Harrison Shields Professor Kate Kimball ENC 1101 3 December 2013 Essay #1-Revision Global Issues: 1.

Focus- I changed the focus of my paper, making the paper more relatable to a

larger audience. 2. Organization- I decided to change how my story flowed through organization.

This allowed the story to develop more fluidly, helping me ultimately reach my conclusion. 3. Thesis- My thesis was originally pretty weak, but after revision, my thesis is

stronger and more accurately explains the direction of my paper. 4. Voice- I worked on how this paper was narrated, I adjusted some quotes to help

with character and story development. Local Issues: 1. Format Errors -I noticed redundancies through out my paper, I removed these in

order to make my paper more coherent. 2. Transitions- By staying more consistent in my transitions helped me stay on topic

by concentrating on my thesis. 3. Vagueness- I worked with my storys narrative to make my discussions more

detailed. This allowed me to remove any possible confusion or loose ends.

4.

Grammar- There were a few minor grammar and formatting mistakes within my

first draft, yet, fixing these minor errors makes my paper seem stronger. 5. Tense- My paper seemed to jump tense a few times. Fixing these allows my story

to flow. 6. Title- I felt the need to change the title a little bit to make it sound a little better

and make a little bit more logical sense.

This papers topic originally did not interest me, this meaning that I did not write to my full potential on the first draft. Also, I find personal narratives to be a bit tough to write at times. One of the first local issues I seemed to make numerous times was quotation errors. Narratives are a story, meaning dialogue is vital to the paper, correcting my dialogue immediately helped my essay be stronger. Along with this local issue, I also had a few simple grammar mistakes such as using to instead of too. Most of the grammar errors I made were more than likely caused by rushing through my work. To captivate the audience I also decided to change my title. Organization of the first draft was a prevalent global issue. The very first sentence seemed weak; this is dangerous because it can cause the readers to lose attention almost instantly. I changed my first sentence, in hopes that it will keep the reader wanting more. Then, my thesis also needed work, I decided to work on my story and then come up with a thesis. This helps my thesis better introduce my story.