Revising the Introduction

Week 11

Writing Activity
What were the weakest parts of your Draft 1.1

from the graders perspective? List at least

three separate issues they identified.
From your perspective, what is the strongest
part of your Draft 1.1? Be specific. Explain why.
What did you think about the comments from
the student critiques?
Were they helpful? Explain.
Were any of the comments wrong? Explain.
Did the two commenters give the same

suggestions or different suggestions? Explain

Important Semester
Information
Only THREE class days left
November 16
November 23
November 30

Only FOUR assignments left

BA8 (due November 13)
BA9 (due November 20)
Draft 1.2 (due November 30)
Writing Review (due December 4)

December 3: Dead Day (No classes)

December 4-9: Finals
December 14: Final Grades Due

Additional Semester
Information
Tentative Open Tutoring Session for Draft 1.2
Thursday, November 19 (?)

Office Hours (Rm 456, right next door)

Monday 2-5 and Thursday 2-4
Tuesday 2-5 (November 24)
Monday 1-5 (November 30)

Please come to my office hours when you say

you will or email me and let me know that you

are not coming.
Make sure to reschedule with me.

Famous Revised
Movie Lines
In the original Empire
script, after Luke
accuses Darth Vader of
killing his father, Vader
was supposed to say,
Yes, and now I will kill
you as well, but
Prowse totally blanked
on his line, and instead
uttered what is now
one of the most iconic
lines in the entire Star
Wars series: No, I am
your father.

Famous Revised Movie Lines

Fellow cast members reported a stunned

silence on set right after Judy Garland pulled

this now-famous line out of thin airand
drastically changed the course of the film in
doing so.
Before that, everyone on the project
understood it was set in Kansascertainly a
very strange part of Kansas, but Kansas
nonetheless, said the actor who played the
Cowardly Lion in the classic film. I think
even Judy was surprised to hear herself
saying those words, but as soon as she did, it
made so much sense that we were all on
board with setting the film in a magical
foreign land.
The movies directors agreed, and after two
weeks of frantic rewrites, Garlands off-script
moment had resulted in an entire fictional
realm called Oz as the new setting for the alltime classic flick, which was renamed from
After The Tornadoto The Wizard Of Oz

Workshop Activity 1
Please as a class get into a circle and take out

your informal homework.

Please listen carefully to when I tell you to

pass your papers.

Please use this time wisely and provide

helpful feedback to your peers.

Continued
Please pass your informal homework to the person

to your right.
Read your peers revised introduction (1 min.)
What information does the student provide about

the author? About the article? Is the information

specific and adequate enough?
Provide the student with feedback about the

background information in the introduction (2 min.)

Still continued
Please pass that paper to the person to your right.
Read your peers revised introduction (1 min.)
Underline the students discussion of the audience and

purpose.
Is this enough specific information? Is the audience or

purpose too broad or incorrect?

Provide the student with feedback about the audience

and purpose in the introduction (2 min.)

Still continued
Please pass that paper to the person to your right.
Read the peers revised introduction (1 min.)
Underline the students thesis statement.
Circle the three rhetorical choices.
Is the thesis statement effective? Does the thesis statement

contain all the necessary components? What is missing?

Provide the student with feedback about the thesis statement

in the introduction (2 min.)

Final time to be continued

Please pass that paper to the person to your right.
Read the students original introduction (1 min.)
Read the students revised introduction (1 min.)
Did the student revise all the errors that were in the original

introduction?
What does the student still need to revise?
Please provide the student with feedback about how well

he/she revised his/her introduction (2 min.)

Brief Assignment 8:
Revision of the Introduction
Objective:To

develop new strategies for writing effective introductions for academic papers and
to expand your understanding of what makes an effective introduction.
Purpose:The introductory paragraph of a document plays a key role in how readers respond to
the entire text. In this assignment, you will attempt a revision of your introduction to Draft 1.1.
Keep in mind that your original introduction may remain the better of your two efforts.
Description:Your completed assignment should contain the following:
A copy of your original introduction
Your revised introduction
A short summary and evaluation of your revisions, in which you identify and explain what you
changed and why
The total length of the analysis should be 300-400 words, NOT including the original and
revised introductions.
Before you start to revise, take a few minutes to review key elements of your Draft 1.1, such as
your audience, purpose, and thesis statement. Your new introduction should reflect your
consideration for each of these as well as indicate your understanding of what a rhetorical
analysis accomplishes.
Next, study your original introduction and any comments that your instructors or peer critiquers
made about that introduction. Using this feedback along with your broader understanding of a
rhetorical analysis, revise your original introduction so that it more effectively reaches your
readers.
Please note that if you need to revise for coherence, emphasis, or conciseness, refer to Chs. 50
and 53 of your e-handbook. If you need to work on sentence structure, see Chs. 44-49. If you
need to work on other grammatical and/or mechanical elements, consult the appropriate
chapters.

Formatting for BA8

Original Introduction
Revised Introduction
Evaluation of Revisions
Identify the changes you made
Explain why you made those changes

You can also explain why you did not make a

change.
Your evaluation of revisions must be between

300-400 words.

Workshop Activity 2
Look over the changes you made to your introduction.
Begin writing an evaluation of why you made the

changes that you did.

Why did you make the change? A personal observation?

A graders comment?
How does the change improve your introduction? Make

your introduction stronger? More specific?

After 10-15 minutes, I will come around and check your

evaluations to make sure that you are on the right track.

Any questions?

Informal Homework
Select one body paragraph to revise and

make revisions accordingly.

Please bring the original body paragraph and

the revised body paragraph to class on

November 16.
Make sure to complete BA8 before starting on

your informal homework.

Before you leave

Please make sure to read the following by Nov.

16:
Chapters 44-49, pages 626-658, in your St.

Martins Handbook
Chapters 51-52, pages 665-677, in your St.
Martins Handbook
Informal Homework: Revise a body paragraph

and bring both the original and revised to

class on November 16.
Turn in BA8 by November 13 on Raider Writer

by 11:59:59 p.m.