40 of the Most Hilarious Dirty Jokes: Vol.

3 By Jason Wallace

Smashwor s ! ition

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#u$lishe $y: Jason Wallace on Smashwor s

40 of the Most Hilarious Dirty Jokes: Vol. 3 %o&yri'ht ( )0*3 $y Jason Wallace

*. + man an his wife 'o to their honeymoon hotel for their ),th anni-ersary. +s the cou&le reflecte on that ma'ical e-enin' ), years a'o. the wife aske the hus$an . /When you first saw my nake $o y in front of you. what was 'oin' throu'h your min 0/

1he hus$an re&lie . /+ll 2 wante to o was to fuck your $rains out. an suck your tits ry./

1hen. as the wife un resse . she aske . /What are you thinkin' now0/

He re&lie . /2t looks as if 2 i a &retty 'oo 3o$./ ). + 'uy walks into a $ar. an $ehin the $ar is a si'n that says. /Han Jo$ 4 5*0 %heese San wich 4 5)./ 1he 'uy says to the $arten er. /!6cuse me. Miss. $ut are you the la y that 'i-es the han 3o$s0/

She says. /7es. 2 am./ 1he 'uy then says. /Well then. wash your han s an fi6 me a cheese san wich./

3. +s an air&lane is a$out to crash. a female &assen'er 3um&s u& frantically an announces. /2f 28m 'oin' to ie. 2 want to ie feelin' like a woman./

She remo-es all her clothin' an asks. /2s there someone on this &lane who is man enou'h to make me feel like a woman0/

+ man stan s u&. remo-es his shirt an says. /Here. iron this9/.

4. + man is sittin' ne6t to a woman on a &lane. an the woman constantly snee:es. e-okin' the man8s curiosity. He asks if she8s alri'ht. to which she re&lies that she has a rare me ical con ition that makes her ha-e an or'asm e-ery time she snee:es. 1he man asks her. /What o you take for that0/ /#e&&er./

,. 1he newlywe s are in their honeymoon room an the 'room eci es to let the $ri e know where she stan s ri'ht from the start of the marria'e.

He &rocee s to take off his trousers an throw them at her. He says. /#ut those on./

1he $ri e re&lies. /2 can8t wear your trousers./

He re&lies. /+n

on8t for'et that9 2 will always wear the &ants in the family9/

1he $ri e takes off her knickers an throws them at him with the same re;uest. /1ry those on9/

He re&lies./2 can8t 'et into your knickers9/

/+n you ne-er $loo y will if you on8t chan'e your attitu e./

<. + cou&le is on their honeymoon. an the man warns his new wife that he has a $a$y &enis. 1he wife consoles her hus$an an tells him that she lo-es him an that the si:e of his &enis oesn8t matter. +fter they 'et to their honeymoon suite. the man takes off his clothes an $i''est &enis the woman has e-er ima'ine . so $i' that it terrifies her. She says. /2 thou'ht you sai you ha a $a$y &enis./ /7es./ re&lies her hus$an . /= &oun s. *4 ounces./ is&lays the

>. 1here was an el erly man who wante to make his youn'er wife &re'nant. So. he went to the octor to ha-e a s&erm count one. 1he octor tol him to take a s&ecimen cu& home. fill it. an $rin' it $ack the ne6t ay. 1he el erly man came $ack the ne6t ay an the s&ecimen cu& was em&ty an the li was on it. Doctor: What was the &ro$lem0 !l erly man: Well. you 2 trie with my ri'ht han ...nothin'. So. 2 trie with my left han ...nothin'. My wife trie with her ri'ht han ...nothin'. Her left han ...nothin'. Her mouth...nothin'. 1hen my wife8s frien trie . ?i'ht han . left han . mouth....still nothin'. Doctor: Wait a minute. 7ou mean your wife8s frien too09 !l erly man: 7eah. an we still coul n8t 'et the li off of the s&ecimen cu&.

=. + 'uy walks into a s&erm $ank wearin' a ski mask an hol in' a 'un. He 'oes u& to the nurse an eman s her to o&en the $ank -ault. She says /But Sir. it8s 3ust a s&erm $ank9/ /2 on8t care. o&en it now999/ he re&lies. So she o&ens the oor to the -ault an insi e are all the s&erm sam&les. 1he 'uy says /1ake one of those s&erm sam&les an rink it9/ She looks at him /B@1. they are s&erm sam&les000/ . /DA 219/. So the nurse sucks it $ack. /1hat one there. rink that one as well./. so the nurse rinks that one as well. Binally after 4 sam&les the man takes off his ski mask an says. /See honey 4 it8s not that har ./

C. 1here are four kin s of se6 :

HA@S! S!D 4 When you are newly marrie an ha-e se6 all o-er the house in e-ery room.

B!D?AAM S!D 4 +fter you ha-e $een marrie for a while. you only ha-e se6 in the $e room.

H+EE S!D 4 +fter you8-e $een marrie for many. many years you 3ust &ass each other in the hall an say /B@%F 7A@/

%A@?1?AAM S!D 4 When your wife an her lawyer fuck you in the i-orce court in front of many &eo&le for e-ery &enny you8-e 'ot.

*0. 1his $eautiful woman one ay walks into a octors office an the octor is $owle o-er $y how stunnin'ly awesome she is. +ll his &rofessionallism 'oes ri'ht out the win ow...

He tells her to take her &ants. she oes. an he starts ru$$in' her thi'hs.

/Do you know what 2 am oin'0/ asks the octor0

/7es. checkin' for a$normalities./ she re&lies.

He tells her to take off her shirt an $ra. she takes them off. 1he octor $e'ins ru$$in' her $reasts an asks. /Do you know what 2 am oin' now0/. she re&lies. /7es. checkin' for cancer./

Binally. he tells her to take off her &anties. lays her on the ta$le. 'ets on to& of her an starts ha-in' se6 with her. He says to her. /Do you know what 2 am oin' now0/

She re&lies. /7es. 'ettin' her&es 4 that8s why 2 am here9/ **. 1his cou&le were in $e 'ettin' $usy when the 'irl &laces the 'uys han onto her &ussy. /#ut your fin'er in me.../ she asks him. So he oes without hesitation. as she starts moanin'. /#ut two fin'ers in.../. she says. So in 'oes another one. She8s really startin' to 'et worke u& when she says. /#ut your whole han in9/. 1he 'uy8s like. /Ak9/. So he has his entire han in. when she says moanin' alou /#ut $oth your han s insi e of me999/. So the 'uy &uts $oth of

his han s in9 /Gow cla& your han s.../ comman s the 'irl. /2 can8t/. says the 'uy. 1he 'irl looks at him an says /See. 2 tol you 2 ha a ti'ht &ussy9/

*). + o'. a cat. an a &enis are sittin' aroun a cam& fire one ni'ht. 1he o' says. /My life sucks. my master makes me o my $usiness on a fire hy rent9/. 1he cat says. /2 on8t think so. my master makes me o my $usiness in a $o6 of cat litter./ 1he &enis outra'e . says /+t least your master oesn8t &ut a $a' o-er your hea an make you o &ushu&s until you throw u&9/

*3. + man an a woman starte to ha-e se6 in the mi le of a ark forest. +fter a$out *, minutes of it. the man finally 'ets u& an says. /Damn. 2 wish 2 ha a flashli'ht9/. 1he woman says. /Me too. you8-e $een eatin' 'rass for the &ast ten minutes9/

*4. + cou&le 3ust 'ot marrie an on the ni'ht of their honeymoon $efore &assionate lo-e. the wife tells the hus$an . /#lease $e 'entile. 28m still a -ir'in./ 1he hus$an $ein' shocke . re&lie . /How8s this &ossi$le0 7ou8-e $een marrie three times $efore./ 1he wife res&on s. /Well. my first hus$an was a 'ynecolo'ist an all he wante to o was look at it. My secon hus$an was a &sychiatrist an all he wante to o was talk a$out it. Binally. my thir hus$an was a stam& collector an all he wante to o was...oh. o 2 miss him9/

*,. An their first ni'ht to'ether. a newlywe cou&le 'o to chan'e. 1he new $ri e comes out of the $athroom showere an wearin' a $eautiful ro$e. 1he &rou hus$an says. /My ear. we are marrie now. you can o&en your ro$e./ 1he $eautiful youn' woman o&ens her ro$e. an he is astonishe ./Ah. oh. aaaahhh./ he e6claims. /My Ho you are so $eautiful. let me take your &icture. #u::le she asks. /My &icture0/ He answers. /7es my ear. so 2 can carry your $eauty ne6t to my heart fore-er/. She smiles an he takes her &icture. an then he hea s into the $athroom to shower. He comes out wearin' his ro$e an the new wife asks. /Why o you wear a ro$e0 We are marrie now./ +t that the man o&ens his ro$e an she e6claims. /oh. AH. AH M7. let me 'et a &icture/. He $eams an asks why an she answers. /So 2 can 'et it enlar'e 9/

*<. 1hree 'uys 'o to a ski lo 'e. an there aren8t enou'h rooms. so they ha-e to share a $e . 2n the mi le of the ni'ht. the 'uy on the ri'ht wakes u& an says. /2 ha this wil . -i-i ream of 'ettin' a han 3o$9/ 1he 'uy on the left wakes u&. an un$elie-a$ly. he8s ha the same ream. too. 1hen the 'uy in the mi le wakes u& an says. /1hat8s funny. 2 reame 2 was skiin'9/

*>. Ane ay. a wife tells her hus$an that their mailman is retirin' after many years of ser-ice an that all of the nei'h$ors ha-e $een 'i-in' him 'ifts 4 cash. checks. 'ift car s. etc. an that they shoul o somethin' nice for him. too. 1he hus$an says. /Buck him. Hi-e him a ollar./ When the mailman comes to the oor. ho&in' to 'et some sort of &artin' 'ift. the wife answers the oor wearin' a$solutely nothin'. takes the mailman $y the han an lea s him u&stairs where she 'i-es him the $low3o$ of his life an then fucks his $rains out. +fterwar . she takes him to the kitchen. fi6es him a lar'e $reakfast an after refillin' his coffee. sli&s a 5* $ill un er his cu&. 1he mailman says that it8s the $est 'ift he coul 8-e 'otten $ut that he8s ;uite curious why the se6. the $reakfast. an a 5* $ill. 1he wife tells the mailman. /Well. when 2 tol my hus$an a$out your retirin'. he sai 8Buck him. Hi-e him a ollar.8 Breakfast was my i ea./

*=. Ane ay Mr. Smith. the &resi ent of a lar'e cor&oration. calle his -ice4&resi ent. Da-e. into his office an sai . /We8re makin' some cut$acks. so either Jack or Bar$ara will ha-e to $e lai off./ Da-e looke at Mr. Smith an sai . /Bar$ara is my $est worker. $ut Jack has a wife an three ki s. 2 on8t know whom to fire./

1he ne6t mornin' Da-e waite for his em&loyees to arri-e. Bar$ara was the first to come in. so Da-e sai . /Bar$ara. 28-e 'ot a &ro$lem. 7ou see. 28-e 'ot to lay you or Jack off an 2 on8t know what to o0/ Bar$ara re&lie . /7ou8 $etter 3ack off. 28-e 'ot a hea ache./

*C. + construction worker on the ,th floor of a $uil in' nee s a han saw. So he s&ots another worker on the 'roun floor an yells own to him. $ut he can8t hear him. So the worker on the ,th floor tries si'n lan'ua'e.

He &ointe to his eye meanin' /2/. &ointe to his knee meanin' /nee /. then mo-e his han $ack an forth in a han saw motion. 1he man on the 'roun floor no s his hea . &ulls own his &ants. whi&s out his cho& an starts mastur$atin'.

1he worker on ,th floor 'ets so &isse off he runs own to the 'roun floor an says. /What the fuck is your &ro$lem999 2 sai 2 nee e a han saw9/.

1he other 'uy says. /2 knew that9 2 was 3ust tryin' to tell you 4 28m comin'9/

)0. + housewife. all alone. hears the oor$ell an o&ens it to fin a man stan in' there who asks. /Hi. is 1ony home0/ 1he wife re&lies. /Go. he went to the store. $ut you can wait here if you want./ So they sit own an after a while of silence the frien says /7ou know Sara. you ha-e the 'reatest $reasts 2 ha-e e-er seen. 28 'i-e you a hun re $uck 3ust to see one./ 1he woman thinks a$out it for a secon an fi'ures. what the hell 4 a hun re $ucks9 She o&ens her ro$e an shows one to him for a few secon s. He &rom&tly thanks her an throws a hun re $ucks on the ta$le. 1hey sit there a while lon'er an 'uy then says /1hat was so ama:in' 28-e 'ot to see $oth of them. 28ll 'i-e you another *00 ollars if 2 coul 3ust see the $oth of them to'ether./ 1he woman. ama:e $y the offer. sits an thinks a $it a$out it an thinks. heck. why not0 So she o&ens her ro$e an 'i-es %hris a nice lon' chance to co& a look. + while later 1ony arri-es $ack home from the store. 1he wife 'oes u& to him. /7ou know. your frien %hris came o-er./ 1ony thinks a$out it for a secon an says. /Well i he ro& off the )00 $ucks he owes me0/

)*. + kin er'arten teacher one ay is tryin' to e6&lain to her class the efinition of the wor / efinitely/ to them. 1o make sure the stu ents ha-e a 'oo un erstan in' of the wor . she asks them to use it in a sentence. 1he first stu ent raise his han an sai /1he sky is efinitely $lue/. 1he teacher sai . /Well. that isn8t entirely correct. $ecause sometimes it8s 'ray an clou y/. +nother stu ent says. /Hrass is efinitely 'reen./ 1he teacher a'ain re&lies /2f 'rass oesn8t 'et enou'h water it turns $rown. so that isn8t really correct either./ +nother stu ent raises his han an asks the teacher /Do farts ha-e lum&s0/ 1he teacher looke at him an sai /Go...But that isn8t really a ;uestion you want to ask in class iscussion./ So the stu ent re&lies. /1hen 2 efinitely shit my &ants./ )). Wife : /2 reamt they were auctionin' off icks. 1he $i' ones went for ten ollars an the thick ones went for twenty ollars./ Hus$an : /How a$out the ones like mine0/ Wife : /1hose they 'a-e away./

Hus$an : /2 ha a ream too...2 reamt they were auctionin' off cunts. 1he &retty ones went for a thousan ollars. an the little ti'ht ones went for two thousan ./ Wife : /+n how much for the ones like mine0/ Hus$an : /1hat8s where they hel the auction./

)3. 1he ;ueen of !n'lan was -isitin' one of %ana a8s to& hos&itals. an the floors she &asse a room where a male &atient was mastur$atin'.

urin' her tour of

/Ah my 'o 9/. sai the Iueen. /1hat8s is'raceful. what is the meanin' of this000/ 1he octor lea in' the tour e6&lains. /28m sorry your la yshi&. this man has a -ery serious con ition where the testicles ra&i ly fill with semen. 2f he oesn8t o that fi-e times a ay. they woul e6&lo e an he woul most likely ie instantly./ /Ah. 2 am sorry/ sai the Iueen. An the ne6t floor they &asse a room where a youn' nurse was 'i-in' a &atient a $low 3o$. /Ah my Ho /. sai the Iueen. /What8s ha&&enin' in there0/ 1he Doctor re&lie . /Same &ro$lem. $etter health &lan./

)4. + little $oy an his 'ran father are rakin' lea-es in the yar . 1he little $oy sees an earthworm tryin' to 'et $ack into its hole. He says. /Hran &a. 2 $et 2 can &ut that worm $ack in that hole./ 1he 'ran father re&lies. /28ll $et you fi-e ollars you can8t. 2t8s too wi''ly an lim& to &ut $ack in that little hole./ 1he little $oy runs into the house an comes $ack out with a can of hair s&ray. He s&rays the worm until it is strai'ht an stiff as a $oar . 1he $oy then &rocee s to &ut the worm $ack into the hole. 1he 'ran father han s the little $oy fi-e ollars. 'ra$s the hair s&ray an runs into the house. 1hirty minutes later the 'ran father comes $ack out an han s the $oy another fi-e ollars. 1he little $oy says. /Hran &a. you alrea y 'a-e me fi-e ollars./ 1he 'ran father re&lies. /2 know. 1hat8s from your Hran ma./

),. + little $oy is &assin' $y an ol man8s house carryin' some uct ta&e. 1he ol man. curious. asks. /Eittle $oy. where you 'oin with that uct ta&e0/ /2 'ot me some uck ta&e. 28m 'onna catch me some ucks./

/Boy. you can8t catch ucks with uct ta&e./ the ol man says. /Watch me./ re&lies the little $oy. an an hour later. he &asses $y carryin' a $unch of ucks wra&&e in the ta&e. 1he ne6t ay. the little $oy &asses $y the house with chicken wire. 1he ol man asks the $oy where he8s 'oin' with the chicken wire. /2 'ot me some chicken wire. 28m 'onna catch me some chickens./ /Boy. you can8t catch chickens with chicken wire./ comes the res&onse from the ol man. /Watch me./ says the little $oy. an an hour later. he &asses $y the house with a $unch of chickens cau'ht in the chicken wire. 1he ne6t ay. the little $oy &asses $y the house a'ain. $ut the ol man can8t see what the $oy is carryin'. /What ya 'ot there. $oy./ asks the ol man. /2 'ot me some &ussywillows./ says the little $oy. /Hol on. Eet me 'et my hat./ says the ol man.

)<. + woman &osts an a in the news&a&er that looks like this... 8Eookin' for man with these ;ualificationsJ won8t $eat me u&J or run away from me an is 'reat in $e .8 She 'ot lots of &hone calls re&lyin' to her a $ut met someone &erfect at her oor one ay. 1he man she met sai . /Hi. 28m Bo$. 2 ha-e no arms so 2 won8t $eat you u& an no le's so 2 won8t run away./ So the la y says. /What makes you think you are 'reat in $e 0/ Bo$ re&lies. /2 ran' the oor $ell i n8t 20/

)>. 1hree sisters wante to 'et marrie . $ut their &arents coul n8t affor it so they ha all of them 'et marrie on the same ay. 1hey also coul n8t affor to 'o on a honeymoon so they all staye home with their new hu$$ies. 1hat ni'ht the mother 'ot u& $ecause she coul n8t slee&.

When she went &ast her ol est au'hter8s room she hear screamin'. 1hen she went to her secon au'hters room an she hear lau'hin'. 1hen she went to her youn'est au'hter8s room an she coul n8t hear anythin'. 1he ne6t mornin' when the men left the mother aske her ol est au'hter. /Why were you screamin' last ni'ht0/ 1he au'hter re&lie /Mom you always tol me if somethin' hurt 2 shoul scream./ /1hat8s true./ She looke at her secon au'hter. /Why were you lau'hin' so much last ni'ht0/

1he au'hter re&lie /Mom you always sai that if somethin' tickle you shoul lau'h./ /1hat8s also true./ 1hen the mother looke at her youn'est au'hter. /Why was it so ;uiet in your room last ni'ht0/ 1he youn'est au'hter re&lie /Mom you always tol me 2 shoul ne-er talk with my mouth full./

)=. + e&resse youn' woman was so es&erate that she eci e to en her life $y throwin' herself into the ocean. When she went own to the ocks. a han some youn' sailor notice her tears. took &ity on her. an sai . /Eook. you8-e 'ot a lot to li-e for. 28m off to !uro&e in the mornin'. an if you like. 2 can stow you away on my shi&. 28ll take 'oo care of you an $rin' you foo e-ery ay./ Mo-in' closer. he sli&&e his arm aroun her shoul er an a e . /28ll kee& you ha&&y. an you8ll kee& me ha&&y./ 1he 'irl no e yes. after all. what i she ha-e to lose0 1hat ni'ht. the sailor $rou'ht her a$oar an hi her in a life$oat. Brom then on. e-ery ni'ht he $rou'ht her three san wiches an a &iece of fruit. an they ma e &assionate lo-e until awn. 1hree weeks later. urin' a routine search. she was isco-ere $y the ca&tain. 8What are you oin' here08 the ca&tain aske . She 'ot u& off the 'roun an e6&laine . /2 ha-e an arran'ement with one of the sailors. He8s takin' me to !uro&e. an he8s screwin' me./ 1he ca&tain looke at her. /He sure is la y. this is the Staten 2slan Berry.8

)C. + $oy is at school an he hears the ol er ki s talkin' a$out &ussy. an their $itch. 1he $oy confuse $y this 'oes to his mother. /Mom/. the $oy asks. /What8s a &ussy0/ 1he mother $ein' startle $y this thinks ;uick an fin s the closest ictionary an o&ens it u& to a &icture of a cat an says /Son. that is a &ussy./ the son then asks /What8s a $itch0/ 1he mother a'ain thinkin' ;uickly o&ens to a &icture of a o' an says /Son. this is a $itch./ 1he son walks away still confuse . an sees his father watchin' tele-ision. 1he son walks u& to his father an says /Da . what8s a &ussy0/ 1he father oesn8t want to miss the $ase$all

'ame so he ;uickly whi&s out his #enthouse ma'a:ine to the centerfol . 'ra$s a marker an raws a circle aroun the -a'ina an says /Son. this is a &ussy9/ 1he son. now startin' to un erstan what the ol er $oys are talkin' a$out asks /1hen. what is a $itch0/ 1he a re&lies. /1hat8s e-erythin' outsi e the circle9/

30. Ane %hristmas !-e. Santa %laus comes own the chimney an is startle $y a $eautiful *C year ol $lon e. She sai /Santa. will you stay with me0/. Santa re&lie . /Ho Ho Ho 'otta 'o. 'otta 'o. 'otta eli-er these toys to 'oo 'irls an $oys./ So she took off her ni'ht 'own. wearin' only a $ra an &anties. she aske /Santa. now will you stay with me0/ /Ho Ho Ho 'otta 'o. 'otta 'o. 'otta eli-er these toys to 'oo 'irls an $oys./ She takes off e-erythin' an says /Santa. now will you stay with me0/ Santa re&lies /Hotta stay. 'otta stay. can8t 'et u& the chimney with my ick this way9/

3*. + woman an her little $oy were walkin' throu'h a &ark in Gew 7ork an they &ass two s;uirrels ha-in' se6. 1he little $oy asks his mom. /Mommy. mommy. what are they oin'0/ 1he la y res&on e . /1hey8re makin' a san wich./ 1hen they &ass two o's ha-in' se6 an the little $oy a'ain asks what they were oin'. His mother a'ain re&lie they were makin' a san wich. + cou&le of ays later the little $oy walks in on his mother an father an sai /Mommy. Da y. you must $e makin' a san wich $ecause. Mommy has mayonnaise all o-er her mouth999/

3). 1his 'uy wakes u& out of a ee& slee& an . feelin' real horny. nu 'es his wife awake an asks. /Why on8t we 'et it on. eh0/ She re&lies. /2 ha-e an a&&ointment at the 'ynecolo'ist tomorrow an you know 2 on8t like to make lo-e the ni'ht $efore./ So the hus$an a'rees an rolle $ack o-er an starte to 'o $ack to slee&. + few minutes later. he nu 'es his wife a'ain an asks. /7ou on8t $y any chance ha-e a entist8s a&&ointment tomorrow. o you0/

33. 1wo fi-e year ol $oys are stan in' at the toilet to &ee. Ane says. /7our thin' oesn8t ha-e any skin on it9/. /28-e $een circumcise ./. the other re&lie .

/What8s that mean0/ /2t means they cut the skin off the en ./ /How ol were you when it was cut off0/ /My mom sai 2 was two ays ol ./ /Di it hurt0/. the ki aske in;uirin'ly. /7ou $et it hurt. 2 i n8t walk for a year9/

34. + teacher was wra&&in' u& class. an starte talkin' a$out tomorrow8s final e6am. He sai there woul $e no e6cuses for not showin' u& tomorrow. $arrin' a ire me ical con ition or an imme iate family mem$er8s eath. Ane smart ass. male stu ent sai . /What a$out e6treme se6ual e6haustion0/. an the whole classroom $urst into lau'hter. +fter the lau'hter ha su$si e . the teacher 'lare at the stu ent. an sai . /Got an e6cuse. you can use your other han to write./

3,. + woman is in the eli-ery room 'i-in' $irth. the octor tells her to &ush. She oes an the $a$y8s hea &o&s out. 1he octor says. /Ah9 7our $a$y has slante eyes./ 1o which she re&lies /7eah 2 hear them %hinese men were &retty 'oo . so 2 eci e to 'i-e them a try. 1he octor shru's it off an tells her to &ush a'ain. 1his time the $a$y8s $o y comes out. /Holy Shit. your $a$y has a white $o y./ the octor says. /7eah 2 hear them white men were &retty 'oo so 2 eci e to 'i-e them a try./ she sai . 1he octor shru's it off a'ain an tells her to &ush a'ain an that will $e it. So she oes an the le's come out. /Holy Shit9 7our $a$y has $lack le's./ the octor sai . /7eah 2 hear them $lack men were &retty 'oo so 2 eci e to 'i-e them a try./ she sai . So the octor shru's it off a'ain an ties the um$ilical cor an sla&s the $a$y on the ass. it starts to cry. 1he octor turns to the woman an asks. /How are you 'oin' to eal with a $a$y who has slante eyes. white $o y. an $lack le's0/ 1he woman re&lies /28m 3ust 'la it i n8t $ark9/

3<. 1hin's 1hat +re Difficult 1o Say When 7ou8re Drunk

*. 2nno-ati-e ). #reliminary

3. #roliferation 4. %innamon

1hin's 1hat +re Very Difficult 1o Say When 7ou8re Drunk

*. S&ecificity ). +nti4constitutionalistically 3. #assi-e4a''ressi-e isor er 4. 1ransu$stantiate

1hin's 1hat +re Downri'ht 2m&ossi$le 1o Say When 7ou8re Drunk

*. 1hanks. $ut 2 on8t want to ha-e se6. ). Go&e. no more $oo:e for me9 3. Sorry. $ut you8re not really my ty&e. 4. 1aco Bell0 Go thanks. 28m not hun'ry. ,. Hoo e-enin'. officer. 2sn8t it lo-ely out toni'ht0 <. Ah. 2 coul n8t9 Go one wants to hear me sin' karaoke. >. 28m not intereste in fi'htin' you. =. 1hank you. $ut 2 won8t make any attem&t to ance. 2 ha-e no coor ination. 28 hate to look like a fool9 C. Where is the nearest $athroom0 2 refuse to &iss in this &arkin' lot or on the roa si e. *0. 2 must $e 'oin' home now as 2 ha-e to work in the mornin'.

3>. An a rural roa a state troo&er &ulle this farmer o-er an sai : /Sir. o you reali:e your wife fell out of the car se-eral miles $ack0/

1o which the farmer re&lie : /1hank Ho . 2 thou'ht 2 ha 'one eaf9/

3=. + retirin' farmer in &re&aration for sellin' his lan . nee e to ri his farm of animals. So he went to e-ery house in his town. 1o the houses where the man is the $oss. he 'a-e a horse. 1o the houses where the woman is the $oss. a chicken was 'i-en. He 'ot towar the en of the street an saw a cou&le outsi e 'ar enin'. /Who8s the $oss aroun here0/ he aske . /2 am./ sai the man. /2 ha-e a $lack horse an a $rown horse./ the farmer sai . /which one woul you like0/ 1he man thou'ht for a minute an sai . /1he $lack one./ /Go. no. no. 'et the $rown one./ the man8s wife sai . /Here8s your chicken./ sai the farmer.

3C. My wife an 2 ha-e the secrets to makin' a marria'e last... 1wo times a week. we 'o to a nice restaurant. a little wine. 'oo foo an com&anionshi&. She 'oes 1ues ays. 2 'o Bri ays. We also slee& in se&arate $e s. Hers is in Blori a. mine is in G7. 2 take my wife e-erywhere. $ut she kee&s fin in' her way $ack. 2 aske my wife. /Where o you want to 'o for our anni-ersary0/ /Somewhere 2 ha-en8t $een in a lon' time9/ So 2 su''este . /How a$out the kitchen0/ We always hol han s. 2f 2 let 'o. she sho&s. She has an electric $len er. electric toaster. an electric $rea maker. 1hen she sai /1here are too many 'a 'ets. an no &lace to sit own9/. so 2 $ou'ht her an electric chair. My wife tol me the car wasn8t runnin' well. there was water in the car$uretor. When 2 aske where the car was. she tol me /2n the lake./

My wife is on a new iet. %oconuts an $ananas. She hasn8t lost wei'ht. $ut BA7. can she clim$ a tree now9 She 'ot a mu &ack an looke 'reat for two ays. 1hen the mu fell off... She ran after the 'ar$a'e truck. yellin'. /+m 2 too late for the 'ar$a'e0/ 1he ri-er sai . /Go. 3um& in9/

40. Blow3o$ !ti;uette K$y a femaleL *. Birst an foremost. we are not o$li'ate to o it. ). !6tension to rule M* 4 So if you 'et one. $e 'rateful. 3. 2 on8t care WH+1 they i in the &orn -i eo you saw. it is not stan ar &ractice to cum on someone8s face. 4. !6tension to rule M3 4 Go. 2 DAG81 ha-e to swallow. ,. My ears are GA1 han les. <. !6tension to rule M, 4 o not &ush on the to& of my hea . East 2 hear . ee& throat ha $een one. +n a itionally. o you really W+G1 &uke on your ick0 >. 2 on8t care HAW rela6e you 'et. it is G!V!? AF to fart. =. Ha-in' my &erio oes not mean that it8s /hummer week/ 4 'et it throu'h your hea 4 28m $loate an 2 feel like shit so no. 2 on8t feel &articularly o$li'ate to $low you 3ust $ecause 7A@ can8t ha-e se6 ri'ht now. C. !6tension to M= 4 /Blue Balls/ mi'ht ha-e worke on hi'h school 'irls 4 if you8re that es&erate. 'o 3erk off an lea-e me alone with my Mi ol. *0. 2f 2 ha-e to &ause to remo-e a &u$ic hair from my teeth. on8t tell me 28-e 3ust /wrecke it/ for you. **. Eea-in' me in $e while you 'o &lay -i eo 'ames imme iately afterwar s is hi'hly ina -isa$le if you woul like my $eha-ior to $e re&eate in the future. *). 2f you like how we o it. it8s &ro$a$ly $est not to s&eculate a$out the ori'ins of our talent. Just en3oy the moment an $e ha&&y that we8re 'oo at it. See also rule M) a$out 'ratitu e. *3. Go. it oesn8t &articularly taste 'oo . +n 2 on8t care a$out the &rotein content. *4. Go. 2 will GA1 o it while you watch 1V.

*,. When you hear your frien s com&lain a$out how they on8t 'et $low 3o$s often enou'h. kee& your mouth shut. 2t is ina&&ro&riate to either sym&athi:e or $ra'. *<. Just $ecause /it8s awake/ when you 'et u& oes not mean 2 ha-e to /kiss it 'oo mornin'/.

+ Man8s thou'hts on Bellatio aka ?e$uttal !ti;uette K$y a maleL *. Birst of all. yes you8re o$li'ate to o it. 2f you on8t. we will fin someone Kyoun'er. &rettier an irtierL who will. ). Secon . swallowin' a teas&oon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than lickin' a ea fish. 3. 7ou want to talk a$out fartin'0 Does the wor /;ueef/ mean anythin' to you0 4. 2 will use your ears as 2 see fit. on8t worry a$out it an $e thankful 28m not &ullin' your hair. ,. When you8re on your &erio . stuffin' somethin' in your mouth is the only way to sto& you from $itchin' an moanin'. Suck it u&9 <. S&eakin' of which. if you are $lee in' for fi-e strai'ht ays. you nee all the flui s you can 'et. trust me. >. 7ou $itch a$out the taste. $ut trust me when 2 tell you that we 'et the short en of the stick in fla-or country. =. +t least there is no an'er of a ick $lee in' in your mouth. C. #lay with the $alls. *0. Go matter how 'oo you think you are at it. we8-e ha $etter. **. %aress the ass. too. We like that9 *). Make hay when the sun shines. it8s /wi e awake/ in the mornin' now. $ut when you 'et ol N fat an lookin' for some action. 2 'ah4ron4tee it8ll $e /soun aslee&/. *3. 2f you swallow. then you on8t ha-e to worry a$out 'ettin' any on your face. now will you0