Alani Letang

Alani.letang@yahoo.com
March 7, 2016
(734)277-7742
Slug: Paper B

75 / 100

~ ERROR KEY CODE ~

PLAGARISM Not your words
GRAMMAR / AP STYLE / FACT ERROR
WIND-UP / DOING TOO MUCH Says who?
You are posing hypotheticals/trying to make/get to/talk around
a point w/o stating opinion, when a quote from a source would do!
UNATTRIBUTED FACT / OPINION / POINT OF VIEW =
ASK YOURSELF: SAYS WHO? HOW DO I KNOW THAT?
You state a fact that is not common knowledge.
Your wording expresses or adopts a point of view.
Your wording shows agreement/disagreement with the source.
You employ creative writing style and/or modifying adjectives.
You include your HOPES & DREAMS FOR A BETTER WORLD.
YOUR VOICE HIGHLIGHTING YOU Says who?
You are narrating the action OR speaking directly to the reader.
Your facts/ thoughts/analysis/conclusions = essay style.
MIND READING WWW pg. 187 & 329
How do you know what your source thinks? Believes?
AWKWARD PHRASING
Stiff or confusing wording you would never use in conversation
Vague / Unclear / Confusing / Wordy
Confusing / Wordy
ORGANIZATION
Problem with ordering of information

Anita Sevier, community outreach coordinator for Gesu Catholic School in Detroit, said last year
her husband, INSERT NAME HERE, was a victim of gun violence.
But really? Did it have to happen? < who is speaking here WHO are you quoting???

speaking

directly to the reader

According to the Gun Violence Archive, not . . . an advocacy group. The mission of GVA is to document incidents of
gun violence and gun crime to provide raw, verified data to those who need to use it in their research, advocacy or writing, gun
violence is defined as, the results of all incidents of death or injury or threat with firearms
without pejorative judgement within the definition.
Her Sevier says that her husband was standing on the porch of their house when he felt two men
behind him, he then turned around and one man said to him, I dont want to hurt you, we just
want to come in, and we have a gun, Sevier said.
The man had first pointed the gun at her husbands chest, she said.

As soon as my husband said no, the shooter quickly lowered the gun to shoot him in the leg,
and, Sevier said, he was fortunate to live.
It all happened so fast, that if her husband had had a gun on him, he could not have pulled it out
quick enough, she said.
She says she knew something was wrong when she heard strange sounds as her husband was
taking the garbage out.
I heard an unfamiliar sound, not like a gun shot, and came running to the front door.
Sevier said her husband was lying on the front steps saying, help me, help me, call 911, Ive
been shot.
The Gun Violence Archive reported that more than 6,000 people have been injured to in nonfatal gun violence this year.
Sevier says that just because the attack was not fatal does not mean that there werent profound
impacts on the victim and the rest of her family, such as _________________________.
This shooting still effects her husband today, Sevier said.
He still doesnt walk normally, and never will.

Non-fatal takes on a whole new meaning. It still affects you, I was completely surprised that
something like this could happen the outreach coordinator said. [She had MUCH stronger
quotes on this point]
During the time of the shooting, she said, she was in disbelief and confusion of confused about
what happened, . I was asking the doctors, Will he run again? because I know he loved
running, not even realizing that he was alive and that was the most important fact.
Her husband who is a U.S District judge in Detroit, Sevier said, so her first opinion thought was
that the shooting had something to do with his job.
Maybe someone was upset with him for a certain conviction he might have given them.
Later, Sevier said, she found out the shooting was gang-related.
According to the 2011 National Gang Threat Assessment report, gangs are responsible for an
average of 48 percent of violent crime in most jurisdictions, the FBI reports.

The guy that was with the shooter turned him into the police, Sevier said.
My husband says it openly, that the shooter did not want to kill him but because of the size of
the gun, it brings on different charges, and in this case the charge was attempted murder, she
said.
The shooter could have but will not be charged with shooting a federal judge, but he will be
charged with attempted murder because of the size of the gun, she said, adding that the shooter
used a .45 caliber.
A .45 caliber is a type of handgun, and the Second Amendment of the United States Constitution
states, the right of people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

My husband says it openly that the shooter did not want to kill him but because of the size of
the gun, it brings on different charges, and in this case the charge was attempted murder, she
said.
This shooting still effects her husband today, Sevier said.
He still doesnt walk normally, and never will.