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Love the title, Clifford. :)
This is so insignificant, but
after page 1, the title needs to
be in ALL CAPS in the header.

My Original Text
Conventions of

Changes
CONVENTIONS OF
NONPROFIT STORYTELLING

Nonprofit Storytelling

What I learned
1) APA Formatting
2) I dont have to agree or
understand the rules, I
just need to follow them

So dumb... but it's APA

OK, remember the hyphen
rule: if you need both words to
"stick together" to form a
compound/super-adjective,
then they need to be
hyphenated.

multitude
of heart-tugging 0rganizations
that use

of--heart tugging-0rganizations

Hyphen rule If the words

dont sound right individually
then they need a hyphen.

Alternatives to Violence (AVP)

uses storytelling to structure their
writing to appeal to

Alternatives to Violence (AVP)

is a nonprofit organization that
uses storytelling to structure
their writing to appeal

I see how that ties in better. I

need to break my writing down
more when proofreading. I
guess its in my head so I get
what Im saying but not
everyone will

If one of these doesn't make

sense, you'll know you need a
hyphen.
-heart organizations
-tugging organizations.
This is coming up a bit outta
the blue for me -- AVP hasn't
been introduced at all, and
now it's just being thrown in
the thesis statement.
(Is AVP a non--profit? If so, you
might want to acknowledge
that. That's a way to build a
bridge between what you've
previously written and what
you're writing now -- that way,
your reader can see how/why
all the pieces fit together.)
N

No semicolon here -- a comma

or dash. Google those
concepts + "UNC Writing
Center" for some good
handouts on the intricacies of
these pieces of punctuation.

community members;
which is effective because it
includes a balance of head and
heart.

community memberswhich proves to be an effective

because it includes a balance
of head and heart.

Is this different from

storytelling? It seems like this
might be detracting a bit from
your overall argument.

Alternatives to Violence
(AVP) is a nonprofit organization
that uses storytelling to structure
their writing to appeal to funding
organizations, inmates, and
community members-which proves
to be an effective because it
includes a balance of head and
heart.

Alternatives to Violence
(AVP) is a nonprofit
organization that uses
storytelling to structure their
writing to appeal to funding
organizations, inmates, and
community members-which
proves to be an effective
because it includes an ever
fluctuating balance of Pathos
(empathy) and Logos (logic). .

Here is a story being told

through, common thread
throughout the artifacts that Pat
graciously handed over, with an
ever

The story of AVP is told

through the variety of artifacts
that Pat graciously shared

Here is to general and

doesnt really describe
anything

In the not-for-profit world,

persuasive writing is key to
funding programs that can assist
in helping communities in a
variety of ways. Recently I have
had the opportunity to interview
Pat Hardy, Director at the AVP,
who has been instrumental in
supporting this non-profit program
expand from four to 18 prisons in
the state of California.

Recently I have had the

opportunity to interview Pat
Hardy, Director at the AVP, who
has been instrumental in
supporting this non-profit
program expand from four to
18 prisons in the state of
California. I have known Pat
for a few years and have
known of her for over a
decade. While I was
incarcerated at Valley State
Prison for Women from 19952011, I participated in AVP

I Moved some things around so

it flows better. I can see where
putting my relationship with
Pat works better in the
beginning after I talk about
having the opportunity to
interview her

(Of course, you could always

go back and retweak your
thesis statement. Think:
"working" thesis statement!)

What do you mean by "here"?

In the artifacts? By Pat? In
the paper?

I'm not sure about what you're

trying to accomplish with this
sentence -- think: how is it
moving the paragraph forward
in a meaningful way?
OK, so right now I'm thinking
about your
organization/structure.
Is this the best location for this
info? Could it flow a bit more

I am learning about the

comma, semicolon and dash
stuff. Its confusing but some of
it is starting to sound familiar. I
changed the sentence around
and I like how it follows this
way.
I changed my thesis statement
to include logos and pathos. I
thought I did that when I put
head and heart in it. But I see I
need to be clearer

if you included immediately

after introducing Pat to us? Ie,
"here's Pat, and here's my
relationship to/with her..."

over the years and eventually

became a facilitator, a job
which included planning
workshop agenda and
coordinating logistics with
prison administration. Pat and
I exchanged a few letters and
after I paroled she invited me
to facilitate some local
workshops. I have a
tremendous amount of respect
for her and how she has
assisted in the expansion of
AVP.

What story?

This story includes

heartfelt quotes from inmates
whose lives have been changed,
and words of

Is this the only

artifact/document you
collected? Is it worth
providing an overview of all the
hard evidence/data that you'll
be using in this paper before
moving on and analyzing each
one? (I think so... but not
necessarily... there are
different ways to approach this
-- just want you to consider the
possibilities.

She sent me some writing

examples prior to our meeting
that included a California
Department of Corrections
(CDCR) grant application that
quite honestly was very interested
in. When I needed to find

Is this foundation called The

Foundation? If not, you
shouldn't treat it like a proper
(capitalized noun.

. The Foundation I work for also

submitted a request for this grant
and while we were

The stories Pat writes about

include heartfelt quotes from
inmates whose lives have been
changed

Needed to be more descriptive,

to general

. The Freedom to Choose

Foundation

I put the full name in, not sure

if I should just say foundation,
this gives a little more
information.

OK, so when you explained this

to me in person (Week 4 or
something), it was a lot clearer.
Can you find a way to clear this
up a bit?

a request for this grant and while

we were denied, Pats grant
request was rewarded with
$250,000.00. That is exactly how
much my Foundation requested.
So its no coincidence that I totally
took advantage of this assignment
to get my hands on that winning
grant! My efforts were rewarded
right

One of my class
assignments was to gather
writing artifacts and conduct
an interview with the author, it
was no coincidence that I
emailed Pat and requested
some writing samples. My
efforts were rewarded right
away, when I received an email
from Pat with attachments, one
of them being the coveted
grant.