J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163 DOI 10.

1007/s10823-010-9115-9 ORIGINAL ARTICLE

Sexuality and Sense of Self in Later Life: Japanese Mens and Womens Reflections on Sex and Aging
Katrina L. Moore

Published online: 2 May 2010 # Springer Science+Business Media, LLC 2010

Abstract The aim of this article is to provide a nuanced analysis of the transformation of sexuality that occurs with age. Drawing on several ethnographic narratives of married men and women over the age of 60 in Japan, this article provides insight into gender-specific experiences of marital sexuality, the impact of extra-marital sexual activity on marital relationships, and the development of sibling-like relationships as couples grow older. It also highlights the continuing importance of sexual desire in later life, especially to mens sense of self. This article contributes to the growing scholarship on the sexuality of older persons around the world and makes a case for the importance of the life history interview as a methodology for illuminating the complex relationship between gender, sexuality, and aging. Keywords Aging . Desire . Gender . Infidelity . Japan . Sexuality

Introduction: Sexuality in Later Life Over the past two decades, there has been a significant rise in research on the sexuality of older persons (Schiavi 1999; Schill et al. 1994; Katz and Marshall 2003; Shea 2005). The reasons for this increase include the worldwide rise in the number of elderly, the rise in incidence of STDs among older persons, and increased debates about the rights of the elderly to sustain a sexual life into old age, a debate driven in part by the pharmaceutical industrys interest in marketing drugs for sexual dysfunction (Marshall 2002; Tiefer 2007). Considerable academic, especially medical, interest has centered on documenting the extent to which older men and women remain sexually active (Marsiglio and Greer 1994:129). More recent studies (Laumann et al. 2006:146) have expanded the research focus to explore subjective sexual wellbeing, that is, feelings of satisfaction with the emotional aspects of sexual relationships, and sexual functioning in late life.
K. L. Moore (*) Sociology and Anthropology Program, School of Social Sciences and International Studies, University of New South Wales, Sydney, NSW 2052, Australia e-mail: katrina.moore@unsw.edu.au

150

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

In this article, I examine older Japanese mens narrative accounts of their sexual relationships. I explore the ways in which these relationships changed as they grew older. In general, men located the peak of their sexual lives in the past. The decline sometimes had to do with the loss of sexual potency that comes with aging, but more often than not with reduced opportunities to meet extra-marital sexual partners and with a shift in the balance of power in their marriages. While men acknowledged that decline in sexual activity was a normal part of aging, they expressed significant concern about this decline because they felt that an active sexual life was important to health and competence as a man in old age. I contrast mens narratives of sexuality with those of women. By juxtaposing the accounts of men and women, I draw out differences in the ways women and men interpreted the importance of sexual relationships in later life. Married men located the source of their wellbeing in continuing to sustain sexual desire, whereas married women downplayed the importance of desire as the source of their wellbeing and vitality. This contrast points, I argue, to the different gender norms governing marital sexuality at earlier stages of their lives. I take an expansive approach to the study of sexuality, paying heed to the importance of sexual desire in the narratives of my informants. I treat sexual desire as fluid and something that changes over the life course. I use the term sexual activity to refer to erotic physical contact, including but not limited to genital contact. Following Helfaer (1998:4), I use the term sexuality to refer to the particular way in which one man or one woman is a man or woman in the world. Sexuality includes a persons sexual orientation (whether they are heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual) and also refers to a domain of erotic desire. Sexuality is not as an essence that every person expresses by virtue of having a biological sex (male or female) and having physiological (hormonally-activated) drives. Nor is it a property of bodies or something originally existent in human beings (de Lauretis 1987:3) but rather the set of effects produced in bodies, behaviors, and social relations by the deployment of a complex political technology of gender. Sexuality is, moreover, a culturally mediated enactment of an individuals gender identity (Parker 1999). Cultural values play a major role in influencing how individuals negotiate their gendered relationships. The prevailing construction of gender and marital sexuality for the Japanese middleclass women and men interviewed for this article is that of complementarity based on difference, rather than mutuality based on equality. Upon getting married, women transmute their sexual identity into that of a wife and mother. Gradually, the identity of the mother takes precedence. Women are expected to abstain from marital infidelity. Wifely status exempts women from actively flirting with men. Social class also plays a role among women in shaping the way women express their sexuality. The higher the social class, the more restrained must be womens performance of their sexuality and sexual persona, even within marriage. Married men, on the other hand, live by a different set of gender norms. Mens sexual identity is not contained exclusively within fatherhood and marriage. Extra-marital sexual activity is tacitly condoned by men, and some might argue, by wives as well, although the case studies below show that this double standard has an impact on marital sexual relations in later life. Mens extra-marital sexual partners were either single women whom they met in the workplace or at bars, or various types of sex workers. What does this tell us about the social construction of married sexuality in Japan? While both married men and women have sexuality, married mens sexuality is expressed through sexual relationships that are frequently extra-marital. For married men there are incentives to transgress the bounds of marriage and to constitute their masculinity through affairs. For women there are incentives

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

151

to restrict their sexual activity to marriage or to abstain from sexual activity altogether if they are not having sex with their husbands. I argue that these different norms governing marital sexuality influence the ways in which married couples relate sexually in later life.

Subject Surveys in Japan probing the sexual behavior of middle-aged and older persons show that the frequency of sexual activity is very low when compared with other countries. Consequently, the term sexlessness has become common as researchers refer to the low incidence of marital sexual activity, not simply for older Japanese but across different generations in Japanese society (NHK 2002:58). A study conducted by Araki Chineko et al. in 2000, involving a nationwide sample of 1,020 men and women aged 40 to 71, found that on the average, Japanese women stop having sexual relations at age 52 and that men stop at age 56. Many of Arakis female respondents over age 50 commented that they were more fulfilled because they did not have sex.1 A cross-national study of senior sexuality, conducted by Edward O. Laumann et al. (2006) between 2001 and 2006 and involving a sample of 27,500 men and women aged 40 to 80 years in 29 countries, found that the Japanese ranked low in many areas of investigation. Japanese men and women ranked last with respect to sexual satisfaction: only 18% of men and 10% of women responded that they gained a high degree of physical pleasure from sex.2 The survey also investigated the degree of emotional pleasure people derived from sexual activity, their satisfaction with their sexual function, and their belief in the importance of sex to their personal well-being. In response to these questions, 76% of Japanese men and 84% of women responded that they found sex only slightly or not very emotionally satisfying; meanwhile, 60% of men and 40% of women noted that they were satisfied with their sexual function, and 80% of men and 88% of women stated that sex was not very important to their well-being (Laumann et al. 2006:151). My findings also indicate that the significance of sexual activity in the lives of Japanese couples declines with age and that older women in particular tend to de-emphasize the importance of sex to their sense of self. As I will proceed to show, a complex series of factors account for a decline in marital sexual activity. These factors will be illustrated using narratives from in-depth interviews. The aim of this article is, thus, to provide a level of depth and insight into the changing nature of marital relationships that survey data cannot. This article fills a gap in the English-language literature on sexuality in Japan, much of which focuses on commodified forms of sexual services such as hostess clubs, soaplands, and soft porn films (Allison 1994; Bornoff 1991; Richie 2001). Because these industries serve a primarily male clientele, a consequence of this research focus has been to divert attention away from mens sexual relationships with their wives. By the same token, relatively little attention has been paid to the sexual relationships of older men and women. Various theorists interested in issues of gender and sexuality assert that sexuality is integral to the constitution of gender (Pringle 1992; Gutmann 1997; de Lauretis 1987; Butler 1990). Yet this question has not been raised in a systematic fashion in relation to old
1 2

Author interview with Araki Chineko, sexologist, in Tokyo, January 24, 2005. Austrians ranked first: 80% of Austrian men and 63% of Austrian women said they gained a high degree of physical pleasure from sex. The other three countries reporting a high degree of sexual satisfaction were Spain, Canada, and Australia.

152

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

age. What is the experience of male gender and male sexuality, and of female gender and female sexuality, as people grow older? Do shifts occur in the ways in which people express their sexual identities in later life? Drawing on in-depth ethnographic interviews, this article provides insight into the marriages of older couples and the transformations in marital relationships as women and men grow older.

Research Sample and Methodology My analysis of the sexual lives of older women and men draws on data from ethnographic field research I conducted in Tokyo, Japan and the nearby cities of Yokohama and Saitama over the course of eighteen months in 20042005, and follow-up research in the summers of 2007 and 2008. My primary research technique for eliciting commentary on sexuality was the life history interview. Life history research enables us to gain insight into informants lives as a whole and enables us to situate their commentaries on sexuality within the larger set of reflections and observations they make about their lives, marital and family relationships, and occupational experiences (Hirsch 2003). In the life history interview, old age takes on meaning not as a chronological marker or a point in time, but rather as an accumulation of layers of lived experience that in turn inform the present. The communities I visited to recruit respondents were two schools of adult learning; high school and university reunions attended by men and women in their 60s and 70s; and hospitals and clinics treating women and men age 60 and above. At each of these sites, I introduced myself and my investigation of senior sexuality and conducted informal focus group discussions. I followed up with these participants in writing, usually by electronic mail, and arranged to meet with those who were willing to participate in a semi-structured interview that lasted between 90 and 120 min. In total, I interviewed 40 men and women in depth.3 Among the 40 persons I interviewed were seven married couples. The male respondents ages ranged from 62 to 88, with the average age being 69; 19 were married, and one was divorced and in a new dating relationship. My sample tended to be quite highly educated: 15 had 4-year university degrees or more advanced degrees, three had certificates from vocational colleges, and three had high school diplomas. In terms of occupation, 16 were fully retired (mainly from corporate salaried jobs); one continued to work as a physician and another as lawyer and two continued to run their own family firms. The female respondents ranged in age from 52 to 78, with the average age being 62; 18 were married, two were divorced and neither was in a new dating relationship. Eleven had 4-year university degrees or more advanced degrees, while eight had 2-year university degrees, and one had a high school diploma. The womens occupations showed a larger variety than the mens. Only one was retired; eleven were full-time housewives without paid employment, while two were business executives, and two more were university lecturers. The other four were a physician, a screenwriter, a self-employed businesswoman, and an instructor of Noh. I also interviewed professionals such as physicians and sexologists
3

With the exception of government officials and other public figures whose names and behavior are a matter of public record, the names and identifying details of all of my informants have been changed. This is meant to ensure confidentiality and protect the anonymity of the individuals, families, and institutions involved. Where necessary, certain other identifiable details have been altered slightly to better protect the identities of these individuals. All Japanese names are written according to Japanese practice, with the surname first, except if the person publishes in English, in which case the given name appears first. All translations from Japanese to English are mine unless otherwise indicated.

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

153

involved in the field of sexual medicine and others whose professional experience could provide a window into the sexual relationships of older couples. All interviews were conducted in Japanese, tape-recorded, and later transcribed. Content analysis of the interview revealed several recurring themes. This article presents these themes by focusing first on the mens narratives, and then turning to the womens narratives. Wherever possible, I present extended segments of interview material in order to provide a sense of the individuality and personality of the person who was interviewed.

Mens Narratives In the following sections, I present case studies that call attention to the ways in which men narrated their sexual lives. These case studies were selected from the larger set of interview material because they illustrate recurring themes that came up in the interviews. These themes are as follows: the presence of infidelity in early stages of marriage and its decline as men grew older; second, a conviction that sexual desire continues to be an important barometer of wellbeing in late life even if it is not channeled into sexual acts; and third, the increased thoughtfulness men expressed toward their wives and new partners in later life, a thoughtfulness spurred in part by a sense of regret about their extra-marital relationships at earlier stages of their lives. I focus in particular on the story of Igarashi Naoki, but also introduce two other men to highlight core themes from my interviews with men. Marital infidelity In their ethnography of Suye Village, Robert Smith and Ella Wiswell (1983) found that there is no romance in marriage, only affection and certain obligations; furthermore, all sexual pleasure is gotten in extramarital relations, and on that score (of sexual pleasure) the wife simply does not count (1983:178). Similarly, Ronald Dore (1994:168) found that philandering was not often the trouble in Japanese marriages; the bigger source of complaint in marriage was temperamental incompatibility. More recently, Merry White (1994:194) has noted that sexuality in Japan has three arenas of expression: physical passion in and out of marriage, socially approved pairings such as marriage, and romantic fantasies. Moreover, the separation of these three arenas is culturally approved. In short, there is a common theme in the literature on Japanese marriage that marital infidelity is both normal and expected. Of my male interviewees, 25% stated openly they had engaged in extra-marital sexual activity. Others intimated that they had done so but did not state it explicitly. Meanwhile, none of my sample of 20 female respondents stated they had engaged in extra-marital sexual activity. My findings are comparable with survey results carried out on the topic of infidelity. Japans National Broadcasting Corporation (NHK) conducted a nationwide survey with a sample of 2,100 adults aged 16 to 69. They asked married respondents whether they had ever engaged in extra-marital sexual activity. Among those in their 60s, 18% of men, and 2% of women, reported they had (NHK 2002:243). Among men and women in their 50s, 17% of men and 4% of women reported they had, and among men in their 40s, 16% of men and 5% of women reported they had. A separate nationwide study of sexuality conducted by Araki Chineko and colleagues (Araki et al. 2002: 181) also investigated the incidence of marital infidelity among respondents, but in the past 12 months. Of those aged 65 to 69, 9.8% of men and 0% of women reported sexual activity with someone other than their spouse in the past 12 months. Among those in the

154

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

age group 60 to 64, the numbers were 12% of men and 0% of women.4 My research findings and survey data together indicate that the rate of incidence of marital infidelity is significantly higher among men than women at all age cohorts. The survey findings also suggest that the practice of marital infidelity may be shifting among younger cohorts of Japanese as more married women engage in extramarital sexual activity. At 67, Igarashi Naoki, a self-employed physician, continued to run a successful medical practice in downtown Tokyo. He had been married to his wife Hiroko for 39 years. They had been friends in childhood and met in an evacuation camp during the Second World War. He fell in love with Hiroko because she was beautiful, gentle, and kind. Yet he was unable to find sexual fulfillment with his wife, whom he felt did not share his interest in sexual activity. It would be untrue to say I didnt develop an interest in other women [laughs softly]. In the past, frankly speaking, I wanted to protect this place [waving his arm in a sweep to point to his house] and I wanted a little more. My friends introduced women to me. I enjoyed being with these women. We usually met on weekdays, because on weekdays I could be late for 2 or 4 hours. All I had to do was call home and say a patient needed extra help. But not on the weekends. My lovers said they hated the weekends, because I was not available to them. I asked Naoki whether he thought his wife knew of his sexual affairs. He replied, Do you know the expression, Water is pure (mizu kiyoshi)? It means, if we dont look at dirty things, then we see things as pure. Its partial perception. Maybe she knew, maybe she did not know. Still, reflecting further, Naoki stated that his wife may have known but had never confronted him directly. I once went on a skiing trip with two women and my 11-year-old son. When the two women were on another ski lift, my son said, Dad, Mom asked me to tell you that she might be mild-tempered, but there are some things that really make her angry. My son was in elementary school then. It was a shock to have him say these words. This was all he said, but I realized then that my wife had asked him to tell me she was unhappy that I was taking our son along on my affairs. When asked whether he thought his wife had affairs of her own, he replied: She didnt show any interest in other men, as far as I can remember. I dont think women in general have such a strong sexual desire. I dont think they seek an outlet for sex in the way men do. I wonder if an outlet for womens sexual desire really exists. Naoki expressed regret about the way he interacted with his lovers: I was very uni-directional in my younger years. This was not just with my wife but with the women I had affairs with. Whenever I saw a problem emerging or could see no way for the relationship to go forward without jeopardizing my marriage, I would get out of the relationship.
4 In the age group 5559, 10% of men and 3.8% of women reported they engaged in sexual activity with someone other than their spouse. In the age group 5054, 6% of men and 3% of women reported they had engaged in sexual activity with someone other than their spouse (Araki et al. 2002:181).

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

155

Sexual desire and longevity Naoki noted that as he entered his 50s his opportunities for sexual affairs had diminished. The decline had to do with a shift in the balance of power in his marriage, after the death of his parents. From the time they married, the couple had lived with his parents on the same plot of land. The younger couple had lived in their own house, but Naokis parents had lived adjacent to them, and each day Hiroko prepared meals for everyone. Eventually, she was the primary caregiver for them as they became frail. Only after both of Naokis parents died was Hiroko able to assert more of her opinions and speak to him directly about various issues, including her displeasure with his affairs. I realized when I entered my late 50s that in order to have a full-blown relationship with another woman, I had to be resigned to the possibility of divorce. Now I realize that I wont be able to find a partner who is suited to me like my wife. While Naoki accepted the fact that his marriage was more important than having sexual affairs, he stated that maintaining sexual desire and potency was important to his life. As I get older, I experience a stronger and stronger desire to maintain sexual capacity, because it connects up with ones confidence as a man. If we lose that, passion towards work will decline. With decline in sexual capacity, men lose the will to live. Another man who helps to show why sexual desire remains important in later life was the retired civil servant, Kato Shigehisa. At 88, he was older than the other men I interviewed, but his case helps to highlight the link men made between sexual desire and vitality. When asked what the secrets to his longevity were, Shigehisa replied, Its extraordinarily simple. I have just one, and anyone can do it but most people dont: chew thirty times per mouthful. He explained that his careful chewing had helped him remain free of colds, and that he was mentally very lucid and wrote poetry each morning. He added that considering his 88 years, he had extremely healthy sexual desire (seiyoku). But the problem was that his wife would not have sex with him. Just at the crucial moment, she wont open her legs. Im very frustrated sexually. His wife had a sore hip and was less mobile than he and was not able to engage in sexual relations with him. The couple lived with their grown son and daughter-in-law, and grandchildren. To his family, he was the man who wrote poems each day, took walks for his health, and chewed each morsel of food 30 times. That he also tied the chewing of food to the continuation of his sexual vigor is something that his family may not have known. He confided in me that as a resident of a small village where the closest commercial center was only accessible by car, there was no easy way for him to have some fun in the red light district. He no longer drove a car, and he did not want to ask his son to drive him to the red light district in the neighboring village.5 While Shigehisa was somewhat regretful about not being able to engage in sexual activity, his interpretation of his predicament was not entirely negative. I am very pleased that I still have a sexual appetite. It is a sign that I am vital. The relationship of sexual desire to the will to live is a strong theme in Tanizaki Junichiros Diary of a Mad Old Man (1962), a novel that tells the story of a 77-year old man who discovers that even after he

Some sex industries cater specifically to elderly men, and they are more readily available in urban areas. See Kobayashi (2000) for a discussion of prostitution services for an elderly male clientele in Tokyo.

156

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

suffers from a stroke, his sexual desire is far from diminished. What Shigehisas case shows is that men view sexual desire as a barometer of health in late life. An expansion of thoughtfulness A small minority of men had new girlfriends after they divorced or their wives died. Kubota Yoshio was a jovial man of 68, an electrician who lost his wife to cancer when he was in his early sixties. He referred with regret to the sexual affairs he had earlier in his life. Its not that I didnt show [my wife] any love. We always slept together in the same futon. Even after we had kids, we made up our minds that the kids were kids, we were a couple. But my eyes would turn outward, toward other women. I dont know about other countries, but [infidelity is] very common in Japan. Many men look to other woman soon after they marryin search of something new. I met women when I went to bars..... There are always things a man feels guilty about. When I did something bad and wanted my wife to be kind to me, I called her mom rather than by her name which was Yukiko....But I continued to have affairs. The practice of referring to spouses using the terms mother or mom and father or dad was until recently quite common in Japanese families, although this is changing (Alexy 2009:3). Yoshio found a new girlfriend a few years after his wife died: a middle school classmate whom he met at a reunion for the first time in 51 years. Yoshio was so happy about his new relationship that he claimed he almost forgot about his children and grandchildren when he was with his girlfriend. He was very devoted to her and noted a difference in his ability show consideration for his girlfriend: Whats different about love in my 60s and love in my 20s? Its totally different. At this age, I can really think about my partner. Before, I was much more concerned with having the woman look toward me and take care of me. At 68, I feel like my feelings of thoughtfulness for my partner have become much stronger. The physician, Naoki, also claimed that as he got older, his wifes happiness had become a primary concern for him. He took Hiroko on trips and claimed he felt genuinely happy when his wife was happy or was enjoying herself. Similarly, Ingersoll-Dayton et al. (1996) trace a rise in Japanese mens displays of affection toward their wives in later life. They found several factors associated with this shift, including mens increased awareness of how infidelity and emotional distance at earlier stages of their marriages had adversely affected their marriages. Sometimes the experience of illness in later life brought men closer to their wives. Also, they had more opportunity to show affection after the death of older members of the extended household, especially mothers-in-law who had dominated their sons and expressed irritation when their sons showed affection to their daughters-in-law. Thus, the three general themes that emerge are declining marital infidelity, awareness that sustaining sexual desire is still important, and an expanded ability to be considerate of wives and partners in late life.

Womens Narratives In the following sections, I present case studies that call attention to the ways in which women narrated their sexual lives. These case studies were selected from the larger set of interview material because they illustrate recurring themes that came up in the interviews

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

157

and show the transformation in the sexual lives and gendered subjectivities in women as they grew older. Focusing in particular on the account of Hiroko, Naokis wife, but also introducing the narratives of two other women, I draw out four themes: performance of restraint was an integral part of womens construction of a feminine sexuality in their early married years; the experience of mens infidelity may have accelerated the womens disinterest in sexual activity; over time the marital relationship became one of siblingship; and the few women who spoke about the continuing presence of sexual desire were either divorced or single and were not in a marital relationship. Performing restraint I will preface my discussion of themes in womens narratives by noting a large disjunction in men and womens volubility in discussing sex in the interviews. While men were forthcoming and spoke freely about their sexual lives, women were on the whole reserved. They rarely referred directly to sex. Instead of using words such as sexual relations (sei seikatsu) or sex (sekkusu), they used words such as it (sore), those things (s iu koto), those kinds of relations (s iu kankei), or relations between men and women (danjo kankei). Many admitted that they found it hard to talk to me or their women friends about sexual experiences, claiming it was vulgar to do so. As one woman, aged 69, stated, We women have been taught to portray an exterior that says I have no such desires and use a paint roller to wash over and smooth over an inkling of such desires. To talk about sex is seen as immodest, even with our husbands. Another woman, aged 52, stated, Sex is not something that is bad or dirty. But its considered a virtue for women to not talk about or display any interest in sex. Some of the women acknowledged that at times in the early years of marriage they had sought and even initiated sexual intimacy. But it was important to exercise enormous constraint in communicating sexual desire. One mode of communicating sexual interest that came up in the interviews was preparing special symbolic dishes for the evening meal such as broiled abalone (awabi). Abalone, a shellfish that is highly prized in Japan, carries a symbolic value of sexual fecundity, as does the spraying surf clam (shiofuki) and the corbicula (shijimi) (Cherry 1987). While the abalone is not considered an aphrodisiac in the sense that oysters are in some cultures, it is a food that some women used to communicate to their husbands that they were desirous of having sexual relations. Another form of communication some women used was a special cushion they would place strategically on the futon mattress at night to indicate to their spouses that they were interested in having sexual relations. Women laughed as they recounted these memories, adding that its only because Ive come to this stage in life that I can talk about these things so openly. They also spoke of these instances as if they were part of the distant past of their marriages. Marital infidelity I interviewed Igarashi Hiroko, Naokis wife, separately from her husband and asked her to describe the history of her sexual experience in marriage. I found it embarrassing. I think its unnecessary to do those things. I didnt want him to touch my body....I still find [sexual intimacy] gross, not just in public but even in the privacy of our bedroom. If Naoki heard me, hed be cross with me. But I felt we didnt need a lot of sex. Hiroko did not mention anything about her husbands affairs. But she intimated that she had known about them and that they had been part of the reason that her approach to

158

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

sexual activity, if not to sexual desire and attraction to other men, had become thwarted. The distinction between sexual activity and sexual desire became clearer when we talked about her marital history. When I asked her whether she had had an affair she replied: No. Because I think its the wrong thing. I feel strongly I shouldnt seek another partner.... Its not that I havent met attractive men. But both of us were married. When I think about the household, I pull back. I feel I shouldnt seek another partner. Reflecting a bit further, she added, With men, perhaps its the impulse of the moment. They act before thinking. Hiroko continued: These days my husband says that he wants to do things that make me and the children happy. Thats what he says. I wish it were the truth. Nozue Etsuko, a prominent obstetrician-gynecologist in Tokyo who for over 20 years wrote a regular column for the major womens magazine, Shufu no Tomo (The Housewifes Companion) shed further light on this issue. I had initially approached her to find out whether or not her patients described discomfort in sexual relations around the time of menopause.6 Nozue acknowledged that the cessation of the menstrual cycle produces hormonal changes that produce discomfort for women during sexual intercourse, but she claimed it would be misleading to correlate the end of sexual relations in Japanese marriage with the end of menstruation. Based on her extensive clinical work, and many years of serving as a columnist on sexual matters, she said many of her patients had stopped having sex with their husbands well before menopause. Many wives did not want their husbands to get near their bodies because they had been having multiple affairs with other women. This was by no means the only factor; she also noted cramped apartments, cohabitation with parents and children, and fatigue from work. But in her view, the husbands marital infidelity accelerated the womens disinterest in sexual activity. The women rarely spoke about incidences of infidelity in their own marriages, but sometimes they spoke in the third person, intimating that the sexual affairs of their husbands were a deterrent to sexual activity. This sense of withdrawal was palpable in their body language, in the form of pinched looks on their faces. One woman, Wajima Etsuko (age 65, an executive) finally said: It is difficult to put this into words. Women find it hard to take a man seriously when he has been having a lot of affairs. Its easier to separate oneself from the sexual relationship and to see the husband as a desexualized being. The contrast in the comments by Hiroko and Naoki is noteworthy. It is clear that as much was being communicated in what she was not saying as was being obscured by what Naoki was saying. In his narrative, we see the imposition of a partial truth: water is pure. In other words, Naoki pretended not to know of his wifes pretending not to know about their infidelity. Michael Taussigs idea of the public secret is particularly apposite in capturing this situation. Taussig (1999:2) describes the public secret as a situation that is generally known but for one reason or another cannot be easily articulated. It is about knowing what not to know in a social arena where the reality of illusion serves the social contract (Taussig 1999:144). Infidelity in the sexual lives of married couples, a manifestation of gender asymmetry in Japanese society, is a public secret. Wives are
6

Author interview with Nozue Etsuko, obstetritian-gynecologist, in Tokyo, August 12, 2004.

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

159

frequently aware of their husbands infidelity but pretend not to notice, or to divert attention from rather than confront it. Mens coming clean about infidelity with a wife or even allowing open conversation about it would have threatened to bring conflict not only into the marital relationship but also into the intergenerational relationships in which these couples found themselves. Yet, this silence creates an abjection and alienation at the heart of some marriages. Womens withdrawal from marital sexual relationships has to do with in part with this sense of distance arising from the unspoken fact of infidelity, a pregnant silence that tends to drive spouses apart sexually and to lead to the sense that a marital relationship is akin to that of siblinghood. We are like Brother and Sister Women did not interpret the waning of sexual relations with wistfulness or a sense of loss or regret. They were more inclined to explain that this decline was a natural part of the aging process. With age, other relationships, especially with women friends, began to give women greater fulfillment. Together, they enjoyed the embodied pleasures of soaking in steamy hot springs and savoring delicious regional delicacies. The preference for homosocial gatherings was a strong theme in my focus group discussions with women. They were eager to travel with their women friends and to come and go freely from their homes. Being with their husbands did not give them a sense of feeling enlivened, in the way that some of the husbands seemed to want from them. Mayumi, a vivacious, 63-year-old woman whom I met at a high school reunion, explained she was not interested in physical sexual relations with her husband. Constitutionally (taishitsutekini), we no longer feel the need for sexual relations. Especially at our age, we dont feel the desire for sex. Besides, we dont have any romantic feelings for our husbands. I asked Mayumi what she meant by constitutionally. Its partly due to what people eat. Japanese eat a lot of vegetables, unlike Americans, who eat a lot of meat. This probably influences the relative degree of sexual appetite. The reference to diet as one reason why Japanese women and men have a low appetite for sexual relations came up in other contexts as well. Even physicians whom I spoke to on related topics mentioned that there must be some dietary reason for the light or weak (tanpaku) sexual appetite of Japanese women.7 But Mayumis next words added a new dimension to the idea of constitution, which she had thus far discussed as something physiological. The constitution could also be formed by the kind of husbands weve had. If I had been married to a man who said every day that he found me beautiful and that he loved me, then maybe things would be different now. But spouses in Japan are like brother and sister. We dont interact as a romantic couple. Mayumi elaborated on the sibling-like relationship she shared with her husband. She thought him to be an endearing if confounded irritation, one with whom she had a physically intimate relationship that was something other than sexual. To illustrate the feeling of affection she felt towards him, she recounted the following incident. One day I was making something in the oven. The phone rang so I turned the oven off, but forgot to turn off the timer that Id set to beep when the dish was ready. While I was speaking on the phone, the timer went off, and my husband came into the
7

Author interview with Dr. Takahashi Yoshiatsu, internist, in Tokyo, February 2, 2005.

160

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

kitchen and turned the oven dial on. When I got off the phone, the food was charred. I was furious with him but he claimed he was helping me in the kitchen. Mayumi said hotly that there was a big difference between turning the heat off and turning it on. She was so angry that when her husband went to the toilet, she went after him, yanked open the door, and spanked him with a fly swatter. Evoking the sound of a fly swatter hitting his flesh, she said, I hit him whack, whack, whack, whack! (Pen, pen, pen, pen to yatteyatta no!) See, because he was using the toilet, he wasnt able to go anywhere. So I grabbed that moment to give him a piece of my mind. Such an intimate act would not have been possible in her earlier years, when Mayumi was far more restrained in interacting with her husband. She had grown in boldness in later life, barging into her husbands private use of the bathroom. In fact, that space of the bathroom was not private and belonged to her too. Although the above level of camaraderie suggests that Mayumi is intimate with her husband, it does not take the shape of a sexual relationship. Whither desire? A small number of women I interviewed were single or divorced. One such woman was Yuriko, a screenwriter, age 60. We met in a large restaurant in central Tokyo in the late afternoon. I mentioned to Yuriko the findings by Araki and her colleagues, that 75% of women over age 50 stop having sexual activity. She replied, I cant believe Japanese women wish to throw away being a woman (onna o sutetai to wa shinjirarenai). I think these answers are completely wrong. The truth is different. They still have those feelings. Yuriko had a quiet manner about her, but she spoke forcefully when asserting that Japanese women do continue to have those feelings. She proceeded to invoke the story of a dialogue that Ooka Echizen, a famous Edo-period magistrate who lived in the seventeenth century during the Tokugawa period (16031868), had with his elderly mother. One day, Ooka asked his mother until what age women continued to desire sexual relations. Ookas mother, who was sitting by a brazier, picked up the rod for stirring the coals to keep the embers burning. Not saying a word, she stirred the coals slowly, going around and around. The woman continued to remain silent, but simply stirred the coals in the brazier. Ooka surmised that his mother was so taken aback by the question that she could not say anything. Yet, later it dawned on him what his mother had in fact tried to communicate: women continued to feel the embers of desire for sexual relations until they turn, like the coals, to ash (Nakae 2005:101102). The dialogue between Ooka and his mother is understood to have been stimulated by a legal proceeding that Ooka was asked to adjudicate involving a 67-year-old woman who was accused of committing adultery. Under feudal law, a woman found guilty of having sexual relations with a person other than her husband had committed a crime that was to be punished by execution. Edo-period law assigned both adulterous women and their lovers the death penalty (Tsuji 1964; Stanley 2007). There were exceptions, however. Other punishments for adultery included banishment or exile from the village and sale into servitude. The penalty varied according to circumstance and according to who the parties were. For instance, one of the harshest executions in the 17th century was carried out on an adulterous woman and her lover, who had been her husbands servant (Nakae 2005). Ooka Echizen was a long-running historical drama on prime-time Japanese television that was broadcast from 1970 to 1999. In total, 402 episodes were broadcast. Most episodes about Ooka Echizen are understood to be based only partially on historical fact (Ooishi

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

161

1974). There is thus some debate as to whether this dialogue really took place. But what seems crucial to point out is that a number of women I interviewed found it noteworthy to mention. They drew inspiration from this show to argue that women continue to have those feelings in later life. Perhaps, even more illuminating, given the larger discussion of the decline in womens interest in marital sexuality, is that Yuriko and two other women who invoked this story were unmarried or had been divorced. Even though none of them were interested in getting married, they used this story of Ooka Echizen to assert that womens sexual sensibility remains, regardless of whether or not they are in a relationship, and that women retain this sensibility until they turn to ash. Unmarried women spoke of sexuality and the ongoing capacity for sexual relations in these move evocative, open-ended terms. They were more interested in the topic and spoke with hope and possibility. It seems that unmarried women thought of sexual desire as a potential form of romantic relationality rather than in terms of the gender dynamics of everyday life in the household, which had turned the marital relationship into one of siblinghood.

Discussion It is arguably easier for ethnographers researching sexuality to interview people of the same gender than of the opposite gender. My own experience of interviewing men about their sexual experiences was in some ways easier than that of interviewing women about theirs. Men were forthcoming, voluble, and articulate in conveying their sexual biographies. Compared to women, they were more accustomed to speaking about their sexual experiences and embodying an active sexuality as part of their identity. Affairs were a normal part of their sexual biographies. As one man said, I cant think of a single male friend of mine including myself who has not had an affair. Men actively sought opportunities to have affairs with women they met at their workplace or with other women introduced to them by their male friends. Reference to extramarital affairs was not limited to men of a particular occupation; I found that it cut across occupations. Mens active interest in asserting the importance of sexual relations may have been shaped in part by the interview encounter with me. The fact that a female researcher over 30 years their junior showed interest in learning about their sexual lives may have led men to exaggerate the sexual pursuits of their younger years and to brag about their sexual experiences. Indeed, as Paulla Ebron (2002:136) aptly notes in her study of male Jali performers in Gambia, interviews can often turn into dramatic expositions of self. They are rarely simply repositories of information. Still, I would argue that the performance of a sexually active and interested self is an index of the far higher level of public sexual expression permitted to men than to women. While men of this generation were encouraged to express their sexuality quite publicly through consumption of sexual services and commodities, and tacitly through extramarital affairs, women were encouraged to perform their sexuality through restraint. Women were generally much more reserved in their commentaries about sexual relations. They did not refer to having sexual affairs. This may partly be due to the stricter moral codes governing womens expression of sexual desire in public. To openly flaunt a sexualized persona, and furthermore to admit to having sexual affairs, is considered highly taboo. Still, based on the many interviews and informal conversations that I have had with married middle-class women born in the 1930s and 1940s, it is reasonable to state that womens sexual affairs ranged from low to negligible. This means that married couples who lived under the same roof were operating with highly divergent expectations about the

162

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

number of sexual partners they would have. Men expected to engage in sexual activity with multiple sexual partners over the course of their lives, whereas women expected to engage in sexual activity with their husbands. My findings indicate that the incidence of extra-marital sexual relationships declines as men grow older. The decline sometimes had to do with the loss of sexual potency that comes with aging, but more often than not the reasons were reduced opportunities to meet extramarital sexual partners and the shifting balance of power in the marriage which was frequently related to the death of the husbands parents. Consequently, some men redefined their sense of masculinity from that of having multiple sexual partners, to that of paying more attention to their primary female partner s feelings. Reflecting on the impact of extramarital sexuality on their wives, men like Yoshio and Naoki begin to express themselves in new ways and to build thoughtfulness into their relationship with their wives. We see a development in the nature of their desire from acts of doing, possessing, and conquering to those of beholding and considering what will give happiness to their partner. I believe this shift in desire develops not simply out of a sense of guilt or a fear of divorce that men like Naoki feel with age but a genuine sense of the preciousness of his wife that emerged only as he grew older (Gaita 2007:7; Epstein 2005). The womens stories are far more complex. From their perspective, sexual relationships were not important, and the marital relationship was more about siblinghood in later life. While they felt affection toward their husbands, they expressed this affection through play and camaraderie rather than through sexual intimacy. For Hiroko, and women like her, the incidence of sexual infidelity in her marriage seems also to have created a lingering sense of mistrust about her husbands intentions and doubt about the authenticity of his desire to make her happy. Using in-depth analysis of life history interviews, this article has traced the transformation of marital relationships and the changing sexual lives of older women and men. I argue that future research on the sexuality of older persons should use the method of life history interviews to enrich our understanding of the complex relationship between sexuality, gender, and aging. Although survey data are valuable, they rarely provide insight into the reasons behind the decline in interest in sexual activity among older persons or into the gender norms that influence women and men to perform their sexuality in particular ways. It is also important that future research continue to make room for an analysis of sexual desire as something that is related to but distinct from sexual activity.
Acknowledgements I gratefully acknowledge the support of the Japan Foundation and the Wenner-Gren Foundation for funding my field research in Japan. I wish to thank Mary Zournazi for inviting me to present a portion of this article in the Works in Progress seminar at the University of New South Wales. Special thanks to Ruth Campbell, Demelza Marlin, and Andrew Metcalfe for offering important suggestions for improving the article. I have also benefited from many insightful comments from two anonymous reviewers at the Journal of Cross-Cultural Gerontology.

References
Alexy, A. (2009). How families threaten marriages: Selfhood, intimacy, and divorce risk in contemporary Japan. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the Association for Asian Studies, Chicago, Illinois. Allison, A. (1994). Nightwork: Sexuality, pleasure, and corporate masculinity in a Tokyo hostess club. Chicago: University of Chicago Press. Araki, C., Ishida, M., Okawa, R., Kaneko, K., Horiguchi, S., Horiguchi, M., et al. (Eds.) (2002). Karada to Kimochi: Midoru Shinia Ban [Body and Feeling: Middle Senior Edition]. Tokyo: Sangokan.

J Cross Cult Gerontol (2010) 25:149163

163

Bornoff, N. (1991). Pink samurai: Love, marriage, and sex in contemporary Japan. London: Grafton Books. Butler, J. (1990). Gender trouble. Routledge: London and New York. Cherry, K. (1987). Womansword: What Japanese words say about women. Tokyo and New York: Kodansha International. De Lauretis, T. (1987). Technologies of gender: Essays on theory, film, and fiction. Bloomington: Indiana University Press. Dore, R. (1994). Shinohata: A portrait of a Japanese village. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press. Ebron, P. (2002). Performing Africa. Princeton,: Princeton University Press. Epstein, M. (2005). Open to desire: The truth about what the Buddha taught. New York: Gotham Books. Gaita, R. (2007). The pedagogical power of love. http://alumni.cfsnc.org/?page=PedagogicalPowerof. Accessed August 13, 2009. Gutmann, M. (1997). Trafficking in men: the anthropology of masculinity. Annual Review of Anthropology, 26, 385409. Helfaer, P. (1998). Sex and self-respect: The quest for personal fulfillment. London: Praeger Publishers. Hirsch, J. (2003). A courtship after marriage: Sexuality and love in Mexican transnational families. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press. Ingersoll-Dayton, B., Campbell, R., Kurokawa, Y., & Saito, M. (1996). Separateness and togetherness: interdependence over the life course in Japanese and American marriages. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 13(3), 385398. Katz, S., & Marshall, B. (2003). New sex for old: lifestyle, consumerism, and the ethics of aging well. Journal of Aging Studies, 17, 316. Kobayashi, T. (2000). Jukunen Sei Kakumei [Senior sexual revolution]. Tokyo: Bungei Shunju. Laumann, E. O., Paik, A., Glasser, D., Kang, J-H., Wang, F., Levinson, B., et al. (Eds.) (2006). A crossnational study of subjective sexual well-being among older women and men: Findings from the global study of sexual attitudes and behaviors. Archives of Sexual Behavior 35(2):145161. Marshall, B. (2002). Hard science: gendered constructions of sexual dysfunction in the viagra age.. Sexualities, 5(2), 131158. Marsiglio, W., & Greer, R. A. (1994). A gender analysis of older mens sexuality. In E. H. Thompson (Ed.), Older mens lives (pp. 122140). Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications. Nakae, K. (2005). Edo no Sei [Sex in Edo]. Tokyo: Kawade Shobo. NHK (Japan Broadcasting Corporation). (2002). Nihonjin no Sei Kd Sei Ishiki (Japanese sexual behavior and sexual attitudes). Tokyo: Nihon Hs Shuppan Kykai. Ooishi, S. (1974). Ooka Echizen Tadasuke. (Ooka Echizen Tadasuke) Tokyo: Iwanami Shoten. Parker, R. G. (1999). Beneath the Equator: Cultures of desire, male homosexuality, and emerging gay communities in Brazil. New York: Routledge. Pringle, R. (1992). Absolute sex? Unpacking the sexuality/gender relationship. In R. W. Connell, & G. Dowsett (Eds.), Rethinking sex: Social theory and sexuality research. Melbourne: Melbourne University Press. Richie, D. (2001). The Donald Richie reader: 50 years of writing on Japan. Compiled and edited by A. Silva. Berkeley: Stone Bridge Press. Schiavi, R. (1999). Aging and male sexuality. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. Schill, W.-B., Kohn, F.-M., & Haidl, G. (1994). The aging male. In G. Berg & M. Hammar (Eds.), The modern management of menopause: A perspective for the 21st century (pp. 545566). New York: Parthenon Publishing Group. Shea, J. (2005). Sexual liberation and the older woman in contemporary mainland China. Modern China, 31(1), 133. Smith, R. J., & Wiswell, E. L. (1983). The women of Suye Mura. Chicago: University of Chicago Press. Stanley, A. (2007). Adultery, punishment, and reconciliation in Tokugawa Japan. Journal of Japanese Studies, 33(2), 309335. Tanizaki, J. (1991 [1962]). Ften Rjin Nikki [Diary of a mad old man]. New York: Vintage. Taussig, M. (1999). Defacement: Public secrecy and the labor of the negative. Stanford: University of California Press. Tiefer, L. (2007). Sexuopharmacology: A fateful new element in sexual scripts. In M. Kimmel (Ed.), The sexual self: The construction of sexual scripts (pp. 239248). Nashville: Vanderbilt University Press. Tsuji, T. (1964). Ooka Echizen: Meibugyou no Kyozou to Jitsuzou [Ooka Echizen: The myth and the reality of the Brilliant Magistrate]. Tokyo: Chu Kron Shinsha. White, M. (1994). The material child: Coming of age in Japan and America. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press.

Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission.