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EvanCulver
English250SectionSD
Assignment5RevisionSummary
SamanthaFuthey
December11,2015
Formyrevision,Ichoseassignment3,thevisualanalysisassignment.Ireorganizedmy
pointstoflowbetterandstartwiththemostimportantpartsofmyanalysis.Althoughmy
previousdrafthadmanygoodideasandpoints,Ifailedtoelaborateonmanyofthem,soI
correctedthatinthisrevision.IalsoanalyzedmoreaboutwhyAdidaschoseDerrickRoseasa
spokespersonandfinally,Imadesyntacticalimprovementsandaddedaworkscitedpagewhich
Iforgottodoinmypreviousdraft.
BeforeIchangedanydetailsinmypiece,Irethoughtthebestwaytoorganizemypoints.
Ichosetostartbyanalyzingthevisualelementsoftheadandthenanalyzingtheaudience
becausethevisualanalysiscomprisesthebulkofwhatIsay.Additionally,itismorebasicand
fundamentaltowhatIdiscuss,soitisbettertoputatthestart.Mypointsaboutaudienceare
morenuancedanddomoretosupportmypointsaboutthedesignchoicesthantheotherway
around,soitmademoresensetoputthemattheend.Itisimportanttostartwiththebigideasof
athesisbecausethenthesmalleronessupportthem,anditishardtodotheotherwayaround.
Althoughmyargumentsabouttheaudienceweremorenuanced,Ididnotgivethesame
levelofdetailedanalysistothevisualelementsoftheadvertisement.Forthisreason,Iexpanded
onseveralparagraphs.Forexample,inoneparagraphIsaidthatthewordbeliefholdsthe
centralmessageoftheadwithoutevenexplainingwhatthatmessagewas.Instead,Ijuststarted
talkingabouttheimagecomponents.IalsoexpandedonsomeofthereasonswhyAdidasmade
theirdesigndecisionssuchascreatingauthenticitybymakingtheAdidaslogomoresubtle.I
actuallychosetoputthisbeforemypointaboutbelief.Althoughbeliefismorecentraltothe

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messageofthead,itisnecessarytoexplainhowittiesintotheimageofRoseandwhatkindof
messageitsends,apointthatshouldcomeafteranalyzingthetextualelements.IfIstartedwith
analyzingthevisualelements,thepointaboutbeliefwouldbeburiedevenfurtherinthebody.I
alsoaddedaparagraphaboutwhyAdidaschoseDerrickRoseasaprofessionalathleteto
representtheirbrand,whichIrelatedbacktoaudiencebecauseAdidaschoseRosepurposefully
totargetaveryspecificaudience.IfIwastowritealongerIpaper,Iwouldalsoincludemore
visualanalysisoflightingandcolorandhowtheyaffectthewaythemessageisexpressed.
Becauseofmychangeinorganizationandcontentthroughthepiece,Ichangedmy
introductionandconclusiontoreflectthat.Intheintroduction,Ikeptthecontextbasicallythe
same,exceptIexplainedmorehowRoserelatestoAdidassadcampaign.Iendedwithmythesis
sothatitwouldbeclearwhatmyargumentwas,andImadeitalittlemorespecificregarding
whatIwouldtalkabout.Therewerereallytwocomponentsofmyanalysis,visualsandaudience,
andinordertowriteanythingspecificaboutwhatIwoulddiscuss,Ihadtodividemythesisinto
twosentencestoavoidarunon.Inmyconclusion,Ikeptmostofitthesame,butIchangedita
bitattheendinorderforittomakemoresenseandtobetterwrapthingsup.Theconclusionhad
afocusedandspecificthesis,andstillwasquiteclearthatitspurposewastoconcludemyessay.
Becauseofthis,therewaslittleelsetoaddortakeaway.
Syntactically,Itriedtocleanupmywritingabitandmakeitmoreconciseandclear.I
avoidedshort,choppysentenceswhilesimultaneouslyavoidingwordiness.Itendedtobe
redundantinalotofsentences,soIcutphrasesouttomakemysentencessimplerandmyideas
morepronounced.Therewerealsoafewsentencesthatdidnotmakemuchsensesuchasthe
pointshouldbetointroducepeopletoDerrickRoseandcreatehypearoundhisreturn.This

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sentencedidnotappearnecessaryandalsoseemedabitrandom.Theserevisionsshouldmake
mypapereasiertoreadandmoreengaging.
Ialsoforgottoaddaworkscitedpageinmypreviousdraft,butfortunatelytherewasnot
muchtocitebeyondtheadvertisement.IamnotsureifIneededtociteanythingabouthim
winningtheMVPawardorhowoldhewaswhenhedidthatbecauseIdonothavetocite
commonknowledge.Ibelievethosefactsarecommonknowledgebecausetheyareeasily
verifiableinmultipleplaces.Beyondthat,everythingelsewasjustmyownanalysis.
Overall,giventhemorebriefnatureofthispiece,IfeelthatIgaveadeepanalysisand
madestructuralchangestomakethepieceflowmorelogicallyandconvincingly.Itriedtomake
iteasiertoreadbychangingsomegrammaerandsentenceleveldetailsaswell.Evennow,itisa
workinprogress,butIbelieveitismuchimprovedfromthelastdraft.