Essendrup1

How To Be A Pessimist
So you think you have what it takes to be a pessimist! You probably wont be
any good at it.
Hello! Welcome to Pessimism 101. Dont expect too much out of this.
Im not very good at it, in fact, Im downright egregious. Feel free to try, just
realize that most banal pedestrians dont have what it takes. Follow these
steps carefully, and you might just get hurt, or even better, learn something!
Antipathy 1: Friends are for Facebook

Via http://district.ops.org/portals/0/CurrandLearn/Career
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Dissocialize yourself. Who needs friends? Theyre hardly imperative. Who
wants to waste time looking at what other people are having for dinner, or
how theyre living much more interesting lives than you are? Dump your
friends. Realize that most of them probably do not have any altruistic
reasons for hanging out with you. They do so because their other friends do
so. But dont worry, youll probably die young and theyll forget all
about you. Or better yet, theyll die first and youll be left a lonely loner. Life
is short, why waste it on friends when you could be eating your feelings,
rotting in prison, going to an insane asylum or bowling?
Antipathy 2: This is it.

Essendrup2

Via http://img.wonderhowto.com/img/12/38/63489612971054/0/end-worldsurvival-guide-staying-alive-during-nuclear-holocaust.1280x600.jpg
The end is nigh. Face it, even though the 2012 apocalypse was a government
conspiracy, those zombies are comin, and you can bet that youll be at
ground zero. Prepare now and you might just be ready to bust some heads
when the cataclysm comes, and then die anyways (but hey, A for effort).
Start your preparation with your home. Move out to the country someplace
with a large bomb-shelter-looking hole. After youve finished your bomb
shelter and stocked it up, burn it all because you wont last long enough to
use any of it. Become mentally prepared for the reality that you will
soon be a member of the undead.

Antipathy 3: Work smarter not harder.

Via
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Take the path of least resistance. There are two ways of doing things. You
can work harder- and lets face it, youre too lazy for that- or
smarter. Since we both know that youre not, as they say, the sharpest
cookie in the shed, why even try? In math class, youll find that
guesstimating the answers gives you the same grade you would have
gotten anyways; a bad one. When I write a redundant paper, say on
Pessimism, I realize that nobody who isnt either a loser or psychopath would
read this far into it. Really, I could write anything bombastic at this point.
Potatoes and cheesy broccoli into pickled stank cuz me timbers be shivered.
Arrr. Read this far, or did you skim here?

Essendrup3

Well, I hope youve felt this salient waste of time useful. Even though you will
take nothing away from this, you are still well on your way to pessimism. Just
realize that no matter what you do in life there will always be someone
better than you at it. But its okay, because were all going to die someday
anyways. But hey, I hear black is the new black.