Part 1a - Narcissism

http://thenarcissistinyourlife.
com/no-one-believes-you-psychological-damage-caused-by-narcissistic-parent/
No One Believes YouPsychological Damage

Caused by Narcissistic Parent
Posted on April 10, 2013 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D
There is a theme that runs through responses that I receive from children of a narcissistic parent(s).
The child is subjected to unbearable levels of ongoing abusescalding

criticisms, withering humiliations in front of other family members and
alone, routine secret physical beatings and other horrendous acts of
brutality including psychological and literal abandonment. When the
child lets family members know what is happening to him, this person is
not believed. When the victim of a narcissist tells the truth about his
dreadful pathological parent, he is not treated with kindness or
understanding. The family is shocked; the victim is treated with disdain
and often told he/she is the sick one or that this is all lies to get
attention. The narcissistic mother or father gets a complete pass. A
masterful coverup takes place and remains ongoing. The child victims
become family pariahs. Often the suggestion is whispered that they
belong in a psychiatric institution or are in need of intensive
psychotherapy.
In some cases the narcissistic abuse has been so severe that the victim needs to work with an excellent
psychotherapist to deal with the painful aftermath of surviving a narcissistic parent. The child of
the narcissist is doubly abusedOnce throughout childhood and another

round when he or she tells the truth about the narcissistic parent.
After all the entire family must keep the secret intact especially if the
narcissist is highly successful, has a high profile, is generous monetarily
with certain family members or cravenly sets one child against the
other. Does the narcissistic parent feel any guilt about what he has
done to his children. Certainly not! He does not have a conscience. If the
marriage and the kids dont work out, he/she moves on to the next opportunity. What about a younger
prettier wife with whom he can make more perfect children? Whom does he think he is? a god? The
answer is Yes! These individuals are despicable especially when they disrupt and in some cases destroy
their childrens lives.
Many children of narcissistic parents do survive although they have suffered

horribly. They are courageous individuals who never give up even when they feel
like they cant go one more step. They learn the lessons of survival well. Many of them become
hypervigalent and suffer from anxiety and depression. Many benefit from highly skilled
empathic psychotherapy and other healing modalities: gentle yoga, a form of meditation that works for
you, journaling, exercise that you enjoy and spending time with Nature.
I want you to know that I Believe You. I know what you have endured. You are courageous. You
deserve to lead the life that was given to you originally. Keep healing. You are taking the path less
traveledthe one with fewer travelers, the way that has deep meaning. Here you will find the peace that
you have sought all of your life.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Responses
David Kelly says:
April 10, 2013 at 4:02 pm Excellent post thank you! Crazy-making is a tool used by
narcissistic parents to convince the child that what is happening is not happening or is not as
bad as they think. I was convinced that something was wrong with me until I moved away from
my mother and got counseling. Even today 30 years later I am viewed as the crazy one in
the family because I called my mother on her narcissistic behavior while she looked to people
outside the immediate family like the perfect mother who did her all to raise two boys by
herself. I still doubt myself at times because, of course, I was crazy and didnt have the correct
perception of reality. Recently I had an aunt ackowledge all is not right with my mother, but I
couldnt talk with my aunt about my moms non-diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. Id
be looked at as crazy all over again.
David
1. Katy says: April 17, 2013 at 4:14 pm Comment:From Katy This post is exactly what my
husband and I are going through with his mother. There hasnt been any physical abuse, but the
mental abuse given from her, thereby turning his family against us is almost unbareable! We
have been married for almost 3 years and I no longer have any desire to have any relationship
with her! I stand in awe of the situation at times because my family believes us, but my
husbands side no longer speaks to us. She has even turned family friends against us, and I feel
that I have slipped into a deep depression! We continue to pray for the situation but its just so
hard to handle. Its comforting to know that we are not alone, thank you for posting this, it has
helped!
2. Caroline says: April 24, 2013 at 2:31 pm Comment:From Caroline Linda, thank you for
writing about the problem of No one believes you. As a girl, I was the first born of two
children; my brother is six years younger than me. We have very different personalities. I am
career oriented, driven, perfectionistic and have obsessional tendencies. My brother is laissezfaire, social by nature and much less goal-focused.
I am currently dealing with the emotional cataclysm of the end of my marriage to a man who I
failed to recognise as having a covert and perverse narcissistic personality style. It has been very
traumatic for me as I face the truth of our marriage and I still experience waves of
incomprehensibility. As I question why and how I failed to see what was before me for all those
years, I have asked myself what is about me that allowed me to suffer the abuse I did. Why
would an otherwise intelligent woman allow herself to submit to incessant put-downs, little
humiliations, ongoing negative commentary, snide criticisms, guilt-inducing questions,
excessive levels of scrutiny and challenges to her ability to even comprehend her perceptions?
In essence, to live in an emotionally unsafe and toxic environment.
My answer has been as disturbing as my growing realisation about my marriage. I have
experienced much of this before at the hands of my mother. My mother and father are both
dead, so I will never be able to adequately understand the reasons she was like this, but she was
cold and cruel towards me. I have no recollection of my mother saying she loved me or even
receiving a cuddle from her. There were never any mother-daughter shared moments and I
always had a feeling, which I was unable to name, that she didnt want to be a mother. Unlike
some mothers who take pride in their daughters, my mother seemed to feel quite the opposite
about me. I have always struggled with standing out and I suspect this has to do with the fact I
am the only member of my family with red hair. As a child, my hair was thick, wavy and bright
fire-red in colour. I recall when I was about 14 years of age my mother told me I was going to
the hairdresser. At this stage, my hair was very long; I could nearly sit on it. I had no idea why
we were going to the hairdresser and I dont think I wanted to go. But I was a compliant child
and did what I was told. I sat in the chair and my mother was behind me, out of my sight. My
hair was cut short and in the process, my hair was carefully collected by a second hairdresser.
Nothing hit the floor. It has taken me all this time to accept my mother sold my hair.
Recently I told my brother that I felt mum hated me. He was appalled with what I said and told
me I was wrong. My brother doesnt believe me.
I now see the outcome for me of living in an environment of constant low-grade emotional
abuse interspersed with extreme moments. The abuse becomes like white noise. I learned
maladaptive ways to accommodate the white noise abuse. Faulty thinking such as believing I
deserved it, that it wasnt really as bad as all that, things will get better, I need to try harder, if I
hadnt done x to provoke her and so on. There is no such thing as unconditional love; in fact,
it is exactly the opposite, to the extent that I am actually wondering if I even know what love
really is. To me it is an over-used word empty of meaning.
Now, when my husband tells me how much he loves me I feel sad and have an empty hollow
space in my chest. Today he said to me that even though he knows I have fallen out of love with
me, he still loves me very much. And today I rang his therapist when I found out he had bought
a book on suicide methods. I could not bear the burden of that knowledge. It is now three
months since I moved out, but hours later, I still cried.
I recently read an article which made a great deal of sense to me. I recommend it to anyone
trying to understand life with a narcissistic person:
Filippini, S., Perverse relationships: The perspective of the perpetrator, Int J Psychoanal
2005;86:75573
Narcissistic Abuse
http://www.new-holistic-medicine.com/Narcissistic-Abuse.html
Narcissistic abuse is one of the most pervasive forms of abuse. There really isnt much worse and this
condition is increasingly spreading throughout our society.
I have the unique perspective to know what the abuse is like from the inside out. I know what you need
to heal, because I went through it myself.
I understand what it is like to be always wrong, to never do anything right and what it feels like that no
matter how hard you try, its never good enough.You feel powerless, confused and emasculated.
A narcissist can turn your friends and own family against you. They often turn the community against
against you too.
They can have you believing that you are Satan himself and that you are totally useless except for your
paychecks.
Nobody believes you when you talk about the narcissistic abuse. The endless bragging, how everybody
loves him/her or how great they are and being told you are lucky to have them because nobody else
would have you.
There is the never ending drama and chaos, the threats of destroying your life to get some toy that
she/he will never use. The month long silent treatments and gaslighting, yet while
in public
appearing to be a saint.He is Gandhi in public and Freddy Krueger in private.

There is an endless stream of accusations and delusional paranoia. You may feel too embarrassed to tell
anybody that you are being victimized.
This narcissistic abuse can make you afraid to say anything, anything could set off another day or
weeks of hell. Its like their purpose of life to torment and find something to get offended over.
There is only one way and that is their way and she/he would make sure that there
would be no possibility of you having your way with threats of divorce, calling the police or leaving
you homeless.
You may work 12 hours days, yet he/she will not help with house chores. Still, you are accused of not
doing enough.
A narcissistic abuser will destroy your life. Some of your children may become narcissists and all the
rest will be messed up emotionally. A narcissist will leave you totally devastated with
absolutely no self esteem or self worth and then laugh about it.
You can not reason or resolve conflict with a narcissist. It is like walking barefoot around broken glass.
You must be very cautious and conscious of every action or word you say.
"There is only one way and that is my way."

Narcissists have no conscience nor remorse, they are sociopaths. They take sadistic pleasure in
tormenting others, yet they can act innocently as if they don't know what they are doing.
Do not underestimate their intelligence, they will lie and cheat. They make a living at getting attention
and if the attention is pleasant or not, it makes no difference to them. They need the attention in order
to feel alive.
You will NEVER get a sincere apology or closure of any sort. They will simply move on to the next
victim while your world is left in ruins and smoldering ashes.
How to deal with a narcissistic abuser.
Do not contact them, do not look back. Get them out of your life completely. Move away if you
have to. Some narcissists can be dangerous if they discover your plans to disappear. Do not give
them any attention, not even angry attention. Attention whether good or bad is what they thrive
on. It makes no difference to a narcissist. Dont believe they will get better. Narcissists are
considered incurable. The Biblical Pharaoh of Egypt could not be cured by a prophet nor with
10 plagues. Finally God got tired and drowned him and that didnt cure him either. Dont waste
your time trying to reason with one. It is a game just to see how much they can torment you.
They dont care one bit about your happiness. Stop trying to make sense of it, mental illness
does not have to make sense. Then deal with whatever is within you that attracts narcissists into
your life. You dont want to go through a living hell with another narcissist, right?
Narcissists hate the truth, it is utterly offensive to them like the sun rise to a vampire. They will make
you feel like you are evil for daring to speak the truth.
Narcissists are experts at emotional torture and few victims of narcissists ever fully recover even with
serious psychotherapy. But full recovery is possible and thriving is probable with the proper use of
Inner Influencing.
Personally I believe that narcissists can be helped, but they believe they are perfect and that- that YOU
are the problem
Therapists rarely will see a "narc" in their entire careers, often they won't recognize one. Narcissistic
abusers tend to gravitate towards jobs such as police, teachers, clergy or politics -jobs with authority.
A narcissist has to want and crave to be normal and I believe that Inner Influencing can do it. I believe
the only mental problem that cant be helped is the refusal to work on and face ones problems.
Narcissists are self-loathing and suffer much more than they let on. They build a false personality to
hide from their own pain, too painful to even admit. If you break through this "fluff personality" it is
devastating and their behavior will be bizarre and frightening.
They are like a cake covered with beautiful sweet frosting, yet below the frosting there is
nothing......just a void. This void is what terrifies them beyond what we can imagine. Their lives are a
living hell and they believe it is their right to make everybody miserable, just like themselves.
Narcissism can be passed through the family tree, I know one family with 4 generations of narcissists.
Most often as children they were abused themselves, but not always.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Introduction
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a serious condition which affects an estimated 1% of the

population. Narcissism is characterized by an extreme self-interest and promotion with an
accompanying lack of concern for the needs of others.
Narcissism is named after the mythological Greek character Narcissus, an extremely
handsome young man who rejected the love of Echo and, as punishment, was condemned to
fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to obtain he object of his desire,
he died there in sorrow.
NPD Characteristics & Traits

The following list is a collection of some of the more commonly observed behaviors and traits
of those who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Note that these are not
intended to be used for diagnosis. People who suffer from NPD are all unique and so each
person will display a different subset of traits. Also, note that everyone displays "narcissistic"
behaviors from time to time. Therefore, if a person exhibits one or some of these traits, that
does not necessarily qualify them for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. See
the DSM Criteria on this page for diagnostic criteria.
Click on the links on each trait for much more information about a particular trait or behavior
and some ideas for coping with each.
Abusive Cycle - This is the name for the ongoing rotation between destructive and
constructive behavior which is typical of many dysfunctional relationships and families.
Alienation - The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual's relationships with others.
"Always" and "Never" Statements - "Always" and "Never" Statements are declarations
containing the words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.
Anger - People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresolved anger
and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they have been wronged, invalidated,
neglected or abused.
Baiting - A provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from
another individual.
Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem,
rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.
Bullying - Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical,
social, economic or emotional strength.
Cheating - Sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already
committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.
Denial - Believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event or memory
does not exist or did not happen.
Dissociation- Dissociation is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from
reality.
Domestic Theft - Consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared
with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.
Emotional Blackmail - A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control
someones behaviors.
Sense of Entitlement - An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable
living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.
False Accusations - Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards
someone else.
Favoritism - Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment
to one child, subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.
Frivolous Litigation - The use of unmerited legal proceedings to hurt, harass or gain an
economic advantage over an individual or organization.
Gaslighting - The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that
they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term
Gaslighting is based on the 1944 MGM movie Gaslight.
Grooming - Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position
that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive
behavior.
Harassment - Any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual
towards another.
Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum
cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or
limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets sucked back in when the perpetrator
temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.
Impulsiveness - The tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical
reasoning.
Imposed Isolation - When abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their support
network, including friends and family.
Intimidation - Any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.

Invalidation - The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to
believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed,
problematic or worthless.
Lack of Conscience - Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders are often
preoccupied with their own agendas, sometimes to the exclusion of the needs and concerns
of others. This is sometimes interpreted by others as a lack of moral conscience.
Lack of Object Constancy - An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent,
trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision.
Magical Thinking - Looking for supernatural connections between external events and ones
own thoughts, words and actions.
Narcissism - A set of behaviors characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, self-centered focus,
need for admiration, self-serving attitude and a lack of empathy or consideration for others.
Neglect - A passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of a dependent
are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.
Normalizing - Normalizing is a tactic used to desensitize an individual to abusive, coercive or
inappropriate behaviors. In essence, normalizing is the manipulation of another human being
to get them to agree to, or accept something that is in conflict with the law, social norms or
their own basic code of behavior.
No-Win Scenarios - When you are manipulated into choosing between two bad options
Objectification - The practice of treating a person or a group of people like an object.
Parental Alienation Syndrome - When a separated parent convinces their child that the
other parent is bad, evil or worthless.
Pathological Lying - Persistent deception by an individual to serve their own interests and
needs with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a
person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.
Proxy Recruitment - A way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other
people into unwittingly backing doing the dirty work
Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional
elevations of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate
their personal boundaries.
Sabotage - The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal
interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention.
Scapegoating - Singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for
unmerited negative treatment or blame.
Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which
is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.
Self-Aggrandizement - A pattern of pompous behavior, boasting, narcissism or
competitiveness designed to create an appearance of superiority.
Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you
that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.
Stalking - Any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual.
Testing - Repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or
commitment to a relationship.
Thought Policing - A process of interrogation or attempt to control another individual's
thoughts or feelings.
Threats - Inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences.
Triangulation - Gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into
conflicts with each other.
Tunnel Vision - A tendency to focus on a single concern, while neglecting or ignoring other
important priorities.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - The DSM Criteria

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is listed in the American Psychiatric Associations
Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (DSM) as an Axis II, Cluster B (dramatic, emotional, or erratic)
Disorder:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of
empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by
five (or more) of the following:
1.has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and
talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2.is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal
love
3.believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or
should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4.requires excessive admiration
5.has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable
treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6.is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her
own ends
7.lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of
others
8.is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9.shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
What it feels like to live with someone with NPD
Contributed by Aames
Living with or being involved with a narcissist can be mentally and emotionally
exhausting.
It can feel like you have to perform "mental gymnastics" from dealing with the lying
(even when confronted with undeniable proof ), the gaslighting, the triangulation,
the projection, the constant contradictions, the manipulation, blame-shifting, the
charm they lay on, the inflated sense of self - even subtle forms of torture, such as
sleep deprivation, these people inflict on their victims - appears to be conscious
and calculated to push the target of their "affections" past their limits, into surrender
- and ultimately into total compliance - as a source of Narcissistic Supply.
Children, spouses, friends, lovers - those closest to the Narcissist - are not
considered individuals in their own right by the Narcissist - but rather extensions or,
in the worst cases, the property of the Narcissist.
Even after finding out that you are dealing with a mental disorder, if you don't
protect or remove yourself from the situation, you may find yourself entering into a
state of mind where you instinctively try to fix or fight the narcissist's illogical
attitudes and behaviors.
You may find yourself becoming hyper-vigilant, trying to second guess them, trip
them up, lay down ultimatums, call them on their lies, or constantly trying to stay
one-step ahead of their ever-changing rule-book. You may even find yourself trying
to mirror their behaviors to some extent in order to manipulate them, as they have
manipulated you. This can be both futile and attractive to the narcissist, as they
often relish the challenge.
If you ever do manage to get "one-up" on a narcissist, it is likely to be a hollow
"victory" at best. They may rage, play the victim, or disappear. None of these
outcomes gives the victim any true satisfaction.
More than any other disorder on the PD spectrum, narcissists are like
psychological vampires, attaching themselves to you in a way that drains you of
your resources (emotional, mental and financial) and leaves you questioning your
own worth and sanity.
Often, narcissists are able to imitate or approximate caring about others when it is
convenient for them to do so. However, they typically do not perceive that anything
outside of their own sphere of wants and needs matters. It simply doesn't occur to
them to consider the needs of anyone else, or the long-term consequences of their
own behaviors.
Narcissists can be highly intelligent, witty, talented, likable, and fun to be around.
They can also elicit sympathy like nobody's business.
Narcissists are opportunistic. They can make a show of being "generous" but their
generosity usually has strings attached.
They tend to isolate their victims, sucking up their time and energy, many times
robbing their own families, spouses and partners of an external support system.
Narcissists are excellent liars and many prefer to lie even when telling the truth
would be more beneficial to them; which suggests that lying is a hallmark of this
pathology.
They are often highly competitive and argumentative. They lash out when
presented with opinions that contradict their own or when confronted with their own
lies or bad behaviors.
They can be calculating and extremely persuasive and susceptible to erratic
thinking and impulsive decision making .
Narcissists can be self-destructive as often as they are destructive to others. They
have a great deal of trouble accepting responsibility for their own actions, under
any circumstance.
Narcissists are addictive personalities and narcissism is commonly co-morbid with
addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, food, spending and gambling. It has been
suggested that Narcissists have a higher rate of ADHD than the general
population.
Narcissists are rarely alone. They like to feed on the energy of others, and to have
an audience to reflect back to them the person they want to see themselves as.
Narcissists are good at pretending, but typically do not feel compassion or empathy
or consider the feelings or well-being of others. They tend to be singularly focused
on getting their own needs met, at the expense of the needs of others.
While narcissists generally portray a lack of conscience, they typically have an
intellectual awareness of what they are doing and how they hurt others. They
simply do not care.
Being kind to a Narcissist in the face of their maltreatment is a common approach
of family members and partners. However, this can result in further frustration as it
is rarely reciprocated and tends to feed their sense of entitlement, opening the door
for more abuse.
Here are some other feelings that you may experience when dealing with a narcissist in the
home or at work:
You may feel like this person readily puts you down just to elevate themselves.
You may find yourself avoiding them because trying to communicate with them leaves
you feeling confused, put-down, reduced to a lesser status and emptied of all that you
know you really are.
You may feel overwhelmed, "out-gunned", tongue-tied or overpowered in the presence
of this person.
You may feel blown away by their powerful personality, self-assuredness, self-belief
and self-confidence.
Your own legitimate needs may be taking a back seat to their own frivolous, selfserving ambitions.
When receiving a compliment or apology, you may be left feeling patronized,
demeaned, brought down to size and even humiliated.
You may attempt to compromise with them only to realize later that you are the only
one who gave any substantial ground.
You may feel like your hard work and contributions are only being used, abused and
and distorted to meet the selfish ambitions of another.
Living with a person who has NPD can have a devastating effect on the self-esteem,
confidence and quality of life for family members, friends and partners.
People who live with an individual with NPD sometimes feel as though the Narcissist is
refusing to " grow up" or will revert back to childish ways whenever it suits them to do so. The
Non-Narcissist often feels used, cheated and taken advantage of by the NPD in their life.
NPD Treatment
There is no known cure for NPD.
People who suffer from NPD rarely seek out treatment or therapy, since they tend to project
negative thoughts and blame onto others. Those who do enter into treatment are often
resistant to personal change.
As a result, families of people who suffer from NPD are often left to fend for themselves and
rely on their own resources.
Movies Portraying Narcissistic Personality Disorder Traits

A Streetcar Named Desire - A Streetcar Named Desire is a is a 1947 play written by
Tennessee Williams, later adapted for film, which tells the story of a woman who displays
histrionic and borderline traits, who goes to live with her codependent sister and her
narcissistic husband.
Black Swan - Black Swan is a 2010 psychological thriller about a ballet dancer, played by
Natalie Portman, who discovers a dark side to herself as she struggles to please her
overbearing narcissitic mother, played by Barbara Hershey.
Charlie Brown - Charlie Brown is the lead character in Charles M. Schulz's classic "Peanuts"
cartoons who is generally portrayed as feeling insecure and seeking acceptance. Charlie
Brown's character contrasts with the somewhat narcissistic character of Lucy and their
relationship is sometimes used to illustrate the relationship between personality-disordered

and non-personality-disordered people.
Gaslight - Gaslight is a 1944 MGM suspense thriller set in 19th Century London in which the
villain, Gregory Anton (Charles Boyer), in an attempt to cover up his crimes, actively tries to
convince his new wife, Paula (Ingrid Bergman) that she is losing her mind. Gaslight gave it's
name to the practice known as Gaslighting.
Mommie Dearest - Mommie Dearest is a 1981 biography of Hollywood Actress Joan
Crawford, played by Faye Dunaway, who, according to the account in the movie, exhibited
Obsessive Compulsive, Borderline and Narcissistic Traits.
Schindler's List - Schindler's List is a 1993 drama which chronicles the suffering of Jews in
Nazi-occupied Poland during World War II and Oskar Schindler, a German businessman who
rescued over a thousand of them by employing them in his factories. The movie includes a
striking portrayal of Amon Gth, a narcissistic SS officer and camp director, played by Ralph
Fiennes.
NPD Support Groups & Links:
Out of the FOG Support Forum - Visit the support forum here at Out of the FOG.
http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/ - Psychforums NPD Board
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Adult...enOFNarcissits- Yahoo group for adult children of
Narcissistic parents.
http://p208.ezboard.com/bnarcissisticperso...oderfamilyforum- Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Family Forum
Light's Blog - Info Sharing Blog for Survivors of Narcissism.
It's All About Him - support site and discussion forum for women with NPD partners.
http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/ - Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Forum
Source: US Department of Health and Human Services Child Maltreatment Report 2001
Child Abuse Fatalities by Industrialized Country and US State
Child fatalities from abuse is more prevalent in the US than in other industrialized nations and
there is significant variation state by state.
Source: BBC News Article, October 17, 2011 "America's child death shame"
Child Neglect
Children are the most vulnerable to neglect, and child neglect is by far the most common form
of child abuse recorded in the US, accounting for 71% of reported cases in 2008:
Who Is Abusing the Kids?
The answer may surprise you. It is most commonly not the proverbial "stranger" that most
children are warned to avoid - it is more likely to be someone much closer to home:
40.5% of all child abuse is committed solely by biological mothers

17.7% of all child abuse is committed solely by biological fathers
19.3% of child abuse is committed by both the mother and the father
6.4% of child abuse is committed by the mother and some other individual
1.0% of child abuse is committed by the father and some other individual
11.9% is committed by someone other than the parents
3.1% is committed by an unknown or missing perpetrator.
Examples of Dysfunctional Traits Here are some examples of some dysfunctional parental
traits that are common among parents who suffer from personality disorders.
someones behaviors.
Engulfment - An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another
person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that
relationship.
someone else.
Infantilization - Treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.
Mood Swings - Unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily
explained by changes in external circumstances.
Munchausen's and Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome - A disorder in which an individual
repeatedly fakes or exaggerates medical symptoms in order to manipulate the attentions of
medical professionals or caregivers.
Parentification - A form of role reversal, in which a child is inappropriately given the role of
meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the familys other children.
Perfectionism - The maladaptive practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic,

unattainable or unsustainable standard of organization, order, or accomplishment in one
particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order
or accomplishment in other areas of living.
Projection - The act of attributing one's own feelings or traits to another person and
imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.
Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship
without appropriate cause or reason.
The Role of Religion In Child Abuse

Most popular religions extol the virtues of being obedient and loyal to parents.
Honor thy father and thy mother:that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy
God giveth thee.
- Exodus He who wisheth to enter Paradise at the best door must please his father and mother.
- Prophet Muhammad While teachings like this make sense when a child is learning to accept the discipline and
wisdom of a benevolent parent, there are situations where a lack of intervention or a
maintenance of the biological family status quo is neither wise nor loving for a child - nor for
the abusive parent.
However, most of the ancient sacred scriptures and modern religious organizations do not
discriminate between parents who are loving and nurturing and parents who are abusive.
Children are repeatedly told that they are never supposed to hate, resent, criticize, disregard
or abandon their parents. Instead they are reminded to honor them, obey them, cherish them,
be loyal to them and take care of them in their old age.
This sends a confusing mixed-message to children who grow up in abusive homes. They can
see the contradictions for themselves in the actions of an abusive parent - and often know
that something is wrong about that. However, they will often be afraid to speak out to another
adult, say anything negative about their parent or seek help for fear that they will be seen as
"bad".
It's common for these children to reject their childhood religion in adulthood which they judge
to have failed them, sustained the abusive parent and perpetuated the cycle of abuse.
By emphasizing the sanctity of marriage and traditional family roles, many religions
discourage spouses of abusers - many of whom are victims themselves - from taking action to
remove their children.
What Happens When the Children Grow Up?

What is surprising to many is that child abuse often extends long into adulthood although it
often takes a more emotional,psychological or subtle form as children become physically
stronger and more economically independent.
Adult children of abusive parents often feel trapped between maintaining an unhealthy
relationship with an aging, yet disrespectful, stalking, slandering, harassing parent and being
judged by extended family, friends and acquaintances if they choose to cut off all contact with
the abusive parent.
Adult children of abusive parents are at increased risk of making poor personal, relationship
and career choices in adulthood.
Abusive parents sometimes see things like relationships, career and outside interests of their
young adult children as threats and may seek to undermine them.
Adult survivors of child abuse ultimately suffer in three distinct ways:
1. They suffer the abuse itself
2. They suffer the loss of knowing what should have been - the loss of a supportive
parent, of a loving home and a safe refuge.
3. They suffer the consequences of protecting themselves from that abuse. They are
often left feeling guilty, judged, condemned by society, religion, their communities and
their families.
Physical Abuse
http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/PhysicalAbuse.html
Definition:
Physical Abuse - Any form of voluntary behavior by one individual which inflicts pain, disease
or discomfort on another, or deprives them of necessary health, nutrition and comfort.
Description:
Many people who are victims of verbal abuse live in homes or environments where they have
become so accustomed to the abuse that they consider it normal and do not consider
themselves to be victims of abuse.
Examples of Physical Abuse:
Bunny Boiling - Bunny Boiling is a reference to an iconic scene in the movie "Fatal
Attraction" in which the main character Alex, who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder,
kills the family's pet rabbit and boils it on the stove. Bunny Boiling has become a popular
reference to how people sometimes exhibit their rage by behaving destructively towards
symbolic, important or treasured possessions or representations of those whom they wish to
hurt, control or intimidate.
Child Abduction - Child Abduction is a serious, yet common occurrence when people who
suffer from personality disorders become involved in a custody dispute. Approximately 82% of
more than 200,000 child abductions every year are perpetrated by family members.
Cruelty to Animals - Acts of Cruelty to Animals have been statistically discovered to occur
more often in people who suffer from personality disorders than in the general population.
Domestic Theft - Consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared
with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.
Frivolous Litigation - The use of unmerited legal proceedings to hurt, harass or gain an
economic advantage over an individual or organization.
Imposed Isolation - When abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their support
network, including friends and family.
Sabotage - The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal
interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention.
Sleep Deprivation - The practice of routinely interrupting, impeding or restricting another
person's sleep cycle.
Stalking - Any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual.
Threats - Inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences.
What it feels like:

Abuse can have a confusing, hurtful and frightening effect which makes you feel isolated and
emotionally unsafe.
You may begin to doubt yourself, your senses, your opinions, memories, beliefs, feelings,
abilities and judgment. You may begin to express your opinions less and less freely and find
yourself doubting your sense of reality.
Abuse victims often become isolated from others, fearing that others might blame them for
provoking, mishandling or failing to fix the situation.
Abuse victims sometimes think that their situation is unique or rare and that others would not
understand.
Abuse victims often believe that their situation doesn't qualify as abuse because it only
happens occasionally and there are no horrific visible scars.
Abuse victims often keep silent about their situation for fear that their abuser will find out and
get angry.
Abuse victims are often told by their abuser that they are to blame for provoking or not
understanding the abusers needs.
You are likely to feel vulnerable, insecure, increasingly trapped and powerless. This may lead
you to become defensive and increasingly depressed.
Abuse victims often find themselves "walking on eggshells" around the abuser, hyper vigilant
and afraid of when - and how - to say something.
You may find yourself constantly on your "best" behavior around an abuser, unable to relax or
enjoy the moment because you are always anticipating the worst. Even when the abuser is in
a good mood, you are likely to keep waiting for "the other shoe to drop".
You may also begin to blame yourself for their bad mood, behaviors or actions and hope
things will change, especially through your own love and understanding.
People who are abused often long for the nicer, caring side of their partner, family member,
friend, boss or co-worker to come back. You may find yourself making excuses for their bad
behavior and choosing to focus mainly on getting them back into their good behavior state.
Why abuse victims don't leave:
Coping with Abuse:
If you are abused, get to choose between 2 bad choices:

1.Staying through an episode of abuse.
2.Leaving during an episode of abuse.
Which one is the lesser evil?
In the short run they are about equal in pain but in the long run, leaving during an outburst is
better for the following reasons:
1.Leaving during an outburst makes it harder for you to do something stupid yourself
(such as retaliate).
2.Leaving during an outburst makes it impossible for anything worse to happen directly
to you after you leave (although the personality-disordered person may still try to hurt
you by making slanderous phone calls, destroying a favorite possession, emptying
your bank account, etc.)
3.Leaving during an outburst sends a clear "This is not OK" message. It won't be
appreciated at the time but it will not be forgotten quickly either.
4.Leaving during an outburst helps to remind you that YOU are in control - not the
person with the personality disorder.
5.Leaving during an outburst gives you an opportunity to talk to a supportive friend to
help you calm down.
It's a good idea to have a plan of what you will do and where you will go the next time an
outburst hits. This will make it emotionally easier to make a gracious exit the next time you
are confronted with abuse. If you have a friend or family member you can pre-arrange with to
show up at a moment's notice whenever necessary that will make it easier.
If not, maybe you can find a local low-cost hotel where you can show up at a moment's notice
and get a safe room for the night.
Perhaps you want to have a ready-kit which has your credit cards, essential medications,
important documents already packed so you don't need to linger when you need to get out in
a hurry.
If at all possible, pre-arrange with a friend whom you can call (even during the night) just to
talk to if you find yourself in a situation like this. Just having someone on the end of the line
who won't attack or judge you harshly for the way you feel is an enormous relief. If you have
pre-arranged earlier you won't feel so stupid calling them or showing up at the door at 2 in the
morning - so talk to them now.
What NOT to Do:

Don't remain in the same room with a person who is abusing you. Remove yourself
from the situation as quickly as you safely can.
Don't try to handle it all on your own. Call for supportive help and call the police if any
threats or violence occur.
Don't try to reason with someone who is abusing you. When you are confronted with
aggressive behavior there can be a temptation to stand your ground, explain your
position and argue for what you feel is right. A person who is trying to hurt you is not
thinking rationally and is unlikely to see reason at that time.
Don't fight fire with fire and reciprocate. You will regret it and probably find yourself still
apologizing for it years later.
Don't ignore it, steel yourself and tell yourself that you can handle it and that it does
not affect you. Unless you are a robot your feelings are going to be hurt and your
behavior is going to change far beyond the moment, whether you admit it or not. The
reality is that when your boundaries are being crossed you are being hurt. Ignoring it
increases the likelihood that the situation will repeat itself.
Don't hide it from others. Most long-term cases of abuse stay that way because the
victim stays silent.
Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression

Definition
(http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Raging.html)
Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations
of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their
personal boundaries.
Off the Charts
Rage and Impulsive Aggression are different from anger. Anger is a feeling. Rage and
impulsive aggression are actions or behaviors. Rages are also unprovoked however, in most
cases a person who commits an act of rage will find an excuse which puts the blame for their
behavior on others - usually the victim.
While some rages are brief, lasting from a few seconds to a few minutes, others can last for
hours. However, it is not the duration but the intensity which makes a lasting impact on the
victims and the relationship. In some case, fits of rage are bridged together by longer,
passive-aggressive spells of contempt or silent treatment.
Rages occur most often in private settings such as the home, where there are no witnesses
other than the victim, and are also more likely to occur after dark.
What it Looks Like
Two people are involved in a heated argument and one person suddenly reaches out
and strikes the other.
One person is sleeping and the other wakes them up to begin arguing.
During a heated discussion one party takes a glass object and smashes it.
A person deliberately destroys an item belonging to another family member while they
are out of the house.
One person unexpectedly begins to berate the character of another who is silent.
How it Feels
When a person with a Personality Disorder whom you have known for a long time suddenly
goes into an aggressive rage you may feel that sickening Here we go again feeling. You
may find yourself quickly scanning your recollections of what happened the last time you went
through this. Chances are you will know that these rages are temporary things and often blow
over after a few hours or a few days, but you may still feel an intense sense of fear, anxiety or
perhaps even your own, milder anger that the productive day at work, recreational activity or
pleasant evening you had planned will now be interrupted, disrupted and invaded by
someone elses emotional tsunami.
All of it will make you feel trapped and powerless, as you face the damned if you do and
damned if you dont scenario and realize you have to choose the lesser of two evils - stay
and fight or leave and fight.
If you stay - you know you are in for a rough ride. It may take hours. You may not get to
sleep. As you witness the most outrageous affronts on your dignity, you will have to listen to
the same well-worn record of reasons why this persons behaviors are justified, whats wrong
with you, why if you just were more of this and less of that, this person would be able to stop
abusing you. Staying during a rage is pure hell.

If you leave - you will keep more of you dignity but you need to have real nerve as you walk
out the door. You know youre going to hear something awful on the way out - maybe you will
be called the most horrible names, maybe you will hear the smash of glass or the sound of a
slanderous 911 call being placed. And once youre out - where will you go? You may be all
alone with nowhere to go and nothing to do but sit and fret about what will happen when you
return. Leaving during a rage is pure hell.
How to Cope with Violence, Raging & Impulsive Aggression
When confronted by rage - you are faced with two unattractive choices - fight or flight. It is a
time to choose the lesser of two evils. In the short run they are about equal in pain but in the
long run, leaving during a rage is better for the following reasons:
1.Leaving during a rage makes it impossible for you to do something stupid yourself
(such as retaliate);
2.Leaving during a rage makes it impossible for anything worse to happen directly to
you (although the PD person my still try to hurt you by making slanderous phone calls,
destroying a favorite possession, emptying your bank account, etc.);
3.Leaving during a rage sends a clear This is not OK message. It wont be
appreciated at the time but it will not be forgotten quickly either;
4.Leaving during a rage helps to remind you that YOU are in control - not the person
with the Personality Disorder;
5.Leaving during a rage gives you an opportunity to talk to a supportive friend to help
you calm down.
We strongly urge you to have a plan of what you will do and where you will go the next time a
rage hits. This will make it emotionally easier to make a gracious exit the next time you are
confronted with a rage or impulsive aggression. If you have a friend or family member you can
pre-arrange with that its OK to show up at a moments notice and spend the night that is
ideal.
If not, maybe you can find a local low-cost hotel where you can show up at a moments notice
and get a safe room for the night.
Perhaps you want to have a ready-kit which has your credit cards, essential medications, and
important documents already packed so you dont need to linger when you need to get out in
a hurry.
If at all possible, pre-arrange with a friend whom you can call (even during the night) just to
talk to if you find yourself in a situation like this. Just having someone on the end of the line
who doesnt judge you for the way you feel or say unhelpful things like, But X really does love
you, is an enormous relief. If you have pre-arranged earlier you wont feel so stupid calling
them or showing up at the door at 2 in the morning - so talk to them now.
What NOT to do
Dont remain in the same room with a person who is raging. Remove yourself from the
situation as quickly as you safely can.
Dont try to handle it on your own. Call the police or get a third party involved.
Dont try to reason with someone who is raging. When you are confronted with
aggressive behavior there can be a temptation to stand your ground, explain your
position and argue for what you feel is right. A person who is raging is not thinking
rationally and is unlikely to see reason.
Dont fight fire with fire and reciprocate the aggressive behavior. You will regret it and
still be apologizing for it years later if you do.
Dont ignore it, steel yourself and tell yourself that you can handle it and that it does
not affect you. Unless you are a robot your feelings are going to be hurt and your
behavior is going to change far beyond the moment of rage, whether you admit it or
not. The reality is that when your boundaries are being crossed you are being hurt.
Ignoring it greatly increases the likelihood that the situation will repeat itself.
Dont hide it from others. Most long-term cases of abuse stay that way because the
victim stays silent.
http://outofthefog.net/Relationships/ParentalChildAbuse.html
Parents Who Hurt Their Children

Parents know what's best for their kids - right?
It's an idea that's reinforced in our literature, movies, books, our laws, our religion. Mother and
Father know best. There is no love greater than that of a parent for their child. Our
governments, schools, churches, courts bend over backwards to protect and support the
rights of biological parents. Parents are given authority to educate their children, diagnose
their illnesses, control their activities, choose their friendships, dictate their living conditions,
even select their religion.
Parenthood isn't easy and many parents do an excellent job of what is a very challenging
assignment...
But not all.
Qualifications for becoming a Parent
In the US, there are laws to protect all sorts of individuals from reckless behavior of others.
For example, you must pass an exam before you may:
Drive a car,
Fly a plane
Operate a crane
Run a restaurant
Educate school children
Become a social worker or any kind of therapist
Diagnose an ailment or prescribe, dispense or administer any kind of medicine or
medical treatment
But there is no qualification for becoming a parent other than being biologically fertile. Nor is
there any review of your performance except in the most severe cases of physical violence
and neglect.
When it comes to your treatment of strangers you may be prosecuted for:
hitting
slandering
harassing
stalking
invading their privacy
confiscating their property
When it comes to treatment of minors, parents are held almost completely unaccountable.
Minor children of abusive parents are completely trapped in their environment - dependent
totally on an overwhelmed legal system to take action - after the abuse has been witnessed
and reported by a neighbor, teacher, doctor or social worker. Many cases go unreported.
How Common is Child Abuse? In the US, an estimated 903,000 children (1.2% of all
children) were victims of abuse and neglect in 2001. 19% of reported and substantiated child
abuse cases result in the child being removed from the home.
Form of Abuse
Neglect (including medical
neglect)
Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Other Maltreatment
Percentage
57.2%
18.6%
9.6%
26.6%
Percentages of victims are similar for males and females (48.0% and 51.5% respectively).
Children in the age group of birth to 3 years account for 27.7% of victims. Victimization
percentages decline as age increases.
Child Abuse Victims by Ethnicity
White
African-American
Hispanic
American Indian & Alaska Native
Asian Pacific Islander
Percentage
50.2%
25.0%
14.5%
2.0%
1.3%
Source: BBC News Article, October 17, 2011 "America's child death shame"
Child Neglect
Children are the most vulnerable to neglect, and child neglect is by far the most common form
of child abuse recorded in the US, accounting for 71% of reported cases in 2008:

The answer may surprise you. It is most commonly not the proverbial "stranger" that most
children are warned to avoid - it is more likely to be someone much closer to home:
Source:US Department of Health and Human Services Child Maltreatment Report 2001
Examples of Dysfunctional Traits
Here are some examples of some dysfunctional parental traits that are common among
parents who suffer from personality disorders. Click on the links for more information about
each trait
Blaming- The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem,
Bullying- Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social,
economic or emotional strength.
Emotional Blackmail- A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control
someones behaviors.
Engulfment- An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another
relationship.
False Accusations- Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards
someone else.
Favoritism- Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment
Gaslighting- The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual

that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term

Infantilization- Treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.
Mood Swings- Unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily
Munchausen's and Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome- A disorder in which an individual
Objectification- The practice of treating a person or a group of people like an object.
Parental Alienation Syndrome- When a separated parent convinces their child that the other
parent is bad, evil or worthless.
Parentification- A form of role reversal, in which a child is inappropriately given the role of
Perfectionism- The maladaptive practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic,
Projection- The act of attributing one's own feelings or traits to another person and imagining
or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.
Push-Pull- A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship
Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression- Explosive verbal, physical or emotional
Scapegoating- Singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited
negative treatment or blame.
Shaming- The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you
Fathers Who Hurt Their Children

http://outofthefog.net/Relationships/PaternalChildAbuse.html
Gender roles are changing. The classical model of a family with a father as the breadwinner
who is not emotionally involved in the children's lives is becoming obsolete. As more mothers
join the workforce, as more families are fragmented through divorce and as traditional roles
are more gender neutral, fathers are increasingly providing more than just a paycheck in the
home.
But the benefits of increased paternal participation in children's lives are not universal. In
cases where a father suffers from a personality disorder, increased involvement is not always
a good thing.
Paternal Child Abuse can come in many forms:
Emotional / Psychological
Verbal
Physical
Sexual
Neglect / Absenteeism
A childs relationship (or lack of same) with his/her father is just as vital to its development as
the mother-child relationship.
Gender Roles
For girls: the father-daughter relationship has an astounding influence on
how girls feel about themselves as women; on their choice of romantic partners, and even on
how they tolerate / handle abuse in the work-place. As adults, daughters of abusive fathers
may be more susceptible to alcoholism or drug abuse, eating disorders, sexual promiscuity
and domestic violence.
For boys: the father-son relationship plays a vital role in how, as men, boys grow up to treat
their own romantic partners, workmates, employees and of course, their own children. As
adults, sons of abusive fathers may be more susceptible to alcoholism or drug abuse, criminal
activities, thrill-seeking and violent behavior.
These observations, along gender lines, have been applied in a very broad, traditional sense.
Daughters can certainly grow up to adopt the abusive traits modeled by their abusive parent;
Sons may become passive in adulthood, developing co-dependence and becoming chronic
rescuers.
Being abused as a child cripples self-worth and may result in lowered expectations of yourself
and how you allow others to treat you. This can make the survivor of childhood abuse an easy
mark for even more abuse as an adult.
Antagonistic or abusive men (and women) prefer passive partners who are malleable and
whom they can easily manipulate, even dominate. The adult survivor may unconsciously (and
repeatedly) seek out partners who share those same destructive qualities with Daddy;
partners they are always trying to please, who may physically or emotionally abuse them,
sexually or financially exploit them, and whom they can never really trust.
Adult survivors may develop a thick-skin which allows them to endure the abuse heaped on
them by their partners, relatives, employers, co-workers and others. They may also become
co-dependent as a coping mechanism, often assuming the role of enabler, in a misguided
attempt to fix or rescue the other person or the relationship. The motivation behind this
behavior is If I can just make ______ happy, then I can finally be happy, too.
In some instances, the abused child grows up to manifest the same (or similar) abusive traits
modeled for them by their fathers. They never learn empathy for others and instead, try to
control every circumstance of their lives by controlling everyone and everything around them.
These survivors make for poor partners, parents, friends, bosses and co-workers.
How you feel about yourself (and relate to others) as an adult, grows directly out of how you
were treated (or mistreated) by the adults who cared for you in childhood.
Examples of Paternal Child Abuse
Did your Father:
Discount your thoughts, opinions and contributions?
Perceive his wife/children as his personal property, to command as he wished?
Disrespect family members
Withhold affection?
Treat your mother as less than an equal partner?

Avoid participation in family /school functions?
Usually put work and his own interests ahead of those of the family?
Make promises, only to routinely disappoint?
Was he aggressive or abusive toward family members?
Need to be right / in control at all times?
Rage?
Were you ever disowned by your father for disappointing him?

Shame you privately or in front of others?
Was he there for his family and friends when they needed him?
Embarrass you,humiliate you or ignore you?
Ever abuse you psychologically, verbally,physically or sexually?
Blame his failures on others or make excuses for his bad behavior?
Child Abuse Statistics The US department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) groups
child abuse and child neglect into the same category. In other words - in the eyes of the US
government - child neglect is the same thing as child abuse. In 2001 57% of recorded and
substantiated child abuse cases were categorized as neglect.
These statistics show that the majority of reported child abuse cases occur at the hands of a
biological parent.
How Common is Child Abuse?
In the US, an estimated 903,000 children (1.2%) of Children were victims of abuse and
neglect in 2001.
57.2 percent of victims suffered neglect (including medical neglect),
18.6 percent were physically abused
9.6 percent were sexually abused;
26.6 percent of victims were associated with additional types of maltreatment.
In the US, more than half of all child abuse victims are White (50.2%); one-quarter (25.0%)
are African American; and one-sixth (14.5%) are Hispanic. American Indians and Alaska
Natives account for 2% of victims, and Asian-Pacific Islanders accounted for 1.3% of victims.
19% of reported and substantiated child abuse cases result in the child being removed from
the home.
Qualifications for becoming a Father
Drive a car
Fly a plane
Operate a crane
Run a restaurant
medical treatment
But there is no qualification for becoming a father other than being male. Nor is there any
review of your performance except in the most severe cases of physical violence and neglect.
hitting
slandering
harassing
stalking
A Sacred Rite
What is equally surprising is that child abuse often extends long into adulthood. Adult
children of abusive parents often feel trapped between maintaining an unhealthy
relationship with an aging, yet disrespectful, stalking, slandering, harassing parent
and being judged by extended family, friends and acquaintances if they choose to
cut off all contact with the abusive parent.
Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy
God giveth thee.
- Exodus -
He who wisheth to enter Paradise at the best door must please his father and mother.
- Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)We're told again and again that we're not supposed to hate, resent, fear or discard our
parents. We're supposed to honor them, love them, cherish them, be loyal to them, take care
of them in their old age.
Adult survivors of child abuse ultimately suffer in three distinct ways:
1.They suffer the abuse itself
2.They suffer the loss of knowing what should have been - the loss of a supportive
parent, of a loving home and a safe refuge.
3.They suffer the consequences of protecting themselves from that abuse. They are
often left feeling guilty, judged, condemned by society, religion, their communities and
their families.
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/
Is The Narcissist Capable Of Loving?

Posted on January 30, 2013 by Melanie Tonia Evans
Do you remember being a child and playing the game with a daisy, picking the petals, He loves me, he
loves me not?
When you got to the last petal you had your answer one way or the other.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, before you get very clear about what is really going
on, that answer could change in a heartbeat.
And you are left reeling, wondering what the real answer is.
What makes matters worse is that some narcissists are very skilled at appearing to be exceptionally
loving, giving, caring and attentive in the times when he or she loves you.
In todays article I am going to explain the warning signs of this insidious type of narcissist who is
capable of appearing genuine and loving for long periods of time until you are hooked and its too
late. This same narcissist is also capable of being intensely loving in between narcissistic episodes.
I have had many clients and subscribers express their utter dismay and confusion, asking how this
person could be a narcissist when they have the ability to be so incredibly supportive, giving and
adoring and even enjoy seeing his or her partner happy?

How can this same person then act out, devalue, discard and use malicious emotional abuse at other
times in amongst being so wonderful?
I used to be tormented in my narcissistic relationship with this enormous dichotomy. I certainly can
relate to how mind-bending it was.
To add to the confusion, some narcissistic information sources state that narcissists cannot bear being
loving, or being told by someone they are loved, dont say loving words, and certainly do not engage in
loving behaviour past the initial honeymoon period.
Do not take this as gospel.
There are also reports of suspected narcissists who have been able to retain relationships with exes that
dont act as if they have been narcissistically abused. Understandably new partners may perceive that
this person surely isnt a narcissist if that is the case.
For those of you who are seriously confused about whether or not your partner is in fact narcissistic,
because he or she can be so wonderful, I sincerely hope this article will help you clear up your
confusion.
The Altruistic Narcissist

Many of you know that Sam Vaknin is a very good source of deeply understanding the workings of a
narcissists mind, and has written copious amounts of information regarding narcissism.
According to Dr. Vaknin, Some narcissists are ostentatiously generous they donate to charity,
lavish gifts on their closest, abundantly provide for their nearest and dearest, and, in general, are
open-handed and unstintingly benevolent. How can this be reconciled with the pronounced lack of
empathy and with the pernicious self-preoccupation that is so typical of narcissists?
The act of giving enhances the narcissists sense of omnipotence, his fantastic grandiosity, and the
contempt he holds for others. It is easy to feel superior to the supplicating recipients of ones largesse.
Narcissistic altruism is about exerting control and maintaining it by fostering dependence in the
beneficiaries.
But narcissists give for other reasons as well.
The narcissist flaunts his charitable nature as a bait. He impresses others with his selflessness and
kindness and thus lures them into his lair, entraps them, and manipulates and brainwashes them into
subservient compliance and obsequious collaboration. People are attracted to the narcissists larger
than life posture only to discover his true personality traits when it is far too late. Give a little to
take a lot is the narcissists creed.
Sam also discusses how altruistic narcissists also use their giving of time, affection, possessions,
money and energy as weapons. To declare the imbalance of their relationships, how unfairly they have
been treated and the grandstanding of Look at what I put in, and you dont.
These are the narcissists who scream out I want to be treated like an equal!
In the case of ex partners being assisted, able to call up favours and be supported in some way
emotionally or financially by the narcissist, this ensures on-going and readily accessible narcissistic
supply. The narcissist is also very adept at convincing ex-partners how much he or she has changed
now since their relationship ended, and attracting potential relationship attention from these people
again.
As a result these ex-partners provide a source of approval and adoration and sex when required, or
when the narcissists committed relationship is not sufficiently feeding his or her False Self. The
narcissist will also use these sources to smear his current partner to in order to receive sympathy as a
form of additional narcissistic supply.
Narcissists Require Mirroring

When we examine the narcissistic model there are several things we can benefit from understanding.
Firstly the narcissist is a no-self. What that means is that a narcissist needs mirroring. He or she needs
energy from the outside, from someone else, to confirm that he or she exists.
This means the narcissist is very capable of putting him or herself last and putting everyone else first in
order to receive attention, praise, approval and worthiness.
For the altruistic narcissist its exhausting to have to be the great person and seek out others
constantly in order to gain such approval, and try to suppress the damaged True Self that exists under
the mask of the False Self. However, the altruistic narcissist will relentlessly persist.
Its also important to understand that the narcissist will perform such acts knowing that he or she feels
false, and is constructing these acts of generosity with agendas connected to them. The narcissist is
very capable of feigning concern, empathy, compassion, love, support and tenderness. These agendas
are all centred around receiving the supply that the False Self requires to maintain the image of being
lovable, worthy and special.
To try to gain the inner fullness that the narcissist is incapable of creating or maintaining for him or
herself. Naturally these hits of supply wear off, and need to be pursued again, again and again.
Its important to know that you cannot believe in anyone who displays severe narcissistic behaviour
(which I will describe later in this article) as you would a non-narcissistic person when this person
looks you in the eyes and declares (as if from the bottom of their soul) how much he or she loves you.
A narcissist is capable of the malicious pathology of declaring undying love and commitment to his
love partner, and simultaneously being able to declare identical scripts to other individuals in order to
secure sex, attention or significance. The words themselves are meaningless; its the results which are
important to the narcissist.
Narcissistic Entitlement
The next important point to understand is regarding the narcissists sense of entitlement. His or her
sense of entitlement is generated from the False Self. The False Self demands obedience without
question. It needs to be unique, adored and agreed with. When an intimate other does not follow the
constructed script of what the False Self requires to be maintained, then the narcissist can change from
the adoring soul mate into the ruthless persecutor on a dime.
Now comes the inevitable bout of I love you NOT.
The defence mechanisms of the narcissists personality, as well as his or her neurological brain-wiring,
are firmly set to defend the image of the False Self fiercely and jealously. Any threat to the constructed
False Self is dealt with harshly, vengefully and vindictively.
The incredibly heart-breaking and frustrating part of it for intimate partners is that the narcissist has not
expressed what his or her internal pain is about before the eruption occurs. The love partner is
completely blind-sided.
The truth of the matter is the narcissist has neither the emotional resources nor the desire for intimacy
(the narcissist inherently believes If you really see in to me you will see how defective, unlovable and
unworthy I really am), trust or connection to supply his or her partner with honest or vulnerable
(real) emotional information.

Nor does the narcissist have the emotional intelligence to take any responsibility for his or her atrocious
reactions. Narcissists are never accountable.
Its actually not personal the narcissist simply cannot fathom beyond You must pay for not agreeing
with my False Self.In fact thenarcissist is fixated on punishing you for How dare you do this!
Until aware, the abused love partner perceives the following: one minute there is a person loving me
like no other and then at a moments notice this same person has turned on me, looks at me and
speaks to me with pure contempt and is using whatever tool he or she has to maim me the most.
This attack may occur as a result of the slightest critique, comment or glance (often unintended) or
not enough approval being granted in a particular moment, whereby the narcissist flies into the
vengeful rage of defending his or her False Self.
Maybe the trigger was harbouring. The narcissist experiences inner pain bubbling about something
you did in the past (that you believed was previously resolved otherwise how could this person be so
happy and in love with you?) which the narcissist assigns (again) as the reasons for his or her original
inner unresolved and unhealed wounds (rather than dealing with them).
This is especially likely after a period of time when things have been going well.
If your greatest fear is abandonment, the narcissist may threaten to break off or will end the
relationship. If the withholding of affection hurts you the most, the narcissist will ice you out for days.
He or she intimately knows and uses the weapon which will punish you the most for not obeying the
narcissists one true master his or her False Self.
If you ask for accountability, try to set boundaries, or state your rights, you will be accused of
everything the narcissist is doing (and more), gas lighted and punished with lies and third party allies,
and then smeared to anyone who will listen to the narcissist.
The narcissist will hit back harder .
The walking on broken glass has begun as you tip-toe around these horrendous episodes, and you are
supposed to cower into the submission of serving the bottomless, unrealistic and unhealthy
expectations of the narcissists False Self which above all else means never to question, critique or
threaten his or her self-constructed mirage of perfection or specialness in any way.
The Warning Signs

Of course there are genuinely kind, giving, caring and wonderful people in the world.
These people do NOT act out narcissistic rage, malicious vengeful acts, shifting from adore to
abhor on a dime, pathologically lie, smear or punish.
Be VERY clear, if your wonderful, giving narcissist the partner who declares (and even acts as if) you
are the love of his / her life, he or she would take a bullet for you, drop everything for you, and
always be there for you acts in these severely narcissistic ways the giving was never about
YOU it has always been about supplying and preserving the narcissists False Self.
Also be very aware, the other connections this person has to people he or she cares about (especially
ex-partners or acquaintances this person helps) are not only feeding the narcissists False Self, but
could very well be compromising the emotional and sexual fidelity of your relationship.
Naturally it could be very easy to fall for a potential partner who portrays how generous, altruistic and
caring they are. Not only to the people they care about, but possibly also the world in general.
Therefore: Beware of these warning signs to avoid getting involved with an altruistic narcissist:
1) Anyone who professes how important romance is, how they have an incredible amount to give in
love, and how they want a partner who can love them as much as they can love. Especially if this
person worships the concept of unique and idealised love.
2) An ex-partner appearing on the scene, especially if this ex-partner freaks out about the narcissist
having you as a new partner and starts declaring that a relationship still exists, he or she is still having
sexual contact etc. Do NOT just accept your new partners excuses to discredit this information.
Usually where there is smoke there is fire. Altruistic narcissists need attention, adoration and usually
sex. They cannot bear being alone. Another emotional / sexual hookup in the wings is very likely.
3) The self-promotion of being generous, giving and caring. Generous, giving and caring people just
are. They certainly do not have to grandstand it and sell it as: This is the wonderful partner that I am
and could be for you.
4) An abusive and/or unavailable relationship with his or her parents. Especially if the abuse was
present between the age of 0 6.
5) Any expression such as I want to own you heart (or your soul). This is not a declaration of healthy
love; it is one of narcissistic possession, entitlement and control.
Male altruistic narcissists act as if they are supporters and carers of the women. They appear to revere,
protect and promote women. Like all male narcissists they are actually misogynists, demanding the
mirroring of love, approval and worthiness from women that they didnt receive from their mothers,
and will seek revenge on these women (their mother) when the False Selfs expectations are inevitably
unmet.
At the very least, women will be dismissed as not good enough to meet the insatiable needs of the
False Self.
Therefore also beware of meeting any man who states all the reasons why his previous partners were
not good enough for him. No matter how wonderful and different he professes you are now, you
will be next in line to fall short of the grandiose demands of his False Self. Be prepared sooner or later
to be significantly discredited by him.
Altruistic narcissists are very capable of creating multiple sexual partners, and telling women whatever
they need to hear to believe they are exclusive partners and that the narcissist is practicing fidelity.
As Sam Vaknin states: Narcissist know they are amoral. They recognise this. The truth is they dont
care.
Your Healing
The information I have given you in this article is to help you get VERY clear if you are dealing with
the horrific confusion of Maybe this person is not a narcissist, because of his or her wonderful
attributes.
Now you can understand if this person is acting out narcissistically, you can logically close the gap on
this discrepancy and realise why the narcissist is also capable of acting so wonderfully.
Be very clear this is NOT love. Love does not behave like this. Love is not pathological lying, taking
umbrage at a slight at a moments notice, having the capacity to maliciously maim in order to punish
you, exhibiting zero ability to take responsibility for atrocious acts, and it certainly is not the ability to
create horrific smear campaigns based on fabricated evidence and projections regarding what the
narcissist does him or herself.
Only severely personality disordered individuals have the capacity to behave like this. Cluster B
defunctions epitomise this behaviour and the nasty vengeful pay-back tactics are decidedly
narcissistic.
You were not a worshipped and adored love partner. You were merely being groomed (often brutally)
to serve the narcissists False Self (which is what the narcissists entire life existence is about).
Love doesnt even come in to it. You will not lose out on love by breaking free from this person. You
will instead align with the ability to heal and create love for real.
And you certainly can establish real self-love, and know that you would never tolerate behaviour like
this again.
Of course recovery is simply not as easy as just knowing this.
I know from personal experience, as well as assisting thousands of people heal from narcissistic abuse,
that knowledge and understanding from a logical standpoint is not enough.
If you have experienced the heart and soul-bending agony of You love me, you love me not you
may be feeling shattered, reeling and wondering how you will ever recover.
This is where the deeper healing strategies come into place.
Those of you who are members of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, know how to locate,
release and transform, with the use of Quanta Freedom Healing, the parts of yourself that were not just
maimed by the narcissist, but were also original unhealed parts that attracted, and led you into creating
and maintaining a relationship with a narcissist.
To release ourselves from profound heartbreak, deep inner narcissistic poisoning (which permeates
every part of your being), C-PTSD and the many twisted and convoluted agonies of narcissistic abuse,
it is vital to work on our deep Inner Identity to heal these parts.
You have to see the truth of the outer narcissistic personality, get very clear on what it is, how it does
not serve you, and firmly know that what this person represents and brings to the table is NOT healthy
or real love.
And realise that when such high-level pathological behaviour is playing out this person does not have
the resources, and certainly does not have the desire, to change.
Then you need to get very clear about getting your focus on to yourself, not only to be released from
the pain, but so that you can clean up the patterns of abuse and high levels of tolerance to abuse
behaviour within yourself that co-created this dynamic.
Because of the ongoing work I am doing with victims of narcissistic abuse, and my own deep inner
growth work, I am becoming more and more intimately aware how the parts within us mirror the
attraction / connection to the narcissist and what they are and how to target them.
When I saying mirroring, in no way am I saying that you are a bad person. What I am saying is that
there are unhealed parts and fearful belief systems that made you not only susceptible to narcissistic
abuse, but made it excruciatingly difficult to leave, maintain No Contact, heal, recover and move on
and this is the case with most victims of narcissistic abuse until they release and heal these parts.
The ultimate goal is to do this inner work to such a depth that the narcissist no longer feels like your
reality, and you know that you would never tolerate or endure such behaviour again.
When this happens the pain and symptoms disappear, as does the heartbreak, attraction, obsession
and feelings of loss.
The reason this happens is: on a belief system, and energetic (emotional) level, when you do the direct
inner work, you are no longer a match for a narcissist.
There is a very powerful truth in life: Whatever we will tolerate we will receive.
If we have been narcissistically abused, our greatest healing liberation is to change this.
Very soon I will be releasing to NARP members by email even more shift tips and techniques to
directly muscle test, target and release the parts of yourself that hooked into and stay hooked to the pain
of narcissistic abuse (and keep you separated from healthy relationships), such as:
I love men (or women) who hurt me
If I let go, and am alone I will die
When faced with abuse or insanity I have to fight against it and stop it happening or I will die
.
There are so, so many more. I promise you these few are only the tip of the iceberg.
To test these beliefs you can check out my article which explains how to muscle test.
Simply by getting a yes to any or all of these beliefs you can see why you have been abused, and why
you are struggling to let go of the pain and attraction of abuse.
If you would like further information on how to identify if a person in your life is narcissistic, you can
read Is He or She Really A Narcissist? Laying Boundaries and Accountability.
I would love to hear your comments about altruistic narcissism. Have you heard of it before? Have you
experienced narcissists who can be so loving and caring one minute and are cruel, controlling and
manipulative the next?
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio
host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.
Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of
narcissistic abuse world-wide.
This entry was posted in Articles and tagged Alturistic narcissism, is the narcissistic capable of love,
narcissistic abuse by Melanie Tonia Evans. Bookmark the permalink.
235 thoughts on Is The Narcissist Capable Of Loving?

1. Jennifer on January 30, 2013 at 2:51 pm said:
How I wish I could have read this 6 months ago. I have
been left homeless and near pennyless by my ex fianc.
You have described his PERFECTLY! He supports Breast Cancer Coalition.is a support of
the Boys and Girls clubuses his Ferari and other fancy cars to raise money
for these charities. This same person all alone ended our
engagment and 3 days later had me ejected from the home we shared. I have no home and am
living with my adult son and his wife. I would constantly be confused by his personality. In my
coreI began to sense something so very wrong but on the outside..he is well liked and looked
up too. The private hell is maddening and beyond confusing. His latest behavior however is
visible to the outside world and he is doing his best to smear me.tape recorded on his phone a
conversation we had while he told me for no reason the realationship was over. The fear and
threat of no home and not being able to work from home caused me to be so frightened and
scared that I was terrified. He captured this on tape to share with others as to MY emotional
instability. He had a police officer come to our house (he owns it) and have the officer tell me I
was a house guest and no longer wanted and that I had 15 minutes to gather a few things!! In
shock I left and only got my belongs returned 3 days ago. A house guest that needed a moving
company for 4 hours to move my things and a house guest that remodeled his home! Unreal.
Here I amin my sons home just baffled and distraught over how quickly my life went from
zero to 100! I am SO ready to learn my part in this. My Father has been the template so I
understand that.but I really want to recognize, heal and grow my wounded parts. Thank you
for an amazing articlejust wish I knew this 6 months ago. As they say all things happen for a
reason. I believe I need to learn the lesson in front of me and heal myself once and for all. Your
article and Melanies website are helping me on this path.
WIth thanks and blessings..Jennifer
Melanie Tonia Evans on January 30, 2013 at 3:24 pm said:
Hi Jennifer,
Yes I am sure a lot of people can relate to needing to sort out this confusion much
earlier!
I am so pleased this article has helped you emotionally and mentally reconcile what was
taking place.
It is so true that only personality disordered individuals behave in the ways that you have
described in your post. And no matter how gut wrenching your experience was it is such
a blessing that you are now out and free in order to live your life so much more healthily.
It is also wonderful that you wish to heal the inner you, so that you will never experience
an insidious relationship like this again.
You are so welcome
Mel xo
Michelle on March 22, 2013 at 4:00 pm said:
Hi Melanie,
You have been describing my life story, its as if you were a fly on the wall of my
life. We are divorced, and he still professes his undying love and says it ewas a
mistake and wants to remarry me, then wont call me for days because I will not
stay over his house. It was incredibily a relief to read your post ans letters, and
know that I am NOT crazy, and not unloveable, he did the character assasination,
and even punched me in the face when I went to his house because he had been
talking Suicide because he was so depressed, well it turns out he was still seeing
the women he had been cheating with since 2010, so when she came out and tried
to question me and he started pushing my down the driveway, so when I pushed
him away, he punched me with a closed fist, so I called the police, and he was
very agitaed and they tazed hi. Do you know that he said it was my fault, and my
fault the he cheated on me in the first place? Of course you know that LOL! YOu
are helping me tremendously. He is at the top of the Narcissitic list.I dont hate
him, but I feel sorry for him. I would love to hold a conference as I know quite a
few women who are going through this struggle. I cannot thank YOU ENOUGH
for your due diligence. God bless you for your work!
Michelle
John on June 4, 2013 at 2:57 am said:
I am divorcing after 3 years of hell. we first met and she was on 12
different medicatin to control her. After she talk me into helping her get
off the medication she started reading how her mom was a narrcissist. She
went to month of theripy to get over it. All of a sudden I became the
problem. It was me that was the abusive one and along with her mom.
Life was up and down fights all the time and I could not understand what
was going on. We both when and seen a Psychologist and after 3 meeting
he told me to get divorce fast and run fast. I did not do what he said and I
allowed her to keep me in the relationship. After one day she sawI was
seeing what she was , she put a civil protection order on me and all hell
brock out. Te court found out she lied and made her leave he home. She
thinks that everything should e hers and this is after she stold all my life
savings. And she thinks after a 3 year marriage she should hav it all. We
are about to the end of the divorce and she has spent all the money and is
starting to give up because her own attorney withdrew because of her
behaviour.
Boy has this been a rude of my life it has almost killed me, I have made
no contact but she will try and use the legal sytem againts me. This
didwork at the beginning but is starting to fail her at the end.
julie on January 30, 2013 at 5:31 pm said:
This came at the right time for me. I am working on step one. In evaluating why I have
such a feeling of loss when I know how abusive he has been and I realize because when
he loved me it seemed so real and wonderful, I held on for those moments. But when I
got tired of the roller coaster (his hot and cold emotions), and did not make the effort to
please him he became very vindictive. Unfortunately, we work for the same company
and it is hard to have to deal w/him (our divorce will be final soon) but I have also been
able to see him in a different light and see how immature, how he is unable to cope with
problems and how fake he is. I am trying to heal my wounded parts but moving forward
has been hard even though deep down for along time I know there was something
missing in him. Your articles have helped me in enforcing my deeper feeling which I
have suppressed for too long!
Melanie Tonia Evans on January 30, 2013 at 8:57 pm said:
Hi Julie,
I am so glad this article came for you when needed.
Be very, very clear. Vindictiveness, vengeance and payback are all personality
disordered actions.
They are absolutely not coming from a person of self-worth or self-love.
Anyone who has reverence for self is not capable of these acts.
Truly you may want to consider NARP to really get to the relief, healing and
transforming of this pattern within you that you require.
Then your pain will end and your true liberation will begin.
Mel xo
Julie on January 31, 2013 at 3:47 am said:
Like so many others have said, this article is just what I needed today. I left my N
husband of 15 months right before Christmas. When our counsellor confronted him with
his abusive treatment of me, he said that I abused him and refused to take any
responsibility for his behaviour. So I knew I had to leave. Even though I have pages and
pages of journal entries about his abusive behaviour and the support of several therapists
who encouraged me to leave, I still doubt myself at times. I worry that I didnt
communicate well enough or try hard enough or give him enough warning that I would
leave if things didnt change. I know in my head that this is silly. But my heart has a hard
time letting go of the altruistic, generous, charismatic person that I fell in love with. And
it is very hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he never really loved me and he will
never understand why I had to leave. But the article today reminded me that he can
display all those wonderful characteristics at times, but that doesnt mean hes not a
narcissist and it doesnt negate the fact that he was abusive. I feel stronger. Thanks!
http://outofthefog.net/Relationships/MaternalChildAbuse.html
Mothers Who Hurt Their Children
Mom knows best - right?
It must be true... A mother knows what's best for her children. Who isn't for motherhood and
apple pie? It's reinforced in our literature, movies, books, our laws, our religion. Mom knows
best. There is no love greater than that of a mother for her children.
A Mother's Love
A Mother's love is something that no one can explain,
It is made of deep devotion and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining, it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence of God's tender guiding hand.
- Helen Steiner Rice Our governments, schools, churches, courts bend over backwards to protect and support the
rights of mothers. Mothers are encouraged and empowered to home school their children,
diagnose their illnesses, control their activities, choose their friendships, dictate their living
conditions, even select their religion.
Parenthood isn't easy and many mothers do an excellent job of what is a very challenging
assignment...
But not all.
How Common is Child Abuse?

In the US, an estimated 903,000 children (1.2% of all children) were victims of abuse and
neglect in 2001. 19% of reported and substantiated child abuse cases result in the child being
removed from the home.
Form of Abuse
Neglect (including medical
neglect)
Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Other Maltreatment
Source:
Percentage
57.2%
18.6%
9.6%
26.6%
US Department of Health and Human Services Child Maltreatment Report 2001
Child Abuse Victims by Ethnicity
White
African-American
Hispanic
American Indian & Alaska Native
Asian Pacific Islander
Percentage
50.2%
25.0%
14.5%
2.0%
1.3%
Source:
BBC News Article, October 17, 2011 "America's child death shame"
Child Neglect
Children are the most vulnerable to neglect, and child neglect is by far the most common form of child abuse recorded in the
US, accounting for 71% of reported cases in 2008:
Source:
US Department of Health and Human Services Child Maltreatment Report 2008

The answer may surprise you. It is most commonly not the proverbial "stranger" that most children are warned to avoid - it is
more likely to be someone much closer to home:
See Larger Chart

Examples of Common Dysfunctional Traits

Here are some examples of some dysfunctional maternal traits that are common among
mothers who suffer from personality disorders. Click on the links for more information about
each trait or Click Here for more Common Traits of People who Suffer from Personality Disorders.
someones behaviors.
Engulfment - An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another
relationship.
someone else.

Infantilization - Treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.
Mood Swings - Unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily
Parentification - A form of role reversal, in which a child is inappropriately given the role of
Perfectionism - The maladaptive practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic,
Projection - The act of attributing one's own feelings or traits to another person and
imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.
Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship
US Child Custody Statistics

Many people believe that mothers are naturally better caregivers than fathers. And the US
courts seem to agree. US Divorce Statistics show that a divorcing mother is 7 times more
likely to retain sole custody of her children than a father:
USA 1990 Custody Statistics
(19 States reporting)
Percent
age
Sole possession granted to

mother
72.5%
Sole possession granted to

father
10.3%
Joint possession
15.7%
Possession granted to other

1.4%
person(s)
Source: http://www.divorcepeers.com/stats17.htm
Fathers, who want to protect their children from an abusive mother, are sometimes afraid to
take legal action because they fear:
Facing ridicule or disbelief from police or social services.
Losing all contact with their children at the hands of a gender-biased legal system
Facing steep legal costs.
Facing abuse themselves at the hands of the perpetrator
Being judged by their communities, families and friends.
Child Support Statistics

When it comes to child support, US census data indicates that:
79.6% of custodial mothers receive a child support award
29.9% of custodial fathers receive a child support award
US census data also indicates that fathers are more likely to fulfil their child support
obligations than mothers:
43% of moms required to pay child support are "deadbeat moms" - i.e. they default on
100% of the money they owe,
32% of dads required to pay child support are "deadbeat dads" - i.e. they default on
100% of the money they owe.
One of the reasons that "deadbeat dads" get most of the bad press in the popular media is
that there are a lot more of them - primarily for 2 reasons:
There are 7 times more fathers than mothers who do not have primary custody of the
children.
Fathers are 3 times more likely than mothers to be ordered to pay child support than
their female counterparts.
Source: 2002 Fox News Article
Qualifications for becoming a Mother

So who really does know best?
Drive a car,
Fly a plane
Operate a crane
Run a restaurant
medical treatment
But there is no qualification for becoming a Mother other than being female. Nor is there any
review of your performance except in the most severe cases of physical violence and neglect.
hitting
slandering
harassing
stalking
Do you Love a Narcissist?
http://darlenelancer.com/blog/do-you-love-a-narcissist
Its easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell,
along with compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in you. Perhaps you
were embarrassed when your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive way he or she
treated a waitress. Once hooked, you have to contend with their demands, criticisms, and selfcenteredness. The relationship revolves around them, and youre expected to meet their needs when
needed, and are dismissed when not.
What its Like. In the beginning, you were delighted to be in the narcissists aura. Now youre tense
and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, and unjustified indignation at imaginary slights. You
begin to doubt yourself, worry what he or she will think, and become as pre-occupied with the
narcissist, as he or she is with him or herself.
After a while, you start to lose self-confidence. Your self-esteem may have been intact when you met,
but your partner finds you coming up short, and doesnt fail to point it out. Most narcissists are
perfectionists, and nothing you or others do is right or appreciated. Talking about your disappointment
or hurt gets turned into your fault or another opportunity to put you down. They can dish it, but not take
it, being highly sensitive to any perceived judgment.
Narcissists have no boundaries and see you as an extension of themselves, requiring that youre on call
to meet their needs regardless of whether youre ill or in pain. You might get caught-up in trying to
please them. This is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Their needs, whether for admiration, service,
love, or purchases, are endless. You might go out of your way to fill their request only to have your
efforts devalued because you didnt read their mind. They expect you to know without having to ask.
You end up in a double-blind damned if you displease them and damned when you do. Narcissists
dont like to hear No. Setting boundaries threatens them. Theyll manipulate to get their way make
sure you feel guilty if youre bold enough to risk turning them down. You become afraid that if you
dont please them, you risk an onslaught of blame and punishment, love being withheld, and a rupture
in the relationship. All too possible, because the narcissists relationship is with him or herself. You just
have to fit in. Nevertheless, you stay in the relationship, because periodically the charm, excitement,
and loving gestures that first enchanted you return.
Do Narcissists love? In public, narcissists switch on the charm that first drew you in. People gravitate
towards them and are enlivened by their energy. Youre proud to bask in their glow, but at home,
theyre totally different. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining. You begin
to wonder if they have an outward as if personality. Maybe youre reassured of their love when they
bestow complimentary and caring words and gestures, are madly possessive, or buy you expensive
gifts, then doubt their sincerity and question whether theyre being manipulative or saying whats
appropriate.
Sometimes, you might think they love only themselves. Thats a common misconception. Actually, they
dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely
covers for the self-loathing they dont admit usually even to themselves. Instead, its projected
outwards in their disdain for and criticism of others. This is why they dont want to look at themselves.
Theyre too afraid, because they believe that the truth would be devastating. Actually, they dont have
much of a Self at all. Emotionally, theyre dead inside. (See Self-Love.)
Early Beginnings. Its hard to be empathic with narcissists, but they didnt choose to be that way.
Their natural development was arrested as a toddler due to faulty, early parenting, usually by the
mother who didnt provide sufficient nurturing and opportunity for idealization. Theyre left with an
unrealistic view of themselves, and at time make you experience what it was like having had to feed the
needs of a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Anne Rices vampire Lestat had such an
emotionally empty mother, who devotedly bonded with him to survive. The deprivation of real
nurturing and lack of boundaries make narcissists dependent on others to feed their insatiable need for
validation. Like the mythological Narcissus, they dont know themselves, but only can love themselves
as a reflection in the eyes of others. Poor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human
love. He fell in love with his reflection by a pool, and died by the water, hungering for a response from
his reflection.
Diagnosis. All personality traits, including narcissism, exist on a continuum from mild to severe.
Narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and some narcissistic traits to Narcissistic Personality
Disorder (NPD). NPD wasnt categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association until
1987, because it was felt that too many people shared some of the traits and it was difficult to diagnose.
The summarized diagnosis is controversial and undergoing further change:
Someone with NPD is grandiose (sometimes only in fantasy), lacks empathy, and needs admiration
from others, as indicated by five of these characteristics:
1. A grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents
2. Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with
other special or of high-status people (or institutions)
6. Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes
7. Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
8. Envies others or believes theyre envious of him or her
9. Has an attitude of arrogance or acts that way
Of all the narcissists, beware of malignant narcissists, who are the most pernicious, hostile, and
destructive. They take traits 6 & 7 to an extreme, and are vindictive and malicious. Avoid them before
they destroy you.
Codependency. People with codependency lack a core Self, and define themselves based on others.
This is true for all narcissists, whose Self is so weak and insecure, they need constant validation.
Stereotypically, theyre not interested in taking care of others but some narcissists are caretakers.
Many narcissistic men do this with money, because it boosts their self-esteem.
When two narcissists get together, theyre miserable needing each other, yet fighting over whose needs
come first and pushing away. On the other hand, it can be a perfect fit, albeit painful, for ordinary
codependents, because their low self-esteem, is boosted by the narcissists attributes and aura of
success. It also allows them to tolerate the narcissists emotional abuse. They feel needless and guilty
asserting their needs and caring for a narcissist makes them feel valued. Because they feel undeserving
of receiving love, they dont expect to be loved for who they are only for what they give or do.
Treatment. Narcissists dont usually seek help unless a major loss shatters their illusions. But both
narcissism and codependency can be healed with courage, time, and a commitment to yourself.
Recovery entails improving boundaries and self-acceptance based upon real self-knowledge.
Psychotherapy and joining a 12-Step program are beneficial ways to start.
Darlene Lancer, 2011
Do narcissists have a conscience?
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/01/do-narcissists-have-
conscience.html
Believe it or not, I have been so buried in the Australian Open and my Pro Shop that I had trouble
thinking of a topic for my next post here. But someone just gave me a good idea.
Do narcissists have a conscience?
Sam Vaknin:
No. Conscience is predicated on empathy. One puts oneself in other people's "shoes" and
feels the way they do. Without empathy, there can be no love or conscience. Indeed, the
narcissist has neither. To him, people are sillhuettes, penumbral projections on the walls of
his inflated sense of self, figments of his fantasies. How can one regret anything if one is a
solipsist (i.e., recognizes only his reality and no one else's)?
A caveat: as I've said before, what he says about narcissists generally rings true to me. (What he says
about others though is a different matter. His perceptions of others are being filtered at a bias through
the disease.) And here he's talking about narcissists.
Now, I could pick a nit, but I think I would have to be intentionally misunderstanding him as saying
more than he means to say here.
That nit? Well, you must always be careful when you make blanket statements about narcissists (or
anyone for that matter). In other words, an objection can be raised if you declare that narcissists have
no...
empathy
conscience
shame
feelings
and so forth.
These things are not organs that can be cut out. They are mental processes that the human brain is
wired for.
But ALL people have great power to exert voluntary control to suppress or repress (to unconscious
levels) any of these mental states. In other words, ALL people can make themselves lose self-awareness
so that, for all practical purposes, they have no conscience, no empathy, no feelings, and so on.
Doubt it? Remember the countless proofs of this throughout history, beginning with throwing
Christians to the lions in ancient Rome and ending with hacking people to pieces in Rwanda. Was
empathy or conscience in evidence among the perpetrators and bystanders?
No, they had it turned off like a light switch.
In all such mass evildoing, masses of people killed their consciences and had none. More correctly, we
could say that they replaced it it with an an unconscience instead - one that makes people able to charge
a starving Jew a diamond ring for a loaf of bread at the fence around the Warsaw Ghetto during the
Holocaust.
Don't try to tell me that anyone with any conscience, empathy, or human feelings did that. And yet
countless Poles went to Mass and Communion in the morning and then went out to the ghetto and did
that. Without a twinge of conscience.
Yet this same person might feel very guilty a moment later for cursing over stubbing his toe.
Go figure. The way people mess with their minds is bizarre.
Clearly, these mental states of absence of conscience, empathy, shame and feelings are HABITS of
MIND under conscious control. If you never use the wiring for them, those parts of the brain don't
develop as much gray matter (connections). Which is why the brains of psychopaths actually look a bit
different: they lack development in some areas like unused muscles do. And they show greater
development in other areas.
That just shows what parts of the brain they're using the most, period.
Instead of using the emotional parts of the brain to process things that cause normal people to use them
(and thus have an emotional response to something) they have a HABIT of using nonemotional parts of
the brain to think about the matter. That's why narcissists and psychopaths are so cold-blooded and
brutal.
In narcissists, this is the default mode. They are in it about everything all the time. Since early
childhood. It's a habitual state of mind. They have chosen it.
They say they don't experience the full range of feelings other people seem to experience. But pardon
me for not feeling sorry them, because this is no accident. It is no brain malfunction. It is the
consequence of repressing their feelings all their lives, feelings which they view as "weakness" and
despise.
Therefore, it takes some conscious effort for them to dig deep and get in touch with their buried
feelings. I suppose it actually takes effort for them to empathize (when they want to put themselves in
your shoes to see how various things would feel so they can hit you where it hurts most = be sadistic).
So, for all practical purposes, a narcissist has no conscience - except at rare and unwanted
moments of self-awareness, when something happens to cause a sense of conscience to rise from
its shallow grave and haunt the conscious centers of mind.
He will immediately repress it again though, immediately rebury that corpus delicti.
It's like his abysmal self-esteem: he keeps that buried too, under a delusion of its opposite.
Nonetheless, the twisted are so twisted that I don't blame anyone for making a blanket statement such
as that narcissists have no conscience. For all practical purposes that is true. And quibbling that it is
false on the technicality that a narcissist may, in spite of him- or her-self, experience the vague,
phantom pain of a conscience for 5 seconds once or twice a year - THAT'S taking the deceitful position
on the matter.
I don't blame anyone for saying that narcissists have no feelings (for anyone but themselves), no
empathy, and no conscience without qualifying it every single time with that knotty caveat. You'd never
get anything said about narcissism if you had to interrupt yourself at every point to explain how
everything about a narcissist is a thoroughly twisted, compensatory complex. That's what they get for
being so complex.
At 3:43 AM, Anonymous said... Like to share my thoughts on this one.
I often wondered about their conscience and I think there is something there in narcissists.
In my work I met a few real psychopaths and there is a striking difference with narcissists (npd) I
observed.
The psychopaths I met did not realy try to- or were not able to hide their bad behaviour or their sins.
They even often took pride in telling about it. The ones I met were not putting great effort in investing
in a 'great' image.
They didn't compensate anything. They were just who they were; people with no conscience
whatsoever.
No sign of it and thus no sign of real effort of compensating for it.
In this way psychopaths for me are more easy to spot and and see through than narcissist. In this way
they are less dangerous I think. But very dangerous offcourse!
Narcissist on the contrary take tremendous effort in exposing a perfect image. They constantly invest in
compensating their misdeeds by configurate them in 'good'-deeds by chancing the script and blaming
others.
Just to repair there perfect image.
Just as you often say Kathy, I also believe they rather die than realy admit they did something wrong
and allow a crack in the mirror especialy when they grow older.
This behaviour illustrates that they know perfectly the difference between good and bad. They are in a
way even experts on this I believe.
It could therefor be that their -in fact- sensetive conscience drives their bad behaviour.
Cause if you can not allow yourself to make any faults you have to surpress them if you make any and
turn them in something contrary.
I believe this is what narcissists (npd) constantly do and maybe this is also the reason why it becomes
worse when they get older: every sin treated this way (denial and projection) comes on top of the
previous till the point your live is one big lie and everyone around you is weak, bad or anyway
imperfect.
And I think they know it. That's why they get worse and worse I think.
Hitler was the ultimate example maybe; he tried to kill everyone else in the end and only shot himself
when he knew he could not succeed.
So, is there a conscience in narcissists? I think there is but it's so totaly surpressed in time that the effect
is the same as if there was none.
But in my opinion it's worse and more dangerous than psychopaths for it's hidden behind this perfect
image for the majority of people.
They project the contrary of their bad-conscience to the world.
And they often do it very, very convincing.
greetings, Gerard
By the way, I like to order your boork Kathy. How does it work to Holland?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lindsey-ellison/the-1-secret-on-how-to-en_b_5785616.html
The #1 Secret on How To Engage With a Narcissist
Posted: 09/08/2014 5:43
pm EDT Updated: 09/17/2014 9:59 am EDT
If you are related to, married to, or divorced from a narcissist, then you know how difficult it is reason
with them.
Narcissists are masters at manipulation. They are often intelligent and charming when you first meet
them. In the beginning, you hold them to such high esteem (of course to which they are fully aware)
and they love to bask in your adulation.
But once you catch on to their tactics, and question behavior that is opposite of their once-charming
selves, they become deeply threatened. They will then paint themselves as a victim and you as their
aggressor, and expertly blame you for the relationship's demise, and all other misfortunes in their life.
And you, as the codependent, try to reason with him, change his mind, or challenge every verbal
assault point-by-point in hopes that he snaps out of his irrational behavior.
Maybe this time he will understand, you think.
If I explain it to him this way, he will get it. He can't be THAT close-minded, I'm going to tell him once
more.
But the more you explain, the colder and more manipulative he becomes. He may talk to you like a
child, as if you're stupid. And you can't even believe how a person can lack such empathy, so you
explain more, trying harder and harder to make him "get it" -- and the more you do that, the more it
supplies his narcissistic fantasies that he is better and smarter than anyone.
The constant attempts to explain or get some kind of emotional response with no return is what I call
the Narcissistic Vortex -- it's a deep, black hole that sucks you in, with no way out. And until you
understand this, you are going to think you're crazy, unloved, or worse, that you aren't worthy of
anyone else's love so you end up staying with this person or being alone forever.
If you are not married and trying to end a relationship with a Narcissist, then the expert advice is to
have no contact with him. You end the relationship cold-turkey, as if giving up a very bad addiction.
But what if you are divorcing a narcissist, or you must endure a co-parenting relationship long term -how do you manage the constant manipulation even as you try to get on with your life? He might
blame you for the smallest mistakes (thereby raising his own false self-worth), or he criticizes you for
everything you do with the kids. And because he is SO falsely mistaken, you write him a long email,
explaining your actions, or you become ensued in a long texting battle.
And thus, you enter the Narcissistic Vortex.
You must remember, this vortex is a trap. By replying to him (no matter how negative), it feeds his
narcissistic supply -- a.k.a, his false sense of self that he is better than you (or anyone else for that
matter).
So if the manipulation happens via email, for example, you must first ask yourself: does it require a
reply? Are there any crucial issues that really require your response, like financial matters during
divorce or logistics with the children?
Unfortunately with Narcissists, they can never write an email without making themselves look a
victim/martyr, or passive aggressively knocking your ability to function as an adult. The true secret to
engaging with a narcissist is little to no response. Reply with "yes" or "no" answers, or merely
factual replies like, "yes, I am picking kids up at 5:00 p.m. today." Ignore all other stabs or attempts of
getting a heated reaction from you.
If your narcissist wants to talk with you over the phone about certain matters, let him ask you questions
for which a yes or no answer is required. If the conversation results in accusations or manipulation,
quite simply say to him, "If you have anything to discuss with me, please put it in email." And then
hang up.
You will never change his mind. You will never get him to see your side of things. As long as you
attempt to do so, you will forever be stuck in his vortex and unable to move on.
Learning how to deal with a narcissist can't be accomplished by reading just this one blog. It takes skill,
practice, reading books on the subject and perhaps coaching or therapy. Whatever you do, don't try to
learn this alone.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201105/the-narcissistic-family-tree
The Narcissistic Family Tree

It can be pretty and decaying at the same time.
Published on May 1, 2011 by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love
Clinical experience and research show that adult children of narcissists have a difficult time putting
their finger on what is wrong, because denial is rampant in the narcissistic family system:
"The typical adult from a narcissistic family is filled with unacknowledged anger, feels like
a hollow person, feels inadequate and defective, suffers from periodic anxiety and
depression, and has no clue about how he or she got that way."Pressman and Pressman,
The Narcissistic Family
It is common for adult children of narcissists to enter treatment with emotional symptoms or
relationship issues, but simultaneously display a lack of awareness of the deeper etiology or cause.
The narcissistic family hides profound pain.
Such families tend to operate according to an unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those
rules, but never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block their emotional access to
their parents. They basically become invisibleneither heard, seen, or nurtured. Conversely, and
tragically, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use (or
abuse) them as they see fit.
The following are some common dynamics of this profoundly dysfunctional intergenerational system.
(Keep in mind there are always degrees of dysfunction on a spectrum depending on the level of
narcissism in the parents.)
1. Secrets. The family secret is that the parents are not meeting the children's emotional needs, or
that they are abusive in some way. This is the norm in the narcissistic family. The message to
the children: "Don't tell the outside worldpretend everything is fine."
2. Image. The narcissistic family is all about image. The message is: "We are bigger, better, have
no problems, and must put on the face of perfection." Children get the messages: "What would
the neighbors think?" "What would the relatives think?" What would our friends think?" These
are common fears in the family: "Always put a smile on that pretty little face."
3. Negative Messages. Children are given spoken and unspoken messages that get internalized,
typically: "You're not good enough"; "You don't measure up"; "You are valued for what you do
rather than for who you are."
4. Lack of Parental Hierarchy. In healthy families, there is a strong parental hierarchy in which
the parents are in charge and shining love, light, guidance, and direction down to the children.
In narcissistic families, this hierarchy is non-existent; the children are there to serve parental
needs.
5. Lack of Emotional Tune-In. Narcissistic parents lack the ability to emotionally tune in to their
kids. They cannot feel and show empathy or unconditional love. They are typically critical and
judgmental.
6. Lack of Effective Communication. The most common means of communication in narcissistic
families is triangulation. Information is not direct. It is told through one party about another in
hopes it will get back to the other party. Family members talk about each other to other
members of the family, but don't confront each other directly. This creates passive-aggressive
behavior, tension, and mistrust. When communication is direct, it is often in the form of anger
or rage.
7. Unclear Boundaries. There are few boundaries in the narcissistic family. Children's feelings
are not considered important. Private diaries are read, physical boundaries are not kept, and
emotional boundaries are not respected. The right to privacy is not typically a part of the family
history.
8. One Parent Narcissistic, the Other Orbiting. If one parent is narcissistic, it is common for the
other parent to have to revolve around the narcissist to keep the marriage intact. Often, this
other parent has redeeming qualities to offer the children, but is tied up meeting the needs of the
narcissistic spouse, leaving the children's needs unmet. Who is there for them?
9. Siblings Not Encouraged to Be Close. In healthy families, we encourage our children to be
loving and close to each other. In narcissistic families, children are pitted against each other and
taught competition. There is a constant comparison of who is doing better and who is not. Some
are favored or seen as "the golden child," and others become the scapegoat for a parent's
projected negative feelings. Siblings in narcissistic families rarely grow up feeling emotionally
connected to each other.
10.Feelings. Feelings are denied and not discussed. Children are not taught to embrace their
emotions and process them in realistic ways. They are taught to stuff and repress them, and are
told their feelings don't matter. Narcissistic parents are typically not in touch with their own
feelings and therefore project them onto others. This causes a lack of accountability and
honesty, not to mention other psychological disorders. If we don't process feelings, they do leak
out in other unhealthy ways.
11."Not Good Enough" Messages. These messages come across loud and clear in the narcissistic
family. Some parents actually speak this message in various ways; others just model it to the
children. Even if they display arrogant and boastful behavior, under the veneer of a narcissist is
a self-loathing psychethat gets passed to the child.
12. DysfunctionObvious or Covert. In narcissist families, the dynamics can be seen or
disguised. The dysfunction displayed in violent and abusive homes is usually obvious, but
emotional and psychological abuse, as well as neglectful parenting, are often hidden. While the
drama is not displayed as openly to the outside world, it is just as, if not, more damaging to the
children.
Reviewing these dynamics, one can see how this kind of family can look pretty but be decaying at the
same time. If you recognize your family in this description, know that there is hope and recovery. We
can't change the past, but we can take control of the now. We do not have to be defined by the wounds
in our family systems. As Mark Twain defines the optimist, I see the recovering adult child: "A person
who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness."
We can create new life that will flow through us to the future and stop the legacy of distorted love
learned in the narcissistic family. If we choose recovery, we can defy intergenerational statistics.
We Can!
http://themindunleashed.org/2014/09/8-ways-spot-emotional-manipulation-free.html
8 Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation.. and

Free Ourselves From It
We as human beings have a very strong self-centered aspect (even if it may not be truly real) of our
beings called the ego, and many problems arise when this aspect of the human experience goes
uncontrolled. Manipulation has always been a favored tool of the ego in order to get what it wants.
This manipulation can come in either a physical form or it can be seen to work on the emotional level
in order to break the psyche into meeting the manipulators desires. Properly identifying the ways in
which people emotionally manipulate others can save us much suffering in the future when identified
early enough.
By protecting ourselves from being manipulated on the emotional level, we are able to free ourselves
once and for all from the violation of our universal right of free will. Just as we can shift our
consciousness from the state of fear which is often imposed on us by emotional manipulators, we can
shift away from any debilitating mind state. The following will be a detailed list of signs to look for in
people that are trying to emotionally manipulate others and how to defend against these sinister tactics.
Identifying Emotional Manipulation

You make a statement that is turned around to be used against you in a negative
way.
The person will speak with an air of honesty that is in fact a cover for their true intentions. An example
would be that you would tell this person something like, I am really angry that you forgot my
birthday. Their response would be that it makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your
birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment, but you see I
didnt want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (by this point, persuasive tears
may begin to appear in order to give more credence to this manipulation tactic being used) aside and
focused on your birthday. Sorry.
Your intuition may sense that this elaborate apology is not genuine. However, since they said the magic
words, you are essentially left with nothing more to say or you will find yourself trying to control their
fake anger. When this scenario plays out, do not accept an apology that is as real as their true
intentions. If you do accept the apology, you have just been emotionally manipulated! If it does not feel
genuine, it probably is not. Do not allow yourself to me emotionally blackmailed because if you do
that one time, the emotional manipulator will see that it can be used as a successful method of getting
what he or she desires.
The person presents his or herself as a willing helper.

A person that acts as an emotional manipulator plays the part of someone who is willing to help out
with any given task. If you ask for their help with something, he or she will be more than willing to
agree. If you did not ask for their help, he or she will volunteer to help with any given task. Seeing an
offer for help looks like a wonderful thing, but in the mind of an emotional manipulator, this is merely
a tactical move in order to fulfill a selfish desire he or she has. If you accept their offer to help, he or
she will express their unwillingness to help by letting out several sighs that are loud enough for you to
notice, or some other non-verbal signs that let you know they actually do not want to help you with
whatever it was they offered to help with.

You will notice this and tell them that it does not seem as if they actually want to help, and this is when
he or she begin their main manipulation efforts. He or she will show their great will to help you and
that you are being unreasonable. In order to bypass this manipulation, ignore the fake sighs and subtle
cues that he or she is unwilling to help. You can also confront the individual directly and deliver an
ultimatum (albeit in a civil manner).
They say something but later assure you that they did not say it at all.
This is one tactic that you can see being used in many aspects of society, perhaps the political sphere
being the greatest user of this. If you constantly feel like there may be something wrong with your
memory recall because you remember one thing and the emotional manipulator remembers another,
then be cautious. Those who have mastered the art of emotional manipulation are experts in
justifying their actions, turning things around against you, and rationalizing situations.
It is as if they have graduated The University of Lying and are incredibly skilled in passing off even the
most ridiculous lie without giving any hints that he or she is being deceitful. They can be expert
persuaders to the point that you begin to question your own memories and sanity. To combat this
technique by the emotional manipulator, keeping a log of what he or she says is a good start to having
definitive proof that he or she is lying right in your face. It does not matter how you go about doing
this. It can be in the form of having another person with you when the manipulator is saying whatever it
is they are saying, writing it down, recording it, etc.
They put you in a guilt trip.

Emotional manipulators are experts in the craft of guilt-tripping. They have the ability to make you feel
guilty either for not speaking up, for speaking up, for not showing enough emotion, for showing too
much emotion, for not giving and/or caring enough, and for giving and/or caring too much. There are
no lines that the emotional manipulator will not cross in order to put you in a guilt trip. This person will
very rarely exhibit any real needs or desires he or she has. Instead, emotional manipulation is the game
they play in order to get these needs and desires satisfied. Combined with guilt, sympathy is a very
powerful tool to manipulate your emotions.
The emotional manipulator is excellent at playing the victim. They stir up your will to support, care,
and nurture them. These individuals very rarely do their own dirty work, so to speak. They are able to
make you do it for them and when you do (through indirect means) they will say that they never
expected or wanted you to do anything at all. Do not worry, you are not losing your sanity! Make it
abundantly clear to them that you are not going to do their dirty work, which can be said by saying I
am fully confident in your ability to work this out on your own.
They are indirect.

By taking the passive-aggressive route, emotional manipulators are able to deal with things indirectly.
Actions in this category include talking behind your back, getting others to say to you what they would
not say themselves, and finding subtle ways of letting you know they are unhappy. They will tell you
things that you want to hear, but then do something to undermine that. An example of this would be if
the manipulator says that of course I want you to go back to school baby and you know I will always
support you. Fast forward to a night where you are either studying for an exam or perhaps finishing a
project for work and your children (if you have some, that is) are throwing temper tantrums, the
televisions volume is set really high, and your pets need taking care of all the while honey is
sitting on the couch looking at you blankly.
If you were to call them out on this, they will likely say something like well you cant expect life to
just stop because you have an exam or have to finish a project for work can you dear? This is a
difficult one to deal with, and if an emotional manipulator pulls this one, the choices for response are
very limitedeven as much that I do not have an adequate method to combat this besides getting this
person out of your life.
They always seem to have it worse than you.

This tactic is pretty straight-forward. No matter what problems you may have in your life, the
emotional manipulator always has problems worse than you. They shift focus from your problems to
their supposed problems (which almost never exist in the way they claim they do).
If you sense that they are not being genuine and are just trying to shift the focus of the conversation on
themselves in order to satisfy an egoistic desire, they will display feelings of being deeply hurt and will
call you selfish. Yes, they will call you selfish, when in reality it is they who are selfish. Every day is
Opposite Day for this emotional manipulator. It is difficult to combat this, because it is difficult to
prove that you are not trying to be in the spotlight, so to speak. However, a clear and effective solution
is to simply trust your intuition on their genuineness and walk away.
They are able to lower the positive energy of others around them.
Given the interconnected nature of human consciousness, everyone affects everyone else. This reality is
able to both benefit and hurt us. If an emotional manipulator is in a room with others who are feeling
fairly content and positive, the manipulators low level of consciousness will negatively impact all the
others around his or herself. If they are angry or sad, others will begin to feel these emotions creep up
into their consciousness and bring them down.
The instinctual result of this is that others will try to bring the energy level back up by trying to make
the emotional manipulator feel better. By staying around such a person for a long period of time, you
will find yourself exhausted with always trying to bring them back up to the positive end of the
emotional spectrum and become burnt out.
They have no sense of accountability.

Emotional manipulators do not take responsibility for their own actions. They always turn around a
situation to see what others have done to them. An easy way to identify an emotional manipulator using
this tactic is to see if he or she attempts to establish intimacy via the early sharing of what is considered
very personal information that is the kind that makes you feel sorry for them.
You may at first feel that this individual is very sensitive, emotionally open, and perhaps even a little
vulnerable. This is precisely how they want you to perceive their actions. Emotional manipulators have
emboldened their ego to such great heights that they practically never feel vulnerable. The best way to
combat this tactic is to identify it early on and cease giving these individuals an audience.
Free Yourself
Every one of us is bound to come across an emotional manipulator sooner or later. By understanding
how they operate and what tactics they use on others, we can be well prepared for their attempts at
using us for their own egoistic desires and can prevent much pain, sometimes even a lifetimes worth.
Spread awareness to others by educating them on emotional manipulation and with our collective
efforts, we will no longer fall for their tricks.
Many thanks to Fiona McCall who wrote Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation - the inspiration for this
article.
About the author:

Paul Lenda is a conscious evolution guide, author of The Creation of a Consciousness Shift and cofounder of SHIFT>, a social community focused on anchoring in the new paradigm and assisting the
positive transformation of humanity. With the drive to be aware of and experience the wider horizon of
Reality, Paul has developed an extensive background in the spiritual and transformative elements of
life; one that is both knowledge and experienced-based.
Visit Pauls website shift.is and connect with him on Twitter.
Credits: Thanks to Wake-up World for this amazing article.
http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm
Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation

Emotional Manipulation is Also "Covert Aggression." See: "Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep's Clothing"
Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl
1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement
and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response
- "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told
you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didnt want to trouble
you. You are right I should have put all this pain (dont be surprised to see real tears at this
point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get
the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since theyve
said the words youre pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly
find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being
played - dont capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it
feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer
TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful
maneuver - its added to their hit list and youll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something
they will almost always agree - that is IF they didnt volunteer to do it first. Then when you say,
"ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know
they dont really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesnt
seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF
COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which
is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional
manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties
- if they dont want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man
headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
3. Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find
yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of whats been said
because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional
manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing,
justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black
and theyll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses.
Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality.
WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an
emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations
during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days
that you want to record their words for posteritys sake. The damndest thing about this is that
having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about
removing yourself from range in the first place. If youre toting a notebook to safeguard
yourself - that ol bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!
4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty
for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for
giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt
with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires
openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of
this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to
reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional
manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and
nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The
crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may
just turn around and say they certainly didnt want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a
point of not fighting other peoples battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I
have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response
and note the bullshit meter once again.
5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They dont deal with things directly. They will talk
around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they
would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting
you know they are not happy little campers. Theyll tell you what they think you want to hear
and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back
to school honey and you know Ill support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and
poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the
while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such
behavior you are likely to hear, "well you cant expect life to just stop because you have an
exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke em - only the last will have any long-term
benefits and itll probably wind your butt in jail.
6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what
your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only
ten times worse. Its hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional
manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back
on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or
very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The
thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of
proving it. Dont bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!
7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of
those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with
it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and
the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is
broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and codependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to
have your needs met.

8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for
themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of
the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish
intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hookyou-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as
very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an
emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a
problem or a crisis to overcome.
http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopaths_in_sheeps_clothing.htm
Psychopaths in Sheep's Clothing

Two Basic Types of Aggression
There are two basic types of aggression: overt-aggression and covert-aggression. When
you're determined to have something and you're open, direct and obvious in your manner of
fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you're out to "win," dominate or
control, but are subtle, underhanded or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your
behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Now, avoiding any overt display of
aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into giving you what you want is a powerfully
manipulative maneuver. That's why covert-aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal
manipulation.
Acts of Covert-Aggression vs. Covert-Aggressive Personalities
Most of us have engaged in some sort of covertly aggressive behavior from time to time.
Periodically trying to manipulate a person or a situation doesn't make someone a covertaggressive personality. Personality can be defined by the way a person habitually perceives,
relates to and interacts with others and the world at large.
The tactics of deceit, manipulation and control are a steady diet for covert-aggressive personality.
It's the way they prefer to deal with others and to get the things they want in life.
The Process of Victimization
For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing what really goes
on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to fault them. But I've learned that they
get hoodwinked for some very good reasons:
1. A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for
something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves
unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence
they're aggressing against us, we can't readily validate our feelings.
2. The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ...,
almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys.
They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're
being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to
consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously
keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective
psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when
someone has you emotionally on the run.
3. All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit.
Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them to take
advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: "Yeah, I know I have a big
guilt button." But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that button, they
can easily forget what's really going on. Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest
vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know
what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be
exploited.
4. What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we've been taught to
believe about human nature. We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing
everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut
tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really
frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of
ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly
negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and
assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to
doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our
manipulator's character.
Recognizing Aggressive Agendas
Accepting how fundamental it is for people to fight for the things they want and becoming more
aware of the subtle, underhanded ways people can and do fight in their daily endeavors and
relationships can be very consciousness expanding. Learning to recognize an aggressive move
when somebody makes one and learning how to handle oneself in any of life's many battles, has
turned out to be the most empowering experience for the manipulation victims with whom I've
worked. It's how they eventually freed themselves from their manipulator's dominance and control
and gained a much needed boost to their own sense of self esteem. Recognizing the inherent
aggression in manipulative behavior and becoming more aware of the slick, surreptitious ways
that manipulative people prefer to aggress against us is extremely important. Not recognizing and
accurately labeling their subtly aggressive moves causes most people to misinterpret the behavior
of manipulators and, therefore, fail to respond to them in an appropriate fashion. Recognizing
when and how manipulators are fighting with covertly aggressive tactics is essential.
Defense Mechanisms and Offensive Tactics
Almost everyone is familiar with the term defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are the
"automatic" (i.e. unconscious) mental behaviors all of us employ to protect or defend ourselves
from the "threat" of some emotional pain. More specifically, ego defense mechanisms are mental
behaviors we use to "defend" our self-images from "invitations" to feel ashamed or guilty about
something. There are many different kinds of ego defenses and the more traditional
(psychodynamic) theories of personality have always tended to distinguish the various personality
types, at least in part, by the types of ego defenses they prefer to use. One of the problems with
psychodynamic approaches to understanding human behavior is that they tend to depict people as
most always afraid of something and defending or protecting themselves in some way; even when
they're in the act of aggressing. Covert-aggressive personalities (indeed all aggressive
personalities) use a variety of mental behaviors and interpersonal maneuvers to help ensure they
get what they want. Some of these behaviors have been traditionally thought of as defense
mechanisms.
While, from a certain perspective we might say someone engaging in these behaviors is defending
their ego from any sense of shame or guilt, it's important to realize that at the time the aggressor
is exhibiting these behaviors, he is not primarily defending (i.e. attempting to prevent some
internally painful event from occurring), but rather fighting to maintain position, gain power and
to remove any obstacles (both internal and external) in the way of getting what he wants. Seeing
the aggressor as on the defensive in any sense is a set-up for victimization. Recognizing that
they're primarily on the offensive, mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to
take in order to avoid being run over. Therefore, I think it's best to conceptualize many of the
mental behaviors (no matter how "automatic" or "unconscious" they may appear) we often think
of as defense mechanisms, as offensive power tactics, because aggressive personalities employ
them primarily to manipulate, control and achieve dominance over others. Rather than trying to
prevent something emotionally painful or dreadful from happening, anyone using these tactics is
primarily trying to ensure that something they want to happen does indeed happen. Using the
vignettes presented in the previous chapters for illustration, let's take a look at the principal
tactics covert-aggressive personalities use to ensure they get their way and maintain a position of
power over their victims:
Denial This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or
hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well as to others) about their
aggressive intentions. This "Who... Me?" tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the
victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior.
It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on doing what they
want to do. This denial is not the same kind of denial that a person who has just lost a loved one
and can't quite bear to accept the pain and reality of the loss engages in. That type of denial really
is mostly a "defense" against unbearable hurt and anxiety. Rather, this type of denial is not
primarily a "defense" but a maneuver the aggressor uses to get others to back off, back down or
maybe even feel guilty themselves for insinuating he's doing something wrong.
In the story of James the minister, James' denial of his ruthless ambition is massive. He denied he
was hurting and neglecting his family. He especially denied he was aggressively pursuing any
personal agenda. On the contrary, he cast himself as the humble servant to a honorable cause. He
managed to convince several people (and maybe even himself) of the nobility and purity of his
intentions. But underneath it all, James knew he was being dishonest: This fact is borne out in his
reaction to the threat of not getting a seat on the Elders' Council if his marital problems worsened.
When James learned he might not get what he was so aggressively pursuing after all, he had an
interesting "conversion" experience. All of a sudden, he decided he could put aside the Lord's
bidding for a weekend and he might really need to devote more time to his marriage and family.
James' eyes weren't opened by the pastor's words. He always kept his awareness high about what
might hinder or advance his cause. He knew if he didn't tend to his marriage he might lose what
he really wanted. So, he chose (at least temporarily) to alter course.
In the story of Joe and Mary, Mary confronted Joe several times about what she felt was
insensitivity and ruthlessness on his part in his treatment of Lisa. Joe denied his aggressiveness.
He also successfully convinced Mary that what she felt in her gut was his aggressiveness was
really conscientiousness, loyalty, and passionate fatherly concern. Joe wanted a daughter who got
all A's. Mary stood in the way. Joe's denial was the tactic he used to remove Mary as an obstacle
to what he wanted.
Selective Inattention This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for denial It's when the
aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging in this tactic, the aggressor actively
ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to
everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the
aggressor knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't want to
hear it!" behavior. By using this tactic, the aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the
tasks of paying attention to or refraining from the behavior you want him to change. In the story
of Jenny and Amanda, Jenny tried to tell Amanda she was losing privileges because she was
behaving irresponsibly. But Amanda wouldn't listen. Her teachers tried to tell her what she needed
to do to improve her grade: but she didn't listen to them either. Actively listening to and heeding
the suggestions of someone else are, among other things, acts of submission. And, as you may
remember from the story, Amanda is not a girl who submits easily. Determined to let nothing
stand in her way and convinced she could eventually "win" most of her power struggles with
authority figures through manipulation, Amanda closed her ears. She didn't see any need to
listen. From her point of view, she would only have lost some power and control if she submitted
herself to the guidance and direction offered by those whom she views as less powerful, clever
and capable as herself.
Rationalization A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer for engaging in an
inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or
justification the aggressor offers makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious
person is likely to fall for it. It's a powerful tactic because it not only serves to remove any internal
resistance the aggressor might have about doing what he wants to do (quieting any qualms of
conscience he might have) but also to keep others off his back. If the aggressor can convince you
he's justified in whatever he's doing, then he's freer to pursue his goals without interference.
In the story of little Lisa, Mary felt uneasy about the relentlessness with which Joe pursued his
quest to make his daughter an obedient, all-A student once again. And, she was aware of Lisa's
expressed desire to pursue counseling as a means of addressing and perhaps solving some of her
problems. Although Mary felt uneasy about Joe's forcefulness and sensed the impact on her
daughter, she allowed herself to become persuaded by his rationalizations that any concerned
parent ought to know his daughter better than some relatively dispassionate outsider and that he
was only doing his duty by doing as much as he possibly could to "help" his "little girl." When a
manipulator really wants to make headway with their rationalizations they'll be sure their excuses
are combined with other effective tactics. For example, when Joe was "selling" Mary on the
justification for shoving his agenda down everyone's throat he was also sending out subtle
invitations for her to feel ashamed (shaming her for not being as "concerned" a parent as he was)
as well as making her feel guilty (guilt-tripping her) for not being as conscientious as he was
pretending to be.
Diversion A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a manipulator down or try to keep
a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we don't like, he's expert at knowing how to
change the subject, dodge the issue or in some way throw us a curve. Manipulators use
distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and
keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas.
Rather than respond directly to the issue being addressed, Amanda diverted attention to her
teacher's and classmates' treatment of her. Jenny allowed Amanda to steer her off track. She
never got a straight answer to the question.
Another example of a diversion tactic can be found in the story of Don and Al. Al changed the
subject when Don asked him if he had any plans to replace him. He focused on whether he was
unhappy or not with Don's sales performance as if that's what Don had asked him about in the
first place. He never gave Don a straight answer to a straight question (manipulators are
notorious for this). He told him what he thought would make Don feel less anxious and would
steer him away from pursuing the matter any further. Al left feeling like he'd gotten an answer but
all he really got was the "runaround."
Early in the current school year, I found it necessary to address my son's irresponsibility about
doing his homework by making a rule that he bring his books home every night. One time I
asked: "Did you bring your books home today?" His response was: "Guess what, Dad. Instead of
tomorrow, we're not going to have our test until Friday." My question was simple and direct. His
answer was deliberately evasive and diversionary. He knew that if he answered the question
directly and honestly, he would have received a consequence for failing to bring his books home.
By using diversion (and also offering a rationalization) he was already fighting with me to avoid
that consequence. Whenever someone is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely
assume that for some reason, they're trying to give you the slip.
Lying It's often hard to tell when a person is lying at the time he's doing it. Fortunately, there
are times when the truth will out because circumstances don't bear out somebody's story. But
there are also times when you don't know you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to
minimize the chances that someone will put one over on you is to remember that because
aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can
expect them to lie and cheat. Another thing to remember is that manipulators covert-aggressive
personalities that they are are prone to lie in subtle, covert ways. Courts are well aware of the
many ways that people lie, as they require that court oaths charge that testifiers tell "the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant
amount of the truth from you or by distorting the truth. They are adept at being vague when you
ask them direct questions. This is an especially slick way of lying' omission. Keep this in mind
when dealing with a suspected wolf in sheep's clothing. Always seek and obtain specific,
confirmable information.
Covert Intimidation Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious,
apprehensive and in a one-down position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making
veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats. Guilt-tripping and shaming are two of the covertaggressive's favourite weapons. Both are special intimidation tactics.
Guilt-tripping One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons
have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they
know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a selfdoubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more
effective guilt is as a weapon. Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently
and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in
character they are compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to
do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and
that person immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until
they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality) to feel badly
about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.
Shaming This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing
fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or
unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of
personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of
dominance.
When Joe loudly proclaimed any "good" parent would do just as he was doing to help Lisa, he
subtly implied Mary would be a "bad" parent if she didn't attempt to do the same. He "invited" her
to feel ashamed of herself. The tactic was effective. Mary eventually felt ashamed for taking a
position that made it appear she didn't care enough about her own daughter. Even more doubtful
of her worth as a person and a parent, Mary deferred to Joe, thus enabling him to rein a position
of dominance over her. Covert-aggressives are expert at using shaming tactics in the most subtle
ways. Sometimes it can just be in the glances they give or the tone of voice they use. Using
rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm and other techniques, they can invite you to feel ashamed of
yourself for even daring to challenge them. Joe tried to shame Mary when I considered accepting
the educational assessment performed by Lisa's school. He said something like: "I'm not sure
what kind of doctor you are or just what kind of credentials you have, but I'm sure you'd agree
that a youngster's grades wouldn't slip as much as Lisa's for no reason. You couldn't be entirely
certain she didn't have a learning disability unless you did some testing, could you?' With those
words, he "invited" Mary to feel ashamed of herself for not at least considering doing just as he
asked. If Mary didn't have a suspicion about what he was up to, she might have accepted this
invitation without a second thought.
Playing the Victim Role This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of
circumstances or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and
thereby get something from another. One thing that covert-aggressive personalities count on is
the fact that less calloused and less hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone
suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and
they'll try to relieve your distress.
In the story of Amanda and Jenny, Amanda was good at playing the victim role too. She had her
mother believing that she (Amanda) was the victim of extremely unfair treatment and the target
of unwarranted hostility. I remember Jenny telling me: "Sometimes I think Amanda's wrong when
she says her teacher hates her and I hate her. But what if that's what she really believes? Can I
afford to be so firm with her if she believes in her heart that I hate her?" I remember telling
Jenny: "Whether Amanda has come to believe her own distortions is almost irrelevant. She
manipulates you because you believe that she believes it and allow that supposed belief to serve
as an excuse for her undisciplined aggression."
Vilifying the Victim This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with the tactic of playing the
victim role. The aggressor uses this tactic to make it appear he is only responding (i.e. defending
himself against) aggression on the part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the
victim on the defensive.
Returning again to the story of Jenny and Amanda, when Amanda accuses her mother of "hating"
her and "always saying mean things" to her, she not only invites Jenny to feel the "bully," but
simultaneously succeeds in "bullying" Jenny into backing off. More than any other, the tactic of
vilifying the victim is a powerful means of putting someone unconsciously on the defensive while
simultaneously masking the aggressive intent and behavior of the person using the tactic.
Playing the Servant Role Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas
in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It's a common tactic but difficult to recognize. By
pretending to be working hard on someone else's behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their own
ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others. In the story of
James (the minister) and Sean, James appeared to many to be the tireless servant. He attended
more activities than he needed to attend and did so eagerly. But if devoted service to those who
needed him was his aim, how does one explain the degree to which James habitually neglected his
family? As an aggressive personality, James submits himself to no one. The only master he serves
is his own ambition. Not only was playing the servant role an effective tactic for James, but also
it's the cornerstone upon which corrupt ministerial empires of all types are built. A good example
comes to mind in the recent true story of a well-known tele-evangelist who locked himself up in a
room in a purported display of "obedience" and "service" to God. He even portrayed himself' a
willing sacrificial lamb who was prepared to be "taken by God" if he didn't do the Almighty's
bidding and raise eight million dollars. He claimed he was a humble servant, merely heeding the
Lord's will. He was really fighting to save his substantial material empire.
Another recent scandal involving a tele-evangelist resulted in his church's governance body
censuring him for one year. But he told his congregation he couldn't stop his ministry because he
had to be faithful to the Lord's will (God supposedly talked to him and told him not to quit). This
minister was clearly being defiant of his church's established authority. Yet, he presented himself
as a person being humbly submissive to the "highest" authority. One hallmark characteristic of
covert-aggressive personalities is loudly professing subservience while fighting for dominance.
Seduction Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly
supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and
loyalty. Covert-aggressives are also particularly aware that people who are to some extent
emotionally needy and dependent (and that includes most people who aren't characterdisordered) want approval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than
anything. Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket to incredible
power over others. Shady "gurus" like Jim Jones and David Koresh seemed to have refined this
tactic to an art. In the story of Al and Don, Al is the consummate seducer. He melts any resistance
you might have to giving him your loyalty and confidence. He does this by giving you what he
knows you need most. He knows you want to feel valued and important. So, he often tells you
that you are. You don't find out how unimportant you really are to him until you turn out to be in
his way.
Projecting the blame (blaming others) Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way
to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior. Covert-aggressives are not only skilled at finding
scapegoats, they're expert at doing so in subtle, hard to detect ways.
Minimization This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with rationalization. When using this
maneuver, the aggressor is attempting to assert that his abusive behavior isn't really as harmful
or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill
out of a mountain.
I've presented the principal tactics that covert-aggressives use to manipulate and control others.
They are not always easy to recognize. Although all aggressive personalities tend to use these
tactics, covert-aggressives generally use them slickly, subtly and adeptly. Anyone dealing with a
covertly aggressive person will need to heighten gut-level sensitivity to the use of these tactics if
they're to avoid being taken in by them.
http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Raging.html
Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression

Definition
Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a
dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their personal
boundaries.
Off the Charts
Rage and Impulsive Aggression are different from anger. Anger is a feeling. Rage and impulsive
aggression are actions or behaviors. Rages are also unprovoked however, in most cases a person who
commits an act of rage will find an excuse which puts the blame for their behavior on others - usually
the victim.
While some rages are brief, lasting from a few seconds to a few minutes, others can last for hours.
However, it is not the duration but the intensity which makes a lasting impact on the victims and the
relationship. In some case, fits of rage are bridged together by longer, passive-aggressive spells of
contempt or silent treatment.
Rages occur most often in private settings such as the home, where there are no witnesses other than
the victim, and are also more likely to occur after dark.
What it Looks Like
Two people are involved in a heated argument and one person suddenly reaches out and strikes
the other.
One person is sleeping and the other wakes them up to begin arguing.
During a heated discussion one party takes a glass object and smashes it.
A person deliberately destroys an item belonging to another family member while they are out
of the house.
One person unexpectedly begins to berate the character of another who is silent.
How it Feels
When a person with a Personality Disorder whom you have known for a long time suddenly goes into
an aggressive rage you may feel that sickening Here we go again feeling. You may find yourself
quickly scanning your recollections of what happened the last time you went through this. Chances are
you will know that these rages are temporary things and often blow over after a few hours or a few
days, but you may still feel an intense sense of fear, anxiety or perhaps even your own, milder anger
that the productive day at work, recreational activity or pleasant evening you had planned will now be
interrupted, disrupted and invaded by someone elses emotional tsunami.
All of it will make you feel trapped and powerless, as you face the damned if you do and damned if
you dont scenario and realize you have to choose the lesser of two evils - stay and fight or leave and
fight.
If you stay - you know you are in for a rough ride. It may take hours. You may not get to sleep. As you
witness the most outrageous affronts on your dignity, you will have to listen to the same well-worn
record of reasons why this persons behaviors are justified, whats wrong with you, why if you just
were more of this and less of that, this person would be able to stop abusing you. Staying during a rage
is pure hell.
If you leave - you will keep more of you dignity but you need to have real nerve as you walk out the
door. You know youre going to hear something awful on the way out - maybe you will be called the
most horrible names, maybe you will hear the smash of glass or the sound of a slanderous 911 call
being placed. And once youre out - where will you go? You may be all alone with nowhere to go and
nothing to do but sit and fret about what will happen when you return. Leaving during a rage is pure
hell.
How to Cope with Violence, Raging & Impulsive Aggression
When confronted by rage - you are faced with two unattractive choices - fight or flight. It is a time to
choose the lesser of two evils. In the short run they are about equal in pain but in the long run, leaving
during a rage is better for the following reasons:
1. Leaving during a rage makes it impossible for you to do something stupid yourself (such as
retaliate);
2. Leaving during a rage makes it impossible for anything worse to happen directly to you
(although the PD person my still try to hurt you by making slanderous phone calls, destroying a
favorite possession, emptying your bank account, etc.);
3. Leaving during a rage sends a clear This is not OK message. It wont be appreciated at the
time but it will not be forgotten quickly either;
4. Leaving during a rage helps to remind you that YOU are in control - not the person with the
Personality Disorder;
5. Leaving during a rage gives you an opportunity to talk to a supportive friend to help you calm
down.
We strongly urge you to have a plan of what you will do and where you will go the next time a rage
hits. This will make it emotionally easier to make a gracious exit the next time you are confronted with
a rage or impulsive aggression. If you have a friend or family member you can pre-arrange with that
its OK to show up at a moments notice and spend the night that is ideal.
If not, maybe you can find a local low-cost hotel where you can show up at a moments notice and get a
safe room for the night.
Perhaps you want to have a ready-kit which has your credit cards, essential medications, and important
documents already packed so you dont need to linger when you need to get out in a hurry.
If at all possible, pre-arrange with a friend whom you can call (even during the night) just to talk to if
you find yourself in a situation like this. Just having someone on the end of the line who doesnt judge
you for the way you feel or say unhelpful things like, But X really does love you, is an enormous
relief. If you have pre-arranged earlier you wont feel so stupid calling them or showing up at the door
at 2 in the morning - so talk to them now.
What NOT to do
Dont remain in the same room with a person who is raging. Remove yourself from the situation
as quickly as you safely can.
Dont try to handle it on your own. Call the police or get a third party involved.
Dont try to reason with someone who is raging. When you are confronted with aggressive
behavior there can be a temptation to stand your ground, explain your position and argue for
what you feel is right. A person who is raging is not thinking rationally and is unlikely to see
reason.
Dont fight fire with fire and reciprocate the aggressive behavior. You will regret it and still be
apologizing for it years later if you do.
Dont ignore it, steel yourself and tell yourself that you can handle it and that it does not affect
you. Unless you are a robot your feelings are going to be hurt and your behavior is going to
change far beyond the moment of rage, whether you admit it or not. The reality is that when
your boundaries are being crossed you are being hurt. Ignoring it greatly increases the
likelihood that the situation will repeat itself.
Dont hide it from others. Most long-term cases of abuse stay that way because the victim stays
silent.
Self-Aggrandizement
http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/SelfAggrandizement.html
Definition:
Self-Aggrandizement - A pattern of pompous behavior, boasting, narcissism or competitiveness
designed to create an appearance of superiority.
Toxic Delusions of Grandeur
Self-aggrandizement is a colloquial term which broadly describes Narcissism, the most defining trait of
people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It differs from general boasting, which most of us
indulge in now and then, in that it can often manifest in aggressive, ruthless or manipulative patterns of
relating.
Being able to form teams of some kind, and build lasting committed relationships, is one of the
behaviors which distinguishes intelligent beings from sea cucumbers and other lower life-forms. To do
that, a human (or swan, or dolphin, or elephant) has to regularly choose between their instinctive lowerbrain kill or be killed impulse and the more reasoned what is the long-term risk and reward of this
course of action thought process.
Some psychologists believe that Narcissists are people whose emotional centers have fewer
connections to the higher reasoning parts of the brain located in the frontal cortex - so they lack that
filter most of us use to keep our basic instincts in check.
Despite their facade, self-aggrandizers often suffer from low self-esteem themselves. They live in a
dog-eat-dog world of fear where being anything less than being number one is regarded as failure a
world where nobody can be trusted.
What it Looks Like
A person engages in false accusations, smear campaigns, distortion campaigns, character
assassination attempts and malicious gossip.
An employee habitually gravitates to or assumes positions of power, authority or leadership
while disregarding the existence of more qualified individuals.
A friend amplifies their own image, or behaves in a pompous, arrogant manner.
A team member tenaciously avoids playing anonymous roles or engaging in thankless tasks.
A family member frequently speaks out inappropriately, drawing attention to themselves.
A parent inappropriately puts their own needs or interests above the needs of their children.
How it Feels: Being in a relationship with a self-aggrandizer can feel a little like being on a fast
moving freight train. You cant steer because someone else is driving it and youre left to choose
between a ride to somewhere you dont want to go to or jumping off while the train is still in motion
and potentially getting hurt.
There are two ways you can be a victim in this kind of relationship:
1. You may be the direct victim. Your needs and goals may get put down or stomped upon by the
other person to make them look or feel better. You may feel anger, despair or resentment as you
see your money getting squandered, your reputation being torn, your time being wasted and
your optimism evaporating.
2. You may be guilty by association with the perpetrator. Other people who get hurt by them may
partially blame you for enabling and supporting them. You may feel under pressure to take
sides. You may feel a sense of shame or humiliation as you wonder what must he/she think of
me? and struggle to find ways to non-verbally convey to the rest of the world Im really not
like that!
Most people on the outside of such a relationship stand far enough back that they can see who is
driving the freight train and who is being taken along for the ride. Although they may not blame you,
its rare that outsiders will try to step in and help you, because few people want to get run over
themselves. The safest thing for outsiders to do is keep their distance and watch the freight train
speeding by, wondering how long before that thing turns into a train wreck?
How to Cope
Whether you are in a relationship with a self-aggrandizer or dealing with one in a business context, you
are already in a conflict zone, where there is only one winner allowed and ideas like trust, loyalty and
faith are secondary. You will need to have your wits about you. You may need to be willing to cut some
losses to get out of the conflict zone.
What NOT to do
Dont feel sorry for a self-aggrandizer. They often use guilt as a diversion from their own
behavior and as a means of getting public support.
Dont listen to promises from a self-aggrandizer or believe every word they say. Trust is built on
track records.
Dont become a false prophet. Self-aggrandizers love to recruit and deceive unwitting
bystanders to sing their praises.
Dont stand in front of a freight train unless you want to get hit. Its easier to derail a train than
to stop it cold.
Dont become intoxicated by the thrill of being taken on board by a self-aggrandizer. Eventually
they will not want to share their glory with you.
What TO do
Figure out who your real friends are and be loyal to them. Self-aggrandizers often use a divide
and conquer technique to gain control over people.
Get off the freight train if you can, as quietly and uneventfully as possible. You may feel
attracted and intoxicated by the thrill of riding the fast lane, climbing the social ladder, shooting
to the top but its better to go through life at your own pace safely than to hurtle towards
disaster.
Remember that what goes up must come down. As people climb social and corporate ladders
theres less and less room at the top and more and more competition for it. Thats a guaranteed
recipe for future conflict.
Remove yourself and any children from any situation which you are physically or emotionally
threatened.
Make sure your needs are being met. Establish a list of bottom line needs that you have and
boundaries that must not be crossed. Write them down. It can be so very difficult to remember
them in the heat of the moment.
Handle minor disagreements with a self-aggrandizer as unemotionally and briefly as you can. It
is usually more helpful to let them think they have won than to stand your ground on minor
disagreements.
Find your own support network, a group of people who understand what you are living with and
know the real you.
Seek out healthy, validating environments for yourself, away from the influence and control of a
self-aggrandizer.
See a therapist who can explain Narcissism, and can help you build your own self-esteem and develop techniques
for dealing with it.
http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/54265-narcissistic-mother-will-she-ever-stop-trying-to-hurt-me/
Narcissistic mother, will she ever stop

trying to hurt me?
Started by Birdee , Dec 27 2011 05:34 AM
Birdee Posted 27 December 2011 - 05:34 AM Over a year ago, I finally chose "no contact"
with this vicious woman. It was way overdue. In a way, I've grieved her loss well the loss of
hoping she'd ever be a REAL mom. But in a way it's been freeing. I'm not subject to her
particular brand of crazy anymore. Or so I thought.
I am done with her but apparently she's not done with me yet. And by "done" I mean she's not
done belittling and slandering me to anyone and everyone who will listen to her.
Over the holidays one of my cousins caught my ear and proceeded to regurgitate nasty,
derogatory rumors about me that were started by my mother. They are flying all over the
entire extended family grape vine. Seriously?
She's been this way my whole life. I've long since wearied of reacting to, justifying or
defending myself against her cruel remarks. So I just try to shrug them off as her undiagnosed
mental illness. And while I wish I could say that I've become numb or immune to her venom. I
haven't not completely. It still stings.
I doubt she will ever stop being a mean, nasty gossip. She's the kind of person who says
something bad about everyone behind their back. But her own daughter? Really? It shouldn't
surprise me anymore. But it still does. I try my best not to play her game and not retaliate by
dishing out a heaping portion of verbal spew against her. I mean, why give her just cause to
play the justified victim? But she sure doesn't make it easy.
Will she EVER stop?
Phoenix_Rising Posted 27 December 2011 - 11:33 AM I'm sorry...I know how hurtful a
parent with NPD can be. Unfortunately, she won't stop being so hateful. She will probably talk
about you much less as time goes by, but for now this is her only way to spread her poison to
you. My advice is that when your other family starts to tell you what she has said, politely stop
them and say you're not interested. If they continue to try to tell you, explain that it is very
hurtful to you to hear these things.
Bpladybug Posted 27 December 2011 - 01:04 PM No Birdee, I am so sorry. I certainly
understand your pain and suffering. They never change. My mother in law is awful, just
horrid. She is living in Assisted Living and has a legtimate diagnosis for NPD. A diagnosis
from two therapists. She was fired by 3, three!! different doctors. Now her HMO, where she is
a Medicaid patient, sends out a therapist every other week just to monitor her behavior so she
will not be kicked out of the Assisted Living home.
She threw a fit last spring and we were called to the manager's office at the Assisted Living to
listen to their complaints about her and promise she would
try to do better. It was like being called to the principal's office. I had to take an emergency
hour off work.
And my friend is away this week trying to help her NPD mother, who is vicious, VICIOUS, and
now diagnosed with dementia. Totally non cooperative in making
arrangements for her future. My friend will probably have to take her mother to court to be
declared incompetent. This woman is still mean at 80.
I hope some of these links work. They have NO incentive to change because of their total lack
of empathy. Remember, she has no empathy.
I don't think of it as a mental illness, it is a disorder. Her brain is not normal. With mental
illness we can seek treatment and have improvement.
With NPD there is no desire to change because they do not have the ability to care for other.
They are really just a step or two away from sociopath.
This post might piss someone off but I have a lot of experience with NPD in personal and
professional life - and I have read a lot about it and spent
HOURS in therapy discussing them. No Empathy. Even dogs and cats have sympathy if you
are sick or injured. But NOT the NPD mother.
http://narcissisticp...tic-parent.html http://www.daughters...ticmothers.com/
http://narcissists-
s...sists-suck.html
Birdee Posted 27 December 2011 - 03:28 PM Thanks for your responses. Like anything else, I
dunno if anyone can fully understand a situation like this unless they've lived it or been close
to someone who's lived it. To know about it, read about it, hear about it is one thing. But to
live it is another thing altogether.
I can't imagine ever intentionally trying to hurt my own kids. Most people probably feel the
same. But this kind of mother thrives on it. Inflicting pain, by words, verbal tone, a
disapproving look is only one of the ways they use to control you. It's all a game of
manipulation. It's like they HAVE TO try to make others look bad so they can feel better about
themselves. In school they are known as the "mean girls". In a mother/daughter situation it
gets kinda complicated and messy. You can walk away from a "mean girl" and never look back.
It's much harder to do with a parent. You want to believe they love you. They tell you they love
you. They are supposed to love you. But in actuality, they don't love the way you and I do. If
they even have the capacity to love at all.
My own mother has told me how she never wanted me. How close she came to putting me up
for adoption Like I'm supposed to be beholding to her that she didn't? I wish she had. She
also told me about the time she contemplated killing me, MURDERING ME, my siblings and
herself. Seriously who tells their child these things? That's just messed up! No wonder I
ended up half crazy myself!
Phoenix: You nailed it! "My advice is that when your other family starts to tell you what she
has said, politely stop them and say you're not interested. If they continue to try to tell you,
explain that it is very hurtful to you to hear these things." That's pretty much what I have
already decided to do.
bplady: Pretty sad that they treat us as the enemy when all we really want is to love and be
loved in return huh? At one point I got manipulated/guilted into letting her move in with us.
What was I thinking??? She acted like a guest in our home expecting me to wait on her hand
and foot. All the while complaining about pretty much EVERYTHING. The original plan was
that she'd only stay with us until we built an apartment on our property for her to live in. I
already knew (and told her) I could NOT share a home with her long term. Big mistake.
HUGE! Life laughed in our face and let a storm wreak havoc on our home putting off
building her apartment while we repaired the house. I did what I had to and found her a cute,
clean, spacious, affordable apartment only 3 miles away from us. Naturally, that made me the
bad guy again. She was PISSED, indignant, played the martyr and refused the apartment.
She wanted and expected to be able to stay with us indefinitely. She pretty much was just
nasty to us to the point we told her to leave. She opted to go back to the deplorable conditions
she lived in before/her old home rather than to take the apartment. What a blizzard of gossip
that created! All I wanted to do was to help her without losing my sanity. But it wasn't good
enough. It will never be good enough. sigh
Thanks for the links too. I've been to the first 2 links before (googled about NPD) but haven't
seen the last one which is awesome from what I've seen so far.
Hallowedink Posted 27 December 2011 - 04:00 PM I'm sorry you're going through this.
I also know what it's like to have a narcissistic parent - and I haven't escaped my Dad yet. I
think one of the things that's the hardest is managing to let go of the hurt/regret/whatever at
your parent not having been a proper parent. I still wish that my Dad would turn around and
apologise, or even just acknowledge how hard I've worked, despite the fact that a decade of
experience tells me that he won't do that.
I don't know what to say beyond that. I understand, sort of? I think the others made good
suggestions, and there's nothing really that I can add except that cutting ties is probably the
best way forward. She isn't going to stop hurting you, so you need to do what you have to do to
protect yourself from that hurt.
Crtclms Posted 28 December 2011 - 05:48 AM Quote My own mother has told me how she
never wanted me. How close she came to putting me up for adoption Like I'm supposed to
be beholding to her that she didn't?
My mother has told me several times that she could have aborted me, and strongly considered
it. She first said this to me when I was between the ages of 7 and 9, I can't remember exactly
when, but I do remember the scene, which was in a house we moved out of when I was 9.
I remember thinking even at that age she must not realize how hurtful it was to hear that, but
of course she did know. I knew the implicit message was "You are lucky to be alive, and it is all
because of me." But I couldn't understand why nothing I did ever "made up" for that. And that
was how I thought of it, that I had to be extra good, because she had sacrificed graduate school
for me.
Birdee Posted28 December 2011 - 03:56 PM the implicit message was "You are lucky to be
alive, and it is all because of me." But I couldn't understand why nothing I did ever "made up"
for that. And that was how I thought of it, that I had to be extra good, because she had
sacrificed graduate school for me.
crtclms: I understand what you're saying completely! Who tells their kid this shit? And I hate
to point out the obvious but your mom did NOT have to sacrifice graduate school for you.
She chose to. How do I know this? Cuz I went to AND completed college with ALL of my kids
in tow! SOME "MOTHERS" - SHEESH!
Ya know, by law ya hafta pass a test to become a licensed driver but they'll let any ole asshat
become a parent!
ps how do you do that quote thing? Edited by Birdee, 28 December 2011 - 03:57 PM.
Indigo 'n dye Posted 29 December 2011 - 03:42 PM 'bpladybug', on 27 Dec 2011 - 11:04 PM,
said:
I don't think of it as a mental illness, it is a disorder. Her brain is not normal.With
mental illness we can seek treatment and have improvement. With NPD there is no
desire to change because they do not have the ability to care for other. They are
really just a step or two away from sociopath.
This post might piss someone off but I have a lot of experience with NPD in
personal and professional life - and I have read a lot about it and spent HOURS in
therapy discussing them. No empathy. Even dogs and cats have sympathy if you are
sick or injured. But NOT the NPD mother.
So, please define and explain the difference between MI and the disorder of NPD. There is
more and more evidence that those of us who are diagnosed as MDD have less than normal
brains, so is my MDD therefore a disorder? It is interesting that you can find it in your kind
heart to tell everyone, seemingly, who has a personality disorder that we are just a step or two
away from being a sociopath and those members of CB who may have been diagnosed as some
variety or another of NPD are now told that change is simply out of the questions, as we have
no ability to care for others...and there it is again: sociopath.
You, LB, have taken it upon yourself recently to tell a member that they just needed to stop
the psychodrama, JUST STOP, now you are condemning other members to the role of
sociopath. I do not care how much time you have devoted to studying personality disorders
nor do I care that you deal with sociopathic NPD's in your life, you need to pull your fangs
back in, step back a few paces and serious consider not allowing your personal prejudices and
your personal dislikes from painting others as worthless members of society.
Yes, I know that TG's mother has made your life miserable, but it is not OK to condemn others
here on CB for what you judge as your mother-in-laws shortcomings.
I am willing to be that many of the members of CB with BPD are trying just as hard as anyone
else to move beyond the focus of their MI, or as you prefer, their disorder, and to be
productive members of society.
I know how difficult it is to be a child of a narcissist, but damn can we kinda set the wholesale
condemnation aside and exert an once or so of human kindness to EVERYONE with MI? or
must that be conserved for those diagnosed with bipolar?
No, you did not piss me off, but you did disappoint me.
Gonenative Posted 01 March 2012 - 05:25 PM 'crtclms', on 28 Dec 2011 - 3:48 PM, said:
Quote
My own mother has told me how she never wanted me. How close she came to
putting me up for adoption Like I'm supposed to be beholding to her that she
didn't?
My mother has told me several times that she could have aborted me, and strongly
considered it. She first said this to me when I was between the ages of 7 and 9, I
can't remember exactly when, but I do remember the scene, which was in a house
we moved out of when I was 9.
I remember thinking even at that age she must not realize how hurtful it was to
hear that, but of course she did know. I knew the implicit message was "You are
lucky to be alive, and it is all because of me."
thank you so much for saying!!! I had the same things said to me and I did not understand
until now how she say this as anything but damaging to me, but you brought some perspective
to it. I do really think she thought she was propping herself up as martyr of my existance.
I don't think she will ever change, but I think she went so long w/out anyone standing up to
her that she learned for years that she was by default "right". I think she was capable of
change, but she has chose to stay with what she knows.
Birdee, I am sorry you had to experience such a terrible form of a mother. Her ugliness is her
disease talking and not anything a young child is deserving. These days I am always triggered
by her meanness but relieved too, because when we have an out between us, she usually sends
an ugly letter and then leaves me alone for a few months and oh do I love those months.
Edited by gonenative, 01 March 2012 - 05:40 PM.

Gonenative Posted 01 March 2012 - 05:55 PM I apologize for my additional post, I wanted to
add this too
I wonder what is feels like to be a NPD mom. My mom as an example has no close positive
lasting relationships. She gains new friends easily but will ultimately destroy them with huge
inapropriate anger. I feel she must be miserable for all the anger and hate she wields. I've
talked about this with my last tdoc and my sister and they seemed to disagree with me. My
tdoc says she does not have an "I'm a bad person" script, as I do. Is it that she feels no negative
emotions?? I have a hard time understanding this.
Reddog Posted 02 March 2012 - 02:17 AM My grandma is like this. She doesn't have the "I'm
a bad person" script, but I she is bitter, resentful, envious and full of anger, all of which are
unpleasant emotions. So I do agree that your mom is indeed miserable, but not because she
thinks she's a bad person. My grandma feels the world 'owes' her something that she's never
received...that she is the good person who is owed something.
Fromsmurf Posted 12 March 2012 - 02:30 PM you are right about it being one step away from
sociopath- 'M' took that step. I can't talk about it here or now. It's just too disturbing. Please
visit the ptsd private thread as I can't make mention of it here. (I'll try to post something there
later on).
Xxyercutexx Posted 07 May 2012 - 12:24 AM my grandmother on my mom side is exactly like
that. she and my mom do not speak and she is constantly playing the victim and talking about
people. now that I am older I am seeing how insane my grandma is, she has turned against me
too. we are currently not speaking and I know she is talking about me too. I even made an
attempt to be mature and just apologize but she holds grudges and won't forgive her own
granddaughter! it really hurts. I don't know what else to do but wait, my mom always said "it's
like walking on egg shells with her." and she is right.
stay strong.
Joachim Posted 17 May 2012 - 03:16 PM It's taken almost 50 years and my doc to realize what
has been wrong with my mother (she had me convinced there was something horribly wrong
with me)
so I've read a lot about it, even though I had to go "no contact" several years ago
they are very insecure...I think of "the mother" as a tiny little person in a big concrete box with
very thick walls...supposedly narcissists breed narcissists which really worries me, but that
would mean my beloved grandmother was dysfunctional...and I can see that she did have a
tendancy to smother (and I read that is usually low self-esteem, and there's lot's of reason for
that too)
so, yes I banged my head against the brick wall for years, and she kept slipping that knife
between my ribs, and no matter what, that tape runs in my head and the voice is hers...but
looking back and trying to see where all this came from...somehow helps me
we're dealing with generations of crap on top of/or in addition to our brain circuitry...we have
a lot more knowledge and resources now, so hopefully we'll break the pattern
...stephanie AirMarshall Posted 18 May 2012 - 10:26 AM oachim', on 18 May 2012 - 01:16
AM, said:
...supposedly narcissists breed narcissists which really worries me, but that would
mean my beloved grandmother was dysfunctional...and I can see that she did have
a tendancy to smother (and I read that is usually low self-esteem, and there's lot's
of reason for that too)
Don't worry, you mother can't 'turn you into a narcissist'. The fact that you have enough
insight and empathy to be concerned is almost proof enough you aren't one
Joachim Posted 18 May 2012 - 08:44 PM thank you AirMarshal,
I think any insight comes just from searching for years...
here's a really icky part
anyone ever hear that thing about using relationships to try to resolve conflict with original
caretaker?
well, it proved completely true in my case, but I was too stupid to see it except in
retrospect....as I look back, he was a narcissist too, maybe not the full-blown disorder but
some pretty pronounced traits...I was devastated when he kicked me to the curb because I "got
too close" (hey, I was trained to read minds)
...but I guess I did make some progress in being able to say "no more" to her, to throw away
letters, cards, gave an unopened gift sent to my friend...can't even read email...amazing how
that tone can come across even in email!
I just ache for for anyone dealing with this, know that it can be done...not necessarily
painlessly though...I read there's not much hope of treating them...the mother has never given
1 second's consideration to the possibility there could be any fault on her side...if they can't see
it, they aren't very well going to accept any kind of treatment
we've already stood on our heads and beat ourselves senseless and as mentioned above "it's
never enough"
and never will be hope everyone can get this a lot faster than I did...learn to mother yourself!
...stephanie
Mrs. Brady Posted 18 May 2012 - 09:05 PM Sorry, no good news here. It's now been nearly 8
years since I had to go no contact with my mother. The woman is just evil. I can't imagine we
will reunite in her lifetime as she's just too ill ( and untreated and in denial) for me to be
around or for me to expose my kids to.
But I do know what you mean about grieving the mother she will never be... I'm in my 40's
and all my friends have their mums in their lives and I wish it could be the same for me.. But it
simply never will.
It's been this way my entire life..I always used to "adopt" my friends families when I was a kid
because I just wanted it so bad... But when I had kids of my own I finally realized that if I
wanted family I was going to have to build it from scratch. So it's me, hubby, our kids and the
small "urban family" we have gathered over the years.
I hope you can find peace, or at least acceptance in this.. It's a sucky thing.
Lizette Posted 09 October 2012 - 03:22 AM I know exactly how you feel, your story sounds
like my life. My Mother has NPD (undiagnosed) She has been bad mouthing me since I was a
child in school. Our family and people she knows thinks nothing of me, I am 38 and by now,
my brother (golden child) and sister (golden child) believe that I am the problem, my enabling
Father is her puppet on a string. I am alone and I live with the damage that she has done every
day of my life. I don't ....no CANT even visit them, I hate being there or even thinking about
going there because of all the gossip, every time someone walks into the house I am left
wondering what this person thinks of me, I have had the stare me downs from complete
strangers many times (the bad daughter is here, O so this is her?????) My Mother ( I don't
really want to refer to her as my Mother, she is nothing of the kind, but for the record I will)
constantly tries to hurt me as well, it will never stop, she feeds of it, it is like food to a N
She has completely destroyed my career, I am left with a cv that means nothing, she has
destroyed me financialy a couple of times in my life, she never get's exposed for who she is,
she lies and denies everything she did to me and everyone believes her and she is the victim.
I have had black on white proof of things she has done to me (voice loggings, people that told
me things she did) even that did not work, she still denies it and my family does not believe
me. They think I am crazy (Mommy dearest worked on that one for 38 years and succeeded to
convince people of that) I am not flawed and I do not need fixing, I was abused emotionally all
my life and I simply needed healing. She has kicked me when I was down so many times in my
life. I got fired twice in my life from my job because of her and then she tells people that I have
problems everywhere I work. She is a huge Christian and likes to deny things by saying "I
swear to God I did not do this or that?" that was directly after I played the voice logging to her
with her voice on it?????? and a grin on her face.
I have given up on confronting her, it blows up in my face every time, I am then left to deal
with the hurt of what ever she has done this time as well as being blamed by everyone she can
find to manipulate for being mean to Mommy dearest. I just work through the pain and
pretend that everything is fine, it works well, she gets no reaction from me and cant handle it,
I realised now that, that is what she wanted, I am NO LONGER her NS - narcissistic supply. I
share nothing about my life, I don't allow her to notice that she has hurt me by her snide
remarks, I don't allow her to manipulate me any more (Because I realised that she will never
change or be a Mother to me) and it freaks her out. No emotional or financial links to a N is all
you can do. I never want to see her again. it took long to get here, I look back on a life
destroyed, many tears, many crazy days - Never again.
"Evil" is the only word I can think of when it comes to this woman that refers to herself as my
Mother. It was very hard to come to the point of realizing that she is not a Mother and you
need to stop thinking of her as that. I know it hurts, I KNOW! but it brings you freedom. As
long as you are looking for a Mother in her you will go through hell over and over again. You
are NS to her and that is all you will ever be, until you stop it.
I lost my income again recently due to her constant sympathy seeking and using me to gain it,
that was the last time I walked into destruction of my life because of her. I predicted it a year
ago, she will never change. Edited by Lizette, 09 October 2012 - 04:24 AM.
Birdee Posted 09 October 2012 - 11:02 AM Lizette... OMG! If I didn't know better, I'd swear
they cloned my mother and sent her to you. Seriously.. the way you describe your mom
sounds nearly identical to mine... including the hyper-religiousness. Full of the love of
WHOOOOO? lol & geez
YK? It makes me sad that you've suffered under her madness. I understand completely. But at
the same time I'm proud of you for choosing sanity over family obligation. Sometimes... you
just hafta walk away. I did. And so did one of my siblings. We're pretty happy with our
decisions... but you know how it goes... according to "mom"... WE'RE the sick ones.
whatever...
Cade Posted 13 October 2012 - 10:49 AM I have a close family member who is like that, and
it's hard to deal with. 29 years of that behavior - I don't remember what it was like before that
- and while it's improved somewhat since I moved out, it hasn't gone away. Personality
disorders are difficult to treat. She's been in therapy before and been on meds and it only
helped a little bit. Sometimes you have to cut off contact for your own mental health. I
couldn't do that personally, but I limit my exposure. I see her once or twice a month and only
for a couple of hours. That seems to be the perfect amount of time for her to vent to me about
everybody else and not have time to start in on me yet since she loves complaining about her
co-workers and my dad and my sister. I respond neutrally ("yeah, that sounds like a stressful
situation," etc.) Every situation is going to be different.
I feel kind of guilty because on one hand it's not her fault she's the way she is, but on the other
hand she still doesn't have the right to treat others like something stuck on the bottom of her
shoe and those people aren't obligated to put up with it. I trained her for awhile by leaving
immediately and depriving her of her of someone to complain to every time she was rude to
me, and now she does it a lot less as long as I don't stick around too long. But she hasn't
changed much, she's just learned that if she wants occasional compliments and someone to
bitch to, then she needs to at least pretend to be nice to me. The occasional hurtful comment
still comes out once in awhile. If she's just being her self-centered self and not thinking about
her words' effect on others, I can ignore it. When she heard my weight - which is on the low
side of normal - she immediately went into a speech about how fat she'd be if she weighed that
and it's not fair that I'm only a little chubby and the same height (I'm 3 inches taller), when I
have a history of ED-NOS, rather severe when I was having mixed episodes. Not a smart thing
to say, but she's not trying to be mean, she just thinks everything revolves around her. If she's
being intentionally cruel, I'm gone. No thanks.
http://joannekraft.com/when-a-loved-one-slanders-you-to-your-child/#comment-152429
When a Loved One Slanders You to

Your Child
July 18, 2013
Loved ones can be complicated. As your children begin to grow

up it only makes sense that we count on our extended family
and friends to encourage and guide our kids.
But, what if they undermine your parenting and discourage your
children instead? What then?
When you want to know the real secrets about your dad and
mom, come and see me. Were the words whispered to Amandas daughter.
Your parents are too strict. You need to know what they were like when they were younger.
I feel so bad for you. You have it so hard at home.
You need to know the truth about your motheryour father.
The Bible warns us against this type of evil speech.
A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.
Proverbs 11:12 Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his
lips from deceitful speech. I Peter 3:10
Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Leviticus 19:16
You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. Exodus 20:16
Whoever spreads slander is a fool. Proverbs 10:18
Amanda shared, I am so hurt. Why would someone I love share stories with my child about me?
Especially things they had no right to share and knew very little about?
Slander is a painful poison. Now add to that pain the fact that someone involves your child and now
you wrestle with bitterness and unforgiveness. Websters 1828 Dictionary defines slander this way:
SLANDER, v.t. To defame; to injure by maliciously uttering a false report respecting one; to tarnish or
impair the reputation of one by false tales, maliciously told or propagated. Slander, that worst of
poisons, ever finds an easy entrance to ignoble minds. Daniel Webster
Most often, slanderous words come from someone who is immature in their faith. Sadly, there are
times where no amount of schooling your friend or relative will matter. So, as a parent what is your
part to play? I think that depends on how old your child is.
Address this person. If your child is under age and dependent on you then its your duty to
confront the slanderer. As a parent you protect your little one from hurts, slanderous
words can hurt and affect your child and your relationship in painful ways. But, if your child
is an adult, warning them about who theyre befriending is your best course of action. If
they continue to openly seek a slanderers company than that is their choice.
Pray. Whether youve talked to the slanderer or not, its time to give God your pain and
allow Him to act on your behalf. By all means, do not slander a slanderer. Be silent.
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him, and He will act. Psalm 37:5
The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent. Exodus 14:14
Forgive. God forgave you when you were still a sinner. If we are to truly be children of the
Living God we must exercise forgiveness, tooeven in the midst of the pain.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.Romans 5:8
But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and
pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in
heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the
unjust.- Matthew 5:44-45
Be encouraged. This situation is not new to the Lord. He has been slandered from the beginning of
time. He knows the hurt youre feeling and He has overcome the world. When you feel the sting of a
slanderous story or the crushing weight of a child who believes ill of you because of onebe strong,
forgive and pray, then watch for God to act on your behalf.
Response to When a Loved One Slanders You to Your Child
elaine @ peace for the journey wrote:July 18, 2013 at 11:52 am Wow cant
say weve had to cross this particular bridge. I suppose I work with the idea . . .
confess it all up front to the kids. That way, they wont be surprised about the
junk that belongs to me.
Really, are people this evil? I (as well as members of my family) have been the brunt of awful
gossip, but Ive never had anyone corner my kids.
F N wrote: October 16, 2014 at 2:03 am My parents and brother slandered me to my friends,
relatives, wife, kids so much for so many years. First it was my love and respect for them that kept me
quiet. I was searching for answers all my life, especially why i got beaten so much my whole life, even
when i was an adult in my forties, and in front of my wife and kids! When i saw my kids
psychologically disturbed i started speaking out.
Reply
JoanneKraft wrote: October 16, 2014 at 6:14 am FNIm so sorry youve

experienced this. Its so very painful. So glad to hear youre learning how to speak out in love.

FN wrote: Your comment is awaiting moderation.November 8, 2014 at 12:51 pm
My whole life i was searching for answers to solve this puzzle! Nobody believed me, even when they
saw me injured, beaten. Even when i was in hospital after two serious suicide attempts. It continued
as usual. I went to relatives, elders, religious elders, but i live in such a mentally and psychologically
primitive society they refuse to acknowledge psychology as a science.
Until a few months i didnt even know the word Narcissistic I used to settle on other answers about
why all this is going on. But with time those answers would weather out, meaning, the parameters
would change. My life became a complete waste. All i could do was just lock up myself in a room and
live isolated.
Recently i stumbled upon a word Empath. Had never heard it before. I read the article and was
amazed how everything mentioned there matched me! After a month or so i stumbled upon
Narcissism! It was like the Holy Bible of answers to my whole life of trauma, confusions and puzzles!
I mean, exactly as the psychologists say, victims of narcissism usually resort to self harm and can lead
to suicide. Years ago i started cutting my arms, banging my head on walls in my isolation so severely
but my narcissistic family never bothered to hug me ask me console me. Nobody absolutely nobody
even stopped whatever they were doing, having fun, etc.
At first my wife was on my side. She was hated too. Than they started rewarding her for going against
me. My kids were naturally in love with me. Their minds were poisoned, brainwashed. Its too long a
story but i just want to say thank you for all the research that has been done on this aspect of life
called Narcissism!
Even now my problems are not solved because all the symptoms remain the same, including that
nobody believes me even when i show them evidence. But im working on it. I am hoping to prepare a
video presentation to make it easy for people to comprehend what really happened. I mean, im not
saying im so important that i need a video presentation. But honor is an essential part of the science
of life. And, after i die, i dont want my kids to continue to live in shame that they are my children.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ulterior-motives/201409/the-surprising-power-apathy
The Surprising Power of Apathy

New research reveals how others' indifference can affect us.
Published on September 2, 2014 by Art Markman, Ph.D. in Ulterior Motives
One of the long-term themes of this blog has been goal contagion, the idea that we often adopt the
goals of the people around us. See someone helping others, and you suddenly want to be helpful. See
someone being aggressive, and it makes you more likely to engage aggressively with others.
But what about apathy? If you see people being indifferent about a task, is that contagious as well?
This question was explored by by Pontus Leander, James Shah, and Stacey Sanders in a paper
published in the August, 2014 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
They suggested that when people are wavering in their commitment to a goal, exposure to apathy
decreases their motivation to pursue the task.
In one study, participants performed 12 analogy problems from the GRE (graduate school admission
test). Prior to solving the problems, participants did a task in which they responded to words presented
in the center of the screenand prior to seeing the words, pictures were flashed quickly on the screen,
showing either students looking bored or students looking engaged. These pictures were flashed
quickly enough that they could be perceived subliminally. (A control group saw no pictures.)
After solving the GRE problems, participants were asked for their undergraduate grade-point average,
which is a broad measure of their commitment to academic work. Participants with a high GPA were
relatively unaffected by the priming pictures. Those with lower GPAs, however, solved fewer analogy
problems when they were primed by photos of apathetic students than when they were primed by
energetic students (or received no priming at all).
This result suggests that exposure to apathy can decrease motivation for people who are already unsure
of their commitment to a goal. Another study used primes for apathy and primes for angerbut only
primes for apathy led people to perform more poorly on a later test. This finding suggests that apathy is
not just creating negative emotion that influences performance.
Another study used a more sensitive measure of commitment to academic achievement. Again,
participants were exposed to images of people being either apathetic or not. For half the participants,
the images showed academic situations, and for the other half, nonacademic situations. All participants
then solved anagrams, which they were told were a measure of verbal fluencyfor example, they
might see the letter ECTAR and would have to form the word CRATE.
An interesting pattern of results was obtained: The prime that was not in an academic context had very
little influence on peoples behavior. And the pictures that did depict and academic context had an
interesting influence on peoples behavior: Participants who were not strongly committed to academic
achievement spent less time on the anagrams, and solved fewer, when they saw pictures priming apathy
than when they saw pictures unrelated to apathy. But participants who were strongly committed to
academic achievement actually spent more time on the anagrams, and solved more of them, when they
saw pictures related to apathy than when they saw pictures unrelated to apathy.
This pattern suggests two conclusions: First, the influence of apathy is situation-specific. Second, the
influence of seeing apathy depends on a persons commitment to the goal. People who are not
committed to a goal interpret apathy as a signal that they should also give up. People who are strongly
committed actually get even more committed by seeing apathy.
The researchers ran several other studies to rule out other interpretationsfor example, one study
demonstrated that just thinking about a goal does not lead to these effects. The influence of apathy
requires that people have either a low or high commitment to the goal.
What does all of this mean?
We interpret the actions of the people around us. When we see people acting indifferently to a task, we
know that they are expressing a lack of interest in that task. That lack of interest is then related to our
existing commitment to a goal. When we are wavering in our commitment to a goal, then seeing others
who are apathetic nudges us in the direction of giving up. When we are highly committed to a goal,
then seeing others who are apathetic actually increases our commitment.
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trying-to-make-the-narcissist-accountable-is-keeping-you-hooked/
Trying to Make the Narcissist

Accountable is Keeping You Hooked
Posted on August 29, 2011 by Melanie Tonia Evans
As we know narcissists often act in ways that
They regularly break the rules, tell

lies, break promises, degrade, demean and exhibit
unjust, aggressive and abusive behaviour that is
inappropriate, childish, without remorse and
totally inhuman. Its likely, if you have suffered narcissistic abuse, that you have a high
defy all definition of normal.
level of integrity, and its likely youre known as a person who does the right thing. You have a
conscience, and because you do, youre mindful of considering your environment and other people.
Therefore you will be dismayed, and even regularly incensed by the narcissists inability to conduct
themselves appropriately, or abide by basic human morality and decency.
Its likely that you will fight for decency and morality. Before long youll find yourself lecturing and
prescribing correct behaviour as if you were talking to a 5 year old.
YOU act responsibly and uphold your integrity, therefore why shouldnt THEY?
Life with a narcissist is like a bag of tricks, and a box of chocolates. You never know what will
morph out of thin air, or be unwrapped next. You are constantly on edge, walking on
broken glass and suffering from high levels of anxiety. Understandably you want the
instability and madness to stop
Forcing accountability logically seems to be the answer, so that the crazy feelings and fear can end.
Your Integrity Is Used Against You

Its extremely important to know the strength you possess integrity, is in fact one of the greatest
weapons that the narcissist uses against you. Firstly understand the narcissist purposefully targets
people who have high levels of integrity.
The reason is he or she knows:
You will take responsibility for cleaning up the messes that the narcissist creates.
You will stoically work overtime on cleaning up these messes.
You are the perfect person to blame, because you vehemently try to prove your integrity to the
narcissist, rather than leave, despite the abuse.
By focusing on trying to get the narcissist to act like a responsible and considerate adult you
will hand over lots of much needed narcissistic supply (attention).

The narcissist can accuse you of lack of integrity in any area you pride yourself in (being a
good parent, a caring role model, a pet lover, an honest business person etc. etc.) which grants
omnipotent delight when the narcissist views how much this maims you.
You will be a partner who loves and cares, therefore willingly handing over your resources,
time, support and money.
By preying on your need for integrity the narcissist has set you up to lose your mind. The more he or
she attacks and pillages supply and resources from you as a result of your high levels of integrity the
more you will try to righteously force the narcissist to be accountable. In fact you may go out of your
way to prove a point, and do the right thing to set the right example, hoping that the narcissist will
learn and start acting like a decent person.
The narcissist by the very definition of what a narcissist is, does not want to be accountable, does not
want to play fair, does not want to conform and does not want to do the right thing. A narcissist
believes playing by the rules makes him or her like everyone else.
In fact the narcissist watches you doing all of the right things and inwardly laughs about how pathetic
you are for doing it, and loves it because it gives him or her ample opportunity to keep mining supplies
whilst you keep trying to force him or her to be as good as you.
The narcissist believes being good would mean being reduced to a mere human, swallowed whole and
controlled by the system. The narcissist thinks this will create vulnerability and take away his or her
edge of remaining separate, having the upper hand and securing narcissistic supply. To co-operate
means he or she will have no way to steal energy to fill up the empty painful void within and this
would spell emotional annihilation.
You must understand that there is now way to make the narcissist accountable and trying to is
one of the greatest hooks that are keeping you stuck in abuse.
The Deadly Dance
A horrible addiction process occurs when you try to exert control over the narcissists actions and
demand his or her accountability. In fact the more you try to control the uncontrollable, the more you
lose control of yourself.
As your focus on trying to make the narcissist normal and decent intensifies, the more you expose
yourself to the mind-bending twists and turns, the insane behaviour and the intense gas-lighting,
manoeuvres, projections, justifications and downright lies that will tear your self-esteem and self-belief
apart.
Before long you will think you are losing your mind, and you find that you can barely function. As the
process intensifies you will feel so empty, tormented and anguished that you may feel like life is not
worth living.
I promise you it is the strongest, most intelligent people with high integrity that suffer the most in this
deadly dance. Be very aware you cant win this game with the narcissist and trying to win will just
grant A-Grade supply to the narcissist every step of the way.
The Narcissist Fights Dirty
The need for integrity creates the perfect forum for the narcissist to unleash his or her most powerful
arsenal. Within arguments he or she has a wide open playing field with no boundaries. This is like a
blood-thirsty game of mortal combat with no rules. The narcissist has no conscience, therefore an
endless amount of nasty tools are readily available.
These include:
Outrageous lies in order to gain whatever goal the narcissist has in mind.
Gas-lighting techniques in order to get you to doubt yourself.
Imagined allies to back up his or her claims.
Malicious comments to maim you.
Attacks on your integrity to disarm you.
Expert projection to make what he or she did your fault.
Purposeful outrageous and childish non-sensical comments to incense you.
Refusal to remain on the topic at hand.
Insistence on boundaries within the conversation, granting him or her all the rights to continue
speaking, and you none.
Discard and abandonment techniques regardless of the state you are in. (The more distressed
you are the more delight in abandoning you).
Attacking you in regard to your distress, hysteria or anger that has occurred within the
argument.
The ability to use any of the above (plus more) to purposefully punish you, and create the
highest level of anguish possible.
No human being is a match for these tactics, and if you do try to match the narcissists game with any
of the narcissits tactics the narcissist immediately pounces on your lack of integrity, which throws
you into the despair: The narcissist doesnt believe I am a decent person (this destroys your soul and
mission to change the narcissist ) or you will feel the incensed mind-bending rage of: Who are you
to accuse me of lack of integrity?
Whichever way it goes, you end up battered and distraught, and the narcissist obtained narcissistic
supply and the omniponent knowing that he or she can have this effect on you
You cant shrug off allegations like the narcissist can. The narcissist, once securing you in their life,
actually doesnt care whether or not you think the narcissist is a good person. The narcissist is simply in
the game for the two reasons that narcissists interact with anyone:
1) To secure narcissistic supply, and
2) Having a person to hurt in order to offload their tormented inner self.
You have to accept that the narcissist simply does not hold or even care about the model of love and
relationships that you do. His or her values, needs and neuron brain pathways are miles apart from
yours.
The More you Need the Less You Get
At the time of entering the argument you will feel that you were seeking accountability for a specific
issue now as a result of the argument you will feel totally unsafe and need accountability for all the
brutal abuse that occurred within the argument as well.
The more you try to gain accountability, the less you receive it, then the more accountability you need
and the vicious cycle expands and broadens until it is literally ripping your life apart, with no way out if
you continue
You know when you are disintegrating and complete losing yourself, because this is when you start
acting like a crazy person. You may call the narcissist twenty times in a row, start seeking people in his
community to tell them the truth about the narcissist. You may be constantly checking the narcissists
facebook, phone records and contacts about what the narcissist is or isnt doing, and your whole life
becomes obsessed and totally taken over by the need to get accountability.
This is the exact opposite of where you want to be. With your focus completely obsessed with what the
narcissist is or isnt doing, he or she has you right where they want you detached from your True Self.
No longer are you able to healthily supply yourself with your basic emotional needs, sustenance and
safety. Its likely that youre no longer able to look after your practical and even survival needs
effectively. You may find it virtually impossible to eat, sleep, pay bills and function.
How to Drop the Need for Accountability and Reach Acceptance
Read the following very carefully. This is your truth.
Understandably you will be operating from the mind-bending pain: You should or should not be doing
this! and How on earth can somebody do what you do?!
This may seem correct at a human and logical level, but this does not help you create a healthy and
accountable life with accountable people.
One of the largest fundamental lessons of life, and intense learning curves that we are forced to face as
a result of narcissistic abuse is this: People can be and do whatever they want to be and do. This lesson
of acceptance is one of the most essential when recovering from narcissistic abuse.
There are only two ways we can live our life. These are:
1) Resistance, or
2) Acceptance.
When we judge something as wrong we have set ourselves up energetically (energy being the true
note that creates our reality), as My experience is wrong, because of this thing being wrong and
therefore I have to make it right in order to be Okay.
For example: If you do something bad to me, and I decide to be affected by it ( a normal human
reaction) Ill replay it in my mind, and every time I do I feel the pain of what you did to me. You are
however no longer standing there and doing it to me. I am actually free to get on with the TRUTH of
my life, but I cant now because what you did was wrong.
I have assessed my life cant be right now, because you exchanged with me in a way that was
wrong. Your wrongness has now become my wrongness (I took it on), and it cant be fixed until I
change you from being wrong into right.
Understandably this is very POWERLESS. I have no power to change you. And If I try to I cant have
a right life until I change you from being wrong. The truth is Ill be having a wrong life forever
Why? Because even if I could force you to change into right (highly unlikely and impossible when
dealing with a narcissist), more and more wrong people would still keep coming into my experience
and keep doing wrong things to me
Why? That sounds crazy! Why would I keep attracting the wrong behaviour that I detest so much?
The answer is simple. Its because I have an intense focus and dislike (judgement) on wrong. I take it
personally, I make other peoples behaviour about me, and I judge who they are, and try to fix them and
change them in a futile attempt to make me happyrather than take responsibility for being the Creator
of myself
all because I have not as yet learn the vital SOUL LESSON of acceptance and unconditional love
which is:
I love you and all of life enough to allow you to be whoever you want to be on your journey, and I
love myself enough to choose what is the TRUE journey for me. Therefore if we are not a MATCH
thank you for showing me what I needed to heal within myself, and I can let go and allow us both to
experience the journey that is our choice as it stands right now.
Whenever we judge something as wrong, we are in resistance. By resisting this thing, we think we are
saying No to it yet in reality we are saying Yes and bringing it into our experience. Resistance
hooks us into the fight of trying to change something that is wrong into being right and pollutes our
being and experience with wrong in the process.
True Acceptance does not mean tolerating it means the exact opposite. Acceptance means we observe
the narcissists behaviour and accept that the narcissist does what he or she does because they are a
narcissist. With this acceptance you will no longer have the need to change or fix the narcissist for
your own wellbeing.
The gift in learning how to stop trying to get accountability is the peace and the acceptance that we are
Unlimited Beings with all of the resources of life at our disposal. We dont have to try to force
unmakeable deals to work because there is plenty more of what we really want available in life.
You need to establish that you DO have the resources within you to create your own truth and fullness.
You can allow others to be whoever they wish to be, and if who they are or what they do does not line
up with your Truth, then that person does not need to be your reality.
I hope this article helped you realise just how much damage fighting to get accountability is causing
you. Next time you judge someone or their actions as wrong remember to apply acceptance instead.
Everyone is doing their own journey in their own way, given their map of the world. Now set yourself
free to choose your truth regardless of what this person is or isnt doing, and if their truth is not a match
for yours it certainly does not have to play any part as your truth anymore.611
Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse
recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated
thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.
82 thoughts on Trying to Make the Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked
1. Wm Krishnamurthy on September 5, 2011 at 9:05 pm said: Fantastic article. Im dealing with a
few these difficulties.
2. Pauletta Pyron on September 12, 2011 at 1:38 pm said: Everything is quite open and quite clear
explanation of problems. was truly details. Your internet site is really useful. Many thanks for
sharing.
3. how much house can i afford on September 23, 2011 at 8:29 am said: i love your blog, i have it
in my rss reader and always like new things coming up from it.
Car Dealer Social Media on October 2, 2012 at 10:54 pm said: Outstanding quest ther.
What ocurred after? Thanks!
4. Michelle O'Callaghan on September 23, 2011 at 10:01 am said: Great article!! I know someone
that fits this to a T and I am very glad to have them out of my life!! xxx
5. Chair on September 25, 2011 at 2:06 am said: Much appreciated for the information and share!
Nancy
6. sharon on October 3, 2011 at 9:02 am said: all REALLY makes sense now,even though I left
him 7 months ago, am starting prop settlement, and am forever hitting brick walls, with me
getting so frustrated and angry, but thats what his aim is, right?
7. Melanie Tonia Evans on October 4, 2011 at 10:15 am said: Hi Sharon, yes this is his aim, and of
course it is totally normal for you to get angry and upset however this does hand over
narcissitic supply and also KEEPS holding up his behaviour in your expereince.
The more we focus on what someone else is doing with big emotional charges connected to
their actions, the more we receive MORE OF THAT.
When we are in this space with the narcissist, it just keeps happening with no signs of letting
upand nothing we do makes any difference to the relentless attacks and onslaughts.
Without exception when you do the work on you and heal and empower yourself to the point
that his behaviour becomes Not Your Reality, and the focus of your truth and alignment takes
its place, he will have no hold and no affect on you.
Every person that does the work on themself and gets to this vibration (I promise you) starts to
experience everything falling into place for them, and the narcissist loses power and starts to
fall over, slip up and screw up.
To understand more about how this is done, and why it needs to be done, please listen to my
latest radio show which will help you a lot
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2011/10/02/interview-with-individualsregarding-implemented-boundaries
8. theresa on October 5, 2011 at 12:08 am said: dear melanie, I am having a horrible time right
now. I have been with an extreme Narc for two years. He recently discarded me along with his
10 month old son. I have been seperated for a month now and he has still given me no money at
all in support for our son. Your website has helped me immensely I was so confused it happened
right out of the blue i want you to move out this relationship is no longer working. he doesnt
call i am just now doing the minimal contact he just looks at me like a brick no emotion the
abuse was extensive he used to call me fat for the weight gain after my son was born isolated
me in quite a way from my family as to not be blatant. He was just rude and cold to them so
they would not come around. I struggle with wanting to hold him accountable but he cant even
admit that he kicked his son and me out. and to think we were looking at houses 2 weeks before
it happened. It left me confused for no reason. and when i say extreme NPD i mean exactly that
i am his longest relationship ever of 2 years, no close friends no close relationships with family
he has never once apologized it is always my fault if i could just work out my issues.
9. Melanie Tonia Evans on October 5, 2011 at 12:20 am said: Hi Theresa, yes what you are going
through is awful, an dthe relief only can come from committing to you accessing healing,
empowerment and relief. Theresa if you havent already please access my free resources: 1) My
free radio shows: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/media.htm and my free eBooks:
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcsignup.htm
These will help a lot. If you do have the resources and want powerful results to start getting
better quickly and powerfully, then my highest suggestions are: Quanta Freedom Healing
(sessions with me) http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/quanta-healing.htm or The
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuserecovery.htm
Commit to the information and solutions that you need, and you will recoverknow that this
commitment to yourself is essential.
Hna
Christine on December 23, 2012 at 9:49 am said: Theresa, I hope by now youve gotten
into the legal system. The judge will order him to pay.
10.Kathy on October 27, 2011 at 6:44 pm said: I think I am living with one right now and I am
trying to figure out a way to leave! Thank you for all of this information, it is helping.
teri on August 2, 2012 at 4:39 pm said: Attack his EGO! I was compassionate, tried to
reason with him, tried to get to his heart! There wasnt one! Took me 25 years to figure
that one out!
11.Pingback: Stop Being The Scapegoat | Narcissism & Relationships Blog by Melanie Tonia
Evans
12.kara on April 29, 2012 at 6:35 pm said: Checking Facebook, emails, etc. I thot I was the only
one doing that. But your right the fixation, obession, the need to know ran my life becauze my
narcissist husband was so secretative thats the only chance I had to know anything. After 14yrs
of marriage he turned ugly and I became his enemy. That pit of my stomach feeling is always
there a mix of hate sadness and disbelief. After 14yrs of marriage, after I told him I told
everyone how much I trusted him and I knew he would never betray me . ha, ugh, sob. Never
have I felt this betrayed in my life. Took all our retirement to start a biz. Quit his day job
practically, opened a shop, and all of that he never asked told or consulted with me. I find out as
he screams it at me. After 14yrs of marriage I thot hed always be there be my love care for me.
Last Nov I was taken by ambulance to hospital. Many hours later he showed up to take me
home. I was hurt and mad I thought I was going to die earlier that day. Had all the symptoms of
having a stroke. I could not think or speak. I called him for comfort during the middle of that I
even prayed God to care for him. I was sure that day I was physically going to die. Obviously I
didnt. However I had developed a kidney problem. When he was driving me home I was upset
and questioning him as to where he was. I was in hospital over 12 hours. He proceeded to call
me names bitbull, etc. We got home I felt desperate and panic and unloved UNcared for and
scared. I was sick throwing up and crying. He sat in the chair staring at me. I was crying I
asked him if he was going to help me. His eyes were like the devils eyes and he said no Im not.
You wont shut up you are a pitbull and a bh. Im leaving. He got up. I live in the woods. My
car was not there I had no way to go for help if I needed to. He got up and threatened to leave
me there. I decided in that moment to have courage be brave and I prayed for strength. I said to
him if thats what you need to do then go ahead. He paused I pounded myself in the leg not
hard, quick release. I said nothing more. He left. I would not allow myself to linger in thot or
dwell on emotion. I think I ate something bad, but the next morning he walked in the house
and said hey hows it going. Want some coffee ??!? Since then yep hes threatened to leave
and he left and I repeat the same letting go procedure. I havent ran for a divorce yet because I
hear my higher power telling me to relax and let go. If you run now you still got ick on you.
Learning just because he does what he does it doesnt say anything about me. Hes the one
stomping out like a child and having to figure out what next. One step at a time and congratulate
yourself. Eliminate the need to know why or what, it has no bearing on who we are and it sets
us up for crazy making tactics we dont feel good about. Iam extremely sad and grieving for
what I thot I had. I work to not hate the man I once loved with all my heart. Im crying for him
because the person I loved does exist but somewhere else. My husband has a sickness and not
much I can do about it. God will get me thru make me strong ill be OK. Now going on 17yrs
married. Every day every minute a new walk. In this moment however not real fond of the Guy
but enjoying sharing this long winded narrative. May the good lord bless us, strenghten us, and
give us plenty of reserves.
13.jac on May 12, 2012 at 10:06 pm said: I now know, after battling a non winning battle to get my
ex partner to realise what he was doing to me, abusing me, everything imaginable that happens
with a high end, extreme narcissist. He just kept at it, hurting me as much as possible and every
time I tried to get him to see and to apologise, he justified his behaviour over and over again
until I was so drained, that I had no fight left. I wrote emails and letters constantly explaining
what was happening and how he was behaving, pouring my heart out to him to hopefully get
him to see and stop the pain he was causing me and himself. I never got a reply to emails and
not one response to letters. Tried talking to him as I was sick of writing and focusing on trying
to fix everything, and all I got was my needs being dismissed. One day I wanted to quietly talk
about my needs regarding his lack of interest in me sexually, what I got was go and get
yourself a new boyfriend then, or a dildocruel and heartless, then he saw my face which was
sad and said, oh get over yourself, it is all about Jac! Ten minutes later after I was completely
drained of life and exhausted, he would change and worship me again and go come home with a
gift. Quick changes that left me even more confused. Awful abuse to worship in the time frame
of 20 minutes. So acceptance is very important and learning how to just let go, let him live his
life and dont waste any more time trying to get accountability as Melanie said, it is an
excrushiatingly pointless exercise that will leave you so exhausted, and no strength left to do
what you must do and that is leave, move on and live a great life. It does feel amazing, feeling
alive again and your light return to you. I have been free for 5 months now and will never go
back to that life again, not for millions of dollars. Thanks Melanie, your experience and finding
answers for us all has saved my life and others. Jac x
14.jac on May 12, 2012 at 10:16 pm said: Another word of caution in the giving of gifts is that as
nice as it may seem at the time, it is them trying to buy us and keep us interested in them. My ex
man would always buy me lots of small gifts and it was usually after he had drained the life out
of me the day before of 20 minutes before, whenever it was, I know it was manipulation. He
would also buy gifts that he would like, being a collector, his gifts were all about him. With the
exception of a few things he bought which were nice and thoughtful, they meant nothing after a
while and we had nothing left outside of that. When I left he accused me of saying he had a
mental illness and how his best friend (me) could say such horrible things to him. I didnt state
that at all and said, he had some mental issues to sort out. His stuck to his belief and used it
against me to tell everyone what I had supossidley said to gain their sympathy. He will do what
he will do and the truth is he and many others will never admit they have this disorder. So give
up and accept he is what he is x
15.dave on June 26, 2012 at 4:40 am said: Its uncanny how similar some of these folks
experiences are to mine. Im male and my N is female. Been with her 2 years. It was amazing
when it started, the intimacy, sex, closeness. Soul mates.
At the time I noticed that she was completely selfish to a bizarre degree. I knew that nobody
could really be that way, and assumed she was acting out and with enough nurturing and love
she would naturally swing back to typical human values that I just knew were there, simply
driven beneath the surface by a hard life.
So now, 2 years later and $40,000 in debt from getting her on her feet and supporting her for a
year while she didnt work Ive suddenly become a monster.
Ive been slowly and steadily asking for and then expecting some measure of accountability.
Im not sure what I expected but not what the last 18 months has become.
Were to the point that I moved out of my own home 3 months ago to escape her abuse, Im
living in a tiny house camper. She promptly moved my things into a spare bedroom and speaks
of the house as hers.
The blaming, projection, anger, rage, dismissiveness, sarcasm, taunting, invalidating,
gaslighting, lying, and the thousand tiny insults, leaving the room while im speaking, playing
music so loud i cant be around it.
There has always been a pattern of constant interruptions, invalidating what i say, etc. The last
year its gotten bizarre. The last time we spoke, in an attempt to experience the warmth wed
had before, i made a remark about an experience id had. Her reply was sudden and vicious, that
what id said was wrong, and challenged me to provide supporting facts. I started to answer and
after a few words was interrupted and told what my answer would be, and why it was invalid.
For the next hour i never successfully spoke more than 4 words in a row, as soon as i began to
speak she interrupted speaking loudly and quickly, told me what i was about to say, and then
explained in insulting terms why it was invalid. These would be followed by her taking parts of
what shed just said, attributing it to me, and then arguing against it as well, and demeaning me
for that statement. It lasted over an hour before i lost my cool. The entire performance, which
happens so often its the normal pattern occurred without any input from me.
The last straw was when i once again began to speak she turned up the music very loud on the
computer. Well its my computer, so i unplugged it and the monitor and put them in my car.
Shes totally addicted to some facebook game and came unglued. Sending me text messages
until 2 am and trying to call me.

I found your site by searching for accountability in relationships through google.
Ive been working with the theme of acceptance in my own life for my own wellness, and many
times had tried to find or allow a level of acceptance that would make me able to be with her.
Now I understand that true acceptance is total, and it creates a logic that is impeccable. Accepts
all that she does without expecting any accountability, then reach the only conclusion that is
possible, that she is someone who is a destructive force, and the responsibility is completely
mine to move away from it.
In any other human relationship, from child to a restaurant server to a friend or lover Id expect
accountability to some degree, and normally get it. True acceptance means accepting that she
does not want to be accountable despite lip service.
Thanks for your essay above. My advice to all who struggle with a N, run, dont walk. david
16.weight loss guides on July 19, 2012 at 1:42 pm said: This article offers clear idea in favor of the
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17.teri on August 2, 2012 at 4:28 pm said: wow..stumbled on to this site because I was in a
narcissistic relationship for 25 years and had tried to escape many times. Each time, I was
sucked back in. I have to say, that had I realized that if I had just attacked his EGO, I would
have been out long before the 25 years it took me to escape. So, we have been divorced for 1.5
years and he has yet to do as he is supposed to do, according to the divorce decree. I hired an
attorney to help, but 7 months and several thousand dollars later, I am still in the same boat I
was when I contacted the lawyer for help. Is amazing to me how the N can find an attorney to
simply explain away all the wrongs. I discovered today, I was still being sucked in by him in
trying right his wrongs, and get some accountability. HE HAD ME HOOKED and was still
controlling me from afar. This past 7 months turned into this insane person, full of rage and
anger because I was not getting an accountability for his contempt of court actions. I now
realize that there is no way I can ever get this man to do what is right, no matter how hard I try.
I told my attorney today, I no longer care about the money he owes me, I no longer care about
the other 10 items of contempt. I am done. This past 7 months was a waste of time for me and
the attorney (probably NOT the attorney) but me. What really hit home for me from this article,
was judgement vs acceptance. I now realize, I cant right anybody elses wrong. I can only
make sure that what I do as a human, is the right and true action for me, and learn to accept
others for what they are, but toleration, is KEY. The unfortunate part of this whole story, is that I
found out that he has committed fraud, in my name, without my knowledge. I still have a long
road ahead of me with this man in the legal realm. Recovery, has been tough!
18.janice on August 9, 2012 at 4:43 pm said: wow. yes! a friend sent me this link telling me it was
all about me. i have been reading yuor blogs for a few weeks now and they are really opening
my eyes. i am newly divorced for a year now and separated since 09. my story is long and
complicated as many i have read here are. but the same common thread runs though all and that
is this narcissism.
i had a narc father and i totally imprinted this in choosing a mate. thing is we had a baby and it
was one of those rush in where angels fear to tread incidences. we werent married long bc his
behaviour was intolerable complete with gaslighting, absences, non committal, never telling me
where he was and the purchase of gifts totally unsuited for my personality.
my question is this how does one untangle when one is in a court custody situation? we have
been back and forth for years now about our daughter. he is such a good boy in court and bows
down to the judge, but then after everything falls apart. he complies, but not all the way leaving
me to wonder what is going to happen? i have been enabling his non compliance bc i think my
daughter should know her dad even if he is not fulfilling court orders.
my daughter was sent to therapeutic counseling with him after some bad unsupervised visits
with him and the counselor has been working with me since they ended. she recently told me to
back off and stop enabling or he wont do what he is required to do. i am now, but i am also
getting advice from family to have compassion for him.
i have accepted that this is the way he is, but it is still so challenging when it involves my
daughter ~ the innocent third party. what does a good mom do???
the court order stipulates that he comply, but i have already enabled visits [fathers day and her
birthday coming up] where he didnt have to do anything he was supposed to do.
during the father day visit, he many times just fell back and let me pick up the pieces, be it
communication, entertaining her, playing with her or guiding the playtime. she is 5 going on 6.
btw, i have really been a single mom since day 1 as his comments about helping were returned
with ill play with her when shes older
anyway, i am really in a hard place right now and need all the help and support i can get. i get
all of the principles of spirituality like acceptance and compassion, love and kindness as i am a
12 year veteran in DNA [drug & alcohol] recovery. so i really get it. the trick with this is really
buttoning down on this narc behaviour so in practice i can be better equipped to respond
centered and grounded. part of me wants no part of any of this anymore and part of me is this
fierce warrior. i have been hoddwinked so many times by him energetically its utterly physically
painful!
i am an empath and also a clairvoyant [sensitive artist etc] so its very hard to not feel him. he
definitely feeds off me especially on the calls he makes to our daughter. one day i sprayed
special flower essence protection spray and he had to go so quickly it was very strange.
anyway, i can go on about a lot of things here, but the essence is that i admit i have intense
integrity and i see this is the hook. i am a good person and he is powerless on regards to that,
other than shuffling the deck and trying to spin dry me. i am a leo and he is an aquarius. i
wonder how many narcs are aquariuss
peace ~*~
Christine on November 23, 2012 at 3:07 am said: btw, i have really been a single mom
since day 1 as his comments about helping were returned with ill play with her when
shes older
WOW WOW WOW. or when its convenient or I cant change diapers because shes
a girl. Good grief, Ive been with this guy 18 years, married for 4. What have I done? It
is now so clear but so muddy at the same time. I was just starting to feel the guilt
about being non-reactive to him and things he doeshaha silly me.
19.Melanie Tonia Evans on August 9, 2012 at 6:00 pm said: Hi Janice, truly tis radio show will
help so muchit covers what you need to learn, heal and realise re your situation.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/08/07/q-ahow-do-we-heal-our-children
Mel xo
20.Jac on August 15, 2012 at 9:54 pm said: Interesting regarding accountability is about 3 weeks
ago, I got a total confession on how badly he treated me, being just like his father, and what a
hipocrite he was, how I dont deserve that, that he was too proud to admit the truth to me, sorry
for the way he treated me, blah, blah, blah. I have a feeling it was a hook, as he has been trying
to keep me in his life, through many ways and his words of manipulation are now disguising
themselves as the real deal. I know it is giant hook as he is not interested in doing everything it
takes to prove he is taking responsibility, they are just words in an email. I have been doing no
contact now for 2 months nearly and I am not remotley interested in answering any more
emails. Each time I do, they get supply (attention) so I am not giving him any more of my time
or my soul. I am lucky in that he is not nasty, like some Narcs are, he is just letting go, but
trying to hang on also due to his obsession with me. It is sad, that a decent person can be such a
monster and is in a big dark hole, due to is upbringing, but I cant save him. I forgive him,
accept he is who he is, and have moved on, which is what we need to do, to truly heal ourselves.
There is no way to get them to be accountable, they just dont have the resources to do so.
terrianne on September 14, 2012 at 8:42 pm said: omg i have read and read to find
someone in the same situation as me and finally i read your message thankyou it is the
same as my narc, he had me believing he was sorry and im thinking hmm maybe he is
not a true narc and it is all me as usual as they dont say sorry. but i have to fight that
thought. he had an abusive upbringing and will never change. he is obsessed with me
soul mate etc and had anilated me to a hospital visit from breakdown thinking i was to
blame blah blahi am doing no contact but he turns up to house rings, messages all the
timei will fight this and win especially now i have found your message THANKYOU.
21.Peggy on August 18, 2012 at 1:26 am said: This article perfectly describes the 13 year dance
with my N and furthermore, how I have reacted to every injustice I have experienced during my
entire life. This article provides important information for self-healing, vital for the N abused.
22.Pam on September 10, 2012 at 5:11 am said: Everybody speaks of partners on this blog. I had
one of them also and it took me 10 years to move to another part of the country to try and deal
with him. But no one is speaking of family members that are Ns. My sister, I think is a
sociopath/narcissist , and my brother, I just figured out is a N ! Im miserable ! You say to
leaveHOW do you do that when you have a mother w beginning stage Alzheimers ? They lie
and make crap up that I am doing against my mother and tell my mother, as they did when my
father was alive 1 1/2 ago.. Well, my sister did. I need to know more about family
Ns.pleassse ! What do I do !. Its terrible ! HELP !
23.Lynne on September 22, 2012 at 5:44 pm said: I am so thankful for this website, i only wish
that I had found it years ago, it would have saved me a lot of suffering and pain. It is uncanny
how you describe things that have mirrored my life so much. The lies that my ex narc conjures
up are unbelievable to the point where he can accuse his own children of his own wrong doing.
I have been falesly accused of assaulting him and his girlfriend where he has lied to police for
which I had to give interviews, he has lied to social services accussing me of being an un-fit
mother to our 5 children. He has lied in a court of law about me..the more I fought to make
the truth be known the more I ended up a physical and mental wreck in a bearly functional state.
I really wish I had read this article whilst going through this torment but unfortuneately i had to
learn through experience and advice from people that were looking from the outside in to my
predicament. It was only when somebody pointed out that he was narcissistic and to cut off his
oxygen that I fought with all my will to severe contact. This became a turning point for me and
when I grew. As soon as the contact began again (instigated by him) it wouldnt be long before I
could feel myself being dragged under again. If it wasnt for the support of my family and close
friends keeping me afloat, I swear I wouldnt be here today. years on from the seperation he
still tries to control me at a distance but now that the finances, children and everything is nearly
sorted, his options for abuse are limited and the terror and his sadistic reign are slowly subsidng.
He is now with a new wife who he wined and dined but his bullying ways are already rearing in
her world from what I have heard. I want to tell her and warn her but am afraid he will use this
against me at some point. I realise my childrens and own safety have to come first. narcissists
are very dangerous people and are best giving a wide birth. Thankyou thankyou thankyou for all
the sound advice you give to thousands of people, most of which do not have an awareness of
NPD until most of the damage and pain has been done. I wish courts, police and the law would
take more notice of this disorder
24.jules on October 31, 2012 at 4:04 pm said: A friend of a friend who knows my exhusband sent
me this site. It is unbelieveable how much this discribes my exhusband. When I told him that I
was pregnant we were engaged and he flipped out bc we were engaged but not married yet and
said what would his parents think. Two weeks later I lost the baby possibly from all of the
stress.The final straw was 3 years later and we were married when I called him after his football
game to let him know that my grandmother, who was my world, had passed away. He said that
he was going to dinner with his father and would see me tomorrow seeing as I was at the
nursing home waiting for my parents to come in from DC. I found out he was cheating on me
by recieving a phone call at my grandmothers funeral.
I again still tried to make it work til I received another email stating that he had been cheating
on me with another girl for several months. HE still denied it happened more then once until I
gave him her email with every time place and date documented. Then It was my fault bc I
traveled with my job so much but he didnt mind the new cars and spending my money on his
girlfriends.I filed for divorce with him not wanting to get divorced so he said. Within 3 months
he was dating the student teacher from his class he had cheated on me with. within 5 months she
was pregnant and married when she was 6 months pregnant. After all the stress he caused me
and we were engaged and had a house already about my baby. I am really struggling with this
and having a hard time.All of the empty promises, the I will always be here, I will never get
remarried you mean too much to me, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you and
then he just walks away. Any advice on something specific I should read?? He has caused so
much pain I have a really hard time letting go and moving on. I want him to pay for what he has
done and for everyone to know that he is not the perfect coach and rolemodel to children that
everyone thinks he isNot to mention what he caused with my baby and the way I was
treated.
25.Chandra on November 16, 2012 at 4:12 pm said: I just left my husband after 36 years of
emotional abuse. It took me 34 years to realize that his behavior is NPD. I have wanted to leave
him for years but I always stayed because I feared him, I had his children, everyone else loved
him and when he was charming, I really felt loved. The cycle went on for years. 3-4 months of
honeymoon and then 2-3 months of disrespect, abandonment, criticism, rejection and feeling
like an object and slave. When I left, my children of 20 and 22 told me they understood. A few
weeks after I left, neither child will talk to me. One is entirely hateful and disrespectful to me.
He has sabatoged their relationship with me and I feel it is because I have done no contact
that he can only keep the tie to me through them. I am heart broken. I am finding it hard to
reach acceptance. Very hard.
26.mkji on November 17, 2012 at 1:25 am said: 25 yrs with a N. Always thought there was
something wrong with me. He was never there when I needed him the most.. he would sit back
and watch and seem to enjoy when I was upset or hurt. He would ignore me in public, tell me to
get away from him when I wanted a hug, tell me he wasnt interested in hearing about my day at
work. Blamed me for everything.. even though I was a great mother. Turned my kids on me
manipulated them both when I would not allow his lies to affect my children. Cheap, cheap,
controlling. Would not help around the house or with kids blamed me when I said I cant
work full time. Made me feel there was something wrong with me. Buy gifts to try and pull me
back in. Never say sorry. God forbid if I made an error. Im out now thank goodness, the kids
can see he isnt the greatest guy. Used daughter as narc supply because he wasnt getting it from
me or son. Im focusing on not being angry at him.. thats what ruled my life for a long time..
anger that was a waste of time that never got me anywhere. What a relief to be out
To the mom above, your children will come around. My kids were 16 and 19. They had a year
or so where they were angry with me.. now they see what their father is. What he did to the kids
and our relationship was the most heart breaking experience in my life. Things get much better.
Matt on December 18, 2012 at 7:40 pm said: Mkji above ..i have three little men,
shared custody..i fear everyday they are not with me. I worry sick thinkinh about them
staying with ex wife and her mother both N . Its hard to see light at the end of this loney
tunneli only hope they grow and accept why I left.
27.Lynn on November 17, 2012 at 2:41 am said: I was with my ex husband who was not only an N
but alcoholic to boot. A terrible combination. I know he will never accept any responsibility for
his behaviors and I need to get past it. I know what it is like trying to get past the injustices
leveled at me and have a hard time dealing with all of the pain.
Even after owning up to what I perceived myself in mishandling some things I had asked him if
there was anything he thought he could have handled better or differently.. His responseNO.
I could have stayed and lived a very economically advantaged life. My ex was a high powered
well known attorney with his own practice, we had a house on a lake with all of the toys, and
loads of money in the bank. But it was not worth the price and my dignity. I knew I was selling
my true self short and after many drunken narcissistic battles, adversarial interrogations, lies
manipulations and betrayals I left.
He has now bought a new house for his office manager with whom he has been having an
ongoing affair with before during and after our marriage. He has also gotten convicted of two
more drunk driving charges which were not even 2 months apart, he has lost his drivers license
for a year, had a brand new car immobilized, huge fines and costs and he is being monitored for
2 years by our states lawyers and assistance program.
He has left total devastation in his wake. 3 exwives, 3 children 2 which have alcohol drug abuse
problems, legal problems for arrests, one is diagnosed as bipolar and is morbidly obese and
another younger daughter who has anxiety issues. He blames the mothers for all of his
childrens problems but always tries to get you to feel sorry for him. He refuses to see how his
behavior affected other people, because he is superior in intellect and everyone is wrong so he
believes. He is a pitbull viper who will crush anyone who disagrees with him, and humiliate
them for having their own interests and opinions on anything, even his own children.
Money is all important to him and he is more concerned with how total strangers and colleagues
view him rather than his own family. His favorite
Line was you need to tray me as number one which makes me sick to this day.
Melanie is right you cant win justice for yourself from these people. You just need to know
that you will have a better life you create for yourself without the constant turmoil the people
present. I have a hard time knowing about his affair, especially when he was always the
controlling jealous rage aholic with me. But like Melanie said, they arent real in a sense that
they can have a normal relationship with anyone, and whole she gets the house and money, she
is stuck with him I. The office all day. She too will find its different to be married to him instead
of having a fling. And she and her chasten will be next in line for the guillotine. I also believe
that she will be another reader for this site eventually.
I have to keep telling myself I couldnt have what really wasnt and thats a hard pill to
swallow but Ill manage anyway.
28.Lynn on November 17, 2012 at 3:18 am said: I had typo errors in my above post. What he liked
to say was you need to treat me as number one because he treated me that way. What a joke. I
also wanted to clarify my comment that she too will find it different to be married to him and
not in a affair. I didnt have an affair with my ex before marrying him. What I meant was their
relationship will change once she is cemented in and the whole devaluation process will begin
for her too. I just hope her kids dont get swallowed up too.
Thanks for letting me vent. I have a long way to go for recovery still I see.
29.Anne on November 17, 2012 at 6:24 am said: This article came at just the right time. After 32
years of marriage he is gone, I am in the final stages of divorce and he left yesterday gone
when I got home from work I wouldnt ask when he would go. He knew but didnt say his
last bit of control. He has a problem with alcohol and along with narcissism its a vile mix
particularly as they age. huge sadness for the good times there were some but its many years
ago. By accepting him as he is I think I can find peace. I could aford to divorce him, my
children are older and have left home. my heart goes out to those of you trapped because of
finances and/or young children but divorce if married I now firmly believe is the only way to a
decent life.
30.Maria on November 17, 2012 at 7:57 pm said: OMG Melanie!!
Reading this article is like re-living the past. Almost everything you described in this last article
is something I have experienced myself, all the way to feeling suicidal and going crazy. The
good news is, 6 Months after leaving the narcissit I am a happy and strong woman again. Your
website and newsletter was one important butress in my recovery. So thank you!
Especially thank you for knowing so much about narcissist and helping so many people to see
clearly what is going on in their life. Thank you.
PS: And it makes me happy to know in hindsight, that it is my high level of integrity and desire
to be a good person that made me so vulnerable to his crazy game. Anyway thank you and
keep doing what youre doing there are ,amy more people suffering right now.
Ah Something else. If you havent read the book yet Influence by Robert Cialdini, I read it
and was thinking of you, thinking that it might give you new ideas on how narcissists trick their
victims into doing what they want. The book describes the basic psychological traps we can fall
into and that compliance specialists use to get us to do what we actually dont really want to do.
I dont know if it is coincidence or typical for narcissist, but the narcissist I was dating used
these traps on me and on other people. I would be curious to know what you think about this
book. Its worthn reading anyway.
Here is a link: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trying-to-make-the-narcissist-accountable-iskeeping-you-hooked/
Thanks, Maria
31.Randy on December 8, 2012 at 2:09 am said: Hi Mel, This article was a light bulb moment for
me. This is exactly what was happening and I can see my part in the crazy dance of trying to
make her accountable and judging her. So many arguements and so much energy and things
never changed over two years. I thought I was going crazy trying to get her to see or take
accountability. I will remember forever to not judge but to accept people for what they do and
dont and have the true power to know that they are not in align with my true self and need not
be in my reality. I took on her wrongs and thought I can fix her.. I think most of my anger and
resentment towards her left me in minutes. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted of me and
the power to let her go completley is near. Thanks Mel xxo
32.Matt on December 18, 2012 at 7:30 pm said: Hi againwelll very early days for me yet. Its
been 2 hell months since I seperatedfailed mediations etc etcstress is up, emotions
shattered, nil self worth..but my kids are the most important thing right now, and forever.
Thanks for all you offer Meli must stop looking for answers from my ex. All my answers are
here!.thank you so much
33.mary on January 26, 2013 at 9:43 am said: your website has been a lifesaver for me. Thanks so
much for bringing narcissistic abuse to light. Whenever I find myself feeling totally crazy from
trying to make things right I revisit your site and set myself straight .there is no working
things out with my N partner, because he doesnt want things to work out. After 16 years, youd
think Id wake up!
One thing I can say about sticking around to try some more, the more I observe whats going on
the more I realize that this is NOT my truth as you would say. Thanks so much Melanie!!!
34.Betty House on February 1, 2013 at 7:07 am said: Melanie This site is amazing. Was married
for 41years before I finally cashed it in. I waited for my children to be in a place they could be
self sufficient. From the first year we were married I knew something was wrong but having
come from a physically as well as psychologically abuse upbringing I at first thought it was
me. Then when seeking help was told because he was a Pychologist and quiet he couldnt or
wouldnt do the things I was concerned about. I must be misreading his almost genious IQ and
behavior. My life has so many similarities to people who have posted it is not funny. It feels
like a clone. This past year I looked for help from a Domestic Violence counseling agency
located in another city and county. I was accepted and the work has begun to put my life back
together. Your website fits so perfectly with what I am working on with them. The hook as
you call it is a perfect definition of what happened with me over and over and over. One of his
most often used phrases was I have been a mean rotten cruel husband, but the important part is
that I will do better and you survived. For years he had me teetering on thinking I was mentally
ill to the point he said he would get me committed and take our children and I would have no
contact with them. Of course I backed off and sought psychological help for myself where
in the same town as we lived and it ended up with people who knew him and he wouldnt go
for help. I felt like I was losing my mind and probably was in a way. My children have suffered
greatly as I was constantly putting myself between him and the kids or in some cases he would
name call and whatnot in front of them and I would just lose it. I wanted him and them to
understand that it just was not right. Am now worried about how to help my children overcome
the wrongs I managed to do in trying to keep them safe along with myself. It is just a mess. I
have been divorced now for 2 years and am still trying to get the financial end of it settled so I
am stable. Have run up two credit cards on legal and medical bills since I have no insurance.
Now along with the financial mess harassment has begun in the form of e-mails using my email address addressed to Mrs .. and then Dear New Wifes name. I have contacted all
the people who sent me the e-mails asked him to get it stopped but as of yet no follow
through he tells me that he has no way of knowing how they got the address. I have had the
address for over 16 years and especially the private companies didnt get it from thin air.
Control over me via his new wifes name. He married his graduate assistant 5 years older than
our daughter. The kids just want me to be happy and think that now I am divorced that this
emotion should just happen. Have been reading your blog some and working through the emails as they arrive. I see myself and see my x and am understanding why my self help and
counseling didnt work or even help in the long run. Thank you feel for the first time in awhile
that I can make all this come together. Going to take work and I wish I had a really good
support system but I was so isolated that isnt here. Not going to give up going to get a life
and I want my childrens life to be better as well. Thank You 35.Betty on February 1, 2013 at 7:10 am said: Can my last name be removed auto fill put my last
name in and I dont want to make any of my family uncomfortable or anyone else for that
matter. Thank You 36.Rosalind on February 8, 2013 at 11:31 pm said: That was beautifully written, and so very
thoughtful to those of us who may be so far entrenched in this horrible cycle. Its obvious that
you have been given a very meaningful purpose in communicating this information, and a have
very beautiful soul, taking on this purpose with diligence to carefully and lovingly help to mend
so many broken hearts. Thank you so much. This world needs more people like you.
37.debbie on February 9, 2013 at 7:17 am said: I just found out in counseling that my husband is a
narssicist. I couldnt believe it. I have been googling and searching, reading, comparing.
Not ALL of his traits are what I am reading. He isnt a liar or a cheat or physically mean nor
unreliable.
He IS selfish, manipulative, controlling. So then I get confused as to if he really is a N. The
counselor should know better than me.
I move out almost a year ago but we have been trying to work well I should say I HAVE. He
doesnt read or acknowledge articles I send to him, or he will say this isnt us (toxic
relationship).
When my son died, he treated me horrible. I made excuses for him for a long time. My son went
to prison, he never supported me on that. He went to his sentencing and I think that was because
my ex husband was going. When my mother died, he said you arent paying me enough
attention. WHAT???? I should have walked out then. He told me that he didnt want to be
married to me anymore because You have too many grandkids.
I dont think I am going back. I am still seeing a counselor to make sure I understand WHY I
need to stay away.
38.Rachael on February 21, 2013 at 8:14 pm said: I stumbled over your info Afew weeks ago after
my now expartners mum suggested he was narcissist.
It is him all over and reading all this is a relief to know its not me and he does have a
personality disorder.
Im still at the stage of trying to do no contact but it is really hard not to get sucked back in at
times especially since we have a three month old baby. He uses her and contact to try and get at
me.
I made the mistake of trying to make him see the problem as he appeared to know he had one,
after seeking so called help etc he took only a week to do something hurtful again.
He will try anything to get my attention but only when the dating sites are quiet!!!
I know we cant get back together, I cant inflict the cycle on myself again. I was also
financially drained and in debt for his luxury items!!! If it were to continue Id have lost my
house.
In moments of weakness I just come back to the emails you have sent me and have a little read
just to bring me back to reality again. I also found it useful to make myself a list of all the awful
things he did to me as a reminder not to fall for it again.
Its really hard but thanks for the helpso glad its free, my finances are grim at the moment
due to narcypants!!!!!
39.Michelle on February 24, 2013 at 1:17 pm said: I agree 100% that trying to make a narc
accountable is like trying to hold water in your hands. I have just recently given up a lifelong
battle to do so. I am certain thet every important relationship I have ever had-romantic/friends
or otherwise has been with a narcissist. I believe this is because I was the scapegoat in growing
up in a narcissistic family. I have been looking for ways to heal and have found nothing (up till
now) that approached the topic from a vibrational/energetic perspective (which is where
everything is created). Do you have any info available to help someone raised as the scapegoat
in a narcissistic family?
40.Denise on March 10, 2013 at 4:47 pm said: It is very unfortunate how destructive narcissistic
behavior is. Their sly and quick manner of finding and capturing a new victim is extremely
troubling.
Please continue to promote narcissistic awareness, so victims will get out of a situation before
serious damage occurs. I wish I would have had access to your articles several years ago.
Do you have any information on the thought processes (awareness levels) of the narcissist? I am
interested to know if they are cognizant of their actions on any level?
41.Laura on March 12, 2013 at 7:02 am said: Thank you! I so needed to hear this today! Six days
ago I found out my boyfriend of the last 11 months is married. When we met he told me he was
a single father/widower with 3 boys and that his wife died in childbirth 5 years ago. The whole
relationship was a lie. He used me, manipulated me, appealed to my pity, took advantage of my
good and trusting nature, and made me feel guilty and wrong when I questioned him. He used
all the classic narcissistic tricks. I have been obsessing about it since I discovered he is married.
I feel sick when I think about all the times he told me the kids would cry in the middle of the
night because they missed their mother and how I could never understand how hard that was for
him. That as a single parent all of the burdens were on him. Ive been thinking about how I want
to get the truth out of him and make him accoutable for lives he is destroying. The thing is, he
would only tell me more lies. I am wasting my time and energy thinking Im going to get him to
see the error of his ways. I know I need to let it go and move on. I am not responsible for nor
can I control his behavior but I can chose to get him out of my head and out of my life.
42.grace on March 23, 2013 at 5:42 am said: By preying on your need for integrity the narcissist
has set you up to lose your mind.
wow. woah. that really hit home. and reading the list of how the narc targets your integrity.. well
it was a little re-triggering for a moment, but very enlightening. wowza. such deep, penetrative,
ambient abuse
43.Shobha on March 24, 2013 at 4:04 pm said: Reading every word you put there and Im
realizing just how damaged I am. My N husband really started to show his full blown true
colors two months ago even though its been happening in cycles over our 5 year marriage. It
was because I finally stopped caving in and groveling for forgiveness (which in the first place I
had no right to do) that I am now seeing just how deceptive, uncaring and dangerous he is. I still
cannot seem to come to terms with the man I married and this seeming monster. Im suddenly
suffering from anxiety and waking at strange hours of the night, when I see its past 1am and he
is out there having a good time while he is totally unconcerned of my state. I do do need help in
dealing with this. I never expected in my entire life to be in this state. I just feel I need your help
more than ever. Ive been deteriorating over 5 years and its a painful realization. The more Ive
tried to make him accountable for his actions its like you said, its only backfiring. I cant seem
to get out of the rut I am in, many days Im good but then Im suddenly in a panic mode when
Im alone with my thoughts for too long. I just wish I could see the sun over this dark cloud.
Can you help me please?
44.jennie on March 25, 2013 at 8:05 am said: N Husband of 15.5 years, divorce granted two weeks
ago. N mother. Raising a mentally ill daughter who was abused as an infant and is also a Narc.
Melanie, do not forget to touch on the subject of repeating patterns in life!!!!
45.Chapter IV on May 8, 2013 at 6:54 am said: Hands down this is the most helpful article I have
read in my recovery. It flipped a mental switch in my mind that has allowed me to exit the dance
with my abuser. Whenever I start to feel triggered I re-read this and it helps me maintain no/low
contact. Just as my abuser has the right to be who he is I have the right to determine the distance
I put between us. Thank you.
46.Dee on May 13, 2013 at 7:03 pm said: I just wanted to say that I found your website a few
months back after making a break from my N and I cannot explain the relief it bought me to
read the stories of other women/men that were living my life in very sad and exact detail- what
started as the most amazing love of my life gradually turned into a life shattering nightmare
the highest highs followed by soul destroying abuse on every level from him despite my
constant forgiveness and love. I bought your programme and got as far as the first session, felt
amazing and bam he was back, telling me he had realised how sick he was and that I was the
one and he would do anything to have me backI resisted and stood my ground but he
gradually wore me down..all the time in my head I was saying go back and finish the
programme but my heart was saying its ok, you dont need it- he has promised this time
blah blah blah.so 3 weeks of romance stained with the niggling abuse and when I stood up for
myself he told me I was crazy and he wants nothing to do with methis above article came in
an email to me today and the timing could not be betterI have been calling and textin him for
two days trying to explain why I stood up for myself and why I deserve betterhe has been
ignoring me, which was making me feel like I was losing my mind and the injustice of it all
making me feel so worthless that I actually considered killing myself so that it could all just
stopand then I read this and the comments above and I realise that Im not alone and there is a
light at the end of the tunnel. One ladies comment relating the idea of getting a N to be
accountable is like holding water in your hands hit me like a steam train- thank you all so
much for sharing and to Mel for her mind blowing insight into surviving this nightmare. So for
me its back to the programme and to anyone who can afford it, if the first chapter is anything to
go by its worth every cent and more. Xx
47.Amy Williams on June 8, 2013 at 12:50 am said: so 3 weeks of romance stained with the
niggling abuse and when I stood up for myself he told me I was crazy and he wants nothing to
do with methis above article came in an email to me today and the timing could not be
betterI have been calling and textin him for two days trying to explain why I stood up for
myself and why I deserve betterhe has been ignoring me, which was making me feel like I
was losing my mind
Exactly. He only wanted to rehook you so that HE could do the abandoning and humiliating
better for his image!
48.Raeanne on June 15, 2013 at 11:28 pm said: Wow. This is a great article! Can you write one
pertaining how this abuse affects ones physical health as well? Mine is suffering. I just got
tested for cancer which thankfully was negative. However you would think the narc would be
concerned and anxious about the results. But no. I should know better. He proceeds to tell me all
about the details of his dayfor three hours. When he finally asks me about my results then
makes a cruel joke about maybe I have HIV instead. I simply told him not to be the hind end of
a donkey. That ended the topic but what hurts is there was no concern nor compassion. Again
I should know better by now.
49.Stacy-Ann on June 18, 2013 at 6:27 am said: This article really resonated with me. They are
truly timely. I separated from my narcissistic husband 9 months ago and in the process of
divorce. However, I have been having a huge issue with the upcoming wedding of my
neighbour who is presently cheating on his fiancee mere weeks away from their wedding. I
actually saw him with the other woman and it has offended me so much that I feel that I cant
go to their wedding now. I feel that I am being judgemental because not only is it wrong, it was
wrong when my husband was cheating and this particular guy was one of the people who knew
and stood by and watched him humiliate me in front of friends,neighbours and family. I feel that
not only is it wrong but to go the wedding is participating in the deception which I just dont do.
So should I just practise acceptance and go? I know that people are free to do as they wish but I
think that I just dont have to be a part of it as I will be violating my integrity and my wounds
are still fresh from being through that mess myself. I feel that I will go to that wedding with so
much negativity that it will be better for everyone if I am not there. Plus my ex will be there
along with other neighbours who know of our separation. The all are eagerly waiting to see
what will happen when we see each other again mixed with drinks and romance in the air. I
want absolutely no part of it! I can accept that this guy will live his life as he chooses and his
future wife will come to know about in her time. As for me I think its fair for me not to want to
have any part of it.
50.Raeanne on June 19, 2013 at 12:53 pm said: Hi Stacy-Ann. Let me share a story. 30 years ago
my BFF was engaged to Mr. Perfect. Three weeks before the wedding he was caught cheating. I
begged her to back out but she just couldnt do it. I declined to be in the wedding which caused a
split in the friendship for a few years. Yet we still managed to remain friends over time. She was
married to him for 20 years..and finally divorced him. So as ugly as it might getthis woman
needs to be told about her fiance. Better that than living decades of lies and smokescreens. If I
was told truth to begin with I could have at least made an informed decision. A woman deserves
truth.
GemGirl on April 9, 2014 at 10:43 am said: Raeanne wrote: This woman needs to be
told about her fiance.
But whose job is it to tell?
That really is her fiances responsibility to say he cant be faithful(he wont reveal this,
of course).
Anyone else who tells her will be likely be hated or viewed judgmentally by the woman
who is about to marry.

Some people like direct proof for themselves, rather than to base a major life decision on
what someone else told them. Afterall, other people can and do lie for a variety of
reasons.
And those on the outside dont really know what agreements people in a relationship
may have.
A lot of factors are involved. Seeing a man with another woman is not the same as
catching them in bed, so I personally would hesitate to tell someone about their partner
unless I could offer proof.
51.Stephanie on June 26, 2013 at 4:41 am said: I needed this article so much. I have been dealing
with a Narc for several years. We have just recently split and it has been tough. My whole life I
have been trying to figure out what happened (since we started dating on and off at the age of
14), and get it right in mind. Im one that needs a conclusion, and I admit I have been trying to
get him to hold himself accountable for what he has done. I realize now that no amount of
talking or volleying back and forth is ever going to bring him around to admitting that he has
done anything wrong and that I have been helping to create the hell that I have been living in. I
just had no idea. Thank you so much for sharing you have literally changed my life for the
better since I found this website.
52.Sgirl on July 2, 2013 at 3:34 am said: This article is perfect Melaniethank you! Im 45 days
into NO CONTACT and this time its going to stick because with the helpful words of wisdom
and info Ive read on your site and others Ive learned a lot about myself and the monster I was
dealing with. The best thing Ive realized is I have a low self esteem problem, & thats how he
got his hooks in me to begin with. I wanted abf soooo bad, an h was the most gorgeous and
sexy man Id EVER seen (even to this day)with a sexy deep voice as well! Im now working
on that, and @ 53 years old & mostly a bunch of rotten choices of men Im maintaining better
boundaries and self love. I am more aware @ the beginning when meeting new men to be
conscious of their actions and words, so I can get a better feel for who they are before I get all
goo goo eyed over them. Im all eyes and ears now! The info you wrote is dead on who my ex
was. (I felt like emailing it to him so he would see hat I was talking aboutlolbut that would
be just what this article says NOT to do, because THEY DONT CARE!!!! Mine lasted almost
4 years, on again off again @ least 100 times. You know theres something BAD wrong, but you
keep hoping for a logical explanation for it, that things will change or that hell see the light.
Then you walk away and he comes begging for you to come back, he DOES change back into
the accountable decent man you thought you fell in love with in the beginningonly then he
returns back to the hateful demon again (his true self I now know), full of lies, hurt and
manipulation after he knows he has you back. I figured out he jumps back & forth between me
& 2 other women, one of them the gals he was with before me. So even when he & I were
ON, it drove me crazy wondering if one of them had slithered in during the night, or if he
went by to see them. Finally, when he wouldnt change his # & move in with me or to different
place I knew for sure I couldnt take it anymore after a old gf called &left a msg I found. It will
drive you crazy wen you cant trust someoneand thats NOT love! I wish I would have walked
away years ago, but I am glad for the lessons meeting the devil showed me. I have a lot to work
on myself! I miss his dog we raised with mine very much, but I have to let him go too.
Thanks for everything!
53.Sandy on July 10, 2013 at 3:57 am said: Mel, I think this is one of your best articles yet! Full of
wisdom, overflowing with compassion, bubbling with insight, spiritually loving, and right on
point! This reminds me of the well-known quote that says, Whatever you resists, persists. I
didnt fully understand the meaning and depth of that quote until I read your article today. Now
I finally get it!
Sadly, I am presently experiencing the narcissists heartless discard and destroy tactics. My
professional career, finances, personal and family relationships, health and well-being, material
possessions, and overall welfare have taken a tremendous beating, been lost, and/or completely
destroyed. Just the way the narcissist wants itto strip their victim bare and void of all the
essentials needed for survival. The full impact of the N-abuse has really knocked the wind out
of my sails, ripped apart my heart, shattered my life, left me in absolute poverty, and brought
me to my knees. But, as long as I can take a breath,I have another chance to begin again. Even if
that means crawling to get there.
So now, at almost 60 years oldIm in the process of sorting through what little remains,
patching up my wounds, learning my lessons, and preparing to leave my N-FOO forever. And I
plan to burn the bridges, sink the boats, and bolt the doors behind me when I depart. I want to
Live instead of just simply existing. I want and deserve a Life!
Mel, I cant begin to tell you how much you and the rest of our supportive community has
continually inspired me to keep moving forward. To rise again and again when I thought I
couldnt get up. I am so grateful to you all. Thank you, dear lady, and much love too.
54.Raeanne on July 13, 2013 at 1:52 pm said: You too are an inspiration! To be so brave and true to
yourself is an example we should all follow.
55.Sarah on July 16, 2013 at 10:12 pm said: Dear melanie, can you answer one question: how do
you detach when you still love them?
I am going to be honest and tell you that underneath all the horribleness, I see his vulnerability
and hurt. It makes me feel for him. I KNOW what that feels like! And that makes me feel
attached to him even though he hurts me. Does this make sense?
What do I do with this? I hope you are able to answer, thanks
56.Melanie Tonia Evans on July 17, 2013 at 3:05 pm said: Hi Sarah, peptide addiction feels like
love. It is chemical dependency literally and also trauma bonding.
When you read and go through many more of my articles especially the one on Trauma
Bonding you will start to understand.
Real love does not feel like the horror, despair and abuse that narcissisti relationships comprise
of. When you heal the unhealed parts of yourself which equate to love equlas abuse or I
deserve love at this abusive level I promise you you will have no attraction or love feelings
for the narcissist and you will have a deep abiding love and appreciation for yourself. Then
you will naturally gravitate towards real and healthy people.
I hope this helps. Mel xo
57.Joe on August 19, 2013 at 7:36 am said: Thanks for this one. I finally clicked over to this article
from one of the newsletters and the information is helpful. I find myself in a stuck place. I
offered myself up to a pair of narcissists one I thought of as an adopted daughter and the
other an adopted brother. No point in going over the sordid details, but suffice it to say I
disengaged from them a few months ago, and felt damn proud of it. Aside from the usual bumps
in the road that you write about in your articles, I find myself stuck in a rut: it has become
obvious that the two are maligning and injuring my integrity to other mutual friends, and the
efforts seem to be successful, as all of the others in our small circle are no longer returning my
calls/texts/email. I guess I should have realized that I was going to be walking away from more
than just the two, but I find myself caught up in obsessing about the great injustice of it all. Im
trying to live by what one of my old friends once said What people say behind my back is
none of my business but thats a hard habit to adopt. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom
with all who are trying to heal!
58.CONSTANCE DRIVER on August 29, 2013 at 3:41 pm said: I LOVE this article!!
EVERYTHING You describe here fits my situation PERFECTLY!! You really understand and
your website here have truly helped me ALOT!!! Thank You so much for the GREAT Words of
Wisdom and support!!
59.Susan on September 26, 2013 at 4:17 pm said: Wow. Thanks for taking the time to share with
us these truths and insights. It has been really helping me to understand what has been going
on in my relationship.
I had that intuition that it was crazy making, but for some reason I still thought that it was me.
I can only consume an article once a week to chew on it for a bit before I can move on. I wish
that I could afford your program, but at this time I cannot. I am sure that it would really be
helpful!
This article hit a ton right on the head and it gave me the courage to want to be free inside from
years of this trauma. I can just imagine that freedom.
8 months ago, I moved out, from another country back to the states and I have not understood
anything until a month ago when I stumbled onto your site. Most of the time, I spent trying to
get validation from the narc of the wrong that caused me to leave in the first place. An
apology, or something. You hit the personality right on the head and all I can say is wow. I
thought I was alone in this and felt really stupid and embarrassed that I allowed this to happen
to me, not only once after 21 years of marriage but twice for another 9 years. Amazing.
haha, Now I must go back (to Italy) to pack up my thingsalone and I am scared to do so
fearing that he will grip me right back into his world. I should print this article and take it with
me as a reminder of what the reality is and my own self worth.
Thanks
60.Jay on October 26, 2013 at 11:06 pm said: I stumbled upon your website just days after my narc
husband kicked me out of the house, kept our 4 children and left me alone in a country where I
have no family, friends and just my handbag and my mobile. Reading the articles and the
ebooks has opened my eyes fully to what kind of a person my husband really is. Ive had my
suspicions but I just couldnt imagine that my husband is one. I am now slowly regaining my
true self and slowly breaking away from his hold, understanding that the things he does is with
the aim of getting a reaction from me. The more he does that, and the more I resist to react, the
stronger I become. I have a very important goal now to achieve, which is to gain my
independence and to get my children back. I am so very afraid that he will be so convincing in
court, that he can get everyone to lie for him, that the judge will favour him, I have only the
hope that my truth will prevail but I am prepared for the worst.
I cant just accept my fate and try and start a new life on my own without trying first to fight for
my children.
61.plan cul on November 28, 2013 at 3:28 pm said: fantastic put up, very informative. I wonder
why the other experts
of this sector do not notice this. You should continue your writing.
I am confident, you have a huge readers base already!
62.now i can breathe on January 4, 2014 at 6:35 pm said: your article above was something I was
desperately looking to read at this moment, it gave me the ray of hope I needed now to be
strong, be sure of myself and my integrity and move on NOW. your an angel and have a gift
with your delivery and wording. thank you god bless you
63.Kathleen on January 8, 2014 at 1:29 am said: This is just the lesson I was looking for. It really
points out the difference between a normal, caring human being and someone who appears evil
and probably is. I especially like the quote and need to think of my own even though I have no
contact at the moment. In an email it would be easier as there is time to think and edit. Thank
you for showing me that you are a different kind of person to me etc.. However, I will
probably never need to do this in reality as no contact is the best way. But it is good to keep
such words in mind when the bad behaviour of the narcissist comes to the fore. Thank you.
64.Eliza on January 19, 2014 at 11:27 pm said: thank you . i am learning your materials are
SPOT on. the narcissist i deal with is a sibling not a spouse but still your lessons hold true. my
sibling narcissist fights dirty and shreds me to pieces in each conversation. she makes up rules
as she goes, she lies, denies, projects, and attacks and then INSISTS we communicate more! we
care for our elderly parents and so i cannot completely sever ties but i am doing better. yours,
65.Eliza on January 20, 2014 at 1:37 am said: sorry didnt see the first post actually post. can you
take down my last name and second comment. never have written in to a blog.
66.Angela Longford on February 9, 2014 at 4:14 pm said: Wonderful readings and too feel that I
am not alone or going insane really helps.
Not to take on the NP behaviour is so helpful as there is no one able to make the right choice
except yourself. So when there is caring response from the NP and only rage and abuse thats
totally a lie or out of context let it be ..dont take it on.. thanks Melanie such a supportive
website you have.
67.Brenda on May 12, 2014 at 8:51 pm said: Im so glad I found your website. I have been trying
to fix this man for 26 years and have lost so much of myself, my joy, my peace. Thank you so
much. When my therapist suggested he may be narcissistic and suggested I look online for
information, I had my doubts but now I wish I had not wasted half of my life. This is the first
time in 25 years that I feel like my life is going to get better and I do not spend my nights
thinking about how great it will be when I die and escape from him. I am going to find a way to
leave while I am alive and I want to thank you for that.
68.Anne on June 10, 2014 at 12:54 pm said: This post arrived at the right time once againI
understand the whole part of him never being accountable and letting go, but how do you do
that when you have two little children and that the only way to try to get any kind of protection
for them in parenting is to ask for him to go through psychological counselling, drug tests, your
child to go in counselling etc. He will not consent to any of that so we are heading to a trial
which will be a huge narcissistic supply for him I guess. I just cant let go of these measures I
would like for the children without a fight, no matter what a judge will decide in the end and no
matter the fact that I feel paralyzed by fear with this prospect. I also want to try to do everything
to keep my address private, which Ive been told a judge might order me to disclose it in the
end. Im at the risk of losing all I ever owned to attempt to protect the children and me: is it
wrong, foolish, a lost cause? I still cant believe that after you leave a person like that, life can
feel more hellish some days; right now, 11 of the 12 years I spent with that man almost feel like
it was a piece of cakeThat said, I would never go back and Ive had moments of pure joy
since then but how long can you fight that type of person and hope that someone will
understand your fears??
Thank you for the posts, they are very helpful, today is just a bad day, tomorrow will be better.
xxx
69.Rachel Murray on August 3, 2014 at 4:57 am said: I find your website and these news bites so
very helpful especially this one. However the one point I struggle with is how do I relate this
to how I deal with my Mum? Walking away seems possible with a partner/husband etc, but not
so easy with a Mum?
Im also worried about how to deal with the fallout of this choice..with my Dad, siblings &
my own children (her grandchildren).
Any guidance MUCH appreciated. Thank you
70.Katey on September 11, 2014 at 11:10 pm said: I love this article. This is exactly what I do. Its
horrible! I have the NARP program but I havent done it like I should. 20 years and 3
childrenspending time explaining how he hurts me with a blank star on his facebelieving
every time, he HAS to get it now. He doesnt want to see me cry anymore Im sure. 4 years now
divorced and he send texts constantly on my lack of accountability. Over and over telling me
Im not accountable. Trying to figure out what he means??? Then I have to rememberoh I
forgotHEs a narcissist! Hes projecting. Being in a relationship with him was like living
inside of a mirror.
71.Alex on September 12, 2014 at 2:14 am said: This is a rather interesting article it interesting we
do not get the input of a narcissist. I guess I am the narcissist in our relationship by my wifes
standards. While I do agree I fall into some of these categories, a big difference is I do hold
myself accountable and do take accountability, I do not like to argue the circular arguments that
we often have. My wife seems to think that I do not partner with her, I do things just to piss her
off. I disagree with that on so many different levels. We have been married for many years, we
go through our ups and downs, but every time we have an argument there is no resolution, my
wife starts looking up things about my behavior and posts them on social media about what a
monster I am. I find it interesting because I take accountability, give her the answers she may or
may not want to hear. Yet, the answers are never good enough! I do not slander her in any way,
the way she does me. In many cases the name calling and remarks come from her. I do feel
terrible about the things I have done during our marriage, but at the same time when does she
need to take accountability for her actions? I do respect my wife and what she has to say, I do
take the time to listen. We have both done quite a bit of growing in our relationship, but we still
both seem to speak a different language when it comes to fair fighting. So I guess this makes me
the narcissist? Interestingly enough, I am not the one gives the silent treatment, goes off in rages
and treats the other like a child. I am not the one who airs our dirty laundry on social media, I
want it resolved. I care for this woman deeply, and want resolve to our issues. I hate being
treated like a child, getting the silent treatment etc. When I do go to apologize, I start off being
sincere, but usually it she says something that makes me not want to apologize.I have a voice in
the marriage as well and want to be heard!
72.Cynthia on September 12, 2014 at 5:24 am said: This article is great, however when you have a
child with a narcissist, you cant take most of these actions to remove yourself from the
equation and be healthy. I have a toddler with my ex and it feels like you are trapped in a prison
of abuse with them. You can choose to let them do what they want and not observe or look at
anything they do because you cant stop them, however as a parent it is your instinct to protect.
It is the worst kind of hell and I wouldnt wish it on anyone.
Katey on September 13, 2014 at 12:41 am said: Cynthia, I feel your pain. I wanted mine
to stop introducing our daughters to all his girlfriends, sisters in Christ, colleagues, a
friend whom he has a room at her house when he stays in that city, etcno kidding I
think there has been close to 30 or more over the course of 4-5 years. But I have never
really been allowed to state a want. I will be shut down immediately with a rage
against mehe will make stuff up if he needs to or have enough truth in it to just make
you cry. So what do you do? Pray that all the girlfriend introductions doesnt affect their
growth and ability to have a healthy relationship in the future. I dont know what else to
do because you certainly cant FORCE accountability as seen in this article. Its futile
and exhausting
73.violet on September 15, 2014 at 9:52 am said: I was married to a narcissistic husband for 7 1/2
years. This explains everything so horribly well. It was a wretched cycle. Unknown to me for
our marriage, he was molesting our daughter. Sometimes, there are things you can judge in a
person and say, this is WRONG.
Otherwise, I am willing and learning in my life that the rest of this is quite true.
- See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trying-to-make-the-narcissist-accountable-is-keepingyou-hooked/#sthash.VRFw2adh.dpuf

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No One Believes YouPsychological Damage

The child is subjected to unbearable levels of ongoing abusescalding

the narcissist is doubly abusedOnce throughout childhood and another

Many children of narcissistic parents do survive although they have suffered

David Kelly says:

appearing to be a saint.He is Gandhi in public and Freddy Krueger in private.

"There is only one way and that is my way."

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Introduction

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a serious condition which affects an estimated 1% of the

NPD Characteristics & Traits

Intimidation - Any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - The DSM Criteria

What it feels like to live with someone with NPD

Movies Portraying Narcissistic Personality Disorder Traits

relationship is sometimes used to illustrate the relationship between personality-disordered

40.5% of all child abuse is committed solely by biological mothers

Perfectionism - The maladaptive practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic,

The Role of Religion In Child Abuse

What Happens When the Children Grow Up?

What it feels like:

Why abuse victims don't leave:

Coping with Abuse:

If you are abused, get to choose between 2 bad choices:

What NOT to Do:

Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression

abusing you. Staying during a rage is pure hell.

Parents Who Hurt Their Children

Who Is Abusing the Kids?

40.5% of all child abuse is committed solely by biological mothers

17.7% of all child abuse is committed solely by biological fathers

Gaslighting- The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual

Gaslighting is based on the 1944 MGM movie Gaslight.

Fathers Who Hurt Their Children

Treat your mother as less than an equal partner?

Were you ever disowned by your father for disappointing him?

Is The Narcissist Capable Of Loving?

adoring and even enjoy seeing his or her partner happy?

The Altruistic Narcissist

Narcissists Require Mirroring

(real) emotional information.

The Warning Signs

235 thoughts on Is The Narcissist Capable Of Loving?

Mothers Who Hurt Their Children

Mom knows best - right?

How Common is Child Abuse?

US Department of Health and Human Services Child Maltreatment Report 2001

US Department of Health and Human Services Child Maltreatment Report 2008

Who Is Abusing the Kids?

See Larger Chart

40.5% of all child abuse is committed solely by biological mothers

Examples of Common Dysfunctional Traits

to one child, subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.

US Child Custody Statistics

Sole possession granted to

Sole possession granted to

Possession granted to other

Child Support Statistics

Qualifications for becoming a Mother

Do you Love a Narcissist?

Do narcissists have a conscience?

The #1 Secret on How To Engage With a Narcissist

Posted: 09/08/2014 5:43

pm EDT Updated: 09/17/2014 9:59 am EDT