Schaffer, 1

Miranda Schaffer
Mrs Rutan
Creative Writing
1 April 2015

Brief Encyclopedia of a (Self Proclaimed) Twitter

GURU

While Ive only had a twitter account for a little over a year, my egocentricity
has allowed for me to dub myself a certified twitter guru. What makes me a
guru of the twittersphere, you ask? I often ask myself the same question. If
you find out, let me know; it would help lend some much needed authenticity
to this whole thing.
All I really know is that I have grown quite quite fond of the microblogging
site, and I have 252 loyal followers waiting for me at my fingertips.
As you go on reading this passage, you may be inclined to think, Wow, this
girl sounds really delusional, unbalanced, and maybe evennutty as a
fruitcake. So just to clear things up right now, let me tell you, WOW THAT
IS SO OFFENSI--I am.

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So lets move on, shall we? Let me spiritually guide you through my favorite
social network, Twitter. And by spiritually guide you I really mean please
read my words on this paper, and dont take anything I say seriously.

Commence Enlightenment in 3...2...1...

Anytime/Anywhere: There is no bad place to issue a tweet! Nephew just
won a tee-ball game? Tweet how proud you are. Walmart only has three lanes
open on Black Friday? Tweet how hella annoyed you are.
Just threw up while simultaneously binge watching
Breaking Bad and chowing down on your third bag of
pizza rolls? Tweet how productive you are.
@: No big deal, just THE BACKBONE OF TWITTER.
See also: Mention, Handle, YOLO
Banner: Do not take your banner choice lightly. There are five major banner
categories, as follows:
No Banner/Stock Banner- Get one, ninny. Show a little effort, and have a little
personality, please.
Self Portrait- We know what your face looks like. We do not need to see it
stacked on top of your profile picture. Choose your best angle and move on.
Friend Group- You are so socially accepted! Congratulations. Im sure you
and your prom group were the hottest single ladies there.
Interests- You strum guitar? Dance ballet? Play basketball? You seem like a
pretty fly guy.

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Current Essence of Your Being- A photo of Mitch McConnells

head photoshopped onto a turtles body? Or maybe your
favorite Ben & Jerrys Ice Cream flavor?
Marry me.
Cyberstalk: Not actual stalking. People make personal information easily
available the the public, so I prefer to think of it as getting to know them
without having to actually get to know them. It is an excellent tool to ensure
you dont accidentally befriend someone who will drive you mad. Its a sort
of social safety net, also something middle-aged men would is limiting social

interaction in the youth, and therefore, is ruining America.

Delete: Ahhh, that little icon shaped like a trashcan. Let us have a moment
of silence for that wonderful feature. Sure, anything you post on the internet
is forever, with technology and screen shots and what not, but this can
decrease the collateral damage. Did you commit a grammar misdemeanor?
Delete. Say something that could be taken as mildly offensive? Delete.
Thought of a better version of your tweet only moments later?

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When in doubt, delete that shit.

See Also: Grammar Nazi

DM: This means Direct Messages. Tweets

you publish to twitter are public to all your
followers, however, if you need a more private
conversation, thats what a DM is for.
Example: I thought she had a good butt and
nice personality, so I slid into her DMs
Bonus Internet Phrase (Explained): Slide into
her DMs- This phrase typically describes an
event where a young male directly messages a
young female in hopes of getting a cell phone number.
Emotional Dump: Unmercifully unloading an emotional issue into the public
eye and expecting sympathy from people you barely know. More common to
Twitters cousin Facebook, but still happens. The confessions of gloom are
typically more vague, but just as attention seeking.
Bonus Life Tip from Girl With No Credibility to Give Life Tips: Convey your
emotional distress directly to real, sentient beings. Youll get a better and
less stock robotic response. They dont even have to be humans. Dogs are
actually perfect for emotional dumping because they cuddle you and dont
tell everyone about it. Keep your personal life, personal, folks.

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Followers: Jesus had twelve, Hitler had millions. Dont get too caught up in
the numbers. GRANDMA TELLS ME QUALITY IS BETTER THAN QUANTITY
OKAY??
Grammar Nazi: They patrol twitter without forgiveness, scanning every
tweet for a mistake. Your, youre, there, their, and theyre are the words that
fall under the most intense scrutiny. Some even go to the extreme lengths to
correct affect, effect, and common malapropisms. Some will be discreet,
sending a screenshot to their grammar loving comrades, poking fun at the
offender. Others are more brazen and will more openly attack your error.
They also scoff at poor punctuation such as comma splices. Heil Spellcheck!
See also: mirsch123, grammar felon
And when the most rigid grammar nazis make a mistake
See also: delete
Grammar Felon: A repeat grammar offender, within one week, at least
three tweets will contain one or more grammar misdemeanors, adding up to
a grammar felon. They are prime targets of Grammar Nazis.
Side Note: Grammar misdemeanors may be excused if they are used...
a) in an ironic or satirical fashion
b) you dont have enough characters left for the entire word
Examples: youre may become ur, and periods/commas may be omitted if
you simply do not have enough characters to fully express your stroke of
genius
See Also: Grammar Nazi, Irony, One Hundred Forty Characters

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Hashtag: A way to organize posts based on a common topic or theme. More

recently only used for ironic or sarcastic purposes.
Example: My advice for incoming freshman is to not listen to anyones
advice, not even this advice. #Inspirational
See Also: Irony
Handle: Your official name in twitterverse; its unique like your fingerprint. It
is how you are found, contacted, and perceived by twitter patrons worldwide.
No pressure.
See Also: Mention, DM
Irony: Irony and wit are necessary ingredients for a quality twitter account,
however, they must be used in moderation. Many things considered
annoying on twitter may be done if in an ironic or satirical presentation.
Judges: The very pleasant people that have, through harsh words and
destruction, crowned themselves the moral Kings and Queens of the
Internet. They are the usual authors of the later word Xposed, and take it
upon themselves to Tweet peoples morally ambiguous decisions without
actually mentioning any party involved. Meddling and taking joy in others
issues are both characteristics of Judges.
*Disclaimer* These tweets are unnecessary,
rude, and ruthless. However, I am here to
educate. Proceed with caution.

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Example: You dress like a sloot and gained a lot of weight. Do you need a
#Diet or a #PregnancyTest?
This is basically the real life version of a Burn Book from Mean Girls.

See Also: Subtweet, Xposed

K: Common variations of this include K. Kay and Kayyyy. They are very
similar in structure, however differ slightly in meaning. All are published solo,
just a single post into a usually undisclosed issue.
Meaning of K: Alright, wench, you may have won the battle, but you have
not won the war! I WILL STEAL BACK MY BOYFRIEND BACK NO MATTER THE
COST, I WILL WATCH THE WORLD BURN IF I HAVE TO. Usually a
cocky/arrogant tone, user is dangerous, approach with caution.
Meaning of K. : A small, but very meaningful difference. The user has
moved from the initial anger of K and is now plotting stone cold revenge. If
you have recently angered the user, you may want to consider the following
options:
Option A: Apologize
Option B: Convincingly fake your own death
Meaning of Kayyyy: Whew, you dodged a bullet here. This is much less
dangerous than the preceding variations of the simple letter. Kayyyy means
the personality is probably very annoyed with someone. Most commonly, it is
a young person, full of angst, rolling their eyes and sneaking a tweet while
an unapproving parent lectures them about a recent event.

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Disclaimer: These do not apply if the statement is accompanied by an Emoji.

However, the emoji chose should give you an indication of how the user is
feeling.
See Also: Emoji, Subtweet
Links: Links provide endless opportunities. Share news about your favorite
sports team, a link to a hilarious youtube video, or to an online petition that
is petitioning online petitions. Connecting even the strangest parts of the
internet to your friends isnt only possible, its recommended.
See Also: Followers
Mention: A most valuable tool, it is perfect for socially acknowledging
something that someone did for you. Did you friend get you an awesome
birthday gift? An appropriate mention for that situation would be:
Shout out to @(insert handle) for knowing exactly what to get me!
(Insert Picture of Sharknado 1 and 2 wrapped in paper towel)
A mention is is also useful for responding to anothers post. It notifies them
that someone has responded, and also lets everyone else see how witty you
can be. The best responses get more favorites than the original post.
Example of Great Twitter Response:
Original Post: What it this whole dating thing? Does it involve physics?
Response: @(insert handle) No man, Im pretty sure thats chemistry.
*cue response getting more favorites than
original post*
See Also: Handle, Notification, Favorites

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mirsch123: twitter handle of the fickle author of this somewhat pretentious

document
(feel free to follow me)

Guru

See Also: Handle, @

Notification: The magical little sound the phone makes when someones
interacts with your twitter. A little number will appear by the app, letting you
know how many different interactions you have.
"I have 3 notifications.... yeah, you could say I'm popular."
One Hundred Forty: When you write prose, choose every word like you
have to pay fifty cents for it. When you write poetry, choose every word like
you have to pay a dollar for it. When you compose a tweet, CHOOSE EVERY
CHARACTER LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. You don't get one hundred and
forty words, you get one hundred and forty characters. That's it. Every space,
comma, and letter counts.
See Also: Grammar Felon
Pun-ku: Part of the Twitter counterculture. It is a punny twist to the typical
Haiku
Example: Toilet stolen from Police station. The cops have nothing to go on.
Profile Picture: The way you present yourself to the Internet. Do not
underestimate the power of the profile picture. The profile picture, combined

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with the banner sets the tone of your account and creates an aesthetic.
Choose wisely.
See Also: Banner
Private Accounts: The people who don't want their boss to see how much
they complain about their job to the masses. Also people who
are afraid of the craigslist killer. These accounts can be
aggravating because you are not allowed to retweet anything
they post.
See Also: Retweet
Quotes: There is a variety of quotes that appear on Twitter from time to
time.
Inspirational- Confucious say those who post inspirational quotes on Twitter
most likely need to take own advice.
Famous Quotes- Either you professionally hop bandwagons, or it's just a
fricken fracken good quote.
"I didn't say that, but do you like it?" Quote- You thought of something funny
or inspiring but are unsure if others will like it, so you put it in quotes so you
don't have to take credit for it if the general public thinks it's stupid.
Retweet: Did you like something someone said? Do you want it to appear
on your feed? 'Nuff said.
Retweet that shit. End of story.
Subtweet: A critique on another user without directly mentioning that user.
It is meant to be seen and identified by parties involved while keeping

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uninvolved parties very confused, but aware the

drama is taking place. It also can be a hint directed
toward one specific follower; they are usually highly
ineffective.
See Also: Judges, K, Follower
Selfie: A self portrait where the
person taking the photo is also the
subject of the photo, often used to
convey how mysterious or good
looking a user is to followers. If a
normal picture says 1000 words, a
selfie says about 5, "Give me
attention! I'm pretty."
These photos are not appropriate for Twitter unless used ironically. Save your
self taken modeling pictures for Instagram. Please. I am prepared to report
your selfie for inappropriate content at any time.
See Also: Irony, Followers
Trending: Large world or pop culture events often result in this. Sometimes
trending things are important and show widespread support for testy topics,
such as, #BlackLivesMatter. Other times, topics that are trending are a part
of relatively insignificant pop culture, such as, "Zayn left One-Direction!"
Oh no. How did I live without being aware of this information Twitter has so
graciously provided me about boy bands?

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See Also: Hashtag

Unfollow: THE MOST DREADED WORD IN THE SOCIAL MEDIA WORLD. Watch
out, if someone does unfollows you, you must be either hated, or very, very
annoying. This magic button eradicates a person's thoughts, feelings, and
beliefs from your timeline. It's basically the middle finger of the Internet.
"Unfollow" can be used almost
interchangeably with "F#% You" in the
English language.
"Wow this guy is horrible and annoying"
*promptly hits unfollow*
"I can't believe she supports this side of a
controversial topic" *promptly hits unfollow*
Username: Another vital piece to your Twitter personality. This is not the
same as your handle. It is also not necessarily unique to you. However, it can
be almost anything you would like; use this immense freedom. It can also be
changed often, so try out different ways to let people know it's you and see
what works.
For example, if your name is Jessica, your username could be (drumroll
please) Jessica. If your name is Jessica and you are known to your friends as
a compulsive dental flosser, your username could be J-Flossy. It's all up to
you.

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Verification

: The little blue checkmark that lets the twitter sphere

know that this is the real deal account of someone famous.

A Common Verification Misinformation Story:
"OMG!!! Kim Kardashian favorited the tweet I posted about her glorious
gluteus!"
"Ummm is that a verified account?"
"Darn."
Websites: These are often linked to account profiles. Are you the next
Picasso? Link your followers to your Etsy website. Are you an angst filled
young adult who sulks around in the counterculture cave of the Internet? Link
your followers to your Tumblr website.
See Also: Followers, Links
"X" Posed: A variation of a subtweet, usually posted by a judge. The tweet
ends by saying "but that's none of my business" and is accompanied by a
photo of Kermit the Frog drinking an iced tea. The origin of this subtweet fad
is unknown.
See Also: Subtweet, Judges
YOLO: This is an acronym for the phrase "You Only Live Once." Currently it is
most often used in an ironic sense. However, around 2010, it was part of a
generational identity, and often exclaimed by young men about to
participate in risky behavior. After a few years, these hooligans found out
that "You Only Die Once" too. The use of this phrase has become gradually
more and more ironic since that time.

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See Also: Irony

zzzZzzz: The noise a Twitter user make after he or she exits the app for the
final time. Twitter is almost always checked before one can sleep. After all,
there's a whole lot to miss.