Jessica Irving

Terra Davis
English 2010
October 22, 2014

Rock-A-Bye High School Student

Herriman High home of the Mustangs, three years treated many students
well (I dont understand what you are saying here), however, sleep was a huge issue
for many of the Mustangs. Many high schools in the region are generic; school start
time is strictly at 7:30 a.m. and ends at 2:25 p.m (all of the public high schools).
Pushing school start time thirty minutes later would certainly benefit the students.
Sleep is essential for many of our daily tasks and functions, concentration in school
and maintaining a healthy social life. All of these functions all revolve around
receiving eight plus hours of sleep.
The amount of sleep was reflected in students tests, school, work, as well as
maintaining a healthy home life, yet many of my fellow mustang friends would
brush it off as of little concern when really sleep should have been top priority for
them (so is this a problem for the school to address or a problem that the students
need to take responsibility for?). There are many ways to approach getting the right
amount of sleep, such as going to bed earlier, however, this raises the issue if the
students may be apart of extracurricular activities even nightly homework, which
can a stressful-hair pulled by the roots-burden. Herriman high, Riverton High even
Bingham Highschoolers suffer this burden of being required to wake up at
unreasonable hours eventually we tend dose off, slobber on the desks, and

repeatedly ask the teacher to go over the material again. Herriman high has been
taking into consideration of moving school start time to 7:55 a.m. while still ending
at 2:25 p.m. this adjustment would result in shaving off lunchtime and breaks in
between classes. Principle Birch says, providing students with a delayed start time
students will be able to have time to talk to their teachers, make up exams and is
gives teachers time to prepare for class. To avoid messing with bus schedules, a
Herriman High shift would leave morning bus routes intact. Students who ride the
bus would arrive at school early (so those students still have to get up at the same
time? Where did you get the information from the principal?).
The solution to the lack of focus in school would be to initiate the start time
of school at 8:00 a.m. and promptly end at 3:00 p.m. from this approach the students
would be able to get their sleep as well as maintain focus in the classroom (the early
start time is not the only reason that high school classes have a lack of focus; you
need to hedge your statements; what would actually (definitely) change with a
change in start time?).
For example, an important recent study published this spring by Dr. Kyla
Wahlstrom documented the positive effects of school start time delay in over 9000
students from eight high schools in three states, including improved grades and
standardized test scores and up to a 65 to 70 percent reduction in teen car accidents
(give specifics about the test scores and show that the reduction in car accidents is
an added benefit since that is not your focus here). Concentration, tardiness,
decreased attention span; test scores and overall academic achievement are all
greatly affected by sleep deprivation. Increased rates in depression, suicidal ideation

and not surprisingly enough, obesity, all contribute to chronic sleep loss. Weve all
wondered why school start time isnt pressed forward high school start times have
proven difficult. (make sure to read your work aloud to find confusing phrasing)
Competition for teen sleep has been a giant game of tug-o-war everything including,
bus schedules, preference of the teachers (think of the teachers! (unnecessary)),
parents and administrators all must be taken into consideration. Along the Wasatch
front some high schools are making adjustment to their schedules for the benefit of
teachers allowing them to receive more collaboration time. Which in turn students
get to sleep in. (fragment)
We have all been through the blender of the high school years (what is a
blender of high school years?) and understand what it was like to be a sleepless
teen; teens stay up later not because they dont want to go to sleep, but because they
cant. Melatonin is a hormone secreted by the pineal gland that inhibits melanin
formation and is important for the initiation of regulating sleep cycles more is
produced at night causing the teen to go to bed later. Adolescence melatonin is
delayed which consequently gives the adolescent lack of sleep drive, teens do not
feel sleepy until much later at night. Although many changes over the course of teen
years can affect the quality and quantity of sleep, one of the most salient and
arguably, most malleable if that of school start times. Adolescents need between 8.5
to 9.5 hours of sleep each night a survey released showed that teens are only
receiving 7.5 hours of sleep. The Minneapolis School District moved their start time
from 7:15 to 8:40 a.m. to give students more time to sleep. Their study showed that
attendance improved, grades increased slightly and fewer adolescence had feelings

of depression. (You have switched to a much more formal approach with this
paragraph; the evidence would be helpful above)
"It is kind of hard to convince school districts to start later because of other
variables. But if their ultimate goal is for kids to learn, you just don't learn
well when you are falling asleep in class," says Paul Teman, a physician and
sleep specialist at University Hospital's Sleep-Wake Center. "When schools
are starting earlier, my feeling is you are going against hard-wiring." (for a
block quote only the word quoted from the source should be included;
introduce the quotation in the sentence before the block quote begins; only
use the block quote format when the quotation itself is more than four lines
in regular text; no quotation marks for block quotes)
With the idea of giving teens an extra hour of sleep they must exercise
healthy habits such as sleep-wake schedule, avoidance of caffeine, shutting down
electronics before bedtime, all of these would certainly increase a teens mood and
test scores (none of which the school can control). The urgency and the magnitude
of the problem of sleep loss in adolescence and the availability of the intervention
that has the potential to have broad and immediate effects are highly compelling.

Sources (Works Cited; same font, not

underline)
American Academy of Sleep Medicine. "High School Students With A Delayed School
Start Time Sleep Longer, Report Less Daytime Sleepiness." ScienceDaily
(italics). ScienceDaily, 11 June 2008. (did you see this online or in print?)
Lahey, Jessica. Students arent getting Enough Sleep-School Starts Too Early. The
Atlantic. (publisher and date posted or N.p., n.d.) Web. 25 August 2014.

Winters, Rosemary. High school start times make it tough to get both As and Zzzs.
The Salt Lake Tribune (italics; publisher and date posted). Web. 14 March
2011.
You are considerably scattered in the organization of ideas here. I am not sure your
intended audience, but your tone is quite informal. With a tone like that, the format
of an academic paper (sans internal citation) may not be the best. What are you
trying to accomplish here? What do you want the audience to do after reading your
paper? Since you have recently finished high school, you can offer yourself as a sort
of expert, but you need to clearly identify yourself as a recent graduate. I would also
suggest that you clearly identify your intentions/purpose in the beginning of the
paper if you are talking directly to the school/principal. If you are talking to the
school, you need to clearly identify the things over which they do not have control as
being outside of your proposal even though they are also factors contributing to
your stated problem. I like the places where you include specific facts. If you want
an academic paper, you do need internal citations as well as sources (works cited) at
the end. It feels a little like you need some more time editing also (only after you
alter the organization). Some wording is very confusing. Reading papers outloud as
a last edit helps to identify those places where the wording will confuse your
message. Also if you are talking to professionals, a clean presentation will add to
your credibility.
Grade
9/15 Content/Style
7/10 Thesis

Criteria
Clarity and focus, unity, originality,
concrete language
While the thesis may not be stated,
the project still has a strong sense
of direction and purpose

Comments

23/30 Logic and

supporting
evidence

9/15 Organization

13/20 Audience
Awareness
8/10 Formatting/
Mechanics

Total

Strong, logical argument; focused

evidence; focused details;
anticipation of counter arguments;
supporting information is quoted
accurately and well-cited according
to the demands of the medium
Effective introduction and
conclusion, logical/natural flow of
ideas, smooth transitions, main
points well supported
Uses a tone and structure
appropriate for the audience and
purpose and is easy to read
Appearance which may include:
punctuation, spelling,
grammar/syntax, sentence
structure, spatial arrangement
70