VERA, OR THE NIHILISTS

A monologue from the play by Oscar Wilde

CZAR: Vera, the Nihilist in Moscow! O God, were it not better to die
at once the dog's death they plot for me than to live as I live now!
Never to sleep, or, if I do, to dream such horrid dreams that hell itself
were peace when matched with them. To trust none but those I have
bought, to buy none worth trusting! To see a traitor in every smile,
poison in every dish, a dagger in every hand! To lie awake at night,
listening from hour to hour for the stealthy creeping of the murderer,
for the laying of the damned mine! You are all spies! You are all spies!
You worst of all--you, my own son! Which of you is it who hides these
bloody proclamations under my own pillow, or at the table where I
sit? Which of ye all is the Judas who betrays me? O God! O God!
methinks there was a time once, in our war with England, when
nothing could make me afraid. [This with more calm and pathos.] I
have ridden into the crimson heart of war, and borne back an eagle
which those wild islanders had taken from us. Men said I was brave
then. My father gave me the Iron Cross of Valour. Oh, could he see me
now, with this coward's livery ever in my cheek! [Sinks into his
chair.] I never knew any love when I was a boy. I was ruled by terror
myself, how else should I rule now? [Starts up.] But I will have
revenge; I will have revenge. For every hour I have lain awake at
night, waiting for the noose or the dagger, they shall pass years in
Siberia, centuries in the mines! Ay! I shall have revenge. I am done
with half measures. I shall crush these Nihilists at a blow. There shall
not be a man of them, no, nor a woman either, left alive in Russia. Am
I Emperor for nothing, that a woman should hold me at bay? Vera
Sabouroff shall be in my power, I swear it, before a week is ended,
though I burn my whole city to find her. She shall be flogged by the
knout, stifled in the fortress, strangled in the square! For two years
her hands have been clutching at my throat; for two years she has
made my life a hell; but I shall have revenge.