Good Capture

There comes a time, in everyone life, when you have to learn to check yourself,
Clear and simple use
of anaphora.
before you wreck yourself. A time when you have to trust others. A time where you
Revise to make more
clear.
Too*
have to be honest with yourself. To many people live empty, cynical, lonely lives,
Dishonesty*
feeling dissatisfied because of their dishonestly, whether it be to themselves or others,
has driven their happiness away. There is a surprisingly simple solution to this hole-inyour-soul feeling.
add comma between
while and right
Everybody lies once in a while right? Especially high schoolers. We lie to our
consider changing
their to our
parents, some of us lie to their friends, even the occasional lie to our teachers, Oh, my
computer wasnt working so I couldnt do my homework. We lie all the time as high
Run on sentence. Consider chopping
Schoolers*
Protect*
into smaller sentences.
schooler because we feel the need to protecting ourselves. Getting out of being yelled
at by our parents, avoiding the disapproval from our friends, preventing our precious,
pain strikingly important, boarder line grades from slipping are all situations where it
seems lying is obviously the more favorable alternative, but how will this effect us in
the long run? When all these lies become a habit. When it becomes more natural to lie
Known
Than
rather then say how we really feel and to be know by a completely different identity

Clarity of sentence is
lost here
from person to person based on which lies we told to who. It will most likely end with
disappointed parents, friends that dont trust us, and teachers who dont respect us. Its
time we grow up, and grow out for the lying teenager stereotype and start being honest
with people. The more honest you are with others, the more honest you can be with
yourself.
So what do I mean when I say to be honest with yourself? Your probably thinking,
Well that sounds ridiculous. Why would I lie to myself? Im not talking about verbally
telling yourself lies like yeah those shoes look fantastic on you because, yeah,
people would think your crazy. Im talking about the actions and decisions you make
when you get that gut feeling when somethings not right. Im talking about being true to
yourself, honoring your feelings, being able look yourself in the mirror at the end of the
To ^
day and be proud of the choices youve made. So proud of the choices youve made
where if you were given the opportunity to do the day over again, you wouldnt change
a single thing. Because being honest and true to your person, whether your character
is gleaming or questionable, it will always lead to a happier life. Because is a life lived

as a lie really a life lived at all?

Now is the time to keep this habit in check to prevent it from growing into a dilemma
that, in the long run, will most likely wreck relationships you built with all the important
people in your life. This will not only make your life easier, but your honesty is more
like to be reciprocated and you will have a life where you can end the day satisfied that
it was a day well spent. So, my challenge to you is trying being more a honest person,
with yourself and others, and see the fulling, compassionate, genial life you could lead.
Aside from the simple errors,
the points made are strong and
the speech itself was clear to
read
Peer revisions:

abilty
3 of 5

The second to last paragraph had some strong ideas, and was therefore the most
interesting.
this paper sustain a coherent point of view? Why or why not?
Yes, it stays with the point of view as a high schooler.

Yes, simply by revising it.

r's thesis.
4 of 5

argument made in the body of the paper? Why or why not?

Yes, the conclusion was drawn from the thesis.
ress from the former ones? Why or why
not?
Yes, the points made build off of each other.

correct this?
No, this papers logic doesn't fall flat.
r relies on evidence, or on opinion or intuition? If the latter, cite
examples of where this paper relies on opinion and intuition and give suggestions as to
how the writer can write more objectively.
The paper somewhat relies on opinion.
smoothly does this paper integrate examples into its own argument? Does it clearly
illustrate connections between the evidence it cites and the ideas they support, or does it
merely assume them? Explain.
It integrates examples very smoothly.
y does the author express his or her ideas?
4 of 5

3 of 5

informality, clichs, and wordiness. Give a few examples of these problems, if they exist.
There were some that were commented on.

concise? If yes, which ones?

No it is fine as is.