COACHING i n t e r n a t i o n a l

NUGGET

Empowering you to Empower Others!

ILS EMPOWER Jigsaws

Learning Objectives
All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear. Byron Katie

What are Jigsaws?

? Understand what

Jigsaws are Have an ? overview of Jigsaws as a self coaching and coaching process See why we use ? Jigsaws Comprehend ? how to use Jigsaws

When we go to war with aspects of our nature, with thoughts, feelings or qualities, we transform the perfect circle of our wholeness into a jigsaw. Our wholeness is always the truth, but we superimpose a mental jigsaw with our judgements and limiting beliefs about what we decide is "good" and "bad" in ourselves and others. The indentations of the jigsaw are what we suppress. They are mental landmines, and are also our emotional "buttons". Most relationship problems are about pushing each other's buttons. We seek relationships out of need to attempt to complete ourselves, to fill the jigsaw indents. We even use language like 'this person completed me'. But it's a tricky situation when we need others to complete our jigsaw because when they do, they also press our buttons! Without them, we feel our mental jigsaws emptiness, and with them we feel the pain of their triggering the mental landmines that we have buried within our personalities. Why do we use Jigsaws? By understanding the jigsaw dynamic of relationships, we give ourselves the knowledge to return to the truth, which is that we are whole and complete and not jigsaws! We actually don't need others to fulfil us. No one can make us happy, that's our job! And equally true, we actually can't make anyone else happy, that's their job. But we don't always live like this. We blame others for not being the way we want them to be, to fit our inner jigsaw needs. And then we blame others for pushing our buttons, when they are 'our buttons'. Free yourself from depending on jigsaw relationships! And discover the only true fulfilment of your wholeness. How do we use Jigsaws? We have a useful exercise called the AA exercise. AA stands for "aggravation" and "adoration". 1. Identify which qualities aggravate you in others. List them. 2. Identify which qualities you adore in others. List them. 3. Now for each quality on your list write the opposite word for each down as well. Example, if you wrote that 'loudness' irritates you, then the opposite could be 'quietness'. Choose words that work for you, not necessarily that are technical opposites. 4. For each quality that you are aggravated by in others, contemplate the questions to follow on the next page.

Written by Colleen-Joy Page Copyright 2011 www.innerlifeskills.com

COACHING i n t e r n a t i o n a l

NUGGET

Empowering you to Empower Others!

ILS EMPOWER Jigsaws part 1

Learning Objectives
All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear. Byron Katie

Ask yourself these questions for the aggravate list:

? Comprehend
? How am I at war with this same judged quality

how to use Jigsaws continued

in myself?
? How am I projecting my inner war with this

quality onto others?

? If I was not judging this quality in myself, how

would I behave when I saw it in others?

? How can I end this struggle with this quality? ? How can I stop judging this quality? ? What could the positive intention behind that

quality be? In other words, what good thing is that quality trying to bring that I can't see? How is it actually trying to help me? ? What can I do to own these qualities and their opposites in a healthy way? Combine this nugget with the "Positive Intention work from the ILS Kite Coach module. And see the Equal To Qualities nugget, with the Polarity Line work found in the LLL nugget for maximum transformation. The goal is to get equal to all qualities, so that we are equal to them in others. That way we don't have buttons anymore. Next we might want to look at the adore list in the same way. Usually these are qualities that we expect others to be for us and are not fully being for ourselves. Ask yourself these questions for the adore list:
? How can I allow more of these qualities to be present and visible in me? ? What can I do to own these qualities and their opposites in a healthy way? ? How can I remind myself that I am whole, and don't need to have these qualities

supplied from others to be happy? NEED, LACKS, INDENTATIONS The indentations of the jigsaw represents our needs and perceived lacks. They are illusions because we are whole, but when we forget that we are whole, we seek completion in the world. We look to others and to life to supply the things we think will make us whole, the jigsaws to complete our mental jigsaw. When someone or something else gives us our "needed" supply for our jigsaw indents, it's never enough. If we believe we lack love, and try to get it from others, they can never give enough. Like a real drug we'll demand more and more over time. Placing pressure on others and our relationships to give us what we need to feel loveable. All the while we are whole. We are what we seek. Relationships take strain when we seek external sources to fulfil us. It's painful living in a mental jigsaw state. For some it's love, for others it's respect, security, control, worth, safety or peace. When we seek to get qualities from others we lie as jigsaws.

Written by Colleen-Joy Page Copyright 2011 www.innerlifeskills.com

COACHING i n t e r n a t i o n a l

NUGGET

Empowering you to Empower Others!

ILS EMPOWER Jigsaws part 2

Learning Objectives
All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear. Byron Katie

? Comprehend

how to use Jigsaws continued

The jigsaw mind believes that life is transactional and the relationships are the drug suppliers. We get upset when someone stops supplying our drugs. In families, in partnerships, in business teams, relationship problems are always about what we believe others should "be" to make us happy. This is unconsciously our jigsaw. When thoughts or sentences start with "he/she/they SHOULD be X ", then you've found one. We need them to be X for us to be happy. Why not just find X inside of ourselves? When we judge a quality as bad or unwelcome, we are usually craving its opposite. So look at the polarity of qualities needed and qualities judged. The mistake is that we believe we can get these things, these qualities, from others. When factually it is impossible. Love doesn't come from others to fill us; it rises within us if it is free to do so. Happiness isn't supplied by life, it is in us. Respect doesn't get handed over from one to another, it's experienced inside of us because it is a part of us. Peace can't be found only when our external environment is peaceful, because it's not dependent on the outer world it's a quality of being. Living the lie of the mental jigsaw makes relationships extremely painful. We start demanding that others be who we need them to be. When they do, we call it a good relationship, when they don't perform well enough for us to believe that we are getting our drug to fill our intents, we call it a bad relationship and blame them. By honestly listing all the things you hope/wish/expect others to be for you to be happy is how you find your jigsaw. Owning the jigsaw and claiming your wholeness by not waiting for others to supply the 'goodies' and finding them in your being, is when you are free to be who you truly are and to allow others to be themselves as well. Suddenly relationships are based on wholeness and not on jigsaws. Look at the Sunset, Equal To Qualities and Equal To Bridge nuggets as well as the Polarity Line work found in the LLL nugget.

Written by Colleen-Joy Page Copyright 2011 www.innerlifeskills.com