Reviewers: Aaron, Kim

Writer: Aliyah

Peer Review: Photographic Memory Narrative

Directions: Please respond to the following questions in as much detail as possible.
Writers: list two or three questions or concerns you have about your draft that youd
like to discuss with your group. (Reviewers: Be sure to address these questions
here)
Lengthy, non essential details

Repeating ideas

Conflict
1. Does the narrative have conflict or tension? Remember, we want to share the
complex, messy realities of our experience, not the Instagram version. Explain.
Yes, the internal conflict of understanding her grandmas death and what it
means to herself and her family
Persuasiveness
2. Are you persuaded to sympathize with the narrator (the writer)? Have they
crafted themselves into complex characters, or do they feel flat and vague?
Provide examples from the text and explain.
Yes yes yes yes yes. It gives me, the reader, a very sad and serious feeling
3. Are there any ideas or phrases that strike you as well-worn or clich? Is the essay
turning the familiar on its head or should these phrases be reworked so they are
striking and novel?
None that I picked up on.
4. In our practice Peer Review, we discussed how the author was summarizing her
experience, rather than slowing down and crafting a narrative. We concluded that
what she had written wasnt the story she needed to tell. Do the storys
constraintsits framing, what includes and leaves outfeel comfortable? Would
a narrower version of the story be more effective? Explain.
I feel fine
Concrete Details
5. Point out places where the writer effectively uses concrete, sensory details to
illuminate their characters or setting. Why are these so powerful?
When she describes her grandmas house and when she flashbacks to who she was
as a person and what she used to do. Its powerful because it paints a picture in our
minds.
Strength of Introduction and Conclusion
6. Does the introduction/hook create genuine interest? Does it fall into the trap of
being vague context, and the story really begins in the second paragraph or
later? Why?
Yes
7. Does the essay illustrate the writers revelation or evolution? How?

The writer tells her revelation and evolution at the end. She describes how she feels
and how she behaves differently, but its not illustrated with examples or dialogue or
events that occurred to prove this.
Most Successful Passage
8. Choose a passage (1-4 sentences) and explain why it is successful.
The passage where she describes her grandmothers house. the uneasy
feeling of robbing my grandmother as if I were a tomb raider is successful
because it illustrates how she felt. It helps her describe her experience going
through her grandmas belongings.
Style
9. Long sentences are fine if they move well, but point out any parts that seem
choppy or pretentious (needlessly esoteric or verbose).
sometimes
Editing
10. Dont do a complete editing job, but do point out the most distracting slips in
usage and mechanics.
Commas and sentence breaks.
Other
11. Note any other questions or feedback you have for the writer here. This is
important: since every paper is unique, they will each have their own successes
and concerns that may not be addressed above.
The passage where she talks about her grandmas house is extremely descriptive
and paints imagery in my mind that I enjoy; why not do that in other parts of the
essay? Much of the narrative is a summary of what happened. We want the
details!
Next Steps
12. Work with the writer to devise a plan for revision. Summarize the writers next steps
here.
Grammar.
We encourage Aliyah re-do her paragraphs where she summarizes her
experiences. Pick certain scenes/memories to describe in more details, like
dialogue, what exactly happened, and sensory details.