SHAME AND SELF COMPASSION:

WORKSHEET
Start with the exercise of trying to see the difference between rethinking thoughts (those that
are about other ways you could have done things), and shaming thoughts (or those that contain
accusations about your personal defects or failures that caused these problems).
Rethinking/regretful thoughts:
1.
2.
3.
4.

I wish I had known about ______ earlier on.

Its painful at holidays covering for my husband.
Perhaps if I tried to do ______, then things would have turned out differently.
I wish I was able to be less angry.

Shaming thoughts:
1. I should have known about _____ earlier on.
2. Maybe well skip Thanksgiving its so humiliating dealing with these questions. (isolating)
3. How did I not think to try ______, then things would have turned out differently.
(perfectionism)
4. My anger is totally unacceptable (shame turned to blame)
Next, write several shaming thoughts you have had recently related to interactions, feelings
or events around your partners substance use struggles. Then, try to re-phrase that shaming
thought into one that may express regret, but is not shaming of you or another.
Shaming thought: ____________________________________________________________
Rethinking/regretful thoughts: ___________________________________________________

Shaming thought: ____________________________________________________________

Rethinking/regretful thoughts: ___________________________________________________

Shaming thought: ____________________________________________________________

Rethinking/regretful thoughts: ___________________________________________________
Helping by Taking Care of Yourself

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This practice, of noticing the shame basis of certain thoughts and then working to re-do them
in a more self-accepting way, is a powerful step toward self-compassion and relief from the toxic
effects of shame.

APPRECIATING YOU!
To start to get the important benefits of kindness and openness (as opposed to shame), it is
important to practice an attitude of kindness and openness toward ourselves not only in response
to our shortcomings, but our strengths as well. Just as we all have imperfections, we all have
strengths. In the exercise below, take several moments to acknowledge some of the strengths
you possess. List ten qualities that you really appreciate about yourself. If you get uncomfortable,
remind yourself that you are not claiming that you are perfect or better than anyone else. You are
simply noting the good qualities that you sometimes display.
1.

6.

2.

7.

3.

8.

4.

9.

5.

10.

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The Partners 20 Minute Guide

Helping by Taking Care of Yourself

53

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The Partners 20 Minute Guide