Defying the Model I am someone who enjoys to write. That is, when I have good reason.

It is not that I dread or dislike to write. I am just, one may say, an anarchist writer. I deny established order. I am aware that this term, in the context of writing and in life, may behoove a negative connotation. Anarchy can possess the type of implied imagery that invokes thoughts or fears of ubiquitous disarray. However, not only am I fully capable of writing with enthusiasm, but I am also able to incorporate a fair degree of my own personal creativity. A type of creativity that can foster an overly scrupulous attitude towards each and every paragraph, sentence, and word. So as one can imagine, I have developed a reputation for procrastination and perfectionism in both life and within my writing process. I am the type of person to meticulously calculate whether or not something I have created can be improved. However, this characteristic occasionally will lead me to a cliff, where my collective interest in an undertaking will be abruptly disposed of into the bottomless ravine. I am, at times, made bitter by my methods, and have had to learn how to effectively deal with my impulses throughout my life. I am typically a patient and reserved fellow, but I am made short tempered at times by my overbearing need to have things done in a correct manner. I firmly believe in the ideology of doing something right or not doing it at all. This is commonly the most admiral choice, yet in certain scenarios it is my undoing. For instance, I have struggled in previous academic courses because I could not properly allocate or plan the time the workload requires. It is not that I was incapable or unwilling to allot the appropriate amount of time. I simply find myself weighing what it is that will take precedent in the foreseeable future. I currently am at the two year mark of working 6 days a week with forty-eight hours or more of time put in. While I have seemingly adjusted, I am often forced to decide whether I should whole

heartedly apply myself across the board or in particular aspects of life such as work or school. When I am able to orchestrate every facet of my plans without constant interference, I am able to achieve my goals both in writing and in life. I am also aware that my expectations for life and in writing are not always a viable option. For without order and guidelines it can be nearly impossible for people to work cohesively let alone as a so called team. Unless, of course, the anarchist/free-minded principles everyone operated on were secondary to society's standard of good ethics. Not to mention, some folks prefer to follow rather than lead into the unknown. Nonetheless this hypothetical situation is neither here nor there however. So to touch base with the topic at hand, I am simply learning and working towards a way in which I am effective and efficient in writing and in life. I addressed earlier that I am overtly obsessed with nitpicking all that I do because I worry it will not meet the standards others have bestowed upon the rhetorical task. I guess that within my writing and in my life I hold a certain level of insecurity of being seen as inferior or obsolete. One can imagine the doors this opens for an internal fracas. As with most anything though, there are exceptions. I excel in a realm where I can make the rules. A place where I operate within a sanctuary. In that said existence, I forego my obsessive compulsive tendencies and do, act, or can be without hesitation. I act as if I have not been jaded by reality, for reality has parameters, structure and rules that have been defined. Here, where I seek solace, I will disregard what is deemed as par. I will evaluate and re-evaluate my work; just to find an aesthetic fault. The type of fault that is of no major importance to others, yet significant to me in my own sentimental way. Although, at the end of the day, I am able to exude pride in my work. Nowhere is this more apparent than in my writing and in my art. When the external factors from other people come to fruition, and I am in the wrong environment, I can be my own worst enemy. This sensationalized perfectionism, is something I have allowed myself

to implement a number of times, (all while stubbornly denying to myself that it is what I am doing for the billionth time.) It is as if I aim to build the world's largest tower. I plan, envision, and seek my intentions without always taking the proper amount of time to see if the foundation I have chose will support the structure. While I had hoped to investigate other options for a site to build this said tower, I am restricted to what has been properly zoned for such a building, and my gumption has overrode my patience; so I naively choose to push on towards my goal. The ability to deviate from set rules and regulations is what ensures my ability to succeed. As if I was able to choose any location to build. An area where I am not forced to settle with the options others have bestowed upon me. While I am aware that my traits are the root cause for my dilemmas, I am all too often re-routed by external influence. I possess a great deal of ability to perceive the world through others eyes. So much so, that sometimes I will become sheepish about my ideas, habits, and means of personally operating when working with others; for I am not much for confrontation or criticizing another's ideas. This sensitivity towards others makes for a scenario in which I no longer invest a percentage of my brain. Instead I will daydream and ponder a myriad of other things all at once while essentially putting my physical actions in to autopilot. Although I may be perceived as a narcissist for my views of the world; I firmly believe that acting with humility and love for others should always be what is most important. This ideology has always been the driving force for me denying the established order of my own creativity. I learned at a young age that while my creative practice is intrinsically rewarding, I will have to assess and adjust my routine to coexist in a world full of bylaws and edicts. So as I set out to find the proper balance between defying the model and walking the line; I am eternally motivated by the satisfaction I feel looking for something of value in regards to writing, society,

and in all dimensions of life for myself and others. I seek to establish these things of value in a setting where nothing is impossible. Somewhere no one else condemns or mocks the innocent process of seeking enlightenment in a world that, at times, seems to have never established just what system is equal, ethical, and appropriate for individuals to flourish in his or her own right.