Professional Documents
Culture Documents
A new and interesting take on The Book of Matthew and The Book of Acts By Rev. Juan Galloway
The Street Bible was made possible by New York City Relief board member Daniel Benson, COO, American Senior Communities, Indianapolis, IN and his wife Karen.
INTRODUCTION
This book is not for the faint of heart, so brace yourself before you read it. What a tragedy that we would sometimes have a few moments alone reading the Bible that we could only classify as boring, and not too meaningful. Here is the most amazing book in the world with all the answers to life, love and peace - and sometimes we find it dull! Weve all had this disappointing experience at one time or another. There is a saying that familiarity breeds contempt. The more familiar we are with something, the more we tend to think Oh yeah, I remember that. Big deal. La dee dah. Been there, seen that, done that, bought the t-shirt, let's move on. With the Bible, we need to come back again and again. We need to dig out the multitude of truth and wisdom that we still haven't completely gotten, and more importantly, that we haven't completely applied to our everyday lives. This new take on the Book of Matthew and the Book of Acts may help you rethink the Word and re-digest it, so that you get meaning from it that you can apply now. That's the whole point, isnt it? Many of us can quote quite a few verses that haven' t seem to have made a change in the way we talk, act and live. Whatever happens, we can never allow this superbook, this vast incredible storehouse of love, wisdom and power to become just more religious rhetoric. Some of the words, phrasing and terminology that I have used might be offensive to some people, because it doesnt sound very dignified or seem like it gives the Word of God honor. The more I worked on this book, the more I discovered that so much of what Jesus said was in extreme terms, yet it became so familiar in repeated reading that it didnt pack the same punch as when He actually said it. If this book makes you a little uncomfortable and makes you look back to the King James, NIV, NARS or whatever version, to see if that's what it really says, Ill be ecstatic. You may not agree with every modern day analogy I substituted for Jesus' analogy. But, if it will make you think and force you to interpret, or maybe re-interpret, the Word of God then that's good enough for me. If you seek Him, youll find Him.
THE MAKING OF
Imagine sitting down and rewriting scripture in your own words, verse by verse, off and on for four years, and then you can imagine what a job it was for me to write The Street Bible. This book is over 52,000 words long! I grew so much in God's Word while creating this project and I gained a much deeper understanding of the books of Matthew and Acts as I studied
MATTS BOOK
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THE FAMILY TREE
This is a super long list of Jesus relatives. They were a very interesting bunch. They were multi-ethnic, courageous and even scandalous. They were a lot like our families. Abraham was Isaacs dad; Isaac was Jacobs dad; Jacob was Judahs and his brothers dad; Judah was Perez's and Zerahs dad - their moms name was Tamar (Tamar was Judahs sons wife. Judah slept with his daughter-in-law. Yuck!); Perez was Hezrons dad; Hezron was Rams dad; Ram was Amminadabs dad (say that really fast three times!); Amminadab was Nahshons dad; Nahshon was Salmons dad; Salmon was Boazs dad; Boazs moms name was Rahab (Rahab was once a hooker!); Boaz was Obeds dad, Obeds moms name was Ruth (Ruth originally came from an evil society that practiced human sacrifice!); Obed was Jesses dad; Jesse was King Daves dad; King Dave was Solomons (the wise guy) dad, Solomons moms name was Bathsheba (King Dave did a peeping tom routine and saw
Bathsheba taking a bath. As a result, he slept with her, even though she was already married. He got her pregnant and then had Bathshebas husband murdered to cover up what he had done!); Solomon was Rehoboams dad; Rehoboam was Abijahs dad; Abijah was Asas dad; Asa was Jehoshaphats dad; Jehoshaphat was Jehorams dad; Jehoram was Uzziahs dad; Uzziah was Jothams dad; Jotham was Ahazs dad; Ahaz was Hezekiahs dad; Hezekiah was Manassehs dad; Manasseh was Amons dad; Amon was Josiahs dad; Josiah was Jeconiah and his brothers dad when they were all stuck in Babylon. After they got out of Babylon: Jeconiah was Shealtiels dad; Shealtiel was Zerubbabels dad; Zerubbabel was Abiuds dad; Abiud was Eliakims dad; Eliakim was Azors dad; Azor was Zadoks dad; Zadok was Akims dad; Akim was Eliuds dad; Eliud was Eleazars dad; Eleazar was Matthans dad; Matthan was Jacobs dad; Jacob was Joes dad; Joe married a girl named Mary. Mary had a famous baby named Jesus whom this whole book is about.
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STAR-EYED
While Jesus was still a newborn, some men on a quest came to Jerusalem. They went to Herod, a real control freak who was pretty much a powerstarved- lunatic of a dictator. They didnt know this however, so these men told Herod, "We are on a quest for a Jewish kid that is so cool, hes going to be the new king in town. We have come to see this little miracle man for ourselves and have been following a star to lead us to the superstar. Where is he, man?" Kind Herod went ballistic over the situation and everybody in town started to freak out too, because they knew trouble must be coming. You see, Herod had a reputation for doing violent things when he lost his temper. Herod called together all the grand, high religious muckety-mucks and told them to spill the beans on where this Jewish kid would be born. They must have been in on the take or terrified, because they gave him the skinny real quick. They quoted some famous prediction from the Old Testament that said, "Bethlehem, youre not just a hole in the wall town. You will be known as the birthplace of the greatest hero the world has ever known." Herod, the weasel, tried to be sneaky and trick these naive, but
Back in the day, there was a guy who hung out in the desert named Crazy Johnny. Crazy Johnny told everybody the same thing, "You are a sick puppy and your life is messed up, so admit this to yourself and God so that you can start turning your life around before its too late." He was kind of blunt that way. Isaiah, a guy who was a major mouthpiece for God, once said,
Crazy Johnnys cousin, Jesus, showed up and said, Dunk me, cuz. Johnny was mortified and said, No, Im not worthy! Dunk me! Jesus said, There is a time and a place for everything. This is my time." Crazy Johnny dunked Jesus and when Jesus stood up there was this incredible display of special effects. The sky exploded and this bird flew down and landed on Jesus shoulders. Then they heard this blast of audio from out of nowhere say, "Jesus, I love you and I am really proud of you."
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DESERT SLUGFEST
The Holy Spirit told Jesus to go to the desert so the biggest loser of all time, the devil, could go a couple of rounds with him. This was no weekend vacation. Jesus didnt eat for over a month. You would think this would soften him up a little for
JESUS SPEAKS UP
When Jesus found out his cousin, Crazy Johnny, was doing time in the local penitentiary, He went back to Galilee. He left Nazareth and moved to some lake front property in Capernaum. Isaiah, the mouthpiece, said, "Folks out by Galilee are really in the dark. They are shooting themselves in their feet by making decisions so bad that they are ruining their lives. Now someone is going to pull off their blinders and they will finally be able to see. The cavalry is coming to save the day." After Crazy Johnny was put behind
Jesus was walking on the beach one day and saw some brothers named Simon and Andy who were fishing. Jesus made them an offer they couldnt refuse, "Quit the family business and come work for me. Youve been reeling in fish just to put them in somebodys frying pan. How about being real entrepreneurs and helping me catch the big game, the people who are living around here, before they wind up in the big frying pan." Simon and Andy looked at each other and didnt have to think twice. They never smelled like fish again. All three continued on the beach stroll until Jesus saw two more blue collar brothers, Jimmy and Johnny, working the manual fish factory with their dad. Jesus made them the same offer. He didnt have to twist their arms either. Suddenly, their dad was two men short. Jesus became a circuit preacher and traveled with his boys all over Galilee. He spoke at all the neighborhood churches and told all of his Jewish compadres what they
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LONG COOL SPEECH
Jesus saw the huge turnout and decided to get a spot where everyone could see him. He sat down on the side of a mountain and his boys got the front row seats. He shared a great message: God is taking care of people that are bankrupt in spirit by giving them the kingdom of Heaven. God is taking care of those who are grieving by putting his loving arms around them and holding them. God is taking care of those who are gentle and kind by giving them the earth itself. God is taking care of people who crave and desire Gods ways more
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You are a spicy meatball. You give this bland world some flavor, Gods flavor. When people taste your life,
Dont think for a minute that I am here to throw out the Old Testament. No way, Im here to put that book into action. Everything written in that book is true and it will be obvious to everyone. Anyone who blows the Old Testament off and tells people it doesnt matter anymore is a loser. Whoever learns from the Old Testament and shows other people what they have learned, is a winner. Dont even think about acting like these religious leaders who are self- righteous hypocrites. You have to get down off your high horse to make it into Heaven.
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BREAKING UP
The Old Testament says that if a person is going to get divorced, that person needs to go through the proper procedures and fulfill all the legal requirements. There is more to it than just paperwork however. Unless your spouse is sleeping around, you cant just kick them out. If you get divorced and that person marries someone else, than all three of you are breaking the original marriage commitment and youll be the one responsible.
PROMISES, PROMISES
MENTAL SEX
You know that in the Old Testament it says 'No ringy, no thingy or 'Dont do it with anyone you arent married to. What Im saying is that if you start drooling over some chick and undressing her with your eyes, youve already had sex with her in your mind and youre just as
Additionally, the Old Testament says that if you make God a promise, you had better keep it. Thats pretty serious, so dont be making big promises to people and tagging Gods name on it to try and impress people with your sincerity. Just do what you say you are going to do. Be straightforward and honest. The Old Testament says that if someone does you wrong, than you can get them back just as bad as
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HARDCORE LOVE
Since the Old Testament says to love your friends, you figured it natural on the other hand to hate those who harass you and give you a bad time. What you need to do is love these turkeys and ask God to help them. When you do this, youre acting like your Dad does, your Heavenly Dad. Its easy to be nice to people who treat you right. Big deal, anybody can do that. Dont expect to get any brownie points in Heaven for falling off a log. Even Nazis were friendly and kind to their fellow Nazis. Be hardcore like God and love the unlovable.
PRAY REAL
BE REAL
Make sure when youre helping people that youre not just doing it to impress others with how spiritual you are. That Look at me! attitude doesnt impress God at all. Dont expect any credit for selfish motivations. If you want to help someone, dont put on a dog and pony show like the religious phonies do. They love to
Dont be like the religious phonies when you talk to God either. They love to use big words they looked up in the dictionary to sound smart, be the center of attention and feel important. Believe me, thats all these fatheads are going to get out of the experience. If you want to talk to God, then spend some intimate time alone with him. Hell not only listen, Hell answer those prayers. If youre going to talk to God, forget all the stupid chanting and mindless repetition. Share your heart! He knows what youre going to say before you say it anyway. Heres a neat format for talking to God: Dad, youre the greatest. Turn this rotten world around to your ways. Please help me out with this months grocery bill. Dont give me what I deserve for all the bad stuff Ive said and done to the same degree that I cut slack to the people who said and did bad stuff to me.
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CHILL
UNDERCOVER HUNGER
If you decide to go without eating as a way of getting closer to God, dont walk around holding your stomach, groaning and saying Sorry I cant eat, IM BEING REALLY SPIRITUAL AND HUMBLE TODAY! CANT YOU TELL? Thats what the religious phonies do and all they get out of it is a Big Mac attack. If you are going without food to get closer to God, act normal and keep it to yourself. God sees what youre doing, and Hell feed your spirit what it really craves- more of him.
Stop being obsessed with finances and pulling your hair out over your bills. Dont give yourself an ulcer, trust God instead. Dont fool yourself, being responsible and worrying are two separate things altogether. God isnt broke and He knows that the rent is almost due, so relax. Let the world have nervous breakdowns without you. Put your focus in life on living for God everywhere you go and in everything you do. Hell take care of all the details like car payments, the rent and your college tuition. You have plenty to do today without freaking out about all the terrible things that could happen tomorrow.
GREED SHMEED
Dont waste your life stockpiling material possessions. That stuff wears out, breaks, goes out of style or somebody rips it off. You really cant buy happiness, you know. Stockpile goodies in Heaven instead, because they will never wear out, break, go out of style or get ripped off. What do you spend all your time thinking about? Thats who the real you is. Whats dancing in your eyes? Dollar signs? Are you always looking for what you can get yourself next? Is your eye on
Dont try to analyze and pick people apart to find all their faults and imperfections, or youll get the same treatment. Why are you so busy trying to point out tiny imperfections like the crusty stuff in the corner of someones eye when you have a jumbo jet stuck in your own eye? How about working on that airliner
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DAD IS THERE
Ask God for help and you will get it period. Hes just waiting on the sidelines expectantly, and is ready to come in and score to win the game. If junior asks you for some Cheerios, would you give him a bowl of gravel from the driveway? If he asks you for some fish sticks, would you go out in the woods and get him some real sticks? Even a crummy parent knows how to get their kid a bowl of cereal and a couple of fish sticks. Your Heavenly Dad can top that easily, so turn to him for whatever you need. Let me give you the Readers Digest condensed version of the Old Testament: Treat people with love and respect, the way you would like to be treated. Dont take the easy way out in life. Its not that easy and it doesnt work out that well in the end. Its easy to do whats wrong and tap dance your way to hell. Its difficult to go against the grain of society
Look out for all the wacky cult leaders. Theyll act like sweet little Christians so that they can control you and take all your money. Look at those who joined them. Are they healthy, productive people or whacked out nut cases with no connection with reality? They might speak Christianese and quote Bible verses, but that doesnt mean they know me at all. Not everybody who believes I exist and uses religious terms to address me will go to Heaven. Religion is no substitute for a relationship with God. A lot of people are going to get the shock of their lives when they die. Theyll say God, I was a heavy hitter at church and everyone was impressed with my spirituality. I preached a fiery message, beat up demons all the time and even did some amazing healings. Im going to tell them straight up: None of that stuff impresses me at all. You just cared about yourself, not about what I wanted. After ignoring me all these years, now you want to act like youre my best friend? Give me a break. Get out of my face, you jerk.
DOCTOR J
When Jesus split, everybody stayed hot on his tail. A guy with a really bad skin condition got down on his knees in front of Jesus and said, "Boss, if you wanted to, I know you could heal my diseased skin." Jesus broke a few religious rules by reaching out and touching the guys icky skin. He said, "I want to heal you. Clear up!" The guys skin cleared up right away and he was probably so excited he wanted to bounce off the walls right then, but Jesus said, "Shhhhh, keep it quiet. Go and get an official check-up and give props to God the way you
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THE WANNABES
Jesus felt smothered and decided to ditch the crowds for awhile. Before He could do that, a religious suit came up and said, Ill commit to going with you anywhere and everywhere to do great and glorious exploits. Sign me up! Jesus said, You dont even know what youre signing up for. Even a rat has a hole to live in. I dont even have that. Im homeless. This is not going to be a walk in the park, buddy. Another wannabe follower said, Let me go to my pops funeral first. Jesus said, Dont worry about your dad, his job is done. Its time for you to do your job now.
SWINE STAMPEDE
When the cruise was over and they got to the other side, called the Gadarenes area, the welcome wagon was there waiting, which consisted of two demon-controlled psychos known for terrorizing anyone passing through. The demons screamed What are you going to do to us? Are you going to hurt us before our eternal torture session on the final judgment day? There was a whole pack of hogs chowing down nearby. The demons begged, "If youre going to kick us out of these bodies, at least let us possess the pigs." Jesus said, Get
SEASICK
Finally Jesus and his boys jumped in a boat to cross the lake and get some much needed rest. After awhile, they got caught right in the
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After Jesus left, He walked by a tax collection booth. The tax collectors were known for overcharging and lining their own pockets with the loot. This particular tax collectors name was Matt. Jesus said, Come hang out with me, so Matt did. They went to grab some grub with the boys at Matts house with Matts motley crew of extortionist pals. The religious phonies jumped on the boys' backs and started nagging again: Why is your boss barbecuing with thieves and thugs? Jesus overheard them and said, Bald people dont need haircuts. The people with hair do. Some people have had disgusting stuff stuck in their hair for years like parasites, bugs, mold and disease. Listen, Ive come to give the world a free haircut, not make them pay through the nose. I dont want to preach to the choir. I love to help the folks that most people think are scum. Crazy Johnnys posse came by to interrogate Jesus a little. They asked, How come us and the local religious suits are knocking ourselves out trying to get close to God by going without food, and
Knowing when He wasnt wanted, Jesus jumped back in the boat and went home. A couple of guys came over carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. Jesus saw that they really believed He was the real deal. He told the paraplegic, "Cheer up, right now I remove all the wrong things you have ever done and your slate is clean before God and all creation." The religious phonies heard this and starting choking at the statement, Who, who, who does Jesus think He is?! God?! Jesus said, Dont have a cow. Get over yourselves already. You think Im all talk, but so you know there is more to it, check this out. Stand up, take your stretcher and walk home on your own." Thats just what the guy did! Everybodys jaws just dropped to the floor and they
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Dont hook up a car battery to a horse and buggy or youll electrocute your horse and ruin your battery. Your power source needs a new vehicle. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So far, doing things the old traditional way hasnt worked that well. Im going to do some new things Gods way that are outside of the traditional box and will actually work. Its time to stop beating a dead horse. Let me breathe new life into that horse so it will win the big race instead of ending up as Elmers glue. The Holy Spirit has all the horsepower youll ever need.
HEALAPALOOZA
While Jesus was still talking, a local bigwig got down on his knees and literally begged for help, saying, Im at the end of my rope, Jesus. My little girl just died and only you have the power to reverse death! Jesus started to leave with his boys to help the kid. All of a sudden some desperate woman snuck up behind Jesus and touched his coat without him seeing. She had some serious female
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Jesus called his 12 boys together and officially licensed them to beat up demons and cure any illness. There was Simon (aka Pete), his bro Andy, Jimmy, son of Zeb, his bro Johnny, Phil, Bart, Tom, Matt, Jimmy, son of Alph, Thad, Simon and Judas, who ended up stabbing Jesus in the back. Jesus detailed out a certain mission for the boys: "I want you to target our people, the Jews, right now. Nobody else. Tell them 'Gods close, closer than you think. Then walk this talk by making sick people better, bringing corpses back to life, clearing up revolting skin conditions and serving knuckle sandwiches to demons. Dont take any extra cash or even an overnight bag on this trip. The people youre helping will provide room and board. Upon arrival, find the best egg you can and be their house guest until your departure date. If the family is cool, than chill with them and youll all have a good time. If theyre not being cool, then take your good time somewhere else. If people dont want you around and
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GOOD LESSON OVER A FREE LUNCH
One day Jesus was walking through some crops with his boys and the boys started chewing on some of the grain. The religious phonies saw them and said, Holy cow! Your boys are breaking some of the rules we made up!" (Gods rules said not to chop down all the crops on a Sunday. Chewing seeds is hardly chopping down all the crops.) Jesus said, Dont you know what Big Dave did when he and his boys were hungry? They went to church and scarfed down the special bread that only religious officials were allowed to eat. Havent you ever read the part in the Bible about how religious officials in church on Sunday taint that special day, but God doesnt hold it against them. Someone more important than a religious building is here. I wish youd get my drift when I say 'I want you to cut people slack and show them love more than I want
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IMMORTAL COMBAT
Another guy being terrorized by a demon inside of him was brought to Jesus. The demon had stolen his sight and his voice. Jesus took care of him right away and suddenly the guy could see and talk. Folks were stunned at this miracle and said, "Could this be Big Daves boy? The One who will save us all?" The religious phonies heard people say that and tried to smear Jesus name again. They said that the devil made him do it, that he is in cahoots with Satan and thats how he can beat up demons all the time. Jesus read their minds and responded, If members on a team make plays for their opponent, the team will fall apart and lose the game. If an army shoots their own soldiers, chaos will reign and they
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THRILL SEEKERS
Some religious phonies came to Jesus and said, Hey, we want to watch you do one of those cool miracles. Jesus said, Only a thrill-seeking, pleasure-driven, self-centered group of people want to see a miracle instead of having a relationship with me. The only thing they will get to see is the miracle that the mouthpiece named Jonah foreshadowed. He camped out in the belly of a gigantic monster fish for three days, but Im going to top that by spending three days taking care of business in hell. The people
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MI FAMILIA
While Jesus was still chatting, his mom, Mary, and his bros were hanging around outside waiting to get a word with him. Someone said, Your familys outside and I think they want to talk. Jesus said, Who really is my
A little later that same day, Jesus went to sit by the lake and enjoy the view. Being such a celebrity, the crowds caught up with him once again, and He jumped into a boat to speak to everyone on shore using the water to reflect the sound of his voice like a natural p.a. system. Then He told them a story that contained a spiritual meaning. He did this all the time. He said, Once upon a time, there was a farmer who went out to plant. He wasnt picky about where he planted. He threw seeds all over the place. Some fell on the sidewalk and pigeons ate it up. Some seeds fell on the gravel driveway where there wasnt much dirt and the seeds sprouted up quick. The roots couldnt go very deep, however, and the plants turned brown and died. Some seeds fell into patches of weeds that killed the developing plants. Finally, some seed fell on rich, fertile soil and grew a lot of good stuff. Were talking thirty, sixty and even a hundred percent back on the investment. Listen up people, this is important. The boys were puzzled and asked, Whats up with all the seeds, birds
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SABOTAGE
Jesus told another story. Gods ways are like a farmer who planted some good seeds in the dirt. While he was snoozing, some competitor snuck in and planted weeds with his wheat and snuck back out. The wheat sprouted, but then so did the weeds. The employees of the farmer told the boss, 'Hey, didnt you plant good seed? Where did all these weeds come from? 'My competitor must have done this, he said. The employees asked, 'Should we try to go and pull up all the weeds, or what? He said, 'Nah, youll probably pull
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LITTLE IS BIG
He shared another story. He said, Gods ways are like an itsy bitsy teeny tiny seed that a farmer planted out in the field. Even though its almost microscopic in size, it ends up growing into this great big plant and then turns into a tree. Its so sturdy and full that all the birds come and use it for shelter and protection from storms. That little seed made a big difference. He told another story. Gods ways are like a cook who was making a nice loaf of bread. She put together some flour and just a little bit of yeast and kneaded it all through the dough. It only takes a little yeast to make the whole loaf rise up. Jesus told them all this stuff in stories with secret meanings. He didnt say squat to them without using one of these cool stories. A mouthpiece for God predicted this: If my mouth opens, I guarantee you Ill be telling some good stories. Im gonna talk about secret stuff no one has ever known since the world began.
BURIED TREASURE
Gods ways are like buried treasure. A guy was digging on private property and found some buried treasure. He slyly buried it again to hide it for later. He ecstatically sold everything he owned, and bought the property with the treasure in it.
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NETWORK 7
Gods ways are like a big net that was tossed into a lake and pulled in a real variety of fish. When the net was nice and full, the fishermen dragged it up onto the beach. Then they separated the tasty trout from the bony barracuda. They kept the good stuff and threw the gross fish away. At judgment day the angels will separate those who live for God from those who dont care about Gods ways at all. The rebellious crowd gets tossed into the cooker, where they will cry out in blood curdling anguish forever. Do you get it?" Jesus asked. Yeah", they admitted. Jesus said, Everyone who knows the Word and teaches it is like a collector of amazing and intriguing items, both old and new. He or she loves to share them and explain their function and history to their guests delight.
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THE AXE
King Herod heard the word on the street about Jesus messages and miracles. He told him employees, "Its Crazy Johnny come back to life! Thats why he has all these amazing powers." Herod had thrown Crazy Johnny in the clink, because he was publicly criticizing him and his wife Herodias. Herod tied the knot with his own brothers wife, and Crazy Johnny told everyone that this was perverted and against the laws of God and nature. Herod wanted to whack Johnny, but he chickened out because of Johnnys popularity. People considered C.J. to be a mouthpiece for God. Herod had a birthday party, and his stepdaughter/niece provided the entertainment by doing some wild
NO RESPECT
After Jesus told these stories, He split. He went to his hometown and started sharing more gripping truths and fascinating facts about
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After Jesus got the bad news, He went off in a boat to get some much needed personal time. Once again people got word He was nearby and walked to meet him from miles around. As soon as Jesus stepped off the boat, there was a bunch of folks already there waiting for him. His heart went out to them, and He healed all who were suffering from sickness. It started getting late and Jesus boys advised, Were out in the middle of nowhere and it will be dark soon. Lets break up now so everybody can start walking back to town to buy dinner.
Jesus told his boys to jump in the boat and make a quick getaway while He said the goodbyes. After the last stragglers departed, He finally got away by himself and spent some time talking to God on a secluded mountainside. He was still up there well after dark and at the same time his boys were pretty far out on the lake getting bounced around in the boat by a windstorm, and the waves were pounding the poop deck. When it was really late, Jesus
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Some religious phonies came all the way from Jerusalem to ask Jesus an important question: Why dont your boys wash their hands before supper like we do? Jesus said, Youve got to be kidding. You provide loopholes for people to get out of caring for their parents who sacrificed and slaved to bring them up right. You have created religious rules that make a mockery of Gods command that says, 'Show the utmost respect and allegiance to your mom and dad. Instead, you allow your congregation to pay lip service to their parents by spouting religious rhetoric about giving their care to God instead. Thats ridiculous and ungodly. Isaiah, the mouthpiece for God, had it straight when he said,
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Jesus left and went to an area called Tyre and Sidon. A Canaanite lady from there came to Jesus pleading, Help me please! Youre the descendant of Big Dave and weve heard of you. Have mercy on me! My daughter is being tortured by a demon thats living inside of her." Jesus had his lip zipped. His boys told him, Jesus, tell her to hit the road. Shes getting on our nerves with all her begging and pleading. He said, Im only here to get the message out to my people, the Jews. The woman got down on her hands and knees and was really persistent, Chief, you must help me! He retorted, I cant take away the kiddies peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and give it to their pets. Youre right Chief, but even the kids slip their food to Rover under the dinner table.
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FISH FRY
Jesus decided to make like a tree and leave. He went down to the shore by the Sea of Galilee. Then he went hiking up a mountain there and kicked back for awhile. Here came the masses with every cripple, every blind person, those who couldnt talk and every kind of sickness you can imagine. They just laid them all on the ground at Jesus feet as if to say, 'We need you bad.' He cured them all because He was that kind of guy. This really took peoples breath away when they saw these intense miracles, and they gave the credit to the God of the Jews. Jesus gets him boys in a huddle and says, I really feel for these people. They have been so hungry for my words and my teaching for the past three days that they have neglected their bodys hunger. They need to eat now. If they dont they might pass out trying to walk home. The boys said, Where in the world are we going to get enough groceries to feed this many people?
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CLIMATE CONTROL
The religious flakes, I mean leaders, came to Jesus to ask him to show them some kind of incredible vision or supernatural occurrence to prove that He was spiritual like they were. Oh boy. He had an answer for them all right: You can tell when a storm is coming by looking at the sky or watching satellite images on the weather report. You understand that. What you dont understand is that there is a spiritual climate as
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SECRET IDENTITY
Jesus was touring through Caesarea Philippi and asked the boys, Who do people think I am? They said, Some think youre Crazy Johnny, some say Elijah, Jeremiah or one of Gods other mouthpieces. What about you guys? Jesus asked. Pete blurted out, Youre the Ultimate Hero, the One whos going to save us all! Youre Gods kid, the real deal!" Jesus responded, Bingo, Pete. You dont know how fortunate you are to really understand that. Only God could have allowed you to get a hold of that truth. Pete, Im gonna call you The Rock because you might be a loose cannon now, but watch out buddy. You are going to be so solid and so strong a leader, that you will build up my army and hell wont stand a chance against you. Im going to give you my authority that has power up in Heaven and certainly down here on earth, so that you can get the job done." Then He told the boys to keep the secret to themselves, about him being the Ultimate Hero.
They took a cruise across the lake again and the boys forgot lunch. Jesus said Look out for the fungi used to make bread rise that the religious phonies use. The boys huddled up and brain stormed on what in the world Jesus was talking about. They decided: He must be ticked off because we forgot lunch. Jesus knew what they were saying and said, You guys have lunch on the brain. Dont you get it? Remember the gigantic picnics we catered together? Please dont tell me you think Im worried about what were going to eat for lunch. Listen again and think for a change. Look out for the fungi used to make bread rise that the religious phonies use." They got it then, that Jesus was not talking about bread ingredients, but about all the lies and rules that the religious phonies were so anal about. These little lies had been causing a lot of big
After that, Jesus started to lay out the master plan for his boys and
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POW-WOW OF POWER
Six days later Jesus took Pete, Jim and Johnny and they hiked up a big mountain together. While they were up there, Jesus lit up like a roman candle. His face was shining like a billion watt bulb and his clothes were glowing bright too. Right after that, who should show up but Moses and Elijah, guys who had been big-time mouthpieces for God way back in the day. They chatted with Jesus. This was so wild and surreal that the boys didnt know what to do. Pete, never the bashful one, said, Wow, now this is cool! You want me to stake out some tents for you, Moses and Elijah, so we can all camp out together? While Pete was still babbling, a huge glowing cloud dropped on top of all of them. They heard a voice in the cloud say, This here is my kid. I love him and I think Hes the best. Pay attention to what He says, you guys! This got the boys' attention. They fell on their faces like they were pins knocked down by a bowling ball. They almost peed in their pants, they were so scared. Jesus
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DEMON KILLAH
After they came down, there was a crowd as usual, and this guy fell down at Jesus feet. Chief, cut my son some slack. Hes an epileptic and has terrible seizures. Hes always falling into the fireplace and burning, or into the water and drowning. I asked your boys for help, but they were no help at all, he said. How much longer do I have to put
Jesus and the boys show up in Capernaum and the local extortionists (the tax collectors) asked Pete, Doesnt your boss pay his dues? Sure He does, Pete said. Pete came in the house and Jesus said right away, Who do bigwigs squeeze money out of? Their kids or the riff raff? The riff raff, Pete answered. The kids get a free ride then, dont
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COOL POINTS
The boys came to Jesus and asked, Who is going to be the top cat, toast of the town when they get to Heaven? Jesus called a little kid over for a minute and said, Im not gonna lie to you, unless you learn how to be like this kid here, youre not even getting into Heaven, Mr. Hot Stuff. Whoever doesnt bother with trying to be cool, and instead puts other people first like this kid is going to end up the coolest cat in Heaven. If youre nice to a kid like this, youre being nice to me. If you take some little kid who is in love with me and lead them down the wrong path, youre toast, buddy. It would be better for you to wear cement shoes and sleep with the fishes, than to do that. Geez, this world is so messed up, because of all the sick and twisted things people do! This stuff will happen no matter what, but the person who chooses to promote this filth will pay! If you cant control your bad habits then remove that area from your life
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NO FINGER POINTING
Gods system is made clear in this story that Jesus told: There once was a president of a major corporation who decided it was high time that his employees pay back all the loans he had made
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MAWWAGE
When Jesus was done jabbing the jaw, He got out of Galilee and headed for Judea on the other side of the Jordan River. He was like the pied piper with everyone following him again and He cured everybodys health problems. The religious phonies showed up again like clockwork to try and push Jesus buttons. They asked him, Is it okay with God if a guy ditches his wife and serves her with divorce papers, because shes a bad cook, he wants a new honey or any other reason? Check out the Old Testament. It says back when God was making stuff He 'made a guy and a girl.
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Parents brought their little kids to Jesus, so He could place his hand on them and ask God to look out for them. Jesus boys told these families to take a hike and stop bugging them. Jesus heard them and said, Leave those kids alone! Dont try to keep them away, escort them right in. Little kids like these are closer to God than most anybody.." After He finished up with all the kids, He left.
This guy came up to Jesus and asked, What kind of good deed can I do to secure a spot in Heaven? Jesus answered, You dont need to do something good, you need to know the Ultimate Good. If you want to go to Heaven, do what the Old Testament says. Which part?, the guy asks. Jesus answers, You know, dont snuff out anyone, dont do it with anybody but your wife, dont rip anybody off, dont lie about anyone, be cool to your mom and dad and treat people like you would want to
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DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEES
Gods ways are like an owner of a fast food restaurant. He was short on help, so he got up early and interviewed some teenagers for the job. He hired some on the spot and promised that if they flipped burgers all day hed pay them fifty bucks. Later that morning he hired some more people to make fries.
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GAME PLAN
While Jesus was hoofing it to Jerusalem, He huddled up with the boys and said, Once we hit town, Im gonna be sold out by the religious phonies. They are going to put me on death row, get the authorities to diss me publicly, beat me bloody and nail my hands and feet to some wooden beams where I will die a slow, excruciating death. Heres the good part: After three days, Im coming back to life. Yeeha!
POLE POSITION
FOUR EYES
The mom of Jim and Johnny (Zebs sons) came to Jesus to ask a favor. She said, I want you to give my boys special positions in Heaven and let them sit right next to you in the seat of power. Jesus replied, Hold on a minute, this is big stuff youre talking about. Can you two guys walk through the kind of hardship that I am about to endure? Yes, we can, they said. Jesus explained, Its true, you will suffer like me, but I cant give you these positions of power. My Heavenly Dad has those spots
Jesus and his boys were departing from Jericho and a mob trailed behind him. Two blind guys were sitting in the dirt on the side of the road and started yelling at the top of their lungs, Chief, Big Daves Son! Please cut us some slack! The mob told them to shut up, but these guys were tenacious: Preacher! Miracle Man, help us! Jesus stopped in his tracks and asked, What do yous guys want? We just want to see again, they replied. Jesus heart broke upon seeing
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HERO'S WELCOME
They gang was traveling to Jerusalem and made a pit stop at Bethpage on Olive Mountain. The J-man decided to send a couple of the boys on an errand. He told them, Get on up to the next hood where you will find a mama donkey tied up next to her colt. I want you to untie them and bring them back. If anyone wants to know wassup, just tell them that the Chief needs to borrow them to take a ride. The guys will be cool and trust you to borrow the donkeys. This happened to validate what Zechariah, the mouthpiece for God, said: Tell the girl from Gods town, Hey, your Chief is coming Hes playing it real cool though Hes riding in on a simple donkey, actually a young colt. Of course, the boys did what Jesus told them to and everything worked out. They brought back the funky transportation and since there was no saddle, they put their coats on the donkeys back for Jesus to sit on. A lot of people showed up and rolled out the red carpet for Jesus
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TREE KILLAH
Jesus was up at the crack of dawn one day and He was walking into town this time. He got a bad case of the munchies, and saw a possible snack opportunity in a fig tree on the side of the road. When He got up close He found that the fig tree had no figs on it. He yelled at the tree and said, Youll never make fig newtons again! The second He said that, the tree died right in front of the boys eyes. The branches all dropped down and the leaves just curled up and fell off. They saw this happen and couldnt believe their eyes. They said, How did that tree die so fast? That was freaky! Jesus answered, Look, if you guys will have confidence in God, you can do more than kill a tree by yelling at it. You can tell a mountain to jump in the ocean and it will happen. If you will just trust me, you will get whatever you ask God for. Jesus went over to The Jewish Church again and started to tell people the real deal about God. The religious phonies who were in charge came and asked, Who put you in charge, Mister Know-It-All? Did you get permission from someone to teach people here?
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HOSTILE TAKEOVER
Try this other little tale on for size: There once was a grape farmer who planted all of his crops. He built a nice farm, developed the property, put in a high tech security system and bought all the latest equipment to do the job right. He rented out the farm to some sharecroppers and did some traveling. When harvest time came, he sent a couple of employees on his staff over to collect the rent. These sharecropper thugs jumped his employees, beat one up, murdered another and ran over
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THE PARTY IS ON
Jesus didnt let up with the pointed stories. He said, Gods way of doing things is like a mayor who was planning a huge wedding party for his son and new bride. He sent out some chauffeured limos to pick up all the guests who were invited, but they would not come. Then he sent out some other employees to explain the situation to the guests. He said, 'Inform the guests that I have an incredible banquet prepared by some of the finest chefs in the world. Ive laid
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A TAXING SITUATION
The religious phonies known as Pharisees schemed up some ways to catch Jesus saying the wrong thing, and get him into hot water. They sent out their minions and some other critics of Jesus ministry. They said, Teach, youre an honest guy. Youve always been a straight shooter and right on the money when it comes to explaining Gods ways. We know that that you dont try to kiss up to people and dont water down anything to please people. Give us your read on this situation: Should we pay our taxes or what? Jesus was no dope. He knew what they were up to. He said, You twofaced tricksters, why are you trying to get me busted? Ill answer your loaded question. Show me some of the money that you would normally pay taxes with. They gave him a bill with a picture of Caesar, the Roman ruler on it. He asked, Whose picture is this on here? Thats Caesar, they answered. He said, If its Caesars than give it to Caesar. Just give God whatever
Later that same day the Sadducees (more religious phonies that dont believe anyone will be raised from the dead) came to ask Jesus some more tricky questions. Teach, Moses said in the Old Testament that if a guy dies and doesnt have any kids, his brother has to marry his widow and have kids for him to carry on the family name. Lets say there were seven brothers. The first one got hitched, died and had no kids. The brother married this lady and then he died. Each brother did the same thing and they all ended up six feet underground. Finally, the widow dies, too. When they are all raised from the dead, who will be her husband out of all those brothers? You have some goofed up ideas, because you dont know the Bible or Gods life changing power personally. When Gods people are raised from the dead, nobody is going to be married anymore. That phase is past. Theyre going to have roles more like the angels in Heaven; everyone will be servants of God. But now that you bring up people being raised from the dead,
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TAG TEAM
After hearing Jesus shut up the Sadducees, the Pharisees decided to tag team with them and jump into the ring to give it a go. One of them who was considered to be a real Bible expert asked, What is the most important thing God told us to do in the Bible? Jesus answered: Love God with everything that is in you, your heart, mind and soul. Thats the most important thing. The next most important thing is similar: 'Love people by treating them as good as you would treat yourself. All the things God has ever said are based upon these two instructions He gave us. Jesus turned the tables and asked them a couple questions, Whats your opinion on the One God is
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Jesus turned to the crowd and his boys and said, These Bible teachers and Pharisees have been given authority by God, just like He gave authority to Moses. You have to listen to what they tell you, and obey everything that they teach from the Bible. However, you shouldnt imitate these teachers, because they are two-faced hypocrites and dont obey the Bible themselves. They weigh people down with every kind of rule
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HEADS UP
Jesus skeedaddled from The Jewish Church after He finished blasting the religious phonies, and his boys stopped him on his way out to chit chat about how cool the buildings were there. See this stuff? Its all going to end up as rubble and I dont mean Barney Rubble, Jesus said. Jesus was kicking back on Olive Mountain and his boys came to ask some secret questions. They asked, Pssst, when is The Jewish Church scheduled for demolition and how can we tell when you will be coming back to settle the score? Jesus replied, Dont let anyone pull the wool over your eyes. There are going to be a lot of counterfeit heroes who will claim that they will save the world, because are they are the only ones with the answers. Theyll get a lot of people to
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Now that you know this, watch out, because you dont know when Im coming back to take care of business. Hey, if a homeowner knew what time burglars were going to come and rip him off, hed stay up and keep guard to protect his home. You better be ready at the drop of a hat, because Ill come right when you least expect it.
When this stuff is happening, Gods plan will play out like this: Imagine there were ten girls that were really excited, because on this special night they were getting to meet a famous celebrity. Five of the girls were airheads and five were smart cookies. The only conditions of getting to go out with this well known personality, was that they had to bring flashlights. The airheads brought flashlights, but no
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Heres another good illustration: Picture if you will, a produce dealer who got all his young employees together to hand out some responsibilities, because he was going out of town. One young guy he trusted with fifty ripe lemons, to a young lady he gave twenty lemons and to another young guy he gave one lemon according to each ones experience, training and how they had proven themselves in the past. Then the boss left town. The guy with fifty lemons went and made some killer lemon meringue pies. He sold them all and made enough cash to buy one hundred more lemons. The chick with twenty lemons made some really delicious lemonade and set up a lemonade stand. She sold so many cups of lemonade that she made enough dough to buy forty more lemons. The guy with one lemon didnt bother to do anything. He just stuck his lemon in the fridge. The boss was gone for quite a while. When he got back, he brought in all the employees to settle up. The guy with the original fifty lemons brought back a hundred. He said, 'Boss, I doubled your produce.
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When I come back demonstrating my power and I bring my angels with me Im going to take over control from my seat of power. The whole world will be brought before me, and I will separate the acceptable from the unacceptable, just like when you sort through the fruit in the produce aisle to find the good stuff. The good stuff Ill put on my right, the stinky stuff will go on my left. Speaking from my authority as king of the universe, Ill tell the folks on the right, 'You paid your dues and now its time to get your reward that I have been planning on giving you before the earth was even created. You did a great job living for me. When I was starving, you bought me lunch. I was parched and you gave me some iced tea. You didnt know me from Adam, but you treated me like your best friend. I needed some decent clothes and you got me a new wardrobe. I was puking my guts out and you nursed me back to health. I was locked up in the pen and you came on visiting day to see me.
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Jesus was hanging out in a town called Bethany at Simons house, a guy known for previously having a revolting and highly contagious skin condition. While Jesus was kicking back, some lady walked in with some outrageously expensive perfume, and poured all of it on his head. This was an extremely extravagant show of honor and affection. The boys got all huffy, This is just too much. She blew a fortune on a temporary gift just for you, when she could have sold the perfume and helped quite a lot of people who are down and out. Jesus responded, Why are you giving her such a hard time? What she has done is a wonderfully gracious act of love and I am deeply touched. Youre always going to have people who are flat broke and struggling, but you wont always have me hanging out with
EXTRAVAGANT LOVE
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CONSPIRACY
When Jesus finished with this mouthful, He told the boys, Weve got Passover (a very important
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One of the twelve boys, Judas Iscariot, snuck off to the religious leaders to sell out Jesus. He asked, 'How much will you pay me if I hand over my boss?' They gave him twenty-one dollars and sixty cents. After the payoff, Judas kept his eyes peeled for the perfect moment to have Jesus nabbed.
HOLIDAY DINNER
It was the first day of the Feast of Flat Bread when the boys asked Jesus, Where do you want to have the upcoming Passover holiday dinner? Jesus replied, Go into town, find a certain guy and tell him this, 'The Teach says: Its almost showtime and Im coming over to have holiday supper with my boys at your crib. The boys did what He told them to and got everything ready. That night, Jesus was kicking back with the boys and right in the middle of supper He dropped this bomb, "One of you guys is going to stab me in the back."
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He was still saying this when Judas showed up. He had a gang of thugs the religious phonies had organized with him that were armed to the teeth with swords and clubs. Judas
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KANGAROO COURT
The gang took Jesus to Caiaphas, the religious big cheese. All his cronies were waiting there with him to help railroad Jesus. Pete tailed the gang from a comfortable distance and the trail led right to the big cheeses front yard. Pete hung out with some of the security team out front to see what was going to happen. All the religious leaders were trying really hard to frame Jesus, so they could give him the death penalty. A bunch of liars came and told their fairy tales, but nobody could make their accusations stick. They finally got two stories that agreed. Two different guys said, We overheard Jesus saying, 'I can demolish The Jewish Church, and reconstruct it in only three days. The big cheese head minister, asked Jesus, What do you have to say for yourself? Arent you going to put up a defense? Jesus didnt say a word. Then the big cheese said, By the powers invested in me, I command you to answer the question: Are you the One who will save the world? Are you Gods Son? Jesus responded, You said it, and youre right on the money. One day youll see me sitting right next to my Dad, and youll also see me make a grand entrance to earth by bursting through the clouds and appearing in the sky.
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PETE BLOWS IT
Pete didnt know what was going on inside. He was sitting in the yard when a girl said, You used to hang out with Jesus. Pete replied, Youre crazy. I dont know where you got that nutty idea. He walked over to stand by the gate and another chick was over there. She told the people standing around, This guy was part of Jesus crew. Pete said, Get off it! I dont know the guy! A little while after that, the people in the yard came up and said, We can tell youre one of his friends, because you guys have the same accent. Pete started cussing and said, Look people, read my lips, I dont know
In the wee hours of the morning, all the religious leaders made the final decision to give Jesus the death penalty. They threw the cuffs on him and dragged him over to the local authorities. In this case, that meant the Roman ruler in charge of their town, named Pilate. He was the governor. When Judas saw what happened to Jesus as a result of his betrayal, he freaked out. He gave back the twenty-one dollars and sixty cents that he had taken as a payoff from the religious leaders. He confessed, I messed up bad, because I framed someone who was totally innocent of any crime. Who cares? they said. Thats your problem, not ours. Judas threw the money down on the floor of the church and took off. He
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JUSTICE IS BLIND
Jesus had to go to trial where the judge presiding over the court was the governor, Pilate. Judge Pilate asked, Are you the head honcho of the Jews? Yes, I am, Jesus responded. The religious fiends made all kinds of accusations and brought their trumped up charges against Jesus, but He refused to respond to any of them. Judge Pilate questioned him, Dont you hear what they are saying? Arent you going to respond to these charges? Jesus clammed up and said nothing, which really shocked the judge. It was a custom in the justice system in Jerusalem for the
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DARKNESS DESCENDS
DEATH GAMES
Jesus was taken out and surrounded by an entire company of Roman soldiers. The cruel soldiers decided to have a little fun with him. They stripped him naked and put a fancy red robe on him. Then they made a crown out of long thorns and shoved it on his head. They put a stick in his hand and mockingly knelt down on the ground saying, Hail to the Chief of the Jews! They spit on him in disgust and took the stick out of his hand which they used to club him in the head savagely and repeatedly. After they were done with this sick sadistic game, they took off the fancy clothes, and put his old clothes back on. Then they dragged Jesus off to murder him.
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At twelve o clock noon until three oclock the sky got dark, like it was nighttime. At three o clock Jesus yelled as loud as He could, God, God, how could you turn your back on me?! Some of the onlookers heard him and said, I think Hes talking to Elijah, the famous mouthpiece for God. One of them ran to get a sponge, which he filled with wine and put on a stick to offer Jesus a drink. The other folks said, Cut it out. Lets see if Elijah shows up to get him out this predicament. Jesus yelled one more time and then He left his body. At that exact moment, the giant fabric partition in The Jewish Church that separated the
A GOOD JOE
A guy named Joe, who loved and believed in Jesus teaching came in the early evening. He was from a town called Arimathea and was very well off financially. He came to Pilate and asked for Jesus corpse. Pilate gave Joe the go ahead to take charge of the body. Joe wrapped up Jesus body in a large piece of fabric and placed it in his personal tomb that had been chiseled out of a rock like a cave. He had a large boulder placed in the entrance of the tomb to plug it up, and left. Mary Magdalene and the other Mary sat outside the tomb and mourned. The following day the religious leaders made a trip to see Pilate. The told him, Governor, Jesus told
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STRATEGIC DISINFORMATION
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HE'S BAAAAAAAAACK
Early Sunday morning, Mary Magdalene and Mary went to visit Jesus tomb. When they arrived, there was a big earthquake that was high on the Richter scale. An angel flew down out of the sky, rolled the boulder out of the doorway to the tomb, and sat on top of it. This angel was glowing with incredibly bright light, and even his clothes were extremely white. The security team saw this and were terrified of the angel. They were shaking all over and then passed out. The angel told the women, Dont be scared of me. I know that you came here for Jesus who was executed the other day. He flew the coop. Hes left his tomb behind, because Hes
The women left to tell the boys, and the guards ran into town to report to the religious suits what had happened. These schemers came up with yet another plan. They bribed the security team to lie and tell everyone that the boys were grave robbers, and made off with the body while they were snoozing. They even said that they would put in a good word to the governor, so they didnt get in trouble for sleeping on the job. The security team took the bribe and told the lies, which are still going around today.
All eleven boys went to rendezvous with Jesus at a mountain in Galilee that He told them about previously. When they saw Jesus, they poured out their hearts to him, told him how much they loved him and complimented him on how wonderful He was. Some of the boys, however, were skeptical and thought this was too good to be true. He had some important information and instructions to pass on. He said, Im in charge of everything in the
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WE HAVE LIFT OFF!
Hi Theo, In my last letter, I told you about all the wild things Jesus did and taught everybody before He beamed up to Heaven. Of course, He didnt split until after He relayed marching orders to his crew from the Holy Spirit. After Jesus was ambushed, beaten down and murdered, He kept dropping by to see His boys unexpectedly to verify that He was alive and kicking. They were amazed each time that He could take a licking and keep on ticking. For over a month He would pop in from the spirit world and give them a hot new lesson on Gods master plan and the perfect system for life. During one of these pow-wows while they were chowing down, Jesus gave the boys strict orders: Remember the special delivery Ive told you so much about? Its almost D-day so just chill until it comes and dont leave town without it. Crazy Johnny dunked people in H20, but in a couple of days you will get immersed in the ultimate power and pure presence of the Holy Spirit. While they were hanging out, the boys asked Jesus, Chief, is this when you are going to stage a coup
and take back our country, the nation of Israel, by force? He retorted, Thats none of your bees wax, so mind your own business. Your business is this: Once you get supercharged by the Holy Spirit, your mission is to tell people in town, throughout the country, and all over the world about who I really am. Right after He said this He blasted off like a rocket into the sky until all the guys could see were clouds. The boys were standing there gawking into the sky with their eyes bugged out when two dudes decked out in white getups were all of a sudden standing right next to them. The two guys said, Why are you still standing here staring into space? Just like Jesus launched off to his headquarters in Heaven, Hell come back again and his re-entry will look the same. Youll know when the eagle has landed.
The boys walked three-quarters of a mile back to town from Olive Mountain. They went straight to a second story room that they were sharing. Pete, Johnny, Jim, Andy, Phil, Tom, Bart, Matt, Alphs son Jim, Simon the Fanatic and Jims son Jude were all there together. They were doing a twenty-four hour prayer session with some ladies, Jesus mom and his brothers, too. All in all, there were about a hundred and twenty hardcore Christians there. Pete stood up to
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H-BOMB ON D-DAY
It was the end of the seventh week and fiftieth day of the year that marked the day of the annual Harvest Festival and all the folks who still loved Jesus came together to celebrate. During the party everyone heard what sounded like a massive tornado or hurricane right there in the house. They glanced around and amazingly it looked like everyones head was on fire, except no one was getting burned. Absolutely everyone in the crowd was infused with the power and presence of the Holy Spirit and miraculously began to speak fluently in foreign languages that they had never learned. Because of the holiday, the town was packed with out-of-towners from all over the world. It was like a practicing Jew convention had come to town because every hotel in town was booked solid. Because of the huge ruckus at the house, everyone within earshot came running to see what was going down. A big crowd
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Pete stood up and began to explain what was happening as loud as he could so everyone could hear: Ladies and gentlemen! Jews from abroad and next door, if you will give me your attention I think I can clarify whats going on and answer all of your questions. These folks havent been shooting up or smoking rocks. Its only nine a.m.!
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After this, all the new recruits got serious about their new found way of life. They ate up any lessons and insight they could get from Jesus boys, they hung out with other Christians as often as they could especially for dinner parties, and they started talking to God all the time to draw as close as possible to him. This flipped out the local community and they flipped out even more when Jesus boys constantly did amazing supernatural acts right in front of their eyes. All these folks living for God linked arms and shared everything they owned with their new found family . They would even pawn their family heirlooms just to help a friend out. They literally tried to hook up with each other every
One day Pete and Johnny headed over to The Jewish Worship Center for a specially scheduled chat with God session at three p.m. A handicapped guy was being lugged over to one of the entrances to the Worship Center called Gorgeous Gate so he could get a good spot to panhandle. He saw Pete and Johnny and hit them up for some pocket change. Pete and Johnny both stopped in their tracks. Pete said, Look me in the eye. The man got excited thinking he was going to get a hefty handout. Pete said, I am totally strapped for cash, but Ill give you everything I do have. By the authority of Jesus the Ultimate Hero, start walking. He gave him a hand up off the ground and sure enough the guys legs start working right away. This ex-cripple was jumping around hooping and hollering making quite
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SACRED COW TIPPING
The Jewish religious leaders and their head of security were in the crowd and heard everything Pete and John were teaching the people. These bigwigs were really ticked off at Jesus boys telling everyone that He had come back to life. It made them look like punks for leading the attack. They nabbed Pete and Johnny, snapped on the cuffs and threw them in jail overnight to cool them off. This didnt seem to dissuade the crowd at all, because five thousand of them believed every word Pete and Johnny said and chose Jesus as their Hero. All the religious big shots got together the next day in Jerusalem to deal with this problem. Annas the top minister came with some of his relatives. Caiphas, John, and Alex all showed up too. They brought Pete and Johnny into the interrogation room and put them under the hot lights to grill them for information. Who gave you the right to come and meddle about in our jurisdiction and how in the world did you pull off that stunt? Instantly Pete got a power boost from the presence of the Holy Spirit and knew just what to say: Leaders from the Jewish community and
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When Pete and Johnny were let go they went back and filled in their peeps on everything that went down. After the report, the folks responded by talking to God together. They said, Chief, You are second to none. You crafted the sky, shaped the land and created the oceans and all the plant and wildlife in them. Inspired by the Holy Spirit, your worker and our spiritual Dad, Big Dave said, 'What is the point to the countries who are in such violent opposition and their people who constantly scheme? The presidents, commanders and dictators of the world join forces to oppose the One God has chosen and empowered the Ultimate Hero." A clear example of this is when Governor Herod and Judge Pilate recently teamed up with the Jewish community there and the people of many other nationalities to railroad Jesus, your perfect representative that you handpicked and empowered. Little did they know that in carrying out their evil plot that they were accomplishing exactly what you had planned all along. Chief, you saw how they tried to shut us down. Please give us the ability to get the word out confidently, without fear and share
BOOM!
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TWO DOWN
As a result of these wild experiences and the new power they got from God, all of the new Christians became one big happy family. They stopped being selfish and gladly shared their stuff with each other. With incredible strength and conviction, Jesus crew kept telling everyone the tale of how He had died and come back to life. No one had to go without because they all took care of each other. Now and then some of the Christians would sell some real estate or an investment property, than give all the cash they made to Jesus boys to distribute to those who were down and out or unemployed. A nice Jewish guy named Joe, who the boys called Barney the Optimist, sold an empty lot and donated the proceeds to the boys to help out the
A married couple named Antwon and Saphire saw how impressive people looked when they gave these charitable donations, so they figured to get in on the action. What they were missing was the right motivation. They sold a piece of property they owned and secretly pocketed some of the profit they made. Then they gave what was left to the Christian leadership as if it were the total amount. When Antwon gave it to Pete he didnt receive the public pat on the back that he expected. Pete looked him in the eye and said, Antwon, why are you serving the devil and telling a boldfaced lie to the Holy Spirit? He knows you kept some of the cash from the sale of your property. Nobody twisted your arm and forced you to give any money at all. You could have kept all the money with no problem. You dont know who youre messing with. Youre not disrespecting me by lying through your teeth, youre dissing God to his face! Youve made a mockery of his love for the poor! As soon, as the words came out of Petes mouth, Antwon keeled over without anyone laying a hand on him. He was dead as a doornail. Everyone who heard what happened was terrified by the turn
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Jesus crew was actively moving in the supernatural every day. Peoples lives were being radically changed when they witnessed these incredible feats God was doing through these men of God. All the Christians would meet and hang out
This pushed the Jewish religious leaders over the edge. They were so green with envy that they had Jesus boys picked up off the street and thrown behind bars. They didnt have to stew long because that same night God sent an agent from the spirit world to bust them out of jail. The angel said, 'Beat it over to the courtyard of The Jewish Worship Center and get back to work. These folks still need to hear the truth about going beyond dry religious practices to experiencing
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THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN
Back in the day when new followers of Jesus were coming out of the woodwork, there were some folks who had some serious issues with the Christian feeding program that had been started to take care of widows. One ethnic group, the Greek Jews, were feeling ostracized and mistreated by the Hebraic Jews. They felt that they were being treated like second class citizens because the Greek Jewish widows werent getting their daily fair share from the Christian food pantry. The racial tension had to be dealt with: Jesus twelve boys called a meeting of all the new Christians to make a proposal. They said, Were stretched pretty thin in our ministry duties right now. If we get any deeper into managing the food pantry well run out of the time and energy we need to teach people about God. Why dont you put your heads together and come up with the names of seven guys who are on fire for God and sharp as tacks, too. They can take over running this vital ministry to the poor so it can be done right. That will also free us up to do our jobs right, because we want to pour our lives into talking to and listening to God and then showing people what the Bible says, explaining how to live it every day. The crowd was pleased as punch over this brilliant idea. They picked
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CROSSHAIRS ON STEVE
At this time, Steve, one of the leaders of the feeding program was moving in the power of God. This table waiter was being used by God to perform supernatural acts that were incredible. The guy was a real mover and shaker. Like every minister, Steve had his critics too. There were some members of a local Jewish training center ironically called Set Free Fellowship. They were actually Jews from Cyrene, Alexandria, Cilicia and Asia that werent free at all. Basically they confronted Steve and tried to disprove his message. Steve knew his stuff and the Holy Spirit infused his words with so much strength that these bound up guys were stuck on the losing end of the debate. These same guys took the low road and started spreading rumors to tear down Steves ministry. They
The top dog religious leaders asked: Steve what do you have to say for yourself? Steve replied: "Everybody listen up here! The stupendous all-powerful God dropped in on Old Abe when he was residing in Mesopotamia, before he relocated to Haran. God told him to, 'Hit the road Jack, Ive got a new assignment for you in new territory. Old Abe picked up and left the land of the Chaldeans
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When the crowd heard this they turned into an angry mob. They put
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SCATTERD FEW
Steves death triggered off more attacks against followers of Jesus all over Jerusalem. Except for the top Christian leaders, all the Christians skipped town and headed to points all over Judea and Samaria. Steves good friends held a funeral service to honor and remember their fallen brother. At the same time, Saul stepped up the assault against the new Jesus movement. He actually went door to door arresting every Christian he could find and tossing them into jail. The Christians who had taken flight were spreading the word about new life through Jesus everywhere they landed. Phil was doing some street preaching in a city in Samaria. After
In Samaria there was a well known master of black magic named Simon who mesmerized people with his occultic powers. He was a real self promoter and had all the Samaritans so impressed that they were eating out of the palm of his hand. His fans were so devoted that they said, This is the ultimate magic man, super Simon is a god! They were thoroughly Simonized , because of the many stunning and spectacular feats he had performed. After folks heard Phil speak about Gods wonderful plan for their lives and how much Jesus loved them, both men and women were dunked in water to show that they were serious about choosing this new found faith. Even Simon was blown away by what he heard and was dunked along with everyone else. The former superstar became one of Phils biggest fans and was overwhelmed by the spiritual power he displayed and the supernatural acts taking place right
POWERMONEYMAGICMAN
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God sent one of his messengers from the spirit world to give Phil an assignment. He said, Head south to the old country dirt road that connects Jerusalem and Gaza. Phil headed out and on his way he saw an important foreign government official cruising by in a chariot being driven by his personal chauffer. It was the treasurer of the queen of Ethiopia, a man that worked so closely with the queen that he was castrated to insure her physical safety from any sexual attack. This top bookkeeper was a converted Jew returning from a religious pilgrimage to Jerusalem where he had been expressing love and devotion to God in the Hebrew tradition. He was very devoted in his faith and in fact was doing a study on the book of Isaiah while bumping down the road. The Holy Spirit spoke to Phil and said, Book it over to that chariot. Phil ran over and overheard this guy reading aloud from the book of Gods mouthpiece, Isaiah. Phil asked, Does that book make sense to you? Are you getting the gist of it? The African
MINISTRYMOBILE
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SWITCHING SIDES
During this same time Saul, also known as Paul, was viciously threatening to whack anyone who followed Jesus. He got permission from the top Jewish minister to hunt down Christians in the city of Damascus, arrest them and bring them back as criminals to be punished in Jerusalem. He even had legal papers drawn up giving him jurisdiction there and open warrants to lock up anyone he deemed a religious threat. Saul set off on his witch-hunt to Damascus, but just as he was about to enter the city limits a blindingly bright light blazed down from the sky and he was caught like a deer in the headlights. He collapsed in terror and heard a voice say, Saul, wassup with you? Why are you making me your enemy and fighting against me so ruthlessly? What have I done to you to deserve this kind of treatment? Saul timidly asked, Who, who are
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DAMASCUS DAYS
Saul an appointment with Jesus boys, the top Christian leaders and explained Sauls miraculous conversion. He detailed out an account of Sauls encounter with Jesus and the subsequent ministry he had launched into as a result. They gave Saul a place to stay with them and he fearlessly told people about Jesus all over Jerusalem. He even witnessed to the Grecian Jews and debated the authenticity of Jesus role as Gods man of the hour. They didnt appreciate Sauls point of view, however, and attempted to take him out. His Christian friends found out about this and got him down to Caesarea and bought him a ticket to Tarsus. Pleasantly, after this, Christians all over Judea, Galilee and Samaria were left alone for awhile. The groups of followers of Jesus became more established and felt the Holy Spirit in their daily lives. This led to even more people committing their lives to Jesus and living for him with all their hearts. Pete was touring about the country and decided to pay a visit to the Christians in Lydda. While he was in Lydda he met a man named Aeneas who had been a paraplegic for the last eight years. Pete spoke clearly and boldly, Aeneas, Jesus is healing you right now! Jump up now and walk and dont forget your bedroll. Aeneas was instantly healed and everyone in Lydda and Sharon saw what had happened to him. They all
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SHE'S NO DORCAS
In the town of Joppa there was a cool Christian lady name Tabitha (Unfortunately, when you translate her name it embarrassingly becomes Dorcas). She was known for being the nicest person in town. She was always willing to lend a helping hand, especially to poor folks. Now poor Tabitha got really sick and died. Her corpse was prepared by morticians for burial. Now Lydda was just one town over from Joppa, so when Tabithas Christian friends heard that Pete was nearby they sent a couple guys over to get him. They pleaded with him, Please come quick, weve got a real emergency on our hands! Pete went right away to help and when he got there they took him to the body. All the poor widow women stood around Pete bawling, because they loved her so much. They showed him all the beautiful dresses Tabitha had sewn for them when she was alive. Pete asked for a moment alone with Tabitha. After the women left he got down on his knees and talked to God a little. He looked at the lifeless body and said, Tabitha, wake up. Tabitha blinked a few times, saw Pete and sat up in bed! He helped her to stand and called for all her friends to come back in the room.
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COMMANDER CORNY
In the town of Caesarea there was a Roman military man named Corny. He was an officer in a division of the armed forces called the Italian Stallions. He and his kin were sold out to God and they put him first in their lives. He was the kind of guy that was quick to help out anyone in need and spent lots of time talking with God. One afternoon, about three p.m. God gave him supernatural insight and he saw the image of an agent of God from the spirit world. The being said, Corny! Cornys eyes were bugged out and he clamored, Yes Sir, what do you need, Sir? The being responded, God has really been touched and pleased by your heart of giving to poor folks and always making time to talk to him. Send a couple of your employees over to Joppa to get a guy named Simon, AKA Pete. Petes staying with another Simon who is a leather manufacturer living over on the shore. The visitor from another world split
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BEASTLY DREAMS
The next day, around noontime, the three men were getting close to Joppa. Simultaneously, Pete went up on the roof to spend some quality time talking with God. Since it was lunchtime, someone was downstairs making lunch. While Pete was up on the roof with his stomach grumbling, he had a wild experience. He went into a kind of spiritual dream state and saw the sky open up. Down came a big tarp with ropes connected to each corner. In the tarp was a variety of wildlife, mammals, reptiles and birds. Pete heard a voice say, Pete, these critters are for your lunch. Kill em and grill em. Chief, surely you jest! Pete exclaimed. This livestock is clearly prohibited for consumption in the Old Testament. Ive never broken those rules and I dont want to start now. He heard the voice again, Who made the rules? If I say youre allowed to eat it, then its edible. This whole routine played out two more times and then the tarp disappeared back into the sky. Pete was scratching his head trying to figure out what this all meant
CORNY'S CRIB
Corny was eagerly waiting for them back at home and invited over all his extended family and good friends to be a part of what God was doing. When Pete walked through the door, Cornelius greeted him and then threw himself on the floor to
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RACIAL CONTROVERSY
Jesus key men and other Christians around Judea heard through the grapevine that non-Jews were becoming Christians too. When Pete came back to Jerusalem, he had a pack of critics to deal with. The male Christians there had all had the ends of their penises chopped off according to Jewish religious
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REVIVAL TOWN
When Stephen got whacked, Christians scattered like ants into surrounding towns and cities because they were running for their lives from religious persecution and were considered fugitives. They escaped to towns as far out as
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The night before he was scheduled to appear in this kangaroo court, Pete was snoozing in jail. He was chained between two armed guards, while two more armed guards stood night watch at the security checkpoint located at the entrance. Out of nowhere an agent of God from the spirit realm shows up and along with him a brilliant light illuminates Petes entire cell. This special agent gives Pete, who is totally crashed out at this time, a
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MANHUNT
It was during these events that King Herod tried to derail this new
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TAG TEAM
They scheduled a public ceremony with King Herod. He dressed up in his finest royal robes and made a speech while seated upon his throne. The people from Tyre and Sidon were really brown nosing the king and yelled out, Its not just a man speaking today, Herod is superhuman. He must be a god! Herod was an egomaniac, so he was just eating this stuff up. God sent an angelic hatchet man to strike him dead right on the spot because he had the gall to accept all this public flattery as if he really was God and didnt acknowledge who the one and true God was. His body was immediately filled up with worms eating him alive from the inside out and he died a horrific death. On the up side, the message about life in Jesus was just spreading
The church at Antioch was staffed by some real top notch people. There were mouthpieces for God and folks who taught everyone how to live for Jesus. There was Barney, Simeon AKA Niger, Lucius the Cyrenian, Manean (formerly of Herods crew), and Paul. These radical Christians were spending lots of time with God, drawing close to him and even denying themselves food in order to feast on his presence. During this time they heard the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to them very clearly saying, "I am appointing Barney and Saul to fulfill a special assignment and am giving them authority and position that I want you to honor and show support for." When they were done with their time of going without meals and talking to God, they put their hands on Saul and Barney, asked God to help them and saw them off on their new mission. This dynamic duo was totally relying on the Holy Spirit for directions and He led them to Selucia where they caught a ferry to Cyprus. When they got to Salamis, they hit all the Jewish worship
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They tooled all over the island on their Jesus promo tour until they came to Paphos. In Paphos they met a Jewish guy who had abandoned the true God to practice witchcraft. He also tried to make out that he was a mouthpiece for God when in reality, like most magic men, he was a fraud. The phony spiritists name was Bar-Jesus and he was on staff under the governor of the island, his boss named Sergius Paulus. The governor was no dope, in fact he was pretty sharp and he invited Barney and Saul to come over and share what God had to say, since they seemed to be mouthpieces for God. Bar-Jesus, also known as Elymas (which means Master of Black Magic) dissed them to their face and did his best to tear down their spiritual message and dissuade the governor from buying into this Jesus thing. Obviously, he didnt want anyone horning in on his action as he was considered the top spiritual authority in town. Paul got inspired and empowered by the Holy Spirit to confront this guy and said, Listen to me you dirty, rotten, no good con artist.
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Paul and Barney rolled into Iconium and as usual headed straight over to the local Jewish worship center. Their silver tongues and genuine manner convinced many Jewish and non- Jewish people that Jesus was legit. In response the Jews who rejected Christ spoke with forked tongues to the non-Jews and planted rumor weeds concerning the fellas. This just stirred up Paul and Barney even more and they stayed in town for a good while. They gave that city both barrels of the gospel which God validated by enabling them to perform amazing supernatural feats and acts. The community was split in two over the reality of new life through Jesus. The anti-Christ movement linked arms with the Jews and the pro-Christ crowd backed Paul and Barney. Their Jewish and nonJewish enemies conspired secretly with their leaders to jump the boys, beat them up and ceremonially execute them. Luckily, the boys discovered the evil plot and escaped. They went to the
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STICKING IT OUT
They told huge numbers of people about Jesus there and tons of people gave their lives to him. After this they actually returned to Lystra, Iconium and Antioch where they
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Some guys from Judea showed up in Antioch and brought some nutty ideas with them which they began to promote to the local Christians. They pushed their belief that said, Chop off the end of your penis according to Jewish law or youre no real Christian, youre a reject. Paul and Barney really took issue with that line and went toe to toe with these guys, engaging in some pretty hot discussions and verbal jousting. The local Christians decided to send a delegation to Jerusalem consisting of Paul, Barney and some other Christians to meet with respected Christian leaders there and attempt to resolve this penis-chopping issue once and for all. This band of brothers headed for Jerusalem stopping for brief layovers on the way in Pheonicia and Samaria. While in town they told Christian friends there how even non- Jews were now giving their lives to Jesus whole heartedly. This unexpected news really stoked their pals. Finally they arrived in Jerusalem where the Christians rolled out the welcome wagon. They filled in the leaders there on all the new stuff God had been doing on their wild mission trips abroad. Some of the Christians who were also Jewish religious leaders and experts in Old Testament law threw in their two cents, Non-Jews have to receive genital surgery and have
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BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
After some time had passed, Paul said to Barney, Lets go on a trip back to all those towns and cities we traveled to and see how all the people are doing that we led to Jesus. Barney wanted to take Johnny AKA Mark with them, but Paul didnt want him on the team. He didnt trust Johnny and considered him unreliable because the last time they took him on a trip he went AWOL and was MIA when they needed him. Basically they got in a fight over the issue and the dynamic duo dissolved their partnership. Barney did take Johnny
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Paul toured around some more and made his way to Derbe and then on to Lystra. There he hooked up with a dude name Tim whose mom was a Christian Jew and his pop was Greek. The Christians at Lystra and Iconium vouched for Tim and said he was solid. Paul wanted Tim to join him in his traveling ministry. Tim really must have been solid because he let Paul chop off the end of his penis to make the trip more successful. They both knew that the Jews they were trying to reach for Jesus would be much more accepting of their message if the half-Greek Tim went through this traditional Jewish ritual surgery. This would tear down a lot of their natural bias and animosity against Greeks when they met him instead of automatically just rejecting him and his message. As this new duo bounced from town to town, they spread the word about the new landmark decisions made by leaders in Jerusalem concerning
On the traditional Jewish day of worship, we walked outside town to the river to spend time talking with God. There were some Jewish
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FRAMED
The slave masters realized their cash cow psychic business was going to have to close its doors and were not happy. They grabbed Paul and Silas and physically dragged them over to the local market to take their revenge. These evil pimps of a sort shoved Paul and Silas in front of the town officials and judges. They fabricated some trumped up charges: These dirty Jews are here to turn this city against itself and cause chaos. Theyre stirring up trouble by pushing some religious practices that are illegal under Roman law. The mob quickly turned against Paul and Silas so the city officials had the cops book them. After they were taken into custody the cops stripped them down and beat them publicly with rubber hoses until they were black and blue. Covered with welts, they were tossed into the slammer and the warden was given orders to keep them secure under lock and key. As a result the warden had them placed in a maximum security cell with their ankles chained to the wall. Around twelve oclock midnight Paul and Silas were still awake in their cell talking with God and
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During the prison worship service, an earthquake hit the facility hard and heavy. It must have been high on the Richter scale because the whole building was shaken up like a snow globe. During this upheaval all the cell doors flew wide open and the shackles even fell off all the inmates' ankles. The warden was shaken awake by the turmoil and his eyes went wide at what he saw. Every cell door in his prison was hanging wide open. Figuring his career and his life were now forfeit, he prepared to commit harikari. He figured all his chickens had flown the coop and he would be given the axe anyway, so why not get it over with. Paul saw him and yelled, Hey dont slit your wrists! Its okay, were all still here! The warden had some guards bring in lights. He ran into Paul and Silas cell where he fell down at their feet shaking like a leaf. He led them out of the maximum security area and begged, Please tell me how to rescue my soul! They responded, Put your trust in Jesus and Hell give you and your whole family new life. They went straight over to his house and taught the wardens family all about
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BACKLASH
Paul and Silas traveled through Amphipolis and Apollonia until they came to Thessalonica where there was a local Jewish worship center. Paul went over there as he was in the habit of doing to share with folks about Jesus. He went three weeks in a row on the days of worship, explaining from Old Testament scripture how the Ultimate Hero had to be tortured to death and then come back to life. Paul said, This guy Jesus Ive been telling you about really is the Ultimate Hero. Many Jews saw the light and became Christians, as well as a bunch of Greeks who loved God and many women of prestige also. These dramatic conversions made the Jews green with envy because they selfishly thought that Paul and Silas were horning in on their action. Their egos were so threatened that they recruited local thugs and scallywags from around town, stirred them into a frenzy, and let them loose to riot. In a rage they bashed down the door to Jasons
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While Paul was flying solo in Athens and kicking around town, he was really bummed to see that idol mania was in full swing there and everyone seemed to be into worshipping statues of bogus gods. Of course he found his way to the Jewish worship center in town and took every opportunity to share Jesus with the Jews and Greeks who loved God there. Not only that, but he would hit the town market regularly to spread the good word to whoever was milling around or doing business. A gang of intellectuals from some different schools of thought started debating philosophy with Paul and challenging the whole Jesus thing. They were part of some deep thinking clubs know as Epicureans and Stoics. Some of them rolled their eyes and asked, What kind of nonsense is this guy trying to sell us on? Others speculated, Hes pushing some new gods from some other country. That was their take
DEEP THOUGHTS
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PAHTNAHS
Afterwards, Paul got out of Athens and headed over to Corinth. He made some new friends in Corinth named Aquila and Priscilla. Aquila was originally a Pontusian, but most recently had lived with his wife in Italy. They were now refugees who were forced to relocate since Claudius kicked all the Jews out of Rome. Paul hooked up with them because he was in the same field as they were: mobile home fabrication, temporary housing construction and camping supplies production. Basically they all knew how to make tents, so they went into business together. Of course every Saturday you could still find Paul down at the local Jewish worship center making his case for Jesus to all the Jews and Greeks.
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One wild night Paul supernaturally received a vivid mental image of Jesus who said, Dont chicken out and clam up. Keep on telling everyone what they need to hear about me. Im on your side and backing you up all the way. They wont hurt a hair on your head
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SLAM DUNKED
While Apollos was hard at work ministering in Corinth, Paul traveled inland to Ephesus where Apollos had just left. Paul met some Christians and asked, Have you gotten a dose of the Holy Ghost? They replied, Whats a Holy Ghost? Paul inquired, What were you dunked in? They responded, We were dunked in water - Crazy Johnny style. Paul said, Crazy Johnny dunked people to show they were ready and willing to give up their nasty old ways. He also told the dunkees to take the next step to trust and depend on the next one God was sending into the game. He was the star player who would win the game whose jersey read Jesus. These folks didnt need their arms twisted. They were ready and
FRESH BLOOD
During this time, a Jewish guy name Apollos, originally from Alexandria, blew into Ephesus. He was highly educated and extremely intelligent when it came to the Old Testament. He had been taught about Jesus and passionately shared about his relationship with him to anyone who would listen. He did a good job at it too, but he had so far only been teaching that folks should get dunked in water like Crazy Johnny because thats all he knew. He confidently told people how it was in the local Jewish worship centers. Aquila and Priscila heard him speak and invited him over for dinner. They educated him in what else God was doing and helped fill in the gaps of the big picture.
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DIANAMANIA
It was during this time that a big stink started to brew concerning the thriving, contagious Jesus love explosion. There was a silver metal worker named Demi who made a good living sculpting silver statues of the goddess Diana for people to use to worship her at home. He gathered all his colleagues from the union and some other workers' organizations to talk turkey. He said, Guys, you know were making a killing selling these idols, but the industrys in trouble. This Paul guy is stealing our customers and making our mass production of
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HEAVY SCHEDULE
After the riot died out and the crowd dispersed, Paul gathered the troops (his Christian friends). He spoke some uplifting words over
We all got together on Sunday to have a big meal together. Paul was splitting the next day so he preached extra hard. He didnt know when he would see them again and didnt want to lose the opportunity to share as much as he could. Like most preachers he got longwinded and went on until twelve oclock midnight. It was very dark at this hour and the third floor conference room had lamps lit up
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DANGER AHEAD!
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When we got into Jerusalem all our Christian friends were really glad to see us and it was a happy reunion. The next day Paul and the rest of us went to see Jim and all the top Christian leaders. Paul said his hellos and then downloaded all the great stuff God had been doing on his mission trips, highlighting all the non- Jews who were giving their lives to Jesus left and right. After hearing all the good news, the leaders reacted by pouring out passionate love to God for all He had done. Then they got down to business with Paul. They said, Thousands of our Jewish people have become radical followers of Jesus and theyre also radical students and followers of the law. They value Gods instruction from the Old Testament and follow it to the 't'. Rumors have been spreading among them and gossips are claiming that you are teaching Jews who live among non-Jews to blow off what Mo taught in the Old Testament. Theyve heard that you are advising against our long held traditions and customs including the chopping off the tip of young Jewish boys penises, part of our sacred Jewish practices. What the heck are we going to do? Word will spread that you are in town and
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RELIGIOUS UPROAR
After the seven days were nearly up for the purification ritual, some Asian Jewish folks saw Paul hanging around the Jewish Worship Center. They were trouble makers of the
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GOING PUBLIC
My fellow Jews, listen for a moment to my side of the story. The crowd clammed up and listened when they heard him speaking in their native tongue. Paul said, Im a Jewish Jew born in Tarsus of Cilicia, but I was raised and grew up here in Jerusalem like most of you. Under the well known and respected professor Gamaliel I majored in Jewish studies and Old Testament theology. I studied hard and was a big a fan of the Old Testament as you are today. I was such a fanatic that in my religious zeal and love for all things traditionally Jewish I hated anyone who got into this Jesus thing. I did my best to harass Christians and used my political power to throw not only men, but women in prison too. Getting them tossed into a dark hole and throwing away the key gave me deep satisfaction. I wouldnt stop at intimidation; I even had these people murdered as your own religious leaders can vouch for because they know me. Your religious leaders signed the arrest warrants and deputized me to track these people like a bounty
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The crowd was mellow and listening intently right up until that statement. That set them off big time and they went berserk. They yelled, Kill him! Hes a menace to society and deserves to die! While the crowd was going nuts, taking off their coats and throwing handfuls of dirt into the air to express their righteous indignation, the commanding officer had Paul taken into protective custody inside headquarters before this powder keg blew sky high. The commander ordered his troops to horsewhip Paul until he came up with a confession. They were tying his arms and legs apart to whip him when Paul asked, Arent you violating my rights as a tax paying Roman citizen by torturing me? I havent had a fair trial or anything. The soldier who heard this went to his officer immediately and said, What are you doing? This guy isnt
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FEUDS A FLARIN'
Paul boldly looked straight into the eyes of the religious leaders and said, My fellow ministers, I can say confidently and with no reservations that I have fulfilled
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The next morning some of the Jews plotted and schemed to put a hit on Paul. They swore together not to eat or drink anything until they whacked out Paul. More than forty
DEATH WISH
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Paul sat in lockup for five more days. Finally his opponents showed up led by Ananias, the top of the pecking order in the Jewish Worship Center. He, along with some other top religious officials and their hired gun lawyer Tertullus came to convince the governor to throw the book at Paul. When Paul was ushered into the courtroom, the prosecuting attorney, Tertullus made his case. He began by licking Felixs political boots, Our region has been running smoothly with little civil unrest due to your outstanding leadership. We are truly fortunate to sit under your wise rule because your guidance has made such a positive impact on our nation. We cannot thank you enough for the phenomenal job you are doing and our gratitude knows no end due to the excellence you show in every area of the work you do here. But I dont want to take up too much time of such an important man as you so Ill try to be brief. Frankly, we know the defendant to be a real hellraiser out to stir up chaos and anarchy amongst Jews everywhere. Hes the brains behind
LEGAL BATTLES
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JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS
After only three days in his new town, Festus left Caesarea and traveled up to Jerusalem. While he was there the Jewish religious leaders and officials met with him to re-file their charges against Paul.
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King Agrippa addressed Paul, If you have anything to say for yourself then go right ahead. Paul launched into an oratory, Thank you King Agrippa. Its my pleasure to make my case before such an authority on the particulars of Jewish law and tradition as I defend myself before my accusers in the Jewish community. I have a lot to explain so please bear with me. The Jewish people are very familiar with my personal history and background all the way back to when I was a kid living in my hometown on up to when I lived in
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When the Roman officials decided they were going to send us to Italy, they put Paul and some other prisoners into the custody of a Roman soldier from the Imperial
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It had been a long time since anyone on the ship had eaten a bite. Paul gave them all a pep talk: Guys, I hate to say I told you so, but you should have listened to me when I said to hang tight back at Crete. If you had heeded my warning you wouldnt have lost all the merchandise and equipment on board. Ive got some good news now so buck up campers. The ship is toast, but were all going to come out of this disaster intact and none of us will be sleeping with the fishes. The God I work for full time sent a supernatural agent from the spirit world to deliver a message. He said, 'Dont worry about drowning Paul. You have to make it to the Emperors Supreme Court so God is going to spare you and all of your traveling companions from going down with the ship. Now lift your droopy heads up and put on a happy face because Im totally confident that my God will come through with flying colors. Despite that, we are going to shipwreck on some island. On the fourteenth night of being
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ABANDON SHIP!
The sun finally rose and they could see land, but had no idea where they were. They could see a sandy beach on a bay and decided to run the ship right up onto the sand if possible. They cut the anchor ropes, heaving the anchor behind, and untied the ropes holding the rudders. The sails were raised and they headed for the beach. The ship hit a sandbar and wouldnt budge. The rear of the ship was being torn apart by the pounding waves. The Roman soldiers wanted to execute the prisoners on board to prevent them from taking advantage of the chaos and going on the lamb during the dash for survival. The commanding officer, however liked Paul and wouldnt let them go through with it. He kept a level head and had everyone who knew how to swim head for shore first and everyone else use broken up pieces of the ship as floatation devices to paddle in. It was good
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When we were safe and sound on dry land we discovered that we were on the island of Malta. The natives were especially nice and played the role of gracious hosts. They built us a big fire to warm our gang because it was still miserable weather. It was so rainy and cold that only ducks could appreciate it. Paul was pitching in with building the fire and as he tossed some brush on the bonfire, a snake jumped out. The snake bit into his hand and held on tight, pumping the deadly venom into his bloodstream. This freaked out the natives big time and they remarked to each other, That guy must be a killer because even though he escaped drowning, fate wont let him survive. Hes getting what he deserves. Amazingly, Paul just shook the snake off his hand and into the fire and was fine and dandy. The natives who were very familiar with this species of snake were all watching with wide eyes expecting Paul to swell up like a balloon or keel over dead. They watched and waited a long time and when they saw that he was the picture of health they decided he must be a superhuman being, a god in mans clothing. There was a big spread close by owned by the governor of the island named Publius. He invited all the
ISLAND REFUGE
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After three days, Paul invited the Jewish leaders over to his place to talk. He said, Guys, even though I have never done anything to put down or oppose our fellow Jews or our traditions I was arrested without cause in Jerusalem and turned over to the Roman occupying forces. After interrogating me they found me innocent of any crime deserving the death penalty. The Jews there made a big stink and wanted my head on a platter so the only way I saw out of that fix was to appeal to the Emperors Supreme Court, but this wasnt to attack or bring charges against my fellow Jews. Thats why I asked to meet with you. I want to be up front in letting you know Im locked up because I have great expectations concerning Gods foretold rescue of Israel. The leaders responded, We havent gotten any correspondence from our colleagues in Judea about you and no one who has traveled from there recently that we know has had any dirt on you. We are interested in hearing about what you believe because everyone is talking it up about this weird cult and they dont have much good to say about it either.
PAUL 'SPLAINS
They made a date to get together again and even more people came to his crib the next time. Paul was a real talker and went on all day explaining Gods master plan. He went to great lengths to show them from the Old Testament how Jesus was the fulfillment of the ancient predictions. Some of his audience believed what he was saying was true, but some of them just wouldnt budge. They were debating amongst themselves and arguing, but everyone started to split after Pauls last word on the subject; The Holy Spirit wasnt kidding when he told our ancestors through Gods mouthpiece Isaiah: "Go tell these people, 'Youll hear but you wont listen. Youll see but itll all be fuzzy.'" These people are just hardheaded; theyre deaf and blind of their own choice. If they would stop being pigheaded, I could make everything crystal clear so they could finally get it. Then they could change their ways and I could fix their lives." Thats why I want you to know that God is going to rescue someone who will listen, the non-Jews!" Paul leased the house he was in for two years and had lots of guests during that time. He was straightforward and confident as he told people about Gods master plan
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