Example 1 Iteration 1 Edits

STRICTLY(PRIVATE(&(CONFIDENTIAL(
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sunny11!
( |( ( DOCUMENT(REQUIREMENTS:(
L2!SOP!
Please state your purpose in applying for graduate study.
Describe your scholarly and research area(s) of interest,
experiences that contributed to your preparation in the
field, and
your plans for your future occupation or profession.
Briefly describe experiences that have prepared you
for advanced study or research, and
provide any additional information that may aid the
selection committee in evaluating your preparation and
aptitude for graduate study at UCLA. If you are applying
for a research masters or doctoral program, you are
encouraged to indicate specific research interests and
potential faculty mentors.
!
( |( ( NOTES:(
Dear Xiaodan,
Please find my comments and changes below. Overall there is some very good content and it feels like a strong and personal
application.
I think the main area to work on is the segues between the paragraphs, as although the content inside the paragraphs is good, the
sequencing between them could be stronger. If you can try to work on these areas the flow and progression of the statement will
feel much clearer and more natural, and it will be easier to read treat each paragraph as an idea, but try to follow more from one
idea into the next.
Please also check some of the details and questions I have highlighted.
I look forward to receiving some more from you, I think with a few tweaks we can get this perfect quite soon!
All best wishes,
Henry.
No need for titles/wrought formalities like this:
Statement(of(Purpose(
Xiaodan!Shen!
This is a bit to general and possibly a little clichdaim to be more specific and practical in your elucidation of your goals:
I!believe!I!am!a!born!engineer
Helpful advice
If#a#woman#read#this#when#assessing#your#application,#she#might#take#offence#at#this!#!#
and
Unlike!other!girls,!I!am!obsessed!with!logical!thinking.#
explanations
This#is#very#general;#they#dont#want#to#know#how#your#experiences#made#you#feel;#they#want#to#hear#
how#experiences have prepared you for advanced study or research#
about removals
From!practice,!I!find!my!peace!and!enjoyment!in!the!feeling!of!making!a!difference!to!this!world.!
from document.
was!a!memorable!experience!for!me!
This#will#already#be#everywhere#in#your#application;#now#need#to#use#up#words#saying#it#again:#
Note the
Therefore,!after!four!years'!study!in!the!Department!of!Optical!Engineering!in!Zhejiang!University!
rationale that
!
This# is# material# that# can# go# in# your# resumeit# is# strongly# advised# NOT# to# repeat# information# between# should be
different#application#documents:#
applied. This
three!months!summer!2014!internship#
This#will#be#selfEevident#from#the#very#fact#that#youre#applying!#
also establishes
,!I!have!made!up!my!mind!to!apply!for!the!Masters!degree!of!Electrical!Engineering!at!UCLA,!with!
the!faith!it!can!prepare!me!for!a!future!career!in!the!electrical!industry.!
an authoritative
going!abroad!for!a!Masters!degree!in!Electrical!Engineering!
and!I!would!be!delighted!if!I!could!join!them!and!make!a!contribution.!
voice: important.
Holding!the!belief!that!I!am!a!born!engineer,!I!wish!to!get!a!deeper,!comprehensive!understanding!of!
electrical!circuits,!and!keep!up!with!the!most!advanced!technology!in!the!field!
Author
This# is# selfEevident# from# the# nature# of# research# funding# and# how# difficult# it# is# to# obtainthe# fact# your#Comment [1]: The#fact#you#wish#this#is#
project#WAS#funded#is#sufficient#to#convey#this:#
very#clear#but#to#make#it#relevant#to#the#
I!stood!out!from!hundreds!of!applicants!all!over!China!and!finally!secured!an!application!for!national!(CSC)!
question#posed,#you#need#to#(1)#What#
experiences#led#to#this#goal#(and#how#they#
If#you#want#to#say#something#like#this,#the#important#thing#to#focus#on#is#HOW#you#ensured#that#you#stood#
led#to#this#goal;#(2)#How#these#experiences#
out.#
prepared#you#to#pursue#this#goal#on#a#
graduate#program.# #
Againthis#can#be#mentioned#in#the#resume;#if#you#want#to#mention#it#in#the#statement,#you#have#to#go#
further;#what#do#you#want#to#say#about#the#supervision!of!Prof.!Lindsay!LeBlanchow#did#it#benefit#or#
represent#your#progress#in#a#way#that#will#appeal#to#UCLA?#
under!the!supervision!of!Prof.!Lindsay!LeBlanc!
!
You# shouldnt# use# the# SoP# as# a# medium# to# convey# the# opinions# of# others;# this# is# your# statement# and# it#
should#speak#for#you,#not#anyone#else#(can#this#be#covered#in#an#RL#from#Prof.#LeBlanc?)#
and!her!approval!of!my!decision!gives!me!a!lot!of.!
!
Could# you# expand# more# on# your# goal,# relating# it# to# specific# areas# of# research# WITHIN# the# field# of#
embedded#system#design?#Look#at#what#is#asked#for#in#the#questionthey#will#need#much#more#clarity!(!(
In!my!opinion,!engineering!is!to!make!things!easier,!which!is!exactly!the!final!goal!of!my!studying!circuits!
Author
and!embedded!systems!and!of!being!an!electrical!engineer.!
Comment [2]: Goal#
As!for!the!potential!faculty!mentor!and!specific!research!interests,!based!on!my!final!goal!YYYY!making!things!
easier,#
Describe your scholarly and research area(s) of interest

#
The#links#between#your#experiences#should#not#be#the#level#at#which#you#remember#them,#but#their#impact#
on#your#development#and#objectives.# #
Another!unforgettable!encounter!with!electrical!circuits!was!in!
!
They#dont#want#to#hear#about#awards#(these#will#be#in#your#resume)they#want#to#hear#about#HOW#you#
won#the#award#and#WHAT#you#learned#in#the#process#and#how#that#has#influenced#you!#
and!won!third!prize!among!more!than!thousand!teams!
!
Given! that! I! would! like! to! focus! on! electrical! circuits! in! my! graduate! study! and! have! a! strong! interest! in!
circuits!and!embedded!systems,!these!are!the!areas!in!which!I!have!chosen!to!specialise.!
This#statement#is#what#this#document#needs#to#focus#on#explaining#and#substantiating.#
#
#
!
(
(
(
(
Please state your purpose in applying for graduate study.

Describe your scholarly and research area(s) of interest,
experiences that contributed to your preparation in the field, and
Briefly describe experiences that have prepared you for advanced study or
research, and
provide any additional information that may aid the selection committee in
evaluating your preparation and aptitude for graduate study at UCLA. If you are
applying for a research masters or doctoral program, you are encouraged to
indicate specific research interests and potential faculty mentors.
Author
Deleted:
Author
Comment [3]: Explain#how#working#in#this#
... [1]
Author
Comment [4]: Link#this#interest#back#to#
... [2]
Author
Comment [5]: Describe your plans...for
[3]
Author
Deleted: I!believe!I!am!a!born!engineer.!
... [4]
!
IN#ORDER#TO#ENABLE#US#TO#MAKE#RAPID#PROGRESS#IN#A#WAY#THAT#ADDRESSES#THE#
QUESTION#EFFECTIVELY,#I#HAVE#DIVIDED#THE#MATERIAL#UNDER#HEADINGS#TO#TRY#TO#
SHOW#YOU#HOW#IT#IS#BEING#USED#AND#WHAT#ADDITIONAL#INPUT#IS#NEEDED#FROM#
YOU.#
!
!
Author
1. Describe your scholarly and research area(s) of interest

2. Describe your plans for your future occupation or profession
My!experience!of!developing!logical!approaches!to!theory!and!my!deep!engagement!with!practical!
applications!has!offered!robust!preparation!for!graduate!study!at!UCLA,!where!I!would!like!to!focus!on!
circuits!and!embedded!systems!in!my!research.!I!would!be!particularly!interested!in!working!in!Prof.!
Mani!B!Srivastavas!Networked!and!Embedded!Systems!Laboratory,!given!his!group's!contributions!to!
lowYpower!energyYaware!(LEAP)!embedded!systems.!This!would!enable!me!to!expand!on!my!work!in!
xxxx.!After!this!period!postgraduate!study,!I!aim!to!devote!myself!to!professional!practice!in!electrical!
engineering.!
!
!
They#are#asking#for#2#types#of#experiences:#
Deleted: three!months'!2014!summer!2014!
... [7]
Deleted: it!can!prepare!me!for!a!future!
... [5]
Author
Comment [6]: This!paragraph!begins!quite!
... [6]
Author
Deleted: The!
Author
Author
Deleted: ,!Canada
Author
Deleted: ! was!an!memorable!experience!to!
... [8]
Author
Deleted: ping!under!the!supervision!of!Prof.!
... [9]
Author
Explaining the implications of the question.
1. experiences that contributed to your preparation in the field This means HOW
DID THEY AFFECT YOUR INTEREST IN THE SUBJECT?]

2. experiences that have prepared you for advanced study or research This means
HOW DID THEY IMPROVE YOUR SKILLSET (IN A WAY THAT IS RELEVANT
TO UCLAS PROGRAM)?]!
#
The#material#youve#provided#is#currently#very#descriptive.#For#EACH#of#the#experiences#below,#you#
need#to#EVALUATE#the#experience#and#use#each#one#of#them#to#explain#and#justify#you#INTERESTS#
and#your#RELEVANT#SKILLS.#
Deleted: realizing!
Author
Deleted: I!designed!a!highYprecision! ... [10]
Author
Deleted: ! by
Author
Deleted: ing
Author
Deleted: ! at!the!same!point!with!a!
Deleted: With!further!s
Author
Deleted: by!using
Author
[Experience(1]!
Deleted: software!Matlab
My!projectundertaken!at!the!University!of!Alberta!with!funding!from!the!China!Scholarship!
Councilaimed!to!design,!optimize,!assemble!and!test!an!optical!system!for!optical!dipole!traps.!After!
Author
fully!exploring!the!principle!of!optical!dipole!trapping,!I!focused!two!1064Ynm!rightYangled!laser!
Deleted: !
beams!to!create!a!highYprecision!trapping!system.!Simulations!on!MATLAB!and!Origin!allowed!me!to!
Author
This is one possible approach

to a situation where the client
material needs significant work.
There is no outright prescription
about how you should handle
each taskevery document is
different.
... [11]
Author
Deleted: software,!I
THE KEY THING IS:

Take an intelligent,
practical approach
and explain what you
are doing and why to
the client, and what
they need to do next.
Heavy edit on all material

determine!optical!device!parameters,!after!which!I!independently!assembled!the!relevant!hardware.!
The!test!results!matched!my!theoryYbased!predictions;!the!beam!waist!was!20Ymicrometers!pointed!
to!an!ideal!outcome.!
Author
Deleted: worked!outetermine!optical!
... [12]
Author
Comment [7]: What#were#the#implications#
... [13]
Author
Comment [8]: Explain#how#this#internship#
... [15]
!
This!internship!presented!me!with!the!possibility!of!becoming!a!versatile!engineer,.! ! !
!
Another!important!developmental!outcome!of!this!project!was!the!confidence!and!courage!I!acquired!
Author
Deleted: threeYmonthYlong!nternship!
... [14]
Author
through!the!profound!friendship!I!established!with!my!supervisor,!Prof.!Lindsay!LeBlanc.!
Deleted: ! going!abroad!for!a!master!... [16]
Author
[Experience(2](
Deleted: During!the!summernother!... [17]
As!part!of!my!work!in!the![lecture]!Microcomputer!Systems:!Design!and!Application,!I!designed!a!
Author
system!for!testing!clock!rate!based!on!the!80C51!singleYchip!microcontroller.!I!used!the!HD7279A!
Comment [9]: This#is#great,#but#please#

... [18]
keyboard!management!chip!to!select!different!modes,!displaying!test!results!live!on!an!LCD!screen.!
Author
Working!long!hours!in!the!lab!to!optimize!the!design!and!spending!my!free!time!at!electronics!market!
Deleted: ,! ! during!this!summer!and!her!
... [19]
looking!for!devices,!enabled!me!to!produce!outstanding!results:!My!coding!made!full!use!of!the!array!
Author
and!therefore!saved!a!lot!of!memory,!helping!me!rank!second!among!my!peers!in!the!final!evaluation.!
Comment [10]: Do#you#mean#you#
Through!this!course!project,!I!found!I!have!a!natural!enthusiasm!for!embedded!system!design! !
Author
Deleted: In!s!part!of!my!work!in!the![!
... [20]
[Experience(3](
Author
During!the!lecture!series!Electric!Circuit!Design!Lab,!I!designed!and!assemble!an!intelligent!
Deleted: "icrocomputer!Systems:!Design!
... [22]
lineYtracking!car!that!took!advantage!of!LEDs!and!photoresistors!to!control!the!motors!and!keep!the!
Author
car!travelling!along!a!specific!route.!In!the!final!test,!my!car!ran!both!quickly!and!smoothly!because!
Comment [11]: You#need#to#explain#more#

... [23]
XXX!
Author
Deleted: .!I!could!stay!in!the!lab!for!six!hours!
... [24]
[Experience(4](
... [21]
Author
My!strong!practical!and!academic!abilities!were!highlighted!in!the!6th!National!Energy!Saving!and!
Pollution!Reducing!Competition.!I!led!teammates!from!the!Department!of!Energy!Engineering!to!apply!
energy!engineering!principles!to!optical!design!
!
Comment [12]: Again,!check!if!you!mean!

... [26]
Author
Deleted: Another!unforgotten!unforgettable!
... [25]
Author
[Experience(5](
Regular!work!in!Prof.!Qing!Yang's!lab,!helping!graduate!students!with!research!on!nanowireYbased!
ultraviolet!light!emitting!diodes,!I!took!responsibility!for!developing!appropriate!nanowires!and!
undertaking!basic!tests!for!optoelectronic!properties.!I!rapidly!acquired!the!sophisticated!skills!I!
needed!to!make!useful!contributions!to!this!research,!to!the!extent!that!I!was!third!author!on!the!
resulting!paper!entitled!"High!efficiency!single!Ag!nanowire/pYGaN!substrate!Schottky!junctionYbased!
ultraviolet!light!emitting!diodes."! !
Deleted: "lectric!Circuit!Design!Lab"!
... [27]
Author
Comment [13]: Describe#what#was#good#
... [28]
Author
Deleted: and!reasonably!won!me!a!high!
... [29]
Author
Deleted: What!i's!more,!my!strong! ... [30]
Targeted, tailored
questionswant
specific
information (you
probably will
with most L2s)?
Ask a specific
question!
Author
Comment [14]: This#could#be#used#to#
... [31]
Author
Deleted: ,!which!I!was!in!charge!of.!In!... [32]
Author
Comment [15]: Please#provide#an#
... [33]
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Deleted:
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Explain( how( working( in( this( Lab( would& be& an& excellent& way& to& utilize& my& skills& and&
experiences.(
Author
Link(this(interest(back(to(your(prior(experiences.(Ie:(explain(why(this(particular(focus(
interests(you.(Otherwise(it(is(just(material(that(anyone(could(set(down(in(a(document(
having(looked(online!( (
Author
Describe your plans for your future occupation or profession

You need to provide a more detailed account of this point; you also need to
provide some reasons why this is relevant to the course at UCLA (and ideally the
Prof. Srivastavas work in particular.)&
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I&believe&I&am&a&born&engineer.&Unlike&some&other&girls,&I&am&obsessed&with&logical&thinking.&From&
deeply&fathoming&one&theory&to&perfectly&applying&it&into&practice,&I&find&my&peace&and&enjoyment&in&
the&feeling&of&making&a&difference&to&this&world.&Therefore,&after&four&years'&study&in&the&Department&
of&Optical&Engineering&in&Zhejiang&University,&I&have&make&made&up&my&mind&to&apply&for&the&master&
Masters&degree&of&Electrical&Engineering&in&at&UCLA,&with&a&faith&to&prepare&myselfthe&faith& &
&
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it&can&prepare&me&for&a&future&career&in&the&electrical&industry.&
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preface&it?&
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three&months'&2014&summer&2014&internship&in&
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&
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electrical&the&field&when&pursuing&the&master&degree&in&Electrical&Engineering,&UCLA.&The&Masters&
degree&in&Electrical&Engineering,&UCLA,&would&be&the&perfect&place&to&do&this.&After&finishing,&I&would&
aim&to&devote&myself&into&professional&practice&in&the&same& & electrical&fielddiscipline,& & after&
finishing&master&degree&and&becominge&a&real&engineer&andto&makinge&things&easier&for&everyone&in&
the&world.&
&
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STRICTLY(PRIVATE(&(CONFIDENTIAL(

All best wishes,

Comment [2]: Goal#

Describe your scholarly and research area(s) of interest

Please state your purpose in applying for graduate study.

1. Describe your scholarly and research area(s) of interest

Explaining the implications of the question.

DID THEY AFFECT YOUR INTEREST IN THE SUBJECT?]

This is one possible approach

THE KEY THING IS:

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Deleted: ! going!abroad!for!a!master!... [16]

Deleted: During!the!summernother!... [17]

Comment [9]: This#is#great,#but#please#

Comment [10]: Do#you#mean#you#

Comment [11]: You#need#to#explain#more#

Comment [12]: Again,!check!if!you!mean!

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Describe your plans for your future occupation or profession

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,& & during&this&summer&and&her&approval&of&my&decision&gives&me&a&lot&of&confidence&and&courage.&

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