Part 2: Revision Document

Text from my
initial WP
submission:
(a phrase,
sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move,
punctuation,
piece of
evidence, etc.)

An
observation
or question I
received
from De
Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote:
(ie, the change[s]
I made to column
1)

How this
change
impacts my
paper:

WP1 Thesis
Statement:

Another solid
observation. It
seems to me
like youre
getting at
audience a lot
in this paper
is it worth
revising your
thesis to
include this
more?

Changed thesis
statement:

I changed the
focus of my
paper to include
the genres
conventions but
to also include
the importance
of audience and
the ways that
each of the
examples from
my genre
targets specific
audiences.

Because a
majority of the
people ordering
pizzas online via
website
homepages are
millennials,
pizza
businesses such
as Woodstocks
Pizza, Blaze
Pizza, and
Dominos Pizza
usually provide
links to their
social media
pages and
employ pathos
to draw
customers in,
which are
examples of the
many specific
conventions
geared toward
the younger
generation.

By using genre
awareness, Pizza
businesses such
as Woodstocks
Pizza, Blaze Pizza,
and Dominos
Pizza modify their
website
homepages to be
geared toward
their audiences
Woodstocks and
Blaze pinpoint
specific
audiences such
as UCSB students
and foodies,
respectively,
while Dominos
concentrates on
broadening their
audience.

WP1: Paragraph
2

Paragraphs are
like those bites.
Give your reader
your argument in
little, digestable,
one-idea-at-a-time
bits.

I separated the
long paragraph
into two separate
paragraphs.

This way my
paragraphs are
in nice, bitable
pieces that are
easier for my
reader to read.

WP1: Last two

paragraphs

Although
these are
effective uses
of the
quotes/reading
s, it felt a bit
squooshed in
at the end
like you were
fulfilling a part
of the
assignment,
rather than
organically
integrating
them into your
argument.

I put the one

about marketers
and genre at the
beginning, to
introduce genre
and then talk
about the
importance of
genre awareness
for marketers.
Then near the
end, I have the
paragraph about
consumers and
genre awareness
to tie the
importance of
genre awareness
together with
marketers and
consumers.

I reorganized
my paper so
that my
analysis on
genre and my
quotes from the
in class
readings would
be spread
throughout my
paper, tying it
all together.

WP1: Words
like legendary
and epic are
colloquial words
that are used
primarily by
millenials that
have to do with
something
exciting and
noteworthy.
[...]
Furthermore,
these types of
photos
specifically take

From near the

end of my
essay:
Although
these are
effective uses
of the
quotes/reading
s, it felt a bit
squooshed in
at the end
like you were
fulfilling a part
of the
assignment,
rather than

Added a quote
from McCloud at
the end of the
paragraph
mentioned in
column 1:

At the time of
writing this
paper I hadnt
read McCloud s
essay yet. But
while I was
revising my
essay I realized
that choice of
word fit really
well with what I
was describing.

This has to do
with choice of
word, which is to
clearly and
persuasively
communicat[e]
ideas, voices and
sounds in
seamless
combination with

This adds more

support to my
analysis and

into account
their audience
and try to draw
them in using
the rhetorical
device pathos,
which is
appealing to the
consumers
emotions.

organically
integrating
them into your
argument.

images
(McCloud).
Woodstocks used
colloquial words
and fun photos to
persuade their
audience more
effectively.

ties the
colloquial words
idea in with the
photos.

WP1: Genre
Awareness
paragraph on
page 4.

This
paragraph was
a tough one for
me, Sabrina:
can genre
awareness
help someone
order pizzas
more
effectively?
How, exactly?

Consumers
benefit from
genre awareness
because genre
can help them
order pizzas more
effectively. For
example, if a
consumer eats at
a pizza restaurant
and likes it, by
using their genre
awareness of a
pizza homepage
they can go
online, search for
the restaurant
name, go to the
website, and then
from there they
can look at their
menu/order
online later, click
on the facebook
or twitter links
and follow the
restaurant, or
look for
interesting deals.
They could know
to do this through
genre awareness
and remembering
the conventions
of pizza

This is a clearer
explanation on
how genre
awareness
helps someone
order pizzas
more
effectively.

webpages.

WP2 Thesis
Statement:
I am arguing
that the
scholarly, peerreviewed
research paper
is more efficient
and reliable at
persuading
healthcare
professionals of
the importance
of dendritic cells
in fighting
cancer than the
non-scholarly,
pop culture
article because
of: conventions
that involve
formatting and
jargon, the use
of rhetorical
devices such as
logos (appeal to
logic), pathos
(appeal to
emotion), and
ethos (showing
authors
credibility) to
persuade
different
audiences,
moves that
help with clarity
and variety, and
the distribution
and abundance
of evidence

I like how
much you laid
out here, but I
feel like its
too much and
not specific
enough
almost like too
much breadth
and not
enough depth.
Also, the colon
doesnt work
here. Check
out the UNC
WCenter for
their tips.

I took out
unnecessary
phrases, deleted
the colon, and
used
incorporated
instead of
involve

This cleans up
my thesis
statement,
making it less
wordy, clearer,
and more
professional
sounding.

used.

WP2 Paragraph
3

OK, so this
paragraph is
all about
jargon/technic
al terms. What
basic role does
this have on a
reader and
how readers
evaluate texts?
I feel like that
could/should
be established
from the getgo (ie, at the
beginning of
the
paragraph).

Included topic
sentence:
How articles use
jargon and define
technical terms is
very important for
reader
comprehension
and can improve
the ways readers
can evaluate
texts

This topic
sentence
previews what
Im about to
discuss in my
paragraph. The
rest of that
paragraph is
about jargon
and technical
terms and
explains how
they are
important for
the reader.

WP2: Engber,
however, uses
pathos, or
emotional
appeal, to draw
his audience
in.

Looks to me
like youre not
just looking at
pathos but also
how it
functions as
the
hook/Intro
that (both)
should be
previewed in
the topic
sentence.

Engber,
however, uses
pathos, or
emotional appeal,
to draw his
audience in by
using a hook
and an emotional
introduction.

I expanded on
my topic
sentence so it
included the
important
information that
I was going to
cover. It tells
my reader
exactly what to
expect in the
paragraph.

WP2: In
contrast, the
purpose of nonacademic
articles such as
Engbers is to
entertain and
insight interest

How/is this
achieved by
the author?

In contrast, the
purpose of nonacademic articles
such as Engbers
is to entertain
and insight
interest by
providing stories
or news that

I added by
providing
stories or news
that people
might want to
read about to
the topic
sentence to
better explain

WP2: 2nd
paragraph on
page 5

Im not quite
sure where
your stance is
here. [ . . . ] Ah
ha, gothca. It
was hard to
see this from
the get-go.

people might
want to read
about.

how Engber
entertains and
insights
interest.

I tried to include
my stance on the
topic earlier in
the paragraph so
it would be easier
to see.
Slang phrases,
such as WhackA-Mole, and the
idea that a cancer
cell might look
mean (when
Engber obviously
isnt describing
the cancer cell as
a spiteful person
with a scary face)
are uses of
connotation.
These phrases
are meant to be
amusing, but it
creates a
sporadic tone (by
weaving in and
out of a serious
and humorous
tone) where a
constant tone
would be more
effective at
persuasion

This way,
relatively early
on in my
paragraph and
directly after I
give my first
example (Slang
Phrases), the
reader can tell
how I feel about
Engbers slang
phrases. I didnt
put it in the
topic sentence
because the
whole
paragraph is
about one of
the authors
moves and I
still wanted to
introduce the
idea of multiple
moves. Also,
my stance
wouldnt make
as much sense
without the
example.