New Moon: Edward returns from Italy before he talks to Bella

By: Dominique Balkcom

After I was finished prying Bella’s fingers from my shirt, I stole one
last glance at her before I left her room to face Charlie. Will she
take me back? After finally seeing her after all of this time, after
all of the agony I experienced from being away from her, I know
that I cannot bring myself to ever leave her again…….unless she
asked me to. It’s amazing, though, how being in her room again
after all this time feels natural. I haven’t been in a place that felt
like this since I left Bella.
She’s been very quiet and thoughtful since our little reunion in
Italy. I wonder what she was thinking about on the plane? Has she
moved on? Does she hate me? I wouldn’t blame her if she did. I
wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to talk to or see me ever
again. I would spend the rest of her life apologizing and begging
her to take me back if that’s what it would take. She seemed like
she still loved me when we were in the lobby after being spared
by the Volturi. On the plane also……… A little……….. She was
hesitant. She probably just felt pity for me for trying to kill myself.
If she has moved on, though, I will support her decision. It would
kill me-metaphorically- but I would support her. All I want is for
her to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted, but it seems that my
latest mistake, leaving her, only caused her more pain that I could
have ever imagined. And on top of that, I had left her unprotected
with werewolves around. Anything could have happened to her.
But for some reason she’s not afraid of them. Of course. That is so
Bella. Leave it to her to become friends with werewolves. Our
natural enemies. The most dangerous creatures out there next to
vampires………..
Well, I guess I should face the music with Charlie now. This is the
easy part. The hard part is going to be facing Bella.
I stood in front of Bella’s door with my hand on her knob listening
to Charlie’s thoughts before I faced him. He was standing right
outside of Bella’s door waiting for me.
“What is taking him so long? How long does it take to lay her on
the bed and leave? The leaving part should be easy. That’s what
he does best. I can’t believe he had the nerve to show his face
here after what he did to my daughter…….” Charlie continued
with his rant in his head that lead to a lot of profanities aimed at
me.
I walked out of her door and closed it gently behind me. Charlie
started to speak but I interrupted him….
“Charlie, if you don’t mind, could you wait until we get down stairs
before we have this conversation? I don’t want to wake Bella.” I
whispered before he could speak and turned and walked
downstairs before he had a chance to answer. I know nothing
could probably wake Bella now, as tired as she was, but I didn’t
want to take any chances. She needs her rest.
“Who does he think he is telling me what to do? What gives him
the right……” Charlie’s thoughts shouted at me as he walked
behind me down the stairs. When I made it downstairs, I got to
the door and turned to face Charlie. As soon as he met me there
he went off…..
“What gives you the right to show your face here? You are not
welcome here. Do know how much pain my daughter went
through when you just up and left her? Left her, might I add, in
the woods. Alone. Lost. Do you know how long it took us to find
her? Anything could’ve happened to her while she was out there.
But that doesn’t matter to you, right.” If I could only tell him that I
was the one who left him the note to tell him where she was. That
I made sure that we didn’t walk too far in the woods so that she
could find her way back home on the trail. That his daughter
meant the world to me and her safety has always been my first
concern. Her safety was the reason I was in the mess to begin
with. “And then you get yourself in some kind of trouble and she
has to be the one to run off and help you? Where were you when
she needed help? It took her months to even get some color back
to her skin after you broke her heart. Now you show up and it’s
going to tear her up all over again. Haven’t you had enough of
ruining my daughter’s life? Can’t you find some other girl’s life to
drag through the mud? I can’t believe you think that you can just
leave, mess up her life, and show up again like nothing ever
happened? I hope you don’t think that just because she came to
help you that that means anything. I don’t want you here. I don’t
want you around my daughter. I don’t want you to ever step foot
through my door again……….” Charlie screamed at me. He had
every right to feel the way he did. And he was right about
everything he said. I have messed up her life. In more ways than
he will ever know. She deserved better than me…… Maybe I
should just leave again. Before she wakes back up. I don’t want
take her through what she has already been through because of
me……..No. I can’t. I don’t even know how to leave again.
Especially now with werewolves around. I will not leave her
unprotected with those dogs here in Forks. I listened to everything
he said without interruption and then I began to speak….
“Charlie, I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am for hurting
Bella the way that I did. You have every right to feel the way that
you do about me. But nothing you say can make me feel worse
than I already feel about myself for leaving her. For hurting her.
The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. My actions were
inexcusable. I am also sorry for being the cause of her leaving for
the past three days. I know I didn’t deserve her help. I’m sorry for
everything. You have no idea………” I said. The look on his face
told me that he could care less if I was sorry or not, even without
being able to hear the same thing in his thoughts. He cut me off
in the middle of my apologies….
“Well, Edward, I really don’t care how you feel. Don’t come near
my daughter ever again. I don’t even want to see your Volvo ride
down my street,” he said and opened the door, “Goodbye” I knew
that if I said anything else it would just make things worse so I
simply turned and walked out the door. It slammed behind me. My
eyes instantly flashed towards Bella’s window. I listened for her
heartbeat to see if she was awake. The door slammed pretty hard.
But it was slow and steady. She was still sound asleep.
I walked back to the car with my head held low. I felt so worthless.
My existence is worthless. I can’t do anything right. When I got
back in the car with Rosalie and Emmett, I dropped my face in my
hands. They didn’t say anything to me, even though they heard
every word that was passed. They just looked back at me and
then drove off.
“ I’m sorry bro. That was brutal. I didn’t know Chief Swan had that
kind of anger in him.” Emmett thought. But I knew he did. He
loved Bella unconditionally. He may not be very verbal with his
love for her, but I knew just how deep his love ran. He would do
anything for her. It killed him to see her in so much pain. The pain
that I caused.
The ride back to our house was quiet. All I could think about was
going back to see Bella. To get this over with. No matter if it was
good or bad. If she would take me back or not. It felt like the
anticipation would drive me insane. I had been without her for so
long, being away from her now, after seeing her again, was even
more painful. But what was I going back to? A girl who was still in
love with me. Who wants to be with me, despite all the pain I
caused her. Or a girl who despises me and never wants to see me
again. Or, even worse, a girl who belongs to someone else……...
With all that has happened, I never got a chance to think about
being back home. At my house. The only house that has ever felt
like home to me. Back in the only town that has ever really felt
like home. When we pulled into the garage, Emmett and Rosalie
proceeded to get out. I didn’t move. Rosalie got out and went into
the house, but Emmett hesitated. “Are you coming”, he turned
back and said to me.
“Yes, I just need a minute. I’ll be right behind you” I said to him
without looking at him.
“Are we leaving Forks again?” Emmett thought.
“I don’t know Emmett. I don’t know what to do. How do I know if
she will even forgive me? If she even wants me to stay? I have
made a real mess of things. I just don’t know what I am supposed
to do.” I said to him in a detached tone. I’m sure he could hear
the sadness in my voice. The pain.
“She loves you Edward. Do you really think that she would have
went across the world to risk her life to save you if she didn’t still
love you?” Emmett said, but I couldn’t believe the words. Bella
was selfless. She probably would’ve done that for anyone to save
their life.
“There could be a number of reasons why Bella came to save me,
Emmett, and that fact alone is what I am most scared of. Maybe
she didn’t act out of love. Maybe she just acted because………I
don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t love……..“ I told him. My voice broke
a little at the end.
“I don’t know Edward. I can’t tell you what to do. I’m not going to
pretend like I know what you’re going through, because I don’t. All
I know is that I don’t want to see you live your life the way you
have been living it these past months. I hated not having you
around. We all did. And as much as Rosalie may deny this, she
missed you too. She feels really bad about what happened. Don’t
give her too hard a time. But all I can say is just talk to Bella.
Don’t make this decision for her like you did when you left. See
where her head is at.” Emmett said.
“Thanks, Em………..And I missed you too.” I said to him with a half
smile. “When you get in the house, could you tell Alice that I need
to speak with her?
“Yeah” he said and before he could get to the door, Alice was
there.
“Hey Edward, wassup? She asked, like she didn’t already know.
“Alice, how is Bella? Tell me everything. What happened? I asked
her. I never really got the chance to ask her with all the chaos that
we went through and with Bella still around.
“She’s not so good Edward. She’s had a rough time dealing with
this. I talked with Charlie before we left for Voltera and he told me
that it was like night of the living dead around here. She wasn’t
talking to her friends anymore. She wouldn’t really talk to Charlie.
He said that she would answer if she was asked a question, but
that was it. Bella wasn’t Bella anymore. She withdrew from
everything. She withdrew from life. I knew leaving was a bad
idea…….Anyway, she was really bad when we first left. She
wouldn’t eat or sleep.” “ I can’t imagine what that kind of pain
must feel like. If Jasper ever left me………” Alice thought. Then
she looked at me, apologetic and said “Sorry…….. Charlie said
that she stopped doing any and everything that reminded her of
you. She stopped reading, watching TV, everything. Then one
day, Charlie said that he called Renee to come and get her. He
thought that maybe if she went to Florida, it would help. But he
said she got really angry. She started crying and yelling and
throwing her things around the room saying that they can’t make
her leave.” This was unbearable. How could I cause the one
person that I have ever loved that much pain. If I ever thought I
was a monster before, this was my proof. Just picturing Bella
going through that kind of pain was agonizing. Worse than any
pain I felt being away from her. Knowing that the pain the she
went through was because of me……. I felt my hollow heart
breaking all over again, hearing her pain. My pain, I could handle.
Hers, I could not.
“After her tantrum, he thought that she would be a little better.
But she didn’t get better. She was just……… lifeless……..empty…”
Then Alice hesitated. Oh, no. What did that mean? I had been
looking down while she gave me the details on Bella. I wasn’t
paying attention to her thoughts. When I looked up, she was
staring at me with a concentrated expression. She was debating
whether she should tell me something or if she would let Bella
explain. She didn’t reveal what that something was in her
thoughts.
“What is it Alice? Then what happened? Does she have someone
else? Did she move on? Tell me Alice.” I said, pleading, begging,
desperate to know if someone else had her heart.
“Charlie said that she was starting to come around, but he still
saw something in her eyes. The same thing I saw when I came
back to Forks. You could see the pain in her eyes, as much as she
tried to hide it. I don’t think any of us will ever really know how
much pain Bella was in. Is still in.” She said.
“Alice, I’m not stupid. You still didn’t answer my question. Has she
found someone else or not? Has she moved on?”
“Edward, you and Bella should discuss that. I’m not going to
answer that question. You need to face her. Not as a vampire to a
human. But as a man in love. As a man who knows that he’s
made a huge mistake by letting the love of his life go. A man who
is willing to do whatever it takes to get her back. You need to
experience the vulnerability and uncertainty of not knowing what
the outcome will be.”
I didn’t protest. She’s right. If I know that Bella doesn’t have
anybody else, than I would be a little too confidant when I went to
talk to her. Already knowing what will happen. Not that I would
take it for granted. But if I don’t know if she has someone……if
she has kissed someone else…….if someone else has had
permission to touch her warm, soft skin……than I would feel…….
experience the desperation to have her and keep her in my life.
And I would be more than willing to do whatever it takes to
deserve her, even if I never could. But there was one more thing
that I wanted to know before I faced her. Before I had the courage
to even talk to her…………
“Alice,…..” I said and then hesitated. This was the question that I
was afraid of hearing the answer to. But she already knew what I
was about to ask.
“She loves you Edward. She never stopped. “ she said, smiling
from ear to ear. That put a smile on my face to. It felt so strange
to smile. I hadn’t in so long, but it was short-lived with Alice’s next
words….
“But she’s still hurting, Edward……….. Imagine if it were the other
way around and she left you and made you believe that she didn’t
love you anymore. Imagine how you would feel thinking that Bella
was off somewhere having the time of her life while you were left
to suffer from the pain of losing her.” Did Bella really believe that I
could even have any kind of life without her?, I thought to
myself.” “But even going through all that pain, she still is madly in
love with you. “ Alice said. “Jasper couldn’t believe it himself!!!!”
“Jasper? What do you mean?” I asked, surprised and confused.
“Jasper said that the love and happiness that was radiating off of
Bella at the airport for you was overwhelming. He said he has
never felt that kind of intensity, from a human, ever. Not once. It
was more intense than before you left her.“ Alice told me with a
giggle.
Wow, was all I could think to myself. Could she really have those
feelings for me after all I have put her through?
“Thanks Alice.” I said.
I knew Bella would hurt after I left, but I didn’t know that she
would continue to hurt. After all this time. Most humans got pass
things pretty quickly. Especially humans her age. They fell in and
out of love all the time. But then again, when did Bella ever act
like most humans.
“But…” Alice said, a different tone in her voice. Sadness, maybe?
“even thoughshe still loves you, Edward, I can’t see if you two
are going to be together. Both of your futures are tangled up
indecision and uncertainty. I don’t know what the outcome will be
because you both are still confused about each other’s feelings”
She said. I didn’t expect that. Now what was I suppose to do. It
was one thing to not know whether she had moved on and quite
another when Alice couldn’t even tell if we were going to be
together. I have no guarantee to go on. I have to go in blind.
“Everything will work out Edward, even though it may seem
impossible now. Trust her and trust her love for you. Don’t
underestimate it.” Alice thought as she went back into the house.
Now the question is what am I going to do now. I can’t leave. I
know that. There is no way I could ever leave her again.
As I walked into the house, I just looked around and took in my
atmosphere.
I was home. A week ago, I was in an alley in South America.
Thinking that my purpose in life was over. Counting down the time
when Bella would leave this world for a better one. So I could
finally escape this misery. I exist only for her. When she no longer
existed……neither would I.
I saw my family convened in the living room. All looking at me
with nothing but concern. Even Rosalie. Their thoughts flooding
my mind…
“Edward, I’m so sorry. You have no idea……” Rosalie pleaded.
“Everything’s gonna be ok, Edward. This will work out……..” Esme
worried.
“Edward, ………” Carlisle simply said.
“I’m fine, you guys. Really” I assured them. Knowing that it was a
lie. I was far from fine. But I’ve hurt them enough in these past
few months. I wasn’t going to let them worry about me again.
“Edward, what are you going to do?........... We all met you in
Forks because we knew you had to bring Bella………” He
hesitated. Probably because every since I left Bella, it hurt to hear
her name. To even speak it. They were used to not saying her
name around me. If I wasn’t feeling so lost right now, the guilty
look that came on his face would have been funny.
“It’s ok Carlisle.”I assured him.
“Well, we knew you had to bring her back to Forks. We don’t know
if you are going to stay or not. But if I may, can I please just say
one thing?” Carlilse asked.
“Of course, Carlisle”
“Well Edward, I didn’t say anything when we left last September
because that was your choice to make. Even though I did not
agree with it, you had to make the best choice for you. But it hurt
me to see you in so much pain. It hurt us all to see you in so much
pain. I have never witnessed you in that state before. As long as
we have been together. I don’t think I have ever witnessed any
vampire in that state before. Or human for that matter. And it
seems that Bella didn’t do too well either. With that being said, I
don’t think that it is in your best interest to leave again. I don’t
think it is in Bella’s best interest for you to leave again either. I
don’t think it ever was.” I hated that I made my family suffer.
Made them hurt.
“ Carlisle…….everyone, I’m not leaving. We are going to stay in
Forks. This is our home. I’m sorry for making you guys leave in
the first place. At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do. It
was a stupid mistake. The worst mistake I have ever made in my
life. I can’t live without her. I know that now. I just thought that if
we left, Bella would be happier. Safer. But she wasn’t. Either one.
And I just made things worse by leaving. I don’t know what the
future holds for Bella and I though. Alice can’t see because Bella
and I don’t even know yet. But I know that I will be wherever she
is, no matter what the outcome will be. I’m not going to give up
on her. On us. Like I have already have. I’m gonna fight to be with
her. I just hope she can forgive me. I hope you all can forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive” Carlisle said. “ Go to Bella. Do
whatever it takes to make this right. You two are meant for each
other. We’ll move everything back in. Don’t worry about it.”
“ Move everything back in? From Denali? Tonight?” I said.
Surprised. I know we have superhuman speed, but there was no
way they could pull that off in one night.
Esme answered, “Well…….actually……..while you were on the
plane on your way here. We packed up everything and brought it
with us. We didn’t know what you would say but we had a pretty
good idea. We know how much you love Bella Edward. I knew that
once you laid eyes on her after all of this time, there was no way
you were going to leave her again.”
I smiled at her and turned to walk out the door. I put my hand on
the knob and hesitated. I don’t know what her reaction will be
once she opens her eyes and sees me. Maybe I should wait…..well
it’s not like I could just walk up to her front door and knock on it.
Charlie told me never to step foot through his door again.
“Go to her Edward, it will be ok” Jasper said, sensing my
insecurity.
“Trust her, Edward” Alice thought.
I walked out the door and took off running. It’s been awhile since I
just ran for enjoyment. Just to feel the wind against my face.
Blowing through my hair.
This was it. Now or never. Now more than ever I wished I could
read her thoughts. So that I could know, when I talked to her,
what was going through her mind.
I climbed up the wall and eased through her window. How many
nights had I wished that I could be in her room. Lay next to her
while she slept. Listen to her mind unravel while she dreamed.
This was nothing like my fantasies. This was a thousand times
better. I inhaled, letting her scent overwhelm me. But it didn’t
scorch my throat as much as it once did. It burned, of course, but
not nearly as much as it had before. I wonder why? Hmmm……
“Edward, Please don’t leave me. Please…..” Bella pleaded in her
sleep. She still dreamed about me. This moment brought me back
the first night I came to her room and watched her sleep. That
night, in her sleep, she asked me to stay. And that time, as well, I
was thinking about leaving her. Why was I always trying to leave
her? She always stayed with me. She stayed when she found out I
was a vampire. A monster. She stayed when she saw me sparkle
in the sunlight. She stayed after she had almost been killed by
James. She also stayed after Jasper had almost attacked her. All of
those times she proved her love for me by staying with me. No
matter what tried to come between us. Why couldn’t I be that
strong? Why couldn’t I love her that much? I used to think that
being strong enough to leave her always meant that I loved her
the most. But I was wrong. It was always a struggle for us to be
together, we knew that from the beginning. Being able to endure
that struggle for the one you love was always the real test. And
she always passed with flying colors. I was the weak one. I was
the one that didn’t love her enough. That didn’t deserve her. She
loved me more than I deserve.
How did I survive without her in my life? Without her beautiful
face, her warm lips, her soft skin. I traced by hand over her
forehead, just to feel the warmth that I had been without for so
long. She squeezed her eyes shut. My cold hand must have
frightened her. Did my cold skin finally repulse her like I had
thought it would at the beginning of our relationship?
She opened her eyes. “Oh” she gasped and threw her fists over
her eyes. Does she want me to leave? Does she not want to see
me? This was a bad idea. I should leave…..Ugh, there I go again.
Trying to leave her. No, I’m not going anywhere unless she orders
me away.