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\ enclose $10.75* Please send a tpn
12 Issue GIFT SUBSCRIPTION T0:
NAME
ADDRESS,
crry =
STATE 2p
AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT BLAMING
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ny
5. Fans pay
| enclose $10.75* Please send a
: 12 Issue GIFT SUBSCRIPTION TO:
NAME.
ADDRESS.
ciry___
STATE zip
AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT BLAMING NUMBER 228 JANUARY 1982
If at first you don’t succeed...you're about normal!
Alfred E, Neuman
WILLIAM M.GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor
LEONARD BRENNER ar! director TOM NOZKOWSKI production
NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOHN FICARRA associate editor
GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI subscriptions
JACK ALBERT lawsuits, ANNE GRIFFITHS logistics
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS
the usual gang of idiots
DEPARTMENTS
ALITTLE BO PEEK DEPARTMENT
Don Martin Looks At Tarzan's “Jane
ANOTHER TURKEY DEPARTMENT
Give Thanks
A TURN OF THE SCROOGE DEPARTMENT
"A Christmas Carol O'Conner” Or "A Visit
To Starchie Bonker’s Place” (A MAD TV Show Satire)
BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side Of
HIGH MOON DEPARTMENT
utlandish” (A MAD Sci-Fi Movie Satire)
KILL OF RIGHTS DEPARTMENT
'AMAD Look At Discrimination
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
“Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones
LETTERS DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail
MIDNIGHT MESS DEPARTMENT
The 1981 Night Before Christmas
NIXED PIX DEPARTMENT
Family Snapshots They Never Put In The Album.
PANNED PARENTHOOD DEPARTMENT
The National Parents Test
STRIKE UP THE BLAND DEPARTMENT
The Nice New Uncontroversial National Enquirer
‘THE EMPIRE STRIKES IT RICH AGAIN DEPARTMENT
Raiders Of A Lost Art” (A MAD Movie Satire).
YULE BE SORRY DEPARTMENT
Where Your Christmas Dollar Goes
ZODIACS MURDER DEPARTMENT
Your MAD Horoscope
"Various Places Around The Magazine
Seen SL a aan ener eae eee
inguin, aext your subeonaiin"eoSTMAGTER: san sdareneeNanas So MAD 48
sone ee uname ana etre wil nt fa
VITAL FEATURES
“A
CHRISTMAS
CAROL
‘O'CONNER”
(AMAD TV
Satire)
BEFORE
CHRIST.
MAS
Look
aT
DISCRIM-
INATION
DON
MARTIN
LOOKS
aT
TARZAN’S
JANE”
Pg. 10
“OUTLAND-
ISH"
(amaD
‘Sci-Fi
Movie
Satire)
Pg. 24
“RAIDERS
OFA
LOST ART”
(amaD
‘Movie
Satire) LETTERS DEPT.
SUPERDUPER MAD
"Superduperman 11° was us sg
nately. ad
No Name
Somewhere, USA
our "Superduperman 117 was
reat! Bui, then again, 1 like skid row
Brian Alber
Collingswood, NJ
Quick! Somebody sue MAD be
perduperman TH” soars into being
Michael Tavares
E, Taunton, MA
Liked your cover with Superman in his
tunderwear But why didn’t you have him in
Superman Uinderoos?
Brian Scot
‘Overland Park, KS.
Liked the lle pig hit Moct Drucke
dew in the third panel of “Superdupermaa
IW The only problem. is the pg had
Hebrew jes on its backs and f don
rea Hebrew. Any idea -what the leters
Mary Whiting
Richmond, VA
We don't know, but whatever i is we're
betting isn't "kosher ea
psf ea “step
pets Penta pet a
pepe rae it tee aieerie ee
Allan it
Oman CANADA
ALSO% Ti Bene, Paarl NY
Nay Conurs hituergye Nite Deed
Ghetias Graig CANADA: Chis Hike
Se eden
Mill TN; Josh Shackman, Ann Arbor Mi
Vite OSI! Cae Gevdem MO: Joe
Cine, Orone ‘Bek NY tea, Dia
fia fan we: Abas CAN
AOR Cia ich, esings Ml, Bean
Marion Glenda CAs ik labint
Melon tk
“STUFF WE DON’T GET
TO SEE ON THE TUBE”
A soap opera marriage that lasts mote
ha three month,
Mike Chalds
Upland, CA.
A orally. inexperienced person at
tempting to deliver 4 baby, making a mis:
take, and accidentally killing it
Barry Dutter
Scotch Plains, NJ
A jock who siys""Hi Dad” instead
“Hi Mom” whenever the ca
Big Rog Kae
Firmingion Hills, MI
EQUAL TIME
I am sick and tired of my sister, Cathy,
getting all the exposure in MAD. First it
‘was her babs picture in ise 243, and then
her wedding pictare ini 25. What's
next hes deal eae? esc yay
wedding piccures I demand equal time
‘Cathy. teas right about one thing
ing your picture on the Letters Page
definitely the only real ava
the publishers daughter
‘Wendy Gaines Bucc
MADison, WI
TN oe
The Lovely Wendy Gaines As A Baby
eho Re A Did
Sara ak ae a eae
FUTURE SCHLOCK
Re
our version of
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
and
FAMILY FE
plus
‘AMAD LOOK AT LOUSY
KISSERS
‘and...lots mare garbage from the
usual gang of contibuting iio!
‘il in MAD #229. On sale Dec. 28
(don’t say we didn’t warn you!)
2
“THE LIGHTER SIDE OF 800.8008"
Dave Berg may have a "Berg’+ Eye View
of things, but he s also as blind asa bat In
“The Lighter Side OF Obedicnce” he drew &
cigarette commetcial on the TV screen
There hasn't been an ad for cigarettes on
television in years
Doug Penning
Buffalo, NY
WHAT'S YouR SIGN?
My stars!"Your MAD Horoscope”
most celestial bit of preen cheese fo 4
Tucson, AZ
MALE CALL”
his isthe second letter Ihave sent 0
you requesting. chat you stop using. the
fame “Bruce” as-one for gay, hairdressers,
innetior decorators, ete. (You obviously
lost” my fits leter) For awhile, ch
you had stopped. Then along <
#226, page 4
Brace (far ftom gay) Arnold
British Columb CANADA
Cut it with the gay jokes, We gee enough
pas iis
fan Igus
Males, MT
sa mualtORE “MISTAKES”
nur "How Many Mistakes Can You Fi In
This Picure?": 1) The eleciial system is
working perfec: 2) No one i ying
Sneak fiend through a side exit
Randy Case)
Maddllewown, PA
Mistake
Dchorah Harry appears to
Andy Cimin
Baldwin, NY
“AMERICAN JOKES THEY
‘ARE TELLING IN POLAND”
Another “American Joke They're Telling
In Poland”: Whit do jou call a wino with
an LQ of 3? The editor of MAD!
Blair Powers
Iraat, TX
For your information, the editor of MAD is
not @ wine. He eats only heath feods, jogs
five miles 0 doy ond exercises daily. He
does, however, have on LQ. of 3.—Ed,
“OUR PLEDGE”
10 “Ove Pledge” of issue $226 Dick
DeBartolo lee out an importane promise
‘We promise wo give you so much ke in
sue Cup that there wont be any room lft
for soda
Brie Hymocvitg
Spring Valley, NY
How about a MAD writers pledge: "We
show some imagination when
old jokes and materi
Dave Witt
Northville, MI
That's @ promise they could never keep!—
ts
Please Address All Correspondence To:
MAD, Dept, 228, 485 MADizon Avenue
New vork, New York 10022 WE'VE COME UP WITH ANOTHER
RF ECCH YF
FOR YOUR
ECCH-IMAS GIFT LIST! ne
tos cane
a erent eid 3
GIVE ANY OR ALL
ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN
MAD
PAPERBACK BOOKS
FOR CHRISTMAS!
(THEY'RE AN ECCH-CEPTIONAL VALUE!)
use coupon or duplicate...
PLEASE SEND THE MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS | HAVE CHECKED BELOW T
Mat NAME
485 MADison Ave., ADDRESS
NewYork, N.Y. |) oy
10022
STATE, _____ ZIP CODE.
AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT ALONG WITH THEM BLAMING:
PLEASE SEND ME THESE IDIOTIC MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW:
Bicker! “igintat
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Tass wees or Sle (Minimum Order: $4.50) Money Order preteced! Merery
cenristmas
“Hen heh
heh to
everybody!
A TURN OF THE SCROOGE DEPT.
Many years ago, arles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” Scrooge was visited by
ghosts who frightened him into examining his life and changing his ways. Well,
this year at Christmas time, we feel it’s appropriate for another colorful char-
acter to reflect back on his deeds and see whether he is truly behaving in the
spirit all his TV fans have come to expect of him. So join us now as we visit
n'a Wyeah, that's
Happy |] it Have a
Yamana || happy one
been Yuletide
shoppin" Wait
you see what | got
‘What's wrone with HI figure “Good
that? They may ve |] Will Toward. |] my ex-Jewish part
‘come out on the wen it |} ner who was written
Wall iitain't Whats eatin
‘everybody
Pralee atipsat | shot ent te crtneseneat || ‘evoU, | Sinead’ | Youve somsn, |
Seale Meee dere ees facmceneeiaead IIncenel faced airtel
teviseoGanen | ivaujsicaue. | Veymateles | tyostorppesty Pellyoumeansa]] whet ELSe
: ontatoenncean frees? | 'ishweeain (vou [sou'euy: || woud twan
Toute teang??
wisthe gangand |] mean a
wanyouamenry Hi ‘Heppy
Chriatinas, Starch!
1 jwant to wieh |] |” you
YoubougntaJap- W gut thought you Happy Chinese
anese product?” [] HATED the Japs!
New Year!”
Starchie, ook
Umea Happy
who's here!
JJchanukan: [|chanukahet? betel |
eq &
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“STARCHIE BONKER Nahiih tain’
Hey, s Christmas
ime! The Lord said,
"Good Will Toward
A Mer" guess
He meant toward all
He meant toward y
shatters || egetieet || tr
TE Why don
mutt tie that? [Thats
you youve been @
great Housekeeper |
va tert help.
‘Nahi, im goone
hit the sack!
Ginight an’
Merry Christmas,
Steppie! (yawn)
Merry Christmas,
==! Mrs. campy!
‘Aimost! tm the Creator
of your TV Series ..!
Don't you know me?
'm Norman Leer
the CREATOR!
Tam the fist of
the Spints that
will visityou
tonight! We are
here £0 show you
the error of your
ways, SitCom-wise!
The CREATOR?I?
You mean you're
ALMIGHTY GOD?
‘lies
2s ghosts!
Those shows went
‘through te oof! lay of,
NOW you have su
episodes lke
Starchie Helps
Steppie With Her
Science Homework"
"Edict Has Menopause,” Meathead
Geez! You Hobe
Producers are
all alike! All
you thinkabout
Whiy pick on met!
Why don’tyou £0
haunt Tim Conway
‘r Diek Van Dyke?!
They each had 3 or
4shows that went
into the crapper!
Teantaloupe is sowed torrpen and
mellow! A STAR of series pulling
140,000 an episode has to Keep on
being a SIDE-SPLITTING FUNNY BIGOT!
NOW we're get-
ting someplace!
THAT'S the old
Starchie Bonker
America loved! Youre not
here for
eternity!
Tram the Ghost
of Laughs Past!!
Tmnotreally
dead! Iwentto
SitCom Heaven!
Editi thought
youwere dead an’
Edict! te MB uptherein
that YOUR,
up there
| never lied to you, Starchie! You're just not funny
anymore! You're not bigoted! You're not insensitive!
Remember the laughs we used to have at my expense?
Remember that classic “Edict Has Menopause” episode?
gonna havelt You got thirty
seconds. 1!
CHANGE. it
th,
mise you, Edict! Whatare Pr reameto
You alwaye had 2 youdoing [tell you
kind word for me! down here, fF your show
you were always is THE
so sweet and nice! JE nice... een TSI!
Es _ ae carne
Bort apologize! Me You ALSO
Itwas SCREAMS! ff aughs with
twas YOCKS...!_ 8 shocking new
‘SOUNDS! Do
when America a
first heard
this... 77?
Edict... now that
you're dead, | just
wanna tell you how ‘See? THAT got laughs! ean! remember! joining the Ghost of Ratings
We had the redneck i the Ghost of Laughs Past
hinatie fringe and || ppaessteensnemomammenty ighten you into changing your
the KKK in the ‘Awe, chee whiz! Nov ways. or should I say "SPOOK"
laugh trackon OUR show! | first25 rows, and ot me COLORED Gho: You into changing your ways,
We alwaysdid it before $| the Pinko-Liberals at's ALL | need
in the baleony! integrated nightmares!
at's the paint, Gonker! and Now eome with me down ™ Do you know #l Sure! Ithad some.
YOU used to say thin youcalied ff bigotryinto the Bigotry Lane! Remember $f WHY that fM thing foreveryone.
Tike that! You we! Spades f open, it brought THIS classic, “A seene was the Blacks, the
King of the Racial Slt gf Spade! ff Stark realism to From Sammy Davis, Je." so popular?
‘You heaped abuse on Japs, $€ loved! ff television, and
Jews and the Queers!
mainly it brought
‘You DID? [f me my own seriest
Right! And that kis amg Yes, andin Bay Right! And
climaxed a show where [vou ghoste are aliesin' fl YOUR case, since 46% of
you played a hilarious Mf the point of my new show! B that sad MAD Readers
bigot! The ethnic in- Mf Wie lke to blend.asmile man isthe Well at least ‘don’t know
sults kept on coming J AND ateart Y'know what (President it's WHITE, what we're
‘and the laughs thoy say.-."Bohind every of CBS! So uy searin’ the talking about,
kept on coming, toot 3 lama pants fice [g_ let's skip to
woes off me now! Jé.tne next panel Well, Starchie? Have Mightbe a mistake! jg Come
Yousean tie rorat Sony. crest wine
Vourways? Novos MM outlet’ fl Nabil tgweican || ‘ona
Teadyto go backto changing tm fl coastforsord” | journey
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racslalra wees | metecsteen” fi elrene some
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ploceoncemore a=, ite “Punk Rock || Where,
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wouldn't [Let me put ——
doany. itthis way! INCELLED! Your
thing I You know the ude," “Welcom
drastic, Back, Kotter” and
would Jf immediately Son’”~nas gone down to obliv-
they? before you? Ton ina flame of mediocrity
Mery ‘What's so MERRY abaut iv! We got an Actorin
Christmas | | _ the White House! We got Kikes caus inflation!
Morning, || _We got Beaners sneakin’ across our borders, an
Uncle | | Dagos ciaimin’ they discovered America, an’ Pinko- |
Starchiet || Athiests shuttin’ down our nuclear power plants!" |
‘The CBS They've ust gotten in the Ratings!
Exceutive [{ Your show came out 58th... beaten
Offices —
six months
fromnow! 4 § an
What's ])[ Lome Greene
allthe Who eversaid
commotion || Lome Greene
‘about? was funny?
[Tom Yoo
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don't want my show
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ic
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mis || (essen
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Hallelu- | | _Bigotea
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RIIN “¢*
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B
a ae » STRIKE UP THE BLAND DEPT.
‘There are two things that can make you sick at a supermarket check-out counter:
One is the price of the food you just bought and the other {s the cover of the
“National Enquirer.” However, recently, the "Enquirer" has been besieged by
law suits brought by angry celebrities over alleged untrue, libelous gossip items
and slanderous articles. So what's a successful sensationalistic tabloid to do
to avoid further litigation and stay in business? What else?! Pull in its horns,
tone down its rhetoric, lighten up its content and clean up its act! And when that
happens, we can happily expect the “Enquirer” to look something tke this:
THE NICE NEW UNCONTROVERSIAL -
NATIONAL fF CS
ENQUIRER 7-) 2.
LARGEST CIRCULATION OF ANY PAPER IM AMERICA, BUT GOING DOWN Millionaires Burt Reynolds and Clint Eestwood
Nee)
RUE ately
CRE ms :
INHERITANCE SPLIT Jehan Carson fara Feweett Hos
Devoted His Porents A NeorGenius LQ.
PC ee
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na
Senator's Wife
Says Nobody In
Washington
Commits
‘American Kids
‘Are The World’s
Best-Behaved And
‘Most Unselfish
page 9
‘Over 90% OF All
Married Couples
In Hollywood Are
Extremely Happy
page 15
10 Antidotes For
Nausea Resulting
From Reading
Sickening Sweet
Enquirer Articles
page 25
Ru TER: DENNIS SNE HELPING
CP ND
BERG's-EVE VIEW DEPT.
aes eens
ASSERTIVENESS
‘Wo! I mean STOP READING
THOSE STUPID ARTICLES! LI Slee OR.
VALUES THE TELEPHONE What's the matter?
wr
erying? vendo You hl, ou hg
‘schlep! Why don't you
use» SHOPPING CART, a
There's a lot of gloom at = Yeah. childhood tragedies
cour house these days! Our| 4 Tike that an teave a sear
fitteenyearold-dog has. rm ‘that lasts 8 Tong long time!
J
‘This happened to me LAST YEAR MIDNIGHT MESS DEPT.
sa RELIANT
same Ona CE
the night before Christmas, and one thing was clear—
That old yuletide spirit no longer was here;
jing; the crime ra ‘rippling;
ills were up, and our mortgage was crippling:
ARTIST: HARRY NORTH
ry > re) \
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
Was caught in our eight-foot electrified fence;
He called out, “I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!”
Said 1, “If you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!”
iS
led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
And he poured out the following tale of despair;
“On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
But now ‘neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling”
belts, despite my objections,
And bring in the sleigh twice @ year for inspections!
is it P
But, lo, as his presence grew clearer to me,
T'saw in the glare that it just might be he!
I called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
And without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
Although I would like to continue to use them,
The wildlife officials believe I abuse them?
“Last April my workers came forth with demands,
‘And I soon had a general strike on my hands;
couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
So the missus and I did the work by ourselves And then, later on, came additional trouble—
An avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
My Allstate insurance was worthless, because
‘They had shrewdly slipped in a “no avalanche” clause.
“And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
Flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
Not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
Taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead”
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
And I couldn't help notice @ tear in his eye;
“I've tried,” he declared, “to reverse each defeat,
But I fear that today I've become obsolete!”
"And after that came an LR.S. audit;
‘The government claimed I was out to defraud it;
‘They finally nailed me for 65 grand,
Which I paid through the sale of my house and my land””
“My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
1 got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
It's from flying too close to a nucl
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
And these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
“No longer can I do the job that’s required;
Hf anyone asks, just say, ‘Santa's retired!” NIXED PIX DEPT.
LUNES TH Wane
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(GOOD TIME! Tim nat goine to trick yout
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Tellme, |} 24tAndinthe That's s0, 3 ‘Timon, Doe! How
Dr, Laziness. | the corpses Welldothe ] | bad canthey be?
now many float around bestweean, | —<—————>
workers have | | inthe 6 mont inthe heav- but! better | [ You know the last
‘before that, 3! ‘ens, people wamyou-..!| | guywho exploded |
on Earth wll Youdont get | ~ istoabilion |
think they're
STARS!
“DROWNING”!
very good Doe-|] pieces? His death |
tors out her’ | | was diagnosed as pa
Hoo-boyl think LZ Here's the motecul
the computeris [>] It's “polyphono viny!.. 2 highly
trying totellus PS) toxicehemical used in the making,
there was afor- HJ of LP. records! Taken as a “drug,”
ign substance [&] ‘ilirnates persone mataboarh
EY ‘isthe vctir's [speed up rom 33%, toast tell
KX sioos stream! |®|_ do12 hours ot work n@ hours!
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Break-dowal
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spotted Sputta fe} on‘or | | ‘Tons seutne
dealing in 0 Producers want
drugs about | | LONG? | | the audience to
How deeply
areyou | [WHAT drug racket?!”
see them all
Hey... what's f= But why Well, they're =
H| |_cotngon...2 fd istns’ | [—aecaseme sre seeing Spatta here threw some
ef] chose | | streiortne | | themalttthe waluable evidence ito
Marshall just
take your mind oft |
involved ‘Oh, what's the: the game!!WON! | 3] What do you want... ?
it, but was able to
retrieve it in time!
By the way, what kind
‘Of soup IS this?
"Okay, soyou found out
out my drug scheme!
Pou mention > fhe other way! N
\
sat 1S with guys ike LI They just send you from ONE dump to [tiust | {” Yes, he said, “Arrrggggh...yagggh:
eiriiarresiehabg [)-AOTHERY Win ore hope found But seriously, he left this message:
Super-Cop, what are vou to got for all your trouble, anyway” Monotone [a -Pesdtnctan® Seems prety suenge
doing HERE? The Company | Goran Peale Sere bay Sore
digit send you here 2. | [Baekto | [ The ULTIMATE DUI he say ee dee canoe
REWARD torjoursorsess: | | Eon | | “someting You ery ing strana
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4 i Gied + LT Who asked your opinion? i {Up yours.
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{tere tom Me the WIRE Re Thank Goumy oat Ungmerttetnes ie ‘Shephard... ] | That's gonna Et No. that's
inthe Food [he's using BJ Wifeleftmea 4 that mish were an ACCOUNTANT quesswnat! | | costyou two how much
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being overstarched | 2// Kenipmentot Plumber
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‘any
messages
‘or
8
Yes. And are
you in trouble. PME Shlephard called a guy named Bullies
‘Your goose is at the Space Station. He's sending
really cooked. =" two men on the next shuttle to kill
Youre up the a ‘and no one on Hilo Is going to
creck without} | 4 help you. Have anice day. Ha haha.
SSSa ee a ——
i
ci — Lg \
ua 2) ei
ve
q tf
peo te | | NE
ss oe (a ate
Sy Just give me my messages, wise aleck!
always arrives late!
TEfigurest For years, the shuttle
‘But the one
‘my KILLERS arrives EARLY!
it However... the
luggage missed
this fight and
will arrive on
the nextone— Kf wien oF the passengers the guns VmHITt! Boy, those Here, etme Et no, but I brought
‘coming off the shuttio and all the ammunition killers have sophis: 2 Doctor's note
? rs me cia ticated weapons I've ‘asking that you
IN Cuca Come Sea neverscen bulets go. Mf Did you bring
‘are my two kilers
- around corners before! [bandages
Han! Now.Tve pulleatne Bassoeget=!
depressur for, and the ‘Same stunt on theother [And always
tiller inside isn't wearing 2 illed Except that! got WW thought that
Space Suit He explodest t's himtoshootat me trom fl ‘Vegetables
the ultimate inflated ego!
SL cee gE
That won't work! =! Well, fyou MUST
Seal offallthe | ffl know. 'm going out
exits butone! ffl side to continue t
‘Outside ff chase! The audiencs
hhas SEEN all the
interior sets! Now
they'll get to see
the exterior sets!
Inside the Groenhouse were GOOD
‘causing the entire place
to suddenly depressurize! “hea: ritht
otonlyishe [P"Cirovand Pan, Thave good] {Wilyam, MTove good news for
te, but he has. ‘news for you! My work on HiHo yout Pall and (have talked
| “is tinished! As you view this, Hover and we're sorry we
‘amalready on my way tothe {-} leftyouon Mito! Asyou view
‘this, we are already on our
Space Station to jin you on
th way back to join you there!
Dullard come A cower unites
tomy rescuel! MEH so the LAST SET!
but computers have to have some fun once in a While, too. oe MAD eee rice eee
f they don’t make you kiss those weird
ves that you only see on Thanksgiving.
ANOTHER TURKEY DEPT.
u_don't get stuck sitting -rotten lit sins - if no one pinches your cheeks -
i Grandmother who drools. ing of value and tells you how big you're geting. - GIVE — FOR ON THANKSGIVING
- if your Uncle, who smokes thos: - if that bitter old family feud doesn’t
Simclly clgais, cam't make it this year. rupt atthe dinner table aguin this year.
= - «if your widowed Aunt doesn't start. . . if you remembered to stock up. . . if nothing you've eaten today is
exying over her husband who died in ’61. on stomach remedies the day before. found to cause cancer in rats tomorrow. 5, PANNED PARENTHOOD DEPT.
HEY THERE, KIDS! YOU TAKE TESTS ALL THE TIME TO SEE HOW GOOD YOU ARE! IS
AND WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DESERVE A GOOD TEST (AMONG OTHER THINGS) MORE
THE NATIONA
‘To Determine Your Parents’ Rating, Select The Comment They Are Most Likely To Maj
4 UU @® [ray That's |
Iseethat you FF] i'ssivays [) You pit fyou don’ right
washed sorrecot | | apieasure || march right back nto don't
Yournandsand | | tohave the | |the bathroom and wash have any
face! nant to vouro nt eating at i] sucyino
compliment you THIS table! You can wo do
onyour effort! stave forall cave tonight!
You're going to fail
every subject! You'll
never get out of High
the rest of my if!
jsuosed ae3 pue --* spr Auupys Auew os 99s nok Ay SaeuL,
1s0tu oddns Jo PUD
(©) atamsnv
pue omsue jo odAt yensm au 51 S14,
(9) :wamsNY
[RESTARTED | ®), :
:. a) ( ©
THE t c You never PICK UP any-[] Maybe there's
STARTED IT! a thing! You never HANG UP || something
ot anything! And you want me
HE || your heads t v to buy you MORE clothes?!
STARTED You-you can walk around
im NAKED for all | care!! and see
STARTED ff eting them || to-
Tt t ulld up!
{SPD 10} you" * AjayeUNOUN * siuased 104 jou
uteti: onieq aue speay on 2PU oxoud 01 S90 YOIyM
2 (v) aaMSNV
jexeo Kota HOMIN MOH 898 [1.04 pur ‘poyeu punoxe Burqer
ZAMWL SNE 1989 OC SIuaieg {StF JO Puom e and}teq 3,10
(@):uaMsNV N'TIT ABOUT TIME YOU GAVE A TEST TO SEE HOW GOOD SOME OTHER PEOPLE ARE?!
THAN YOUR PARENTS?!? SO HERE’S YOUR BIG CHANCE TO FINALLY RATE THEM WITH... .
Le
WRITER: STAN HART
ke In The Following Situations, Then Compare It To Correct Answer Below Each Panel
A) ©)
Have a[] You're going out
looking like THAT?!?
How can you expect,
a decent Boy to have
any respect ior you?! |
jst ebeuoes oy] ssaup 01 BusAn axe oy ‘sronOW
J19yp o¥1 exou ssoxp pinoys sib oBeuee “BuTueO
(@) -Wamsnv
©
You NEVER WALK that
dog! A fat lot YOU care
about that poor animall
‘Why don't we just give
him away {0 someone wo
after your
favorite
‘wll teat him tight?
suBius Aaya AON ATIVE 94,n04 PUY
(0) aamsNY
©,
even though he's
nol out favorite
"00 ike him
doar, that's
allthat matters!
back here! This
will no longer
be your home!
as
fimou owioy snod sagt sy j¢n0)
aomsup sii 3,us90q,
(9) taMSNV
Lf
idea ,szomnow se sendod sp aq saqau jim keg ssoueg
‘Ayan Suosvou x3 Jo auo saxexisnyit Aseayo YoIUM.
(v) amsnv A)
Just think how
much better
NEXT term!
(8)
oh, well!
You can’t
"twill be wit
all, dear!
©)
‘RETIN! Lazy
SLOB! Now, what
‘am I going to
tell my FRIENDS?!
HHownoyy anoA Wosy BuryaAue reay 01 eK 3,uop AaKL, fare
Tok Aen ath Ass 01 NOA 10} BuIBBnid ose ,spuolap, 201
(0) :wamsnv
a c
Hi] Qh, thope [i] you" an go out and
Sol Butit |] going on |i
errand, |
alease let
ME do it
instead?!”
PNEUMONIA for
you DO get all care! But
sick, dear #0... don't
Ti always
‘idI® HOA 01 BAEY OS PINOM OYA ‘IIe 1OYY i9Ip NOA
Ya1,40m 94s jAusoM 01 aaey Aiyeou JoASU NOK In
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WHY | | Because you
dol || need your
haveto} | sleep! But
ome |] ityou don't
heme fA agree, suit
yourselt!
ah
carly
MORNING,
Darling!
any answers! You
owe ME answers!
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sue yse 3,4op nod J, Aes pinion Aotn uoum Joquiowies Puy
(0) waMSNY
«@ UO
“Take your
time, Son!
Afterall
cleanliness
‘snextto
Godliness!
jaxe Aow se At
4
veo
Areyou
alright?
You're not
®)
know what you're
doing, spending so
tun time in there!
You've got my copy} | SICK,
of Playboy are you,
aven'tyouti? || pal ...?
ty se axe suag woadsns skemye suaxned
(@) :UaMSNY
What?
TI |] rittaikte [i] Taatlousy mu-
youtatet | | sic is driving
can't
ime crazy 'm
heat
what
you're
eying,
dear!
music!
au
aise ist 472405,
(9) waMsNY
SCORE 10 POINTS FOR EACH CORRECT
Peru iol eo yeto sa
IF THE TOTAL SCORE IS 0
BPA yi pey vee Oa) 9
bu: ax ae) ab elu S ta
IF THEY SCORED UNDER 60
eres euerey yt)
YOU CAN LIVE WITH THAT!
Slee: aa CPE
espace ia
phar pee eve
MORE LOVING ATMOSPHERE! KILL OF RIGHTS DEPT.
Hatred . . . Bigotry . . . Prejudice . . . These are only some of the catchwords that have
immortalized America through the years. But, like everything else in our fast-mov-
ing society, these are not words that stand still. They have a vitality of their
own, and are ever-changing with the times. To show you what we mean, here is . . .
A MAD LOOK AT |
DISCRIMINATION *
ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL
Once upon a time, things were relatively simple in this country. - While Black People were in charge of
irge of Government, Wealth and Comfort Disease, Poverty, Misery and Degradation.
How come if
Hey, Man! Look at the
‘so terrible for bright side! They're In
isiand ck goed” il chives orthiee tenga!
forthe Whites! Werein chore offout
Down South, Blacks were relegated to the back of the bus, while in _As for the plight of the American Indian,
Los Angeles, Chicanos were relegated to the back of the world « _ the les said about that the better -
x a BUELL
Tebvaie eatat ered’ No, it's true Yesterday. Cop hnocked ia eee Pree
the streets were paved but don’t lose heart! One
with gold! What @ LEI 7 day, the Great White Father
‘who watehes over us will fs moving to
save us trom this misery! ‘Tahiti But prejudice wasn't limited to one’s skin color «
Mr. Beazley, why do MALE That's not true! | think
Secretaries here get $5000 Your sex i tertifet
"a year, while only get Wsyour.. putt putt
THREE? | know You're ‘gasp. TRACK TIME,
prejudiced against my sex! rnvet to crazy about!
R . i
Yep . . . things were relatively simple. Rotten, but
simple! Then, in 1954, an important thing happene
‘The Supreme Court outlawed school segregation . . .
Because TRUE EQUAL
inherent in our great Bi
Congratulations, Mr.
Justice! How did you
ever have the courage
‘o allow litte Black
fof Rights and was ord
‘by our Founding Fathers
ids to 20 to school ‘and besides, don't HAVE
with tle White kids? any litte White kids
; eT TH
sezne cue HY ay Le
“SAN NS
5 RLY I)
{Look at that! Democracy
Thousands of
WHITES moving
to Butfalot
in action! Thousands of
Blacks moving to Detroit!
FP whaddaya say weeo Pf Okay... but how
cororn fade [coy Sore
tip some QUEERS? || Queer nowadays?
ani fos
Jong came great ch:
Martin Luther King, who led
overcome THERE,
Vt come over HERE?
‘And the exodus continued. Then, one day not too long
ago, a strange thing occurred. White families
started moving into the big cities instead of out . . «
LIT fan thot nice, dear? We're only in
: New York City a few minutes... and
Already the Welcome Wagon is here!!
i i B/W
rill But life was difficult for the immigrants to the
Okay, White Boy! Now, you an
me is gonna share your lunch,
‘an people said
Integration
wouilen’t work!t
again, and when the bus arrived down in Georgia for her
first day of school, she could hardly wait to get off.
Many of the young immigrants were homesick for life in the
Old Country, but there was mn
Until one
ig they could do about it.
i wonderful news.
when a School
‘Actually,
the Courts
created
FORCED
BUSING!
After several years of playing Musical Buses, many
students finally graduated from High School. Some
went to see Counselors about entering college . . .
Hey, have any of you guys seen Sue
Ellen, Peggy Ana, Sally Jo, Laura
Lee, Wanda June and the rest of my
friends rom the old neighborhood?
‘Shoot, Honky, you
just missed them!
They'te being bus-
(ed up to New York!
Tellme, young man. | [well
what are you plan
ning to study when
you ge to College?
‘considering my lone years
of experience in Elementary, Junior
High and High School, | figured 'd
major in'“interstate Transportaton’!
This often led to cruel surprises for many White students,
mecamnee Gwen’ |] aeraasen beatae
Unable to get into College, many White graduates
looked for jobs instead. Some tried local banks.
"You look fami
Hey, werent you
in my High Schoot
Graduating Class’?
‘But can't get
INTO College!
‘only hiring
MINORITIES
these days!
Too bad! ve
got degrees
from Harvard,
you go.onto
College unit
things change?
never WENT to [|
High Sehooit Meanwhile, in Hollywood, another form of “Reverse Not only were the “color lines” completely broken down,
Discrimination” was taking place at the studios... _but in the world of Gays, it was a whole new ball game.
Marion Don’t you just
Jove parading
| inthese out
fits!? This is
going to be
“and over here, We never de
folks they're gradetndians |] Brando
shooting a new inHollywood | just got
WESTERN! A rip ‘anymore! || “back
roaring "Cowboys || ESb from
and Eskimos" fit! Tahiti
, as things turned out, one of the most oppressed American
citizens became the White Anglo-Saxon male. Many of them gave
up, got spaced out, moved to California and became beach bums.
You'd better believe it
And it he doesn’t tet his
{8085 CATCH him soon, he's
finished inthis offic!
‘Then, in ident took office, and a new feel- And “Reverse-Reverse Discrimination” began .
ghttit’s || WAIT a minutet!
What fhe AIN'T
a Nigral? He could
ing of mor i isness swept over the country . . .
Look at that Nigra
y| PW ' be a White boy with
‘ fn Afro and’ tanl! ARIES
March 21—April 19
Dramatic developments! Some
strong astrological forces clash
leaving your Moon Over Miami,
Don't worry! This is not a Blue
‘Moon, so you will bask in a mag.
nificent Moonglow 2s Moonlight
Becomes You. If any part of this
horoscope confuses you, consult
one of your parents or a friend-
ly cocktailhour piano player.
MOON CHILDREN
June 22—July 22
A funny day. A washed-up comic
in the Catskills is planning a
big comeback at your expense.
His words carry great weight, as
does your blind date this eve-
ning. A small change in personnel
where you work greatly improves
conditions for everyone involved.
In other words, you're getting
the ax sometime this morning.
LIBRA
September 23—October 23
Financial strains preoceupy you,
but it’s the neglected physical
strain that could leave you with
a hideous limp. Thoroughly test
a_new love before falling for
him or her head-over-heels. (Use
cither a Trueor-False or Multi-
ple Choice format. Essay ques
tions never work right and will
take you much longer to grade.)
CAPRICORN
December 22—January 19
Personal sacrifices for a child
will bring you instant fame and
financial gains. Then again, so
probably would your sacrificing
of a child! Appealing offers are
not what they seem, so be pre-
pated for a letdown when a cur-
rent love finally lets you put
your hand in her blouse. A hor-
rible disease arises at school.
HC
ZODIACS MURDER DEPT,
YOUR MOD
HOROOOCOPE
TAURUS
April 20—May 20
Romantic entanglements can pose
some problems so lay off the S&M
for awhile. Focus on career mat-
ters, making sure your finger is
not in front of the lens. The PM
is an excellent time for love,
so make sure you have an extra
$50 tucked in your wallet should
the opportunity arise. (Put the
rest of your cash in your shoe.)
LEO
July 23—August 22
Your stars point to a new cycle
and it's a beauty!—a bright red
lO-speeder! Unfortunately, one
of the foot pedals is missing,
as are the screws for the hand
brakes. Until these parts are or-
dered, it's back to riding the
bus. Take heart! Make the most of
your current success. Incredible
as it may seem, you've peaked.
SCORPIO
‘October 24—November 21
As you enter a new cycle, the
stars are promising you an in-
tense romance with a Leo. Nor-
mally, you would be compatable.
In this case, however, the stars
are referring to Leo Flogs—the
town drunk and a suspected car-
rier of malaria and mail. Your
idea spells profit. What is un-
known is how do you spell relief?
AQUARIUS
January 20—February 18
Some astral forces are playing
tug-of-war with you now, so next
time you buy a shirt, be sure to
get a longer sleeve length. Work
while others play, and you will
grab the brass ring. You can et
ther wear it on your pinky, or
sell it for scrap. Cut through
red tape. However, please do not
fold, spindle or mutilate it.
TODAY'S
BIRTHDAY:
Your birthday
was last month,
schmuck! Ask
your mother for
the full story!
GEMINI
May 21—June 21
The Big Dipper and the Little
Dipper are jointly sending you
messages. They're doing this to
‘cut down on postage and handling
charges which, as you know, are
astronomical. The stars warn you
that things at home are not what
they appear. Beware especially
of a Colonialstyle sofa, a five
speed blender or a bearded child.
VIRGO
August 23—September 22
A woubling day. A piece of poul-
try is not as dead as you think,
and is just waiting for you to
open that refrigerator door. A
business deal may take you out
of town, but only a blind idiot
would take you out to dinner
‘You refuse to think about any.
thing but “the present”. Buy him
a shirt, and get it over with!
SAGITTARIUS
November 22—December 21
‘Your moon is in the House of Rep-
resentatives, where undercover
FBI men are secretly filming its
acceptance of a bribe. You have
private wishes and opinions that
are best left unvoiced as they
are disgusting and depraved. A
surprise promotion comes when
a coworker takes a leave of ab-
sence to give birth to your child.
PISCES
February 19—March 20
An indecisive attitude on the
part of someone you rely on for
advice could get you into real
trouble, Then again, it may no
Work keeps you from family af-
fairs and family affairs keep
you from work. Just what exact
ly you do all day remains one of
life's great unsolved mysteries.
WRITER: JOHN FICARAA YULE BE SORRY DEPT.
WHERE YOUR CHRIS
UTS LRS
Ce
See UE ee ne
Porat
Dace ES ODL
but realy hat.
11¢—Presents you really want for yourself, and
plan to use after the intended recipients
POOLE
‘6¢—Presents for people you hate, but feel you
have to buy for.
RCN ALG
Re Ons
rate VSS
Dee
BR ese Uy
Pua nS
Cnr aren
Peek ny
ons
Cee
3¢—Christmas tree ornament hangers (includes
the gas for that extra trip you always
een ted
DO ee
PU
Deena gcd
De Ua ec ei)
incorrectly, starting a very bad... and
possibly violent... family argument.)
Poe on
DCCA Me
putting up outdoor displays,
1—Fuses to replace those blown when turning
Coe eS TMAS DOLLAR GOES
BPE LAL
1—More eggnog than the entire Osmond family
errr
De oe Ed
Cement cm ieee)
1¢—Alcoholic beverages (triple this figure if
‘you have relatives coming from out of town.)
ee MO Cou
out for Santa.
eee ec
Prec
Pec
Ea
1—That new record you buy every year (even though
you already have 27 hours of recorded Christ-
cre}
3¢—Taking a bunch of kids toa really crummy G-rated
movie about cute little animals.
Se aS ed
avoid those sickening TV Christmas Specials
RoC Msi
pra INH Ane
ALCO UU LL
pee
2¢—Bonuses for people who don’t even deserve them
(eon
ers
ey
2¢—Money tossed into street-comer Santa's buokets,
(although you don’t really know what it’s for.)
2¢—Money forthe collection plate for your once-
Sea eS css
10¢ BATTERIES ‘THE EMPIRE STRIKES IT RICH AGAIN DEPT.
Back in the 1930's, kids loved those Saturday matinee “Mi
the hero battled against incredible odds and miraculously
his life after another—and always just in the nick of time,
making those marvelous old “Chapters” . .. and it was only a matter of time before
someone would revive the “cliff-hanger” gimmick in a modern length feature.
That’s why we call the Producers of this recent box-office-smagh-hit thriller . . .
rials” in which
ed one threat to
was an art to
4
[Hit 'm Inbanana Jones! tam Bollix... 8 1am Professor tam Toad, am Salaam, |
Half the time, ma dirty, devious French | | Mucus Crany...|\\) yournormal | an Arab who |
milésmannered Professor, i Tplot || Jones's eolleague|\ “everyday digs or
teaching Archeology in 2 atthe college! || ‘sadistic ancient |
smal college! The other am/so ineredibly |.) Gestapo artifacts |
half ofthe time, 1 wear ull that idon't |* agent! My notoll
leather jacket, pack a
aD
| ‘which
-
fevolver an a bull whip, | punch out drunk with shouls tlt
‘and KILL peoplat I'm ‘2 ight that's @ beaut! you just how
respected ...and || Inbanana likes me be Unbelievable
Vmalso very confused! | | cause 'm so feminine! ofmytinest | | ‘this fimis! | LOST GIRY
ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO & FRANK JACOBS:
‘A South American Jungle—1936
= wa
There itis. the a= My traitorous guide ie de
Golden Idol of the| | Then it [ i boulder is erashitg down on me, Pres: A
Tneas exact fl wart | | 9 fi J dont Roosevelt cant get is
mere ai tose live aR
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zA
ANorth American Jungle—1937
Lao Le
gettrap. ///| Bo you knowhow LA a eT ete ti Ntenees eet
Toki me padetres [ seantngout hore
Ten dr |
Ta{Sj winetotsun
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= ™N
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but some important
hereto. |i Gee. tdidnt | Yesterday, wein- | | They've been m so | | teetit [__ No, iaiott Not THAT Ark,
tercented a German |//) doing it for rs) | He'll win (They're looking! Dumbo! | mean.
‘communique which { | two years, and are |gametinone| |the Tanis forthe Arkof || wasbuilt || the Arkthat
revealed thatthe |{ | you only found digging | stroke,he | | game the Cavenent! contains the
‘out about it beneath | can rule the | | with one | You've heard original Ten |
| YESTERDAY?! theold | | world! His | | stroke of the Ark of
No wonder this| cityof | | racketwill | | of his. | | the Covenent,
haven't you?’ to Mosest!
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Wears Sa jer yeue ag eer
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eum
I inbanana Jones
Marryint You
remember me??
ould giveyou a
vauetletedsion TR "es
mmadatonyour | “"otertnewayscu | trenumen tear anf
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gay you. | |soucas meng oroken 4] rowi'3000<>-
000 rts | 4 pear wit 32000 ea
ds. thing thot Mr
the disgusting evi | {| inbanana wanted}
Nazi from the open
ing splash panel... | JT You want swear
“Eng anda punen
—_inthe mouth?
want?!? One Big Fight Later— Cairo, Egypt—
\evies a “ Ssisem, wat happens]
Nathan | Ra cami (coe eae = Brite |
Va ora sinned ange Fcauu]| Setas
SS reloading | | straight Vodka— into a truck which NEVER DIE
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