English 101

Justine Conway
Ms. Mccampbell
October 21, 2015

Justine this essay shows a connection with the topic. Your thesis is a good one, and you
support it well throughout the essay with good details from the book. You reveal outstanding
insight.
However, there are two significant shortcomings that brought your grade down: first, you
did not use any outside research to comment on a broader topic such as urban poverty or drug
culture can ruin a life. Second, you have lots of grammatical and punctuation errors they
reveal that you did not revise or edit the essay.
I want to meet with you at least three times throughout your work on Essay 3 to manage
your getting ideas, researching background and composing and editing the essay.
Endless Possibilities 67/110

Growing up in Baltimore Md, a person can encounter many obstacles in his or her lives
that could either make or break a person. They could make someone rise above all of the
hardship or either fall victim to all the negativity thats around them. In The Other Wes Moore
Wes Moore 2 encountered many trying times from money, drugs, to ultimately life changing peer
pressure.
The next paragraph deals with two topics: Tonys influence on Wes and lack of moneys
influence on Wes. You should break it up into two paragraphs.
On the streets of Baltimore two men with the same name grew up to have totally different
fates, one being positive (Wes Moore 1) and with the other being negative (Wes Moore 2). Wes

English 101
Justine Conway
Ms. Mccampbell
October 21, 2015

Moore 2 grew up in a neighborhood called Cherry Hill with his Mom Mary and his older brother
Tony. Being that Wes didnt have a father figure growing up he looked up to his brother Tony
who hung out in Murphy Homes projects where his dad lives. Tony hung out with the local drug
dealers, he was not what someone should call a positive role model. Even though Tony was not a
good role model he still tried to push Wes into doing the right thing he did not want to see his
brother turnout like he did. Tony was on Wes about school Yo, you need to take this shit
seriously, man. Acting stupid aint cool!(Moore 27). Growing up Wes 2 had become friends
with Woody whom he met when he first moved to Cherry Hill. Wess mother always being at
work and not paying close attention to Wes about his school work his grades started dropping,
with Wes being out with woody and him looking up to Tony he got into a fight where he was
attempting to stab the boy because of Tony words of wisdom for him to send a message or so he
thought. Little did he know that if he followed the advice that Tony had given him it would
change his life for the worst. With drugs being evident in Wes 2 life it would have a matter of
time before Wes would fall victim to the streets. Wes complained to his mother about his
wardrobe and he desperately wanted his mother to give him money so that he could buy new
clothes and be just as fresh as Tony; (Moore 55.)one day Wes was coming home when he came
across a guy wearing all the latest trends just like he stepped out a music video, Wes wanted in,
Wes quickly approached the young guy to see where he can get the same gear that he has and
from there after that Wes thought that all his money problems were solved; And, as you know
more money more problems.
This paragraph begins with a good topic sentence and is supported with excellent details! This
is a good paragraph.

English 101
Justine Conway
Ms. Mccampbell
October 21, 2015

Wes 2 became so engulfed in the drug game he allowed it to take control of his whole
life. Knowing first hand all the problems that the drug game bring with tony becoming a victim
to the violence. Wes had his first encounter with pot and alcohol when he had taken his moms
pot when she left for work, Wes's mother knew that he had felt the effects of the drug and alcohol
so her only advice to him was Well, at least now you know how bad it feels and you will stay
away from drinking (Moore.62). But this was just the beginning of a long hard road in the drug
industry. Wes started to keep up with all the latest trends and his which made his mother become
worried about where he was getting the money from, Wes easily lied and told he that he had
gotten money from becoming a dj, Wess mother believed him but his brother Tony was not
buying it. (69.) Tony attempted multiple time to get his mother to open her eyes and realize that
Wes was selling drugs but to no avail she was convinced that Wes was telling the truth. Tony
took matters into his own hands and fought Wes to try and get his point across by that time it was
too late Wes was already in too deep. So instead of being mad at Wes, Tony took him under his
wing and it all goes downhill from there. Although, Wes fell into the wrong crowd he tried to
change his life for the better for the sake of his family. Wes attended Job Corps in Howard
County Maryland; Wes did astonishing in school he had all the other students looking too him
for help. After being in Job Corps for 7 months Wes graduated and was now able to go out and
venture out on his own to get a job, Wes started working temporary landscaping jobs in
Baltimore County where he was not making enough money to take care of his children. With his
first baby mother Alicia complaining about money and Cheryl his second baby mother stealing
his money, it made Wes go back to the lifestyle that he knew with Jay-z playing in the backround
Wes returned to the kitchen.

English 101
Justine Conway
Ms. Mccampbell
October 21, 2015

With the pressure of not having enough money and not being able to take care of his
family like he wants, Tony talked Wes into going on a jewelry store heist with him. After robbing
the store Tony did the unthinkable he shot a police officer. (147) With the other guys trying to get
rid of their merchandise they called someone whose phone had a police wiretap and thats what
led to all the robbers arrest. With their arrest they started telling the next day they were Americas
most wanted. The police and detectives were harassing everyone who knew of the two brothers
until they found them in Philadelphia where they went to hide at their uncles house. By this time
Wes knew his life was over, no matter how hard he tried to change he still let the pressure of the
streets overpower him. Now his life is over all because he wanted to follow behind Tony. Wes
and Tony now both serve life sentences in prison, unfortunately Tony dies a couple years later of
kidney failure and leaves Wes to face his harsh reality by himself.
In conclusion, no matter where a person comes from everyone is in charge of their own
success. Whether you fall victim to peer pressure, start selling drugs or grow up without having a
lot of money, you can determine how your life turns out.

Work Cited Good job

Moore, Wes. The Other Wes Moore. New York: Spiegel&Grau Trade Paperback, 2011. Print.
ENGL 101

English 101
Justine Conway
Ms. Mccampbell
October 21, 2015
M. McCampbell

Essay 2 -The Other Wes Moore

Scoring Rubric

Item

Does not meet C

Meets C standard

Introduction
>6

0-5 points
No intro device
Flat statement

6 - 7 points
Uses effective intro
device to connect
reader to topic
Identifies which Wes
Moore and influence

Thesis
>9

0-4 points
Flat statement of
fact;
Broad influence
Thesis is not
completely
developed

Influencing
Factor
>drugs, poverty
good details 10

0- 4 points

5 7 points
Assertion shows a
clear perspective of
what influenced the
Wes Moore of your
choice
All ideas are
developed in the
essay.
5 - 7 points

Incomplete
description, e.g.
omits who is
affected and/or how;
topic is too broad
No support from The
Other Wes Moore
0-4 points

Narrows down the

influence, provides
background and how
Wes Moore is
influenced. Includes
two cited examples
from the book.
5 - 7 points

Cites evidence
from The Other
Wes Moore and
interprets Moores
statements to the
essay.

Broader social
implications are not
clear or vaguely
referenced.
No broader social
implications are
mentioned.

Two researched
details are identified
and connected to the
Wes of your choice is
clear.
Good details: RENNS

3 researched
details are
identified,
detailed (RENNS),
and cited. These
broader social
implications are
clearly connected
to the Wes Moore
of your choice. .

Expanded
Social Issue
>0

Exceeds C
Standard
8 - 10 points
Uses specific
detail in
introduction that
illustrates
significance of
influence and
broader social
implication.
8 10 points
Strong persuasive
assertion that
clearly connects
Moores outcome
with the
influence/s

8 10 points

8 - 10 points

English 101
Justine Conway
Ms. Mccampbell
October 21, 2015
Conclusion
> 8 the end of
the second to
last paragraph
had terrific
concluding ideas
as well 8

In-text
citations
>2 no outside
sources

1- 4 points
Restates
thesis or
provides an
incomplete
summary

0-2 points

5 - 7points
Clearly summarizes
the influence/s on the
Wes of your choice
and links them with
the broader social
implications.

3 - 4 points

No references to
assigned reading;
Refers to sources,
but does not cite
them;
Some material is
not cited correctly.

Uses two reference

to assigned reading;
uses correct in-text
format.
Correctly used two
references from
outside sources.
Uses two different
ways of including
outside information.
Citations link
correctly to work
cited entries.
Minimum of two
errors

Work cited
>1

0-2points
No work cited list
Only one entry on
work cited list

Composition
Structure>7

0-4 points
One or two topic
sentences missing;
Paragraphs lack
unity

3 - 4 points
Three entries on work
cited list, correctly
cited and
alphabetized. One or
two errors.
5-7 points
Clearly stated topic
sentences;
Paragraphs clearly
relate to thesis

Coherence>7

Paragraph not
related to topic;
Organization does
not follow a
clearpattern;

Paragraphs arranged
in logical order;
Ideas follow logical
development
Employs transitions

8 - 10 points
In addition to
meeting criteria
for a conclusion,
the conclusion
includes a
reflective
statement about
the significance.
5points
Uses two or more
references to
assigned reading
and cites them
correctly. Uses
two or more
references to
outside sources
and identifies
their relevance to
the reader.
Integrates
material into the
text in a variety
of ways. No errors
in citation
5 points
More than three
entries on the
work cited list.
No errors
8-10 points
Topic sentences
are specifically
worded and link
thesis and all
supporting
material
Transitions move
ideas clearly
throughout essay;
Ideas build on
each other to

English 101
Justine Conway
Ms. Mccampbell
October 21, 2015
emphasize thesis;
Writers voice is
clear and
authoritative;
Employs specific
words; employs
active voice and
specific verbs;
Wording is
concise
Spelling, grammar, and sentence mechanics errors 1 point for each error, prorated
by 500 words.
Clarity>4 poor
proofreading/edi
ting

Abrupt changes;
Wording is vague;
Words are confused
with other meanings
Grammatical
conventions are
infracted;
Uses second person
prn;

when necessary
Uses appropriate
pronouns;
Avoids redundant
wording;
Uses words correctly
Avoids slang and
worn out cliches

Errors: You begin with 20 points. You lose one point for each of the following errors: -14/2 =
-7=13
Spelling

pronoun use

Capitalization

comma splice

Subj/verb agreement

run-on/fused sentence

Incorrect verb form

sentence fragment

Verb tense

Begin sentence with coordinating conj.

Punctuation with direct and indirect quotations

Apostrophe errors

Comma error with coordinating conjunction

pronoun/antecedent agreement