You spend lots of time to introduce this article to us, and also mention the rhetorical

situation of the issue that Oscar lacks of diversity to imply that black actors get unfair treat. It
makes very easy for us to understand what this article about. In addition, you give the title and
website of this article, and if you can give us the authors name will be better. In the second
paragraph, you analyze who are the audiences of this article according the words that the author
chooses. And also, you give a good explanation of the purpose why people read this article. You
also have done great job of analyzing the focus of this article, which shows what the author
wants to achieve by this article. You talk about the design of using a black movie picture and the
tone of this article. However, you could still write about the rhetorical appeal and the genre of
this article.
There is only few quote used in this analysis. Even though you introduce this article very
well, you can still use more quotes to make you analysis more expressive. Dont forget use
citations after quotes. You have the idea of use introduction and explanation before and after a
quote, but you can still develop it more, because it can make the quote support your idea more
powerful. As you mention that this article is short, it may be hard for you to choose quotes, but
you can show that picture to us and analyze it.
Your structure is very clear divided by paragraph, and you talk one topic in each
paragraph, which makes your idea flow well. However, you do not have transition sentences and
topic sentences, although I can understand what are you talking about for each paragraph. And
also I think you need a conclusion paragraph. It can be short, but it is necessary to use it discuss
whether this article is successful or not. Also, you can make your structure move creative, such
as change the order of your paragraph that makes us more interested in you essay. However, I am

confused about your third paragraph, maybe you can make it more clear and fit in you essay
perfectly.
You writing style is expressive and easy for us to read and understand your idea. You
keep a serious tone though the whole essay, which makes you sound logical and confident. I like
your introduction paragraph that you mention the racism issue in our life, so that you use ethos to
let us support you emotionally and feel that this topic matters for us, which is a good strategy to
begin your essay, because as you start it, we automatically stand behind you.
As conclusion, you have a good start of your essay, even though it is only a rough draft. I
believe that you will finish it strong as long as you make your structure better, use more quotes to
support yourself and above all analyze all elements.

Lanxing Wei
Professor Enos
First Year Write Multiling Writer
Peer Review
28 January 2016
Peer Review For Karim Younans Draft

Does the author thoroughly discuss each element listed in the assignment prompt? Does
the essay go into depth, discussing not just what choices were made but why? If not, what
is missing and where can improvements be made, specifically?
Unfortunately, Younan doesnt discuss all the elements that required. The elements he misses
is the rhetorical appeal, ending, and citation. I am not quite sure if he discusses the rhetorical
situation or not, because he does not state it clearly.
Younan indeed discusses the elements in depth. I like his audience and purpose part. In the
audience part, he not only explains his thought well, but also considers the race, sex, religion,
and educational level. In the purpose part, his explanation proves he has a good understanding of
the article he chooses. His explanation is also going well in the other part, whereas his analysis
always without quotations. Also, I am confused about the third paragraph. Its not about
rhetorical analysis but more like an introduction. The transition in the third paragraph cannot
help me understand what this paragraph for.
For me, I have some suggestions for him. Initially, he should write the information about the
article before he begins to analysis it. The information includes the title, author and where does
he get it. I fell strange when he suddenly says The article in the second paragraph, which I
have no idea about it before. Second, before he is going to analysis the elements, he should

writes the keywords in the beginning of the paragraph. For example, when he is going to analysis
the persona, his beginning of the paragraph should include a word, persona. I believe this action
can help his audiences to catch his points immediately.

Does the essay thoroughly use quotes throughout to support the claims made? Are these
quotes analyzed afterward, or just dropped in without context?
Few quotations is the major minus of this essay. The only quotation appears in the third
paragraph. The quotation he uses indeed reflects the words he says before, and after the
quotation, he also further explains it. However, he needs more quotations, especially in the
design, persona, and genre part, because these paragraphs are too short. Quotation can not only
helps his explanation better, but also makes his article longer. For instance, his states, The
author is not using an angry tone in this article; he is just trying to prove a point using simple
vocabulary and examples.(paragraph 7). In order to prove it, I recommend him to quote a
sentence that both include tone and simple vocabulary and examples form the article he
chooses. I think this change is beneficial for his essay.

Is the essay well organized? Does each paragraph discuss one topic, introduced by a
topic sentence? Is there a clear paragraph structure, and transitions between the
paragraphs? How would you recommend outlining this essay?
I am still confused about the organization, for I think this article is an unfinished article and I
am not sure his purpose of the third paragraph. Certainly, each of his paragraphs only includes
one topic. However, I am not satisfied with its paragraph structure, because each of the paragraph
misses the topic sentence and the transition are not clear. About the paragraphs order, I feel fine
about it, but he need to remember to add the elements his misses. Hence, my advice for him is to
come up with the transition between paragraphs, and have a topic sentence of each paragraph to
summary the whole paragraph. Furthermore, I think the third paragraph need to be revised. I
recommend him to write the topic sentence clearer to state his main idea.

How is the writing style of the essay itself? Is the voice confident and clear? Are there
specific moments where the voice becomes too casual, or too awkward? Are there any
grammatical issues the author needs to be aware of? You arent expected to copyedit the
essaythats the authors jobbut if you see a mistake made several times, please point
it out.
The writing style of this essay is serious. Also, the voice is absolutely confident and clear, and
Younan is very careful about his voice throughout the whole essay. Nonetheless, less
grammatical issue is his merit, whereas I still have some recommendation for him. First, he can
try to use different vocabularies in a sentence. For example, he says, Racism is still something
that affects and has affected many lives.(paragraph 1). The affect appears two times in a
sentence, so I think its better to use other words, such as influence. Second, there are some input
errors that have to be corrected. For instance, amongst nominees(paragraph 1) should be
corrected to among storminess , and non of(paragraph 7) should be corrected to none of.
In addition, I find his title is as same as the article he chooses. I suggest him to come up with a
new title, because he cannot use the articles one.
All in all, this is a nice draft, and Younan does a good job. If he can improve his drawbacks,
his essay can be better.