Hot Pink - The Girls' Guide To Primping, Passion, and Pubic Fashion

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Praise for Hot Pink
A Refreshingly Healthy, Complete Guide . . .
“In working with women, we have discovered genital image can profoundly
impact self-confidence, sexual expressiveness, and openness to new ways of increasing
pleasure. Deborah and Karen offer a refreshingly healthy, complete guide to enhancing
not only outward appearance but also attitudes about female sexuality. An interesting
and entertaining book for women—and their partners!”
Jennifer Berman, M.D., director of the Female Sexual Medicine Center at
UCLA, host of “Berman & Berman,” and author of the best-selling book, For
Women Only
Warm, Humorous, and Sex-Positive . . .

“Let me count the ways this book is fantastic; it is the book we’d always wished
someone would write. It’s packed with information, has a warm, humorous and sex-
positive tone, and leaves nothing out. The frank and highly knowledgeable authors
dispense more valuable information about pubic hair care and styling than I’d ever
thought possible. Get this eBook, and enjoy knowing you’ve got the sexiest coiffure on
two legs.”
Violet Blue, author of several popular sex guides (among them The Ultimate
Guide to Cunnilingus and The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos), erotica editor
(including the Sweet Life: Erotic Fantasies for Couples series), sex columnist
and sex educator
Valuable Book of Knowledge . . .
“. . . a book written for women by women that is based on knowledge, not folklore
or myths. The photographs are sensual but discrete and artfully done, [and the]
medical terminology it uses when referring to the various parts of the vulva make this
a valuable book of knowledge with a real touch of sophistication.”
Dalene Estlin, Linear Reflections: The Review Site
The Mysteries and Secrets of Female Sexuality . . .

“Hot Pink should have been called ‘The Art of Decadence.’ . . . Beautiful line
drawings provide a template for the novice and offer new treats and tresures for long-
time afficionados. From Cleopatra to Aphrodite, no sensual bath is left undrawn . . . .
The information is presented in genuinely honest fashion and is a very quick read,
mining the substance and leaving out the hype. . . . The photos, art, and design of Hot
Pink beg to be displayed on every coffee table and will provide topics for conversation
and experimentation to help lay bare the mysteries and secrets of female sexuality and
sensuality.”
J. M. Cornwell, Scribe and Quill
Entertaining and Erotic . . .

“. . . a fun, informative book that didn’t preach to me in any way, shape, or
form . . . a refreshing change . . . not only entertaining but also erotic in many ways.”
Jenne, webmistress of Clitical.com
Hot Pink: The Girls’ Guide to Primping, Passion, and Pubic Fashion
HotPinkBook.com
Copyright © 2004 by Deborah Driggs and Karen Risch
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions,

including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
Published in the United States.
ISBN 0-9749830-0-4
Designed and illustrated by Robert Mott & Associates (Mottopia.com)

Cover image and all photographs inside the book (except as credited below)
by Paolo Lupone, used with permission
Licensed by PhotoDisc: sunrise, page 50; clock, page 54; kitty and oyster, page 56; piggy bank, page 57;
mouths, pages 58, 60, and 61; rose petals and oranges, page 64; herbs, page 66; tattooed woman, page 70; spa woman,
page 71; woman getting a massage, page 72; daisy, page 76; stethoscope, page 82; crashing wave, page 89.
Couple on page 52 by Robert Mott. Body art photographs on page 116 provided by the artist, Tioti.
Couple on page 142 by Jay Nicholas, licensed by DigitalVision.
If you’ve received this eBook without paying for it, you are in possession of stolen
material and should discard it. However, if you wish to legally purchase a copy,
we invite you to do so: Just click here.
To contact the authors with comments or personal stories, e-mail them at

authors@HotPinkBook.com
This book is intended for use by mature adults.

The authors are not medically trained, and the reader is reminded that following the guidelines, tips,
formulas, and product recommendations in this book is voluntary and at the reader’s own discretion.
The information presented herein is safe and satisfying for most adults; however, every individual is
different, and you should not undertake any technique that is not suitable to your physical condition.
This book discusses certain health conditions and care options of particular concern to women, yet it is
not intended to replace an ongoing relationship with and care from your gynecologist or family
physician. You should consult a health care professional with any questions.
Certain acts described in this book are illegal in some states, and no matter how stupid that is,
you should be aware of the laws where you live.
1
iv
Acknowledgments
W e owe our deepest gratitude to the women featured in Paolo

Lupone’s photographs. None are models by profession;
regardless, all are extraordinarily beautiful and real. You
have graced us with your sensuality, dignity, and personal styles. Brava!
We are also thankful for the many women who helped us develop this
book by discussing it with us, sharing their own experiences and
recommendations, giving us comments on the chapters as they were
written, and cheering us on when things got rough. Specifically, we want
to express thanks to Alexandria Abramian-Mott, Ruth Bogan, Natalie
Chapman, Sandra Choron, Layne Cutright, Jody Forman, Paige Grant,
Marlene Martin, Laura McGarrity, Nance Mitchell, Vicki St. George, Lou
Paget, Diane Paisley, Judy Pfleger, Carolyn Polson, Liisa Sanchez, Judy
Thompson, and Avonlie Wylson.
Kudos to Nancy Brand, who helped shape and promote this project
all along, Deena Banks for editing the book and tightening our prose, and
Paolo Lupone for the stunning flowers and nudes.
For his support and contributions to this eBook, and for his abiding
appreciation of our femininity and all that entails, we applaud Karen’s
husband, Robert Mott, who also provided gorgeous graphic design and
illustrations. y
1v
Contents
1. Clean and Simple: An Unabashed Introduction
to Intimate Grooming . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3
2. Creating Pubic Art: A Style Guide of the Latest ’Dos

(And How to Do Them ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21
3. Tidy Aphrodite: Bathtime Techniques . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .37
4. Love Nest: The Erotic Art of Grooming With a Partner . . . . . . . . . .53
5. Venus in the Modern Age:

Health Essentials for Every Woman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75
6. Tricks of the Trade: Interviews With Top Experts

NANCE MITCHELL, Aesthetician (Personal Groomer) . . . . . . . . .99
TIOTI, Body Artist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .117
LOU PAGET, Sex Educator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .129
LAYNE CUTRIGHT, Relationships Educator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .143
About the Authors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .169
Bibliography and Recommended Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .170
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Hot Pink The Girls’ Guide to Primping, Passion, and Pubic Fashion
12
Clean and Simple
An Unabashed Introduction to Intimate Grooming 1
“Mink.” Those are just some of the answers. Here’s the
“A leather jacket.”
“A pink boa.” question: “If your vagina got dressed, what
would it wear?”
“Jeans.”
“Emeralds.” How about it? Do you have a private
“An evening gown.” fashion sense? We’ll bet you do. Or that you’d
“Sequins.” like to. Perhaps you’ve considered giving
“Armani only.” yourself a trim, maybe taking a little off the
sides, or actually going all the way and
“A tutu.”
denuding yourself to surprise a lover. You
—From Eve Ensler’s aren’t alone if you’ve thought about it or even
The Vagina Monologues done it: For hundreds of years, women and
men have been primping their pubes. Before
razors, before bikini waxes, before Nair, the ancient Greeks and Asians actually plucked
their hair to shape it into an aesthetic ideal. All in the name of beauty!
Well, thank goodness for progress in this if nothing else. Today we can achieve our
own “aesthetic ideals” by using quicker, easier, less painful methods. And make no
mistake about it: The state of our pubic hair—its shape, fragrance, texture, even
color—makes a clear statement about us and our sensuality. It’s a personal expression
of our most private selves, not to mention incredibly sexy no matter whether we comb,
condition, cut, shave, wax, or loop daisies in it.
13
A World of Choices
In this book, we’ll give you a review of all the styles we’ve uncovered, along with tips
for best results and ideas for taking things a step further if you’re feeling up to it. You’ll
get insider tips from the top professionals, including everyone from aestheticians and
hairdressers to strippers and surgeons. You’ll have lots to share with a lover. Some of it
is risqué; all of it is creative and, we promise, naughty in a really nice way.
We begin with the basics, which turn out to be fabulously laden with possibility.
You would be amazed not only at how many style and care options you have but also
how unique you are before you do anything at all. Consider your “V” with its lovely,
springy fringe, the pubic hair. You might think there are only so many kinds out there,
not unlike mouths: big lips, thin lips; symmetrical, lopsided; pale pink, hot pink, red,
chocolate brown. Not much more to it than that, right? Wrong!
If you doubt us, pick up Joani Blank’s Femalia, but don’t say we didn’t warn
you: This book, with its innocuous cockle shell on the cover, boasts
thirty-two full-color photographs of—you guessed it—full on,
straight up, no frills crotch shots. They are bold, even clinical.
Every woman to whom we’ve shown this book has blanched.
You open that first page and bam! There’s a giant, well, photo
just staring right at you.
But the most remarkable thing is that every one is
different. Not different like noses. Different like fingerprints.
Here’s one with drapery-like inner lips; there’s one with petals.
Here’s one that looks shy, one that looks angry, one held open by—
most shocking of all—hands with dirty fingernails. Here’s one with hair
all around; there’s one with hardly any at all, except that stray poking out from under
the clitoral hood. And let’s hear it for those amazing clits! Hiding, exposed. Pointy,
round. Petite, plus-sized. We haven’t even started with what the women have done to
14 decorate themselves: shaving, piercing, you name it. Bottom line (and is there a more
bottom line?): Each is unique unto itself. Including yours.
Clean and Simple: An Unabashed Introduction to Intimate Grooming
The hair, too, is just as individual. Some women have little pubic hair, while others
have the kind of cascading tresses that would make Rapunzel envious. Both have
advantages: Less hair means less care, and more hair means more options.
Here are some facts. The primary purpose of la petite Pomadour is to trap feminine
aroma as an attracting scent for our sexual partners. Dr. Miriam Stoppard’s Woman’s
Body: A Manual for Life reports that pubic hair “begins to appear between the ages of
nine and thirteen on a girl’s labia majora, gradually spreading upward over her mons
pubis and out onto the very tops of the thighs.” By the way, it’s no coincidence that
puberty and pubic and pubis sound similar. All three come from the Latin pubescere, “to
be covered with hair.” At any rate, the doctor goes on to say, “Pubic hair is coarser in
texture than other body hair and is often darker than the hair on the head.” She tells
us genetics are the single greatest influence over the natural color, density, and texture
of our pubic hair. The following are Dr. Stoppard’s general descriptions (of course
there are exceptions), as well as variations due to mixed race, which accounts for 9
percent of the world’s population.
The Caucasian—a racial type not limited only to white Anglo-Saxons but also
including the pale Nordics, olive-skinned Mediterraneans, swarthy Arabs,
and darker Indians—usually grows longer, finer, more plentiful hair (49
percent of the population).
The Mongoloid, including the short, stocky Eskimos and Asians as well as the
taller Tartars, tends to have straight, dense, coarse hair (28 percent of the
population).
The Negroid, Africans and those of African descent, has short, tightly curled,
dense hair (12 percent of the population).
Everybody Else—The remaining 2 percent of the population belong to the
indigenous peoples, such as the Aborigines, Hottentots, Pacific Islanders, and
the aptly named Bushmen (and, certainly, Bushwomen). It’s no wonder that
this final group, with such a diverse mix of hair types and colors, is assumed
to be the predecessor to all the others.
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Even within a given racial group, the variations can seem endless. How plentiful is
the hair on the mound of Venus? (That’s the soft padding just over the pubic bones,
the top of the V you can see
when a woman is
The Chinese refer to pubic hair using various poetic
standing.) How about on
terms, including “black rose,” “fragrant grass,” “sacred the labia majora, the outer
hair,”or “moss.” Women without any pubic hair are lips? Is there any on the
known as “white tigers”; black pubic hairs are said to labia minora, the inner
lips? Does the hair grow
indicate a strong and obstinate woman; brown with
down to the fourchette (the
golden tints are the sign of an easy and generous woman; bottom of the vaginal
and fine, silky, short hair is said to mean quiet and opening)—or farther?
retiring [and bushy hair indicates a passionate woman]. If you’ve never done it
before, we suggest you take
In the Chinese culture, upward growth of a woman’s
some time acquainting
pubic hair is considered a sign of beauty; and abundant yourself with the unique
hair is regarded as a sign of sensuality and passion. growth patterns of your
Dr. Terri Hamilton, Skin Flutes & Velvet Gloves: own hair. Get out a mirror
A Collection of Facts and Fancies, Legends and Oddities and use your fingers to
About the Body’s Private Parts discover just what, exactly,
you’ve got to work with.
Some women find
exploring themselves fascinating. Some find
it awkward. Some find it embarrassing: It
requires a degree of self-confidence some of
us just don’t have. But, then again, if you can
muster the moxie to do this despite any
misgivings, you may find it to be one of the
16 most liberating experiences of your life.
In the early seventies, an artist named Betty Dodson began conducting

consciousness-raising courses in which women, completely nude, sat in a circle with
mirrors pointed at their privates. Open your legs and open your minds, she seemed to
be saying. And, according to most participants, it works. You’ve heard of personal
development seminars? Well, you can’t get more personal than this.
P A R T S O F T H E V U L V A
Many people refer to a woman’s
genitalia as the vagina, but the
mons pubis
(mound of Venus) vagina is really only one part of the
whole package, which is called the
shaft (hidden
under hood) vulva. Makes you wonder, doesn't
clitoral hood it? Could we possibly use less sexy

outer labia language to describe our sexual
clitoral glans parts? Throughout this book, we’ll
inner labia mostly use V, which echoes the
urethral natural shape of our pubic hair, as
vaginal opening opening
well as stands for Vulva and Vagina
and Venus and Voluptuous and
fourchette
Very important. For more ideas
about language, read chapter 4,
perineum “Love Nest: The Erotic Art of
Grooming With a Partner.”
17
Hair Care and Removal

Once you are completely familiar with the feel and placement of your own pubic
hair—curly or straight, long or short, abundant or sparse, wild and woolly or tidy and
tame—you’ll be ready to consider an array of choices.
No matter what you decide to do, here are a few general tips to pamper yourself:
• To keep your pubic hair soft, shampoo and condition every time you’re in
the shower.
• Do not attempt to remove hair growing on hypersensitive or damaged
skin (e.g., sunburned, chapped, abraded, scarred, broken out).
• Keep in mind that some people are allergic to certain products, so if you’re
introducing something new, test a small area of your skin first, wait one or
two days, and if there’s no irritation, go for it.
• Forget feminine spray and other deodorants. They are a waste of money
and potentially irritating. A woman’s own scent is seductive, and it can be
enhanced by a good shampoo and conditioner. In fact, the ancient,
illustrated pillow books (sex manuals, such as the Kama Sutra) took great
care in detailing the different aromas associated with the many types of
“appetizing flesh” they described—some pungent, some sweet, all
alluring. In general, think clean, not perfumed.
• If you’re going to remove hair from your bikini line, consider switching to
boxer-style panties to avoid chafing from the elastic leg bands in the
regular kind.
S H A V I N G • Probably the cheapest and most pain-free option you have,

shaving also earns points for being the quickest route to a new ’do. In Rome,
the Middle East, Japan, China, India, and North Africa, people have been shaving their
pubic hair for centuries. Here are some tricks to getting a close, smooth shave and
18 avoiding prickly bumps:

1. Trim before you shave any hair for the

first time. We suggest you take your According to Sexy Origins and Intimate
scissors into the shower so you can cut Things, a full 67 percent of men
the hair when it is freshly shampooed and
surveyed in 1995 found a shaved pubis
conditioned, then take a leisurely, warm
bath to soften the hair and open the pores irresistible on a woman. Even more
for a closer shave. important, a woman who grooms herself
2. Apply an antiseptic shaving cream or gel there enhances her own sexual
using your fingers or a badger brush (one
experience. One woman, who had
of those old-timey barber’s tools with a
short handle and long bristles designed recently gone completely bare, wrote in
for applying cream from a cup), which Cosmopolitan (August 1997),
will exfoliate then lift the hairs. Stay away When I put on my panties, it feels like a
from men’s mentholated creams (they
hand is rubbing against me down there.
burn!) and, again, consider a women’s
brand instead; they are much less When I show Steve the new me, he isn’t
irritating. quite sure how he likes it. But when we
3. Use clean, sharp razor blades, preferably a have sex later that night, we’re both
triple blade with a comfortable handle on
amazed at how much more sensitive I am
the razor. (You’ll probably need to change
the blades after every two to three uses.) during oral sex. There was a whole new
Never use someone else’s razor; not only area of bare skin down there. I could even
will the owner probably get annoyed with feel Steve’s hot breath on it, and it was
you, but this is a delicate area you’re
really erotic. y
shaving, and you don’t want to take any
chances with sharing bacteria.
4. Wherever you’re shaving, take it s-l-o-w if you’ve never done it there
before. We suggest shaving in the same direction the hair grows whenever 19
possible, especially if your hair is coarse, although going against the grain
cuts the hair closer to the skin.
5. After you’re done, gently rub with a washcloth to remove anything that
could clog your pores. Then rinse and apply a moisturizer of your choice.
Favorites include Neutrogena Light Sesame Oil (and you can use this all
over—and under—after your shower), aloe vera gel of any kind, or an
analgesic cream or spray, which may sting for a minute but then feel great.
Corn starch or baby powder also helps to prevent itching, but don’t apply
anything with talcum, because it can irritate. Over-the-counter cortisone
cream is another great preventive if you’re prone to uncomfortable
inflammation. Dab it on just after shaving.
6. Gently exfoliate with a bath buff or shower scrub, such as the almond-
based one in chapter 4, to help avoid ingrown hairs. You can also apply
moisturizer and baby powder daily to prevent irritation.
No matter what you’ve heard, here’s the truth: Shaving does not cause your hair to
grow back thicker or more abundant. The only real downside to shaving is that as the
hair grows back, it can poke your most sensitive spots. The good news is that it’s
perfectly safe to shave this area every day, just as you can with your legs or underarms.
Start by shaving every few days, then when the skin gets used to it, you can increase
frequency. However, if you’re looking for a longer-term solution, you can try . . .
W A X I N G • The primary benefits of waxing, whether you’re doing it at

home or in a salon or day spa, are a so-smooth finish and long-lasting hair
removal. Some women complain that it hurts too much, while others swear by this
method and regard the momentary discomfort as worth it.
1. Plan to spend at least half an hour and $50 for a simple, clean line (bikini
wax) or up to an hour and more than $75 for something elaborate (fruits,
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bows, logos, stars, hearts, etc.). At home, be sure to follow the directions
you receive with your waxing kit. One strong recommendation: Buy good
stuff. You know that commercial where the woman shakes her silky mane
and declares, “I'm worth it”? You’re worth it. Where hair is involved—and
especially the short hairs—a girl is entitled to splurge.
The Pain (Oh, Momma!)

First she waxed my behind, which hardly hurt at all. I was able to carry on a pretty
normal conversation. Then she did the front, the mons pubis. That smarted. My hands
began to sweat, and I wiped them off on my sweater. Next, yikes, she started between my
thighs. She warned me that the wax was going to feel warm on my labia. The wax is the
same temperature the whole time; it just feels a little warmer when applied to this
sensitive part of the body. Good thing she mentioned it, or I would have been startled for
a second. Then she told me to take a deep breath and let it out, and at the top of my
exhale, she ripped. “OH, MOMMA!” I said. I laughed and needed a second to recover.
I don’t know why I said such a stupid thing like “Oh, Momma.” What a dwid I am.
Since all the hairs don’t grow in the same direction there, she had to do it a couple
times in each direction to get all the hairs. She plucked a few that hadn’t come out. . . .
So that’s about it. The things I feared most didn’t happen. For example, in my
ruminations I imagined she might say, “Whoa, now there’s a hemorrhoid about the size
of Alaska.” (Things happen when you’ve given birth.) Or maybe, “Girl, this is the most
hair I’ve ever seen on anybody.” None of that happened. She was the consummate
professional.
I guess those Brazilian chicks thought they had a lock on this little wax job. Not
anymore! Good luck if you’re going for your first one. It is G-R-E-A-T. y
—A GRRRRL, from Members.Tripod.Com
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2. Consider the amount of hair you have in choosing a design. Denser hair
makes for a better “impression,” but take a look at the styles in chapter 2
and you’ll see many options for sparser hair. An aesthetician can also
advise you about how well a style will work with your hair type.
3. If you’ve shaved the area to be waxed before, then lay off for a month or
more before you visit an aesthetician or remove the hair yourself. Hair
grows in all directions, so letting the area grow in before removing it
prevents patches growing back soon afterward.
4. If you’ve been taking Retin-A or using any alpha-hydroxy-acid products
(no matter where you’ve been using them), you need to stop for three to
four days before you wax.
5. To offset the forthcoming pain and combat hyperpigmentation
(discoloration that could happen when the hair is yanked out by the
roots), you can take an anti-inflammatory or antihistamine.
6. Cleanliness counts. You’ll make points with your aesthetician if you’ve
bathed before your appointment. Exfoliate the day before, too.
7. For at least 48 hours after waxing, don’t use scented products—no body
lotion, perfume, or heavily fragranced soap. Also stay away from
excessively hot water and loofahs; a warm bath and soft washcloth are
okay. You can use a fragrance-free moisturizer or oil, and it’s a good idea
to exfoliate once a week to prevent ingrown hairs.
You’ll need to repeat professional waxing only once every four to six weeks, so this
helps offset the pain factor. (Here’s another tip: It’s usually more painful in the days
before, during, and after menstruation, so if you can, book your appointments mid-
cycle.) Of course, different people have different rates of hair growth and sensitivity,
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so for some, waxing is no big deal and the only way to go. For others, it’s an act of
heroism. The comedienne Rita Rudner once quipped, “Men are brave enough to go to
war, but not brave enough to get a bikini wax,” which, in our book, reflects more on
the pain of the wax than on the degree of men’s courage. Regardless, the first time is
the worst, then as hair grows in softer, waxing doesn’t smart so much.
Waxing has its own parlance, so in addition to our style guide in chapter 2,
following are some waxing options you should know:
A Bikini Wax cleans up any hair beyond the panty line. Perfect for a
conventional bathing suit or, duh, a bikini.
A Brazilian Bikini Wax leaves about a 11/2- to 2-inch vertical stripe in front,
deforests the lips and tush, with an option to wax in between the cheeks,
too. Ideal for someone wanting to get into typical Brazilian togs: a thong
and nothing else.
A Playboy Bikini Wax is a narower version of the Brazilian, leaving only a
skinny stripe of hair in the front. Great if you’re posing for a centerfold
or want to look like you are.
These days putting out one’s pretty power,

one’s pussy power . . . no longer makes you a bimbo—
it makes you smart.
Elizabeth Wurtzel
Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women
S U G A R I N G • A less painful way to get the smoothness associated with

waxing is by sugaring, the most popular hair removal method in North Africa
and the Middle East. It involves applying a mixture of warm sugar and lemon juice,
letting it harden slightly, then zipping away the hair. The sugar-mixture doesn’t adhere
to the skin the way that warm wax does; thus your skin doesn’t get ripped away with 1
13
the hair; thus the less-painful process. This is something that can be done at home
cheaply, and it involves a little time in the kitchen.
1. First, make the sugaring syrup: Over low heat, bring 2 cups sugar, 1/4 cup
lemon juice, and 1/4 cup water to a temperature of 250° F (use a candy
thermometer). Remove from the heat and cool enough so that you can
pour it into a mason jar, or some other container that can be reheated
safely. Further cool until the mixture can be put on your skin without
burning. Test it on the palm of your hand or the inside of your elbow, but
realize your pubic area will be even more sensitive.
2. While the syrup is cooling, cut or rip clean cotton fabric into one-inch
strips.
3. Using a popsicle stick or tongue depressor or tiny spatula, spread the
syrup in the direction of hair growth. Cover with the cotton strips, let set
for a few minutes, then quickly—no fooling: grab one end and pull
hard—rip off the strip in the opposite direction of hair growth.
4. All the tips listed for waxing apply here, too.
5. In the future, you can reheat the paste. This will thicken it, but there’s no
harm in that.
C R E A M D E P I L A T O R I E S • You can get depilatories in drug and

grocery stores, and they’re inexpensive ($1 to $8), fast, and—usually—
painless. That’s the good news. Now for the bad: the results are short-lasting (only
hours or days), the underlying hair may cast a shadow (as in 5 o’clock), and cheap
acidic products may cause irritation. This method of removing seems suited only to
those with fair, fine hair that grows slowly on skin that isn’t particularly sensitive. If
1
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you’re among those ranks, you may just love depilatories. Here’s how to use them for
best effect:
1. Consider buying a lotion or liquid depilatory instead of the cream variety

if you want to remove a lot of hair. But if you want to get specific,
get cream.
2. You’ll need disposable gloves, and an old towel to protect your hands and
work area. The depilatory is a chemical and you’ll want to treat it as such.
3. Follow the instructions that come with your depilatory. If you have any
adverse reaction, stop! There are so many other choices. Don’t torture
yourself.
E P I L A T O R I E S A N D T H R E A D I N G • Forget them. Remember we

said at the beginning of this chapter that we think plucking pubic hair is passé?
That’s what epilatories and threading procedures do: pull out your pubic hair by the
roots, one by miserable one. Ouch! So unless you’re into the pain, pass.
P E R M A N E N T H A I R R E M O V A L • We don’t really recommend

permanent hair removal for a couple of reasons: 1) It limits your choices in
the future, and 2) it hurts—both your wallet and often your sensitive pubic area, too.
Just for the sake of thoroughness, though, we’ll mention three methods: electrolysis,
thermolysis, and blend modalities. All three are painful, so most sessions are limited to
15–60 minutes and cost about $60/hour. It takes one to two years to completely
destroy the hair follicles and permanently stop hair growth.
Another method, the latest to come on the market, uses lasers to rapidly and gently
remove unwanted hair. Laser hair removal is less expensive than electrolysis but still
requires more than one treatment session. Expect to pay more than $1,500 to get the
job done, with each session coming in around $500.
For laser hair removal, you have to see an expert, and you must have hair darker
than the surrounding skin. People with naturally dark skin, regardless of the hair color, 1
15
absorb too much laser energy and aren’t candidates at all. People with tans will have to
practice patience, since they’ll have to wait for their bronzing to fade before treatment
can begin.
Still interested in a high-tech hairdo? Here’s our caveat: As with any of the methods
described here that involve a professional, choose wisely. This goes double for laser
customers. Many competing laser technologies exist, some of which are already
outdated and undesirable. View an online consumer guide to laser hair removal at
www.ConsumerLaserGuide.com. Educate yourself and be careful. Once it’s gone, it’s
gone forever.
()
So those are your options for hair removal. But does this mean you have to be
Edwina Scissorhands to get a great look? Absolutely not. Check out the first few styles
in the next chapter, which require little or no shaving or waxing—and
no plucking!
TREASURE CHEST
Look for this feature at the end of each chapter, which will provide you with
links to recommended products, books, and Web sites. You’ll find items to
help you put what you’ve just read to practical use. We’ve stocked our
Treasure Chests only with materials we’ve seen, used, tasted, tested, and
otherwise evaluated to make sure they meet our standards. If you know
about something wonderful we have overlooked, please contact us and let
1
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us know about it!
TREASURE CHEST
Hair Care Down There Ultimate Shaving Kit
Delivered in a gorgeous aqua carry-all, this beauty has the three most
important things for a safe, comfortable shave: good shaving gel, an after-shave
spray (which stings some but does a great job preventing irritation), and a
fragrance-free moisturizer. It also includes a razor, scissors, a little comb and
brush, mirror (excellent for viewing all angles), stencils, and—best of all—
dainty stick-on jewels. A wonderful treat for yourself. To get information or
order online, click here.
Just Kittyng Complete Kit (Wax)

A petite collection of five waxing strips (double-sided and usable three times
each, for a total of thirty applications), Soothing Gel, “Sex Symbols” (heart-
shaped stencils), a comb, tweezers, scissors—all in an adorable, discreet tin.
Probably not ideal for major wax jobs, but great for travel and upkeep. A por-
tion of this company’s profits benefits breast cancer research. To get informa-
tion or order online, click here.
Badger Brush
Crabtree & Evelyn carries a number of lovely self-care supplies, as well as a
whole line of high-end bathwares. Shop online at Crabtree-Evelyn.com and
input the search term “badger brush” to see a multitude of options, any of
which would be a lovely addition to your personal shaving kit.
Sexy Briefs
Many of the “boyleg” and “boyshorts” boxer-style briefs are just that: boyish.
But at PamperedPassions.com, you’ll find a variety of beautiful, comfy yet
seductive underwear by famous makers, including French and Italian lingerie
(Continued on next page.)

1
17
TREASURE CHEST (Continued from previous page.)
and other luxuries. See especially their sexy and sophisticated Tamarine Boxer
with Tanga Back by Chantelle, an alluring bra and panty duo in sumptuous col-
ors. And in some cases, “boxer” doesn’t necessarily mean longer legs; it can also
mean those short-shorts that show off your derriere. For a gorgeous version in
stunning, satiny embroidery over tulle, see the Nirvana Boxer Short by I.D
Sarrieri. Very hot!
Femalia, edited by Joani Blank (Book)
Thirty-two photos of vulvas provide great insight into the extreme individuality
of women’s private parts—each woman’s labia, clitoris, pubic hair (or lack
thereof), decorations, and fingers are uniquely different. To get information or
order online, click here.
Viva la Vulva by Betty Dodson (VHS)
In this daring (and baring) video, ten women aged twenty-five to sixty-eight
groom and gussy up for their glamorous genital portraits. You see the primping
session, the photo shoot, an instructional bit about the clitoris, and a ten-step
process for satisfying genital massage. If you’ve felt reluctant to view your own
vulva, ever wondered about the natural variety in other women, or wanted to
celebrate the beauty of the vulval form, this video’s for you. To get information
or order online, click here.
The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler (DVD or Book)

As Gloria Steinem’s foreword states, this play is “the journey of truth-telling
we’ve been on for the past three decades.” Funny, thought-provoking, some-
times sorrowful, this is a great resource for any woman wanting to know her
1
18
own vagina—and how other women view theirs. Click here for more on the
book, or here for the DVD.
When he went backstage to see her, she was dressing among a profusion of flowers;
and for the delight of her admirers who sat around her, she was rouging her sex with
her lipstick without permitting them to make a single gesture towards her.
When the Baron came in, she merely lifted her head and smiled at him. She had
one foot on a little table, her elaborate Brazilian dress was lifted, and with her jeweled
hands she took up rouging her sex again, laughing at the excitement of the men
around her.
Her sex was like a giant hothouse flower, larger than any the Baron had seen, and
the hair around it abundant and curled, glossy black. It was these lips that she rouged
as if they were a mouth, very elaborately so that they became like blood-red camellias,
opened by force, showing the closed interior bud, a paler, fine-skinned core of
the flower. y
Anaïs Nin, “The Hungarian Adventurer” in Delta of Venus
1
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Creating Pubic Art
A Style Guide of the Latest ’Dos
(And How to Do Them)
2
“It says So advised the glamorous and uninhibited
as much character Samantha, played by Kim Catrall, when

recommending a new pubic ’do to her friends.
about you Given the style points these trendsetters give their
footwear, that’s saying something! Pubic primping
as your has become just another aspect of fashion, which
has now officially worked its way into every nook
shoes.” and cranny of our lives.

Ready to try something new? Whether you
—From Sex and the City decide to go au naturel (a full, fluffy look) or totally
bare (for maximum sensitivity) or anything in
between, it should be a reflection of you—your preferences, your taste, your unique
and private personality. Consult the style guide that follows for ideas, then use them or
make up your own as you go along. We’d love to hear from you if you design a new
look or find a creative way to apply what you’ve learned here. Express yourself!
1
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“Au Naturel”
Description. Just what it sounds like—ain’t nothing but the real
thing, baby.
Instructions. Do nothing!
Recommendations. In the summer, get a bikini wax if you want, or
just shave on the sides and trim a little of your length to keep
hair from poking through or out the sides of a bathing suit.
Since you’ve got plenty of hair to work with, you can do a lot of
preening for special occasions: tie bows, lace daisies, style with
diamond-studded bobby pins . . .
Hairdressing
[In the sixteenth century,] fresh flowers were also
used, as were many precious and semi-precious
jewels that were neatly tied into position in a random
pattern with the flowers. Some ladies used perfume
that was discreetly located and they also plucked out the fringe areas of the pubic region,
somewhat in the oriental manner, to achieve a more aesthetically decorative shape,
whilst others preferred small plaits adorned with baroque pearl droplets—suggesting
that such a fashion gave rise to the term “a woman’s treasure chest” and “to obtain the
favour of a lady” was an expression to be taken in a literal sense. y
—JULIAN ROBINSON, A Guide to Human Sexual Display: Body Packaging
1
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Creating Pubic Art: A Style Guide of the Latest ’Dos (and How to Do Them)
“Nearly Natural”
Description. Bare bikini line.
Instructions. Shave or wax the hair that grows in the
crease of the leg and down onto the inner thigh, and
leave the rest naturally full.
Recommendations. Your options are essentially the
same as with Au Naturel. Use your imagination and
enjoy the fullness of your long, flowing locks.
Experiment with shampoos and conditioners, or adorn
yourself with your favorite flounces to create the look
of a garden or a treasure chest.
“Power Puff” (or “Mighty Muff”)

Description. Bare bikini line, short but curly hair
everywhere with a rounded top.
Instructions. Trim the hair all over to about half an inch,
then shape the pubic area into a “puff ” by rounding the
top and tapering the sides. You can either go completely
bare on the lips, too, or leave them fluffy.
Recommendations. Feel the power!
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“The Fan”
Description. Like a snow cone or Japanese fan, this style is wide at
the top and narrow toward the lips.
Instructions. Wax a straight line on the top (waxing is the only way
to go for precision), and a straight line just inside the crease of
the thigh. Trim the hair close to the skin (about an eighth of an
inch), including the hair on the lips, so there are no strays
anywhere.
Recommendations. You want those lines to be perfectly straight so
this doesn’t look like a bad mowing job. For best results, see a
professional; this one’s tough to get right at home. In a salon, they
often refer to this design as a triangle pattern — it can be as big
or little as you like.
“Chic & Shaved”

Description. A narrower, longer version of
The Fan.
Instructions. Shave or wax the bikini line and
leave the top natural. Trim the hair to about
one-quarter of an inch all over.
Recommendations. This style is great for
someone who wants a manicured look
without a lot of fuss.
1
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Creating Pubic Art: A Style Guide: The Latest ’Dos and How to Do Them
Although the trend now seems to be toward bare, there are still those who prefer
a good bit of the fluffy stuff, who revere it, even. The November 2003 issue of GQ
asked, “Is Bush Back?” Here’s some of what writer George Gurley reported:
I’d loved an old-school nether region ever since I was a kid in the ’70s, when my pals
and I discovered a stack of old Playboys and I met Rita Lee. She was a centerfold, 24 years
old, from Frederic, Wisconsin. She had great boobs and all, but what entranced me was
her southern coiffure. It was serious, heavy-duty, dirty blond. It could have been a guest
star on Starsky and Hutch. It was mesmerizing.
I’ve missed Rita Lee these past few years. Especially recently, when the once hot
Brazilian totally lost its allure. It was everywhere. What used to be a thrill became
predictable. . . . [A] bartender told me, “Everyone I’ve dated for the past five or six years
has been very bare.”
“I like a full bush,” said another guy at the bar. “Not a little shrub. I want to be able to
weave it.”
I felt I’d discovered a silent majority. Men were supposed to be primary beneficiaries
of the wax. But now men were quietly confessing they’d become tired of the wax. They
yearned for fuller growth, a return to nature. So my spirits lifted when I began hearing
that women are getting sick of the wax. . . .
“I do think bush is back,” says Amy Sohn, a sex columnist. “I wouldn’t say back to ’70s
level, but I’ve seen more sprout going on down there.” . . .
Now Sohn says she and her husband, artist Charles Miller, are fans of what she calls
the “faux ’70s” look—bushy on top and bare on just the naughty bits.
“The ’70s on top and ’90s down below!” she says. “You look essentially unaltered,
except you have the sexual pleasure that the Brazilian affords you.”
“It’s all the trend,” confirms Brenna Collins, the director at New York’s Haven spa. “It’s
now very popular to leave a triangle or heart shape just in the front, the top area. If you
look at her front-on, you would think that she’d had nothing done. It’s like a surprise
when she spreads her legs.” y
1
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“Raincloud”
Description. Thin on top, full on the bottom near the lips.
Instructions. Shave or wax across the top and down the sides to
make a rectangular box. Now get out the scissors or an electric
trimmer to take the hair down to about an eighth of an inch,
working your way to just above the lip opening. Now trim the
hair on the lips to about a quarter of an inch, so that as you look
down your belly, it looks like a downpour.
Recommendations. This simple design’s perfect for grooming as a
couple. (More on that in chapter 4, “Love Nest: The Erotic Art of
Grooming With a Partner.”) Just show your lover the picture,
and get busy.
“Soul Patch”
Description. An oval that just covers the front but
leaves the lower lips completely exposed;
shaped like a beatnik’s mini-beard.
Instructions. Wax or shave the top down to about
half an inch from the opening of the lips, and
clean the bikini area to make a straight line up
from the crease in your thigh. Wax, shave, or
closely trim the hair on the lower lips.
Recommendations. This is the kind of style that
could get itchy fast if you have coarse or dense
hair. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it!
Regularly conditioning your hair and waxing for a
smoother finish should do the trick.
1
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Some women are afraid that a
man who expresses an interest
in shaven pubes is suppressing a
secret desire for underage girls.
But, largely, the opposite is true.
It is the sight of a fully mature
vulva, completely hairless, with
nothing hidden, that most men
find so arousing.
Why do men like it so much?
First, because it shows them
instantly that the women in their
lives want to arouse them.
Second, because it openly
displays that part of the female
anatomy that really
excites them.
Graham Masterton, Drive Him Wild
1
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“Pubic Sculpture”
Description. Any intricate design, such as fruit (strawberry, peach,
pineapple), shapes (heart, club, diamond, Mercedes Benz logo,
gift box with a bow, or an arrow, which is also known as “driving
directions”), and so on.
Instructions. You can attempt these designs at home with a good
stencil (see your free bonus, Hot Pink Body Art and Stenciling Kit,
for ideas and tips), but even with a steady hand and the best of
intentions they can turn out a little erratic. To clean up your act,
you just may have to take it all off and go bare for a while.
Recommendations. We suggest you visit a salon and tell a
professional exactly what you want. Ask your aesthetician about
dying your hair, too, such as red for a strawberry, light orange for
a peach, or powder blue for a Tiffany box, which is one of the
hottest hairstyles in Hollywood these days.
Lap of Luxury
About that Mercedes Benz logo . . . True story: One woman
wanted to surprise her Mercedes-loving husband for their
anniversary, so she had her curlies waxed into the shape of the
luxury logo. They went away on holiday to celebrate, and she told
him, “I have a great Mercedes gift for you!” He replied, “Really? I
thought I had everything . . .” “Not this!” She beamed as she lifted
her nightgown. She says they laughed for half an hour. y
1
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Creating Pubic Art: A Style Guide of the Latest ’Dos (and How to Do Them)
“Homage”
Description. Any hairstyle that imitates a famous person.
We’ve heard of the “Elvis” (sideburns with a tuft of hair
on top), the “Marilyn” (platinum blonde), the “Charlie
Chaplin” (a small rectangle just over the lips with a hat-
shape above), among others. How about more
contemporary tributes? Of course! Consider the
“Beckham,” after the sexy Brit soccer captain’s Mohican:
a long stripe of close-cropped hair much like the Chic &
Shaved described on page 20. This one has become
popular among Japanese World Cup fans.
Instructions: As with “Pubic Sculpture,” professional help
will go a long way to making these turn out right. If you
insist on doing it yourself, try making a stencil and using
a washable ink pen to outline your design. This should
work if you crop the hair close before shaving or waxing
away the bits you want to be bare. (Learn more in the free
bonus you received with this book, The Hot Pink Body Art
and Stenciling Kit.)
Recommendations. Don’t give serious thought to this,
because it won’t get you anywhere. Instead, start
laughing. Think caricature. Consider people who have
signature features you’d like to install downstairs: Marge
Simpson’s blue bouffant? Joan Crawford’s arched
eyebrows? Cher’s silky black tresses from the seventies?
(Hair extensions, anyone?)
1
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“Brazilian”
Description. There are many versions of this style, but the one thing
they all share is short, short hair, bare lips, and a clean “thong”
area (that’s between your cheeks).
Instructions. For a variation we call “High & Tight” (perfect for
militant feminists and army wives alike), trim to about an eighth
of an inch all over, then wax or shave hair into a strip about an
inch across and up to three inches above the opening of the lips,
extending about half an inch below the opening. Wax or shave the
lower lips. For “Two Bits” (as in “shave and a haircut . . .”), trim
and wax as with the High & Tight, but go ahead and take the top
down to within a quarter of an inch of the opening. For a
“Teardrop,” leave the hair a little longer and bring it to a point at
the top, rounded on the bottom. For the “Playboy,” also known as
a “landing strip,” leave a long, thin stripe.
Recommendations. With this little hair, cotton underwear,
or nothing at all if you’re wearing a dress and feeling free, feels
the best.
Trouble in Paradise?
Nicks and razor burn are usually caused by
rushing, a dull blade, or not enough lubricant
for a clean shave. So these are easily
prevented—take it easy and change your blades
often. (The minute you feel a drag on your skin,
you know the blade is going dull. Throw it out!)
You can also try using a razor that has a
1
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moisturizing strip or shave gel built in.
Ingrown hairs. Pseudofolliculitis barbae. Whatever you call it, those nasty, itchy,
tingly, tender little red bumps can sure put the brakes on any enjoyment you might be
getting out of a new hairdo.
While we packed the first chapter of this book with preventive advice (tips for
prepping and after-care for each of the hair-removal methods), we also want to give
you some solutions if these should ever happen to you. First, know that this irritation
can occur whether you are using wax, a depilatory, laser treatment, electric razor, or
blades, though it’s somewhat more common with shaving. It results from the hair
curling back into the skin and causing an inflammation in the follicle.
So here’s how you deal with it:
• Don’t shave or wax or apply a depilatory until the condition has cleared up.
• Don’t scratch! You can swab the area with alcohol, which should cause
itchiness to abate temporarily. (It may sting.) You can also use cortisone cream
sparingly.
• Some people are successful at extracting the hair from the follicle by applying a
hot towel (soaked in hot but not too-hot water) to loosen and soften the hair,
then using sterilized tweezers to nudge the little rabbit out of its hole. Kids, you
can try this at home, but be careful!
• In the shower, gently exfoliate with an anti-bacterial scrub with uniformly
shaped granules or with a sanitary bath buff. Don’t do this if you have an
infection, which you can identify by pustules—little white heads on the red
bumps.
• If you think the bumps are infected, use an antiseptic such as tea tree oil. If the
pustules don’t clear up in a few days, see a doctor.
• Remember prevention is key. Review your hair-removal tips in the first chapter.
(Continued on next page.) 1
31
• If you have the kind of hair that simply refuses to respond to any of the
preventive measures or care methods, consider just going natural or else
trimming the hair rather than trying to remove it.
Regrowth is a bitch. That’s just the truth of it. And the coarser the hair, the bitchier—
and itchier. How to cope? Assuming you don’t want to permanently remove the hair,
here are some pointers:
• Shaving more frequently will, of course, keep the regrowth issue to a minimum.
To completely avoid the poke factor, shave at least every other day or as often
as once a day.
• If you wax or sugar, you’re pretty much out of luck (you can’t do this every day),
but you do have the bonus of decreased hair growth over time. With both of
these procedures, you are potentially damaging some of the hair follicles—and
that means those hairs won’t grow back. With any luck, they’ll thin out to such a
degree that regrowth becomes a complete nonissue. y
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“Completely Bare” (a.k.a. “Slick,” “Smoothie,” and “Sphynx” )

Description. Completely bald: no hair anywhere.
Instructions. Take it off, take it all off!
Recommendations. If you have coarse or particularly dense
hair, this may be only a once-in-a-while style for you, or
else you’ll definitely want to wax, because shaving the Foxy
whole area every day could get irritating, both to the
skin and to you, and heavy regrowth all the time could
be equally uncomfortable. Some people swear by
depilatories for taking it all off, and this may be a good
solution for you. Once you’re there, as they say, if you’ve
got it, flaunt it! This style is especially suited to filigree,
such as stick-on jewels (one salon in Manhattan offers
sparkly Swarovski crystals), temporary tattoos of your favorite words or
pictures, henna designs, even body paint. You have a bare canvas . . . create!
()
If you’ve never gone bare before, and you’d like to experiment, we have a few
suggestions. Start slow. Begin with one of the styles that appears early in this chapter
(they go from more to less hair as you read on), then start taking more and more off
over the course of a couple of weeks. If you’re feeling bold—and you want that fab
tongue-on-skin feeling during oral sex—then take the hair off your lips (outer labia)
sooner rather than later. Slowly whittle away the rest of your hair every few days
until you’re completely smooth. This is a great way to 1) get used to the feeling of
being more and more exposed and 2) tease your lover. By the time the last wisps are
whisked away, it will have been like one long, delicious striptease.
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TREASURE CHEST
No-Nick Shaver
Want a no-fuss, no-muss way to make going bare a breeze? The Seiko Cleancut
razor is a rotary-style electric model for use on short, short hair. In other
words, you’ll have to trim very close first, but then you are good to go, girl! This
mini-appliance gives as close a shave as cream and blades, and promises no
nicks or ingrown hairs. Great for everyday use.
Sparkly Adhesive Body Art plus Hair Bows and Baubles

You can pick up individual stones to make your own patterns or prefab
“jeweled tattoos” in a variety of colors and designs (adorable!), plus many
other shimmering embellishments, including velcro-backed jewels that stick to
dense pubic hair and a glittery “body writer” gel, at GoGirlUSA.com. This site
does not offer online ordering, but if you download the “retail order form,”
purchasing this stuff is a snap by phone, fax, or mail. For dainty bows, go to
BloomingBows.com, which has teensy ones, and MiniDolls.com, which carries
pretty silks and trims you can either tie on or stick on with eyelash glue.
Bath Products and Shaving Supplies

At ScentedBoutique.com, you’ll find dozens of excellent bath goodies, among
them Razor Guard, which extends the life of your blades and replaces shaving
cream.
Going Down: Lip Service From Great Writers (Book)

Voluptuous, vibrant excerpts about oral sex from some of the world’s best-
known and most respected writers, among them Erica Jong, Anaïs Nin,
1
34
Norman Mailer, Philip
Roth, Gay Talese, John
Updike, and Oscar Wilde.
To get information or
acquire the book,
click here.
Sex and the City on DVD

So far, we’ve counted three
shows featuring pubic
primping: Samantha’s
boyfriend shaves her pubic
hair into a lightning bolt,
Samantha talks the girls
into a wax job in Los
Angeles, and (who else?)
Samantha accidentally
dyes her hair orange and
laments having become
“Bozo the Bush.” Every
episode is a treasure,
whether intimate groom-
ing makes an appearance
or not. To get information
or acquire the series on
DVD, click here.
Queen
Tidy Aphrodite
Bathtime Techniques 3
Cleopatra Then she bathed in milk, water, and still more
rose petals before meeting her paramour, Mark
covered the Anthony, one of many lovers who became so
intoxicated with her that he literally changed
floor of the world.
her boudoir Mary Queen of Scots filled her tubs with

with a dense wine. Queen Elizabeth of Hungary immersed
herself in rosemary-infused water, drank it,
carpet of then massaged herself with it, curing her joints
of paralysis and luring a much younger man
rose petals . to her bed.
In the realm of fine art, Fragonard, Renoir,
Cézanne, Degas, Seurat, and other masters chose beautiful female bathers as the
subject of their paintings, and no wonder: Bathing can be an art form on its own. By
taking the time to pamper yourself, you honor your body, put yourself in the frame of
mind to enjoy lovemaking, and can explore and implement your personal preferences
for scent and sensation, especially in the pubic region.
But let’s get something straight right away: Women don’t need to mask their most
personal fragrance with deodorant or scrub it off with soap to have an incredibly sexy
smell. Although you can still find feminine hygiene sprays and douches on the shelves
of any grocery or drug store, they have to be the most unnecessary (and sometimes
harmful) products you could ever purchase for your tender parts. Not to mention they 1
37
don’t do anything at all that enhances your allure. Who wants a vulva that smells like
cheap air freshener?
Besides, a woman’s natural vaginal aroma, or cassolette (French for “perfume
box”), can be a powerful attractant on its own. In his book, The New Joy of Sex, Alex
Comfort, M.D. calls the cassolette the single greatest sexual asset after beauty. Scientists
tell us it is made up of pheromones (which you can’t smell in the usual sense but which
send powerful signals to the brain), musk, indole (an aphrodisiac chemical also
present in lilac, narcissus, orange blossom, and tuberose), and at least a hundred other
components. These combine to create a signature scent for every woman, a formula
naturally designed to tantalize and arouse a lover, and even tickle the taste buds.
That’s not to say people don’t have preferences or that your natural odor can’t be
enhanced. Some are particularly passionate about the smell of an unwashed woman,
most notably the emperor Napoleon Bonaparte. When he knew he would be return-
ing from the battlefield, he would send instructions to his wife, Josephine, not to bathe.
“Ne te laves pas, je revien,” he would write. “Don’t wash, I’m coming home.”
A thousand kisses to your neck, your breasts,

and lower down, much lower down, that little
black forest I love so well.
Napoleon Bonaparte
Letter to the empress Josephine
We can only assume she honored his wishes. But we know for certain Jo did use
the scent of violets to freshen her personal bouquet, and the potent combination kept
the little general in thrall his whole life.
The girl had confidence, to be sure. And that’s really what we’re after here: Not a
1
38
recipe for the perfect perfume to apply to your privates, but instead a personal ritual
for intimate grooming—one to keep you feeling sexy while driving your lover wild.
Tidy Aphrodite: Bathtime Techniques
Start by imagining yourself as Aphrodite, commonly known as the goddess of love

and beauty, but in truth the spirit of primal sexuality: desire, seduction, and ecstasy.
The idea is to recognize the inherent power of what you’ve already got—no less who
you already are—to revel in that, and to find ways to heighten your own sultry smell.
In this chapter, we offer ideas for making your bath a temple of tender care, giving you
insights for decorating la toilette with powerful feminine sexual symbols, suggestions
for enhancing your natural scent, as well as specific recommendations for bathing
before (and after) a sexual encounter.
Adorning the Temple

Let’s face it: A goddess deserves and
demands accessories . . . beautiful things to
see and touch, inspirational objects to get
her in the mood. Consider this as you dec-
orate your bathroom: What luxuries caress
your soul? What flowers soothe and intoxi-
cate you? What fruits do you find seductive?
What are your favorite colors and scents
and sounds? Appeal to all your senses, and
they will come alive.
Certain items have been imbued with
eroticism for thousands of years, mainly
due to shapes that suggest the female form.
(No doubt you’ve recognized yourself in
Georgia O’Keeffe’s flowers.) On the next
page is a list of sacred sexual totems. Consider incorporating these, or artistic repre-
sentations of them, into your private bath to create a decidedly feminine essence,
something worthy of your inner Aphrodite.
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S AC R E D S E X UAL TOTE M S
Shells, especially the cowrie, conch, scallop, and cockle
Flowers, most often the lotus, lily, rose, and orchid
Fruits, particularly the apricot, fig, peach, coco-de-mer, apple,
pomegranate, and quince
Nuts with a vulvar shape, such as almonds and walnuts
Spices, such as cinnamon and cardamom, fennel, and myrrh
Stones, large or small, with holes in them, or formed like archways,
which echo the shape of a woman’s vulva
Animals, frequently the dove (Aphrodite’s primary sacred animal)
and the dolphin
In addition, candles blend masculine (the stick) and feminine (the flame)
symbols, plus they can inexpensively provide an exotic, aromatic ambience. You can
acquire beautiful statues reminiscent of ancient fertility symbols or depicting
goddesses, such as the Hindu Shakti and the Nepalese Uma, as well as reproductions
of the art mentioned throughout this chapter. Small fountains come in a variety of
shapes, some of them highly suggestive. Other objects may have personal significance
for you, representing your creativity or self-expression or sensuality, and these would
be great for the bath, too. You’re building a shrine to your womanliness, so use
personal icons, plus any other symbols and sights that will help to create a lush,
sumptuous retreat for relaxation and renewal.
Anointing the Altar

You constantly, naturally produce vaginal fluids, also known as the female love
juices, the dew of ecstasy, and the aqua vitae, or “waters of life.” What to do if you don’t
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go for Josephine’s jaunty, I-smell-jim-dandy-no-matter-what approach? First, know
that the vagina is described by gynecologists as self-cleansing, meaning there’s not
much you should do. In this case, less is best: Warm Oooooh, and there’s one other
water is really all you need, but if you wish to use soap, accoutrement every woman should
choose something mild. Absolutely do not use any of have: a fine, reliable, hand-held
the antibacterial bars, because they upset a delicate
showerhead, the kind that pul-
balance and could cause inflammation or worse.
sates, sprays, and massages with
Your vaginal fluid should have a pleasant, tangy
smell, though when trapped in a pair of underwear for adjustable jets. This can be invalu-
an extended period of time, it can grow sour. So wear- able when you’re trying to get
ing breathable fabric next to your skin is a definite plus. clean (or dirty). A posting at
By the way, if you’re smelling “fishy,” it’s probably Clitical.com by “Katydid” says it all:
because you had unprotected sex recently. The combi-
Switching over to pulse mode . . .
nation of some men’s semen with your warm, moist
I place my foot on the edge of the tub
environment can temporarily give rise to this odor.*
But don’t be tempted to douche for this! It’s a definite . . . opening my legs wider. Reaching
don’t: Gynecologists warn that not only is it a waste of down with one hand I spread my
money, but it 1) can also actually increase discharge and pussy lips open wide, exposing the
odor and 2) may cause pelvic inflammatory disease, pink softness inside. Bringing the
which can lead to a whole host of problems, not least of showerhead in close . . . the warm
which are chronic pelvic pain and infertility.
water pulses on me . . . making my clit
Instead, use your friendly showerhead to introduce
water to all your nooks and crannies, or run a bath with hard in an instant. With the right
your favorite, lightly scented bath oil and use your imagination, I can feel lips there,
fingers to gently cleanse the folds of your labia. That’s it. searching . . . a tongue, flicking . . .
Nothing else required. fingers working over it. y
If you want to perfume your pubic hair, though,
feel free. As suggested earlier in this book, shampoo and condition your curlies when-
*If this odor is persistent, however, it could be a sign of bacterial vaginosis (BV). Untreated, this is a
serious condition, but it’s easy for a doctor to diagnose and cure. See your physician if you are
concerned.
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ever you wash the hair on your head. If you’ve shaved,

What’s Normal? you’ll want to moisturize and possibly use baby powder,
According to one study, the average too, but remember, no talc.
amount of vaginal fluid discharged on For a little extra attention, apply any of the follow-
ing essential oils in proximity to your V, where they will
any given day is about 1.5 grams, or 1/4
waft nearby and enhance the ambience if you’re expect-
teaspoon. (This does not include ing a visitor. These were suggested by Margo Anand in
menstrual flow.) Yet scientists have her book, The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred
actually done very little study of this Sexuality for Western Lovers:
aspect of feminine biology, and real Mint on your bellybutton to “awaken a sense of
women vary greatly from this average. If power and centeredness”
you are concerned—especially if the Vanilla or pure, natural extract of the ylang-ylang
amount of discharge is not normal for flower (not synthetic because it could burn) on
the perineum for sexual stimulation
you, or it has an unusual odor for you, or
Lemon or lemongrass on your legs to improve
if it itches, burns, or irritates—see your
circulation
gynecologist and get her opinion. y
Other scents she suggested for other locations:
lavender on your temples and behind your ears for relaxation, eucalyptus on your chest
for easy breathing, and sandalwood between your eyebrows and on the top of your
head for serenity. If you enjoy these fragrances, though, there’s no reason you couldn’t
apply them behind your knees, smooth them on your backside, or dab them on your
inner thighs, too. Not bad spots for a touch of your favorite perfume or cologne,
either—though you may decide to swear off synthetics after you read in the next
chapter how they affect sexual arousal.
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Bathing Rituals
One of the great things about taking a bath
or long shower is the ceremony it injects into our
everyday lives. We slow down, stop talking, start
breathing deeply, touch ourselves all over. It feels
great to engage in these rites, taking care of our
bodies reverentially.
It also bears repeating that a bath is a terrific
way to soften your pubic hair and open the pores
prior to any shaving you might do.
Below are several detailed bathing rituals. We
suggest you try them all as prescribed, then
choose one or two to adapt and make your own
through repetition. Salud!
Aro m a t h e ra p y B a t h # 1
The Spa Treatment
1. Light a candle with a relaxing, natural aroma.
2. Fill your bathtub with warm water and add several pumps of body
wash, a scented bicarbonate ball (“bath bomb”), or a handful of scent-
ed bath salts—rosemary, chamomile, jasmine, limeflower, and ver-
vaine are great before sleeping. (Avoid anything that contains sodium
lauryl sulfate, which breeds bacteria in your bathwater. Blecch.)
3. Blend a body wash with sugar for an exfoliating body scrub, then use
it on your feet and elbows and anywhere else you like.
4. Soak in the tub to melt away the scrub.
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5. Mist your face with a cooling spray, Checklist for the

either pure water or a cosmetic Ideal Bath
product of your choice.
❑ Warm Bathroom
6. Apply a cool compress to your ❑ Aroma Jar
forehead.
❑ Soothing Music
7. When you’re ready, emerge from ❑ Warm Towels
the tub and dry yourself with a
❑ Bubbles/Oil/Salts
luxurious, fluffy towel.
❑ Body Scrub/Loofah
8. Finish by rubbing a body lotion that ❑ Back Brush
includes aloe and glycerine all over,
❑ Soap
then lightly spray your neck, belly,
❑ Sponge
and behind with the fragrance of
your choice: an oil mist or eau de ❑ Washcloth
toilette. ❑ Face Mask
❑ Nail Brush
❑ Pumice Stone
❑ Rubber Massage Glove
❑ Massage Oil
❑ Champagne, Wine, or
Herbal Tea
❑ Body Moisturizer
❑ Bathrobe
❑ Lots of time—
lock the door! y
—The Body Shop Book:
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Skin, Hair and Body Care
Below are two lovely aromatherapy prescriptions from The Enchanted Bath. The
recommended ritual is to imagine yourself the titular woman (the lady for whom the
concoction is named) and surround yourself with anything that would remind you of
her time and place and spirit. Add the mixture to a hot bath (98 to 104 degrees
Fahrenheit), then soak for 20 to 30 minutes.
Cleopatra’s Bath of Roses: To Awaken the Senses
6 to 10 drops rose essential oil
1/4 to 1/2 cup goat’s milk
At least 2 handfuls of rose petals
Orange candle(s)
1 beautiful robe
Draw a hot bath. In a small bowl, mix oil and goat’s milk, then add to
the water. Sprinkle fresh rose petals, too. Before you climb in, set the mood
by lighting the candle(s) and turning off all the lights. “To honor the
queen,” urges The Enchanted Bath, “have your flashiest bathrobe ready to
slip into when you finish soaking in the milk bath. Cleopatra loved silk, and
her favorite colors were purple and gold.”
Don’t have time to make your own bath formulas? Never fear, the
Treasure Chest at the end of this chapter has some great sources for
luxurious, ready-made bath treatments you can purchase online.
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Aphrodite’s Conjuring Waters:
For Pure Pleasure
4 drops ginger essential oil
4 drops sandalwood essential oil
4 drops vanilla extract or absolute
4 drops ylang-ylang essential oil
1 tablespoon sulfated castor oil
Red candle(s)
Greek/Mediterranean music
Draw a hot bath. In a small bowl,

mix the oils and add to the water. Light
your candle(s), start the music, then
slip into your tub, imagining long
stretches of white
sand beaches
bordering the
turquoise Aegean
Sea. Everyone loves
you . . . you are the
spirit of sacred
sensuality.
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Purif ying Salt Bath

Based loosely on a pagan rite,
which can be adapted to any belief system
Note: Although it’s perfectly fine to take this bath before removing hair, do not get into
any salt bath or scrub after shaving, waxing, or using any other hair removal method.
That’s a painful mistake you’d make only once!
1. Clean your bathtub, then fill it with warm water.

2. Using either regular table salt or sea salt, pour some into your cupped palm
and let it flow through your fingers into the water. Repeat two more times.
3. Stir the water with your dominant hand until the salt is dissolved.
4. Keeping your hand in the water, say something like this (improvise if you
wish): “I release all negativity from myself and my environment. I let go of
unpleasant emotions and disagreeable thoughts and of the distractions and
distress I collect in my daily life. I now cleanse my body and spirit.”
5. Stand next to the tub and face east. Say something like this: “I ask for
blessings.”
6. Dip your dominant hand’s forefinger and middle finger into the water and
anoint (touch the water droplets to) the middle of your forehead, which is
your third eye, and left then right eyelids, saying, “Bless my eyes, because
they help me see my way clearly.”
anoint your nose, saying, “Bless my nose, because it helps me breathe the
essence of life.”
anoint your lips, saying, “Bless my lips, because they help me speak truth.” 1
47
anoint your heart and breasts, saying, “Bless my breasts and heart, because
they nurture my faithfulness and love.”
10. Dip your dominant hand’s forefinger
and middle finger into the water and
anoint your belly and genitals, saying,
She looks like a sea “Bless my womb and vagina, because
they are the seat of my creativity and
Cybele, fresh from ocean, self-expression.”
Rising with her tiara 11. Dip your dominant hand’s forefinger
of proud towers anoint your knees, saying, “Bless my
At airy distance, knees, because they kneel in gratitude.”
with majestic motion, 12. Dip your dominant hand’s forefinger

A ruler of the waters and anoint your feet, saying, “Bless my feet,
because they carry me forward to new
their powers.
adventures.”
George Noel Gordon, Lord Byron,
Childe Harold’s Pilgrimmage (1812) 13. Now get into the tub and sink into the
water, splashing it up over your body.
Close your eyes and imagine yourself
enveloped in love and light.
14. When you’re ready, let the water out and watch it drain. Towel yourself off
and finish with a moisturizing lotion.
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Sensuous Shower
B a se d o n p re p a ra t i o n f o r s a cre d se x
d e t a i l e d i n T h e Ar t o f S e x u a l Ec s t a s y
Still clothed, sit quietly for ten minutes to calm and quiet the mind as your body
comes center stage. Take deep breaths. Assure yourself with self-talk such as, “I love
and appreciate my body just as it is” or “My relationship with my body is happier every
day.”
1. Stand and run a hot shower. Moving slowly, remove your clothes and get into
the shower. Continue to breathe deeply and imagine your muscles gently
loosening under the hot water.
2. When you’re relaxed, switch to cold water. Allow yourself to respond to the
shock of the temperature change—make noises, shake all over—however
your body responds is fine. Slowly expose each part of your body to the cold,
starting with your legs, then your spine, arms, the front of your body, your
neck, face, and the top of your head. Let your breath come more quickly, and
move vigorously under the water to energize yourself.
3. Step out of the cold shower feeling invigorated. Dry off slowly, paying
attention to the feel of the towel on your cool skin. Maintain the sense of
ceremony as you continue to prepare.
4. Attend to your hands, cleaning your fingernails, trimming and filing them if
need be, moisturizing the skin until soft to the touch.
5. Brush your teeth. Put a few drops of mint essential oil on your tongue, or use
a breath freshener or mouthwash.
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()
There you are, all squeaky clean and smelling great. Every pore of your skin
exudes your purest essence . . . You are Aphrodite in her palace, and the only thing that
could possibly improve your mood would be to have someone with whom to share
your glorious self. If you have room in your bathtub, or your bed—or your heart—for
two, read on, o goddess of love.
Land of the Rising Sun

I padded, wood sandals on stone, across to the bathhouse. I hung the robe on the
round peg and stretched down to open the wooden cover concealing the roasting
bath. The steam rose. Not yet. The bath is for cleansing the spirit; cleaning the body
comes first. I folded my lanky limbs onto a tiny stool. Wood, cool and flat, it snuggled
up over my vagina and held my round butt, my melonous American ass that through
years of weight lifting and dance had become a ball of inviting sinew coated in a
light down. My body undulated muscle. I noticed it more acutely after entering
Japanese bathhouses where a profusion of soft women’s bodies dotted tiled floors
as they squatted decorously on cedar stools. Now I was alone for the first time in a
bath in Japan. The steam, the scrubbing, the endless touching of brush and cloth
and slippery soap began to work wonders on my loins. I rubbed myself, relaxed,
and began to flow.
—Wickham Boyle, “Floating World” in The Erotic Edge: 22 Erotic Stories for Couples
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TREASURE CHEST
Candles, Salts, Soaks, and Fizzy Balls (“Bath Bombs”)
From pillars to votives to travel tins, The Scented Boutique carries deliciously
aromatic candles from fine makers. The boutique also carries bath scrubs, gels,
bombs, and bubbles. Click here to go to their bath essentials page.
Art for the Bath

Interested in acquiring a fine-art print of any of Paolo Lupone’s nudes or
flowers featured in this book? E-mail us at authors@HotPinkBook.com, for
pricing. An inexpensive alternative for bringing more art into your home,
AllPosters.com boasts an enormous collection of bath and spa art as well as
classic art posters. We’ve selected one hundred images for you to peruse, plus
you can search the rest of the site for any category. (Note: Although we’ve
included only one size per piece in our “gallery,” AllPosters sells them in a
variety. To view all sizes available, search by title and artist.)
Essential Oils
Florapathic’s aromatics are some of the highest-quality organic essential oils
produced in the world. Both pure formulations and blends are available, all
ideal for bath mixes and to wear as personal fragrances. You can find every oil
mentioned in this chapter—and more—available online at their site.
Mediterranea by Savina Yannatou (CD)

Traditional songs and a lilting soprano capture the many flavors of the
Mediterranean. Relaxing, beautiful music; perfect for Aphrodite’s Conjuring
Waters Bath (page 46). To hear a sample or to order online, click here.
The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment
by Jack Morin, Ph.D. (Book)
Understand what turns you on and why (discover your “erotic theme”), and
learn how to apply that knowledge to your relationships for better sex. Great
bathtub reading! To get information or order online, click here. 1
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The Erotic Art of Grooming With a Partner
Love Nest
4
“Sweetheart,” And when your beloved arrives, there you are,
lying on a soft towel with lots of pillows behind
your head and wearing nothing but a smile, legs
you call out. wide open and scissors in your hand so your
lusty invitation can’t be mistaken for a request
“Can you help me to fix the faucet or something.
with something How would your lover react if you offered

yourself in this way? We bet that after he*
in the bathroom?” picks his jaw up off the floor, he’ll be happy to
help. Downright eager, even.
How to pull it off with aplomb? Asemble your tools: scissors, razor, a soft and
moist towel, mineral oil, a bowl of water, shaving cream (for a nice touch, warm it
beforehand by putting the container in hot water), and a small mirror. Put all of these
on a tray or in a basket to keep them handy.
According to Laura Corn, author of 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex, you can . . .
Start by having him massage a few drops of warm oil into your skin to soften it
up. Mmmmm . . . this is getting better all the time! Crop with scissors, and move on
to shaving cream and a razor.
Tell him . . . that [you’ve read] there’s absolutely nothing like the sensation of a
man’s mouth against freshly shaved skin. Tell him you want him to try it, to lick you
* Authors’ Note: For simplicity’s sake, we’ve used the male pronoun, he, but that does not mean this
chapter is intended only for male-female couples. 1
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right now. . . . In fact, you should show him you mean business by pushing him on his
back and climbing right on top of his face, pressing your slick, pink flesh against his
tongue.
For the first time, there’s nothing between his mouth and the most sensitive part of
you. Be prepared for heaven . . . because it really is incredibly different, incredibly arous-
ing, incredibly sensuous. You may find yourself reaching orgasm faster than ever before
. . . and you may find that he wants to do it more . . . and more . . . and more. . . .
Of course, after he’s done, you can return the favor.

You Can Do It . . . All Day Long (See your free bonus, our Style Guide for Guys, for
Don’t believe it could take a whole ideas.) And when that’s finished, if you can take any
more foreplay, continue decorating—with jewelry,
day? Here, we’ll prove it!
paint, food, flavored lubricants . . . you get the idea. You
8:30 A.M.– 9 A.M. The Cunning Linguist could turn this little bit of fun into a pleasure
Developing the language of love marathon. Build yourselves a love nest and settle in for
9 A.M.– 10 A.M. Breakfast Is on Me a day of pampering and passion.
Enjoying sensual scents and flavors Most sex experts commend the slow build-up of
extended foreplay for creating a wowza orgasm. There
10 A.M.– 11 A.M. Rub a Dub Dub
are both physical and emotional benefits:
Bathing rituals for two You heighten sensitivity—every inch of
11 A.M.– 3 P.M. Buzz Me Tender your skin seems to tingle, you
Primping and pampering become more aware of your body
one another movements and every subtlety of
your lover’s touch—and tap into
3 P.M.– 5 P.M. A Stroke of Love
the erotic theme of longing, which
Using sensual massage to sparks imagination and fantasy. It’s
sensitize the whole body the formula for every good
romantic story: Take two lovers,
keep them apart until all seems
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lost, and then reunite them at the
end for one very dramatic climax.
Love Nest: The Erotic Art of Grooming With a Partner
Instead of seeing this day as a test of how many times you can have sex, consider
using it to linger over your desire, to hold off fulfilling it until you are both
intoxicated with the feelings you have for one another and really cannot wait a
moment longer.
8:30 A . M . – 9 A . M .
THE
C U N N I N G L I N G U I S T • Read this passage together then
choose some new words to incorporate into the way you talk about
(or during) sex.
In English, we have hundreds of choices for what to call ourselves “down there”
(itself an unsatisfyingly vague euphemism), but most of them seem downright nasty.
While some women have begun to snatch cunt from the jaws of affrontery, many of us
just say vagina, and a few of us also now proudly proclaim our pussy power. Even so,
we are left with few names that really bestow any honor on our most delicate parts.
Just to make the point, here’s a representative sampling of the silliness the English
language has to offer—and these are the less-offensive, arguably cute ones.
Apricot split Milliner’s shop

Bluebeard’s closet Old Mossyface
Cornucopia Parenthesis
Doodle sack Satchel
Goldfinch’s nest Sugar donut
Hey nonny nonny and a hot cha-cha Teazle
Honey pot Thatched house
Jelly-roll Tufted treasure
Lady Jane Under dimple
Little man in the boat Whaddya call it
Little sister Wham
Lower wig Whatsis 1
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Matrix Yum-yum
The list goes on, but it doesn’t get much better. So we’ll turn to other languages,
which seem to have been kinder and more complimentary to the voluptuous V, using
both sacred and profane language to give her new names, ones more inviting and pret-
tier than anything in our native lexicon. Here’s a list of favorites from those we’ve dis-
covered so far. Even when they’re less than flattering, they just sound so much better.
Barbu (bar-boo: French, “the bearded Cwithe (Old English)

one”) Dark Gate (Chinese)
Baveaux (bah-voh: French, “drooler”) Die Muschi (dee moo-she: German,
Bénitier (bay-nee-tyay: French, “holy “pussy”)
water basin”) Figue (feeg: French, “fig”)
Bonbonniere (bone-bone-nyay: French, Ghanta (gahn-tah: Sanskrit)
“sweetmeat box”) Golden Gate (Chinese)
Bonnet a poils (bun-nay ah pwah: Grippette (gree-pet: French, “pouncer”)
French, “hair bonnet”) Guhe (goo-heh: Nepali)
Bréviaire d’amour (bray-vyay dah-more: Hor (Hebrew)
French, “breviary of love”)
Il micio (eel me-chee-oh: Italian, “pussy,
Chagatte, chat, chatte*, chaton, greffier, pussycat”)
mimi, minet, minou (shah-got, shah,
Inner Heart (Chinese)
shaht,* shah-tun, gruh-fyay, me-me,
Jade Gate (Chinese)
me-nay, me-noo: French, “cat,
pussy, kitten”) *most popular Ka-t (kaht: Egyptian)
Chalice (Western esoteric schools) Kohe (koh-heh: Hawaiian)
Cheminée (shuh-min-nay: French, Konnos (koh-noss: Greek)
“chimney”) Kteis (kuh-tay-iss: Greek, “scallop”)
Cinnabar Cleft (Chinese/Taoist) Kunthus (koont-hoos: Greek)
Concha (cone-kuh: Latin) Kunti (koon-tee: Sanskrit)
Creavasse (cruh-yah-voss: French, Kut (koot: Dutch, slang)
“crevice”) Kvithe (Teutonic)
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Levres (lev-reh: French, “lips”) Pillow of Musk (Chinese)

Lotus of Her Wisdom (Tantric/Sanskrit) Pince (pans: French, “holder, gripper”)
Mille-feuilles (meel-fweel: French, Portail (por-tie: French, “portal”)
“Napoleon pastry”) Precious Crucible (Chinese/Taoist)
Motte (muht: French, “mound”) Pure Lily (Chinese)
Moule (mool: French, “mussel,” very Purple Mushroom Peak (Chinese)
popular) Qitbus (Gothic)
Mysterious Valley (Chinese/Taoist) Red Ball (Chinese)
Mystic Rose (Western esoteric schools) Red Pearl (Chinese)
Padma (pah-dmah: Sanskrit, “lotus”) Secret Cavern (Chinese/Taoist)
Panier (puh-nyay: French,“basket”) Sensitive Cave (Chinese)
Panier d’amour (puh-nyay duh-more, Sulcus (sull-koos: Latin, “furrow”)
French, “basket of love”) Tire-lire (teer-leer: French, “piggy bank”)
Peeshe (pee-she: Persian, “kitty”) Yoni (yoh-nee: Sanskrit, sacred, “womb,
Phoenix (Chinese) origin, and source”)
“When I make love to women

I think of their genitals as a,
as a ruby fruit jungle.”
“Ruby fruit jungle?”
“Yeah, women are thick and rich
and full of hidden treasures
and besides that, they taste good.”
Rita Mae Brown, Rubyfruit Jungle
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You Wanna Talk Dirty?

Maybe you think all this is just too tame, and what you’d really like is some red-
blooded, hot naughty talk when you’re getting it on. After all, politely asking someone
to touch your tire-lire won’t exactly win you a vixen-of-the-year award. If you have
always wanted to introduce rougher language but somehow haven’t gotten up the
nerve, here are some tips from Violet Blue, the editor and author of a number of sex
guides and erotic writings:
Start by making a list of words you think are sexy
but don’t feel comfortable saying out loud
yet—and you think they’d be a spicy
addition to your sexual vocabulary. (If pussy
and cunt don’t roll trippingly off your tongue,
that’s a place to start.)
Say them out loud in front of a mirror. You’ll
probably giggle or cover your face with your
hands at first, but that’s okay. Keep saying them until you can look yourself in
the eyes and not be overcome with schoolgirl snicker syndrome.
Use your sexiest voice. Try these exercises to make your voice more resonant and
rich-sounding: Stretch your facial muscles, paying particular attention to tongue,
lips, and jaw. Begin talking from the center of your chest, but use your belly rather
than your chest for deep breathing. Experiment by speaking softly, low; whisper;
deepen your voice—then more loudly, but even more deeply pitched. Now hum;
now speak in your low whisper but with the resonance of the hum. Which of these
is your sexiest voice?
Start talking dirty to yourself when you masturbate. Practice on yourself, and the
words will become linked with your arousal. Then it will feel more natural to be
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nasty when you’re doing the nasty. y
9 A . M . — 10 A . M .
B R E A K F A S T I S O N M E • Have breakfast
in bed together, but forget flatware and fine china.
Both of you might want to prepare the meal in the
kitchen, or you may decide that one person should
serve; either way, the food is to be devoured from
your lover’s body. Drink champagne and orange
juice from your belly buttons, serve (warm, not
hot) pancakes on your abdomen and drizzle syrup
over your nipples, line up berries on your legs, set
up a dessert of whipped cream on your genitals.
Use your imagination, your lips, your tongues . . .
Oysters. Hollandaise-dipped asparagus. Garlic. Okay,
maybe that’s not breakfast fare, but certain foods and their
aromas are said to have aphrodisiac properties, meaning
they’re supposed to awaken your desire and keep it com-
ing. A few more from the naughty-fun-food-file: scallops,
mussels, king prawns, snails, fennel, pine nuts, ginger, saf-
fron, radishes, vanilla, quince, chocolate, walnuts . . . all
kinds of finger food, too, just because any time you’re suck-
ing on fingers, you’re probably getting in a certain frame of
mind.
What are the most stimulating foods? Here are the top
four, according to a Revlon survey of carnal cuisine:
Champagne or wine (34 percent)
Strawberries (29 percent)
Chocolate (23 percent)
Whipped Cream (19 percent)
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No real news there, right? So let’s look a little deeper. In the mid- to late nineties,
Alan Hirsch, M.D., conducted a series of experiments to see just which smells really get
us hot. (The man also evaluated which smells cause us to lose weight, but that’s anoth-
er story. You can learn more about both studies in his books, Scentsational Sex and Dr.
Hirsch’s Guide to Scentsational Weightloss.) He measured the increase in blood flow to
the genitals of both men and women by hooking up the subjects to calibration equip-
ment. For men, that meant a small blood pressure cuff on the penis, and for women a
sterile photophlethysmograph (say that three times fast) inserted vaginally to measure
pulse pressure and thus blood flow. Here’s what they found.
Scents causing a significant increase in the flow of blood to the vaginal area:
Aroma Average Increase
Good & Plenty™ candy (or Liquorice Allsorts) and cucumber . . . . . . .13%
Pumpkin pie and lavender . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11%
Baby powder and chocolate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .4%
Scents causing a significant increase in the flow of blood to the penis:

Aroma Average Increase
Pumpkin pie and lavender . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .40%
Cinnamon buns . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38%
Licorice and donuts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31.5%
Pumpkin pie and donuts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20%
Among the lower-scoring odors tested with both sexes: charcoal and mesquite
barbecue smoke, cherry, lemon, banana-nut bread, sweet pea, parsley, coconut, green
apple, peach, Oriental spice fragrance, vanilla (which got a good response among the
older fellas), cranberry, peach, grape, root beer, cappuccino, gardenia, and some
popular commercial perfumes and colognes.
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You might be interested to know that no odor decreased blood flow for men. Even
cranberry, dubbed by the doctor as “the biggest loser” in the study, caused a 2 percent
increase. Perhaps more significant, several odors were found to impair arousal among
women:
Scents causing a decrease in the flow of blood to the vaginal area:
Aroma Average Decrease
Cherry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18%
Charcoal barbecue smoke . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14%
Male colognes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1%
Women’s perfumes caused only a 1 percent

increase in blood flow to the vagina. And, as Melts in Your Mouth, Not in Your . . .
you might expect, women’s responses were
Although it may be tempting, you shouldn’t
more complex than the men’s. It seems that the
guys responded all pretty much the same, with put most foods inside your vagina. (Lacing the
some slight variations between age groups and outside with treats is fine.) It’s a delicate
sexual activeness categories. Women, on the ecosystem in there, and introducing foreign
other hand, had widely variant responses bacteria can lead to a serious infection.
dependent on whether they become “extremely
Absolute no-no: meat, which is easily
aroused” with manual stimulation or mastur-
bation and whether they are multiorgasmic* in contaminated. Supposedly okay: yogurt, which
at least a third of their sexual encounters. is full of the bacteria that fights yeast. Anything
What all this means in terms of your own in between? Just be very careful, and if you’re
sex life depends on you—your preferences, your not sure, ask your doctor. y
sexual activities and behaviors. It doesn’t mean
you need to run out and buy a photophle-thingamajig, just that scent-testing could be a
really fun experiment to do in your own home without the high-tech tools. You could
have a great time playing with foods and aromas that are supposed to tantalize.
*Multiorgasmic: Having more than one orgasm in a lovemaking session, either just moments or minutes
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apart, or spaced at longer intervals.
Feed each other licorice candy and cucumber slices, and see if it heats things up
any. If you’re someone who gets really turned on by masturbation, substitute
licorice and banana-nut bread.
Try putting a pumpkin pie in the oven, spritzing your pillows with lavender water,
then hitting the sheets to see if it does anything for either one or both of you.
Lightly dust your shoulders with baby powder and share some chocolate
kisses—literally, by sharing a piece of chocolate—and see where that leads. Skip
the powder if you’re multiorgasmic more than a third of the time (according to the
study, it would be a buzzkill), and just go for the chocolate.
Try flavored lubricants. They come in all kinds of yummy
“Come eat me— varieties, from chocolate and strawberry to tangerine
put your lips to mine and cinnamon. (What, no Good & Plenty flavor? We
haven’t found it yet, but wouldn’t that be a great name
and begin that way.” for a sex aid? Are you listening, Hershey’s Foods?) Even
Isadora Duncan to Gordon Craig (1907) if you don’t need lube for lovemaking, a bit of extra
glide can increase sensation. Yum.
Still another idea is to set out a smorgasbord of flavors and
aromas. Use the ones already listed in this chapter, and
add others, too, to see what you and your lover like the
most. Keep a shot glass with a few coffee beans nearby
to neutralize your nose, and some oyster crackers to
clear your palate from time to time. Then one of you
should close your eyes (use a blindfold if that works
for you), and the other can offer things to smell and
taste, alternating with a whiff of the coffee beans or a
bite of cracker between. Have fun feeding each other
and enjoying the pleasure of treating one another to a
variety of scent-sations.
10 A . M . — 11 A . M .
R U B A D U B D U B • Lather up with your lover, lingering wherever

your libidos lead you. Maybe you want it to be all hands-on—you wash
each other from head to toe—or maybe it would be more seductive for you
to take turns and watch one another. (And maybe someone wants to take
photos or video?) However you decide to do it, take your time, and take your
pleasure with one another.
Creating a bath ritual for two is not much different from doing it for yourself; you
just innovate ways to bring someone else into the luxury of it. Turn off all the lights
and burn as many candles as you can safely set up in the bathroom. Shampoo and con-
dition each other’s hair. Use different textures to stimulate the skin: switch leisurely
between a brush, a pouf (those bundles of soft netting), a loofah, a soft washcloth, and
your soapy hands. Take this opportunity to slip and slide against each other. Try the
bathing ideas of the previous chapter, but do them à deux, and try any of the four fab
scrub formulas below to smooth the skin and whet your appetite for a lover’s touch.
(Don’t have time to make your own? Check out the previous chapter’s Treasure Chest
for wonderful sources of ready-made scrubs you can order online.)
Basic Bat h Scrub

1 cup salt
1 tablespoon sweet almond oil
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon sunflower oil
1 teaspoon fragrance oil or 5 drops essential oil
Can be mixed ahead (the salt is a preservative and will add to the
scrub’s shelf life). For use after showering together . . . Wonderful
smelling! Apply then rinse well. (Find more recipes like this one at
WomenCentral.net.) 1
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Herbal Scrub
3 cups oatmeal
1 cup dried rose petals (no stems
or leaves)
1 cup dried thyme (leaves only)
Dried peel from 2 oranges
Pulverize the ingredients in a

blender, miniprocessor, or coffee
grinder to a smooth consistency. Use
soon; scrub and rub briskly onto wet
skin. The oatmeal
should be soothing,
and the thyme is a
delicious astringent.
Rinse when you’re
ready.
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Almond Scrub
3 cups sweet almond oil
1 cup almonds
1 cup oatmeal
1 cup fine sand (or another cup
of ground almonds)
15 drops essential oil
2 cups liquid soap
Pulverize the almonds, one by one, in a

blender, miniprocessor, or coffee grinder.
Add the oatmeal and grind to a smooth,
consistent texture. Put other ingredients in
a bowl, add ground oatmeal and almonds,
and stir with a fork. Use gently before your
shower, then rinse. (Find more recipes like
this one at Hertopia.com.)
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Lavender Dream Salt Glow

1 cup finely ground mineral sea salt
3 tablespoons lavender flowers (dried or fresh)
1 cup olive oil
2 tablespoons jojoba oil
10 to 15 drops lavender essential oil
Mix all ingredients long before you want to use it, and everything will infuse.
When you’re ready to scrub, take 1/4 to 1/2 a cup of the mixture, sit in a dry tub,
and massage with a circular motion. This is a great one for mutual massage,
starting at the feet, rubbing the legs, scrubbing each other’s backs, stroking your
shoulders. When you’ve covered every inch of your skin, run warm bathwater,
rinse the salt away, but avoid using soap so the oils are left to penetrate your skin.
(Find more like this at WildRoots.com, Stony Mountain Botanicals’ Web site.)
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A Bush in the Hand

She didn’t rush things, Germaine. She sat on the bidet soaping herself and
talked to me pleasantly about this and that; she liked the knickerbockers I
was wearing. Trés chic! she thought. They were
once, but I had worn the seat out of them;
fortunately, the jacket covered my ass. As she
stood up to dry herself, still talking to me
pleasantly, suddenly she dropped the towel and,
advancing toward me leisurely, she commenced
rubbing her pussy affectionately, stroking it with
her two hands, caressing it, patting it, patting it.
There was something about her eloquence at that
moment and the way she thrust that rosebush
under my nose which remains unforgettable; she
spoke of it as if it were some extraneous object which she had acquired at
great cost, an object whose value had increased with time and which now
she prized above everything in the world. Her words imbued it with a
peculiar fragrance; it was no longer just her private organ, but a treasure, a
magic, potent treasure, a God-given thing . . . As she flung herself on the bed,
with legs spread wide apart, she cupped it with her hands and stroked it
some more, murmuring all the while in that hoarse, cracked voice of hers
that it was good, beautiful, a treasure, a little treasure. And it was good, that
little pussy of hers! y
—Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer 1
67
11 A . M . — 3 P. M .
B U Z Z M E T E N D E R • It’s time to get down to business: Let your

lover shape your pubes, bare your lips, pamper your naughty bits. Be sure
to return the favor. Return to chapter 2 for ideas and instructions, and
when you’re done, if you haven’t taken things to their natural conclusion,
now’s definitely the time. Afterward, nap. You’ve earned it. Maybe when
you wake up you’ll be ready for some lunch. Bon appetit!
“Do you mind if I trim it?” he asked politely.

She smiled as she looked down at him. “Of course not. You can do
what you like.” Her eyelids fell to half-mast as she gazed at him.
“You do make me feel like a work of art.”
“That’s because you are one,” he responded as he produced a
small pair of scissors and began to trim the wispy edges.
Soon the thick mass of hair was transformed into a small circular tuft
and he saw those vulnerable lips up close. He had never seen a
woman’s vulva so clearly. The love place. The cunt. The doorway to
paradise. The come-to-me-and-lose-your-heart-and-soul place.
Lonnie Barbach, 50 Ways to Please Your Lover
There’s no denying most guys get off on helping a woman reshape or remove her
pubic hair. Who knows if it’s the idea of “leaving his mark” or, more likely, just bring-
ing the full glory of your womanhood into plain view? It doesn’t really matter why he
likes it, though, does it? After all, most women get a surprising thrill in having a lover
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do this for them when it’s handled with delicacy and care. And the after-effects can be
exhilarating.
No doubt the most important ingredient for two

people who will be using a razor, wax, trimmer, or
other implement of tortu—um, hair removal is
trust. Indeed, it can turn into a very unpleasant
experience pretty quickly if the groomer is not
responsive to the groomee’s wishes. They say
communication will make or break any rela-
tionship, and this scenario proves the point.
When someone is shaving you, for example,
you need to be able to say, “Less pressure,” or
“More shave gel,” or “Okay, that’s far enough,”
or “More, more, more!” As for the one wielding
the razor, a word of advice: Listen.
In addition to creating a new coiffure, you and
your lover can try several other pubic fashions, too.
Body painting, which predates by several thousand years all
other art forms—including music, dance, and even cave paint-
ing—can take on many moods: imaginative, silly, adventurous, romantic, reverent.
And you can take it well beyond your V, making the whole body your canvas. (Read
about how a professional does it in chapter 6 in our interview with Tioti, who works
in a clothing-optional bar, The Garden of Eden, in Key West, Florida, using the natu-
ral contours of the body to suggest his subject matter.) If you don’t want to take it that
far, consider just signing your names on one another.
Other ornaments that can be purchased easily online (and which require no fur-
ther instruction): temporary tattoos, jewelry for your labia and clitoris (either pierced
or not), jewels with sticky backs for anywhere on your body, glitter gel, and numerous
goodies you can put on with false eyelash adhesive—feathers, beads, rhinestones, rib-
bon. Visit your local craft store or dip into chapter 2’s Treasure Chest for supplies.
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Needle It—A Bit of a Thrill?

Tattooing is body art taken to its permanent extreme. Although you can now have a tattoo
removed with laser surgery, it’s still no small matter to have something indelibly inscribed into your
flesh. But maybe this is exactly what you want to do. Tattooing has ancient roots, and historically it
has been used to signify a particular culture or to mark someone as sexually mature. Nowadays, a
tattoo isn’t necessarily a sign of maturity, but it usually has significance to the
bearer, whether it’s rebellion or self-expression or sacred show.
Some tattoo artists will not work on your genitals—and there are some you
wouldn’t want to. Make sure the shop is clean and the needles sterilized. Keep
in mind that you will have some after-care (careful cleansing and patting dry
instead of rubbing) and will have to keep any tattoo out of the sun, saltwater,
or chlorinated water until it is healed, which should be about a week.
Another, somewhat-less-permanent decoration can be attained with
piercing. We think nothing of dangling baubles from our ears; what about our
labia or clitoral hood? Proponents of the procedure say that safe, hygienic
piercing of the clitoral hood can be a profound pleasure enhancer, and can
even cause the clitoris to grow to three times its pre-piercing size. The downside is the possibility
of infection, as with any time the skin is punctured.
If you are interested in either of these procedures, educate yourself first. A great place to start
online is AlteredBody.com, which has an in-depth history of tattoos, photos of beautiful body art
(including tattoos, painting, and piercing), and details on how, where, and why you might want a
piercing, as well as what kind of jewelry is best.
A warning: Although it’s possible to pierce the clitoris itself, it’s not a good idea. Key nerves can be
severed (bye-bye big O), and the risk of infection is high. Our recommendation: No, never, nuh-uh.
Instead, if you really want to decorate or stimulate your clitoris with jewelry, buy clip-ons, which are
also available for nipples and labia. See this chapter’s Treasure Chest for online resources. y
3 P. M . — 5 P. M .
A
S T R O K E O F L O V E • Give each other a massage, taking turns
focusing all your energy on your partner. Start with the back and be sure
to rub every muscle, then do the front, saving the genitals for the very last.
Each massage should take at least an hour. When both of you have come
to the end of this day, you should feel relaxed, sated, and maybe a little
hungry again. Treat yourselves to your favorite cuisine, ideally cooked by
someone else. Go out into the world with rosy cheeks and a contented
smile on your lips.
You don’t have to be a professional masseuse to give a magnificent

massage, any more than you have to be a professional chef to pre-
pare a delicious meal. But it helps to know your way around the
kitchen, doesn’t it? Here are some tips for giving your lover a
great rubdown:
Choose the calmest room in the house, and be sure
it’s warm. Keep a blanket or towel nearby to cover
your partner if he or she gets cold.
Work on a firm surface, either a massage table or the
floor. If your carpet is plush, all you need is a sheet;
if you have a hard floor, pad it with a folded blan-
ket. (If it’s a chilly day, a nice touch is to throw a
towel in the dryer for about 5 minutes, then use it as
padding on the floor.)
When your partner is face down, slide a rolled towel under
the ankles for low-back support. When face up,
place a pillow under the knees.
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Always face in the direction you’re stroking to protect your own back and
neck from strain.
Use oil or lotion so your hands can glide over your partner’s skin. Warm it in
your hands before applying it to your partner.
Allow yourself to fall into a rhythm, which is relaxing to both of you all by
itself. You might want to play some soothing music that can guide your pace.
Always keep at least one hand touching your partner, ideally
with the palm making contact.
Don’t worry about working out all the knots and kinks or per-
fectly administering a therapeutic massage. That’s not the point
here. With sensual massage, you simply want to make each other
feel good and tingly warm all over.
Finish with a light touch, gently running your fingers over the
entire body one last time.
()
The “schedule” we’ve given you in this chapter is meant to be a loose suggestion of
just some of the joys you can explore together, either one after another during a full
day of pampering like this or individually for a sensual treat a la carte. But certainly
you are imaginative and adventurous enough to add your own twists or make up
something completely on your own, if you wish. How about reading erotic literature
to one another? Watching a sexy video? Your time can be a reflection of what you love
most about each other, or a radical departure from the everyday, bringing some spice
and variety into your life. Seize the day!
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Aromatic Candles: Pumpkin Pie and Lavender TREASURE CHEST

Burn them together and see if you are like many other
men and women who find the combination a potent aphrodisiac. Both are available
online from The Scented Boutique. Click here for pumpkin pie and here for lavender.
Delicacies: Champagne and Chocolates
Get some of the finest truffles, creams, and ganaches in the world from Godiva
Chocolatier, available both through Godiva.com and Amazon.com. And pop the cork on
some bubbly from Wine.com—get their top-selling Champagnes, from Dom Perignon
and Perrier Jouet at over $100 a bottle to Veuve Clicquot and and Laurent Perrier NV Brut
Rosé for much less than that.
Tongue Tempters
One of our absolute favorite resources for all things titillating, tasty, and artfully
packaged, KamaSutra.com offers a delightful array of goodies for lovers, from their
delicious Honey Dust (brush it on with the soft feather duster and kiss, kiss, kiss it off)
and lover’s chocolate paint set (delectible—tastes like the real thing and comes with a
lovely paintbrush), to dozens of other wonderful bath and bedroom enhancers.
Flavored Lubricants and Body Paints
Raspberry kiss, French vanilla, chocolate mint, cherries jubilee, and more—slip, slide, and
salivate over these tasty lubes from ShopinPrivate.com. (Be sure to check out the compre-
hensive “lubes in review” when making your selection.) Or paint on edible color with your
fingers or a soft brush for still more sensuous foreplay. Available from Toys in Babeland, a
wonderfully female-friendly site with lots more goodies for you and a lover.
Non-piercing Jewelry for Nipples, Clitoris, and Labia
For temporary fun, ABitNaughty.com’s online body jewelry department is the most extensive
we’ve found: nipple clamps with beads, pearl chains, and even vibration, as well as clitoral
clips with crystals, beads, and faux diamonds. (Fair warning: This site features sexually
explicit photos.) For more of a fine-jewelry flair, see the beautiful pieces fom
HvnlyNights.com—the “pussy dangle” is especially elegant. And for good measure, be sure
you review the unique nipple jewelry available from Nipple-Huggers.com.
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Venus in the Modern Age
Health Essentials for Every Woman 5
Your Whether it takes only a few minutes or much
longer, if you can come from having your nipples
orgasm is stroked or require something more, no matter if
you prefer serious electric power or a more
important; delicate touch of flesh on flesh, know that the
route by which a woman arrives at her personal
how you ecstasy is just that: personal, individual, and in
get there some cases unique.
Throughout this book, we’ve given you tons of

is not. ideas for expressing your private style through var-
ious grooming techniques, hairdos, decorations,
scents, and seductions. But truly, all of this is empty if it doesn’t enhance your own
pleasure and satisfaction. It’s sad and ironic that Marilyn Monroe, international sex
symbol, desired by millions, lover to a few of the most famous men of her time, told
friends she’d never had an orgasm. No doubt this was a product of the misconceptions
of her era—a huge gap in women’s understanding of their own sexuality beyond their
ability to seduce. But shouldn’t all women, who have been given such dazzling equip-
ment, know how to use it for their own enjoyment?
Even though the role of the clitoris has been known for thousands of years, the
“little (wo)man in the boat” seems to have gotten lost at sea until fairly recently. In
Western culture, proper ladies stopped talking about the clit for a while, and unless a
woman just happened upon the pleasurable sensations it could deliver, she was likely
kept in the dark. Young women were cautioned against having sex before marriage, but 1
75
they certainly weren’t counseled

The pill, going bra-less, free love—it could be argued that on how to gratify themselves, nor
the sixties did a whole lot more for men’s sexual freedom were they told how to make part-
than it did for women’s. While the time afforded more ner sex enjoyable, either. If they
got any information, it was on the
personal liberties, it’s not as if there was a thunderclap and
mechanics of reproduction and,
every women suddenly was enlightened as to where all her
starting in the sixties, this occa-
pleasure centers were and how to tap their full potential. In sionally included some advice
her book, The Clitoral Truth, author Rebecca Chalker about contraception.
reminds us that even today, we have a Even when certain folks were
talking about female orgasm, it
long way to go, baby:
was widely misunderstood.
Our concept of sex has become so
Though Sigmund Freud was a
male-defined that the single orgasm has man of some insight, he was, shall
become the gold standard for women’s we say, less than astute when it
sexual response, and orgasm is often came to women. One of his cock-
amamie theories supposed that
considered “optional” despite many women’s ability to have
clitoral pleasure was somehow
multiple orgasms. In spite of countless historical references,
“less mature,” that vaginal
studies, and anecdotal evidence, female ejaculation—the most orgasms were therefore preferable.
dramatic of women’s sexual secretions—is routinely dismissed Nonsense. Garbage. Shame on
by sexologists and physicians, and remains wildly controversial. you, Herr Doktor, for making so
many women feel that somehow
It’s no wonder that we often hear women’s sexuality
their pleasure was not enough
characterized as “mysterious,” “perplexing,” or “unknowable.”
because it didn’t fit your ideals of
Clearly a revolution is in order. y sexuality, which are, you must
admit, pretty nuts even for a psy-
chiatrist. The truth is most women can’t, don’t, and won’t ever climax from vaginal
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stimulation alone. Paging Dr. Freud: This is true whether a cigar is just a cigar or some-
thing more substantial.
Venus in the Modern Age: Health Essentials for Every Woman
The man should have stuck with what he

knew. As any self-satisfied woman could have Hidden Parts of the Clitoris
Based on drawings
told old Siggie, the clitoris is simply more reli- in Rebecca Suspensory Ligament
Chalker’s book,
able. A bundle of eight thousand nerves—more The Clitoral Truth Shaft
than anywhere else on your body, and twice as Glans
many as are in a man’s penis—it is more than the Leg

Urethra
nub you can see. Behind a curtain of sensitive
Urethral Sponge
skin, a whole network of hidden structures con-
Paraurethral Ducts
stitutes the clitoris in toto: just under the clitoral
hood, the shaft connects to the crura (Latin,
Bulb
“legs”), which drape down like a wishbone;
Vagina
tucked up underneath them are the bulbs. And
that’s just the beginning. According to the
Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers’ redefinition, the complete clitoris
consists of eighteen parts, including all the erectile tissue of the vulva and perineum.
Regardless of definition, your clitoris’s sole purpose is pleasure. Yet it can give you
so much more than the seconds, minutes, or hours of ecstasy it’s designed for and ded-
icated to producing. An orgasm also serves to . . .
• Give your cardiovascular system a workout on par with sprinting
• Burn calories by spiking your metabolic rate
• Relieve aches and pains by increasing blood flow and releasing endorphins
• Improve your respiratory function (deep breathing is good for your lungs)
• Eradicate fine wrinkles, at least for a few hours, and improve your complexion
• Likewise, temporarily increase breast size
• Strengthen the muscles of your pelvic floor, which helps prevent urinary-stress
incontinence
• Make it more likely you’ll have another orgasm in the future: the more orgasms
you have, the more you will have—it’s a rewarding “use it and improve it” cycle.
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In 1949, philosopher Simone de Beauvoir wrote in The Second Sex, “Feminine

sexual excitement can reach an intensity unknown to man. Male sex excitement is keen
but localized, and—except perhaps at the moment of orgasm—it leaves the man quite
in possession of himself; woman, on the contrary, really loses her mind; for many this
effect marks the most definite and voluptuous moment of the love affair, but it has also
a magical and fearsome quality.”
10 Kinds of Climax
According to bestselling author and sex educator Lou Paget, women can enjoy as
many as ten different types of orgasms—in other words, there are at least ten
potential routes to ecstasy for you. Here they are:
1. Clitoral
2. Vaginal and cervical
3. G-spot and AFE (anterior fornix erotic zone)
4. Urethral (U-spot)
5. Breast/nipple
6. Mouth
7. Anal
8. Blended/Fusion
9. Zone
10. Fantasy
Want to learn how to have them all? Check out Ms. Paget’s book, The Big O—
especially chapter 3, “The Female Orgasm: Going for the Unexpected,” which includes
instructions and illustrations for multiple techniques and tips for each one. y
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So, yes, our ecstasy is important! Yet, as de Beauvoir implied, it can be complex and
elusive. Some of us learn to climax in childhood, others experience it for the first time
well into adulthood, and, of course, still others never reach this height of passion at all.
It requires cooperation, collaboration, and coordination between the psychological
and physiological. In some cases, it’s as easy as riding a bike (and for a few girls that’s
where the connection first gets made), while for others it’s more like learning to waltz.
Whether you’re still trying to get there or already experiencing great satisfaction,
there’s certainly still more available to you. That’s one of the beauties of womanhood:
Our capacity for pleasure seems infinite, and there’s always something more for us if
we want it.
The best news of all is that most women experience more fulfilling and more
frequent orgasms as they age. The famous Kinsey report on sexuality, published in the
1950s, tells us that 36 percent of the surveyed women in their twenties hadn’t yet
climaxed, yet for those in their thirties, that dropped to 15 percent. More recent studies
confirm that older women have a better time in the bedroom than their younger
sisters.
You can chalk this up to experience, both in years and technique, but you can also
attribute it to a woman’s increased sense of herself as she ages, her deeper
understanding of what works for her and doesn’t, who she is and who she wants to be
sexually. Plus she’s had time to figure out her way around anything that may have
restrained her in the past, whether that has meant personal exploration, placing herself
in the hands of a caring lover, therapeutic dialogue, using some other way
(pharmaceutical, perhaps) to circumvent cultural and personal strictures, or a
combination of any of these.
In her book, Woman: An Intimate Geography, Pulitzer-Prize winner Natalie Angier
revealed that most of the women in her family had smoked grass to overcome
inhibitions and discover their sexual potential. Perhaps even more insightful and
inciting was this pointed remark: “I have never seen anorgasmia on the list of
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indications for the medical use of

Women’s Studies 101 marijuana. Instead we are told that
She was so light on top of me, with her hands underneath some women don’t need to have
me, inside my underpants, on my ass, rippling across my orgasms to have a satisfying sex life,
an argument as convincing as the
flesh, massaging and teasing. She spread my legs with one
insistence that some homeless people
hand on my mound, two fingers rubbing between my lips. like living outdoors.”
Cumming, I thought. It’s coming. I felt as though a tidal We’ll say it again: Yes, yes, yes!
wave would burst through the classroom door. Your orgasm is important. And don’t
Her fingers stopped and the tide receded. I gasped in let anyone tell you otherwise.
Yet lest we get sucked into wrap-
disappointment.
ping up our satisfaction merely in the
“Not yet,” she said. “I want you to wait for it.” moment(s) of orgasm, let’s be clear
Once again she brought me to the edge of that rough that our sexual health actually
ocean, then stopped. encompasses much more. Beverly
“Wait,” she hissed. Whipple, Ph.D., R.N., who is one of
the foremost researchers in the area
Each time, what was coming felt larger and rounder.
of female orgasm and a leader among
“Do you feel it coming?” she asked. “Patricia, tell me, sex educators, and her science part-
is it coming?” ner, Dennis Sugrue, Ph.D., proposed
“Yes, yes,” I panted. a new way of looking at women’s sex-
“And not ‘cumming’ with a ‘u’?” she asked. ual function. The “old way” was
based on men’s sexual experiences,
This was certainly the most vivid grammar lesson I’d
which has turned out not to be a suit-
ever had. able comparison—basically, do you
“No, no, it’s round, like an ‘o,’ ” I wailed. ever get turned on? and if you do, can
And then it came, like wings flapping high over the sea, you have an orgasm? Instead, they
then swooping under the waves. y suggest a new model that looks at
normal sexual function under these
—SUSAN ST. AUBIN, “Coming and Cumming” in Herotica 4
criteria:
capacity to become aroused and feel sexual pleasure

(which does not necessarily mean via orgasm),
desire for sexual pleasure and satisfaction,
physical ability to respond to stimulation without pain, and
ability to experience orgasm.
If any one of these elements is not present, then a
woman can feel as if something is “missing.” This may
begin a cycle of frustration, depression, even despair,
which can in turn make the other criteria more difficult to
meet. For example, if a woman feels discomfort during
penetration or stimulation, her desire may diminish with
her increasing ambivalence about sex, resulting in her
being aroused less often, which means she’ll have less fre-
quent orgasms, which may hinder her ability to have them
in the future.
On the flip side, when one thing is working, it can ini-
tiate the rest. If a woman gets turned on easily, this sparks
desire for sexual satisfaction (obviously), and if she has
had a gratifying sexual encounter in the recent past (mak-
ing her both more confident and strengthening the mus-
cles of the pelvic floor), she is more likely than ever to
experience another really big, juicy, wonderfully satisfying
orgasm. And when that’s done, she is inclined to become
aroused again.
But it’s not linear, not cause and effect. It’s more of a
chicken-and-egg type of situation; there’s no telling which comes first. Sexual function
tends to be more intricate, encompassing a woman’s sense of self and her sexual part-
ner(s); social, political, and economic conditions; as well as physical abilities and, pos-
sibly, limitations. It only makes sense that difficulties with sexual function would run
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the gamut. They can be as simple as inadequate lubrication during arousal, easily
remedied with a commercial lube, such as KY Jelly, which you can buy in any drug
store. Of course, they can be complicated, too, as with vaginismus, a condition where
the entry to the vagina tightens involuntarily and makes penetration painful, usually
due to both physiological and psychological factors. Indeed, sexual satisfaction is a
continuum, not an end point. No matter where you are on that spectrum, this chapter
can help you stay in the pink.
A few words about pregnancy and disease prevention: It would be a major
oversight not to at least mention these topics, as they are of concern to most sexually
active women today. But this is not a clinical health text by any stretch; nor are we in
a position to dispense medical advice. We do offer the following guidelines for creat-
ing an excellent relationship with a competent, trustworthy physician. Also consult
this chapter’s Treasure Chest for books that deal more specifically with medical issues.
The Naked Truth

A woman’s gynecologist can have a huge impact on her vulvovaginal health and,
therefore, on her sexual health. Ideally, you will see a physician who is open-minded,
up-to-date, and can view your sexual function as an important component
of your overall well-being. This book in no way substitutes for
your relationship with your doctor, but we can give you
some invaluable advice:
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Find a gynecologist with whom you can discuss anything. Notice some
weird bumps on your labia? You need to talk about it. Something smell “off ”
to you? Fess up. Want to try a new kind of contraceptive? Ask. Getting itchy or
having pain during intercourse or losing your libido? Do not suffer in silence.
If you’d be more likely to talk with a woman doctor about this stuff, then by
all means find one.
Also be sure your gynecologist will listen. Although times are changing, there
remain plenty of physicians who still operate under the outdated (and stupid,
we might add) presumptions that PMS, plummeting sexual desire, and a
whole plethora of problems that affect your privates are not really all that
important. (Read: “Silly woman! Who cares if you are miserable and sexually
unfulfilled?”) We heard about one doctor who actually “comforted” a patient
facing a hysterectomy by telling her, “Aw, c’mon. You won’t be losing your
playpen.” Wink. Wink. You come on, doc! In case you don’t know, a
hysterectomy, which is the removal of a woman’s uterus and many of the nerve
systems associated with it, can profoundly affect sexual response—sometimes
making a woman anorgasmic—requires many weeks’ recovery, and is no small
undertaking for the surgeon, either. It’s hardly the kind of operation to be
treated flippantly. If ever you feel condescended to, misunderstood, or
otherwise dismissed by your gynecologist, tell your story walking—and tell it
to as many other women as you can. Then get some referrals from your friends
and search until you find someone who takes you, your precious vulva, and
your gender seriously.
Stay current with the necessary exams: pelvic, breast, physical. If you have a
special health concern—abnormal Pap smear, a sexually transmitted disease
(STD), vaginal infection, urinary tract infection, and so on—follow it up. Stay
on top of it. Though your physician should provide invaluable help, only you
can ensure your own well-being.
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Don’t wait for a check-up to discover if anything is amiss. In addition to

doing your own breast self-exam every month, also check your genitals at least
every couple of months, and if you’re involved sexually with more than one
partner (or with a partner who has sex with other people), check at least once
a month. Here’s a self-exam recommended by the Kinsey Institute for
Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University:
1. Lie down and direct a light onto your vulva, using a hand mirror.
2. Check both inside and outside your labia for any bumps, blisters, sores, or
warts, and feel for any lumps or growths.
3. Pull back the clitoral hood and look for any of the same kinds of prob-
lems; also check the urinary and vaginal openings. (Forgotten where any
of these are? Refer to the illustration in chapter 1 on page 7.)
4. Consider your vaginal discharge, too. Is there a significant change in tex-
ture, color, or smell? If you find anything at all disconcerting, schedule an
appointment with your gynecologist.
Some basic debunking: Most contraceptives do not prevent the transmission of
STDs (condoms being the notable exception), neither douching nor orgasm
prevent pregnancy, and you won’t go blind, get hairy palms, or develop acne
from doing all the stuff you’ll be reading about in this chapter.
Tickled Pink
Just as with the rest of your body, getting a physical exam once a year is not enough
to ensure optimal health. Your body needs exercise and proper nourishment, too; like-
wise, your vulva needs regular workouts and attentive care.
Of course, the presence or absence of a partner does not have to dictate your sex-
ual activity level. You know what we’re talking about: You can achieve orgasms just as
delicious (and in many cases more reliably) on your own as with a partner. And if you
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can climax on your own, you are more likely to be able to do it with someone else.
V-lates, Yoni Yoga, or Pussy Pull-ups

Ah, Dr. Kegel. The contributions of Arnold Kegel, M.D. provide karmic balance for the missteps of
Dr. Freud. In the 1940s, Dr. Kegel helped women overcome urinary stress incontinence (USI)
through exercise instead of surgery, and after several months of his
special workouts, learned that several of his patients started having
orgasms for the first time. But even if you aren’t dealing with USI and are
already orgasmic, Kegel exercises can be a huge boon to you: Toning
muscles of the pelvic floor leads to orgasms with more oomph, creates
better bladder control, and contributes to your overall health.
Wonderfully enough, these are exercises you can do anywhere—no
need to suit up and go to the gym. Instead you simply squeeze your pubococcygeus (PC) muscle,
a kind of sling through the pelvic floor, and when it is contracted, you can feel it in your clitoris,
vagina, and anus. Do it while you’re watching a movie, working at your desk, brushing your teeth.
If you’ve never done Kegel exercises before, start by locating your PC muscle. Next time you
urinate, stop and start the flow. The muscle you use to do that will be the one you want to work. To
confirm, you can insert your finger into your vagina, contract, and when you feel the squeeze
around your finger, you know you’ve found the PC muscle.
To do the exercise: Isolate the PC muscle and squeeze. It should feel as if everything is
contracting upward. Don’t bear down, nor tighten your stomach, bottom, or thighs. Relax
everything else, and just use the PC muscle. There is no set regimen, so you can make up your own
routine, holding the PC muscle tight for a while then releasing, or quickly repeating contractions.
One of the more innovative approaches is with a vaginal barbell, up to a one-pound weight that
gives new meaning to the term personal training. y
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Yet historically, self-gratification has been frowned upon and fretted over. During
the Middle Ages, Europeans thought that if you had straight pubic hair, this was a sign
you masturbated too much. And miniature curling irons were all the rage, too.
(Coincidence? We think not!) In the late 1800s and on into the 1900s, masturbation
was blamed for conditions as diverse as mental illness and tuberculosis, and as a result,
clitoridectomies (mutilations of the clitoris) were performed willy-nilly to prevent
these health problems until fairly recently. You might have guessed these “treatments”
were unsuccessful, since we now know masturbation has no ill health effects.
But as recently as 1994, Dr. Joycelyn Elders was relieved of her post as U.S. Surgeon
General for advocating masturbation be included in school sex-ed classes. Her point
was that it is no doubt the safest sex a person can have, plus it has the added benefit of
no risk of pregnancy. Our point is that it helps you expand not only your ability to
experience orgasm but also your capacity for pleasure, as well as your desire for both.
What’s more, learning to bring yourself bliss helps you relax when you’re with a lover
and to communicate what works for you to him or her.
Informed decisions require knowledge.

To insure the health and well-being of a patient,
age-appropriate information must be made available.
Some call it candor—I call it common sense and good
medicine. On the other hand, coquetries can be more than
deceptive: both the refrain from self-gratification and the
concealment of it can result in sexual dysfunction.
—M. Joycelyn Elders, M.D., former Surgeon General of the U.S.
At the risk of telling you something you already know (after all, upwards of 70 per-
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cent of women admit they masturbate), here are tips for self-pleasuring, most of which
. . . the life and love
of the body is a noble
thing, against which the
intellect and the spirit
need not wage war.
Michelle Roberts
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are based on the “Venus Butterfly” technique detailed in The One-Hour Orgasm by Drs.
Bob and Leah Schwarz:
Seduce yourself. Wear something sexy. Light candles. Play romantic
music. Don’t just go straight for the love button—caress yourself, get
in the mood. Fantasize. Make pleasure rather than orgasm your aim.
Use a lubricant. It will spread the sensation and prevent uncomfort-
able rubbing. Gently and slowly, apply it to your outer lips, inner lips,
the opening to your vagina (not inside), the clitoral hood, and finally
the clitoral glans (the sensitive nub that protrudes from the hood).
Pay attention. As you stroke your clitoris, notice what feels especially
good: Which side of the clitoris? How much pressure? Slow or fast
strokes? Does vaginal penetration heighten your sensations, or is it a
distraction? Does this change for you as you become more aroused?
Tease yourself. Go right to the edge and back off. Do this as many
times as is comfortable to you. As much as you can, let go of the “goal”
and get into the sensual pleasure of touching yourself.
See if you have a G-spot (also called the urethral sponge or the female prostate).
When you’re aroused, feel inside the vagina for a rough round spot about the
size of a dime. If you have this tissue, you’ll feel it about two inches into the
front wall (tummy side) of the vagina, and when you press on it, you may feel
as if you need to urinate. When you’re about to climax (or during your
orgasm), however, if you stimulate this area with rubbing or pressing, you may
be able to multiply the intensity of your orgasm. Some women find this stim-
ulation unpleasant. Still others experience female ejaculation—a release of
fluid from the glands on either side of the urethra—with this stimulation.
Experiment with different positions to maximize intensity: Is it more
enjoyable if you’re lying on your back, front, or on your side? Pressing your
legs tightly together or spreading them widely? Bending your legs up, keeping
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them straight, or propping them above your body?
And then a deeper shudder ran through her; she gasped;

then there was a silence; then she gasped again; she cried out in
extraordinary voice, “I feel something!” The hair stood up on the back
of my neck; I couldn’t stop; I hurried on; I heard a dim moaning come
from her. . . . I wondered if there was in her a sudden swarming along
her nerves, a warm conviction of the reality of sexual pleasure. She
heaved like a whale—no: not so much as that. But it was as if half an
ocean rolled off her young flanks; some element of darkness vanished
from the room; some slight color of physical happiness tinctured her
body and its thin coating of sweat; I felt it all through me; she rolled on
the surface of a pale blue, a pink and blue sea; she was dark and
gleaming, and immense and wet. And warm.
She cried, “Wiley, I feel a lot!”
Harold Brodkey, “Innocence” from Going Down
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Relax and enjoy. Keep experimenting until you find what works for you. If you are unable to
climax with manual clitoral stimulation alone, try using a vibrator or shower head, or insert-
ing one or two fingers into your vagina. (See this chapter’s Treasure Chest for recommenda-
tions, and also read the interview with Lou Paget in chapter 6 for further suggestions.)
Notice and enjoy the signals of impending orgasm: Are your nipples erect? Are you feeling
warmth or tingling anywhere? Are you finding your touch to be more insistent, involuntary,
out of control? Is any of this at all frightening to you, or is it liberating?
Stretch out and remember to breathe. As you begin to feel pleasure, spread your fingers and
toes to send sensations through the whole body. And as you approach orgasm, be sure you
continue to breathe. You may unconsciously hold your breath, which braces you against the
impending tide; instead, inhale deeply for a rapturous climax.
That will get you started, and if you would like to explore this topic
(and yourself) in more depth, there are dozens of excellent resources
on this subject. See our Treasure Chest for favorites.
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Just a Love Machine

From the time of Hippocrates until the 1920s, women were treated for
various conditions (irritability, depression, confusion, heart palpitations,
headaches, insomnia, stomach upsets, writing cramps, ticklishness, and
“congestion” of the genitalia, as well as the more general diagnosis of
“hysteria”) with genital massage to induce “paroxysm” because it was
believed these conditions stemmed from some deficiency or need in
the reproductive organs. (The Latin root, hyster, refers to the
uterus, so hysterectomies and hysteria share a common linguistic
foundation.) Women were usually masturbated by midwives
because male physicians found it tiresome and time-consuming. In some cases,
healers used water jets, but these therapists cautioned that most patients were
“inclined to demand more treatment than was considered good for them.” Later, when
physician George Taylor invented the electric vibrator in the 1880s, this was used, and
women could also “treat” themselves at home. In 1918, the Sears Roebuck catalog
advertised their model as an “aid that every woman appreciates.” You betcha.
All the pleasures of youth will throb within you . . .

Typical vibrator ad, circa early 1900s
Vibrators went underground after they began making appearances in stag films. In
a word, they became vulgar, and they subsequently disappeared from doctors’ offices
and mail order catalogs. For fifty years, they lay dormant until the 1970s when they
experienced a resurgence and were finally promoted as sexual stimulators for the first
time.
Today, the range of vibrators available boggles the mind. You can still get a few
models from Sears (plus stores like Brookstone and Sharper Image), although they’re
called massagers and their manufacturers won’t admit what women really do with
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them, or you can stroll into the local sex shop and peruse their
The Merry Month of May wares. If you prefer to look for these goodies from the privacy of
Since 1998, May has been your own computer screen, then prepare to be overwhelmed with
options. Enter vibrator in a Google search, and look out. Better
National Masturbation Month,
yet, visit our favorite online sex shop, GoodVibes.com, where you
during which eager beavers
can read complete descriptions of each item, as well as rankings
participate in a Masturbate-A- and even reviews. And if you’re still flummoxed, check out the
Thon. This pledge drive book written by the store’s founder, Joani Blank: Good Vibrations:
benefits women’s organiza- The Complete Guide to Vibrators. That oughta clear up any confu-
sion, plus give you a few good ideas on how to use the gizmos, too.
tions that promote sexual
health. Touching, right? For
details on this year’s event, Double Your Pleasure
click here. y Although masturbation usually implies solo sex, it can be
incorporated into a couple’s lovemaking both as a welcome bit of
spice and also to teach one another what feels good. Watching a lover masturbate can
be highly erotic and educational at the same time. Masturbating together can be
intensely intimate, and if you are interested in creating a simultaneous orgasm, you will
find it’s easier to orchestrate it this way than most any other.
As with many new sexual experiences, the idea of masturbating together can be a
bit intimidating at first. The grand dame of masturbation, artist cum sexologist Betty
Dodson, Ph.D., revealed her first experiment with this in her book, Sex for One:
Although we’d decided that masturbation would be a natural part of our sexual
exchange, actually sharing it for the first time was difficult for both of us. After all,
masturbation had been a private activity our entire lives. Naturally this new kind of
exposure made me feel very vulnerable. Once I made it clear that I wasn’t dependent
on him for my orgasm, I was confronting the possibility of upsetting his romantic
image. I felt tentative about taking such a big risk with sexual honesty. At that point,
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any criticism from him would have sent me

scurrying right back into the old missionary
position.
First I decided I had to get up enough nerve
to watch myself masturbate in front of a mirror
alone. When I saw I didn’t look funny or strange,
but simply sexual and intense, I was amazed.
Until that moment, I had no visual image of
myself as a sexual being. With this new erotic
information, I was able to make the breakthrough
with Blake. We celebrated our Sexual
Independence Day by showing each other that we
could have first-rate orgasms by ourselves. We
both loved it! Masturbating together demystified
the romantic image of orgasm, and I stepped
down from my pedestal to become a sexual equal.
()
Dr. Dodson also points out time and again that
masturbation is not an activity reserved for
adolescents or a second-rate alternative to “real
sex.” No, she says, masturbation can be an
expression of the most enduring love affair of our
lives. Partners may come and go, but sex with
yourself offers constantly rewarding, ever-
expanding contact with your most intimate,
sensual nature.
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TREASURE CHEST
Lubes , Vibrators, and Sex Toys

Open for business since 1977, Good Vibrations devotes itself to providing access
to sexual materials and accurate sex information. It’s a worker-owned, women-
owned cooperative that makes shopping for sex aids, books, and videos easy and
unembarrassing. Their retail stores replace the dark-and-dirty ambience of XXX
adult bookstores with good lighting and clean decor. The Web site,
GoodVibes.com, features complete product descriptions (you’ll never find your-
self saying, “What’s that supposed to do?”) and a rating system that tells you just
about everything you need to know: How intense is the sensation this thing pro-
duces? Is it waterproof? Would it be good for someone just starting out, or is it
more appropriate for an old-hand? One other thing to recommend it: No pop-ups
from porno sites. Two items we especially recommend for first-timers: The
Naughty Newbies Kit, which includes the book Toygasms and a beginner’s vibe,
batteries, and a sample of lube; and the lube variety pack, which allows you to try
a bunch of products and choose which one you like best.
Information on and Help with Sexual Function

Drs. Laura and Jennifer Berman are sisters, one a urologist with special training in
sexual function and the other a sex educator and therapist, in the forefront fight-
ing for better understanding of female sexuality and more effective treatments for
women. In 2001, they published For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to
Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life. (To learn more or to
order, click here.) They deliver loads of useful content online at the Network for
Excellence in Women’s Sexual Health (NewShe.com). Check it out for help with
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everything from menstrual cramps to talking with your gynecologist to the
negative side-effects of prescription drugs on vaginal health and desire. The

Bermans treat patients at the UCLA Medical Center, as well as the Berman Center
in downtown Chicago, which opened in January 2004.
Betty Dodson’s Vaginal Barbell

Not only does this one-pound weight get the job done, but it’s also a beautiful sex-
ual trinket and toy. It’s advertised as both a vaginal exerciser and a pleasure device,
which Dr. Dodson has used for years in teaching women about orgasm. To see the
barbell, instructions for use, photos of women demonstrating, or to place an
order, click here. (Note: Lou Paget makes a different recommendation in our
interview with her in chapter 6.)
Your Very Own Treasure Chest

A goody drawer no more … How about a Treasure Chest instead? Handcrafted of
eastern aromatic cedar, this gorgeous chest is the perfect size to keep any and all
of your implements of pleasure: vibrators, body paints, lube, you name it. Does
not announce your collection, but still keeps it handy and provides the elegant
storage it deserves. To see one or to order, click here.
The Big O by Lou Paget (Book)

Packed with revelatory information on both the female and male orgasm, this book
delivers total satisfaction. It addresses the mental and physical aspects of the big O
and gives you explicit techniques for creating mind-blowing and body-thrilling cli-
maxes on your own or with a partner. To learn more or acquire the book, click here.
The author also does terrific Sexuality Seminars and posts lots of great sex infor-
mation online. To see what’s available, visit LouPaget.com. (Note: You can also
read our interview with Lou starting in the next chapter.)
95
Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving by Betty Dodson, Ph.D. (Book)
A classic first written in 1986, the updated edition also includes new materials by
the author, a renowned masturbation advocate, artist, and sexologist. Dr. Dodson
takes the shame out of selflove by revealing how satisfying, liberating, uplifting,
and sexually and spiritually fulfilling this much-maligned practice can be. A joy-
ful, intelligent, useful read by the patron saint of self-pleasure. Contains illustra-
tions. To learn more or acquire the book, click here.
The V Book: A Doctor’s Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health

by Elizabeth G. Stewart, M.D. (Book)
Get a clinician’s perspective on vulvovaginal self-care, plus learn what symptoms
ought to prompt a visit to the doctor. Scientific without being boring or preachy,
this book provides eminently useful information for every woman. To learn more
or acquire the book, click here.
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Tricks of the Trade
Interviews With Top Experts 6
I
n writing this book, we talked with lots of people, including experts and average
Janes. There were a few folks who, by greatly influencing our opinions, giving
us invaluable information, or just tickling our fancy, stood out as especially
interesting interview subjects. In this chapter, we bring you transcripts of our
conversations with four of them:
Nance Mitchell . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .99
Aesthetician (personal groomer) to the rich and glamorous in Beverly Hills,
who reveals how to get the most out of every wax treatment;
Tioti . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .117
Body artist, who uses the female form as his canvas and gives us a peek into
the oh-so-open world of Key West
Lou Paget . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .129
Bestselling author, sex researcher, and educator, who helps us sort through
the myths, misperceptions, equipment, and ecstasies of sex
Layne Cutright . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .143
Relationship educator, conflict resolution consultant, and personal coach, who
provides us with simple and simply marvelous exercises to do with a partner
for greater intimacy and sexual satisfaction
Look for more interviews like these in upcoming issues of our eZine, which you
receive free as a bonus for purchasing this book.
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Tricks of the Trade: Interviews With Top Experts
N ANCE MITCHELL
Beverly Hills, California
T H E N A N C E M I TC H E L L C O M PA N Y
(310) 276-2722, NanceMitchell.com
Everyone in Beverly Hills knows Nance. And no doubt you know many of her
A-list clients from their blockbusters. An aesthetician who has been doing bikini
waxing since the days when only models and movie stars bothered, Nance is
renowned for her nearly painless hair-removal techniques, private atmosphere,
great conversation, and quick service. She also offers skin care for the rest of you,
too.
Karen first interviewed Nance in April of 1998, just as we were starting to
investigate pubic hair care options, and again in November of 2003 to get an
update on trends and techniques.
KR Why don’t you start by telling me some of the options you offer?
NM What is it you want to know most? The bikini line?
KR Yes. What are all the different things you do in the pubic region?
NM Well, I do just a regular clean line for people who just want a normal
bikini line. And then beyond that I do different designs, and I make the
lips naked and I do things in the thong area—where the fanny is—and I
clean that up.
KR And do you have a list of designs you offer people, or do they kind of just
know what they want or—?
NM Well, some people have an idea of what they want, and some people ask
me. And I have to answer by seeing what kind of hair I’ve got to work with.
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KR Oh, so the hair determines what kind of design you can do?
NM Yeah, because if you don’t have a broad enough base or a high enough
pubic hair line, certain designs won’t work. And if you happen to be a
person with very little hair (as far as density goes) that limits it, too,
because it looks silly if you just try to do a design and
you’ve got such little hair. It kind of looks like
“Some people have nothing. So you have to have a certain amount of
hair to be able to work with a design. When the
an idea of what they March issue of Allure mentioned my designs again,
want, and some people called me and said, “Oh, could I have this
done or that done?” And I would say, “Well, I have to
people ask me.” see how much hair I’ve got to work with.” They’d
assure me, “Oh, I have a lot of hair,” and I’d say,
“Yeah, but I have to see.”
KR Mm-hmmm. “Compared to what do you have a lot of hair?”
NM And I say, “You can do two things: You can either come in for two minutes
and let me look and tell you, or you could make your appointment and
we’ll do whatever we can do. If we can do the design, we’ll do it. If not,
we’ll do whatever we can do with what you’ve got.”
KR How long does it take, usually, to do just a bikini wax?
NM Oh, about a half-hour.
KR And what is the cost?
NM From $35 on up.
KR And then if you start doing more elaborate designs, what are we talking
about?
1
100 NM There’s one particular standard that we do that’s $50.
Tricks of the Trade: Interviews With Top Experts • N A N C E M I T C H E L L
KR And what’s that?

NM Where we do a little triangle, make the lips naked, and the thong clean.
KR And that’s just fifty?
NM Uh-huh.
KR And how frequently would you have to repeat that?
NM You can do it every four to six weeks, except say hypothetically you’re
going to Hawaii in a couple weeks. You may be back for cleanup even
though you don’t need much done, but because you’re going to someplace
like that, you want to look good. Say you’re going to Hawaii in eight weeks
but you need it in four or five weeks, I recommend they wait as long as
possible before they leave if they’re going someplace and they want it
clean. Other than that, the normal is about six to eight weeks. Everybody’s
hair growth is different and in summertime, for some reason, hair grows
faster than winter, and people do it more often in the summer because
they’re more exposed, so they want to be cleaner.
KR What about the pain factor? I
mean, I don’t really even know
how we could explain this, but— “You always have the
NM Well, I have a particular people who say it’s
technique that a lot of people
say is not as bad as they’d painful and you always
thought it would be. Of course,
you always have the people who
have the people who say
say it’s painful and you always it doesn’t hurt at all.”
have the people who say it
doesn’t hurt at all. A girlfriend 1
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says, “Oh my God, you’re not going to believe, it hurts so much,” and they
come in and say, “Didn’t hurt at all. I don’t know what her problem was.”
KR Well, I imagine people have different sensitivity.
NM Yeah, there is different pain tolerance. The first time it smarts. Do you
remember when you were a young girl and you first had your eyebrows
done, you thought you would die because you thought it hurt so much?
And now you don’t even pay attention to it. And that’s about the same
with any kind of waxing procedure. It may hurt in the beginning, and after
a while it doesn’t matter. And if you’ve shaved, it takes a lot longer for hair
in any of the anatomical parts to come back softer. If you’ve never shaved
before, the hair will come back softer. Otherwise it takes three to six
applications of each hair growth pattern before the hair grows back softer.
And with time, the hair will come back less and less, but it takes a long
time.
Every now and then a client with a real bush that doesn’t like a lot of
hair but doesn’t like to be bald, we’ll do it bald every now and then, every
blue moon, and meanwhile we’ll do maybe the triangle and the lips done
and this way it thins the hair down.
KR Do couples ever come in together?
NM Yes.
KR And so what is that like? They’re in the same room together or they’re—?
NM Usually a husband or whatever will come in and, the truth is, they’re
curious. I’ve let them come in and help me assist by holding certain parts
of the body to make the skin taut so it doesn’t hurt as much. And that’s
about it. That’s mainly—sometimes they’ll come in and we’ll discuss the
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shape, what or why. But a lot of times women do it as a surprise.
KR Yeah. Well, that was my next question. What are some of the things that
you’ve done for special occasions, like weddings or birthdays or things like
that?
NM Well, we’ve done naked because
maybe that was a request by men for
“Usually a husband or
whatever reason. And we’ve done whatever will come in
heart shapes a lot for weddings and
stuff like that. Of course, Valentine’s and, the truth is,
Day. But a heart is probably our
most popular shape to do, other than
they’re curious.”
the triangle. And we’ve done a box—
square and put a bow on it, a gift. We’ve done initials, we’ve done arrows,
we’ve done stars. We had a client who wanted a strawberry, and I asked her
why, and she said because she’d met her husband at a strawberry festival
and it’s their anniversary. And we’ve done a star for people who are trying
to be in the movie business and they laughingly tell their husbands that
they got their first “Hollywood star.” And we’ve done another couple—her
husband was a collector of Mercedes Benz memorabilia and so on their
anniversary I did it in the shape of a Mercedes Benz emblem.
KR Oh, wow. And Deborah said you also write messages, what, with a surgical
pen?
NM Yeah, I have—it’s like a felt pen. It happens to be purple. Sometimes I’ve
signed it just for a joke, and sometimes I know the husbands and I’ll write
them a little note. I’ve had women come in with a sticky note on that area
written to me, just to be silly.
KR Oh, that’s funny.
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NM I get flowers from a lot of men I’ve never met, thanking me. And my
women—if the budget doesn’t allow them to come in, their men will call
and pay for it because it’s so popular with the men. And it’s amusing how,
when the women let it go because they just haven’t had time to come in,
it’s their men that will say . . .
KR “It’s time for you to go see Nance, honey.”
NM Oh, one bride was getting married and her husband wanted her to do it
naked and I know them very well and I do every skin-care procedure on
her; she’s been coming to me for years. For weeks we were
doing everything for her wedding. You know, her facials and
“I’ve had women her this and her that. And then a couple days before the
wedding, she said to me, “We’re getting married, Nance, and
come in with a he wants me to do it naked.” And I said, “Of course, I can do
sticky note on it. But tell him I couldn’t so it’ll be a surprise.” So we took
all the hair off but she told him what I’d suggested, and he
that area written was disappointed but took it in stride. And he kept
mooning about it, but after they were married and he
to me, just to discovered that she’d done this for him (and that I’d helped
be silly.” her surprise him), he called me from the honeymoon
because he thought that was the most—the best thing I
could do.
And another bride who had never done any wild thing on her bikini line
had me do the heart with the lips naked—and she wore no underwear. She
wore thigh-high hose under her bridal gown and when they got into the
limousine after the wedding, she picked up her bridal gown and . . .
KR Flashed him?
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NM Yeah, right. And he went crazy! And then there was the lady who went to a
very, very, very, very chic restaurant in Beverly Hills and was walking up
the stairs to go to the ladies’ room and asked

her boyfriend to go with her. She had on a
very cute dress and she turned around as they
“He was desperate
walked up the stairs and, after she checked to to go into the
be sure no one else was looking, she flashed
him. And he went into two panics. One, he bathroom and
frantically looked around to see if anyone else
had seen, and two, he was desperate to go into forget the party.”
the bathroom and forget the party.
KR Classic!
NM And then I’ve had clients not tell their husbands and just go to bed as
usual. Then when they would be getting intimate, you know, he would just
all of a sudden say, “My God, what? Turn the lights on!” You know. “I want
to see this!”
And we dye a lot of them because I’ve told women that if you don’t
dye it, like the strawberry, it’s not going to look like a strawberry, you
know.
KR Those are great stories. Do you do many models or strippers or anyone like
that?
NM Oh, yes. We do a lot of models, mainly because—some of the models we
do naked because they have to be careful, if they wear white bathing suits
or lingerie, for a shoot. And also we cut it real short and do it very scantily
because they have to be careful not to have hair poking out of the lingerie.
So we do an awful lot of models. We’ve done a lot of the Penthouse and
Playboy girls.
KR Is there anything special you do for these women that’s different from
someone else who comes in, or is it all pretty much the same? 1
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NM All the same. It’s just women. It has nothing to do with anything else. It’s
just women and their personal preferences. Some like it narrow, some like
it wide, some like the triangle real small, some like it not so small, some
like it where we remove the hair on the lips just enough so that when
they’re standing you can’t see the lips are naked.
KR Let’s say I was a first-time customer. What would you tell me before I ever
even came in? Like how would I need to prepare and what kind of things
would I need to tell you about?
NM All right. First of all, when people call, I ask what service they want,
whether it’s waxing or skin care. We do skin care all over the body, and we
do waxing all over the body, and we do men and women, and we do all
ages and colors—none of that making any difference. Once they tell me
what service they want, if it’s waxing I ask them what part of the anatomy
they’re interested in, and I make it very easy for people to tell me what
“I make it very easy for people to tell me what they

want, so they don’t seem to be embarrassed.”
they want, so they don’t seem to be embarrassed. And there are some
cultures that don’t like hair on the body.
KR Like what?
NM Your Middle Eastern cultures. And they seem not to be too keen on hair
for men or women. And then I’ve been asked by men—we do something
that we call a “brief line” for men, because there are some men who don’t
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have a lot of hair on their body, but they have a lot of crotch hair that
comes down low, and if they’re wearing a short, short boxer swimming-
suit brief or a bikini-type bathing suit, they have all this superfluous hair,
and we just remove that area for them.
KR And what kind of preparation does someone need to make before they come
in, or is there any?
NM If they’ve shaved, I like them to wait as long as possible. The hair could be
as long as for tweezing, but if they really want to have a good removal that
will last them for a while, I try to get them to wait for a month or more
because hair has more than one growth pattern and—have you ever been
waxed?
KR No, I haven’t.
NM Okay. Hair has more than one growth pattern, so if you came in with—
you’d been shaving for a long time and you came in with just a short
growth of hair, I could remove it, but in a day or a week you’ll have more
hair, and that’s another pattern of hair that hasn’t surfaced yet.
KR Yeah, I understand.
NM So that’s one issue. The other is if they’re on any of the Retin-A products
or any of the acid products, they have to be off of it for about three to four
days.
KR What is an acid product? I’m not familiar with that.
NM The AHAs [alpha-hydroxy acids]. Any of that kind of stuff. And if they’ve
had a recent chemical peel or laser peel on their face, they can’t be waxed
for quite a while.
KR On their face, right?
NM Right. Or—
KR Wherever, huh? 1
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NM Yeah. And if they use acid products at home on their anatomical parts,
they still have to quit using it. Some people use it in other places than their
face for home use.
[Note: Not knowing what these products were, it didn’t even occur to me to ask
why someone might use this on any area other than the face. As it turns out AHAs
are used as exfoliants and can help with preventing ingrown hairs. A-ha! —KR.]
KR Do you make any recommendations for after the treatment?

NM Yes. For 48 hours after, don’t use any fragrant products: body lotion heavy
in fragrance, perfumes—anything heavy in fragrance—in that area because
it could burn the skin. Stay away from excessively hot water. You can take a
warm bath or a warm shower, but not real, real hot for 48 hours.
KR You just burn, or what?
NM No, the skin is a little sensitive and it can work like an incubator and you
can kind of get hives or something like—on some people. Also, don’t use a
loofah in the area where you’ve been waxed for 48 hours. And that’s pretty
much it.
So that was my first introduction to the amazing array of choices available to a woman
who waxes. Several years later, with most of the research we’d conducted for this book
under my belt (literally, because I’d personally tried most of it), I called Nance again for an
update on the state of bush in Beverly Hills. —KR.
KR Well, it’s been five years since I first interviewed you, and back then not
everyone was talking about this, but now it’s kind of mainstream, isn’t it?
I’m wondering if things have changed a lot in your salon in the last five
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years, like attitudes, preferences.
NM Yeah, a couple of things. One is the design work is kind of ho-hum.

KR Meaning what?
NM I used to do all those designs. I used to do stars and . . . the only things I’ve
done lately are some logos like Louis Vuitton, Gucci, that kind of stuff, and
even that’s fading, and I used to color the hair. I don’t do that anymore. I
mean, not that I don’t do it, but there are not as many requests for that.
KR What’s more popular nowadays?
NM All of it off. One hundred percent. And back to the little triangle, and then
I try something I call three-quarters. Because some of the women, some of
the women don’t like when they’re standing up for their lips to show, so
we do three-quarters. That makes the man happy, but they feel they’re not
quite so exposed when they’re standing up in the nude.
KR Have prices gone up much? Now that everybody’s kind of doing it, or have
they gone down?
NM No, it hasn’t gone up or down. You know, some
people just get a little crazy and charge a lot of
money, and then some of my clients will tell me if “It’s not
I’m away or something, they’ll tell me they went to
somebody and it was a lot less money, so they
anything to be
thought, “Well, Nance isn’t here, so I guess I’ll try
it.” And [it’s usually] a disaster—they didn’t know
taken lightly,
what they were doing. It’s something you have to you know.”
do all the time to really understand what you’re
doing. It’s not anything to be taken lightly,
you know.
KR You bet. 1
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NM So I think prices have pretty much stayed the same, except when you get
into pricey stuff, like color. You know, recently somebody called me about
pavé, you know, putting on a bunch of rhinestones.
KR Just so I’m clear, are we talking about adhering rhinestones on the pubis or
actually going in—?
NM Removing all the hair on the labia, and just putting a bunch of pave
rhinestones there.
KR When you do that, how do you adhere it?
NM Glue.
KR Like eyelash glue?
NM Yeah.
KR You know, I’ve seen some publicity and things for different salons who do
stuff with crystals, and you don’t get a lot of requests for that?
NM Well, I don’t. All kidding aside, I take it serious. A lot of people are just
saying, “Well, they’ll pay for it, so I’ll do it.” I tell the girls, “You know, I can
do it for you, but I want you to know that you and the man will be in big
trouble—
KR If something gets where it shouldn’t be?
NM It’s definitely gonna come off. Can you imagine doing body rubbing and it
not coming off? It’s impossible.
KR Safety tips from Nance! That’s great. Have techniques changed at all?
NM I don’t think so.
KR No big breakthroughs in wax or anything?
1
110 NM Not really. Laser doesn’t seem to do any better. You know, like some people
think that with laser the hair will be gone forever, but it’s not. And the only
new thing, and again, it’s not new to me, but I’ve been doing men’s bikinis
in the last several years. And they’re straight men. Not gay guys, because
they like to shave, you know, and be clean all the time. When they come in,
I’ll determine what they need done. Once they decide they want certain
things done, I have to look at them and decide. You know how it came
about? A lot of ladies said “Well, I don’t like all the hair you’ve got, either!”
KR Yeah, I understand.
NM So, and then the back of the fanny is just like for women, it’s just a
hygienic thing.
KR I gotcha. These days, who are your clients? Not names, necessarily, but what
type of women come into your salon?
NM Every age group you can imagine. That
always surprises people. Every color, of
“But it’s everybody
course, and every walk of life. It isn’t just you can imagine.
movies and models. I started out with
models, some years ago, because it seemed Everybody.”
like a smart answer because of their dress
code, whether they’re wearing a bathing suit or a small-cut dress, or white
or yellow—you know, to prevent shadows and stuff like that. But it’s
everybody you can imagine. Everybody. Women who work, women who
don’t work, women who have been married a long time, women who are
single, women who are pregnant—I’m doing a pregnant lady now.
KR I can hear her giggling in the background.
NM The hospital sends me people. It’s really funny, because women like to be
clean for their delivery, and a couple of reasons on that is, not to gross you
out, but there’s a lot of stuff that comes out when you’re having a baby, and
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if you’ve got a lot of hair, it’ll cling to the hair, and of course when you’re
delivering it can be pretty yucky. If you’re clean and naked in that area, it
just comes out clean like coming out of a tube, you know what I mean?
KR Yeah, well . . . and I understand that in a hospital, if they’re gonna shave,
they do a dry shave. Scary!
NM And then, of course, some people are having caesareans. They like it all
clean because they want to make sure that they get down low enough for
the incision and all that stuff.
KR Yeah, and they would definitely shave you before performing an incision.
Now there is something that we didn’t talk about at all last time. It was a
major oversight on my part, which is how do you prevent the irritation that
can happen?
NM I always instruct my clients when I start. I even instruct my client who has
been here two hundred times, “Don’t forget that everywhere I place your
hands and your legs and your feet is for a reason. Every
time I tell you to breathe is for a reason.” And then I
“Your hair is going look at them, and if the hair is too short or too long, I
to hurt when I pull trim it. So all of that helps a lot. Like this woman is nine
months pregnant, she’s let her hair grow out a lot, and
it out, especially if she’s had a bad experience, so she was a little nervous
initially, and your hair is going to hurt when I pull it
you haven’t done it out, especially if you haven’t done it that many times.
But you can lessen the pain by doing certain things with
that many times.” the client. I do some very small hair patches. Some
people will tell me about another salon: “I was in and
out of that place in five minutes.” Well, there’s no way you can do that and
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not get ingrowns. I watch every direction the hair is going. I can be talking
to my client but my eyes are moving. I have to watch. And if they say,
“Woooo!” that’s okay. We’ll talk for a few minutes, I’ll wait a few minutes
and then I’ll go to the other side and then come back to the first side, and
that kind of stuff. Give them a little rest in between, that kind of thing.
KR Let me ask you this. Say you go on vacation, Nance, and someone’s got to
find somebody while you’re gone. How do you recommend your clients find
an aesthetician they can trust and someone they’re going to like?
NM Some of my clients have told me that they’ve called up [a new salon] and
said, “Do you do Brazilian?” And they say yes. They go in, and one of my
clients came out one day with the top of her [pubis] all clean and her lips
all furry, and she said, “That’s not a Brazilian.” And the lady said, “Yes, [it
is].” I don’t know where they’re coming from, but that’s it. Another time,
she asked if they do Brazilians, and they said yes, and she went in, and they
just took the sides off. And so I don’t know if everyone understands. A few
of my clients will say, “You know, I go to Nance Mitchell.” A lot of people
in this area know who I am, so they ask, “Do you do what she does?” And
some say yes and some say no, but not everybody understands what the
heck it is.
I have my people get naked for me,
and the only reason I have them do this is “I don’t get giggly or
that I want to make sure that if they’re
leaving any hair at all, that the line is even, funny about their
and I can only look at it; I can’t push their
underwear from side to side, you know. So
personal parts.”
my girls will say they go in and take their
underwear off, and the people will say, “Oh, my god, you have to put your
underwear on!” And you know, that kind of stuff. But some of them have
said they have found people that did a fairly good job.
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You know what it is? It’s sort of personal. They’re used to me. But
I’m kind of a no-nonsense type of lady; I don’t get giggly or funny about
their personal parts, you know what I mean?
KR So say some lady in Ohio is reading my book and she wants to be able to
find an aesthetician where she is. Any questions you can ask someone to
kind of weed it out?
NM I think you say to somebody, “Do you do Brazilian?” And if they say yes,
then you say, “I just want to make sure that I understand: what do you call
Brazilian?” (They may have an attitude: “Well, what do you call a
Brazilian?”)
KR That would give you a read on how they’re going to treat you, though,
wouldn’t it?
NM Sure. So you might say, “I really want no hair,” or “I like most of the hair
left alone, but I like the lips of my vaginal area clean.” Some
people get confused, and that should tell you something. You say
By the Book
lips, and they say, “What do you mean, ‘lips?’ ” I guess they don’t
If you decide to see a know what they hell they’re doing, you know. And then there’s
professional for waxing, you “I’d like to have my thong cleaned up,” [which refers to waxing
can print out a page from between your cheeks]. And you almost have to ask them if they
chapter 2 with a style you do that. I guess some people might be a little embarrassed, but
you just have to ask them. You have to say, “Do you do those
like and take it with you to
things?”
your appointment. This will Otherwise, you can waste a trip if there’s miscommunication.
help ensure that you get what You don’t want to wait until you’re on the table to say, “This is
you want and facilitate what I want, and this is what I don’t want.” So it’s like, “I do want
conversation with your to keep this area here, it’s only this area out here. Can you do
that? Have you done it before?”
aesthetician. y
KR I suppose it’s a little like finding a good hairstylist. Or a “bald stylist.”

Because bald is in, huh?
NM “Smoothies” are in. (I call it a Smoothie.) Some women like that three
quarters. Some women have very full, fat lips, and when we take all the
hair off, the next time they come in they
might say, “You know it feels funny; I’d
like to have a little bit more hair.” Well, I
“ ‘Smoothies’ are in.”
call that three-quarters, because that
means I remove a quarter of the hair from below and three quarters total.
When they’re standing up, you don’t see the lips. And some women, as
they age, their lips drop. And so many older women are dating young men
today! So that three quarters has become very popular!
()
TREASURE CHEST
The Nance Mitchell Company
To learn more about Nance or to peruse her product line, visit
her site by clicking here.
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T IOTI
Key West, Florida
THE GARDEN OF EDEN
(305) 296-4565, TheBullAndWhistle.com
In Key West, practically anything goes. It’s a mecca for nudists/naturalists,

swingers, cross-dressers, and anyone else who’s into an alternative lifestyle.
This makes it the perfect home for The Bull and Whistle and its upstairs,
clothing-optional bar, The Garden of Eden, where Tioti practices his art: body
painting applied mostly to women’s breasts, bottoms, and (to use his word)
coochies.
Tioti has also exhibited more traditional art on canvas in galleries and has
several permanent installations in Key West. But he’s best known for his trompe
l’oeil bikini tops, which he’s convinced the local politicians to “allow” on the
streets after 10 p.m., which means the law looks the other way if a woman is
out and about, wearing only paint.
The bar itself caters to a lot of first-time nudists, and Tioti gets a kick out of
giving people a “reason” to be naked in public.
KR Tell me about your work environment.

T I think the best thing about the bar is that it’s unpredictable. I walk into
work, and sometimes it’s really boring. People are sitting around just for the
“I’m in a clothing-optional bar, whatever,” [experience]. And then
sometimes it’ll be totally erotic; you’ll have a lot of swinging couples there.
Sometimes it’s just nudists. You never really know what it’s going to be like.
KR Where is your studio set up? 1
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T It’s in the corner, a ten-by-ten booth, and I have more of a view of the bar
than the bar [has of me]. They can’t get a direct [view]: The way the front
of the chair is, when the girls are sitting, they have their backs toward
everybody.
KR There’s some privacy.
T And then the curtain is pulled all to one side, because I don’t want
distractions to my right, people saying “Can I take a picture?” or “You’ve
got the best job in the world!” or all the things that people say.
KR Tell me exactly what you do.
T I’m an artist by trade; I’ve always pretty much
made a living by being an artist. I think painting
“It’s living art that the body is one of the coolest things because it’s
in three dimensions. And it’s living art that
moves around moves around instead of just being on a canvas.
instead of just being A lot of people get to see it. The exposure part is
really cool. I like the fact that it’s temporary. I
on a canvas.” don’t appreciate art as much to hang on the
wall, or over furniture—for people to decorate
their houses.
KR They want to match their couch instead of getting something that inspires
them?
T Yeah. Now, I’ve painted big portraits of nude women, and most of those
are specially done, commissioned work, and they already know exactly the
size they want. They may move [later], but they know they want a huge
painting.
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Tricks of the Trade: Interviews With Top Experts • T I O T I
KR Pretend I know absolutely nothing about what you do. How would you
describe it? A person comes in; she wants some body painting. How does
that happen?
T Most of the time they have questions. They walk up, and probably the first
question people ask is how much.
KR Do you charge them by the hour?
T Pretty much by the minute.
KR So just however elaborate the thing is . . .
T The average person will pay from $35 and $45 to have a ten- or fifteen-
minute painting. And if somebody, like a nice couple—the majority of
people I paint are couples—so if it’s a nice couple, I’ll spend more time
just because I’m having fun. If they’re a real pain in the butt, I get them
out of the chair really quick.
KR I understand. That’s interesting that most
are couples.
“If it’s a nice couple,
T Most of the time it’s the husband or I’ll spend more time
boyfriend wanting the woman painted.
They usually have to do the talking-into-it. just because I’m
KR Really? So the women aren’t rushing you having fun.”
saying, “Please, please, do me”?
T Most of them want to do it, but they’re going “Well . . .” Most of the people
I paint are going to be topless, [so] one thing that’s going through their
heads is, “Well, I want to do this, but if I do this, my man’s going to think
I’m a slut.” So they have to get past that, because the men want it [just as
much] because, first of all, it’s erotic.
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KR What, to watch it occur, or to see it afterwards?

T Both. To see somebody get painted is—it’s kind of like safe [group]
foreplay, you know. Because it’s in an environment where somebody can
sit there that close to their wife [while I] paint on her,
and then it’s not like she’s going behind his back
“She’s getting off on fooling around. And she’s getting off on it, because
it, because she’s she’s going, “God, I’m sitting here naked.” It’s all the
emotions: “I’m sitting here naked, there’s a stranger
going, ‘God, I’m two feet away from me, staring at me, painting on me,
and I’m going to walk around [topless].” Some say,
sitting here naked.’ ” “I’m not going to do that [walk around nude]; I’m just
going to take a picture back here where nobody can
see, so it’s just us,” but that rarely happens. By the time they’re painted,
they say, “I’ve got to show the world! Look at me, I’m never wearing
clothes again! I’m never taking a bath again!”
KR So they’ll walk around outside the bar with only a painting on. Is that
legal?
T It’s kind of a deal I made with Key West. It’s not legal at all—they used to
say, “Okay, but the girls have to wear pasties, and then you paint over
them.” I just kept pushing it and pushing it. I’m pretty good friends with
the mayor and some of the city officials. And most of my paint’s going to
be bigger than the clothes they’d wear anyway. With the bikini tops, they
can’t tell [that it’s just paint] if I’m matching a bottom—that’s kind of how
I pushed it.
KR Will women walk around with just your painting on the bottom, too?
T That’s allowed, but I don’t push it. To me, Key West is an adult
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playground. It’s not a place for children—there’s nothing for children here,
it’s not Mickey Mouse land—it’s an adult playground. We should treat it

like a mature, adult playground. In my meetings with the city people, first
of all, they respect me as an artist, someone who’s not just painting a
smiley face on someone’s areola so she can walk around.
KR What kind of paintings do you do lower down?
T Probably the most popular thing for painting down below is flowers and
vines. Like they’re coming out. If they’ve trimmed the hair into what’s
called the running strip or landing strip,
I can always make a vase out of that.
KR So you use the pubic hair as part of “Probably the most
the art?
T Yes, I can do that. It’s just that most of the
popular thing for
girls don’t have any now. That’s changed a painting down below
lot since I started. You used to identify the
swinging couples, ’cause they were is flowers and vines.”
shaven—ten to fifteen years ago, that’s
how they were identified. They were
nudists, if the girl was shaven, or if they were [both] shaven, they were
swingers. Now you can’t tell. I’d say at least 90 percent of the people [in
the bar] are totally shaven.
KR So what is this like for the person you’re painting? What do women say
about it?
T They don’t know what to expect, so they’re already excited [before I start]
because they have no idea what it’s going to feel like. Most of them think
it’s going to tickle. The brush itself—they think the brush is going to tickle.
Most of the people I paint are first-time people being nude in public,
period. So they’ve got that aspect of “I’m sitting here nude and it’s okay
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because lots of people take off their clothes and just

walk around the bar.” So they’ve found a reason to do
“Most of them say it, and then I think they’re so excited about their
it’s the most erotic husband or boyfriend, who’s just thrilled silly that
other men and everybody gets to look at what he has.
thing they’ve ever So it’s kind of like showing off. Then when I start
painting, they’ve relaxed enough to enjoy it, and most
had, and it feels a lot of them say it’s the most erotic thing they’ve ever had,
and it feels a lot better than tickle. It doesn’t really
better than tickle.” tickle; they say it’s closer to getting a massage or
somebody running their fingers or hair over their
body. It’s more of a soothing … but some people just totally get off on it:
“Oh, that feels good.”
KR It sounds like something people would want to do at home, too, even just
for fun. Although it probably wouldn’t be as beautiful as something you
would create, it could feel great, right?
T There are body painters whose girlfriends and wives I actually paint
because it’s not the same [at home]. If you’re in the privacy of your own
home, you’ve lost that whole aspect of everybody else looking at you.
KR But for those who aren’t into the exhibitionism aspect, and just want the
feel-good experience, what can you recommend?
T Natural hair [paintbrushes]. Got to have natural hair. There are lots of
different reasons. Natural hair will feel better, and it holds paint on the
brush. Synthetics don’t, and they don’t really feel good on a person’s body.
It’s too scratchy. It doesn’t feel right. When we’re getting through a
painting, and the girl’s really relaxed, and had a good time, I’ll use what I
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call the feel-good brush. It’s basically a long-hair liner brush, and that one
feels good. That’s the one they all go, “Oh, yeah, that sure felt good.” That’s
the tickle brush.
[Note: Tioti mixes all his own paint, but you don’t have to. You can buy safe,
impermanent paint from most adult toy shops, in a variety of palettes, including
some that glow in the dark. You can buy them both at sex shops and children’s
toy stores (investigate the face paints), or check out this chapter’s Treasure Chest
for links to buy online. And no matter what this fella says, you don’t have to be
into public nudity to enjoy body art: Painting and being painted can be
voluptuous fun even in the privacy of your own home. ]
KR How did you get into this?

T I’m 43, and I’ve been painting all my life. My paint career started with
doing landscapes and things that probably everybody starts with. Then [I
did] portraits, and once I started doing that, I got really good at it,
especially the nudes.
When I started body painting full-time, I didn’t know anything
about it, and I just started doing it for various festivals because it looked
like fun: Fantasy Fest [Key West’s answer to New Orleans’ Mardi Gras],
Dyke Fest, and nudist fairs. Back then, I had no idea it was going to be as
big as it is. I think it’s cool because it’s a challenge every time you’ve got a
different person. I had to learn how to [mix paint that would] be
flexible—it can’t just fall off—and you don’t want it to dye their skin. That
was a challenge chemistry-wise, to make paint that has a short life, but
during that lifetime it stays on—through foreplay, too.
People are up here the next day and say, “We had the best sex we’ve
ever had in our lives.” It’s a combination of a lot of things, not just because
I’ve painted the woman. It’s the whole thing we were talking about how
the girl all of a sudden realizes she can show off herself, but she’s not a
dancer onstage. The majority of people say it’s erotic because of that—it’s 1
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all the mental part that goes into it.
Don’t Ask
In his studio-booth at The Garden of Eden, Tioti has a list of the “Top 10 Stupidest
Questions” people ask about his art. Utter any of these, and you get fined a dollar,
but we’ve provided the answers in case you’re curious:
Is the paint toxic? No, not to you or your lover. We wouldn’t call it “edible,” but it
won’t hurt you, either.
Is it permanent? No, it lasts until your next eight- to ten-minute warm shower. You can
wear clothes over the paint, too, since it dries in about five minutes.
Does it hurt? Definitely not.
How can I get this job? Um, yeah. There is no formal “career path” for body painting.
Do you have to go to college to learn how to do this? No, but it sounds like a good
adult education course to us.
What can I get for $5? Maybe a shot of something cheap at the bar. Tioti charges by
the minute, and he’s not even getting his brush wet for Mr. Lincoln.
What does your girlfriend think? She’s all for it; they met when he asked her to model
for a body casting of a mermaid.
Do you have a constant hard-on? Hardly.
Do you sleep with everyone you paint? Yeah, right.
Are you gay? What, you don’t think a straight man could do this job? y
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KR I heard you can tell the nationality of any woman just by looking at her
vulva. True?
T Oh, if you had a picture of just a coochie, most of the time, I can tell you
the nationality. I can look at somebody’s face [and know what her vulva
will look like]. This really kind of sucks as a guy, but to me, most coochies
are boring.
KR That’s a sad side-effect of your job!
T I think it is. I see a million of them. But most coochies are pretty much
coochies. That’s it. Then you have the nationalities, especially the mixed
nationalities, and they are going to have a pretty coochie. I can be pretty
close to their nationality 90 percent of the time. They are all different.
KR Yes, they are. So how is it for you when you’re working? Are you aware of
the person, or is it just like painting on a canvas?
T It’s too much of a canvas because of all the distractions. The first thing I’ve
got to look at is, okay, do they have any body oil? Because then I need to
use cover-up to make the paint look right. If they want something that
doesn’t include [tan lines], I’ve got to figure out how to [work with] them.
The ones who usually get me, and it does happen, are the ones I
totally wouldn’t expect it from: the little librarian-looking girl who’s no
way going to do anything more than have something painted on her arm,
and an hour later she’s having an orgasm and just going nuts. She just
climbed out of her shell.
I had a girl mess me up one time, and I had to actually leave. Five
years ago (I never will forget it): Her name was Monica, and she waited in
line for about three hours watching all these girls tease, show off—it was
repeat customers before that. She got to her turn, and she sat down, and
she had a wrap on and pulled out one breast, and said, “I just want you to 1
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paint this one breast. It doesn’t have to be anything, just sparkles or

whatever.” She didn’t have a clue. So I started just going around her nipple,
and she starts, “Huh-uh-huh” [panting], and I’m
“The little librarian- thinking, “Oh, she’s playing?” and she grabbed my leg
and dug her fingernails into my leg, and said, “I’m
looking girl who’s sorry, I’m so sorry.” And her whole body flushed. And
from down below, it came up. And I’m thinking, “This
no way going to do girl got so worked up watching me paint all these
other girls, that I just barely brush one nipple and she
anything more than just had this major orgasm.” And I couldn’t help but
have something think—because first of all she’s gorgeous, and second,
I had to imagine having her in bed, if she’s that
painted on her arm, sensitive anyway. When she got up, I had to take a
break. Everybody saw the look on my face, and I said,
and an hour later “I’ve got to go for a walk. I won’t be able to be
professional now.”
she’s having an I’ve had some people I’ve turned down on
orgasm and just painting their lower half, either because I was in the
mood or they were just way too sexy, and I’m going, “I
going nuts.” cannot do this well. My mind is just not thinking of
art right now.” Most of them I’m okay with, and I try
to keep it on the level. I have a lot of people watching me, and I can’t sit
around with a hard-on.
KR Was it more challenging when you first started painting women, or were
you like, “Whatever”?
T It was challenging in the beginning, because the way we sit—she’s already
got her legs spread and she’s kind of straddling me. So it’s already a little
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erotic. Nowadays, though, it’s very rare for someone to get to me, no
matter how beautiful she is.

Every once in a while, [I “You know, I’ve seen a lot
will] tell them, “You know,
I’ve seen a lot of coochies,
of coochies, and you’ve got
and you’ve got a pretty a pretty coochie.”
coochie.” Or “Yours is a feel-
good coochie.” And most of
them are okay; they want to be talked to like that. Instead of just sitting
there and [having me] staring at them like a pervert, I’m going to come
out and say what I want to say.
KR Good for you, and good for them, too.
()
TREASURE CHEST
Natural Bristle Paintbrushes
Although you can get wonderfully soft and textured brushes with
natural-hair bristles at any art supply store (and it’s fun to feel them
before you buy them), you can also purchase paintbrushes online
from MisterArt.com. The softest brushes are those intended for
watercolors, usually made from sable or mink.
Body Paints
Consult your free bonus, The Hot Pink Body Art and Stenciling Kit, for
paint recipes. But if you’d rather not mix your own, check out A Bit
Naughty’s extensive collection, including a variety of paint colors, plus
a whole latex line for those who want the “second skin” feeling of latex
along with the beauty of a painted body.
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L O U PAG E T
Los Angeles, California
F R A N K LY S P E A K I N G
(310) 556-3623, LouPaget.com
The author of several bestselling sex guides, Lou Paget is the founder of and
instructor for her popular Sexuality Seminars, two of which Deborah attended
and enthusiastically endorses. Lou is known for her candid advice about all
things sexual, which is based on more than two decades of research with
thousands of people, as well as her absolute commitment to contributing
accurate, useful information so both women and men can experience the
heights of pleasure. Karen interviewed her late in 2003 after having read Lou’s
third book, The Big O—Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep
Them Coming.
KR Do you think pubic grooming contributes something to a woman’s sense of

self and her sexuality?
LP Well, there is no part of a woman’s body that is more identified with her
femininity than her genitals. And when she has the attitude that they are
lovely, that they deserve to be taken care of, and that they are special, that
attitude completely goes over into her intimate relationships, her self-
esteem as a woman, and typically how she reacts in sexual relationships.
KR I’m wondering what you would advise women who still have a sense of
shame about their vagina, their vulva, and all the wonderful parts therein.
LP You know, there are times in life when we get inaccurate information that’s
been handed down for generations. This happens to be one of them.
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KR Inaccurate information being what?

LP That women’s genitals are dirty, unclean. There’s no part of a woman’s
body that is more self-maintaining than the vagina. Yet we are constantly
being told that it’s not clean and it’s not okay. Madison
“How many women Avenue made gazillions [of dollars] for [products] like
Summer’s Eve and all of that garbage that is supposed
do you know who to be sprayed on women’s genitals. I was in
advertising, and I can just imagine—I can hear them
really know what sitting at a table saying, “You know, all we have to do is
another woman’s tell them that they’re not going to be perceived as
being ‘fresh,’ or that they’re dirty.”
genitals look like?” Now, how many women do you know who really
know what another woman’s genitals look like?
KR Not many.
LP Thank you. How many of them really have the ability to know how to
compare themselves with what they see?
KR Almost none.
LP So women don’t have the practical, empirical evidence there in front of
them. Where do you typically see female genitals? You see them in adult
films. So that, again, contributes to women not feeling that area of their
bodies really deserves to be celebrated.
KR While we’re talking about correcting misconceptions, what do you think is
the most egregious one about the female orgasm?
LP That the only way it can happen is from male-superior intercourse.
KR Is that still a prevailing belief?
1
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Tricks of the Trade: Interviews With Top Experts • L O U P A G E T
question they get asked. The question is,

How do I have an orgasm during vaginal “If the woman is on
intercourse?
KR And?
top and is stimulated
LP For the majority of women, that’s not the enough, that
easiest way for them to orgasm for two
reasons: 1) there’s no maintenance of a invariably ends up
warm, soft, constant stimulation contact of
the clitoris (that occurs with oral,
being the position
particularly, and manual), and 2) the man is that works the best
the person in control of the motion, not the
woman. So if the woman is on top and is for penetrative
stimulated enough, that invariably ends up
being the position that works the best for intercourse.”
penetrative intercourse.
But I can tell you why this question gets asked: Women typically go
out with men who are slightly older. Men get their information from the
adult porn industry. The porn industry shows a guy ramming away with
eight inches of hard blue steel, so that’s supposed to do it.
KR (Laughs) Oh, it’s funny—but it’s not.
LP I know, it’s sad! Men are getting fed this information. And if you’re a
woman, and you know too much about sex, you’ve done too much.
KR Whose perception is that?
LP Women and men. [It’s about] a woman’s reputation.
KR Hmmm.
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LP Hmmm. That attitude is still very much intact. And I don’t care where I’ve
done presentations worldwide, for the majority of women one of the most
important things for them is their reputation.
“For the majority of women one of the most

important things for them is their reputation.”
KR So here we are educating women about their own sexuality, and they’re
going to learn an awful lot about it, obviously, by reading your book and
somewhat by reading mine. How are they supposed to deal with this
problem of being concerned about knowing ‘too much’? Just don’t succumb?
LP [Know that] if they are with someone who has this issue, that’s that
person’s problem, not theirs. The more women get told it is their innate
right to have the pleasure of their bodies . . .
KR Speaking of pleasure, what’s the most important thing for a woman to
know who’s never experienced an orgasm?
LP Chances are she’s never had the proper type of stimulation.
KR And the advice would be what? Try new stuff?
LP Yeah, for some women, a vibrator’s just not the thing. For other women,
the hand is the thing. For some women, warm water, like a showerhead, is
the thing. For others, it’s rubbing up against something. For others, it’s the
clenching of their legs. If you read Shere Hite’s book about how women
masturbate, you’ll see a whole range. Her book was groundbreaking. Read
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how orgasms feel and how women masturbate. It’s individualistic.
KR It’s as individual, I suppose, as the woman’s parts.

LP The other thing is you need to get to know what
“Just because
you like and don’t like, and what works for you. I
have an identical twin sister. What she likes and
you have the
what I like are not the same things. So here we are, same body parts
cookie-cutter images of one another—not even
the same. Just because you have the same body does not mean
parts does not mean they operate the same as
someone else’s. It would be like saying everyone
they operate
wants to go to the same restaurant. the same as
KR Would you make similar recommendations to a
woman who is already orgasmic and wants to take someone else’s.”
it to her next level?
LP Yeah. Go to places where you know you’re getting
accurate information.
KR Actually, that’s another question. How can you delineate the good from the
bad? I guess you look at recommendations from people whom you respect.
LP The other thing is to have one of those conversations with a girlfriend.
That’s what my books are based on: It’s what thousands of people have
shared works for them. And I know that if it works for someone, chances
are it’s going to work for someone else. The information is transferable.
[Note: For one way to comfortably initiate a conversation like this, see the
interview with Layne Cutright, starting on page 143.]
When you [are evaluating] a book, look at the sources. Find

something where you like the tone of how the information is given. And
then see what they might recommend. For a store, ask yourself, first, 1
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would a woman feel comfortable going in there by herself? And, second,

probably more important, do they sell their database?
KR To other businesses for marketing?
LP Exactly. This is private! You want it to remain private. So look at the tone
and how the information is delivered. If it doesn’t work for you, find
another one.
And even people who say, “I’m Dr. So-and-So.” Watch out!
KR I have the same question about sifting through the huge number of toys,
lubes, and sex aids.
LP When it comes to finding the right toys and things, it’s not so much the
source of the vibration; it’s the application and style. There is no vibrator
that is perfect for everyone. There just isn’t. For some women, they want
something smaller, and some want something with a larger
head like on the Hitachi Magic Wand that covers the entire
“There is no genital area. Some women prefer the direct clitoral
vibrator that is stimulation with a smaller vibrator, which is why I
recommend the Pocket Rocket or the Pocket Missile, which
perfect for has three different speeds to be stronger or lighter,
depending on what you prefer. They now come with all
everyone.” kinds of different lovely little juicy colors. We have one we
carry called the [Jelly] Finger vibe, which is just great! It’s a
teeny, tiny bullet vibrator encased in a plastic sleeve that fits over your
finger so you can get it exactly where you want it to be. And a woman can
use it on a man, and a man can use it on a woman.
KR Is it similar to that one—I don’t even know how it’s pronounced. The
spelling just looks ridiculous: The Fukuoku?
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LP That one’s kind of goofy because you basically have to have a certain size
finger to use it. So this one [the Jelly Finger vibe] slides onto your finger,
and the little vibrator is down below. Imagine that the vibrator would be
like a scrotum. Does that make sense?
KR Yeah. Sort of. I’ll take a look at it.
LP I have it on my Web site. There are a couple of vibrators we carry. Another
one called the TongueJoy is fabulous, but it’s for oral.
KR Meaning what?
LP You turn your tongue into a vibrator.
KR Oh, so smart! “Female
LP Now, most women when using a vibrator [for the first
time] will go straight to the clitoris, and it’s almost like,
sexual
“Yowzers!” It could be just way too intense, and they numb response is
themselves. So they’re not really sure about how to be using
them. build,
KR No matter what size the thing is. plateau,
LP Yeah, they just kind of slap it right on top and it’s like,
“How can this be pleasurable?” They don’t know about build,
building up. They don’t understand female sexual response
is build, plateau, build, plateau. So when it gets to be just
plateau.”
too much, stop, turn it off, rest, and then start again.
[Note: Recommendations for masturbation (applicable to using a vibrator) begin
on page 88 of this book. If you’re interested in learning more about the sexual
response cycle, see The Big O, starting on page 28 of the hardbound edition.]
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KR Do you also recommend vaginal exercise?

LP If women want to know whether [their PC muscle is] in shape or not, they
can insert their fingers into the vagina and tighten around them. If it feels
like a thin line, like a little pencil line, you may want to do a little work. If
it feels broader than that, chances are it’s in good shape and you just need
to [continue] exercising it [however you have been]. For a number of
women, it takes a while after childbirth for that area to come back into
tone. But the other thing that’s important about the PC muscle is in
Beverly [Whipple]’s research: there is a direct database of information to
support—meaning they have been able to show in lab situations—that the
strength of the PC muscle contributes to increased sexual satisfaction and
pleasure.
“The strength of the PC muscle contributes to

increased sexual satisfaction and pleasure.”
You’ve recommended Betty Dodson’s vaginal barbell. Can we talk
about that? It can be a little too much for a lot of women.
KR The idea of it? Or the use of it?
LP The idea of it and the size of it. They’re pretty hefty.
KR Yeah, they weigh a pound!
LP My recommendation: If you go on the Web site AsWeChange.com, in it
they have a number of vaginal exercisers, and the best I have seen so far
are inexpensive—not the really pricey ones.
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KR This weight-training conversation is making me think about sexual

Olympics. One thing that’s happened with the publicity of female
ejaculation and the multiple orgasm is some women feel like somehow
there’s another mountain to scale.
LP If you aren’t multiply orgasmic, if you’re not ejaculating, if you’re not
doing anal, if you’re not blah blah blah, you’re not enough? You’re
probably just fine. Do not be held up to the specter of what they’re
showing in the adult film industry. Remember, these are your nerve
endings.
“Remember, these are your nerve endings.”

Lou was kind enough to review an early draft of chapter 5 and provide helpful criticism.
Though the following is not part of our “official” interview, we’re including these comments on
hysterectomies and female ejaculation, which are previously mentioned in this book only briefly.
Her remarks are important because they help explain the nerve systems that create the sensations
of orgasm.
LP The reason the hysterectomy is so impactful is that they’re actually

removing the nerves, and it isn’t the uterus so much as the cuff of skin at
the neck around the cervix, because that’s the pelvic and the hypogastric
nerves. Once you remove the nerves, you don’t have anything.
KR And sometimes surgeons do remove the nerves and sometimes they don’t,
because they don’t know what the heck’s going on.
LP A lot of times women don’t even know what their options are. And unless
there’s a physiological reason for the removal of the cervix, there’s no
reason to take it out, particularly if a woman knows that she experiences 1
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pleasure and can feel that type of contracting. I’ve had women in my
seminars—one woman who literally—it took everything for her not to
completely burst into tears. She had just had a hysterectomy and knew
nothing about this.
KR That’s why I mentioned it in the chapter. It’s not entirely on target as far as
this book is concerned; however, I went through this myself. I had a doctor
suggest a hysterectomy to me, and I started reading and researching, and
then got angry.
LP I had a relative who went through a similar thing, and I said, “Above all, do
not allow them to take off the cuff of skin around the
neck of the cervix. There’s no reason for that.”
“ Above all, do not Otherwise, that sensation is gone. They know about
allow them to take nerve sparing for prostatectomies for men because the
nerves on the lateral side of the prostate are
off the cuff of skin responsible for men being able to be erect. And
without those, they can’t be erect. They know nothing
around the neck of [about women]. I mean, hysterectomies are such a
hugely popular form of surgery. It gets recommended
the cervix.” [for] everything. Was it you [to whom] they said,
“Don’t worry; you’re not losing your playpen?”
KR No, it was actually a friend of mine. When I got so mad, I started talking to
everyone about it. And I heard stories from all kinds of women about this.
Women who’d had it done, women who’d had it recommended—I’m sure
you’ve heard it all, too.
LP It’s almost like this one person had recommended it being done [all the
time]. I had one friend of mine who told me [about such a doctor.] [My
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friend is] a southern anesthesiologist, and he said, “It is no wondah that
man is makin’ money. He slahces and dahces everyone he meets!” And no
reason for it! It’s the removal of the nerve systems associated with the
uterus that affects the sexual response.
She had this to say about female ejaculation, which remains a controversial topic, with some
people still insisting (wrongly) that the ejaculate is just urine:
LP Female ejaculation typically occurs not at the moment of orgasm but just
before. Women have said that clitoral nerve stimulation (the pudendal
nerve system) feels more like a pulling up and in. But G-spot
stimulation—anterior fornix erotic zone front wall stimulation—affects
the pelvic and the hypogastric nerves, as does cervical stimulation. And it
feels like a pushing down and out. So some women, with that pushing
down and that bearing down that comes with it, indeed may have some
urine come out. But in the clear sense of female ejaculation, it is not urine
that comes out.
I’ll tell you, it isn’t technically an ejaculation, either. Ejaculation is
the result of a muscular contraction. This is more like when you haven’t
eaten anything all day and then you eat something, and your salivary
glands go, “Weeeee!” Similar thing. It’s a gland, but saying that there is
urination during orgasm? No. I think that statement would be complete
crap. Francisco Santamaria Cabello, a Spanish researcher I heard speak
about this in Paris, studied the fluids from ejaculating women in a lab
setting. They had had no men around them, so there was absolutely no
male body fluids involved. He found that the fluid contained PSA
(prostatic specific androgen). An elevated level of this actually means there
is an overgrowth of the prostate tissue, which is what they look for in men,
to check for prostate cancer or any other prostate issue. But that’s why
Cabello refers to [the G-spot] as the female prostate.
() 1
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TREASURE CHEST
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Vaginal Exercisers
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Sex Guides
After you read The Big O, you may find yourself eager for more of Lou’s frank
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How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure.
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L
AY N E C U T R I G H T
San Diego, California
PAU L AN D L AY N E ’ S S E C R E T S FO R S U C C E S S FU L R E L ATI O N S H I P S
(702) 340-0710, PaulAndLayne.com
Layne Cutright and her husband, Paul, work together as authors,
speakers, trainers, and coaches in the field of human potential. Not only
have they personally counseled tens of thousands of people both in private
practice and in seminars, they have trained educators who conduct programs
founded on theirs around the world. Romantic and business partners since
1976, Layne and Paul are known for the results they produce through
compassionate yet practical teaching, tools, and techniques for building great
relationships.
In this interview, we focused primarily on something called “Heart-to-Heart
Talks,” a highly structured communication process designed by Layne and her
husband to facilitate clear, honest interactions. Their 1996 book, Straight From
the Heart: An Essential Guide for Developing, Deepening, and Renewing Your
Relationships, details the process and explains the underlying principles.
Although these “talks” can be used in a variety of situations, from intimate
personal conversations to corporate team-building, we paid particular
attention to how they can be used to address sexual issues, preferences,
and desires.
Karen interviewed Layne because Hot Pink is primarily about helping
women express themselves. We knew she’d be the perfect person to address
this in a literal sense: Sex-related subjects can sometimes be difficult to discuss,
and Layne is a master of facilitating conversations that might be uncomfortable,
transforming them into mind-expanding and heart-opening exchanges.
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KR Being completely honest about sex can be difficult. There’s the temptation
to shade the truth to make yourself or your lover look good, which might
feel easier in the moment, but is probably not in anyone’s best interests.
What would you say are the essential benefits of truth-telling between
lovers?
LC The biggest one is really feeling accepted and safe for who you are. If
you’re less than honest with your partner, it can generate this underlying
sense that If they knew what I really thought and really felt, they wouldn’t
love me or accept me or appreciate me. This creates difficulty in feeling
really loved and accepted for who you are, because what you’ve presented
them is a false sense of who you are. So one of the biggest reasons to be
truthful and honest in a relationship is so you can genuinely experience
love and intimacy and be accepted for who you are, which all translates
into deeper levels of trust and deeper levels of sexual surrender with one
another.
“One of the biggest reasons to be truthful and

honest in a relationship is so you can genuinely
experience love and intimacy and be accepted for
who you are, which all translates into deeper
levels of trust and deeper levels of sexual
surrender with one another.”
Tricks of the Trade: Interviews With Top Experts • L A Y N E C U T R I G H T
KR Most people buy into the notion that honesty is the best policy, but I’m
wondering what you think keeps people from abiding by it?
LC Oh, mostly I think it’s fear of rejection. It’s all fear stuff, but basically the
idea that If people really knew the truth about me, they wouldn’t like me.
Most of us learn while growing up to create a persona we think will be
accepted by others, and that becomes an automatic, unconscious thing.
Even though we may have the ideal that honesty is the best policy, there is
oftentimes this underlying fear that Oops, maybe that’s really not true. If I
really let them know that these are my fantasies, or If I really let them know
about my vulnerabilities or my less-than-positive thoughts, they’ll use that
against me somehow. They’ll reject me somehow. So we tend to be a little bit
careful about revealing that.
KR In your books, you offer some guidelines for the Heart-to-Heart Talks.
LC They help set the tone of the conversation. And just looking at those
guidelines opens up possibilities, and talking about those guidelines sets
the context for deeper sharing. So when we teach people to do Heart-to-
Heart Talks, we recommend they read the guidelines out loud so they
remember where they stand: The ground they’re standing on as they’re
communicating is different from ordinary conversation. Keeping this in
mind changes the tone and enhances the safety level.
KR Can you explain what a Heart-to-Heart Talk is?
LC A Heart-to-Heart Talk is a structured conversation that clarifies the roles
so that one person is the speaker and the other person is the listener. And
the speaker has several minutes (however long they agree) to say his or her
piece without being interrupted. And then they take turns with that. And
that assures that everybody’s going to feel listened to. And there’s a really
powerful, magical thing that happens in the human psyche when we’re 1
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able to fully communicate what we think and feel and have it be

accepted—not necessarily agreed with, but heard and listened to and
accepted that, yes, that’s what they really think and feel. There’s just this
wonderful sense of groundedness and feeling safer and feeling like you
have the freedom to be who you are. And that’s really essential if you’re
going to have a dynamic, happy sexual experience with somebody.
Guidelines for Heart-to-Heart Talks

1. I will communicate with the intention of producing more harmony and
understanding in the relationship.
2. I will participate in a spirit of goodwill, being as honest as I can be.
3. I am committed to a mutually beneficial outcome, recognizing that if one of us
loses, the whole relationship loses.
4. I intend to take responsibility for my own experience, knowing it reflects my
personal thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and attitudes.
5. I intend to use any mistakes as a learning opportunity, and I will practice a
forgiving attitude.
6. I will continue to communicate until we find a resolution that works for
everyone involved.
7. I will use the situation to learn about myself and to become a better person.
8. I will keep this conversation confidential and not talk about it with others, unless
we both agree otherwise. y
—LAYNE AND PAUL CUTRIGHT, You’re Never Upset for the Reason You Think
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KR It sounds as if this structured process

might be complicated given all the
huge benefits it yields, but it’s really
“There’s a really
not. It’s so simple. powerful, magical thing
LC Yes, it’s real simple. Essentially a
Heart-to-Heart Talk has a lead-in
that happens in the
phrase, or some people will say it’s a human psyche when
sentence fragment, that evokes a
certain kind of thinking that most we’re able to fully
people don’t do. A lot of our
thoughts, beliefs, and feelings live communicate what we
just below the horizon of our
awareness, and what these lead-in
think and feel and have
phrases do is help us look a little bit it be accepted.”
deeper than we usually do, and out
of that looking, we speak a little bit
deeper. So if we were going to do some discovery Heart-to-Heart Talks
about sexuality, it might sound something like, “Something I really like in
sex is . . .” And so there would be the speaker, and there would be the
listener, and the listener has really very few responses. They’re not going to
comment or give a positive response or a negative one; it’s kind of neutral.
Usually, they’ll go, “Thank you,” “Mm-hmm, I understand,” or sometimes
people just want to nod their head. But the listener simply lets the speaker
know that they’ve heard what was said without judging or evaluating it.
You know how to do them; do you just want to make one up and
we’ll demonstrate it?
KR Sure.
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LC Okay, how about “Something I like about sex . . .”? Or “Something I like in
sex . . .”? Do you like that, or would you prefer something else?
KR Sure, that’s fine. I think it’s good to start with something that’s a little tame.
LC Is that tame enough?
KR I think so. Do you?
LC Well, I don’t know. (Laughing) You don’t know what I like!
KR (Laughing) All right, I think it’s tame enough.
LC Okay, so—now, I’m not going to go on the record as if this is Layne
talking, but this is a demo of how you can respond.
KR Right.
“Something I really like in sex is . . . ”
LC “Something I like in sex is gentle foreplay for a long period of time.”

KR “Thank you.”
LC “Something else I like in sex is, when I get really excited, to feel held down,
to have my arms held down.”
KR “I understand.”
LC “Something I really like in sex is when we can take turns being in charge or
in control.”
KR “Thank you.”
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LC “Something that I really like in sex is when my lover brings me a really
warm washcloth. You know, I’m in bed and I’m all sopping wet, and he
goes in there and he brings out a nice hot washcloth and puts it between
my legs. (Laughing) I just think that’s great.”
KR (Laughing) “Thank you.”
LC “Something I like in sex is when there’s enough time to cuddle afterwards.”
KR “Thank you.”
LC “Something I like in sex is when my partner asks me for exactly what they
want.”
LC “Something I like in sex is when I get feedback about whether I’m pleasing
my partner or they’d prefer something else.”
LC So that’s a discovery process. For it to be complete, you would take a turn
as the speaker, using the same lead-in phrase, and I would listen. Let’s do a
clearing process, which can be really helpful because sometimes when you
put the truth or you put good stuff on top of yucky stuff, it’s not as
effective. So clearing helps us let go of things, for instance, what we don’t
like about sex, or that we don’t want to have happen. And sometimes to
hear about all the stuff that our partner wants us to do for them, when we
haven’t also talked about what our misgivings are, or our resistances are, to
certain sexual expressions, it can not produce the result we want. So are
you ready for this?
KR I’m just wondering if you can further define clearing. In my own mind, I
tend to think of it as the things I don’t want to say. Is that how you would
define it, or would you say that another way?
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LC I would say that a clearing exercise is more than just what you don’t want
to say; it’s what you’re afraid to say. And the purpose of the clearing
process is to communicate it so you can let go of it. In a loving, intimate
relationship, when you communicate about your fears, they disappear, so
you’re not just talking about them in order to hold onto them or take a
stand about them. But your intention in a clearing process is to
communicate it so you can unburden yourself from carrying the
emotional weight of it. And oftentimes when you clear, you don’t have it
anymore. In the beginning you may say, “Something I don’t like in sex is
that you always want me to suck your cock.” And a woman can be really
infuriated about that: “You always want me to do that, and I don’t like
that.” But after you say it, and your partner gets it, and you feel heard and
understood about it, oftentimes there can be this kind of lifting off of that
so there’s an opening that maybe you could actually enjoy it in the future.
KR “Maybe if you didn’t hold my head down,” or “Maybe if . . .” whatever.
LC Right. So I think another thing to understand is that in these Heart-to-
Heart Talks, they’re an evolving thing, and the truth
“People’s truth evolves you speak in the moment is not likely to be the truth
that you feel after it’s over—or after you have had a
and grows.” couple of Heart-to-Heart Talks. People’s truth
evolves and grows. It grows from that fear state to a
more loving, personal power state. But we have to start from where we are,
and that’s what most people find difficult.
KR Okay, so how about a clearing process?
LC Sure. “Something that turns me off . . .”?
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The Format of Heart-to-Heart Talks

There are essentially four types of Heart-to-Heart Talks:
1. Nurturing processes pour love and appreciation on a relationship like water
and sunlight on a garden.
2. Clearing processes express what makes you anxious, angry, or afraid. Once you
have “cleared the air”—and, more important, your mind and heart—you can
see new possibilities that may have been obscured when your vision was
clouded by these emotions, so sometimes it’s best to start with a clearing. Always
follow a clearing process with a nurturing one.
3. Discovering processes promote understanding, enabling you to learn more
about yourself or your partner.
4. Affirming processes build one another’s self-esteem, self-respect, and
confidence.
Following are instructions for having your own Heart-to-Heart Talks:
• Choose a quiet place to talk where you won’t be interrupted.

• Face each other if you can. It’s ideal if you can sit with your knees almost touching.
• Read the guidelines on page 146 aloud together.
• Decide who will be the speaker first and how long you want to allow for each
person’s responses. (Most people can “empty out” their responses in about two
minutes.) Consider using a timer to alert you when time’s up.
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(Continued from previous page.)
• To do the process, the speaker completes the lead-in phrase as many times as he
or she can, using whatever first comes to mind. A partner listens, offering only
“Thank you,” “I understand,” or nodding.
• When the first speaker is done, switch roles.
• If you are feeling anxious about doing this, it is useful to begin with a clearing
process, expressing your fears or concerns: “A reservation I have about doing this
is . . .”. This lets you both air your concerns about the talk itself so you can remove
any obstacles that might get in the way of you participating fully.
• As you are speaking, your mind may draw a blank and you won’t be able to come
up with anything. This is perfectly normal. Just say the lead-in phrase and
complete with the word blank. For example, “Something that really gets me hot is
‘blank.’ ” Then just try again. Something invariably comes to mind, even if you
have to say “blank” a few times first.
• Breathe deeply and fully.
• You may find that you want—or need—to have a more detailed conversation
about the subjects you’re exploring together using this process. It’s true, Heart-to-
Heart Talks are ideal for identifying these areas, but they are not the time to veer
off into discussion. Wait until after you’ve concluded your Heart-to-Heart Talk to
pursue conversations for seeking solutions, brainstorming, negotiating issues,
and so on.
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• Finish with a hug. y
KR Mmm-hmm. Again, I guess I should say I’m not on the record with these as
my own turn-offs, but here’s a demo: “Something that turns me off is
Barney music playing while we’re making love.”
LC “Thank you.”
KR “Something that turns me off is heavy cologne.”
LC “I understand.”
KR “Something else that turns me off is being grabbed out of nowhere—
although grabbing is okay once I’m pretty turned on.”
KR “Something that turns me off is unrelenting rhythmic stroking.”
LC “Thank you.”
KR “Something else that turns me off is when a lover goes straight for my
clitoris or vagina and ignores the rest of me.”
KR All right, so if we were to complete, you would go next. That’s the basic
structure. But there’s a larger structure, too, of using certain kinds of Heart-
to-Heart Talks to bracket the more difficult ones.
LC The only thing I would suggest is that whenever you do a clearing Heart-
to-Heart Talk, put a nurturing Heart-to-Heart Talk after. So if you’re going
to talk about things you don’t like about sex, you follow it up with things
that you do love about sex. If you’re going to do a clearing Heart-to-Heart
Talk about your concerns about your sex life, follow with a nurturing talk,
and you can also finish up with a discovery process about your dreams
and your visions, or your yearnings about sex, or how you’d like it to be.
So there’s this balancing act between expressing what might be considered 1
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the more negative aspect, balancing it with the more positive aspect.
Because if all you do is talk about what’s wrong, it gives you a skewed view
of reality.
KR Do you advise people about a certain way to invite someone to participate
in a Heart-to-Heart Talk? Sex is a scary subject for some people, and they
may feel nervous even about asking a partner to have this conversation.
Can you make some recommendations?
LC You suggest it as an invitation rather than, “I need you to do this with me.”
KR Not, “We need to talk.”
LC Right, definitely not “We need to talk.” But it’s an invitation, it’s something
you’d like to share for—and the reason you give is something that they
would want. It’s like, “I would like to have this Heart-to-Heart Talk so that
we can be better lovers with one another.” Or “I’d like to have this Heart-
to-Heart Talk so that we’re more passionate and we have sex more often.”
But it has to be like a little carrot. What’s the invitation? What’s the reason
that they’re going to be motivated to do this? Because there is this kind of
built-in emotional barrier about being really honest, and
“Let’s do this people need to have incentives. So that needs to be
explicit in the invitation. And also to frame it as an
together and see experiment: “Let’s do this together and see how it feels,”
not “I think we should do this because it’ll help.” It’s kind
how it feels.” of like, “Oh, I heard about this, and I think we could try
it and see if it really does help us feel better when we’re
making love with one another.” And your partner goes, “Hmmm. Well,
maybe. Okay.” People will respond differently to an invitation and an
experiment than they will to “We have to do this or bad things will
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happen.”
KR Do you think there are better and worse times to have Heart-to-Heart
Talks?
LC Oh, absolutely. A better time is when you’re not going to be interrupted,
where you can be focused on one another and you have time to finish
whatever comes up. When people try to have Heart-to-Heart Talks in the
middle of busy activity, and they think they can answer the phone or they
try and do it during commercials in between television shows, it’s
disastrous. Some people experience some success when they’re in the car
together, but only with lightweight topics. For sexual conversations that are
so vulnerable and—there’s so much power in a Heart-to-Heart Talk that
has to do with sexual revelations—it’s really important that you can be
looking at one another and that you know you’re not going to be
interrupted. It’s a special time, a sacred time, and you make sure that your
environment supports that. So you’re not going to do it in a shopping
center, probably not in a coffee shop. You’re going to have some privacy
and quiet.
KR Let’s say someone wanted to use a Heart-to-Heart Talk to help resolve some
disagreement that’s going on. Is it suitable for that kind of thing? Would
you do that in the middle of an argument?
LC Oftentimes, it really helps. Because what happens in an argument is that
people get locked into their own perceptions, and they start broadcasting
their truth without listening to the other person. And they think that if
they communicate their truth loud enough, strong enough, whatever, that
they will “win the argument.” And what Heart-to-Heart Talks do, really, is
they shift a conversation into more of a learning conversation, where you
communicate in a way that allows you to learn about yourself at a deeper
level and to learn about your partner. So when you’re really listening to
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the voice inside your head commenting about what they’re saying—you’re
actually listening to them), it changes the whole dynamic of the
relationship. People feel safer. They feel that they’re really being listened to,
so it tends to neutralize that escalating, my-way-or-the-highway energy
that comes from arguments. So when we’re teaching people about fair
fighting or resolving conflicts, we recommend that if they notice that
they’re starting to get emotional, and they’re starting to speak over one
another’s sentences, and they’re not really listening to one another, they
say, “You know what? Now’s a good time for a Heart-to-Heart Talk. Why
don’t we do a ‘clearing’ so that we can really listen to one another.”
KR I asked that because it’s possible this book could create some conflict for
people. Something you said helped me realize I needed to interview you for
this project, which was that there would be some buttons pushed,
potentially, by what we’ve written—that issues might be raised for people
reading it. What do you think are going to be the most common things to
come up?
LC Specifically, whatever their sexual wounding might be. Most people in
Western culture have a lot of sexual wounding because there’s a lot of
sexual guilt in our culture. We’re taught to be, for the most part, ashamed
of our private parts. “Keep ‘em under cover. Don’t let anybody see ‘em.”
That kind of feeling tone. So whatever the individual’s sexual wounding
may be, those will be the issues to get ignited.
More generally, I’d say that the fear or concern that the way they’ve
been doing it isn’t okay. And that somebody wants them to change.
KR When we say “the way they’ve been doing it,” we mean pubic grooming or
the lack thereof.
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LC Orientation to their sexuality, pubic grooming, or whatever. It’s like, if
you’ve been wearing your hair cut one way, and somebody says, “Hey, I’d
like you to change your haircut to this,” there can often be this, “Well,
what’s the matter with the way I’ve been doing it?” So there’s this kind of
invalidation factor that can be perceived but not intended.
And then there’s the fear of more vulnerability. When you start
talking about it, when you start
revealing your private parts in
a particular kind of way, it can
“When you start revealing
feel more vulnerable than the
act of sex itself.
your private parts in a
And especially for particular kind of way, it
women, there is this kind of
dangerous place about really can feel more vulnerable
stepping into being playful
with your sexuality—that if
than the act of sex itself.”
you become playful, you are
dancing very close to that whorish line that shows up in our culture
somehow. It’s as if in order to avoid being a whore, you’re supposed to be
pure and it’s supposed to be a sacred act—
KR You’re not supposed to know too much. You’re not supposed to do too much.
You’re not supposed to pay that much attention to it.
LC Yes, it’s just supposed to happen magically and beautifully through the
grace of something. And so to put this much attention on that part of your
body in a kind of bold, playful way can sometimes, for some women, feel
risky. That old paradigm of I won’t be respected if they see this part of me—
that can be a big trigger that most women don’t go around thinking
consciously, but informs their relationship with their own sexuality.
KR I also had one woman say to me that her concern was that she didn’t want
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LC Well, I think it’s important, if we’re going to do anything with our body,
that we do it for ourselves. It’s not either/or. If you’re only doing it for your
man, I think maybe it can be too risky. But if you’re doing it for your man
and you’re doing it for what you get out of it, then that’s fine. So you don’t
want to do it only for your man, but a lot of women will keep their pussies
bare because their men like it so much. Now, let’s
“I think it’s important, face it: The actual process of keeping your labia
smooth is not usually pleasurable. So you’re not
if we’re going to do doing it necessarily because you like touching
yourself and it feels smooth. But you like it because
anything with our of the wonderful response you get from your lover.
body, that we do it So, yes, you’re doing it for him, but you’re also
doing it for yourself because the pleasure he
for ourselves.” receives from it is so exciting for you. So the only
place that I would recommend that women never
go is if they’re feeling that they’re having to do this to get their lover to
love them or accept them, and they don’t see that they’re really doing this
for their own pleasure. That’s when you enter dangerous territory.
KR Or if you are so opposed to it personally—don’t overcome your own
opposition.
LC Yes, if it’s against your own personal ethic, well, then you don’t do it.
KR One of the things that I think a Heart-to-Heart Talk can definitely help to
defuse is this issue of shame about genitals. We give some things to do in the
book—looking at your own genitals, touching them, really examining them
so you can see that they’re not ugly and they’re not dirty, etc. A good
nurturing process would be, “Something I like about my vagina is . . .” Or
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“Something I think is pretty about my vulva is . . .” If there were a clearing
to be done, how would that be phrased?
LC First, when you’re communicating about it, it’s important to decide what
words to call it. I mean, where I’ve done sexuality workshops, just to
limber people up so they can talk about sex, I just put on the big board—
“Okay, what are all the words you have for female genitals and male
genitals?” So they can get it out, because sometimes just deciding what
you’re going to call it is challenging. So in the lead-in phrase, you have to
feel comfortable with what you call it. So if you’re going to call it your
vagina, here are some clearing processes. “One of my concerns about my
vagina . . .” “One of my fears about my vagina . . .” “Something bad that’s
happened to my vagina . . .”
For a lot of people, they carry
memories of emotional harm and “Heart-to-Heart talks
sexual abuse. And that affects our
sexuality. So, I mean, you’re moving
are really a gateway to
into very deep emotional territory a deeper level of
when you start talking about
“something bad that’s happened to my connection because
vagina.” But in a really safe relationship
where you want trust, it could be very they make us more
healing and helpful to be able to say
those things. Those are things that I say
aware of ourselves.”
live below the horizon of most of our
awareness. We never go there to think about it for the most part, or go
there to talk about it. And Heart-to-Heart talks are really a gateway to a
deeper level of connection because they make us more aware of ourselves.
KR What are some other lead-in phrases you think might help address these
issues that may come up in reading this book?
LC Just for concerns? 1
159
KR Or whatever. Something that’s popping into my head is something like,

“Something I’m afraid might happen if I start to groom my pussy is . . .”
LC Uh-huh, any phrase that elicits the concerns. “Something I’m afraid might
happen . . .” “Something I don’t want to have happen . . .” “One of the
reasons I think this might not work for me . . .”
KR And then something to follow on those?
LC “Something good that could happen out of this exploration is . . .”
KR “Something I’m curious about . . .”
LC “Something I appreciate about this level of exploration is . . .” Now, for
people who are new to this, one of the things I would anticipate would
happen with them is that they’re going to giggle and laugh at saying these
sentences because it’s so unusual. I mean, most people, if they haven’t been
initiated into truth-telling, hearing themselves say, “One of the things I
love about my pussy. . . ,” they’re going to laugh! And I think it’s important
that they know that’s okay. It’s okay to have fun with this as long as you’re
not irreverent with one another. But it’s definitely something new, so you
may feel a little giggly, or it may sound weird because it’s new.
“It’s definitely something new,

so you may feel a little giggly.”
KR What about sharing fantasies with one another?

LC “One of my fantasies about sex is . . .” “Something I’ve wanted in sex but
1
160
been afraid to ask for is . . .”
There’s another way of doing Heart-to-Heart Talks where, rather than

you saying a lead-in phrase, you ask a question, and the other person
responds. So another way of doing it would be, “Tell me something you’ve
wanted in sex and been afraid to ask for.” And then they respond, and you
say, “Thank you.” “Tell me about one of your favorite sexual fantasies and
why that’s exciting to you.” Usually with those kind of questions, the
answers are a little bit longer. They’re not usually only a few sentences,
which is typical of a Heart-to-Heart Talk; they’re usually several
paragraphs where you ask a question and the person responds and you
just simply are silent and really listening to what they say, and then when
they say that they’re done, you say, “Thank you for telling me.” And then
you may perhaps ask the same question again, or you may move on to
another question.
KR The distinction between that and a conversation being that there’s no
discussion of the answer.
LC Right. And you don’t change roles: You’re either the speaker or the listener,
and you don’t confuse those roles. Whereas in conversation, it glides back
and forth.
KR The fantasy question—one thing I thought of, too, and you can tell me
what you think of this—is “A fantasy I’d like to act out is. . . ,” and then “A
fantasy I have but wouldn’t like to act out is . . .” Is that worth exploring?
LC Yes, definitely. Because there are those two kinds of fantasies. And, yes, that
could be great!
1
161
KR One of the things Lou Paget, a sex expert and author I interviewed,
suggested was that women who are trying to learn more about their own
orgasmic response—trying to figure out what works for them—talk to their
girlfriends. And I’ll be honest with you: I don’t think I’ve ever sat down
with a girlfriend and said, “Tell me what works for you in sex.”
LC Uh-huh: “What gets you off?”
KR Exactly! I’ve never had that conversation with a girlfriend. And I’m not
sure how you’d just slip it in over lunch. So I was thinking that this kind of
a structured conversation would be a great way to gather this information
from women you care about.
LC Uh-huh. That’s very true.
KR What kind of lead-in phrases would you suggest for this exchange?
LC “Something that excites me . . .” “What helps me have an orgasm is . . .”
Also clearing: “Something that really turns me off. . . ,” so that people can
start to voice that. It can be lots of different things,
from noises to smells, hearing certain phrases—you
“It’s very interesting know, you can really be in the zone, having a great
time, and then your lover does this one thing, and all
what women will talk of a sudden, you’re out of it. So it’s an opportunity to
talk about those things.
about when they feel And also, something that’s a little bit longer
safe enough.” than the short phrasing of a Heart-to-Heart Talk is
to listen to women describe some really delicious
sexual experiences. So they are putting themselves
back into the memory, and they’re talking out of that memory and what
they noticed was happening. When you put yourself back in that memory,
1
162
it can be very revealing. It can be what you were smelling or the way your
Lead-in Phrases for Heart-to-Heart Talks About Sexuality

Choose from any of these, or make up your own.
To Nurture Your Relationship With a Partner and Your Own Body
• Something I think is beautiful/sexy about women’s bodies is . . .
• Something I think is beautiful/sexy about men’s bodies is . . .
• Something I like about my/your pubic hair is . . .
• Something I like about my/your genitals* is . . .
• Something I think is pretty/attractive about my/your genitals* is . . .
• Something I love about making love is . . .
• One reason I think you’re a good lover is . . .
• Something I appreciate about this level of exploration is . . .
To Clear Fears, Anxieties, or Concerns

• Something I don’t like in sex is . . .
• Something I don’t want to happen in sex is . . .
• One of my concerns about my genitals* is . . .
• One of my fears about my genitals* is . . .
• Something bad that’s happened to my genitals* is . . .
• Something I’m afraid might happen if I start to groom my pubic hair is . . .
• Something I don’t want to have happen when I pay more attention to
my genitals* is . . .
• One of the reasons I think this might not work for me is . . .
• Something that really turns me off is . . .
1
* Use this or another word of your choosing. Ideally, it will be “your” word, the one you’ve chosen to refer
to your own genitalia.
(Continued from previous page.)
To Discover More About Yourself and Your Partner

• Something that helps me feel safe sexually is . . .
• Something that helps/makes me feel desirable sexually is . . .
• Something that turns me on is . . .
• Something I like in sex is . . .
• Something good that could happen out of this exploration is . . .
• Something I’m curious about in sex is . . .
• Something that excites me is . . .
• What helps me have an orgasm is . . .
• One of my fantasies about sex is . . .
• Something I’ve wanted in sex but been afraid to ask for is . . .
• A fantasy I have but wouldn’t like to act out is . . .
• A fantasy I’d like to act out is . . . y
energy was feeling or how you were being stroked or the way you were
feeling about your legs or your stomach or . . . it’s very interesting what
women will talk about when they feel safe enough, and I’d say that if
you’re going to discuss it with your girlfriends, the purpose of sharing has
to be explicit; otherwise, people may misconstrue it as some sort of
titillating something else.
KR Free pornography?
LC Yeah: “Let’s talk about sex so we can feel juicy.” Some women might not be
so open about discussing that intimate part of their lives. But if we’re
1
164
going to do this in the name of the sisterhood—
KR That’s right!
LC —there’s a different kind of motivation. I’d be willing to disclose some of
my personal experiences more intimately in that context than just a bunch
of ladies getting around talking in a shallow, titillating way about sex. It’s
like, “Well, what do they need to have that information for?” and “What
are they going to do with it once they have it?”
KR Yes, it’s a vulnerable conversation, just as vulnerable as it would be with a
lover.
LC Absolutely.
KR Are there other areas we might be overlooking?
LC Well, the only thing we haven’t touched on too much is the affirming
process. In the book [Straight From the Heart], it’s very explicit about how
to conduct affirming Heart-to-Heart Talks, and it’s hard in a brief
conversation to give instructions about it. But just the attitude of affirming
is good to convey here: It’s important that partners affirm one another. It’s
not enough that you like the way your lover makes love to you; you need
to let them know. You need to tell them. You need to show them that you
like the way they make love to you, or that if you like your lover’s pussy,
that you let her know that you think it’s pretty and what you think is
pretty. It’s not enough that you keep it all in yourself.
So sometimes when we’re voyaging into deeper levels of intimacy
and we become aware of one another’s fears, there can be a way of
affirming our partner or giving voice to what is the opposite of their fears.
So if their fear is that they don’t taste good, you let them know that you
really like the way they taste, if that’s true for you. Their concern is that
they’re not thin enough; you affirm them and you let them know that you
really love their body and you love the way that it feels and you don’t want 1
165
them to change it. So affirming is a very important part of building the

self-confidence of your partner, and you want to enhance your partner’s
self-confidence because they will then bring more passion and joy and
confidence to their sexual relationship with you.
“Intentionally, consciously building the

confidence and self-esteem of your partner is
something that’s important to do.”
Intentionally, consciously building the confidence and self-esteem of

your partner is something that’s important to do. And it’s as important for
men as it is for women. You know, this thing that it’s more important for
one than the other is just ridiculous. It’s equally important to all of us that
we feel safe and confident about our sexuality, and most of us don’t feel
that way as much as we could. I think it’s widely held that men need their
egos pumped about their sexuality, that men need to hear that they’ve got
a big one—or need to be praised more for their sexual prowess. Men don’t
go around thinking that women want to hear how beautiful their vulva is,
but women pretty much know that men love to hear what a gorgeous cock
they’ve got. Most men are not going to say, “Ew, don’t say that about me.”
Instead you’ll get a big grin.
KR Are there any other pointers you want to give people about using these
suggestions?
LC Oh, start easy, gentle. Don’t have a marathon.
1
166
KR Meaning what? Do one or two?

LC Do one or two, let it settle in—just keep the attitude of experimentation
with it. And give one another feedback about what’s working or not
working in the experiment. Trust in yourself, and trust in the healing
power of love.
()
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Audio Program)
Easily learn how to use all four kinds of Heart-to-Heart Talks (discovery, nurtur-
ing, clearing, affirming) to create more trust, understanding, cooperation, and
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167
About the Authors
Deborah Driggs, actress, model, and athlete, was a Playboy
Playmate in March 1990 and has appeared in the popular
men’s magazine countless times since then, plus competed
on the Playboy Extreme Team. Her biggest “turn off ”? Those
who think this book’s subject is scary, silly, or insignificant.
“Turn on”? Family. She lives in Utah with her three children,
Madeline, Bailey, and Kevin.
Karen Risch, a professional writer

since the age of sixteen, usually collaborates on books about
such titillating topics as finance, health, business, and personal
development. Several of the titles to which she’s contributed
have become bestsellers. She and her husband, Robert Mott
(who fully enjoyed designing and illustrating this book), live
with their dogs, cats, horses, and chickens on a farm in central
Virginia.
This is the first eBook for both authors.
1
169
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Warm, Humorous, and Sex-Positive . . .

The Mysteries and Secrets of Female Sexuality . . .

Entertaining and Erotic . . .

Copyright © 2004 by Deborah Driggs and Karen Risch

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions,

Designed and illustrated by Robert Mott & Associates (Mottopia.com)

To contact the authors with comments or personal stories, e-mail them at

This book is intended for use by mature adults.

W e owe our deepest gratitude to the women featured in Paolo

2. Creating Pubic Art: A Style Guide of the Latest ’Dos

3. Tidy Aphrodite: Bathtime Techniques . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .37

4. Love Nest: The Erotic Art of Grooming With a Partner . . . . . . . . . .53

5. Venus in the Modern Age:

6. Tricks of the Trade: Interviews With Top Experts

About the Authors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .169

Bibliography and Recommended Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .170

In the early seventies, an artist named Betty Dodson began conducting

clitoral hood it? Could we possibly use less sexy

Hair Care and Removal

S H A V I N G • Probably the cheapest and most pain-free option you have,

18 avoiding prickly bumps:

1. Trim before you shave any hair for the

W A X I N G • The primary benefits of waxing, whether you’re doing it at

The Pain (Oh, Momma!)

These days putting out one’s pretty power,

S U G A R I N G • A less painful way to get the smoothness associated with

C R E A M D E P I L A T O R I E S • You can get depilatories in drug and

1. Consider buying a lotion or liquid depilatory instead of the cream variety

E P I L A T O R I E S A N D T H R E A D I N G • Forget them. Remember we

P E R M A N E N T H A I R R E M O V A L • We don’t really recommend

Just Kittyng Complete Kit (Wax)

(Continued on next page.)

TREASURE CHEST (Continued from previous page.)

The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler (DVD or Book)

as much character Samantha, played by Kim Catrall, when

shoes.” and cranny of our lives.

“Power Puff” (or “Mighty Muff”)

“Chic & Shaved”

“Completely Bare” (a.k.a. “Slick,” “Smoothie,” and “Sphynx” )

Sparkly Adhesive Body Art plus Hair Bows and Baubles

Bath Products and Shaving Supplies

Going Down: Lip Service From Great Writers (Book)

Sex and the City on DVD

her boudoir Mary Queen of Scots filled her tubs with

A thousand kisses to your neck, your breasts,

Start by imagining yourself as Aphrodite, commonly known as the goddess of love

Adorning the Temple

Anointing the Altar

ever you wash the hair on your head. If you’ve shaved,

5. Mist your face with a cooling spray, Checklist for the

Draw a hot bath. In a small bowl,

Purif ying Salt Bath

1. Clean your bathtub, then fill it with warm water.

with majestic motion, 12. Dip your dominant hand’s forefinger

Land of the Rising Sun

Art for the Bath

Mediterranea by Savina Yannatou (CD)

with something How would your lover react if you offered

Of course, after he’s done, you can return the favor.

Apricot split Milliner’s shop

Barbu (bar-boo: French, “the bearded Cwithe (Old English)