Revision 1:

Initial Text:
Often identifying and being familiar with a genre plays a key role in being able to
critically analyze a piece of rhetoric. A genre is a category of literature, art or
entertainment that is based on certain defining criteria (Britannica). Genres involve
multiple rhetorical features and conventions, all of which contribute to the overall
definition of a particular genre.

Observation/Question Regarding Text:

Gilbertson, I appreciate how you're providing a broad overview of what genre is/could
be, but I think that this is a suuuuuper dry start. YOU are so witty and interesting -- can
you use that to your advantage and whip up a catchy/attention-getting opener?

Changes I Made To Initial Text:

Whether it be an IKEA instruction manual, or a cereal box riddle, genres come in
various ways, shapes, and forms. Genres involve multiple rhetorical features and
conventions, all of which contribute to the overall definition of its genre.

How This Changed My Paper:

The opening sentence is one of the most important parts of a piece of writing. The first
sentence is essentially the first impression of an essay, and slightly distributes the
authors personality and general overall topic. This alteration in my first sentence
gives the reader a more quirky and relatable outlook on genre.

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!

Revision 2:
Initial Text:
Although specific genres comprise of many similar conventions, rhetorical features are
versatile based on the intended audience.

Observation/Question Regarding Text:

Alright, this thesis statement is a good start, but I'd like you to get a lot more specific -what specific conventions will you be analyze? And why? What rhetorical features are
versatile? What audience(s) are being addressed? And -- "so what?" Why is it worth
paying attention to this? The more detail you can give me early on, the more focused I
will be as a reader -- I'll know what's coming up and what to be looking out for.

Changes I Made To Initial Text:

I added the specific conventions Im focusing on into the thesis statement. I included
the addressed audiences in the prior sentence with the listed sources, because
including it in the thesis statement is overwhelming.

How This Changed My Paper:

The more specificity I can provide in the thesis statement, the better the understanding
of my overall essay argument. Readers want to be able to pinpoint exactly what will be
discussed and argued throughout the essay.

Revision 3:
Initial Text: The underlying purpose of a biography can differ amongst audiences, but
generally seeks to re-create in words the life of a human beingas understood from
the historical or personal perspective of the authorby drawing upon written, visual,
and oral evidence (Britannica).

Observation/Question Regarding Text: I don't want you to be too reliant on Britannica

here. With our course readings, our chats during lectures/activities, and the sources
you've selected, I think they provide enough information for you to draw on. I want to
see your thinking here much more than Britannicas.

Changes I Made To Initial Text: I took out the ideas I originally paraphrased from
Britannica, and alternatively created a shorter, more simple sentence: The underlying
purpose of a biography can differ amongst audiences, but generally seeks to re-create
in words the life of a human being by drawing upon written, visual, and oral evidence

How This Changed My Paper: Removing Britannicas ideas from my writing enhances
the originality of my paper. Without the use of irrelevant external sources, the audience
can understand personality and voice.

Revision 4:
Initial Text: A biography extracted directly from Lleyton Hewitts personal website
Lleyton & Bec Hewitt is aimed at a specific audience, thus influencing the
conventions within the genre. The website which Hewitt collaborates with his wife
Bec Hewitt is aimed primarily at his mature tennis fans, sponsors, officials, and his
professional counterparts.

Observation/Question Regarding Text: I'd like to see you "condense" this information -- I
think you can get this same exact information across in half the words/space.

Changes I Made To Initial Text: On Lleyton Hewitts personal website Lleyton & Bec
Hewitt, his biography is primarily aimed at his mature tennis fans, sponsors, officials,
and his professional counterparts, thus influencing the conventions within the
biography genre.

How This Changed My Paper: Doing this enables me to get straight to the point of the
topic sentence, rather than adding unnecessary information, which may confuse the
audience.!

Revision 5:
Initial Text: The textual tone of a biography can either be in a narrative style, statistical,
or an emotional and descriptive writing style depending on the target audience. Each
biography possesses a unique style, with the colors, layout, and photographs all
contributing to the overall theme implemented for the specific audience. The formulaic
structure of biographies are generally consistent, with clear headings, sub-headings,
followed by a chronologically

Observation/Question Regarding Text: Cut right to it. I feel like you might be padding/
fluffing this just a bit. Tell me your argument, then, piece by piece, lay it down on me -one piece of evidence (+ follow-up analysis) at a time.

Changes I Made To Initial Text:

Each biography possesses a unique style, with the colors, layout, and photographs all
contributing to the overall theme implemented for the specific audience. The formulaic
structure of biographies are generally consistent, with clear headings, sub-headings,
followed by a chronologically ordered summary of both personal and professional life
on the subject.

How This Changed My Paper:

By cutting out unnecessary, wordy sentences, I can get my point across without losing
the audience in a baffle of words.

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!

Revision 6:
Initial Text:
Eldest child of Glynn and Cherilyn Hewitt, has younger sister
Jaslyn (LleytonandBecHewitt).

Observation/Question Regarding Text: Id advise you to refrain from using free-floating

quotes (ie, sentences that start and end with a quote). The reader is probably going to
be left wondering, Who is saying/citing this, and how/why is it relevant? Wheres it
coming from? Try to introduce the quote and give it context.

Changes I Made To Initial Text: Only once does the author touch base on Hewitts
personal life when they exclaimed that he is the eldest child of Glynn and Cherilyn
Hewitt, and has younger sister Jaslyn. (LleytonandBecHewitt)

How This Changed My Paper:

Free-floating quotes defeat the purpose of providing evidence, because it is difficult to
distinguish how it ties in with the overall argument. By adding relevance or what I
like to call a cushion to the quote, the reader is able to determine why and how the
evidence correlates with my claim.

Revision 7:

Initial Text:
Refer to entire structure of paper.

Observation/Question Regarding Text:

Gilbertson, Im wondering if your paper would benefit from re-structuring the
organization. Instead of:
-Source #1
-Source #2
-Source #3

Could your paper/argument unfold a more integrated/interwoven way if you did

something like:
-Idea #1 (and then incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)
-Idea #2 (and then incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)
-Idea #3 (and then incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)?

Changes I Made To Initial Text: I rearranged the entire structure of my paper. I used Zs
suggested paper format:
Paragraph 1: Introduction
Paragraph 2: Artistic appeals: Explanation and examples of source 1, 2, and 3.
Paragraph 3: Style: Explanation and examples of source 1, 2, and 3)
Paragraph 4: Language/Tone: Explanation and examples of source 1, 2, and 3)
Paragraph 5: Context: Explanation and examples of source 1, 2, and 3)

How This Changed My Paper:

This major alteration in essay structure enables me to portray my overall argument in a
more understanding and comprehensive manner. By discussing the specific rhetorical
features in consecutive paragraphs, rather than by biography sources, I was able to
compare and discuss the differences amongst each biography, and easily relate it
back to my thesis statement.

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!

Revision 8:

Initial Text:
No specific example

Observation/Question Regarding Text: I need more of an argument here. Move past

describing and get to evaluating -- try to pinpoint the so what? of this assignment as
much as possible. These pieces seem to have somewhat different audiences -- OK, so
why is that worth knowing? From a writers perspective? A readers? A tennis player?
Marketing or advertisement/sponsor folks?

Changes I Made To Initial Text:

I order to make my essay more of an argument, I cut back on quite a lot of describing
style or features, and really tried to focus on WHY the authors chose to incorporate
particular features rather than descriptively discuss the actual conventions.

How This Changed My Paper:

This enabled me to focus on the prompt more and not veer off topic into too much
descriptive language. The paper now evaluates

Revision 9:
Observation/Question Regarding Text:
Id like to see you integrate the course readings a lot more. Use their ideas as
springboards for what youre seeing/analyzing within these sources.

Changes I Made To Initial Text:

Without using jargon, the author must assume that the sponsors, marketers, and
professional businessmen are not familiar with tennis at all, because it is often only
used by those in a particular profession or group (Boyd, 89).

The author describes Hewitts ongoing rebelling behavior with the use of slang
because it maintains a currency and circulates among a select network of
users (Boyd, 89).

How This Changed My Paper:

Implementing course readings into my writing gives the readers a sense of credibility
because it helps to back up my arguments and claims. Especially because these
sources are very relevant to my topic.

Revision 10:

Observation/Question Regarding Text:

Please dont be afraid to inject some of YOUR voice into this paper. I dont wanna
read just any old paper; I wanna read a paper from Gilbertson.

Changes I Made To Initial Text:

I don't have any specific examples of where I attempted to implement my own voice,
but I tried to be less formal and uptight. Similarly to the introductory sentence, I had to
make sure my paper wasnt too proper, whilst letting my personality shine through.
How This Changed My Paper:
This makes the paper so much more enjoyable and relatable to read! Extracting the
excessive academic/formal language and replacing it with a friendlier demeanor
makes the reader interested and wanting to read more.