McGann1

MeaghanMcGann
Dr.Giuliano
Conflict&Reconciliation
5March2014

AnatomyofaConflictPaper
Lastyear,Ibecamegoodfriendswithtwogirlswhowereroommatesonmyhall.Though
thesegirlsarenolongerroomingtogetherduetodifferentleadershippositionsoncampus,they
remainfriends.Sometimelastsemester,oneofthegirls,Sally,discoveredthatherformer
roommate,Jane,1 hadbeendrinkingalcoholinherapartmentandoccasionallyatrestaurants.At
first,SallyresolvednottodoanythingmorethantoexpressherdesirethatJanerefrainfrom
drinkingatleastwhilethetwoweretogether.Sallyknewherfriendwasofageandwasdrinking
responsibly.Havinglivedwithherfortwoyears,sheunderstoodJanesreasoningbehind
breakingtheCommunityCovenantwasnotrebelliousinnature.ThoughSallydidnotapproveof
Janesdrinking,shealsodidnotseeitasherjobtoconfrontJaneasidefromaskinghernotto
drinkwhentheyweretogether.Then,atthebeginningofthissemester,Sallydiscoveredthat
JanehadbeendrinkinginfrontofsomegirlsthatbothSallyandJanewereinleadership
positionsover.SallynowfeltitwasherjobtoconfrontJaneaboutdrinkingwhileunderthe
covenant.ThetwometandtalkedandhadaverypositiveconversationthatresultedinJanes
decisionnottodrinkwhileundercovenant.Afterthatconversationthetwogirlsfeltthatthey
hadsuccessfullyresolvedthesituation,andbothgirlsevenfeltthattheyhadbecomebetter
friendsasaresultoftheirconversation.
AcoupleweeksaftertheconversationwithJane,Sallywassharingwithoneofher
mentorsherthankfulnessforansweredprayerinregardstothistrickysituation,whensheletit
1

Thesenameshavebeenchangedtoprotecttheprivacyofmyfriends.

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slipthatalcoholhadbeenthemotivebehindtheconfrontation.Asapersoninauthorityon
campus,thementorhadtoaskSallyformorespecifics.OnlearningofJanesleadershipposition
andthatshehadconsumedalcoholinthepresenceofgirlsthatbothJaneandSallywerein
leadershipover,thementortoldSallythatshewouldhavetoturnherfriendintothose
overseeingJanesleadershipposition.
Sallywasconflicted.ShebelievedthatsheandJanewereontheroadtoamuchbetter
friendshipaftertheirlastconversationandthattheissuehadalreadybeenresolved.Sallyknew
thatJanehadnointentionofdrinkingwhileundercovenantanymore.Shehatedtheideaof
havingbetrayedherfriendstrust.Sallyfeltitwasnotherjobtoturnherfriendin,butthatshe
hadbeengivennochoice.Thoughshehadalotoffaithinthereconciliationprocessofthe
administration,shewasfrustratedwithhermentorforputtingherinatrickysituation.Sally
dreadedtalkingtoJaneagain,andanticipatedahorribleconversation.Afterhermentorsgaveher
adeadline,Sallyknewshecouldntputitoffanylonger.ShetextedJaneandaskediftheycould
meet.Whenthetwomet,Sallybrieflyexplainedthesituation.Afteraboutthreeminutesof
talkingJanewasveryemotionallyoverwhelmedandhadtoleave.
FromJanesperspective,thesituationwasaclosedbook.Shehadresolvedtonolonger
drinkwhileundercovenantandintendedtoapologizetothegirlswhohadseenherdrink.She
feltthatshecouldnolongertrustSallyandwasveryangrywithherforsprinklingsaltona
healingwound.Shefeltthatshewasbeingpushedintomoreguiltforabehaviorthatshehad
alreadydecidedtoconfrontandchange.Janefelthurtandbetrayed.Shewasbeingunjustly
punishedforsomethingthatwasalreadyresolved.Sheknewshewouldhavetotalkthosein
leadershipoverher,butresentedthatshewasbeingforcedtogothroughthisprocess.

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Inthisconflict,bothsidesfeelmisunderstood.SallywantsJanetounderstandthatshe
hadnointentionofrattingherout.Janefeelsthatsheshouldnothavetostepbackintothis
conflict,becauseinhermind,shehasalreadyperformedallthestepsnecessarytoresolvethe
issue.InexplainingthesituationtoJane,Sallyfailedtoseekfirsttounderstandhowthis
situationmayappeartoJane.Sallywassoeagertoexpressherguiltandregretoverthesituation,
thesheforgotwhoelsewasinvolvedintheconflict.Sallyhadnohopethatanythingpositive
wouldcomeoutofthissecondconfrontationwithJane.Inanticipatingtheworst,Sallyalso
failedtoseeherownlackofomniscience.Inhermind,shewasnotwillingtogiveJane,ortheir
friendship,thebenefitofthedoubt.Janewaswisetoleavewhenshebecameemotionally
overwhelmed.Bygoingtoherbalconyfirst,sheavoidedspeakingwhileangry.Sally
rememberedthatthisconflictwasasmuchabouttheirfriendshipasitwasaboutbreakingthe
communitycovenant.ThiscausedSallyanxietyonmanylevelsbothwithinherdesiretorespect
leadershipandthecovenantandtobringharmonybacktoherandJanesfriendship.Janedidnot
applytheGoldenRule.ByleavingbeforeSallycouldfullysayherpiece,Janefailedtoapplythe
PrincipleofReciprocityinunderstandingthatSallywasjustdoingwhatherleadershiprole
calledhertodo.Inbreakingthecommunitycovenant,Janealsofailedtoactcivilly.Thoughshe
wasofagetodrink,shefailedtoconsiderheryoungercounterparts,especiallythoseshewasina
leadershippositionoveroncampus.Notdrinkingwhileoncovenant,eventhoughyoumaybeof
age,requiressacrificingforothers,evenpeopleyoudonotknow.Additionally,bothsidesfailed
topracticeactivelistening.Janeheardtheproblemandimmediatelyherdefenseswentup.She
couldnotlistentoSallysreasoning,shejusthadtoescape.Sallywassosetonexpressing
herselfthatshefailedtolistentoJanesemotionalneeds.Thesituationhadbeencausingherso

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muchanxietysothatshejustwantedtogetitalloutintheopenandtrytotalkaboutit.Thegirls
bothhavetobecautiousinthewayinwhichtheyseparatethemselvesfromeachotherandfrom
thesituation.Ifeitheroneseestheirsideassuperior,whichiseasytodoifyouarefrustratedand
donotfeelheard,itcanleadtothedehumanizingoftheother.IfSallyandJanearenotcarefulin
themannerinwhichtheyapproachthissituation,theycancreateenemiesofeachother.
IfIweretoapplythe
CandlestickConspiracy
inmediatingthisconflict,thefirstthingI
wouldsuggesttoSallyandJanewouldbetostartactivelylistening.Thesegirlscangetnowhere
unlesstheyseekfirsttounderstand,andthentobeunderstood.Sallyhastounderstandthe
consequencesthatthissituationmayhaveforJane,forherreputation,andforherleadershiphere
oncampus.JanehastounderstandthatthisisnotabetrayalonSallyspart.ItisSallysjobasa
leaderoncampustoaddresstheissueofalcoholintheappropriatemanner.SallyandJaneneed
tocreateadynamicsocialspacewhereTruth,Mercy,JusticeandPeacecanmeetandhashthings
out.Truthwillbenecessaryinunderstandingthehurtandfrustrationonbothendsoftheconflict.
MercywillespeciallybeneededforJane,whofeelsthatshehasbeenpersonallywrongedinthis
situation.Sallysleadershiprolecallsforhertoseekjusticeindealingwiththosewhohave
brokencommunitycovenant,andJanewillhavetounderstandjusticeinordertorestorehertrust
inSally.Bothgirlswillneedtoprayerfullyseekpeace.Sallywillneedpeacetosootheherguilt
andtotrustthemeasuresthatthoseinleadershipoverherhavesetinplace.Janewillneedpeace
toforgive.SallyandJanewillhavetoacknowledgethatforgivenessisabigdeal.Itsgoingtobe
reallyhardinthissituationforJanetoforgiveSally,andevenforSallytoforgivehermentor.
Howeverthereispowerandpotentialinunilateralriskandsacrifice.Iftheycannoteven
approachforgivenessrightnow,Iwouldremindthegirlsthatforgivenessisabouttheaction

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first,andthenthedesiretoforgive.IwouldnotadviseSallyandJanetoletforgivenesstakethe
placeofreconciliation,forthetwoarenotthesamething.Howeverintryingtoforgivetheother
Iwouldrecommendthethreeactivestepswediscussedinclass:first,neitherSallynorJanewill
bringupthewrongtotheotheranymoresecond,neitherSallynorJanewillbringupthiswrong
tootherpeopleanymorefinally,neitherofthegirlswilltalkofthemselvesasvictimsofthis
wrong.
Inmoreimmediatetermsofresolvingthisconflict,itiswiseforbothgirlstogotothe
balcony.Janehasalreadydoneso,butSallytooshouldallowherselfsomedistancefromthe
situation.Aftergivingeachothersomespace,Iwouldadvisethegirlstomeetupandlistento
whattheotherhastosay.Eachgirlshouldbegivenadequatetimetospeakwithoutinterruptions
beforeanyattempttoresolvetheconflictismade.Theyshouldsteptoeachotherssides.Then,
theyshouldreframe.RatherthanapproachingtheconflictinyouorIterms,theyshould
approachittogether:Letsworkthroughthis,orHowcanwefindasolutiontogether?Jane
willhavetotalktopeopleinleadershipaboutbreakingcovenant,butthisdoesnothavetobe
somethingshedoesalone.Sallycangivetestimonytotheirpreviousconversation(inwhichJane
resolvedtoforgoalcoholwhileoncampus)andcanvouchforhersincerityandhercharacter.
Sallycanalsovouchforadministration.Thoughshemaybefrustratedwiththeminthissituation
inwhichshehastoturninherfriend,shecanacknowledgethepositiveexperiencesshehashad
withtheminthepastandrememberthatthepositiontheyhaveexpressedinregardtothisissue
islesspunitivethanredemptive.However,itisalsoimportantthatwithintheirpositionsof
leadershiptheyareeducatedabouttheconsequencesofthesituation.Sally,andJaneespecially,
shouldunderstandtheworstpossiblescenariosandthinkofBATNAs(intermsofpossible

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consequences)aheadoftime.BothSallyandJaneshouldberealisticinunderstandingthatthe
pathbacktotrustwitheachotherandtheprocesswiththeadministrationaregoingtobelong
andmostlikelyuncomfortable.ItwillbereallyimportanttorememberthatthingsbetweenSally
andJane,andevenbetweenthesetwoandthoseinleadershipoverthem,werenotalwayslike
this.However,thisshouldnotstopthemfromdreamingandhopingforthebest.AsLederach
wouldsay,Letusdreamboldlythatourfeetmaycarryusthroughthechallengingrealitiesthat
stiraroundus(
TheJourneyTowardReconciliation202
).