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Andreina De Anda
History 301-01
April 10, 2013
My Familys Past
Family traditions tend to change as the years pass. My family has been able to adapt from
generation to generation to the new ways of dating. My grandparents and my parents
experienced different beliefs regarding how to date; compared to the ideas my parents have on
me today. In The Way we Never Were by Stephanie Coontz, she explains the norms of dating
during the 1900s and 1920s. She states that couples in 1900 had gotten to know each other on
the front porch of their parents home. By the 1920s they went out on dates (Coontz, p.194).
Her ideas are very different from what my grandparents experienced in Mexico, what my parents
experienced both in America and Mexico, and how they treat me when I want to go out. Coontz
also states that a couple who stays together after their kids depart faces more than a third of a
century with no other company in the household besides each other, compared to the short time
of child-free years experienced in previous centuries (Coontz, p.186-7). The experience of my
family is the opposite of what Coontz is stating because my grandparents did not spend time
alone without any children. Coontzs ideas about the family do not fit with the traditions of my
family because in Mexico there are different beliefs from what is common in America.
Coontzs talks about how people dated in the 1900s and the 1920s, but in Mexico they
had extremely different ideas. My maternal grandmother met my grandfather in the town plaza.
Once they started dating, my grandma did not have permission from her parents to leave the
house with her boyfriend. My grandma could only see my grandpa in the afternoon when there
was an adult supervising them. My grandma and grandpa were able to get to know each other on

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the front porch. They could never go out for dinner or walk around the town because it was not
right for couples that were not married to be out on their own, especially if it was dark outside. It
was during the late 1950s that my grandma was dating. At least where my grandma is from,
dating was very different from what Coontz mentions. In Mexico, during the 1950s, couples
could only date at the womans house. Going out alone was only possible after marriage.
My maternal grandmothers experience in dating has some similarities with my paternal
grandmother. My maternal grandma and grandpa met because they lived in nearby ranches. They
were both attracted to each other, but my grandmas parents did not allow her to date anyone.
The only option left was to see each other in secret without anyone finding out. My grandpa
would go to my grandmas ranch and they would talk in the porch or from a window. Sometimes
they would only get to talk for few minutes because my grandmas parents would be nearby and
they could be caught. My grandparents dated for a short time and eventually got married because
it is hard to get to know each other if they could hardly see each other. Dating in Mexico was
very different from Americas way of dating. My grandparents were dating in the late 1940s, and
their situation is nothing like what Coontz mentions. Their dating was done behind my
grandmas parents back. My maternal grandma had a worse experience than my paternal
grandma because my grandparents were not allowed to get to know each other well before
getting married.
Dating changed very little from my grandparents experience to the experience my
parents went through. My maternal grandpa did not want his daughters to date, yet they all
disobeyed him. My mom and dad met in Mexico. My mom lived part of the year in San Pedro
and the other part in Mexico, and my dad was living in Sacramento and very little time in
Mexico. They were able to get to know each other through writing letters. For my parents it was

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harder to date in Mexico because they were only allowed to talk in the porch. After a few months
of dating, my parents could go out, but only if one of my moms sisters went with them. My
parents would often go on double dates, and my mom liked the idea because they were able to
have more freedom and leave the house. When both of my parents were in California, my moms
sister allowed her to go out with my dad only if her two small daughters came along. Compared
to the 1940s and 1950s, my parents had a lot more freedom because they were able to go out of
the house, although they could never be alone without someone there. My parents were dating in
the late 1980s and they experienced situations that were happening in America during the 1920s.
Coontz stated that couples were able to go out on their own in the 1920s thus having privacy
without the family (Coontz, p.194). My parents were able to go out, but there was always
someone observing them. They did not have the same experience as Coontz states, but they had
better dating opportunities than my grandparents.
My parents are traditional and dating ideas have somewhat changed for me. It has been
more than 100 years that Coontz stated that during the 1900s couples had to get to know each
other on the front porch or inside the house (Coontz p.186). My parents still want me to get to
know each other inside my house. My parents want to know who I am getting to know before
allowing me to go out with him without supervision. My permission to date has a mixture of
what Coontz stated that was happening in the 1900s and 1920s. My parents agree that dating has
changed much from their generation to my generation, but they feel it is necessary for them to
know with who their daughter is going out with before allowing us to go out on their own. My
parents are following their way of dating with me, but with the exception that I do not need to
bring someone to be with us all the time. They trust me and allow me to go on my own with him.

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Another of Coontzs belief is that couples are spending much more time alone without
children than in previous years when couples did not have much time off without children
(Coontz, p.186-7). My grandparents experience with this belief appears to be the opposite of
Coontzs idea. My maternal grandmother had a total of ten children and most of her children are
two to three years apart. When my oldest aunt decided to get married, my grandmother still had a
very young child to raise. My grandparents did not spend more than a third of a century without
any children. By the time all my aunts and uncles married, my grandparents were never alone.
When my grandparents lived in Mexico, they would live with their daughter and her husband and
when they were here in California they would live with my uncle and his wife. When my
grandpa past away, my grandma decided to get her own apartment, but most of the time she had
the company of a daughter or she would come to one of her daughters home. My grandparents
experience fits more with what was happening many years ago and today. Children are getting
married at an older age; therefore parents are spending more time at home with their children.
My paternal grandmothers experience regarding the amount of time she spent after her
children married is similar to my maternal grandparents experience. My grandma only had five
children and four out of the five children she had married. One of her daughters never married
and decided to live with my grandma. My grandma might have spent many years without a
husband because my grandpa passed away when she was around twenty-seven years old, but she
is not alone because her daughter is there keeping her company. It is not exactly the situation that
Coontz explains, but my grandma has spent a lot years with only her daughter. Coontz
explanation makes it seem that when children decide to settle on their own, parents and children
are no longer close or hardly see each other. This idea is not true for my family because although
most of the children married, the family still keeps in touch very often.

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My brother and I still live with our parents, so I do not really know how many years my
parents will spend living without children. We do not have plans to move anytime soon, so I
believe that they will spend very few years without children. In my extended family, some of my
cousins are married, some are still living with their parents, and some decided to live by
themselves. My aunts and uncles are living with at least one of their children at their house. My
extended family fits with the idea that in the previous centuries, parents used to spend a few
years without children. I think in my parents case, they will also have their children live a longer
period and spend fewer years alone.
In conclusion, Coontzs beliefs about the family do not really fit into the situations that
my family faced. My grandparents and parents had strict dating policies that Coontz stated were
happening during the 1900s. My grandparents and parents were dating much later than the 1900s
and 1920s and they did not have the freedom that other couples were having during that time. In
my generation, my parents are still enforcing ideas that were present in the 1900s and 1920s. My
grandparents enjoyed having their children around at home and they did not spend time alone
without any children because there was always someone with them. Today, people are getting
married at an older age and that situation is true in my family, so that means that my parents are
going to have children for a longer period time. As times are changing, it appears that Coontzs
belief about parents spending less time alone is coming back today.

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