MAD «
SALUTES CHARLES DARWIN'S BIRTHDAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHARLIE! Ra Yt
ree SAE |S NUMBER 238 APRIL 1983
WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor
LEONARD BRENNER art director TOMNOZKOWSKI production
NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOHN FICARRA associate editor
GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI subscripiions
JACK ALBERT lawsuits, ANNE GRIFFITHS logistics
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS
DEPARTMENTS
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side Of. . 26
C'EST LE GERE DEPARTMENT
“An Officer Ain't No Gentleman”
(A MAD Movie Satire) 4
FISSION TACKLED DEPARTMENT
Don Martin's Atomic Holocaust Survival Manual... 11
IN A JOCKULAR VEIN DEPARTMENT
If Parents and Children Behaved
Like Professional Sports Figures. 40
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
Spy Vs. Spy 43
KHAKI DUTY DEPARTMENT
"Private Benjurmind” (A MAD TV Show Satire)... 44
LETTERS DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings of Reader Mail mee
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT.
“Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones rs
MR/MISS-MATCHED DEPARTMENT
You Know He/She Is Not For You When 32
SAPPY ENDINGS DEPARTMENT
MAD's New Twists To Old Tales 38
SHOOTING STARS DEPARTMENT
The U.S. Video Game Olympic Team 24
‘SICK HUMOR DEPARTMENT
Little-Known And Rarely Diagnosed MAD Ailments
Contracted In Hospitals 22
THE BOOK OF ISTS DEPARTMENT
AMAD Look At The Differences Between Optimism,
Pessimism & Reality. 34
UNDER EXPOSURES DEPARTMENT
MAD's X-Reagans. 16
URBAN ON THE ROCKS DEPARTMENT
How Big Cities Can Solve Their Problems While
Clearing A Few Bucks On The Side 19
WIND-UP DULL DEPARTMENT
‘An Andy Rooney “60 Minutes” Editorial We'd Like
To See 5 31
**Various Places Around The Magazine
VITAL FEATURES
“AN OFFICER
AIN'T NO.
GENTLEMAN”
(Movie
Satire)
Pg. 4
DON MARTIN'S.
ATOMIC
HOLOCAUST
‘SURVIVAL
MANUAL
‘OLYMPIC
TEAM
Pg. 24
DIFFERENCES
BETWEEN.
OPTIMISM,
PESSIMISM
& REALITY
Pg. 34
“PRIVATE.
BENJURMIND”
(AMAD
TV Show
Satire)
Pg. 44 WHY KILL YOURSELF? LETTERS DEPT
Being loved by both cilidren an
alike, E'. cetainly bridged the g
ap. Now, after Look tA
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Kathy Kin
Winter Haven, tL
wrong, With al Th junk they
‘ ay, how do
SEA SICK
Next Shove Leave, try splashing on o litle
Ole Spice” —Ed,
‘A PRYOR ISSUE
Lam che Direct
Jesor" ana I mst
Kind Of He (MAD: ‘A “TIMELESS” COVER
Boy, is TIME magazine desperat
THE PAC ME
Lc
TIME Gone MAD
What do you expect from Time, Back on
September 24, 1956
short-lived setifcel pulp
(OZBOURNE AGAIN
T woul fie
Somewhere USA
Page) that if he's
Shane E
Baer, B
Fronk Perdue will be very relieved to hear
this Ea,
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eplosie MAD C1se¥ ae SY falon Up le
Slo bes 1 td MAD Dossier of SP vs. SPY
SON MARTIN Steps Out tN MAD Cased SPY we SPY
SOON MARTIN Bounces Back 55h MAD Rept on SPY SP
Th ave Book or SY x SPY
IAMAD top Ols Mones
feta of MAD Od Movies
MH MARTIN Cones on Stone OMADertng
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MARTIN ages Aad AMND Guido Set inprovement
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(Minimum Order: $5.25) uo C'EST LE GERE DEPT.
You've heard about the creaky, old-fashioned movies your parents (and their parents) went
to see when they were your age? Well, those kind of simple-minded tear-jerkers are back!
Only this time, theyre loaded with steamy sex so they appear to be “contemporary”. But
take it from us, they're the same old tired films! Oh? You don't believe us? Well see for
yourself as you feast your eyes (while starving your brain) on our version of one example:
You lowife seu! —<—$—=$=
You crawling lee! At frst | don't ming it
vou testering bolts! | | worried about | ] because I know he's
"You stinkin’ pies | | the insults, trying to mold us—
‘of kaka | have the torture | | narden us~and make |
only on and the abuse Something! {gq You... you
say tothe sicken- | [he'd hand out! kalled three
ing likes of yout | ————— | Navy hundred of |] I'm talking
WELCOME...!! | [ Andnow...?? | pilots? the ENEMY?) “RECRUITS”: AN OFFICER .
AIN'T NO « ."
GENTLEMAN That's No... Amphetamine
Dad. Twant
okay | |_end Methadone!
to go to Navy
Pilot Officer's
Wahi You gott
be a college ‘Agricutture LJ that unshaven
grad to quality!) and Mineral? £3) that vulgert
Da
What's the matter?| [itis when
Isittoo hard for | | that place
you weaklings happens to
running in place?!? | | be a sewer!
aa oi
= AQ,
é i
of the flasnbacks...!
iook really
Mayhem, after that dumb || terrific try:
‘adhesive tape trick, 'm || ing to get 2
igonna derive a special || civilian job ZL
pleasure trom with a halreut
you out within a Tike tis...
‘Good idea, changing! That way, when we show up at the base for the
into our party dresees [| dance, they'll think we're debutantes instead
There inthe car!" | | of plain ordinary factory girls, huh, Maula?! ove
to.
you
smooth
talker!
sarees acer ot
sur dtaats, BP mye aly
wilson geen hope
fe Ss
You learned that You're a street Then you have
from watching Sgt. kid, aren't your [[But! ]| gotto
em No gent
pound guys LU neidentally,
it you ean't
shine upa
simple brass.
buckle, how
Wie got no use for
wheeler
around here! I'm
gonna make you
uit the Academy!
are you ever
Ws
strictly
cash ané
‘carry
Pal
tion! can
have one on UT Aw, you
Secount.-.? fy fink!
|] gonna handle
2 et plane?
Why don't you just
THROW ME out?!?
ae
‘Oh, nol!
That's not
nearly 25
‘dramatic
as forcing
you to quit
by break
‘You stinkin’ pile of body wastes!
‘You fungus on the rump of a dirty,
diceased rickshaw driver! You..
Yiknow..atieks
and stones may
break my bones—
Thanks for the
‘SUGGESTION!
Tl USE thern!
You ready =
to break [] an alcoholic bum anc your mother kill
yet, boy! []_ Youcome from a long line of "no-guts
you a question, Sergeant...”
You never let mein
_F not even Ef You can’t break me, no matter what you say!
CLOSE! A Bi
Loe
con anything personal [I Because | don't
in your fel Why?
a
us to get too ee
Don't mind himit
He's always hostile
toany guy who's,
having ile sex
with our daughter!
The VERY
f_riest? ee
‘GLA '™ iegitimate! ty real father
was an Air Cadet like you! He
‘deserted my mother before | was
‘bara! One thing | feel bad about
CaN
TKNEW mine!
‘What
terrible |)
him, ang you
know the terrible thing py _in the
that happened to me! []_mirrort
Wel. the daddy's sperm
‘swims all around until t
finds the mommy's eee
that bape,
nets” A
You idiot
| thought Zap)
you were cu
asking me
‘about my
automobile
insurance!
nat happened?!
Tm quitting, 1" I panicked when |
11 wasn't [] took off my oxygen
tout to be |! “mask at 35,000 | | answerl!
pilot! |] fest! No GOOD pilot
ould do that!
Hey! Why not
Tgot the ] | Then, | could
always get 2
Bea || job working
BAD | | for one of the
pilot! airlines!
TI bought you an
engagement ring!
How sweet! But
there seems to be
@ speck of dirt oF
something... right
‘smack dab in the
midale of it)
‘my small town, where you'l
:00k, sew and do my laundry!
‘And then, when the baby comes,
you'll feed i, bathe i and
wash its dlapers! And when |
come home from work, supper— Why? WHY? Why does eventing Teame | [ Tanks You caused his
MMtaraie, decry or turn horny ugly? | aot!
death with al
‘your bullying!
rm going to
make you pay
fori
‘No, you won't, Sergeant Fooley, because
ve Bot a score to settle with you
fo g0t Sid's memory to fight for.
‘and I've got right on my side...!
there's one thing you AIN'T got!
sea fot Throwing ou fats aa gad
>) we 3 tation is the Navy's oldest tration!
‘And spending the rest of the day
finding them fs the second oldest!
Thanks, Sergeant... for everything! You
taught me something lever knew before!
—
Do you know of any
OTHER way of becoming
‘2 Navy Pilot's WIDOW
‘What's that, gp [ «That a EUNUCH can
Sir? become a Navy Pilot!
Soolctne
cit waunantern | DONTE? /NRAV ONS
ARON
HOVOCK oe
2 0
Sun Te IMPORTANT CLUES TO LOOK FOR WHICH MAY INDICATE A PENDING ATOMIC ATTACK
CLUE NO. 1—Pltiians stan avg the county! an CLUENO. 2—Emergency broadcast tests increase! CLUENO. 3-They begin polishing air raid sirens! CLUENO. 4 mae aeernatiarte
—
jbooonG }
aa rupee iA
=
tated expemcnceop
WARDENS
WANTED
CLUE NO. 7—A curious shadow suddenly looms larger ant “@ i larger and.
fin fly Fin
fo
ut first @ word Irom our eponsort THE ATOMIC FLASH IS DEVASTATING SO —_— INSTEAD, MAKE SURE YOU GET ALL THE
WHATEVER YOU DO. DO NOT LOOK AT IT! PROTECTION FROM THE FLASH YOU CAN!
a
THE THUNDEROUS ROAR OF THE BLAST WILL BE HEARD HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY!
a, | - l a wea IF YOU SEE A BLINDING FLASH, DIVE ...BUT MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU
TO THE NEAREST CURB AND LAY PRONE! ARE AT GROUND LEVEL AT TH
i x Ce VISA VERSES DEPT.
LET'S TAKE AN INSIDE ay
LOOK AT THE CURRENT
ADMINISTRATION WITH “Uy, GERMANS
w* 7
NI T ARMENIANS URBAN ON THE ROCKS DEPT.
It doesn’t tai genius to see that our cities are in big trouble these days.
Mass Transit is in a shambles, streets are caving in around us, and employee
Productivity is down. Take a look at this typical city to see what we,mean...
4 Wested Manpower
$A due To Idle Fi
2
ig Gas-Guzzling
Police Patrol Cars|
Now for the really bad news. When you turn this page, you're going to see some
of the dumbest ideas, proposals and solutions ever conceived in an article called
MAD'S SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW OUR
CITIES CAN SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS
(While Clearing A Little Extra Cash On The Side!) pools into giant Breeding Tarms Tor Tok
‘big money to be made in selling sea food
8 and, best of all, out-of-work ilfeguards could cor
the
the city would have a
ed
snappy
building to sell while the
unemployed people will
feel useful and not notice|
how long they have to
wait to sign for a check.
Turnstiles placed every five blocks down the
the street! Let the paraders pay for the privilege of
Imessing up the city's traffic and sanitation schedul high-rise office and apart
ment buildings. The city
| and firemen could spiit
q | whatever they make 50-50.
<{ Forget spending milion
SS) to repave, get celebrities:
to sign the potholes! If
to see your local
“Celebrity Potholes!”
Sure, double Parking
ilogas but os tong 8,
motorists are going te do
Ter were
Be ares toed pen
docile he poral iets.
SS i a
Load up police car trunks with letiers, parcels, pizzas
anything that needs quick, same-day delivery service.
Since police have to drive through neighborhoods anyway,
‘and have the extra advantage of being able to use ther
siren, they'll be able to give cheaper and faster service
B|than any local messenger service while turning big,
profits for both themselves and the city’s emply cot ena Ueno alk
GE NaS
BAUR la
aaa seat iat
CTA aT)
ate ate Vs NL aS UCN
7 M - GAG ORETCH, CST ea
“THE DISCHARGE DAY ACCOUNTING
Ui ae a SHOOTING STARS DEPT.
See omen Re Ma iccM AN -r- Uae oa are ouster aCe) Ue SM Noo
Perea Pea Catto Re aie tant -liate ies kw Taal Ma un a
fora temornnetas cca ais Gt RUM aCe Coane tL
ASA ect
ITO “BUTS” CALAMARI WILMER “ANIMAL” MUNGLER JE “SHARK YANAA SHAMUS “HULA” EPSTEDN
Fort Wayne, Inia ‘huntsvile, Alabama hoe, Arizona Chicago, Minis
Spaciaty: Missle Command Specay: Fremy Spacay Detender ‘Speci: Berar
o-week stretch Barly in his earee A money player, Yamaha nets An aspiring mobster, Epstein
wom his aeclaim at Centep around $200" week by” sp considers every Berzerk game
whe the lesser players 20.000 ‘machine his yworn enem.
al player to eliminate the points and offeri fore playing his first game.
crawling monster by throwing them w hhe warned Eyil Otto there
‘brick through the sereen, hind his back ontraet
Now a Frenzy fanatic. he cant Hose, du oke the tin
wipe out am average of 300010 h zerk record by one
robots per his nose, Bare points. Aft
feach trump arcades for ‘Yamaha, Ty wiped out, Epstein swore
and earesha has used his winnings 10 pat revenge on the machine. Two
KILL! KILL! a Defender game in his use: days later, i wis found at
tion isto play TWO Missile vvity named “Alabama Player of ment, where daily he hustles the bottom of Lake M
ames simultaneous, while the Year".after which he transistors ripped out
tindergoing brain surgery. was declared totally insane both “MasterCard” and "Visa and a rock tied around i
24 ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE the new video games. Well, one day those old fogies will see the light, and Pac-
EUR tet SRC Rar lil) toe etalon an eee eid Wie tare Rate oom
Wa Colne oe alo Rn Lac arlu RM trols an lm nested ais STS
Marea alee tae
ALIRON MAR ABGLY
Escondido, Caltneia
Specaty: Tempest
Known throughout Southern
T
California as “The Mara:
thon Man.” Argly set a nee
West Coast record for bat
Tor seventy
ative hours,
inthe faces neck und chest.
D as
sASPER “FLAKE” PRYNQUE WANDA “EASY” BAXDALE COSMO “HEX” KLEEVER
New York, New York Harton, Comectcu Spokane, Mashington
Spacany: Frogoer Speciaty Pac lan
Tiwally spaced out of tudes, rology myst
grass, cocaine and “Crazy a i
a 2 Pace
: e pulls 6 hairs from his head.
P 70.000-plus. scores
yer. In sruth, he is
.
: score of 6,666,660, Keever
was born an the 6th day of
. because
i ver. they still
their place ss the wouldn't be caught dead with
her behind the change booth,
rightful rulers of the Earth
WRITER: FRANK JACOBS BABY —
He refused io
DION =
‘adage.
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT.
THE LIGHTE
GROWING UE:
Hi, Dadi I'm back }
ea JOB QUALIFICATIONS
R SIDE Cl.
MODERN MORALITY.
rabody Pi Really. | got rd of feat
ney. 2 bogus show tte mel] S| cane the Supermarket!
oe uss WISDOM
STATUS CONCLUSIONS
ran ae aes roa al ‘a mace
SACRIFICES
Tve just boen reading about ded to give it You're going to el —[Reaoina
the terrible things that can, opus cnow and i a up smoking pot? On,
happen tormeif smoke pot! | -_E | [farswonbenruct | [oot
nr - |
First ot me see the CHECK.
‘then Tl tell you NAGGING
Hurry wet) (know! | know! (ee Ou
We're gon lot's (tase ny ait
late! fe roles!
(Gan 1 go on an overnight camp:
ing trip with Charlie McGill?
eS) >
Fy j ‘
= As any psych salt (or his $75 an hour) realistically. The trouble is that most of us don't do will tell you, we'd all be a lot better off if we view- it that way. We're either overly optimistic and assume ed our lives, our expectations and our daily problems that everything will turn out all right, when it probab- A MAD LOOK AT THE OPTIMISM, PESSI Upon hearing an insect buzzing around inside his moving car . . . the Realist stops the car... the Optimist rolls up the windows, in the Pessimist drives straight ‘and rolls down the case it's a species of rare tropical moth mortuary'so he'll be ready for imim 2 wasp. that might escape before he can sell it. embalming in case it's a “Killer Bee.” Upon being told by her date that she looks exactly like Cheryl Tiegs . . . the Realist knows exactly what the the Optimist takes the very next the Pessimist worries that any Buy hopes to accomplish by telling her plane to New York City to seek fame kidnapper who may have plans to grab such lies, and accepts or rejects him. and fortune as a professional model, Chery! Tiegs will get her by mist m4 or we're overly pessimistic and assume that blissful optimists and the most gloomy pessimists are everything will turn out all wrong, when some of it may the last ones to realize that their view of the world actually turn out all right. Unfortunately, the most is cockeyed. So, to straighten all you clods out, here's IFFERENCES BETWEEN Upon seeing the words, “For a good time, call G i 5 Z the Realist knows this the Optimist showers and puts on a the Pessimist dutiful is some prankster’s attempt suit before calling the number, in case he’s sure that Gertie's a be to harrass an innocent girl. Gertie invites him to come right over. sure that shelll turn him down flat regardless. Upon hearing a prolonged, high-pitched bleep broadcast over the radio. . . the Realist figures it's just the Optimist figures it's the latest the Pessimist figures It @ Civil Defense test, and waits “punk rock" hit, and is overjoyed that raid alert, and spends the next month for regular programming toresume he's one of the first to have heard it, ina cellar waiting for the “all clear.” > Ly AS the Realist introduces her as... the Optimist assumes that his friend the Pessimist gives his friend all hhiscompany's "Reglonal Manager” is there with a strange woman too, and the cash he has, and promises to make and then hopes for the best. begins anticipating a group-fun evening. another blackmail payment in two weeks. Upon hearing that his plane can’t take off until the morning because of the fog . . . ) AIR POR yYou might also like
