One of her letters: Thanks, Dan. You are so so sweet and that note encouraged me.

:) I don't feel that awkward telling people what's going on in my life, it's just that it's pretty depressing. Along with my $200 ipod being stolen this week, knee surgery that I still recovering from, missing my best friend soooo much, and lacking direction for the future, I have really been struggling with relationship stuff. My boyfriend and I broke up in August because he went away for boarding school....... You don't have to read this unless you want but this is something I sent one of my friends this week about what has been going on with Thomas. (Sorry if it's alot of details, but I like to write. hehe) Last Wednesday I decided to go to youth group. I don't usually go, but I felt like hanging out that day so off I went. Becky had a friend that she wanted me to meet; she said he was soooo attractive and nice. So, I was open to it - I felt like I had finally come to that point of getting over Thomas. I got to youth group and was talking happily to all my friends when one of them grabbed my arm. "Thomas, just walked in the door......" I heard what they said but I just.......didn't know what to do. I started walking down the church hall and Becky followed me. I was so white she literally thought I was going to pass out. So, I stood in the hall, trying not to have a massive breakdown. I had no idea that Thomas was home on break that week. I made up my mind that I would stay, pretend everything was fine, and just not look at or talk to him. I went upstairs for the worship part, but I really really really needed to relieve some tension so I went to my car and...........*wince......... swore and slammed the door a few times. Totally out of character for me, I know right? So after that, I went back inside and tried to talk to my friends normally. But Thomas was kinda standing by me and Patrick Meade gave him this huge shove right into me. I turned and Thomas was like "hi." I said hi back and he asked me how I was. I just shrugged and he said, "You probably hate me." We stood there awkwardly for like half a minute, neither of us knowing what to say. It ended in him apologizing then just walking away. I felt like things were sooooooo so so much worse between us so after youth group was over, I found Thomas and asked him to talk again. We went outside at the front of the church. We were by ourselves and it was getting dark. I was pacing in front of him, trying to help him understand what I was feeling and how I felt like he didn't care about me. We talked for a long time and I totally believe him when he said that he really does care about me, but doesn't know how to express it. As we were talking, Thomas stops and was like you're so cute. and smiles at me. He was like, "I am still so attracted to you." Then he takes my hand and pulls me to him and was like I missed your hands so much. They are so little. I pulled away, but he stood up and gave me a hug. I pulled away again, even though I really really didn't want to........ He asked me if I was dating anyone, and kept telling me that he wants me to be happy and move on and forget about him. We talked a little bit more, then he was like, "Come sit down." So I did and we just started kissing. Like real kissing - lips, tongue......(sorry, if that grossed you out...) I stood up so fast and was like, "Don't." He said sorry right away and was like I shouldn't have done that. He wouldn't look at me, so I took his head in my hands and and was like it's okay. I understand. Then, somehow, we were kissing again!!!

Ridiculous right? So, I stopped and was like I need to go, Thomas. I just have to go. I'll see you this summer, k? (We had decided that we were going to try to be friends this summer) He was like ya, you should go. I started walking away and he was like, "Abbey" It was dark by then so I couldn't see his face. He said, "I still love you." "I love you too, " I said then I walked away.

One of my responses: Abby, you dont have to apologize for having a lot of details and I do want to read this because I can see a lot of the same things in you that Ive gone through and some things that I have no idea mostly because Im not a chick who has to shave my legs! :) Im really sorry for everything that is piling up right now does it seem like theres no way out of all the chaos and when you need to focus on the future the most you cant because you really dont know where youre headed? And the Thomas thing definitely adds a crap load to the whole thing I really cant speak too much into your life since we havent really hung out much, but you ARE going to be able to get through this. There have been so many times Ive just wanted to give up, and there didnt seem like any solutions, but God pulled me up off the ground sometimes literally. When you said you and Thomas broke up, was it a cold-cut I-cant-see-you-anymore thing? Or was it one of those (really confusing) I really dont know whats going on things? I can tell you really really care about him, even though I dont know much about your past relationship. And even though I cant speak for other people, I know what my past has been like and I know how many times Ive been hurt because I rushed Im not saying youre rushing (cuz like I said, I really dont know a lot about your relationship) but I when I rushed into love certain feelings starting waking up when they werent supposed to be yet! Not only when I was physically expressive aka making out etc I was getting hurt by opening doors when the relationship wasnt ready. I was opening up feelings and trusts with a person that I really wasnt sure it would actually last with. Plus, for the last 2 years Ive been tryin to figure out whats going on in my life Ive been tryin to listen to God and just figure out where my life is headed and who Im supposed to be Like I said, I was opening up doors too soon. And I was opening the wrong doors. Like if I was in a mansion, I was running through it, trying to figure out which doors were unlocked which doors were creaky, and which doors opened up into my future. I cant tell you how many doors it took to find out which general direction to start going. Idk I guess what Im tryin to say is that you seem to be searching and I can only speak into what things helped when I was searching. When I was hardcore in love a while back, I kept putting myself in all of these really romantic situations. Its not that they were bad, but its that both of us werent ready for those times and even worse, both of us are not even friends anymore.

While I was tryin to pick past all of the pain, I ended up stumbling on Song of Songs 2. You probably already know how it says, Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desire. (2:7) This verse for me wasnt just like oh, yeah, I already know that but it was soooo freaking powerful because its the exact opposite of what I DID. I knew what I was supposed to do, but then I still took on all of the pain. I dont know your whole life or anything like that so Im not gonna be a tool and say, Yeah, I know exactly what youre talking about Cuz I dont. However, I WILL be praying for you and if you want to talk Anytime, you can write me or call me and Ill probably see you around. I hope some of this helps, even if most of it way off what youve been going through Just know you are loved and you dont have to give up - cuz God wants to pick you up, even if youre really confused and hurt. Lylas, Dan

Conclusion: There was a lot more detail than the above letters, there were more conversations in public places with other people I knew, and there was a lot more Scriptural encouragement that was shared in person, since the goal with the initial letters was to listen and critically discern as to the best response. It is important to keep records. It is also important to be personal, but to maintain safe and accountable boundaries sharing all information with persons to keep accountable. This girl decided to distance herself more from this guy, Thomas. She needed to learn more about herself and go through more personal transitions before she was would simply commit to someone she wasnt even sure about. Her felt needs involved a need for companionship with this guy, love from this guy, feelings of worth, feelings of beauty, and a close relationship with someone who could show her love tangibly. Her real needs involved a need for companionship with close true friends, Agape and communal love, feelings of worth, consistent reminders of how God made her beautiful and Christ. I might even go out of my way to express some need for her dad to intervene with her by taking her out on some dates, and reminder her of her worth. Values Distance oneself in terms of safe boundaries. Listen first and foremost Be careful with words Keep message contents printable, and give copy to another minister as accountability Use Scripture in a fluid way, mostly conversational

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