Author of Draft: Trung Tran [Subtract 276 from word count of this document]

Reviewer: Michael Brockman

**Review Based Upon Draft Downloaded @ 2:23pm, March 23rd, 2016**
This document is a peer review of author Trung Trans review document of the
video game Football Manager 2016.
1. After reading this document, how would you describe the current
rhetorical situation of the topic addressed? How does the document make
it clear, in the document itself, what exigency inspired the writing of the
document? How does it establish a motive that shows why the audience
isnt already convinced or aware of its argument? If any of these elements
are lacking or weak, how would you suggest that the author improves
them?
The current rhetorical situation revolving around this situation was the release
of the videogame Football Manager 2016. Although not explicitly stated in the
document (which should be fixed), I assume that the exigency that inspired
author Tran to write about the game would be his purchasing and experiencing
the game, wanting to share his experience and opinions with fellow gamers
and soccer fanatics. Based on the introductory paragraph, it appears that Tran
is motivated to explain why and how, although somewhat similar, the 2016
version of the game is better and different in comparison to older versions of
the same game. Trung links readers to a negative review of the game, and
implies that many people believe that there is no point in buying the new game
since it is so similar to previous versions. Clearly, Trung is motivated to disprove
this notion by writing this review of the new 2016 game version.
2. How does this document engage with the chosen audience? How does it
appeal to their wants and needs? In your best analysis, does it speak to
their knowledge base, or does it explain things they already know (or not
explain something enough)? Again, if there are elements of the audience
analysis that could be improved, explain how you would do that.
The document engages with the chosen audience by using somewhat advanced
soccer terms/references (I would assume, b/c I dont follow soccer and they
seem a bit advanced) to gain their interest. Because of this level of
technicality, Trung appeals to the audiences extensive soccer knowledge base,
and describes the game assuming that the reader is quite familiar with the

rules of soccer and previous versions of the game. The audience members want
to know why and if buying the new game is necessary, so by describing the
game and using stats regarding the game, Trung is able to appeal to these
desires, and ultimately satisfy the reader.
3. Whats the purpose of this document, and how is it made clear? What
choices does the author make (including design, rhetorical appeals,
evidence, and anything else you notice) to achieve this purpose? Most
importantly, do you think this document would be successful in achieving
its purpose? Why or why not?
The purpose of this document was to (1) inform readers of the changes made to
Football Manager for the 2016 edition and (2) persuade readers to purchase the
game by writing a positive review of the game. This purpose is made clear in
the opening paragraph when Trung states that negative reviews of the game are
wrong, and that FM16 is much more than that. Because of the information
delivered throughout the document, I feel that Trung was successful in
achieving his purpose. However, in order to confirm this, I would recommend
that Trung add a conclusion paragraph to the end of the document to
summarize his arguments and main points, and to drive his purpose home once
again.
It is obvious that Tran did his research and is very familiar with the game and
how it is played. This adds to his appeal to Ethos, since Tran is experienced and
credible with respect to playing this game. Throughout, Tran incorporates
various statistics about the game, which helps with his appeals to logos. Pathos
was not appealed to, mostly because emotional appeals wouldnt really fit well
with the authoritative, witty persona and casual tone utilized in the document.
No thought/effort was put into the design of the document. Images/
screenshots of gameplay should be incorporated into the document to be used
as evidence by the reader. Also, what type of publication is this document
being published in? Depending on its destination, the page format should be
adjusted to reflect the proper formatting for the publication medium (i.e.
adjust the margins, font, colors/borders, etc.).
4. Is the essay well organized? Does each paragraph discuss one topic,
introduced by a topic sentence? Is there a clear paragraph structure, and
transitions between the paragraphs? How would you recommend outlining
this essay?

In my opinion, yes, this essay is well organized. The intro paragraph discusses
the current skepticism (rhetorical situation) surrounding the game and gives a
somewhat detailed overview (appropriate level of description though) of the
game for those newbies who are less familiar with the game. Following these
two introductory paragraphs, the next three sections review and explain the
three different gameplay modes that are included in the game: Career Mode,
Draft Mode, and Create-A-Club Mode. The organization up to this point was
relatively strong; however, there is no concluding paragraph. I would highly
recommend a conclusion paragraph to summarize the three modes of gameplay
and give the reader one final reason (or more!) why they should ultimately
purchase the 2016 Football Manager game.
Within the three middle sections, the paragraphs did not really have any
transitions to connect between them. I would recommend adding these into
each paragraph to improve the flow of the essay and to prevent the reader
from getting lost. I like the way the content itself is organized though, so the
only issue in terms of organization is the lack of transitions.
In terms of paragraphs, Im not sure if bullet points for the pros and cons
sections are appropriateI would check with Prof. Enos to confirm that this
type of structures is okay. I believe that the essay would flow better if the
pros and cons sections under each gameplay mode were turned into
paragraphs (with transitions!), but ultimately that decision is up to you and
Prof. Enos.
5. How is the writing style of the document? Is the voice confident and clear?
How would you describe the persona of this document (which may evolve
throughout the course of the document)? Are there specific moments where
the persona shifts randomly? Finally, are there any grammatical issues the
author needs to be aware of?
I really like the writing style and persona of this document. When author Tran
announced his topic in class, I questioned how this topic could be made
interesting, but the writing style and terminology that Tran used throughout
the document succeeded in making the review engaging.
Tran utilized a casual tone, while creating an authoritative yet slightly
humorous persona, incorporating witty terms and commentary, in order to keep
the audience engaged and keep them on his side. While discussing the various
aspects and specifications of the game, Tran used a confident, clear voice to

deliver the information to the reader. The persona and tone were consistent
throughout, and there were no moments where the persona shifted randomly.
Throughout the document, there are a few instances where some words missing
from sentences. A suggestion to improve this issue would be to either (1) read
the document aloud to recognize these errors, or (2) ask a peer or friend to
read the document and recognize the errors. A run of spelling/grammar check
may help as well, but I think that reading the whole essay aloud would result in
the recognition of most, if not all, missing words and minor grammatical errors.