Marisa Iglesias

February 18, 2015

Comm Theory
Research Paper
Chapter 11

Relational Dialectics Theory: The Framework Through Which a Myriad of Relationships

Can Be Understood

Relational Dialectics, the ongoing tug-o-war we experience in every relationship,

whether it be familial, friendly, or romantic. They are ever present and ever changing.
Creepy? Comforting? Whatever we may think, they are there. According to Em Griffin
(2015) in A First Look at Communication Theory, relational dialectics can be described
as a dynamic knot of contradictions in personal relationships; an unceasing interplay
between contrary or opposing tendencies (p. 137). Theorists Leslie Baxter and Barbara
Montgomery led the charge in researching and studying relational dialects, and many
others have since followed suit. Relational dialectics is continually being applied to
understand and explain these interpersonal contradictions. Within relational dialectics, a
widely looked at concept is internal dialectics; the ongoing tensions played out within a
relationship (Griffin, 2015, p. 139). Through the lens of internal dialectics, researches
have studied a variety of relationships and revealed the truth and breadth behind this
theory.

One such relationship that researchers Meredith Harrigan and Aimee Miller-Ott
focused on is the mother-daughter relationship, namely with college-aged daughters. In
their 2013 journal article, The Multivocality of Meaning Making: An Exploration of the
Discourses College-Aged Daughters Voice in Talk about Their Mothers, Harrigan and
Miller-Ott used relational dialectics theory to illuminate the interplay of discourses
college-aged women voice as they talk with others about their relationships with their
mothers (p. 114). The data they gathered evidently shows the dynamic tension of
internal dialectics, connected mother-daughter relationships involved mothers trying
to stay connected to daughters but also acknowledging daughters need for privacy.
Enmeshed mother-daughter relationships were characterized by mothers feeling
threatened by daughters transitions and resenting daughters disclosures about their
transitions (p. 116). Here, we see mothers trying to navigate the constant ebb and flow
of dialectics to stay connected to their daughters while trying to also give them their
much-needed space. After all, Contradictions, from a dialectical perspective, are an
inevitable, natural state of relationships that fluctuate over time (Jenna StephensonAbetz & Amanda Holman, 2012, p. 178).
In their article, Home is Where the Heart is: Facebook and the Negotiation of
Old and New During the Transition to College, Stephenson-Abetz and Holman also
see the meanings in these fluctuating contradictions in new college students and how they
communicatively negotiate the web of old and new relationships in the age of
Facebook (p. 175). Stephenson-Abetz and Holman find that in the lives of young
adults transitioning to college on Facebook, oppositional forces created situations where
students desire both uniqueness and conformity within the various communities that

constitute their relational lives, and it is in the interplay, in the negotiation of competing
desires, where meaning is created for these students (p. 178).
The dialects seen in the newfound freedom of college students seem to be
heightened in this generation where instant interaction is possible. on one hand
daughters value the opportunity to be independent from their mothers, yet too much
independence makes them feel disconnected from their mothers (p. 128). It is
fascinating that Stephenson-Abetz and Holman zero in on the dialectics that are present
in the age of Facebook. Harrigan and Miller-Ott similarly found relational dialectics at
play specifically through the Internet and modern technology, the opportunities for
mothers and daughters to stay in contact through Internet and cell phones may enhance
their closeness, but at the same time inhibit their autonomy (p. 117). Daughters being
able to talk with their mother whenever may increase their connection, but the fierce
freedom that is associated with their new college life can become jaded.
Stephenson-Abetz and Holman likewise saw that living in this Facebook age has
opened a whole new can of worms in regards to how relational dialects affects young
people entering college, Students overwhelmingly remarked that Facebook helped them
connect to the new world of college at the same time it linked them to the communities
they left behind. With time and space no longer inhibiting a connection to all the peoples
in our relational lives, college students must negotiate their conflicting desires for
preservation of the past- connection to the comfort of old and familiar ties- with their
desire to disconnect and reach out for new possibilities of (re)invention (p. 183).
With their past, present and future at their fingertips, literally, college students are
left with much trickier waters to navigate than the old-fashioned leave it all behind and

start anew mentality. In many ways Facebook enables college students to bring home
into an arena traditionally defined by separation, new beginnings, and newfound
independence (p. 178). Facebook also brings out the tension of what to show online and
who to show it to, which can again be confusing when a new college student is still
figuring out the tensions of their old and new identities, Negotiating old and new selves
was interwoven with tensions about revealing and concealing information on Facebook
as well as revealing and concealing knowledge gained from Facebook in face-to-face
interaction (p. 185).
Relational dialectics are clearly seen and explored in college-aged students with
their mothers, online networks and person identities. They have also been studied in
break ups and long distance relationships. Erin Sahlstein and Tim Dun designed [a]
multiple case study to explore the ways that individual needs for separation intertwine
with the needs of a dyad in the dissolution of romantic relationships (Sahlstein & Dun,
2008, p. 43). In their 2008 study, I Wanted Time to Myself and He Wanted to Be
Together All the Time: Constructing Breakups as Managing Autonomy-Connection,
Sahlstein and Dun transcribed and analyzed interviews of eight heterosexual couples
prior to their break ups, and then individual interviews after their break ups. Sahlstein and
Dun revealed that individuals in personal relationships have consistently reported
experiencing a contradiction between their simultaneous need for separation and
integration. For Baxter [1988], this contradiction is central during relational termination,
as this process is inherently a change from a particular kind of connection to autonomy
(p. 38). While the then-couples realized the contradiction was tearing their relationship
apart, they were inept at finding the balance that would have in turn saved their

relationship. Sahlstein and Dun saw relational dialects theory come to life as they
observed how too much integration comes with the loss of autonomy and
individuality, whereas extreme separation limits connection and can threaten the
relationship (p. 37). Through their study on internal dialects, it was clear that successful
relationships require a balance within the constant tensions.
Sahlstein participates in another research project with Katheryn Macguire and
Lindsay Timmerman, in which this much-needed balance is again seen with clarity in the
marriages of deployed servicemen, In all personal relationships partners must negotiate
their need to be together, united, and interdependent with their need to be apart, distinct,
and independent (Sahlstein, Macguire, & Timmerman, 2009, p. 424). This project,
Contradictions and Praxis Contextualized by Wartime Deployment: Wives Perspectives
Revealed through Relational Dialectics at last sheds some light on the relational dialects
experienced within these military relationships during something as challenging as
wartime deployment. By asking fifty army wives to share what they, their marriages, and
their families went through before, during and after their husbands most recent
deployment, the researches developed an understanding, through relational dialectics, of
marriage and deployment (p. 421). Whereas relational dialectics has been used
extensively to examine varied family dynamics scholars have not used the theory to
examine the communicative context of military families, which have long been
recognized as a roller-coaster ride (p. 424).
Among the many results of the roller-coaster ride of deployment, Sahlstein and
Duns break up study provides a similar scenario of the reunion between a long distance
or deployed partner and their significant other, reunited partners report missing the

autonomy they had when they were living in separate locations. The move from one
extreme (autonomy) to the other (connection) requires adjustment (p. 41). This
adjustment period for deployed husbands coming home to their wives and families was
observed by Sahlstein, Macguire and Timmerman and showed the relational dialectics
between the spouses as they learned how to communicate again and alter back to life with
dad.
[Relational Dialectics Theory] is especially useful to understanding experiences
of change, struggle, challenge, and contradiction (Stephenson-Abetz & Holman, 2012,
p. 178). As seen in the previously mentioned studies, long distance relationships can
certainly fit in as experiences of change, struggle, challenge, and contradiction. They
have also been seen to create an intentionality within relationships that is not exactly
realistic bur serves to maximize a couples time together, Since much of [long-distance
marital partners] interaction is dictated ahead of time, the need for unpredictable
activities is heightened in these relationships. Long-distance partners desire a blend of
routine with spontaneous interaction (Erin Sahlstein, 2006, p. 148-149).
In yet another study with Erin Sahlstein, Making Plans: Praxis Strategies for
Negotiating Uncertainty-Certainty in Long-Distance Relationships (2006), twenty
couples in long-distance dating relationships were interviewed and interpreted through a
relational dialectics perspective to determine how planning adds to and takes away from
certainty (147). While planning certainly ensures no time is wasted per say, it also gives
each partner an inaccurate interpretation of normal life with their significant other,
commuter couples tend to do couple activities when they are together (connection) and
individual activities when they are apart (autonomy) (p. 150).

Baxter and Montgomerys relational dialectics theory is one that is vividly alive
and continues to be expanded and built upon today. Researchers flock to the theory in
order to gain insight on the many intricacies and confusions of any and all human
relationships. Though the basis of the theory itself seems complicated and abstract, it
accurately shows that each utterance can be viewed as an interdependent thread
within a communicative quilt, interwoven to every thread that surrounds it (StephensonAbetz & Holman, 2012, p. 178). The dynamic tensions that are constantly swirling within
our relationships are made sense of through the work of researchers like Baxter and
Sahlstein. The broad array of relationships (from mother-daughter to marriage in wartime
deployment) that researchers have tackled by looking at them through the framework of
relational dialectics, affirms the legitimacy of the theory.

Reference List
Griffin, E. (2015). A First Look at Communication Theory. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill
Education
Harrigan, M., Miller-Ott, A. (2013). The multivocality of meaning making: an
exploration of the discourses college-aged daughters voice in talk about their
mothers. Journal of Family Communication, 13, 114-131.
Sahlstein, E. (2006). Making plans: praxis strategies for negotiating uncertainty-certainty
in long-distance relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 70 (2), 147165
Sahlstein, E., Dun, T. (2008). I wanted time to myself and he wanted to be together all
the time: constructing breakups as managing autonomy-connection. Qualitative
Research Reports in Communication, 9 (1), 37-45.
Sahlstein, E., Macguire, K. C., Timmerman, T. (2009). Contradictions and praxis
contextualized by wartime deployment: wives perspectives revealed through
relational dialectics. Communication Monographs 76 (4), 421-442.
Stephenson-Abetz, J., Holman, A. (2012). Home is where the heart is: Facebook and the
negotiation of old and new during the transition to college. Western Journal of
Communication, 76 (2), 175-193.