LET THEM EAT CHEERS

Written by

Rachael Brown

Based on, "Modern Family"

January 25, 2010

P.O. Box 770474

New Orleans, LA 70117

504.231.8035
FADE IN

ACT ONE

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

JAY is in the kitchen, about to feast on a giant sandwich -

one so packed with meats and cheeses and toppings that he
can’t even get his whole mouth around it if he tried. Just
before he can take his first bite, GLORIA and MANNY walk into
the house.

GLORIA DELGADO-PRITCHETT
Jay! Honey? Are you home? Manny has
some very exciting news!

JAY sighs at his sudden interruption, looking at his sandwich

apologetically as GLORIA and MANNY enter the kitchen.

JAY PRITCHETT
If it’s about that Heidi girl’s new
face, I’ve already heard about it
from every news source there is,
including Cameron and Claire.

GLORIA is cheerful when dismissing this notion, squeezing

MANNY’s shoulder affectionately.

GLORIA
No, silly! Tell him, Manny.

MANNY DELGADO
I got the lead part in our school’s
production of Marie Antoinette!
JAY stares at his sandwich again, slightly disturbed and
groaning.

JAY
Gloria, I know you want your son to
embrace all walks of life but do
you really think putting him in a
dress and wig is a good way to do
that?

GLORIA
Jay! He is not playing Marie!
Besides, the corsé would be much
too tight and uncomfortable for
him.
 2.

JAY is somewhat relieved, reverting back to his sandwich as

he begins to place his mouth around it, stopping midway as
MANNY reveals his part.

MANNY
I’m going to be King Louis XVI!
Known for his weak leadership and
impotence issues. I was originally
Hunter Graham’s understudy, but God
has answered my prayers and given
him food poisoning and double
pneumonia.

Despite the poor circumstance, GLORIA is giddy with

excitement and endlessly proud of her son. JAY sets his
sandwich down and looks back at MANNY.

JAY
You got any kissing scenes?

MANNY
Just a small one during the
marriage ceremony, but mostly King
Louis lacks interest in anything
sexual with women and drives Marie
into a shopping frenzy because of
it.

JAY looks toward GLORIA, who shrugs empathetically.

GLORIA
Can you blame her?

JAY turns to MANNY, holding his sandwich once again.

JAY
So who’s the lucky lady that gets
to be your Marie?

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - AFTERNOON (CONT’D)

CLOSEUP of ALEX DUNPHY as she scrunches her face in the

mirror, trying to balance a tall Marie Antoinette wig on her
head.

HALEY DUNPHY
I can’t believe you got the part of
Marie. You don’t even have a chest!

CLAIRE DUNPHY
Haley, don’t comment on your
sister’s chest.
 3.

HALEY is watching with her arms folded while CLAIRE pins and
adjusts the wig and costume.

Suddenly, CAMERON and MITCHELL storm into the room in a

panicked rush. MITCHELL is carrying fabrics and supplies
while CAMERON holds LILY.

MITCHELL PRITCHETT
Sorry we’re late, we stopped at
Joanne’s and you can really get
lost in there for hours if you’re
not careful.

CAMERON TUCKER
(cheerfully)
Or if your boyfriend spends forty
minutes deciding on which lace
pattern is the proper style for the
wardrobe of an elementary school
play.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM COUCH - DAY

MITCHELL and CAMERON sit side by side, facing the camera as

they speak.

MITCHELL
So I enjoy the elements and details
of theatre production. One trip to
Joanne’s and he’s suddenly the
emasculated father figure who
can’t wait to get out of the
fabrics aisle so he can get back to
the shooting range.

CAMERON
You didn’t seem to enjoy the
elements of theatre when I had a
lead role in Fiddler on the Roof.

MITCHELL
You played the roof!

CAMERON looks down, wounded and insulted. MITCHELL sighs

remorsefully.

CUT TO:
CLAIRE continues to pin and adjust ALEX’s costume, curious as
she plucks about the oversized wig.
 4.

CLAIRE
Isn’t Marie Antoinette kind of a
mature topic for the 7th grade?

ALEX
Isn’t the fate of an entire country
kind of a mature weight to put on
the hands of a fourteen year old
girl completely foreign to its
territory?

CLAIRE turns to look at CAMERON and MITCHELL who are both

just as put off guard as she is. HALEY is reading a magazine,
completely disinterested.

CUT TO:

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

CLAIRE speaks to the camera without anyone near, almost

whispering in a fearful tone.

CLAIRE
The thing about Alex is - I can’t
be certain that she’s actually my
daughter. I mean, of course I see
her as my daughter but I mean, look
at her father. She definitely
didn’t get the brains from him and
as much as I’d like to say she has
inherited it all from me, she’s the
most hyper-articulate thirteen year
old I’ve ever met. I don’t remember
having any opinions that were as
involved and intricate as her own
unless it had to do with boys or
catty gossip against girls I didn’t
like. I mean, Haley? I get it,
she’s mine. Luke? Definitely his
father’s son. Alex? Pretty sure
right now there’s a biologically
certified Dunphy kid in some
household full of scholars that
only knows of Marie Antoinette
because of those Girls Next Door
costume party episodes.

CUT TO:
 5.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - AFTERNOON (CONT’D)

LUKE walks in wearing something similar to a potato sack,

irritated and uncomfortable.

LUKE
I don’t want to be a beggar. This
is supposed to be Manny’s costume,
I can’t even move in it.

MITCHELL
Oh that’s okay Luke, just a few
minor adjustments and we’ll have
you looking like a the most dapper
beggar in all of Versailles.

CAMERON
Really, Mitch? The most dapper
beggar?

The doorbell rings and shortly after GLORIA, JAY, and MANNY
enter the house.

GLORIA
(to Mitch & Claire)
Thank you so much for helping Manny
with his costume on such short
notice!

CAMERON
Gloria, believe me when I say Mitch
should be thanking you. I haven’t
seen him this motivated since
season one of Project Runway when
he tried to mimic the deadlines
with his own designs at home.

MITCHELL groans and attempts to ignore the slight

embarrassment.

MITCHELL
It was simply a self-assigned test
of my own abilities and if I
remember correctly, you were my
biggest cheerleader.

JAY
Biggest does sound like the
appropriate term.

GLORIA angrily slaps JAY in the gut.

 6.

GLORIA
You’re one to talk, Mr. 5 Feet Long
Sandwich.

JAY
I think you mean 5 dollar foot
long.

Without missing a beat, GLORIA sizes up JAY with her eyes and
shakes her head.

GLORIA
No. I don’t.

Cut TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM COUCH - DAY

JAY sits disgruntled while speaking to the camera.

JAY
So I may have packed on a few
pounds since the holidays. What
honest American man hasn’t?

CUT TO:

INT. JAY’S ROOM - DAY

JAY stands in front of a mirror, unable to fit properly into

any of his clothes.

CUT TO:

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - AFTERNOON (CONT’D)

GLORIA
And what do you plan to wear to the
children’s play?

JAY
Easy, my beige sweater and black
dress pants.

CLAIRE and MITCHELL look at each other wide-eyed, trying not

to laugh.

JAY (CONT’D)
Something funny, peanut gallery?
 7.

MITCHELL
Dad, it’s just - you wore that to
my graduation.

CLAIRE
And mine.

GLORIA
And it probably didn’t fit you then
either.

MITCHELL
(under his breath)
It didn’t.

GLORIA
And it definitely doesn’t now.

JAY
Oh come on, it’ll be fine. And even
if it is a little tight at the
zipper, I’m sure Handmaid Barbie
can let it out at the waist and do
a little adjusting.

MITCHELL
Dad, no amount of fairy in me can
wave a wand and produce something
that magical.

JAY
So what am I supposed to do? Go in
my Sunday tracksuit? Actually, that
might not be such a bad idea.
GLORIA
No! You just need to go shopping
for something more presentable.

JAY
Now that I will not do. Last time I
went shopping for clothes was 1984
and I’m not about to break my
record now.

CAMERON
I can take you shopping, Jay!
There’s plenty of fabulous suits
and dress wear in your size at the
place I go to downtown.

GLORIA
Cameron! That’s a great idea!
 8.

MITCHELL
Yeah and if you go now I’ll
probably have time to tailor it
before we have to leave.

JAY is not at all enthused by this idea and groans in

contempt.

GLORIA
That’s perfect! Jay you go with
Cameron while I help Mitch fit
Manny for his costume.

CLAIRE
I’ll take Alex and Luke to the
school now so you guys can have
space to finish getting ready. Luke
needs to practice his line anyway
and it’s going to take a lot of
concentration, so.

CLAIRE almost looks faithless in LUKE’s abilities to

memorize. LUKE is in the corner wrangling around inside of
his potato sack costume as though it were a straight jacket.

MANNY
Shouldn’t Alex and I stay together
so we can practice our scenes? We
haven’t even kissed yet.

ALEX
Gross. This is going to be like
when Ann Boleyn gets accused of
incest and gets her head cut off,
except my demise will happen in
front of the entire school.

CLAIRE
Wait a minute, there’s kissing?
Between you two?

GLORIA
Just relax, there is nothing to be
worried about. It is just a
harmless peck and no one is going
to behead either of you for it.

MANNY appears far more enthused than he should while ALEX

maintains a look of discomfort.
 9.

CAMERON
If Mitch is going to be stitching
his attention span away and
Gloria’s taking Manny later, who is
going to watch Lily?

Everyone looks around for a moment, all eyes falling on

HALEY. She looks up from her magazine, somewhat horrified.

HALEY
No way, I have a study date with
Dylan.

ALEX
Since when do you study?

CLAIRE
And with Dylan. He isn’t even in
your grade.

HALEY
Why can’t Dad do it?

JAY
Yeah, where is Mother Goose anyway?

CLAIRE’s face drops as she comes to a sudden realization.

CLAIRE
Oh god.

MITCHELL
What? What is it?

Everyone waits for CLAIRE’s revelation as she can barely

stomach having to say it out loud.

CLAIRE
Phil’s...cheerleading buddies from
college are in town.

The room breaks out into uncomfortable groans as MITCHELL’s

face lights up in disbelief.

MITCHELL
You’re kidding. Scotty and Trevor?

The door bursts open and three grown men - PHIL, SCOTTY &
TREVOR come wielding in with a loud, emphatic march. Each of
them are cheering in unison, happier than clowns at a circus
college. CLAIRE, along with JAY and the rest of the gang, are
more or less horrified.
 10.

ACT TWO

INT. MEN’S CLOTHING STORE - DAY

CAMERON and JAY browse through various attire, trying to find

something suitable for the play.

CAMERON
So how hilar is it that Phil was
the cheerleader and yours truly was
the football player in college? Oh,
look at this great shade of olive.

JAY looks at the selection without bothering to touch any of

it, unimpressed as he listens miserably to his son-in-law
speak.

JAY
I should have known Claire’s
decision making would be severely
hindered once she broke up with
marijuana.

CAMERON holds up a mustard yellow jacket high into the air,

observing it in the light as he continues.

CAMERON
Oh come on, Jay. Phil is a great
guy. He’s raised three beautiful
children, puts food on the table
and makes an excellent effort to
bond emotionally with his son.

CAMERON decides against the jacket and places it back onto

the rack as JAY looks at him suspiciously.

JAY
So what are you saying, I failed at
bonding with Mitch?

Looking up, CAMERON shakes his head dismissively as JAY has

misinterpreted his words completely.

CAMERON
No, of course not!

JAY
I mean, what was I supposed to do?
I tried to get him into sports,
bought him all the gear, even let
him hold my first football. We just
had nothing in common.
(MORE)
 11.
JAY (CONT'D)
All he wanted to do was watch Julie
Andrews movies and write fan
letters to the Facts of Life cast
members. He called Charlotte Rae’s
performance an immaculate display
of maternal instinct. He was ten!

CAMERON smiles as he shoves a few selections against JAY’s

chest, guiding him to the fitting room and standing outside
of it.

CAMERON
Now Jay, I’m sure the road has had
its bumps along the way but look at
you now! You’re out shopping with
your son’s boyfriend and making a
sincere effort to be apart of your
family’s lives. Even if that means
still trying to come to terms with
your daughter’s cheerleader husband
sixteen years into their marriage.

From behind the door, JAY can be heard slamming around a bit
as he speaks from inside the fitting room.

JAY
I suppose you’re right, I am a bit
of a hero for the amount of work
and support I put into this family.
I mean, where would Mitch be today
if I hadn’t bought him that Susie
Homemaker sewing kit against my own
advisement?

CAMERON
Exactly, none of the kids would
look nearly as astounding if they
had to settle for store bought
costumes that anyone else could
get.

JAY comes out wearing a suit that actually fits him, his
brows furrowed in confusion.

JAY
Wait a sec, you mean to tell me we
could have just bought these
costumes at a regular Halloween
shop?

CAMERON’s arms flail into the air, an excited gasp sounding

through the room as he reacts to JAY’s appearance. JAY is
pleased by the approval.
 12.

JAY (CONT’D)
You really think so?

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - AFTERNOON (CONT’D)

HALEY opens the front door to greet DYLAN. The DUNPHY HOUSE
is filled with chaos. The living room is littered in fabrics
while MANNY stands on a table with MITCH measuring around
him. GLORIA is going over lines with him. DYLAN looks over to
their direction as HALEY struggles to keep her composure,
clearly embarrassed by her family.

HALEY
That’s not even the half of it.

DYLAN follows HALEY through the KITCHEN where PHIL, TREVOR &
SCOTTY are reminiscing and going over old cheers.

PHIL
Dylan! Haley! We were just going
over our old routine, you guys
wanna spot us?

HALEY is mortified, dragging DYLAN away from any further

tragedy.

HALEY
Sorry Dad, gotta study.

PHIL is unfazed, returning to his clapfest with SCOTTY &

TREVOR.

Back in the LIVING ROOM, MITCH is fixing the hem of MANNY’s

costume while GLORIA stands beside him with the script in
hand. She peers over to see PHIL and his cheerleading posse
shout together with calculated arm movements in a
choreographed routine.

GLORIA
I think it’s great that Phil has
his friends visiting. He looks very
happy.

MITCHELL
Very happy.

GLORIA
Definitely in his element.

MITCHELL
Definitely in his element.
 13.

MANNY
Mom? When can I try out for
cheerleading?

MITCHELL looks up at GLORIA with an immediate smile. GLORIA

hesitates and tries to laugh it off.

GLORIA
When you’re in college, so just
worry about being King for now and
practice your lines.

PHIL and his CHEERLEADERS storm through the hallway and to

the front door.

PHIL
Gloria, Mitch! We’re going to park
for a couple of hours so we can
really let loose. We’ll meet you
guys at the school!

As they jump together out the front door, GLORIA and MITCH
look at each other with slight worry. MANNY watches them
leave with stars in his eyes.

INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER

CLAIRE continues preparing ALEX with great concentration.

ALEX remains still and focused, taking off her glasses
completely and confident in her abilities to perfrom. LUKE is
in the background practicing his line.

LUKE
I’m hungry! Wait, no. We’re hungry!
Wait. But we are hungry! But! We
are hungry! Or is it starving?

CLAIRE tries to ignore this, but is clearly perturbed.

ALEX
I still can’t believe I’m not going
to get to kiss Hunter Graham after
all this.

CLAIRE
So is that why you wanted this so
badly? Because you know honey, we
can pull out right now if you want,
I’m sure there’s plenty of girls
willing to be your understudy.
 14.

ALEX
No way. I wanted this because I
believe Marie Antoinette is a
victim, not a criminal. Did you
know she never actually said “let
them eat cake”?

CLAIRE shows a look of shock and slight confusion.

CLAIRE
She didn’t?

ALEX
It just goes to show you how long
the media has contributed to
society’s hatred toward women.

LUKE
(game show host voice)
WE! ARE! STARVING!!

CLAIRE shifts in irritation, continuing to fidget with the

back of ALEX’s dress.

ALEX
I mean, how can you place so much
fault on someone that no one
bothered to educate before handing
them over an entire country? France
starving? That’s the royal court’s
fault. America starving? That’s
George Bush’s fault.

CLAIRE
Alex, I think you’re reading way
too many conspiracy theories on the
internet.

ALEX is instantly insulted and puts her glasses back on,

moving away from her mother.

ALEX
You’re right, I’m just going to be
more like Haley and stop reading
altogether. It’s not like anyone in
this family would notice or care
anyway.

CLAIRE
Alex! Wait!

But it’s too late and ALEX has stormed off, though the
heaviness of her wig has caused her some delay.
 15.

LUKE
(rapping)
We’re h-u-n-g-r-y, girl. And we
want meat and potatoes, word.

CLAIRE sighs, dropping her hands in surrender.

END OF ACT TWO

 16.

ACT THREE

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - HALEY’S ROOM - EARLY EVENING

HALEY and DYLAN are making out in her bedroom when LILY
begins to cry. Both stop and look over toward the baby cradle
with an eerie turn as though there is a sudden horror film
happening.

DYLAN
What do we do?

HALEY
I have no idea.

DYLAN
Didn’t you have to do this when
your siblings were little?

HALEY
My mom stopped letting me near
babies after I tried to stuff Alex
into a box and mail her to China.

LILY’s crying continues, getting louder as HALEY

instinctively covers her ears and watches in annoyance.

DYLAN
Well you can’t just leave her
there!

HALEY
Pick her up!
DYLAN
I’ve never really been around
babies, what if she breaks apart
the second I touch her?

HALEY groans and walks toward LILY, picking her up and

holding her in the air, letting her feet dangle as she
continues to cry.

HALEY
She’s a baby, not a computer. Look.

Handing her off to DYLAN, he is startled at first but is

surprisingly warm and gentle with LILY when he holds her with
great care. She stops crying.

HALEY (CONT’D)
Look at that. Your maternal
instincts are better than Claire’s.
 17.

DYLAN
(smiling)
Thanks! Which one’s Claire again?

HALEY
My mom.

INT. BACKSTAGE - EARLY EVENING

GLORIA, MANNY and MITCHELL rush hurriedly to the makeshift

dressing rooms to find CLAIRE attempting to fix LUKE’s
costume.

GLORIA
We got here as fast as we could!
Where’s Alex?

MANNY
Yes, where is my blushing bride?

CLAIRE
She won’t come out of that door.

Pointing to a closed door at the end of the room, GLORIA and

MITCHELL look confused.

MITCHELL
Ah, pre-show jitters?

CLAIRE looks away, almost scared to admit the true issue.

CLAIRE
Not...exactly.
MANNY
She is nervous about our intimate
scenes?

CLAIRE
What? How many...intimate scenes do
you have? No, no that isn’t even
it.

GLORIA
She got an unexpected period?

MITCHELL and MANNY both turn around and walk over to LUKE.

CLAIRE
No, nothing like that. She just...
well I sort of-
 18.

GLORIA
Yes? Spit it out!

CLAIRE sighs and looks around before leaning in to talk more

directly with GLORIA.

CLAIRE
Well, I may have accidentally
belittled her intelligence.

GLORIA
Claire!

CLAIRE
I know! But you know the way she
talks, she just gets so wrapped up
in these topics and half the time
it goes right over my head. I was
just trying to lighten the mood,
you know? Keep her from getting too
worked up before the show starts.
Now she’s been in there for forty-
five minutes and won’t even talk to
me through the door to tell me
she’s still alive and breathing.

GLORIA is understanding as she takes CLAIRE’s hand and speaks

gently to her.

GLORIA
Claire, you cannot let your child’s
abilities threaten your own. Alex
is a very unique girl who just
needs a little room to shine. She
looks to you for approval and
support. She is not trying to
challenge you, she just wants to
impress you.

CLAIRE nods in agreement, embarrassed by her actions and

clearly upset by this whole incident.

CLAIRE
I know, I know. She’s wanted a
moment like this for so long, you
know? She never asks to be the
center of attention and she’s the
least of my worries compared to
everyone in the house.

GLORIA
That’s just it, Claire. You have to
stop comparing her.
 19.

CLAIRE
You’re right. Do you think you
could get her to talk to you? And
then maybe get her to talk to me?

GLORIA smiles warmly and is happy to contribute to the

solution.

GLORIA
It would be my honor.

INT. MEN’S CLOTHING STORE - CONTINUOUS

JAY and CAMERON laugh together at the counter as they check

out.

JAY
You know, I never thought I’d look
so fetching in your basic neutrals.
I was convinced this would end in
an argument about neon pink
spandex.

CAMERON
(happily)
Just your average palette with a
sophisticated detail will always
work in your favor. We’ll take
bolder colors in splashes here and
there, like a pastel argyle under a
deep plum jacket and I’m telling
you Jay, it will shave 25 years off
of you in a snap.
CAMERON snaps for emphasis. A man behind them looks annoyed.

ANNOYED MAN
Can you two lovebirds get to the
card swiping, I’d like to see my
grandkid’s baseball game before I
croak if you don’t mind.

JAY and CAMERON exchange a look and JAY turns around in even
further irritability.

JAY
Listen buddy-

CAMERON
Jay, it’s okay.
 20.

JAY
No, it’s not. If my partner and I
bother you so much, why don’t you
find a clothing store that services
strictly to ignorant dillweeds?

The ANNOYED MAN is clearly offended and places his items on

the counter anyway.

ANNOYED MAN
This dillweed doesn’t need some
queer telling him where to shop!

JAY
And this queer doesn’t need some
dinosaur telling him how fast to
move.

CAMERON
All third person arguing aside,
please sir, we’d hate for you to
miss your grandson’s ball game. Why
don’t you go ahead of us?

ANNOYED MAN
Thanks, but it’s my granddaughter.
She’s not a lesbian yet, but if she
becomes one I am going to be the
proudest grandfather of a lesbian
on this side of the hemisphere.

JAY
(smiling)
I feel the same way about my own
granddaughter, Alex.
CAMERON is overwhelmed and touched, his hand placing
dramatically onto JAY’s.

CAMERON
Jay! That’s the sweetest thing I’ve
ever heard you say!

ANNOYED MAN pokes his head in, curiously.

ANNOYED MAN
Really? That’s the sweetest thing
he’s ever said, Nancy?
 21.

EXT. PARK - AFTERNOON

PHIL, TREVOR & SCOTTY practice their pyramid on a grassy

knoll as young girls and various children look over from
afar, occasionally walking by in disgust, their eyes rolling
and faces scrunching. After a sudden shift in movement, PHIL
lets go of TREVOR and walks off to the side in dismay.

PHIL
You guys, this just doesn’t feel
the same without Lane. I’m sorry.

TREVOR is still on the ground, recooperating from his sudden

fall as SCOTTY guiltlessly walks up toward PHIL to comfort
him.

SCOTTY
He will forever be our fourth Muska-
cheer.

TREVOR eventually gets up and joins the two, chiming in.

TREVOR
Yeah, remember when he used to just
run down the campus halls in
perfectly structured cheer? Just to
liven up the day? That guy had
spirit.

SCOTTY
Or during those awful auditorium
classes that no one could stay
awake through on a Monday morning?
Lane would soar through the aisles
with such passion, such charisma,
just to get people pumped about
what the professor had to say.

PHIL
He was a pioneer. No one could even
get the guts to speak to him after
that, he was so intimidatingly
bold.

TREVOR and SCOTTY hang their heads low in agreement.

PHIL (CONT’D)
I sure do miss that cheer-stud.
Guys, let’s do something to carry
on Lane’s legacy. We’re not as ripe
as we used to be, but we can still
put smiles on people’s faces. What
do you say?
 22.

TREVOR and SCOTTY look at each other and then at PHIL,

nodding affirmatively before they all put their hands in a
pile and shout in unison: WILD CATS!

INT. ALEX’S DRESSING ROOM HIDEAWAY - CONTINUOUS

A knock at the door starts as ALEX looks at herself in the

mirror, no longer wearing her wig. She is irritated by the
knock and reacts instantly.

ALEX
Go away.

GLORIA
(from behind the door)
Alex? It’s me, Gloria.

ALEX turns to open the door and allows her in, shutting it
immediately once she is in.

GLORIA (CONT’D)
Awww, look how beautiful you look
in that dress! Where is your big
fancy wig?

ALEX
What’s the point? I’m not cut out
to play someone like Marie.

GLORIA
What? Why do you say that?

ALEX
She’s a gorgeous, fearless,
unapologetic queen. I’m just a
lowly bookworm who happens to know
a lot about her.

GLORIA
Nonsense! I heard many girls tried
out for this role. Do you think you
would have been picked if the
director didn’t love your
performance the best? And what is
this that you are not so gorgeous?
You may not be old enough yet to
have grown the boobies but you’re
already breaking hearts. Just look
at Manny.

ALEX cracks a smile but looks down, still shy and

uncomfortable with herself.
 23.

ALEX
Guys only talk to me if they want
to copy my homework.

GLORIA
And do you let them?

ALEX
No way! But Haley can live her
entire life never having to do
anything and get by just fine. And
Luke, he’s from such a different
planet that everyone is shocked and
beside themselves with glee when he
does anything right.

GLORIA begins to put ALEX’s hair back up, leaning over to

look at her in the mirror with her face at ALEX’s shoulder.

GLORIA
You don’t need to have what Haley
or Luke have. Do you know how badly
your mother wishes she could be as
quick with the brains as you? I am
sure there are plenty of times that
Haley and Luke have wished to trade
places with you.

ALEX
Maybe during their math tests, but
never any time that really counts.

GLORIA
And what time is that?
ALEX turns around to face GLORIA, her face distressed and
woeful.

ALEX
Everyone’s going around school
saying Hunter Graham doesn’t really
have food poisoning or double
pneumonia. He just wanted to get
out of having to kiss a dork like
me.

GLORIA is moved by ALEX’s display of vulnerability, kneeling

down to level with her.

GLORIA
If that is true, then Hunter Graham
is an el pescado de baboso y mala
jugada. [translate properly later]
 24.

ALEX
What’s that mean?

GLORIA
It means he is a slimy fish with
dirty tricks up his sleeve.

ALEX accepts this idea, but is still clearly depressed over

it altogether.

GLORIA (CONT’D)
Look at me. There will be plenty of
boys who will want to kiss you, and
not because you are in a costume
and not because it is written in a
script for them to do it, but
because they like you and what you
have to say. And when you grow the
boobies? They will want to do other
things to you - but don’t let them.
Not unless they buy you nice things
first, capiche?

ALEX smiles and nods, the idea growing on her as she looks
back in the mirror with much more confidence and acceptance
of herself.

ALEX
Will you help me put my wig back
on?

GLORIA displays that warm, proud smile once again and bows
before her majesty from behind, her reflection visible in the
mirror.
GLORIA
It would be my honor.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - UPSTAIRS - CONTINUOUS

HALEY is irritated as DYLAN holds LILY in a trance.

HALEY
Alright Dylan, she’s calmed down,
we can go back to making out now.

DYLAN
She’s so fragile. So helpless. How
does someone so small affect a
heart so deeply? And without even
trying!
 25.

HALEY spills back onto the bed in frustration, completely

unenthused for a baby’s presence.

INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS

GLORIA and ALEX exit the back room, both smiling as ALEX is
in full hair and wardrobe. CLAIRE looks stunned and proud,
her hands covering her mouth as she is almost tearful.

CLAIRE
Alex! Look at you!

GLORIA
Ladies and gentleman, may I present
- your queen!

MANNY, LUKE and MITCHELL clap enthusiastically for her as

ALEX curtseys with a shy smile. As she walks by, CLAIRE stops
her.

ALEX
I have to get ready to go on.

CLAIRE
I know honey, I just wanted to tell
you how sorry I am about earlier
and really how so, so proud of you
I am.

ALEX
I know, Mom.

CLAIRE
You do?
ALEX
Yes, and once I grow the boobies?
Hunter Graham’s going to wish he
really had gotten food poisoning.

As ALEX walks off, CLAIRE looks to GLORIA confused as she

waves a dismissive hand back at her.

GLORIA
I’ll explain all about it at
intermission.

INT. SCHOOL THEATRE - EVENING - CONTINUOUS

Everyone is shuffling to their seats as MITCHELL, CLAIRE and

GLORIA meet up with CAMERON and a newly dressed JAY. HALEY
and DYLAN also appear with LILY.
 26.

GLORIA
Jay! You look so handsome! Cameron,
you are like a fairy godmother!

CAMERON
Bippity boppity booyah!

MITCHELL
Let’s save the performance for the
kids.

As they take their seats, CLAIRE looks around and leans over
to turn to the others.

CLAIRE
Where’s Phil?

GLORIA and MITCHELL look at each other, not wanting to even

have to tell her the truth.

JAY
Maybe he broke a leg doing cheer
flips.

As the ANNOUNCER tells the audience to take their seats,

PHIL, SCOTTY & TREVOR run into the building in a straight
line, each climbing over people to fill in the row beside
CLAIRE. In return, CLAIRE covers her face and pretends not to
see them right beside her. PHIL leans in cheerily.

PHIL
You will never believe the back
flips Scotty can still do! We did a
pyramid in the park and totally
owned the local high school’s cheer
squad practicing across the field
from us.

CLAIRE
Phil, I need you to put on your
Real Estate Dad hat back on for the
next hour and refrain from speaking
about your high kicks to anyone in
this vicinity.

PHIL laughs and looks over toward the rest of the gang,
thumbing in her direction as he speaks.

PHIL
What’s gotten into Dunphy Downer
over here?
 27.

CLAIRE
Don’t. Call me Dunphy Downer, we’ve
talked about this.

JAY
I wonder which show is more likely
to make me lose my lunch.

GLORIA
Jay, you couldn’t lose a meal if it
ran away screaming in terror.

MITCHELL attempts to disguise his laughter with a cough. JAY

turns to glare at him. The curtains rise.

On the STAGE are ALEX and MANNY in a wedding ceremony scene.

Each lean in to peck one another and ALEX has to hold herself
back from making a face in front of everyone.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. STAGE - SCHOOL THEATRE - EVENING - CONTINUOUS

A mass of children dressed as beggars rage against ALEX as

Marie, standing on a set designed balcony next to MANNY as
King as they watch over the crowd.

BEGGAR 1
There is no bread!

BEGGAR 2
There is no water!

LUKE
We are scrarving!

ALEX looks toward LUKE with empathy for his unintended slip
of the word. CLAIRE’s head falls into her hands once more as
PHIL watches excitedly, completely unfazed by the mistake.
GLORIA turns to JAY and shrugs with a smile.

BEGGAR 1
Off with her head!

BEGGAR 2
Yeah! Off with her head!

As the crowd breaks out into a chaotic flurry, ALEX holds her
arm up high and silences the crowd unexpectedly.

ALEX
Enough!
 28.

The crowd on stage looks around as this obviously unscripted

break occurs.

ALEX (CONT’D)
You don’t hate me. You hate the
system. You hate the men that are
behind this entire economic falter.
Maybe you even hate my screwball
husband who can barely read and
write let alone make decisions for
the future of this country.

MANNY looks around, awkward and unsettled.

ALEX (CONT’D)
How wicked do you think I am? I
have been a fourteen year old girl
for the last 23 years. There is no
manual that comes with this job. I
can’t just go on Youtube or find a
tutorial on how others did it
correctly. And who is to say what
is correct? Does anyone in charge
ever really know what they’re
doing?

The audience members, specifically the family members, are

stunned. CLAIRE finds herself with her jaw dropped in
prideful shock while the others look around at each other
momentarily.

ALEX (CONT’D)
Go ahead and cut off my head. Make
a meal out of it if that’s what
will satisfy you.
ALEX takes off her wig and finds her glasses to put them back
on her face once more.

ALEX (CONT’D)
But you’ll remember me, each and
every one of you, when you are
wrongfully persecuted and sold out
by even your closest companions.
You’ll all think of me when your
lives are being gossiped about and
speculated by people you don’t even
know, and when that happens? May
the people have mercy on your soul,
as none of them did for mine.

ALEX walks off stage and everyone else left standing shuffles
awkwardly.
 29.

CAMERON is the first to stand up and clap, and MITCHELL soon

follows, both proud and overwhelmed with emotion. HALEY is
particularly moved with tears in her eyes when she stands up
to join in the applause. Soon, everyone is standing and
shouting their praise as the curtains close. JAY turns to
GLORIA, speaking under his breath to her as they stand and
clap as well.

JAY
I still don’t get how Manny wearing
that wig makes any sense.

PHIL, SCOTTY & TREVOR jump into the walkways of the theatre
and begin jumping and doing flips as they cheer emphatically
for the children. CLAIRE is the first to instantly grab her
things to leave and everyone else is quick to follow suit.

END OF ACT THREE

 30.

ACT FOUR

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY

ALEX is seated between LUKE and MANNY as the FAMILY surrounds

them with a cake that reads: Congratulations, Versailles.

Everyone is happy and cheerful, and yes, SCOTTY and TREVOR

are still in the picture.

GLORIA
You all did a brilliant job!

CLAIRE
Yes, and Alex, you were terrific.
All of you were.

LUKE
Even me?

CLAIRE
Yes Luke, you were very brave up
there.

MANNY
I thought Mrs. Roberts was going to
hyperventilate at the end, but when
everyone started congratulating her
on such a creative production, I
knew she was really happy with what
you had done.

CAMERON
(holding LILY)
And let’s not forget our wardrobe
department, Mr. Mitchell Pritchett.

MITCHELL walks by to coo at the baby on his way to the back

of the kitchen.

MITCHELL
Oh, stop.

HALEY turns to ALEX and looks at her approvingly.

HALEY
I gotta hand it to you, I never
thought we were so much alike.

ALEX is shocked and looks over to HALEY to do a double take.

ALEX
You and me?
 31.

HALEY
No loser, me and Marie. I finally
have someone to relate to on how
tough it is being pretty, popular
and in charge.

ALEX
And hated by everyone.

CAMERON
Dylan, Lily’s really taken a liking
to you. You two must have had quite
the bonding experience.

DYLAN
(shyly)
You have a lovely daughter with a
gentle soul. Her cries are like
poetry.

CAMERON
You hear that, Lily? You’re a
regular Maya Angelou!

MITCHELL comes out with a stack of plates and utensils.

MITCHELL
Okay, who wants to cut the cake?

MANNY
I do!

CUT TO:

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

CLAIRE has her back to everyone and is facing the CAMERA.

CLAIRE
What makes a good leader? I
guess... someone who is willing to
adapt to change. Whether it’s your
average Joe dad that has to face
the facts about his beyond average
family.. yet still makes the effort
to hold them all together.

GLORIA smacks JAY’s hand when he tries to cut too large a

piece, CLAIRE’s voice can be heard over the images of FAMILY
interacting.
 32.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)
Sometimes leaders are the ones you
wouldn’t suspect. The woman so
gorgeous and so glamorous that you
could have sworn there wasn’t room
for anything more, swooping right
under your nose to save the day. Or
the boy who you’d think would be
your worst nightmare as a parent
that turns out to actually be a
maturing influence on your
daughter. [pause] Well, hopefully
not too maturing..

DYLAN and HALEY hold hands and share an intimate nuzzle.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)
Or your husband who leads a family
to the beat of his own drum...

PHIL laughs loudly with cake in his mouth at SCOTTY and

TREVOR, his body flailing back and forth in hysterics.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)
Or your daughter who doesn’t play
by the rules and isn’t afraid to
call you out when you’re wrong -
even when you’re terrified of being
wrong.

We pan across the room to see a happy family, enjoying cake

and the simplicity of life together.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)
A good leader doesn’t judge,
doesn’t get caught up in the little
things, and can always see the big
picture. No matter how frightening
it may look at times.

PHIL turns over toward CLAIRE, calling out at her from across
the kitchen.

PHIL
Hey Claire! Come outside with us!
Scotty, Trevor and I have something
to show you!

CLAIRE faces the camera one last time and lets out a long
exhale, but smiles in good spirits and follows the family out
to the backyard.
 33.

EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY - CONTINUOUS

The three cheerleaders, SCOTTY, TREVOR & PHIL perform a

routine for the family. Although they have felt embarrassed
on most occasions by the constant cheerleading, each family
member looks significantly impressed. There are surprised
“whoa!’s” and gasps of excitement. Even JAY looks stunned.

JAY
How is it possible that Phil’s only
ended up with three kids with all
that flexibility?

GLORIA and MITCHELL laugh with a shake of their heads before

continuing to cheer for PHIL, SCOTTY & TREVOR.

LUKE runs up to ALEX.

LUKE
Someone’s at the door for you.

ALEX
Who is it?

LUKE
I think his name is Hunting.

HALEY and ALEX look at each other for a moment in confusion

before ALEX’s lightbulb goes off.

ALEX
Hunter?!

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

In a sporadic moment of sisterhood, HALEY quickly helps ALEX
fix her hair and even helps her apply lipgloss as well as
sprays her a few times with her own perfume. ALEX is
flustered on the way toward the front door.

ALEX
This is stupid, he doesn’t even
like me.

HALEY
Just remember to show him the
bombshell you can be and then drop
him the second he gets sweet on
you. Now go!

HALEY disappears with LUKE as ALEX answers the door. HUNTER

GRAHAM is waiting with a bouquet of flowers.
 34.

HUNTER GRAHAM
Hey, Alex. I heard you did awesome
last night. These are for you.

HALEY is behind the door in only Alex’s eyesight, doing an

exaggerated hair flip for her to mimic in response. ALEX
attempts this aloof hair flip as she accepts the flowers but
remains suspicious and guarded.

ALEX
Thanks, I guess your food poisoning
cleared up pretty quickly.

HUNTER hangs his head with embarrassment and defeat before

returning to ALEX’s eyes.

HUNTER GRAHAM
About that. I have a confession to
make. I never had food poisoning.
Or double pneumonia.

ALEX makes a face, insulted that he would think she were so

dumb to believe it in the first place.

ALEX
(dripping with sarcasm)
You don’t say.

HUNTER rubs the back of his neck as he shyly explains his

reasoning.

HUNTER GRAHAM
The whole kissing thing...

ALEX
I know, Hunter. You don’t have to
explain. It’s okay that you don’t
want to kiss me.

Although ALEX appears to still be wounded by this, HUNTER is

quick to disregard this rumor.

HUNTER GRAHAM
No way! That’s not it at all!

ALEX
(surprised)
It isn’t?
 35.

HUNTER GRAHAM
Of course not. I’ve wanted to kiss
you since the 4th grade when you
told Miss Hamley about the Modified
Newtonian dynamics during her
lecture on the laws of gravity.

ALEX is taken aback and almost incapable of responding at

first. This is also probably the first time in her life she
hasn’t known what to say.

ALEX
I can’t believe you even remember
that.

HUNTER GRAHAM
(shyly)
I remember lots of things.

ALEX
So... why’d you back out on the
play then?

HUNTER slumps against the door frame with his hands shoving
into his pockets.

HUNTER GRAHAM
I guess... I just didn’t want to
kiss you knowing you had to kiss me
back. If it had been anyone else I
probably wouldn’t have cared, you
know?

ALEX smiles at this explanation and slowly closes the front

door behind her as she begins to take off her glasses.
ALEX
What about now?

HUNTER smiles and moves closer to ALEX, placing a tentative

hand at her waist when he leans in to place an innocent kiss
to her lips. HALEY, MANNY and LUKE are watching in the window
beside them, both suddenly bursting into cheerful screams.
While HALEY cheers happily, LUKE can be heard screaming an
elongated “SIIIIICK” while MANNY in unison screams “NOOOO!”.
ALEX and HUNTER break apart and look over in rosy-cheeked
embarrassment.

EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY - CONTINUOUS

HUNTER joins ALEX and the FAMILY in the backyard to watch the
continuing cheerleading routine.
 36.

DYLAN is holding LILY and pointing up for her as they jump.

PHIL is off camera when we hear him shout.

PHIL
Alright team, the big finish! Let’s
show ‘em what we’re made of! This
one’s for you, Lane!

The family watches in amazement and a collective “WHOOOA!”

happens, each face lit with anticipation. Suddenly, all heads
tilt up and LILY’s eyes are instantly covered as the
amazement is replaced with horror and the cheers are traded
for gasps. A loud CRUNCH happens and everyone winces, closing
their eyes and looking pained just by the sight. PHIL moans
in agony.

END OF ACT FOUR

FADE OUT