DON'T WRITE AND TELL US HOW BAD IT IS! D TOHAT TREFARGE EWE MAID DIGS UP SOME be OUT- OF -THIS-WORILD SCREAM GEMSNUMBER 237 MARCH 1983 WILLIAM M. GAINES. ALBERT B. FELDST} publ ublishe B. FELDSTEIN ‘editor LEONARD BRE RENNER ar ee eee EMEGLIN serovar | JOHN NG Cee eee 5 : cepa aucuar ae Se ere ras ALBERT lowsuisANNEGI ubscriptions ALBERT ews ANNE ORIPETTS ges An Extremely {mportant INSTRUCTIONS on HOW TOR how to proper first looks at the pack covers aibuyers of MADAo not KAA von purchasing COPS OF recent study has found (hat ronth, then che Mhat the average render Merced E- Neuman i in th {200 Shout half the Dave BO nthe average reader Ih rekimsa few of the in a bor pe rend later-sualty om 8 389 Saturday aft THIS rhecorrect ™25 pon ion of the amathe masthead” sams af the peopl wee editorial and ae aed airectiy above NS extremes od tiepes on MAD marten te onard Benne TOM to the sect Meglin ‘Stop for a minute an are’ you the finest humor a8 fe men my apprecial Walt the usual way & €UStOTN pote ro a person's boss. In MIAD's ease that ine. (MAD's Pe vy). 75 Rockefeller PI Another popular 8 ‘expressing one’s 20" Christmas time: Ps re hve a Christmas rked America® thes saza, New reciatio of 9 and 35. you might alse ‘a girlbetween hone number pure most fl fe, you ean the ress. tele ve shown you correct and proper mane We suggest caren and aout half ETE Be aaa History class, whic nee found these with ar appreciation arting with the Then save the rest of es fist instructions aces Around The Magazine ao cea ona 5p hang otra te Se ao re Mane GG etn ome 2 ew ffintarga aout ra asraton Poste spioyniah Wencestbye Ouacet Se oe ee i ie Sesser Message Fro! MAD. seks out the pefore tossing the ‘lass, whichever com Te "masthead ments. (in important mes William M. Ga Nozkowski. Th ee.) atbert B. Feldstein hare the bac ativeand workin hat these men are if: “Have genius force De er idask yoursel writing a.com mn is by Fe! ing, those ‘ard filed with Holiday a consider enclosing # alow wing the ¥ am pi back covers. hed Oe Fol Ihe magazine fora rai sedure for reading tetpf in Hearing the correct proc We hope Youve Sincerely Tne EDITORS VITAL FEATURES m The Editors..- to see what din, all the es first. of the maga’ Inis particular ISSHe> Nick Jxbone of MAD, the gsohard tobring "tone att Lean toshow aplimentary munications. who serve ow at and a smattering of picture of yourseifalons est of MAD in the id-in, all the Dow Saturday afternoon ora MAD. FOREIGNER’S TRAVEL, GUIDE TO THE U.S. Pg. 43LETTERS DEPT. Every m tre boring and stpid. And then there ore others, which ore eal newspoper clipping. Ths month, MAD solutes these Briting who they've cipped below I's no big dea printing sl mere of the same old boring, sup Ie ao SaESATY JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUES AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO . aan Refoias, AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! Ny, 10022 ).75*. Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me next 10 issues of MAD Magazine. NAME, ADDRESS. city. STATE I'M GOING To BE ON VACATION NEXT WEEK... 3‘STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP, MANAGE. id MENT AnD CIRCULATION (Recrad 9 99 USC. Seas) tle of Publestion MAD A. Publeaton No, Ren coat Sai9 Gatse0 2 Date ot hms et. 982 3. Hequency of ‘sur: Monty, except Feb, May Ave” Now Roo" of lssee publened anrusty: 8 nual subscription price: $.75/10 issues 4.Complete Mating Adsress of Known Office 1 Publication: 488 MADison Avenue NYC 10022 6. Complete Malling Address of the Headauarters or General Business Otfices of the Publishers” 485 MADIson Avenue NYC 10022 6. Full Names and Complete Mailing Aalress of Publisher Editor and Managing Editor: Publisher. Wiliany Mt. Gaines=485 MADison Avenue NYC: 10022; Editor: Albert B. Feldstein 485 MADison Avenue NYC 10022; Managing Editor: None, 7. Owner (7 owned by 2 corporation, its name and ad ‘ess must be stated and also Immediately thereunder the names and addresses of Stockholders owning or holding | percont or more of ttel amount of stock’). Publics fons. In. wholly owed by Warrier Commu: ations, Inc. a publicly Nel Corporation 75 Rockefeller Plaza N¥C 10019.'8. Known Bondholders, mortgages, andother security holders owning or holding 1 percent or mort nual of ftal amount of bonds, mortgages or other QURLATEST tszsts_estentons irae it ” swat | sass or son ... BROUGHT TO YOU BUY YOUR COPY...SO Tas BY THE TRUSSWORTHY — OUR CUP RUNNETH OVER MAD GANG OF IDIOTS. AND HAVE A BALL! On Sale Now At Your Favorite Bookstand, Or Yours By Mail é =====-use coupon or duplicate=. Tame eer ADDRESS. ae eo oo TE | aon ce 485 MADison Avenue CITY Tease New York, N¥. 10022 STATE___ ZIP. om Taina Women teccsu an eee PLEASE ‘THE MAD ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THESE OTHER MAD Willams M. Gaines: Publisher SEND ME JOCK BOOK PAPERBACK BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW: he ity O14 MAD MND About The Buoy [eae MAD About parts Plecte Address All Correspondence To GRbuetaediao — Cunbierki i owner MAD, Bop 237, 485 MaDion avenue Real (he Uncensore MAD Sos ane ithe NerVotet ADC Pumping MAD Seated Wh AD aarp onyeenato ry Sie Non Vola Cpumoig MAD en Uneoteit Manuccrs wil net be returned unless LiThe Token MAD O The Eegs-Rated MAD Politically MAD cit aklonsn nowt he Pocket MAD kB raya SMA Loo te Future She tvs AD MAD Bok ot Nystenes Dring ie MRD ea MAB ral to Grave Pane Sisto vio EHAD Geter ne i ANP SITTING IN FOR an ae CTA Gita te Cases “he nage MAD COWAD Bot sf Revenge ME WILL BE... ‘Hooked of MAD MAD Goi le Cxens ihe Cckoo MAD [BMAD Surat Handbook he Medne MRD ya" MAD Fast Li Sani Soar of Sia Se ne AGONES MAD ars HAD Wry Eo verboard MAD As a Hatter : COMAD Weirdo Watchers Guide. MND Clos ound MAD ar beter ese SIMD Sew CTTMeMAD'Wessre Gest 5 ig Mong With MAD [te Sound ot MAD Hab abort Spats TELEDWING Bizarre Bazar er Wd fing Samos EDMING Book of Aires! Superheroes tombe Snow MADE) THe ND Jur Bok estes MAD > PORGES How Not To Dot Alo wees dives. | ENCLOSE $1.75 FOR EACH WE E400 be espana fx cash Sten (Winimum Order: $5.25) "ean Ore peeredase ela eee ee ee Se ae) DCO area er ORCL ae Ui the country rushed to theaters and paid good money to have their pants scared off them. Well, Steve and Company, MAD has taken a nce Roe CU RO RC ene Pate eam Cee ecient er) Pee ecu Rk ea un ac oe oe eicasg i'm Heave Feeling... 2 7 suburban Father! '2 good living and I've got 9 comfortable hhome and a nice family! im Dyin Feeling... typical suburban housewife! ('m also 9 {'m Blobbie Feeling! reaking noises in the of being ina 1g movie would recognition! But ‘after this movie, Il probably be as famous as those OTHER ‘Spielberg housewives. ke “Whatsern " eer Poop pee ieiar her grew tpl tel erate Beane Tn Tis neue sintgonns may not sound st to you, but at i AFTER the shows have gone off the air! ‘Are you there? Boy, talk about GHOSTS, fn your TV screen!ORY GUISE Don’t worry! 2 | | Lots of GT What's troubling mm A big brave eight- you now, Biobbie? MM yearold like you?!‘Mom and Dad don't ‘think | notice— but | KNOW they ‘smoke grass! Yeah! isn't roowy to have sufnmodern “with it" type parents? rm not sure! | guess | prefer the old fashioned} type of parents! You mean corny, ‘conservative par. 1 | | FM not bending it! ye!) THEYRE bending it ..CHEECH and CHONG! ‘Are you the telephone know, “teach out and : ar il Aisa ad | ; i LL xactiy what “! But thats | | Lknow! Maybe [| did you mean, | il The | | they were the vivenyou said, ||| ‘Sweetheart? | | TV people | CABLE peopte! | They've here!'?||| WHO'ehere??| | don’came| ‘Theyre prety = emer | “Ground at | | desperate for [/ Unaun.1 (The TW people | Midnight: | | new customers! | = \ = iariguedps Stn sa as ere. Aa a Yeah. Tmay be erazy... but I'm Nahh! it's just that | can’t Bf conna have to risk my ne the idea of going to a cockt “and save the kid's lif! party and having to explain hi ny ke died... "Well you see, my, son was EATEN by this TREE... eS knew we should have switched to Cable! That way, we'd be able to This is not one of our family’s best days!! Caro Anre, where are you... ? wait for the Eleven O'clock News! She'l tell Us where she is HERSELF! What's the He we going to do?! || hurry up and think of something before she's "CANCELLED™!| J Our daughter is stuck in seat side our tele- What does th ] We're a GHOST! vision set! mean in English?) | SWAT TEAM! cme ane Our Caro Anne is stuck in the TV!BT Viel, you came to the right t [ Hmmmm! Either this s “the world's messiest room” placei We seem to be having ‘Or we've got a major “haunting” on our hands! turbances lately! . and in THIS Please! Help movie, you never} Jus find our ‘can tell WHEN daughter. ‘they'll throw one of those Mommy! scones IN... vo HERE, Hey, it's been @ Yes! get Yes! | keep Look! noppienic for JB my food 1 setting kissed Phantom| ME, i bya man named figures. Richard Dawson! | || descend. Of course! Uh— : ing the hhow are you get- BD sar. tingalongin ff Areyou ff Are you casell there! Are you Ml iearning having j ating well? anything? any tun?Sorry! | i ning! Ll And I'm ‘of evil spirits! | wil cleanse the rooms! | t will cleanse the stairways! | wil cleanse the these attic! Now, where. daughter ast seen? _| | prices, Well, she was trapped in the TV, but now she cleanse may have moved to the walls...or the windows! | windows! = “Goopati= | Prevre turning What sce ot tre aro Ann... Where Tavs amasing | [Cavaerat | [ratohow ced Stic come Womeasts ARE youuuvauuau. a fesenr! aro oo lta! Tear you think ‘ing those ete | mget™ pokes! _| ‘Now... let me go through the house and ind your missin 2 Clairvoyant— ‘and can read minds! | know at — ‘all times what you're thinking! | | = My daugt Here we go! The tennis balls into the TV set! Then, [will clear a path through the light and confuse the boast! WS = | aimee a eee ||8 ere < mt ts| | eat "wo one || 258 | lonitS at sone balisand || workRHYME MARCHES ON DEPT. One of the hardest ways to make a living today is were alive today, they would probably be forced to to be a poet, If the great poets of years gone by find work doing something else. What would they be IF FAMOUS POET. MAKE A LIVING Rudyard Kipling as a Job Consultant If you can get yourself a fancy title, ‘Though no one knows just what your job’s about; If you can screw up projects that are vital, ‘Then shift the blame before they find you out, If you can treat a rival like a brother, Then stab him in the back each chance you can: If you can steal the program of another, ‘Then take the credit that it was your plan; If you can rig expenses that are phony, ‘While ev’ryone believes that they are real; If you can take long lunches with a crony, ‘And make your boss believe you've closed a deal; If you can get the office staff to love you, When in your heart of hearts you think they're dirt; 1f you can look alive to those above you, ‘When 9 to 5 no effort you exert; Longfellow as a Used Car Dealer Under the sign that says “Great Buy!” Tdrove it and the ride was smooth —" Tt costs a small amount torun The Buick Regal stands; (except for when it stalled); (Gf you can get Free 328): ‘Two thousand dollars isthe price | The engine's good for many years Its peppy and has speed to spare |] This gorgeous car commands (ft were overhauled); (anless you want to pass) 1 J Gin truth Vd take one-fourth of that Its like you're ina car that’s new On roads, it handles like a dream to get it off my hands). ad (and should have been recalled). if you've been smoking grass).doing? Stick around as MAD answers this important question by showing you what things would be like HAD TO ODAY If you can seem free-thinking and courageous, ‘Yet always end up siding with your boss; If you can get amammoth raise in wages, Yet make him feel you're working at a loss; If ev'ry line that’s written here you've noted, And ev'ry rule and precept you obey, ‘Then to the highest spot you'll be promoted, Unless, of course, you're knifed along the way WRITER: FRANK JACOBS Carl Sandburg as a Travel Writer LAS VEGAS Crap Table for the World, Card Dealer, Stacker of Chips, Graveyard of Suckers and the Nation's Dabt Maker Greedy, Grabby, Unbeatable ity Of the Lost Bankrol: They elme you are oarloss, andl believe hem: for {have seon the tourist froma Omaha lose hs ron! money and then return witha cash advance ou his Ving Gard and lose again, 1) |, Anaitey tellin you areteacherous:cnd answer: You, } Thave seen the blackjack dealer hit a sixteen and | mmakea twonty-one when Lam holding a natural ferent. And ey tell me youate brutal, and my rply is the lgee of Highllor, Ihave seen the anguish of crapping ot! tus tans of ive ig ones. ‘And having answered, to turn once more to those who Tun thseity, nd Tea to them: Bete I should apend {weak in Philadelphia bored out of my ll then try Doat the Crap Table ofthe Worls, Card Dealer, Stacker of Chips, Graveyord of Suckers and City ofthe Let Bankr. iy Joyce Kilmer as a Lawyer —! The seats will give you room to spare (and also ailments spinal); You'll like the ultra-leather look (another term for vinyl); So drive this beauty home today (bring cash; all sales are final). | Think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a fee; A fee that mounts up day by day, Which clients are obliged to pay: A fee that's bringing more distress ‘Than any crime they might confess; A fee requiring special skills By being padded to the gills; A fee I damn well will collect ‘And total twvice what they expect ‘A judge can let a man go free, But only I can set a fee.Edgar Allan Poe as a Pharmacist ‘See my bottles full of pills— uw ‘See my other kinds of pills— Pretty pills! Happy pills! Packed with potent powder for the curing of your ils! | | Crammed with crazy chemicals that give all kinds of thrills ve a dandy bunch of new ones When my purple ones you're trying, Good for snakebite or the gripe; ‘There's a tingle that you feel; And I've also got a few ones— With the green ones, you'll be flying Some are yellow, some are blue ones— Till you're soon identifying. That will end your nasal drip; With some world that isn't real; For I know, know, know, Feel that glow, glow, glow You'll pay half a buck a throw Till your mind begins to blow To relieve irregularity, or muscle aches or chills And you're hooked until you're swallowing that overdose that kills |) With the pills, pls, pill, pills, From the pills, pills, pills, pills, Pills pills, pills— Pills, pills, pills— , With your never-ending gulping ofthe bills. From your never-stopping popping of the pills. Walt Whitman as a Mafia Don Lewis Carroll as a TV Critic —————— ir ———— — oe ee O Capo! My Cape (© Capo! My Capo! “Twas Bunker and the Quincy Fonz Our Future is in doubt; [feel alone and lost; Did Mork and Mindy in the Soap; ‘A rival gang is moving in ‘A.rat is here within our midst; All Angie were the Trapper Johns ‘And hopes to squeeze us out: I'm being double-crossed Bob Hope, Last week, I fear, while on a job, Great sadness fils my aching heart wane Lee Tartini took three slugs To do what I must do, I grieve, old friend, that we may lose |\} Because I've found, dear friend of old, Our chief supply for drugs fi} The rat, alas, i you.John Masefield as a Pro Football Linebacker Tmust go out on the field again and play for my old team; Where I can hear the wondrous sound ‘Of a gang-tackled runner's scream; And a nose to break, and an eye to gouge, and cleats to stomp a toe with; And the body's thud, and the smell of blood, and the stats to make All-Pro with, Oe Avoid the Starsky-Hutch, my son, But Kojak Swat may Brinkley Flo The Ironside with Chips beneath; To Lobo Welby with Cosell; Beware the Hazzard Dukes and shun If Merv, we'll Benson to Cousteau | The Mash of Osmond teeth. And Sha-Na-Na as well. [= And should the Vegas Hulk return To Sanford with Tennille, no less, Welll Cronkite Shirley from Laverne | And Hee-Haw Meet the Press. jeld again and play for the Green Bay Pack; And all [ask is a taped-up fist and a quarterback I can sack; And a head to twist, and some knees to bust, and a half-crazed coach to lead me; And some ribs to crack, and the grunts I make that they Feed me. ar —=He “Twas Bunker and the Quincy Fonz Did Mork and Mindy in the Soap: All Angie were the Trapper Johns ‘And Dallas was Bob Hope.STATISTICKLE DEPT. rurTWé® MAD'S TABLE OF L ADDITIONS vo... USELESS WEIGHTS, .0005 LITERS 6.9 INCHES AS +s how far a person shoves h into a freshly-opened loaf of brea ico wx) ~ «is how far a chicken bone someone is Choking on catapults across a restaurant ‘when you perform the“Helmlich Maneuver.” first cigarette before he starts ‘coughing. gut aslice without removing the end plece, 19.5 INCHES 3.3 OUNCES 9.8 YARDS «is the total depth of lines that are + the amount of ketchup on the sides... . is the total distanee Rodney Danger- plagiarized for the average ferm paper. ‘Of the bottle that youll never get out, _ifeld yanks his tie during one monologue. 6.8 OUNCES 284 POU wes 8.7 GALLONS «+ is the total amount of F : od Chickens. . is the total weight of the three Knock is the amount of water you swallowed In-A-Bucket that’s a complete “mystery.” Em Down pins in an average carnival booth, when you were first learning how to swim, 1.2 OUNCES 4.6 OUNCES + af the amount of food per serving in... is how much closer a horny guy sits to... the amount of popeorn on your Iap ‘school’s hot lunch program that’s edible, ithe TV set when watchin le" show. whem you get up at the end of the movie.TTLE-KNOWN AND VERY MEASURES & DISTAN 827 YARDS eu yaa | SANDS OF tat STAR WARE EMPIRE STK BACK IT + Bs the length form all around first week that 137 POUNDS «fs the minimum weight of any piece of Tummiture your wife wants moved ... again! 5.7 MILES is the depth of th you'll find on any street in New York City 11.3 FEET. «Is the distance that the tiny little rubber band from your braces shoots from Your mouth across the room when you yawn. 004 CENTIMETERS uuu dt ws dhe diameter of the circle that a ioinpaste cap leaves on 8 bathroom sie 9.7 INCHES the length of the average scratch an will put on your brand new luggage: 1.2 INCHES is the depth of the lines in a National Enquirer story that is actually the truth. CES 8.5 INCHES pail off a roll before it starts. getting fisted and mangled all over your hands, 1.9 MILES Tis the closest you 10 buys cologne for u get £0 someone 1,99 a bottle, 6.5 GALL ONS pool thats neither water nor chlorine.PHOTO PLAY-OFFS DEPT. WEDS VOSA WVUND) A PICTORIAL LOOK AT THE The EPA, after conch the LoveC a from the their tests, annoy ning tite nce that it conside EPA DE Z| ‘CLARES LOVE CANAL SAFE | was murdered an ian ath thre EL SALVADOR PICKS PRES ‘The El Salvador Assembly chose anew President and three Vice Presidents to rule the country. The Miltary Junta denied rumors that they pressured members of the ‘Assembly to select their particular choice for President. DEMOCRACY AT WORK! Members ofthe Junta making 18 G00 SWE THE point of order during parliamentary debate. QUEEW intruder eters Palace and surprises Her Majesty,WEARS OOLK NEWS EVENTS OF THE YEAR Wrvren: Lou SiLVERSTONE YANKEES SET RECORD ‘The New York Yankees set an American League record by hiring their third manager of the tlso established on alltime Major League tecord for hiring ond firing pitching ond potting coaches in one season. ‘THE WEAKER SEX! he ltest Yankee monger bing Mvanoge's nd othe 0k 28. GEORGIA TOWN PASSES GUN LAW Kennesaw, GA, d i te Tome: Could , GA., passed an ordinance making it mandatory forthe head of every household io own a WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, YOU GOT A HEADACHE!? A typi of g household in Kennesaw, GA., makes use of hi ERA AMENDMENT DEFEATED ‘The Bqual Rights Amendme Assembly, ending a t fi ‘ten year fight for rat ‘eoson. The Steinbrennerled Yankee team of the 38 needed for om dl Enthusiastic feminists = nt died when it was rejected by the Ilinois ification, ERA fell thre — tion. ERA fell three votes short F lobbying for the ERA amendment SEX PROF SUSPEN Professor Barry Singer, who teaches a course in ‘The Psychology of Sexat Cal. State U. was suspend ed for 30 days by University officials. The Professor gave his students course credits for indulging in after-school sex experiments and adultery. The students were required to keep a record of their sexual exploits.PRESIDENT WINS TAX INCREASE BATTLE Lost year, Pres. Reagan fought for and won ‘taxbillthat gave the country its largest tax cut in history. This year, faced wih less ‘money coming in because of that tax cut cand a huge deficit, Mr. Reagan pushed for the largest tox increase in history. It wos @ tough fight, and he had to play “hord ball" Yo get the votes needed from his fellow Republicons. PER REVERSES HIS FIELD! White House ‘sides lobbying tor passage of tax increase bil, WT CRACKS DOWN oN DRAFT RESISTORS ‘over 674000 young men have foie fo register fret Stouts on 5 We ere ale ron te au oe Fun tear S000 ne COURT REVERSES TAPING STAND Ce ea a "DPE CROOK ERASED! Law enforcement official arrests alleged tape criminal for recording Notre Dame football game on his home VCR. U.S. POST OFFICE PLEDGES MAIL DELIVERIES AFTER NUCLEAR WAR The US. Postal S }ounced that they would continue to deliver the vent plans call for delivery of first class mail onl. ould be suspended, NETHER SNOW NOR RAIN NOR NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST... Family reacting to ews that in case of nuclear war. their “TV Guide” will not be delivered, y Policy: The next day, President Reagan an- that he had regretfully accepted Mr. Haig's resignation, Mr. Reagan praised as a “team pla ‘s named te House spokesman declined to say whether Mr, oF left voluntarily. EXIT... NON-TEAM PLAYER! Former Secy of State Haig leaves capitolJET-GAG DEPT. It's no secret that airline food is the pits. But lately, the airlines have been doing something about it. No, they haven't been improving the taste or the quality of their food! Forget that! What they've been doing is improving the look and the sound of their menus! In retaliation, MAD now teaches you HOW TO READ AN AIRLINE MENU C70€4. \ May We Invite You To Dine With Us: WHAT ELSE APPETIZERS SO CAN YoU 90,2 THEY BOUGHT ‘AT OUT ?! THE CANS Tomy! it, Pineapple EAT THEM y - ae IF YOU'RE A THATS WHaT___—_—¢ eam)Of Celery Soup REAL GAMBLER! IT Tastes ! LIKE / Spnisaexs bg ENTREE SELECTIONS 5 — —- ____ ALSO fe 266 SHELL TASTES LIKE __— Omelet With Ba. Bite? ANOLZ Th&Catch) Of The RUBBER Boot! Beef Teriyaki __ SHOULD REMAIN (With Our C et Sauce)’ A SECRET / PATTERE!_rossed Green Salad With Tomatoes THE ONLY 6REEN Koren! Cauttered) cauliflower Cruise) _'N HE SALAD! — Carrots © Au Gratin) Carrots BRUIBED f SALE, ree Kinds Of Bread) HOLL! _— Ss Pe 0 BE SIALER, -— Served With A Mold Of Buttesy—___ VICE-VERSA! STALEST! or Your Choice Of P1 eS) DESSERTS SHORT ON siren h GOOP FOR FLAVORS : PRESERVING pe, pe FURNITURE, TACTES LIKE HELL! rere? FLOORS, ete.! NO ONE ELeE __ WOULD DARE eC MBKET , — wvounentmizoumsence isnot avanan, _ CONSIDER DUE TO PREVIOUS PASS EL _— YOURSELF THis Bar! A V— FORTUNATE! ~ (Our Own Blend of Coffee Or Tea AND ay WhiTeh DIGK DE BARTOLOBIRTHDAYS A SIDE OR... FATHERS tit about time you rf and S are beginning to giving it to thom ih i wr ye 'm 9 USELESS BUM! HT. and stoppedSHOPPING ‘Why don't you get ane of WHEELS ( ae Good! You're ust) [Uh—no in time for supper! yr. K Five bucks for Five aueKS. 27) (Yes) [Ngee have ONE MORE two answers! isn’t that high?? J [it ist coming to you! y- iG m VasUNFORKED TONGUE-IN-CHEEK DEPT. In the past few years, there has been a trend islated. We now have “Truth In Lending Laws” toward honesty. Naturally, this has not been that alert the poor sap who’s borrowing money a voluntary trend, but one that has been leg- just what he’s in the bag for. Also, there’s nm a OTHER “TRU TK IN CONFIGS TIONS) ny ‘As | stand before —' You're not MY friends LL This witlgwe © So why did | consent to Youonthisvery | |butousiness sssocates and [ | you someidea [the pary" Because my fl Important day! ithe phony” |f parents SUCCEEDED n imaterastic. [ff "passing those phony witnine wlgaralplay ot | | wats mypar- |) materialist vaieson Spulence hat rasnoting | | entsravetred |{| "tome! inshore tm ‘iuailtedo wthreigient’ | _sogsssontome ||| init for the PRESENTS! 5 TRUTH iN RETIREMENTS ) Fiona ie to tack the Mammon LET Stoo my fat | and LET used to 4) Electric Company forgiving me [day on the job this retirement dinner! don't in 1950, I've ‘wally DESERVE it... andl had my friends punchin‘er | whenever ‘ell you why I say that! Because T wanted 'onever given the company an | | me at9 while HONEST DAY'S WORK in the thity || Tshowed up to60 years that I've been here! forworkat 11! | fishing!“Truth In Advertising Laws” and “Truth In these “Truth In,..Laws” were extended to oth- Packaging Laws” to protect the unsuspecting er areas? What areas, you ask? Glad you did— consumer. What do you think might happen if because here’s how marvelous life will be. THIN. ..LAWS' ” Oe ie TRUTH IN ACADEMY AWARDS ae Mey, bs! Look what 1 gal ny ree or my So, let's ‘Afterall, you sure ale don’t want my folks generous | | going around teling ty to say some thing to all the BIG people everyone you couldn't 12) with those | checks, ana | | afford to 2ive more! ee ene J} gweilt” | | Okay youcan start ing! 'm finished ‘nts Sa oseasiOn We SSK GUEEWES | | Whocan veal know this man? Tm sure ‘because | never saw him be questions that have no answers! Ques: Veanant ‘tions like: What kind of man was the fore in my Wife! He never set foot in MY Gocet hethareeesiossbesion ‘dear departed? What feolings did he have ins heart of hearts? What doubts | | the family called and needed someone to ai he arbor ini soul of ou end himoff. and wat MY TURN. allthe money got from phony petty ceash vouchers!TRUTH IN GRADUATIONS eae samy — et “Ortowto 1 Grhow WL! 8 Or risisting the tosteer 5] howto starve | | pressure from gooty Guidance Counsellors how to ‘thereot from hhands of |,.| _nerin ordor combinations negotiate the fast | ‘pot eraffit Te Ieave this schoo) 5 or [> pass subjects clear of || between break- fastanddin. | whowantyou to get Pp TRUTH IN CAMPAIGNING ymeone has asked me WHY | want GET oO | OUTTA HI Te want pias ure ear 0 [i [asmemns een Sor to become President of the Student ‘Council! (sit because | wart todo Twantio be topeopenl ares elses withott berg suspended! F—]_ bodies of eihtengearalist ‘ar Wil sonte GOOD for my fellow students? we Ul Lt 6, ag ] these centuries, they're still wrong about so many things, like which day ‘on, which foods ‘chosen people are! Tosun tall upin word, this HighTRUTH IN WEDDINGS ee fee spas hd __ 7s you two young peo” —!"The Groom can look forward ‘And the Bride can watch as _—! Andi there are May Goa towatching his young Bride [J] her young man becomes fat and | any children from [| bless you Tose her youth, er looks, | | bald and, in his pathetic way, Fwould ike to mention | and her shape, as she begins || | tries to chase younger women whatlies ahead inthe | towrinkle upand become an |, | ho, i he eaught them, would Ione year to come dun ike her Mother baby give hn coronary! : J) Lebar aie inna coronary this love mateh, both and allyou'll have ood ‘trom them is aggravation, so- dy TRUTH IN ORIENTATION se = 7s Dean of thie College, ‘Because as | look out at all "Not to mention the untold Freshman students are Its my duty to welcome your eager faces, what d0| 3 ‘disgusting lumps of all you new students! | see? PIMPLES, that's what | cannot see from up her ‘grotesqueness! I'd have its my DUTY, not | see! Thousands and thousands ‘And the GUNK in the corners to be an idiot to think ‘of PIMPLES! A veritable And your itwas a pleasuro we! OCEAN of ZITS | se0 a coming the likes of you! Ma apace! ss TRUTH IN HALFTIME ‘Our Father in Heaven, we humbly ask | Please don't let my pass receivers: don't want to go back to coaching: yout wateh over these men, and to drop sure touchdown passes. of my high schools I want the maney, the protect them... because any of the ‘unners fumble... or my downfield ‘glamour and maybe a cheer leader on| Important players gets hur, there goes | blockers eip...of my coaching. the season and roe‘SICK HUMOR DEPT. ae eee Ee ta) Poe tata S| MORE AiR ine / POST A /20 Tre usaNts Ce ewe s f aa eee es ag FIFTH-TIME BODY COLLAPSE” atOn cues Se AIRPORTS Gee eae TT ETE ae US aR Se Leaee cum coe Daas ~~ & @ > 4 OW JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT.PROCTOR SCOPE DEPT. Hi, I'm Bill Mussel! A few years ago, | did one of these idiotic MAD Interviews, and I'm back because I got my ‘“Second Wind”! (No plug intended!) Today, kids are having problems with reading and writing! And at one of our big colleges, twelve students couldn't even figure out how to divide up two pizzas! All of which means that our schools are in serious trouble! To shed some light on this subject, I'm here at the Albert Shanker High School to interview Mr. Chips Indolent, who is . MAD’S SCHOOL TEACHER moe OF THE YEAR ........ Mr Tie with youn 8 ‘re you putting me Because | py Secor Indolent, minute! Let's see—2 4 ‘Since you're ont Youre have to hate the evoccher Talike’ | |pizzas,12 cs! Hmmm! || Bedanet | | Teacher, | fl be.amasocnint enor i kept me toask | |"ifwecut them inhall, | Okay Bi. | 4 assure you ff eniy working th » HB stood "Wel learned somethi today! Mainly. that ies fll Wo, | mean the guys who run the | Teachers’ Union wouldn't stand Tor it, Because TV sets can't pay union dues! | inthis choot we TT thought you ‘treat all students told me jocks don’t get spea9 a passed the kids Iguess about us TEACHERS? | | off the streets, we : ‘what a DRAG! same kids around, || on the ‘year after year | Man x f "y UA {The kids complain | about Teachers playing favoritest Took, fa student's parents How do you fee! just happen to own a clothing Sq about corporal avant tobat {[Fer mo yids 2fe] No. Because they mak = They ve got par | teaching easier! we don't = Why roti || you guys || ents! tet THEM | a ave to read all those | || Don't we || stopped, | | stop smoking it *| idiotic answers on exam ‘deserve || the kids | | We Teachers got | «the ereatest thing paper ; the same| | would foF| | enough problems tehappen to Educ privileges| | low your | | without acting tion since tenure! ‘asthe | Lexample!| | as role models, é pot? for their brats! [LX = [5 Teresi wommiess | [imeanite] | Ooseabewspin ie | [Een thou yout otto] {Yeh al area] | mctceamtmommie s2) | arucenr's|||wondsre Those parents |‘cetiegwan Your os yen | | we getting ents. || does get on my case once parents! || expectus tobe miracle | mustget SOME enjoyivent | | "all those sretey || ‘ine while! He wants me BoTHeY | | workers! hey same ve out of being Te hissy ot : e [ati oft ; wi ; y AM ~[No, | mean you must ‘That would give me a great deol of satis- | ‘Well, folks! | think we may i'm Bill Mussel, re- =)Neetagrent dea! of |_| tnclont? To se some of thes elods go fave found out why Johny [| tuning yu to MADE otistacton tom [=| on tocollege and graduate ona get some _ | Garteven dive up pza! || Goodbye, hr Chips! 3 “Tantetes gmpayng whe Fn sara : St stuck here inthis dump, working fe pee mutt That would gve mea great deal fzatistactiont? Wha are yout Crazy 4DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III ONE FINE DAY INSERIAL INGREDIENT DEPT. If you ever stayed home from school because you were sick (or faking if), you found out that during the afternoon, there is nothing on television but Soap Operas (which probably made you sicker). To the untrained viewer, these shows SOME SIMPLE & ———- petiak oF THE LAW OF DRAMATIC EFFECT ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES | a i] jument and stomps out of the cs previous sub-law a) oid Taver 2) ai cxespeuse or 3) the husband beat triad. e mental institution, THE LAW OF MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE will last no longer than four episode is hay her isodes if the wife is pregnant (one if by someone else). 's best friend or brother, it can go ten episodes.) 40may seem incomprehensible, not to mention asinine. But since watching TV is better than studying, you're stuck with the “Soaps.” Well, take heart! MAD has uncovered some simple laws that make sense out of Soap Operas! Here are: ie or suffers some tragedy 10 sallsy the audience the ehuraeter he/she is. playing i THE LAW OF GUARANTEED THE LAW OF PERSISTENT AUDIENCE RETURN INTERRUPTIONS EE mn pho everyone in the show he mid 3 y the next week, only €o be stopped again the next Friday etc. thinks is cute, who comes running into the room, aTHE LAW OF HAPPINESS . contends that than the ones they a they find out who the 10 episodes... more i THE LAW OF ADULT AGING ‘eight months if the fages four days... three davs if she's in ither adopted or illegitimate. the mother of an illegitimate child. all Whites have jobs, ears a THE LAW OF NETWORK PROFITABILITY THE LAW OF INVERSE INTEREST i i) 1 a 2 asserts that twice in an hour long Soap than in a haSOUBIDERARGE DEBT, Anyone who has ever traveled overseas is probably familiar with the various travel guides for American tourists. However, on the outside chance that you happen to know someone who is living in a foreign country and is planning a visit here, we have just come across an in- valuable publication for him. We sincerely believe that nobody from another country should visit these shores without taking along... Fa CARRY SIEGEL Feconaewooosnince WAITER LARP r uoCRIN & ss030e Nr MD P UALS Aut UO “2x94 OWN Te URE [99y PINOYS po AueW Jo} snoulny ose WN 24} SutDa Ingy‘2Ad oydde pue s8oy eam oy PONINAVAN) “6461 UF uIOISoUS sTHONY S07 a us 18 oz ye OL eq 10K 190 85. 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GE OVER LME TH FOLOTHISSECTION OVERLEFT 4B FOLD BACK SO “R” MEETS “B” UR LEADERS CHEER THE MILITARY LOBBY Re scarce BLESSES ITSELF WITH TONS OF MONEY... WHILE FEEDING AL JAFFEE, US THE LINE THAT OUR SECURITY IS THREATENED, DEFENSE OFFICIALS CLAIM THEY NEED MACHINERY THAT KILLS IN ORDER TO SAVE LIVES! Ay rT