Thomas 1 Thomas Gilliam Mrs.

Raymond English 1103 2 September 2013 Losing My Religion My family had never really been very involved with the church. We were Christians though. Well, maybe a more accurate description would be that we were Muricun Christians. We never went to Church except on random occasions and of course holidays. Whenever my awkward-self did go to church, I found myself feeling isolated. Any friends I met in the youth groups usually werent there the next time. It didnt help that I went to the earliest youth service, which is not when most of the people I had managed to meet went. My point of this ramble is that my involvement in the church up through the first couple of years in high school was at a minimum and when I did go I was discouraged from coming back due to the awkwardness of the whole situation. During my junior year, however, I concluded there was something missing in my life. I began to debate whether or not I should be more religious. Perhaps being more active in church would benefit me. The idea that the Christian god was real had been hammered into my head as small child, so I still believed it was true. I certainly didnt want to go to hell. I remember praying to God when my parents divorced and then again when I thought we were going to have to move because my mom couldnt afford the house due to my dad not paying child support. I convinced myself that even though God had helped me out in the past, I hadnt

Thomas 2 remained loyal to him. I felt guilty, and I was disappointed with myself. Funny how I only went to God when I needed something. A couple weeks went by and then something ridiculous occurred. During one day in art class, this girl named Aria came up to me and said that God had come to her in a dream telling her that He had big plans for me. . Okay.Lets pause for a moment. Do you realize what just happened? I start debating on becoming more religious and then this chick comes up to me and gives me a freaking sign from the big man himself! Right? I mean that seems to be what just happened. This is real life still, right? No movie crap, right? RIIIIIIIIGHT?!?!? Give me a second to slap myself in the face. Okaythis does appear to be reality. Hmmmm... Are we all good? Cool. Back to the story. Anywaaaaay, I sat there dumbfounded to the maximum as I struggled to even respond to the madness. We ended up talking for the rest of class, and I came to the conclusion that I had to be more religious. So I went to Arias church a few times, and experienced for the first time a religious high. I also started going to my church more and reading the bible dailyor almost daily anyway. At this point in time, junior year was over and it was about half-way through the summer. Life seemed good. I had made some key changes in my lifestyle. For example, instead of listening to metalcore, (a subgenre of metal involving heavy screaming vocals and guitar breakdowns) I was listening to Christian metalcore! And while that seems silly, I did take religion seriously. I didnt like how people would call themselves Christians and then curse and not act Christian outside of the church. So I changed what I listened to. I didnt change the kind of music, but I changed the lyrical content. No more cursing, and only positive

Thomas 3 messages relating to God. However, as the summer dragged on, something else was about to change. The roller coaster ride called religion was about to end. I had reached my peak and the roller coaster was ready to descend down rapidly. The religious highs became less impactful, because the next day I would analyze what had happened and realize it wasnt as great as it seemed. I was very honest with myself when it came to religion. I wanted to be as involved as possible. I knew I had to be honest with my observations. Plus, literally every Christian believed in something different. I didnt know, when it came to the details, what to believe. Should gays be allowed to get married? I certainly thought so, but some people disagreed. Was homosexuality really a sin? It didnt make any sense to me why they shouldnt have equal rights? But was that because I had been influenced by sin? Was it me that wasnt making sense or was it what I was believing in? I wanted to be the best Christian I could be, but despite this belief originating from the divine absolution from the supposed creator of existence, there was nothing absolute about the religion. Everyone took the bible either more literally or more allegorically than everyone else, and no one believed in the same thing. I started to realize this may not be for me. Everyone around me seemed to just be molding the beliefs to fit them. The bible gave them comfort. I mean Aria had come up to me and said, God has big plans for you. That statement gave me confidence and a sense of purpose. Regardless of whether or not its true, I was willing to believe it because of how it impacted my emotions and mental state. I knew I couldnt continue living life seeing what I wanted to see and hearing what I wanted to hear. I needed to open my mind and see what I saw and hear what I heard. This was the key difference I had been lacking. I didnt want to accept reality. I wanted a crutch to put

Thomas 4 my insecurities and fears on, instead of facing life myself. From a scientific standpoint, we have no idea how or why we exist and we dont know for sure what happens when we die. We are incredibly ignorant. From a religious standpoint, we know exactly how and why we got here and we know that when we die we dont actually die. That is a pretty convenient way to lift the burden of death off ones shoulders. Religion had given me hope and comfort, and thats all it did. I believed in all this stuff because of how it made me feel. I felt like I was a part of something and that I actually had a purpose. And then the wheels stopped. My mind was made up. At least for now, I couldnt be a man of faith.

Thank you for riding the Christianity Coaster. Have a nice day.

By the time senior year started you could call me an atheist without me disagreeing. My experience in religion caused me to question things and look at things objectively. I began asking why about almost everything. My writing began to change. I wanted to make meaningful writing. No more silly stories. I wanted to speak my mind. I wanted to question everything. I wanted to pursue truth, knowing very well that I may never get an answer. I needed to discover myself on my own terms, and I could no longer allow myself to try to fit the molds of everyone else without proper reasoning. As my interest in religion died, my interest in philosophy was born. It was time to interrogate the entire worldincluding myself.