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Grieving Through the Stages

Taylor Gillies
English 111
15 November 2015

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I. Introduction to Major Research Paper
A. Topic: This paper highlights the steps individuals experience in the grieving process.
B. Thesis: Throughout the entire course of life, every one experiences some sort of grief whether it
be physical, emotional, or mental, and the importance of reaching closure is ever important to the
grief recovery process because it can end a relationship, begin a new relationship, or it can be the
beginning of a new spin to a relationship.
II. Body of paper
A. Relationship: My grandmother bestowed upon us a beautiful ring with a personal meaning only
those who had would understand, and in doing so provided a stable relationship for each of us to fall
upon.
1. My grandmother had served as a fulcrum for our family for years. She provided support to
each of us when we needed it, and she was taken too soon. Before leaving us, she provided
us with a memento to always remember her by.
2. Relationship between each grandchild and the ring
a. Luke and the school memory
b. Sister and cousin Mikey's absence of grandma at their graduation
c. Mary and Sierra missing grandma at soccer championships
d. Grandma missing the next big step (college) in my life
3. Conclusion/transition: Events happen in life that are completely out of anyones control.
They can leave hurt and anger, but they can also leave relief. Relief in knowing that the

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people affected will feel protected, they will feel strong, and they will not let the event bring
them down. It brings about the process of grieving that will help achieve closure.
B. Concept Analysis: Thesis: The path can be tough, but one way to fully complete it is to
understand what closure means in these types of situations.
1. Closure is the idea that an emotional incident has been resolved for a given victim.
2. Coping with loss and grieving helps to achieve closure.
3. It is important to end a relationship on a positive note in order to receive the highest level
of closure.
a. German Philosopher Sloterdijk emphasizes the importance of survivors rebuilding
bubbles in order to salvage memories and relationships.
4. Forgiveness is the next big step in the process of receiving closure.
a. Individuals must forgive themselves for the things they didnt do, but should have,
as well as forgive those that they lost.
5. The value of strong relationships is vital and each person builds or repairs their own when
they suffer from extreme loss.
C. Cause/Effect: Closure is only the final step in the grieving process, and in reality it can take years
to achieve that stage, but leading up to this is a very distinct process.
1. The avoidance stage is the first step of the grieving process. There are two steps to this
stage, but it can be summed up into the first step.
a. Acknowledgment is the first step in the grieving process.

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2. Reacting is the second phase of the grieving process.
a. Remembering is an important reaction to loss.
3. The third and final phase of the grieving process is known as accommodation.
a. Victims learn to accommodate without the individuals in their life and learn to best
live without the person they lost.
5. The grieving process has gained ground as something vital to achieving closure. Without
this process so many people would be left with questions they never have answers too.

III. Conclusion: At the end of the day, loss in inevitable. Sickness occurs and takes many, often
times way earlier than they deserve. Sometimes people are just in the wrong place at the wrong
time such as 9/11 or the Boston Marathon Bombing. Grieving is what relates all of these things.
Without grief the world would be an angry, hurting world. People would not know how to deal
with horrific news such as accidents, deaths, or divorces.

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Loss is a hard concept to understand sometimes. People cope in different ways, and that
is because closure is an abstract concept. People search for closure in so many situations and
how each individual person pursues it can vary greatly. Throughout the entire course of life,
every one experiences some sort of grief whether it be physical, emotional, or mental, and the
importance of reaching closure is ever important to the grief recovery process because it can end
a relationship, begin a new relationship, or it can be the beginning of a new spin to a relationship.
Rewind two years. It was a dreary July day. Rain had come and gone all day long, and
things had not been the same as of lately. Grandma had been in and out of the hospital all year
long and things had taken a turn for the worst. Grandma was lying in her bed surrounded by the
comfort of her family. She had always been the center point, the one who united the family.
Today was a pivotal example of that. She called all seven of her grandchildren to surround her.
On that day, she gifted us all with a ring specially made with all of the family in mind in order to
provide us with hope rather than sadness. It was made with each of her children and
grandchildren in mind. Surrounding each of our birth stones are twelve stones, symbolizing my
grandma, grandpa, two uncles, my dad, and all of her grandchildren. She emphasized that even
though she was leaving us physically, grandma would always be there for her grand babies. My
grandmother bestowed upon us a beautiful ring with a personal meaning only those who had
would understand, and in doing so provided a stable relationship for each of us to fall upon.
Grandma has been gone for a year now. What used to be weekly get-togethers with
family, turned to monthly and then sadly started to diminish until we had not seen each other in
months. My grandma had been a fulcrum. Regardless of what was going on we went to her
house every weekend, whether it be for an hour or two days. It is hard for all my cousins and I to
get together; we are all growing up and going our separate ways whether it be for school or jobs.

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But the first year after my grandma passed away, we made it a priority to get together. It was a
memorial weekend for my grandma, but it went differently than we were expecting.
We were all gathered on the trampoline and our conversations started out casual, like the
normal hows school, hows work, any boyfriends or girlfriends? Then things started to
transition. My grandmother never had a funeral, as to her own wishes, so none of us got to grieve
together and we were never able to talk about the whole situation. We were all old enough to
understand the concept of life and death, but it was still difficult a year later when none of us had
any closure. The tears soon followed the conversations that were beginning, but they were not
necessarily sad ones.
My youngest cousin, Luke, was twelve at the time. He brought up grandparents day and
how he was not able to take my grandma that year to his class to share her with all his friends,
for the first time in years, but when everyone got to introduce their grandparents, he still did. He
stood up and said My grandma may not be here with me anymore, but she gave me something
thats a daily reminder of her. This ring shows my family and her. She looks over me every day,
and I couldnt be more thankful. My youngest cousin realized the real importance behind the
ring and made sure to share it with everyone that day.
My sister and my oldest cousin, Mikey, had both graduated that June. My grandma was
not there, as much as she wanted to see every one of us graduate. But they both exclaimed the
comfort they felt walking across the stage at graduation and rubbing the ring. She was there with
them and they knew she was proud of them as they each received their diplomas.
My cousins, Mary and Sierra, play soccer on travel teams, and my grandma was always
their biggest supporters. She went to their games regardless of how far or how early they were.
My cousins were at their district championship game, and they were feeling down because it was

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the first time my grandma was not going to be there physically. They went to go take off their
earrings and necklaces so they would not break them in the game, and they remembered they had
their rings on still. But they did not take those off. They had seen them as a good luck charm
because a piece of grandma had been there with them.
That summer I was going into my senior year in high school. That meant college was
coming next, and I had to apply. Upon finishing my application to Saginaw Valley State
University, I started to take my ring on and off. It became a habit of sorts when I was feeling
nervous, but then I realized I had nothing to be nervous about. My grandma was looking down
on me, and I knew she would have been proud. I was going to be her first grandchild to attend
college. In about two seconds, all my worry about getting accepted into college was taken away
by the instant comfort I felt from my ring.
Then it hit me, she was with us. I looked around to see all seven of us wearing our
personal rings from my grandma. They symbolized so much. She was our guardian angel, and as
long as we all were wearing them, she was with us. She always would be. In Peter Sloterdijk's
writing, Bubbles: Microspherology, he explored the importance of rebuilding spheres, or
bubbles, that were shattered by loss. Bubbles are the world created with an individual, a moment,
or a place. These bubbles come and go in life. Every relationship is its own sphere, or bubble,
and when tragedy strikes, those spheres shatter. The survivors are left to rebuild the spheres in
hopes of maintaining the relationship which was once so strong. The whole process my family
went through was rebuilding that "bubble" that had been taken from us. We learned to cope and
remember all the important memories we had with her. In that year, we had rebuilt the "bubble"
of my grandma and built a relationship with her that we will never lose (Sloterdijk 48).

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In a recent commercial from Kay Jewelers, they attempt to illustrate the happiness a ring
can create. They depict a person receiving a ring and the joy it brings them as they show it to
their friends. But their friends are only seeing the physical beauty of it, they dont know the story
behind the ring (Independent). Rings are gorgeous and elaborate tokens of appreciation for
fiancs, family members, or even friends, but they are more than just the looks. Contrary to
popular belief, they have meaning. That meaning comes from the family member who gives
them it. They make a promise, whether it be to one day marry them forever or to serve as a
reminder they are always around.
My grandma made a promise the day she gave us those rings. Regardless of where we
have been, or where we will end up going, the rings will always bring us together. They were
now the glue to our relationships as cousins that grandma used to be. She left these rings to us as
a constant reminder that she is always there, she will always be supporting us, and she will
always be proud of us. It might just look like a shiny piece of jewelry to someone looking in, but
to me it is real comfort. Without it my hand seems naked; I am missing a part of me I always
have. Without it I get anxious because I worry about if anything would happen to it. Without it I
get scared I am losing the last bit of my grandma that I actually have.
Events happen in life that are completely out of anyones control. They can leave hurt and
anger, but they can also leave relief. Relief in knowing that the people affected will feel
protected, they will feel strong, and they will not let the event bring them down. It brings about
the process of grieving that will help achieve closure. The path can be tough, but one way to
fully complete it is to understand what closure means in these types of situations.
It is often asked, what exactly is closure? According to the Oxford Dictionaries closure is
a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved ("Closure"), and often

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times it can take longer than expected to reach that point. Closure is realizing the true ending of
something, whether it be a job, a relationship, or even a particular thought. Most people would
relate closure to that of a relationship. They ask themselves why did it have to happen? What if
they had done something differently? What if they had tried harder? Questions are important to
reaching closure. It allows people to consider every side to a story and to try and understand the
entire situations. Asking questions allows people to work through their problems by actively
searching for an answer. People suffering with the lack of closure do not know what to do about
all the hurt they were left behind with. People have to want to know the answers and pursue them
in order to receive closure.
Coping with loss and grieving helps in attaining closure. In the process of grieving, the
questions that are wondered about are answered and pondered. Grieving does involve distress,
but also the ability to slowly overcome it. What started out as sadness, will eventually lead to
understanding. According to Dr. Abigal Brenner overcoming grief means learning to trust again,
be honest, and most importantly to be yourself which are all important in preparing for future
relationships after closure (Brenner M.D. 1),. Without trust, how can one trust a relationship will
last. Without honesty, a relationship will not last, and a relationship, even if it is not in the
original form, is better than none at all. It is important to remember the life of a relationship
whether it be the good, the bad or the ugly, and in doing so try to heal the relationship.
Closure revolves around what the individual longs to know and end the relationship on
or possibly salvage the relationship. With that being said, it is important to remember the good
times. In doing so, the bad memories seem to be irrelevant. If more people focused on what is
good, then there would be a lot less hurt in the world. In the book Bubbles: Microspherology by
German Philosopher Peter Sloterdijk, he discusses the world as a sphere. The world they created

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together is shattered, but the survivor is able to use memories to create something new and
brilliant (48). Sloterdijk truly helps illustrate that to begin the process of closure, individuals
must remember all the positive moments they are left with and rebuild relationships based upon
those.
Another important element of closure is forgiveness. Dr. Phil McGraw establishes that
forgiveness is also a vital step in receiving closure through an article on his website (McGraw),
and the forgiveness does not necessarily have to be for the other party. Individuals searching for
closure should forgive themselves for anything they seem to believe they have done wrong,
whether it be not trying hard enough or pushing people away.
A third vital aspect of closure is dealing with the loss and receiving the needed closure to
help prepare for future relationships. According to an article from Psychology Today,
Unfinished business must be completed and resolved before you move on (Brenner M.D.), in
other words being able to come to the conclusion that the outcome is the final one they want is a
key step in reaching closure. In terms of family loss, the future relationship is realizing the
individual was happy and loved them. It is being able to realize they are not in pain any longer,
but they will always be a part of ones life. In cases of divorce, closure is being able to remain
friends whether it be for children, themselves, their families, or because it simply is the right
thing to do. Closure helps build a new relationship out of something that once was, and still
could be.
Loss is difficult; it is painful, scary, and sometimes may seem like too much to handle.
But through perseverance and want, closure is achieved. Some event which once may have been
deemed to be tragic has an entire new meaning to it. It is the beauty of making the best out of
something that is not easy to deal with. It is learning to cope and build on the relationships that

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hope was lost for, but now it is found. The process of seeking closure is long and it may even be
grueling, but in the end it is all for a purpose.
In order to reach closure, one must go through the grief process which contains several
steps and they can vary from doctor to doctor. With that being said, they do have the same
general steps. According to Martha Oates, author of "Understanding the Grief Process: A First
Step to Helping Bereaved Clients grief can be broken down into three phases, and even farther
down into steps. The first phase is known as the avoidance phase. During this, an individual is
just receiving news of the death and trying to understand it. As the person begins to understand
what happened and how the incident happened, they may go into shock because it is a lot of
stress on the body at once. During this stage of shock, one may experience simple weakness to
extreme fatigue. These stages of shock can come out of nowhere, or they may be a building
reaction due to the knowledge of a pending death, such as one due to a terminal illness (30). In
the avoidance phase, one has to recognize the loss, and in doing so they are able to work towards
accepting it and understanding the death.
The first step in this phase is to acknowledge the death. Some people may find it hard to
believe their son lost their life at such a young age. People may find it hard to come to terms
because it was completely unexpected, or maybe they were preparing for it, but did not have
enough time. A variety of things cause people to not want to recognize death. But it is impossible
to try and overcome an event so tragic if the affected do not even begin to think about it.
Victims of September 11, 2001 are prime examples of those who have struggled with this
process, both publically and privately. Some gracious individuals have shared their stories with
Dr. Karen Jordan, author of What We Learned from 9/11: A Terrorism Grief and Recovery
Process Model, in which they preferred to remain nameless. After learning of the initial plane

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striking the Twin Towers, horror hit the people who had loved ones working there at the time.
Panic crossed thousands of faces as people wondered who was going to be hurt and if the people
they loved would make it out alright (348). These people were all on a long road to recovery.
After accepting and coming to terms with how a death occurs, an individual may move
onto the confrontation phase. Confrontation has different meanings in different situations. The
confrontation phase, which happens to be phase two, has three further steps to help individuals
cope. These three steps are referred to as the three Rs. According to Martha Oates, the key to
confrontation is to react, recollect, and relinquish (348).
Reacting is the step in the second phase. In this individuals react to the pain they are
feeling to the incident. Reacting is the tears, it is the late nights with no sleep, and it is talking to
those who were affected by the same situation or similar situations and seeing how they are
trying to cope with it. According to Martha Oates, it is important to realize this stage can last
hours, days, or even years depending on the situation. For example, someone who is going
through a divorce may react until it is finalized, but someone who loses a parent may suffer pain
and heartbreak for years to come, thus reacting the entire time.
It is no doubt everyone who lost someone during the 9/11 attacks suffered some sort of
heartbreak whether it be for a parent, a child, a niece or a nephew. But these individuals all had at
least one thing in common. They have the families of 2,996 victims (9/11 Attacks) which they
can relate to. These families and friends could mourn together and talk through the pain they
were experiencing and in doing so, they completed step one of the second phase.
When going through a loss, many people find it important to remember, which leads to
the second step of phase two. Some people choose to remember the good times they had with an
individual or they choose to remember the quirks that made someone special (Oates 30). The

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purpose of this is to remember the good though. Whether it be about the persons personality,
their drive, or the experiences they provided those. This step makes it a little easier to accept
them being gone because they made the best of them and the memories they could while they
were still around.
Robert Morris Talbot, who interviewed 12 individuals who were personally affected by
9/11 asked in what ways they were able to overcome the pain. One individual claimed they were
able to write poems about the individual they lost. It helped them cope because they were able to
remember everything they loved about the person they lost when all they wanted to do was cry
(157). On a larger scale, family and friends gathered to remember those individuals they had lost.
There were funerals and memorials for so many people and even to this day they continue.
The final step of phase two is to relinquish. Individuals are encouraged to relinquish the
negativity they have regarding the situation. If they remain negative about a situation it makes it
difficult to move past that stage. Relinquishing negativity allows for the room to grow from the
situation (Oates 30). Dwelling on it simply means anger, and prolonged anger only hurts people.
Releasing the negative makes room for positive.
In Talbots, Collective Trauma and its Impact on Private Grief: The Voices of Loved
Ones of 9/11 Victims each individual learned to let go of some of the anger they were
harboring. One in particular did so by seeking out the good in the person she lost. Everything she
took for granted about her late husband, she suddenly saw as beautiful. Although the event still
hurt her, she was able to find the positive in the situation by giving up all the negative thoughts
she had previously had. Focusing on the good made her realize she was lucky to have had the
time with him that she had.

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Focusing on the future is the essence of the third and final phase of the grieving process.
Through this phase, known as accommodation, individuals focus on how to make the experience
something they can live with. They may never truly get over the event all together, but they learn
to move forward. In reality, complete recovery from most losses is unrealistic. But living life as
normally as possible following the event is something everyone can work towards. People learn
to never forget that anything can happen at any time. They learn to never take a day for granted.
They learn to not take life so seriously all the time, but to be careful of the choices they make
because they never know when it is the last time they will see someone.
Although there is a final phase of the grieving process, it never fully ends. People have
flare ups where they miss the person more and more, and they unfortunately break down. They
may need a hug or a shoulder to cry on sometimes, but they deserve that. They suffered things
out of their control that they unwillingly have to deal with their entire lives. The grieving process
has gained ground as something vital to achieving closure. Without this process so many people
would be left with questions they never have answers too.
At the end of the day, loss in inevitable. Sickness occurs and takes many, often times way
earlier than they deserve. Sometimes people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time such as
9/11 or the Boston Marathon Bombing. Grieving is what relates all of these things. Without grief
the world would be an angry, hurting world. People would not know how to deal with horrific
news such as accidents, deaths, or divorces.

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Works Cited
9/11 Attacks. History.com. A+E Networks, 2010. Web. 10 Oct. 2015.
Brenner M.D., Abigail. Five Ways to Find Closure from the Past. Psychology Today. 6 April
2011. Web. 25 September 2015.
Closure. Oxfords Advanced Learners Dictionary. Oxford Dictionaries. 2015. Web. 25
September 2015.
Independent Jewelers. Scott Kay Engagement Ring Proposal Commercial 120s. Online Video
Clip. Youtube. Youtube, 31 October 2013. Web. 11 September 2015.
Jordan, Karin. "What we Learned from 9/11: A Terrorism Grief and Recovery Process Model."
Brief Treatment and Crisis Intervention 5.4 (2005): 340. ProQuest. Web. 8 Oct. 2015.
McGraw, Phil. How to Deal with Emotional Closure. 2014. Web. 24 September 2015.
Oates, Martha. "Understanding the Grief Process: A First Step to Helping Bereaved Clients."
TCA Journal 31.1 (2003): 29. ProQuest. Web. 9 Oct. 2015.
Sloterdijk, Peter. Bubbles: Microspherology. Trans. Wieland Hoban. Los Angeles, CA:
Semiotext(e), 2011. Print.
Talbot, Robert Morris. "Collective Trauma and its Impact on Private Grief: The Voices of Loved
Ones of 9/11 Victims." Order No. 3449814 New York University, 2011. Ann Arbor:
ProQuest. Web. 9 Oct. 2015.