Professional Documents
Culture Documents
By Brian Barritt
Illustrations by Youth
This ebook is given away free under the terms of
the Creative Commons Attribution-Non Commercial
License. Some rights reserved.
www.bighandbooks.com
www.brianbarritt.com
www.youth.me.uk
www.myspace.com/youthsound
2
CONTENTS
Dedication 7
Foreword, by Youth 9
3. Intimacy 45
5. Holmes 71
6. Princess Ee 81
7. Solution 93
3
To Sod.
4
FOREWORD
old spaced out, Punk rock cult hero. I had been consuming
and see Brian for some mentoring and guidance as I had been
shredded ego and navigate the deep space within the abyss.
realm but also because of his seminal work with Tim Leary on
5
I am really, really humbled and honoured to be
6
1. The DJ and the Harem.
7
her. Sex and sinsemilla. His dick started to rise
8
hoard of ravishing nymphomaniacs were only a
the mix, got out his dick, and flogged his knob to
of behaviour.
9
extensions of the ladies sexual desires and he was
10
He was almost dead when the first girl
11
ensnared by them. He couldn’t afford to miss even
12
he was swept along on the tide of ecstasy. It took
webbed tail.
13
mushroom dotted the landscape. Then the
psychedelic tide.
hallucinations.
14
One night, arriving back from an orgy in
15
inches up his stem, causing her to flap her wings
16
endless neuro-sensual games. With his head up
*
The Gleeols are entities whose job is to ‘Joy the galaxy’.
They turn even the wildest thing into a joke by the power of their
whose cynicism sucks the buzz out of everything and leaves them all
17
18
2. The Nabob of Bombasta.
him.
bejewelled slippers.
19
“A vile scam Master,” he panted, hoisting
process!”
20
his dwarf skidding sideways in a ninety degree arc
to the waist.
the Captain.
21
“REPORT!? A report is not going to get my
22
wrinkled his nose at the atrocious decor. He had
ARE MY GIRLS?”
23
telepathic magnifying glass, Oh Great One, and
24
“How sweet of you to need the answer to
them.”
25
maestro called Laser Quark conducted a rave
realms.
26
android he had nodded to on several worlds but
27
and, with a remarkable effort for a man of his
28
tremendous significance: ‘The Nabob of Bombasta
plus One.’
29
ocean, his mind a fleck of foam flying from every
vibe.
face.
30
During a break in the intensity he could
31
again. To his surprise there were no girls in sight,
them.
32
need one a year and tonight's the night!" Then,
33
34
3. Intimacy
35
the unicorns’ hooves with shoe polish whilst the
36
Heralded by a fanfare of instruments, the
37
began, Mamluk put down his glass and jerked the
of the start.
38
Coo had been part of the Nabob’s harem.
39
she went to use the sauna everyone else left.
†
It is all a question of moons. As the moon pulls the tides
of the female menses it also pulls the sexual organs of the male,
possess differing amounts. If a planet has fifty two moons like the
planet of Krutch, for instance, then the male inhabitants all have
fifty two sexual organs. If a planet has one moon, such as Earth,
40
thought of a one pricked man made her soak her
knickers.
41
knew that planet Earth was the only place in the
private.
42
the star from which she had come while Yeemoo
dicks.
43
finer points. Soon naked celebrities could be
at random.
44
And as its reputation spread, word of
45
46
4. The Lady of Drain
47
the only satisfying method of intercourse in
Andromeda.
48
For the Nabob, the most valuable virginity
49
unsatisfied and Sod, like his predecessor, would
50
expanding maze of contradictions, to crash his PC
51
round the hillside. The assembled throng
52
prize and playfully erected each of his new cocks
53
Twatania’s fifty cunts left Sod a couple of
54
And what could he do that would persuade Sod to
55
56
5. Holmes
magnifying glass.
57
Satisfied, he flipped his consciousness into
conversation.
nodded politely.
58
“I take it sir”, the detective said, “that the
59
current form is not your usual one, and that a
highest priority.”
60
before they are further tarnished it is of the
61
“This is as I thought,” Holmes replied. “It
62
63
6. Princess Ee
64
before her, the ghoulish figure of Queen Hag
65
his cuffs, turned with his head high, and studied
66
The DJ kissed the back of her hand as he
death rite.
67
A mist of star-dust followed behind her; as
68
head and rolled in waves of fire down to the
69
music would reach such a peak that her clitoris
70
As quickly as it was polite to do so he paid
farewells.
of sheer disgust.”
up her arse.
71
72
7. Solution
73
stalked the Nabob, staying out of his
to kill him.
74
action. His intended method was to move from
75
It was the last straw. Somewhere amongst
had lost his rag, lost his cool, lost his mind and
his ear.
76
“A cluster of thoughts inhabiting your
guests.”
77
of which you are composed, and you will slowly
you free.”
78
“You never had a mother,” Holmes said
79
Sherlock’s signature at the end. He deleted the
file.
Holmes smiled.
creation.”
80
specimens to me. Surely there is no-one with the
81
Now if you excuse me, I am drawn to the natural
82
83
8. The Scrubber
84
intercourse with the Princess Ee. I promise I will
85
jerked him, drew out a wire brush hidden in his
steam.
86
skateboard. The potion that the DJ had slipped
round.
87
dwarf dashed forward, lifted the skirt-like labia,
masters bum.
88
In the sauna, a highly potent silence
spoke.
89
Hands were clawing off garments, tongues
90
91
ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR
and www.youth.me.uk.
92
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
93
BY THE SAME AUTHOR:
Whisper: A Timescript
Archaeologist
94