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AdmissionAce

Anne Thomas

Essay Analysis

Essay Analysis for Anne Thomas

CONTENTS

Student Essay ......................................................................................................................................... 2 Grammar & Conventions (6 criteria) ..................................................................................................... 3 Word Choice (6 criteria) ......................................................................................................................... 4 Sentence Fluency (6 criteria) ................................................................................................................. 5 Organization (7 criteria) ......................................................................................................................... 6 Topic (7 criteria) ..................................................................................................................................... 7 Content (9 criteria)................................................................................................................................. 8 Wow Factor (9 criteria) .......................................................................................................................... 9 Next Steps ............................................................................................................................................ 10

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AdmissionAce

Anne Thomas

Essay Analysis

STUDENT ESSAY Topic: Tell us about an incident or experience that helped your personal growth. I want to learn to take risks. I want to change my attitude about taking chances. Assessing my academic and extracurricular achievements, I am proud of my accomplishments. I see myself as an open-minded, goaloriented person who achieves and succeeds through hard work and determination. How much of that success is a result of staying on comfortable ground? I began wondering about the range of my abilities when I attended Northwestern University's Theater Arts Program last summer. The theme of the institute, announced by the director, was: "Dare to fail giloriously." This idea encouraged participants to take bold risks on the stage. Over time I applied this philosophy to my acting and my life. I began the Northwestern program as a quasi-accomplished actress with a hunger to absorb all I could about acting. I emerged not only a well-rounded thespian, but also a more secure person with a new outlook. I knew that there was something about my life that I wanted to change and could change. Now, as I approach college, I am committed to continuing successes and occasional gilorious failures. The first day at Northwestern I was asked to choose among three subjects in technical theater, ranking them in order of preference. Set design was my first choice, followed by costumes, and finally stage lighting. Much to my dismay, I was assigned to the lighting crew. Though disappointed, I tried to stay open-minded. I knew nothing about lighting, but followed the slogan which kept repeating in my head: "Dare to fail...." By the third lighting session, I had discovered a new passion: I was eager to learn everything I could about lights. Having always been a performer who enjoyed the limelight, I had never realized the skill required to create it properly. In my free time I climbed the catwalks, memorized cues, circiuted lamps, and changed gels. My competence was recognized when I was selected head light board operator for the final production of the summer. If the choice to study lighting had not been made for me, I would have missed an enriching opportunity. The experience taught me to take more risks, rather than to follow the most certain path to success. The exposure made me realize how limited my perspective had been in approaching new situations. The choice that was made for me, undesirable as it seemed at the outset, taught me to embrace new experiences and ideas. I believe that "the past is prologue." In college I will take more risks, convinced that the potential rewards outweigh my fear of failure. I have stopped trying to select a major and am now committed to studying many academic disciplines before deciding on a field of concentration. Accepting the possibility of failure is a new concept for me. While I have had recognition for academics, performing arts, community service, and athletic achievements, perhaps I have missed some enriching experiences because my certainty of success was doubtful. I will not avoid such opportunities in the future since I am changing my philosophy of life: I am learning to take risks.

AdmissionAce

Anne Thomas

Essay Analysis

GRAMMAR & CONVENTIONS Criteria Spellings on all words is correct Punctuations are used correctly and sometimes creatively Capitalization is accurate Editors Comments 2 spelling errors: "giloriously" correct: gloriously, " circiuted" correct: circuited Punctuation used correctly everywhere. Creative use of commas, quotes and colons in some places. Editors Score 1/2

2/2

3 capitalization errors. See comments above Correct: Set Design was my first choice, followed by Costumes, and finally Stage Lighting. Reason: These are names of categories

1/2

Use of tenses is sound

Good variation in past, present and future tenses in the last 2 paragraphs. Variation used correctly and makes the paper more interesting Essay word limit is 500 words but your essay is 512 words. Make sure it fits inside the word limit Yes, essay seems proofread multiple times as there are very few grammatical and conventional mistakes. Good work!

2/2

Essay fits within the given word limit Seems like he/she has proofread the essay at least once

1/2

2/2

Total Score:

9/12

AdmissionAce

Anne Thomas

Essay Analysis

WORD CHOICE Criteria Vocabulary is rich, effective and used correctly Editors Comments Good variety of words used correctly. Vocabulary is rich in terms of adjectives example "quasi-accomplished", "goal-oriented", "thespian" etc. and in terms of technical vocabulary used in theatre lighting such as "circuited lamps" etc. Essay flows well with a good blend of common and rich words. Does not feel like it was written using a thesaurus. Sufficient and good use of adjectives and nouns. Could add more dynamic verbs to create more action in the story. Example you could use more dynamic verbs to describe your summer program and tell the readers more about what you did. This is not really happening in your essay. While the reader gets a clear understanding of your thoughts and feelings he cannot create an image of what you did in your summer program and the life changing process you went through. Spend some more words to describe the physical experience. Often describing the setting, location, other people using all senses will help you create better imagery. Avoids humor, which is good. Uses a few clichs such as "taking risks", "taking chances" on multiple occasions but that does not take away from your essay. Not used, good job. Editors Score 2/2

Does not overuse the thesaurus Variety in parts of speech (nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc) adds depth Words work together to showcase greater meaning while evoking imagery

2/2

1/2

1/2

Avoids clichs and humor

2/2

Does not use abusive, profane or inappropriate language

2/2

Total Score:

10/12

AdmissionAce

Anne Thomas

Essay Analysis

SENTENCE FLUENCY Criteria Sentences vary in structure and length Editors Comments 36 sentences, average length 14.2 words. The most appropriate average English sentence length for most pieces of writing is about 15 to 20 words. 25% (9) short sentences (at most 9 words) and 2% (1) long sentences (at least 24 words). You could make some of the sentences longer to add more variation. Do this by adding more connectors such as "and", "but", "thus", "hence", "so", etc. 2% (1) questions and 41% (15) passive sentences. You could make some sentences interrogatory and some exclamatory to make the writing more rich and varied. Sentences vary in beginnings Sentence beginnings: pronoun (15) interrogative pronoun (1) article (5) subordinating conjunction (3) conjunction (0) preposition (4). Roughly half your sentences begin with "I". This not only makes your essay dull but also makes it very childish. Cut down on your use of "I" significantly and spread the beginnings evenly across word types. Start more sentences using linking and connecting phrases. See below. Connective words are used in a meaningful way to add fluency Use more linking phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs such as "In spite of", "Even though", "By this time", "Meanwhile", "As a result of" etc. Some sentence linking is seen in your essay, but most sentences do not connect to each other. The sentences within themselves flow well and are easy to read and comprehend. Yes, it blends well. The return to the first sentence completes the essay. 1/2 0/2 Editors Score 1/2

Sentences are fluid and easy to read Ending is not abrupt and blends well with the rest of the essay Avoids using complicated sentences, instead focusing on sentences that are meaningful

2/2

2/2

One sentence is a little complicated: "While I have had recognition for academics, performing arts, community service, and athletic achievements, perhaps I have missed some enriching experiences because my certainty of success was doubtful. " Add "in them" after the word "success" to make it clear. Focus more on the meanings of the sentences. Several sentences are very repetitive for example, the first and the second one of the first paragraph. Think about the meaning of each sentence and how it adds value to your essay. Total Score:

1/2

7/12

AdmissionAce

Anne Thomas

Essay Analysis

ORGANIZATION Criteria Has a clear introduction paragraph Has 3-5 clear body paragraphs Has a clear conclusion paragraph Sequencing of paragraphs and sentences is logical from start to finish Yes Editors Comments Editors Score 2/2

Yes 5 body paragraphs

2/2

Yes

2/2

There are issues in the 2nd, 5th and 6th paragraph. In the second half of the 2nd paragraph you seem to summarize the lesson learnt even before describing your whole experience. 5th and 6th paragraph you keep jumping around between the past and future. Keep the structuring sound. For your essay we recommend you maintain the chronology throughout. Except the last, all paras have a clear topic sentence, BUT the following sentences in some paragraphs are not supporting it. Example, in the 6th paragraph, the topic sentence talks about the past being a prologue but the rest of the para does not refer to anything about the past, and instead dwells into your future. After writing the topic sentence, think about how you could develop a strong argument to support it and write that. Yes

1/2

Each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and the following sentences in that paragraph support it

1/2

Introduction and conclusion are brief Does not waste space on poems or quotes

2/2

Yes

2/2

Total Score:

12/14

AdmissionAce

Anne Thomas

Essay Analysis

TOPIC Criteria Understands the type of essay he is writing and what this type of essay requires of him/her Chosen a subject that answers the essay question Has not written on a topic that is taboo Has chosen a topic that can be discussed in the given word limit Yes Editors Comments Editors Score 2/2

Yes

2/2

Yes

2/2

Yes

2/2

Has chosen a topic Yes that can be understood by anyone and does not require specific knowledge Has chosen a topic that can be recycled and used for multiple university applications Title (if applicable) is engaging and complements the essay question and essay content Yes

2/2

2/2

No title. Add a title to make it more interesting. For your essay a great title could be "Dare to fail gloriously".

0/2

Total Score:

12/14

AdmissionAce

Anne Thomas

Essay Analysis

CONTENT Criteria Main idea of the essay is simple and clear and is summarized in 1 line in the thesis statement Editors Comments Your essay does not have a thesis statement. This is very important and should be there in the intro para in the first or last line. In your case, add a thesis statement that says something to the effect of "My experiences at the Northwestern theatre arts program taught me how to take chances and risks." Yes you have stuck to the main topic at all times Editors Score 0/2

All parts of the text relate to the main idea and there are no tangents Essay answers a "why" question in a logical manner Arguments are cogent and developed in a mature, persuasive way Details are accurate, relevant and support argument or the main idea Content is genuine and does not seem superficial Conclusion wraps up the entire essay by briefly reminding the reader of the thesis Experience with the topic is evident Content is not simply an essay version of your resume

2/2

You answer the why question very well

2/2

Yes

2/2

The essay lacks details. Only the 4th paragraph has details about the actual experience, while the rest of the essay is focused on the transformation. Add more details, to make it more real. Yes

1/2

2/2

Partially. You link it to the lesson learnt and how it will affect you future, but do not link it back to Northwestern or the actual experience.

1/2

Yes

2/2

Yes

2/2

Total Score:

14/18

AdmissionAce

Anne Thomas

Essay Analysis

WOW FACTOR Criteria Editors Comments Editors Score 0/2

Introduction is No. The first 2 lines are very cliched and repetitive. You need to start with engaging and captures a bang and say something unique or different that will jump out to the the reader's attention reader and want him to read the rest of the essay. Example, you could start with "I never thought a summer spent memorizing cues and circuiting lamps would change my entire outlook on life." Content is original or Partially. You do take a real life experience which makes your essay is an original approach original but the content as such has been written about several times to an ordinary topic making it mundane for admission officers. Either change the experience from the theatre program and make it something more rare or unusual or talk more in detail about the experience and less about the transformation. Seems passionate and personally interested in the topic he/she is writing on Your passion or interest does not come across so strongly. Make the reader believe that you really enjoyed this experience, it was memorable and it will stick with you for the rest of your life. Emphasize this in your conclusion. No. All sentences follow the same structure and style. Make the writing more varied, connected and meaningful. See comments about sentence fluency above. No. The tone of writing is very simple and banal. The perspective is unoriginal and predictable. Practice improving your writing, read some exemplary sample essays and try bringing more variation in your writing. Details are sparse and their evaluation or analysis is not present. Example, write about how you evaluated your achievement of becoming the head lighting operator The reader does not come to know anything about your passions or intellectual curiosity. Try adding a line or so about your passion for acting to make the experience more relevant and meaningful to you. Also this will help the reader understand you better. No, the conclusion is a rehash of the intro and is very predictable. Give specific examples of how you're going to apply this learning in the future in college example through different extra curriculars etc.

1/2

1/2

Each sentence has a unique style to enhance fluency

0/2

Uses a unique perspective and tone

0/2

Thoughtful analysis and evaluation of details is evident Showcases his/her intellectual vitality and what turns their mind on Conclusion is thought provoking; lingers with the reader after reading the essay Gets an emotional response out of the

0/2

0/2

0/2

No. Convince the reader that you've changed forever and are a strong candidate for their college. Be more convincing about the impact of this

0/2

AdmissionAce

Anne Thomas

Essay Analysis

reader

experience on your life and how it will impact your decisions henceforth with concrete examples. Total Score: 2/18

NEXT STEPS Dear Anne Thomas, You are off to a great start! We believe your essay has the potential to be a great one, one that contains all the necessary ingredients required to make you stand out among all other applicants. Your essay is a real diamond in the rough, and with effective polishing, editing and rewriting based on the feedback and suggestions given above, we are confident that youll be able to get admission into the top universities you apply to. To ensure the same we suggest you take these next steps: Rework on the essay based on the suggestions and feedback given above. After making the changes, you can resubmit the essay to us and get a complete analysis of your new draft to make sure youve incorporated all the changes correctly. Go to www.admissionace.com/essay-editing.html and select Follow Up 2 from the drop down menu. To be 100% confident about acing your admissions, you need to make sure your entire application is comprehensive and your essay complements the rest of the materials in it. To help you with this, we can analyze all the other essays in your application, review your resume, application forms and any supporting material you plan to submit and evaluate whether they complement each other to form a perfect, comprehensive application. Go to www.admissionace.com/essay-editing.html and select Upgrade 2 to 3 from the drop down menu. For more detailed information on all the criteria listed above visit http://www.admissionace.com/collegeadmission-essay.html. Lastly, If youre confident you have aced the essay, make sure you complete the application form and submit it before the application deadline. We wish you all the best for your admissions and hope you keep us updated on the results. Feel free to contact us for additional queries. Helping you Ace your Admissions, Manjari Agrawal (Admission Counselor) & Mansi Agrawal (Essay Expert)

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