COACHING i n t e r n a t i o n a l

NUGGET

Empowering you to Empower Others!

ILS EMPOWER War zone

Learning Objectives
An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind. Mohandas Gandhi

What is the War zone?

? Understand what

the War zone is Have an ? overview of the War zone as a self coaching and coaching process See why we use ? the War zone Comprehend ? how to use the War zone

Relationship problems are like emotional wars. Whether its tension at work between people, arguments between a parent and child, sibling rivalry, judgements towards a group of people, partnerships going sour, a lover's quarrel or a marriage on the rocks, the wars between people are painful.

Why do we use the War zone? To move from the war zone to the wisdom zone. To find more productive solutions to relationship problems. How do we use the War zone? When we go into a mental war zone, we ready our minds fortress for battle. We all have different styles of war.
? Some do a cold war, becoming withdrawn and icy. ? Some do stealth guerrilla warfare, gaining power in secret covert ways. ? Some do righteous conquering, attacking you for reasons they believe is for your

own good.
? Some do camouflage, you don't realise you have stepped into their territory or

that they are out to get you until it's too late.
? Some do strategic play, like a game some will play their opponents with kindness,

cleverness, ego manipulation or whatever it takes to win.

? Some go nuclear, aggressive, explosive and devastating.

Regardless of your overall strategy, when we go into our mental war zone we all do the following:
? CLOSE ? DEFEND ? ATTACK

CLOSE - we close the draw bridge of our mental fortress. When even a hint of relationship trouble is brewing we close. Instead of being open and connected, we close our hearts and minds. It's painful to close, but the mind thinks that this is a useful way to protect ourselves from relationship pain. DEFEND - we start defending our thoughts and perspectives. We even look for evidence to be right about the war. We make the person or people we are having trouble with, the enemy. We stop seeing anything good about them, only seeing bad, building up reasons to defend and attack. If challenged we become very defensive about the vulnerable parts of our personally that we are trying to protect.

Written by Colleen-Joy Page Copyright 2011 www.innerlifeskills.com

COACHING i n t e r n a t i o n a l

NUGGET

Empowering you to Empower Others!

ILS EMPOWER War zone part 1

Learning Objectives
An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind. Mohandas Gandhi

What do you try to protect?

? Comprehend

how to use the War zone continued

Here are some of the things we try to defend and protect:

? Our need to be peaceful AND our fear of

conflict
? Our need for power AND our fear of being

vulnerable
? Our need to be loved AND our fear of being

unlovable
? Our need to be seen as kind AND of fear of

being rejected
? Our need to be right AND our fear of being

'bad'
? Our need ? Our need ? Our need ? Our need ? Our need ? Our need ? Our need ? Our need

to be in control AND our fear of chaos to be special AND our fear of being ordinary to have information AND our fear of not knowing to be secure AND our fear of being unsafe to be free AND our fear of being trapped to be perfect AND our fear of being less than perfect to be seen as successful AND our fear of being a failure to be emotionally distant AND our fear of being suffocated by emotion

All of these above and more boil down to a DESIRE and FEAR. A desire and fear that we build a SELF IMAGE around, a self-image that we will go to war for. We think we are defending a mental belief about who we are and who we are not, but actually we are defending a bunch of desires and fears. All the needs are minus (jigsaw indentations). So our fortresses are built around the mental jigsaw (see ILS Empower Jigsaw nugget). ATTACK - we attack in different ways, but any attack is an attempt to protect the self image with its needs/desires and linked fears. Here is a list of some of the ways we attack:
? Mental violence -

Thinking, attacking and judgemental thoughts. Kindness - yes, we even attack with kindness trying to get others to stop being a way that we don't like them being; by being kind. Or being kind to get a need fulfilled.
? Covert hostility -

Being slow, sarcastic or using damaging words to attack from the wings rather than directly tackling the problem. Mafia style vengeful and heartless intent to destroy the enemy.
? Prefect -

Criticising, correcting and pointing out the problems and nit picking to get someone to do what is perceived as the "right thing.

Written by Colleen-Joy Page Copyright 2011 www.innerlifeskills.com

COACHING i n t e r n a t i o n a l

NUGGET

Empowering you to Empower Others!

ILS EMPOWER War zone part 2

Learning Objectives
An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind. Mohandas Gandhi

? Manipulation -

? Comprehend

Manoeuvring with whatever technique works to get what is wanted.

? Us and them PR -

how to use the War zone continued

Creating us and them, divides in groups and families and trying to create allies while slowly tearing down the "them" behind their backs.
? Word power

Mocking, judging and pulling down someone with words, either behind their backs or to their face.
? Seduction

Why kill your enemy when you can seduce them? This tactic endeavours to win people over with charisma and bribery.
? Silent treatment

This tactic is cool as ice, withdrawal, being aloof and disconnecting.

? Open warfare -

You see this one coming; it's direct, open and aggressive. What are we defending? To move from the war zone to the wisdom zone, it helps to be conscious about what we are defending. To question the self-image and imagined needs that we are trying to protect. If we know we are whole, we don't seek the list of needs above and neither do we fear not getting what we want. This means that the war ends. The ultimate solution is to discover and own your wholeness. Is this the only way? No. Does war ever produce a positive result? No. Does anyone ever truly win? No.

Written by Colleen-Joy Page Copyright 2011 www.innerlifeskills.com

COACHING i n t e r n a t i o n a l

NUGGET

Empowering you to Empower Others!

ILS EMPOWER War zone part 3

Learning Objectives
An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind. Mohandas Gandhi

War to Wisdom Zone

? Comprehend

how to use the War zone continued

Unlike the war zone, the wisdom zone operates very differently. The wisdom zone is not passive, and neither is it to surrender, in fact it transcends the entire war dynamic. Instead of CLOSE, DEFEND, ATTACK, the wisdom zone operates as:
? OPEN ? OWN ? ACT

OPEN - instead of closing our minds and hearts, we consciously stay open. If you feel an emotional contraction, don't move into plus or minus, look for ways to stay equal to. Question whether closing actually works to protect you emotionally, or whether it creates its own even more damaging results. Closing is a false sense of emotional protection. Question rather than believe the thoughts and beliefs that trigger the war zone response in you. OWN - look at the mirror of the relationships involved. Find your buttons and take ownership of them. Find the polarities (see other ILS nuggets for more) and work with them to collapse the pendulums that are driving your behaviour. ACT - from an equal to position, take action that is honourable and just.

Written by Colleen-Joy Page Copyright 2011 www.innerlifeskills.com