Jalan Davis

Writing 2

5 June 2015

Revision Matrix

Text from my
initial WP
submission:

One of the most

important
management
dilemmas for
owners and
general
managers of
sports teams is
whether to make
a midseason
coaching change
when the team is
faltering
(Martinez 108).

he introduces
the three key
points the Kings
are improving in,
better ball
movement and
spacing, better
pacing and
aggressive
offense, and

An observation
or question I
received from
De Piero or a
classmate:
Id advise you to
refrain from
using freefloating quotes
The reader is
probably going to
be left
wondering, Who
is saying/citing
this, and
how/why is it
relevant?
Wheres it
coming from?
Try to introduce
the quote and
give it context.

OK, this sounds

like it could be
important, but I
dont know
how/why it is
yet
What are you
hoping to
accomplish by
including this?

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote:

How this
change impacts
my paper:

After completing
his research, he
finds that the
earlier in the
season the
changes made
the more likely
improvements in
performance will
result. This
finding is
certainly due to
the fact that a
new coach is
likely to bring a
new system and
new personality
and it will take
time for the
players to adjust
to both
(Martinez 112).
This article also
allows the
readers to
understand the
key statistics in
which the Kings
are improving in,
such as better
ball movement
and spacing,

I previously had
free-floating
quotes which did
cause a bit of
confusion. Now
that I introduce
the quotes and
give some
context on them,
I can allow the
reader to
understand who
is saying this
quote and how it
relates to my
overall argument.

I expanded this
sentence into two
sentences and
included a quote
by Sim Risso.
Using the Kings
as a real-life
example, I let the
readers
understand how

Jalan Davis

Writing 2

better defense.
Risso introduced
these three ways
as a way to let
the Kings fans
know where the
teams
weaknesses were
before his arrival.

he states that
reasonable and
scientific
schedule should
not only reflect
fairness of
competition but
also increase the
superb degrees
of competition.

This is pretty
specific is the
whole paragraph
about
reflect[ing]
fairness of
competition and
superb degrees
of competition?

better pacing in a
more aggressive
offense, and
better defense.
Understanding
these three
things are vital
because this was
a way for Kings
fans to see what
their main
weaknesses were
when they fired
their first two
head coaches
and brought in
George Karl,
considering the
Kings made the
coaching change
midseason
multiple coaching
changes, actually
it's remarkable
they've been able
to change their
style of play as
much as they
have (Risso).
he uses a
mathematical
approach to allow
readers to
understand his
conclusion. He
begins his
research with his
conclusion that
the
competitiveness

5 June 2015
the changes a
team goes
through in the
middle of the
season helps
them improve.
This is central to
my argument.

I went from a
sentence that is
specific, to a
sentence that
introduces his
discipline and his
approach. I also
summarize his
article and how
he begins his
research with a

Jalan Davis

Writing 2

His analysis
throughout the
entire article was
very effective; it
gave the reader a
reason to think
about why a
team would go
through a
midseason
change in order
to be successful
in the near
future.

OK, so what Im
wondering is:
what were you
trying to
accomplish with
this paragraph as
it relates to your
larger argument?

there are some

similarities and
differences
between all three
of the articles.

OK but why is
this important?

of an NBA teams
season schedule
can have an
effect on their
success and
includes some
significant
methods,
analysis, and
mathematical
formulas to help
support his
conclusion.
His analysis
throughout the
entire article was
very effective as
it gives the
reader a reason
to think about
why his
hypothesis is
elaborate. Even
though it is not
attractive than
Sim Rissos
article, Jose
Martinezs
argument is
accurate and
better to
understand than
Dawei Shis
article.
Each author in
their article gave
their insight by
showing the data
based on their
hypothesis. All of

5 June 2015
conclusion
instead of a
question. This
would allow my
paragraph to be
about what he
thinks alters a
teams success in
the middle of the
season instead of
what I previously
wrote.
I changed this
sentence to make
it sound like it
relates to my
overall argument.
I also added how
this article is
elaborate and
cohesive but not
as much as Sim
Rissos piece,
which makes my
argument
arguable.

Saying that there

were similarities
and differences in
each article was
pretty basic and
vague. This time I

Jalan Davis

Writing 2
these sources
develop
research
questions or
hypotheses and
collect data on
events, objects,
or people that is
measurable,
observable, and
replicable
(Driscoll 154).

5 June 2015
added how each
article was the
same and
different. This
made this part
more important
to my paper.