike Stivic : Oh, good. Archie Bunker : I gotta take three of 'em a day. Archie Bunker : Now don't go telling Lionel! He'll get on his tom-tom and alert all the other jungle bunnies.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic : Daddy, swearing is a sign of a weak mind. Archie Bunker : Ah, shut the hell up. Archie Bunker : [Edith has been to see Father Majeski, and Archie is afraid that he made her a Catholic without her knowing it] Think carefully now, Edith. Did he splash any water on you? Edith Bunker : No. Archie Bunker : Did he give you any beads to play with? Edith Bunker : No. Archie Bunker : Did he make you eat a cookie?