Professional Documents
Culture Documents
REVIEWS:
"High energy play for such a low energy candidate." - Donald Trump
The best work about a failed Presidential candidate since the Mitt Romney Netflix
documentary that youve probably never heard of.- Disgruntled Republican
Lets dispel the notion that Barack Obama doesnt know what hes doing. He knows exactly
what hes doing. - Marco Roboto Rubio
Jet fuel cant melt steel beams. - George Dubya Bush
Well not with THAT attitude. - Dick Dick Cheney
Hamilton was originally intended to be about Jeb! However, we thought at the time that it
would be more marketable if the script were reworked to be about Alexander Hamilton. Youve
shown us that we were wrong: a musical about the life of Jeb Bush is exactly what the world
needs right now. - The cast of Hamilton
JEB!
AN AMERICAN
DISAPPOINTMENT!
(Please Clap)
A story of the tortoise and the Hair (who shot him)
#YayJebby #PleaseClap
Authors
(PLEASE PUT YOUR NAME HERE IF YOU WORKED ON THIS)
PUT YOUR NAME NAME IN BOLD IF YOU PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO
IT, EITHER BY WRITING SONGS, EDITING A LOT OF SONGS,
DEVELOPING IMPORTANT PLOT/CHARACTER POINTS, ETC
Written by (in alphabetical order by last name):
Aliza Abarbanel
Anna Abraham
Chloe Arnold
Maitreyi Anantharaman
Lukia Artemakis
Adrian Belmes ( you unleashed the beast, you fuck) ily adrian
Emma Bilbrey
Rohit Biswas
Jessica Borin
Joshua Burton
Alexis Carel
Deborah Chai
Petrina Chan (She cute)
Brandon Chang
Michael Chin
Phoebe Clark
Alex Cohen
Zach Cohen (wow so many cohens)
Rachel Cohn
Joshua Cross-Barnet
Sam Daitzman
Lauren Dattilo
Payton De La Cruz
Zach De Ocampo (Another one -DJ Khaled) LOL Zach Lol
Katie DeWitt
Mary Warren Dickens
Forest Edwards
Zach Ehrlich
Alejandro Espinosa
Ross Floyd
Haley Fica
Stephen Friedrich (so many stephen/stefans) (BABE<3)
Sarah Harvard
Maddie Hartke
Cassidy Hill
JT Hinchen
Luke Hoban
Jemma Howlett
Meghana Jayam
Kathrin Kajderowicz
Juliana Kaplan
Samantha Kargilis
Rebecca Ki
Dylan King
Michael Lahanas
Allyson Larcom
Alex Liao
Molly Lippitt
Julia Machado (I was planning on going to bed 3 hours ago, thanks pa)
Jessica Malerman
Graedon Martin
Ethan Mark
Jade Matias Bell
Andreia Matos
Oren Maximov
Logan Metiz
Rachel Miga
Rekha Mohan
Sophia Morales
Bridget Mountford
Zach Palumbo (more zachs)
Jenny Park
Caylene Parrish (RIP Newts moon colony)
Evan Pincus
Anna Piwowar
Marisa Ray
Sam Rizer
Janine Rogers
Daniel Ruiz-Betancourt
Asya Sagnak
Emmet Sandberg
Ariel Sauri
Caroline Sarkozi
Hannah Schmitt
Alan Silberberg
Pranav Sharma
Zach Silberberg (wow so many zachs)
Sam Sledzieski
Apitha Srivicharnkul
$tefan Colton
Ruthie Stewart
Stephen Sondheim (cool)
Jessie Sparacino
Rebecca Tarnopol
Mason Tipton
Nathan Trivers
Eli Udler (Am I the first U? wooooo)
Lucas Unze
Riley Woodford
Cast List
(Hamilton) Jeb! Bush: Hes a mess
(Burr) Donald Trump: Jebs Chief Rival
(Washington) George W Bush: Jebs Brother
(John Laurens) John McCain: Senator and Jebs Friend
(Lafayette) Lindsey Graham: Senator and Jebs Friend
(Hercules Mulligan) Chris Christie: Governor and Jebs Friend
(Eliza): Florida Voters: Jeb Loves Them
(Angelica): Florida Interests: Jeb Wants to Be With Them
(Peggy) Florida Money: Just Kind of There
(King George) Bill Clinton/Barack Obama/Hillary Clinton: Evil Democrats
(Charles Lee) Sarah Palin: Almost Vice President - Wheeee!
(Jefferson) Ted Cruz: Initial Campaign Rival
(Madison): John Kasich: Initial Campaign Rival
(John Adams) Mitt Romney: Disparages Jeb
(Maria Reynolds) Intern from PR Person: They Seduce Jeb
(Philip Hamilton) Marco Rubio: Jebs Literal Son
(Samuel Seabury) Bernie Sanders: Gives Warnings
(Grandpa Schuyler) Ben Carson: Lost His Place in the Campaign
(Theodosia) Ivanka Trump: Trumps One True Love
Song List
Act I:
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2.
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24.
25.
26.
27.
28.
29.
30.
31.
32.
33.
34.
35.
36.
37.
38.
39.
40.
41.
42.
43.
44.
45.
46.
Act II:
ACT I
3. My (Exclamation) Point
Jeb: I am not throwin away mah point!
Not throwin away mah exclamation - point!
Hey yo, Im just like my country Im excitable and jumpy,
And Im not throwin away mah point!
Imma score an endorsement from the RNC,
Dont mean to brag but dag who else could it be?
Gonna win the nomination, save the GOP
Every day makin my way to the Presidency, you know its me
Im the next Bush up in line, but unlike my big Bro
I told the Ivies no and taught the kiddies down in Mexico
Thats where I met a stunner, this biddie named Columba
Learned some Espaol, scored her numba, and from huh (her)
I have gained a really lovely wife, true love of my life
And with her assistance well win the Latino vote, right?
The plan is to man this platform and campaign
But I guess if Im gonna run then I should spell out my name.
I am the J-O, H-N, E-L, L, I-S, B-U, S-H, well
They call me Jeb, and thats all fine and swell
Meanwhile these Democrats makin me yell, and Hell
Be the POTUS? Yeah, I guess I might as well.
Cause Baracks left this land with an awful smell
He aint never gonna stop the gangs and drug cartels
So we need a new election, stop this infidel
Alarm bells
Ensemble: Go off as the Party yells
Jeb: But just watch as this Bush drops some mad bombshells
Imma put this nation back under my familys spell
Cause sweet Jebbys rhymes flowin like hot caramel
(CHORUS)
Graham: I dream of neocon presidencies
Looks like November we will see GOP
GOP, how you say? A House Majority?
The progressive sides dead with Bernie and Hillary
Thats a-All (as Lindsey air dribbles a fake basketball and swishes into invisible hoop): Point!
Christie: Yo, Im Springsteens biggest fanboy
Spending 80 grand at the Giants concession stands, boy
Im joinin up with Donald cause Im sure its my chance
To advance, maybe hell let me be his vice presidance
Eh, you get my
All (as Chris Christie serves and spikes a fake volleyball): Point!
McCain: But well never be truly free
Until we balance out this extreme far right GOP
All of you, gotta do whats right for the Party
This Party, its about time to get this shit started
Like Pink!
All: Exclamation point!
Trump: Geniuses, move off to the side
Im gonna make this election cycle one wild ride
Im the orange, crass loud-mouth who cant be stopped
Youre gonna be publicly taught; at debates, youre gonna get mocked!
Jeb: Hey, Trump: Knock, knock,
Whos there? What a shock, its Jebby from the block
Im servin up some spicy guac, and its hotter than hot
If you cant eat it you can leave it, and step right off my jock
What are the odds that God would put us all in one spot?
Poppin a squat on conventional politics like it or not
A buncha mediocre ammunition-friendly scared evangelists
Give me a donationshow me where the PAC money is!
Oh am I talking too soft?
I never get over excited, or ever shoot off,
Ive never had a group of friends before.
I promise I wont tick yall off.
Someone (worried): Should we put him in front of a crowd?
Jeb: I am not throwin away mah point!
Not throwin away mah exclamation point!
Christie/Graham/Ensemble:
Raise a glass to freedom
Ensemble: Iraq
Voters/Money:
Look around, look around
Florida!
Florida!
6. Sanders Refuted
Bernie (yelling and wildly gesturing): Hear ye, hear ye!
My name is Bernie Sanders, and I present
Free Thoughts on the Proceedings of the War on Terror!
Heed not the right wing, who scream about ISIS,
They have not your interests at heart.
Christie: Oh my god, tear this socialist apart.
Bernie: Regime change and bloodshed are not a solution
Dont let them lead you to war
This Congress does not speak for me.
Trump: Loser! Weak!
Bernie: The oil is calling their names.
I pray U.N. shows you their mercy
For shame for shame...
Jeb:
Hed have you all right in his pocket, make you scream but
the threat of ISIS is coming,
You have no plan, weve gotta win this.
Its hard to listen to you with a straight face
Regime change and bloodshed already haunt us
Honestly, you should take a pause,
What about Benghazi?
They are to name for all of our pain and you want to blame
Congress?
Jeb: My dad speaks more eloquently.
Bernie: Theyre playing a billionaires game.
Jeb: But strangely, your age seems the same.
Bernie: I pray U.N. shows you their mercy!
Jeb: Would they even do anything?
Bernie:
Heed not the right wing, who scream
about ISIS,
They have not your interests at heart
Regime change and bloodshed are not a
solution
Dont let them lead you to war
This Congress does not speak for me.
6. Sanders Refuted
Sea-Bernie (yelling and wildly gesturing): Hear ye, hear ye! My name is Bernie Sanders,
and I present Free Thoughts on the Proceedings of the War in Iraq!
Heed not the right wing, the Bush administration, they have not your interests at heart
Christie: Oh my god, tear this socialist apart
Bernie: Regime change and bloodshed are not a solution
Dont let them lead you to war
This Congress does not speak for me
Trump: So sad!
Bernie: The oil is calling their names.
I pray the U.N. shows you mercy
For shame....for shame....
Jeb: Yo, hes got the kids feeling the Bern
but Bush Threes administration is coming
The right wings gonna win this
Bernie: Heed!
Jeb: We get it, twenty seven dollars.
Bernie: Bush!
Jeb: My brother kept us safe from
Bernie: Have not your interests!
Jeb: Continue to scream and not debate with Hillary
Why should either of you democrats, instead of me,
be handed the presidency?
Trump: Jeb is a mess!
Jeb: [stammers]
Ensemble: Silence! A message from Bill Clinton!
A message from Bill Clinton!
Full Company: A message from Bill Clinton!
9. A Summers Rally
Trump: How does the pampered, brother, son of a George,
Go on and on, run into more of a phenomenon
Watch this mediocre, soft-spoken, excuse of a governor,
Be seated at the right hand of his brother,
W endorses Jeb right on sight,
Though Jeb cant put up much of a fight, theyre tight.
Sure, Jebs skill at the debates are pretty mild,
Just another thing that keeps him from being
reliable with the...
Ensemble: VOTERS!
Trump: There are so many to disempower!
Ensemble: VOTERS!
Trump: Under my rule they will cower!
Ensemble: VOTERS!
Trump: They frustrated and confused him
Malia Obama named her favorite teddy bear after him!
Jeb: Thats probly true!
Trump: 2015, a summers rally,
And the Florida machine has yet to be tallied,
Yo, if you win Florida, you start strong, son,
Jeb: Is it a question of if Trump, or what margin?
Trump/McCain/Jeb: Hey, hey, hey, hey etc.
10. Voting
Voters: Ooooh, for you, for you, for you, for you
He-ey!
Ooooh, for you, for you, for you, for you
Jeb, you got me voting!
Looking at your platform and I know your limits, Im voting
But because Im from your state Im believin in it.
I have never been the type to try and really turn out
We were at a rally with the GOP, all burned out
Laughing with the interests as theyre controlling our nation,
Then you walked in and my heart went,
EXCLAMATION!
Tryna catch your speech as we sweat in the front room
Everybodys hecklin and Trumps top volume,
Saluting to the rhythm as we whine and sigh
Grab the interests and whisper,
Yo, hes got my.
Voooote
Interests made their way across the room to you
And I get nervous thinkin what they gonna do
They grab you by the balls, Im thinkin Im through
Then you leer back at me and suddenly Im
Voting!
Oh, look at those jowls, oh-ohhhhhh.
(Looking at your platform and I know your limits)
Voting!
(But because Im from your state Im believin in it)
Voting!
(Looking at your platform and I know your limits)
Still I will vote for you,
Still I will vote for you
(But because im from your state Im believin in it)
Jeb: Where are you taking me?
Money will side with me, interests tried to take a bite of me!
No stress, my love for you is never in doubt,
Well get a condo in Orlando and well figure it out.
Ive had a presidential family since I was a child,
My father ran, my brother won, every campaign they filed,
But Ill never forget my first vote, without a doubt,
As long as Im in the race, voters, I swear to God youll always turn out
Voting!
Voters: For you, for you, for you for you!
Jeb: My voters
Voters: For you, for you, for you for you!
Jeb: Im gonna get you
Voters: Voting
Jeb: Yeah!
Voters: because Im from your state Im believin in it!
Jeb: Yo, my campaigns gon be fine because my home states with it
Voters: I look at your platform and I know your limits!
I...I..I..
Voters/Company: But because Im from your state Im believin in it!
(wedding music plays)
Company: In Cleveland, get the nomination
In Cleveland, get the nomination
In Cleveland, get the nomination...
Voters: Voting
Rewind
We remember that night we just might
Rewind
We remember that night
We remember that
(doo doo doo do doo doo doo doo do)
We remember that night we just might
Remember that night for the rest of our reign,
We remember those other candidates tryna
Pander to us for their own gain,
We remember that harsh fluorescent light like a scene, wish you could escape
But Jeb, Exclamation, well never forget the first time we saw your face
We have never been the same
Lackluster eyes in a dad-bod frame
And when you said Jeb! We forgot the dang game
Set our hearts aflame
All our parts aflame
Missin your last name.
Jeb: Looks to me like you could use somebody on your side.
Interests: We really dont know what you mean, are you feeling well?
Jeb: Youre like me! Ive never had somebody on my side.
Interests: Is that right?
Jeb: I need somebody on my side.
Interests: Were the Florida Special Interests.
Jeb: Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point.
Interests: Whats your platform on
Jeb (nervously): Uh, unimportant. Theres like four, five things I havent done. Just you clap
just you clap.
Interests: So so so, so this this is what it feels like to find
Someone with brand name but a malleable mind
Less bombastic than Trump, but hes still got some fight
Hell prolly get more votes than Kasich might
And hes still running, right?
Jeb: Voters?
Interests: You need them.
Company excepting Interests: Number two!
Interests: Were after him cause hes a Bush descendant
That elevates his status wed
Have to be nave to set that aside
Maybe that that is why, we introduce him to the voters
Now theyre starry-eyed
Nice going, hes gonna get elected
With our influence as his guide
Voters: Thank you, for all your service.
Jeb: You may be thinking of my brother or dad
Interests: Ill leave you to it!
Company: Number three!
One Interest: I know these voters like I know my own mind
You will never find any group as gullible or blind
If I tell them to support him they will happily comply
Theyll be mine!
Interests: Well say hes fine.
Interests/Company: Well be lying!
Interests: Cause when we fantasize at night its Dubyas campaign
As we romanticize what might have happened if he hadn't made
Mistakes so quickly
At least our Jeb is still in the game
At least we get someone with the name
Interests: To our Jeb!
Company: To our Jeb! To our Jeb! To our Jeb!
Interests: Jeb Bush!
Trump: Ha-rumph
Christie/Graham: Trump!
Trump: I came to shout insultations.
Graham: Spit a verse, Trump!
Trump: I see all of the losers here.
McCain: You are the worst, Trump!
Jeb: Youre so mean. You hurt my feelings, Im in a slump.
I wish youd stop bullying my friends and I, Chump.
Trump: I cant, frump.
Jeb: Well, why not?
Trump: Its just too easy.
Youre so sad and awkward and pathetic and cheesy
McCain: Well, well, I heard
Youve got a special someone on the side, Trump
Jeb: Is that so?
McCain: What are you tryin to hide, Trump?
Trump: You should go
Jeb: But its my Party
Graham: Wow
McCain: Ok...
Jeb: Leave us alone
Christie: Man
Jeb: No more spite, Trump. I wish youd brought this girl with you tonight, Chump.
Trump: We could end this thing by Florida, know who the presidentll be, but
For me to succeed, theres something I still need
V/I/M: MURICANS!
Trump: Sure, Ill never win over that wench (pointing at Megyn Kelly)
Offensive and fluent in fallacies, I mean.
V/I/M: MURICANS!
Trump: Will learn to vote for me eventually!
Whats Jeb gonna offer as defence? I mean
V/I/M: MURICANS!
Trump: Wont tire of my brilliance
Will recognize my hard work and resilience
V/I/M: MURICANS!
Trump: They will fight for our great land back!
V/I/M: MURICANS!
Trump: Im a trailblazer,
Ill bushwhack
V/I/M: MURICANS!
GW: Trumpll steer this country down
the wrong track
Trump: Oval Office needs a right
wing man back
V/I/M: Needs a right
wing man back
Trump: You know we gotta get a right
wing man back
V/I/M: A right
wing man back
V/I/M: MURICAN!
Trump: Im the one wholl beat
Hillary
out of this lot, Im the
best shot the GOPs got
To get their right wing man back
GW: Jeb Bush, exclamation point!
Troops I deployed are haunting you,
If we change tactics now, together we can change the tide
Oh, Jeb Bush, exclamation point!
I havent been the best brother its true
But if you continue the fight
We might still make this right
The world could remain the same, Exclamation...
Christie: I tried to win this game before but then I lost to Mitt
Gotta supersize my chance at nomination cause im lovin it
See imma keep it classy up against these ruffians
Watch all these others guys act like fools then to cover it
The voters gonna pick someone who needs no introduction
When you knock me down I get get the fuck back up again.
Ensemble: Health! Wealth! Gun Control!
Go!
What! What! What!
Jeb: After hours of debating, a young Chris Wallace stands at his brown desk
Cruz: We quiet our bickering as he frantically waves his hands to get our attention
Christie: And just like that, its over. We gather our notecards, we wipe our sweat.
Rubio: Young and old candidates wonder alike if this means we get to go home now
Jeb (interjecting): Its your bedtime, Marco.
GW/Marco: Not. Yet.
Jeb: They discuss the results of our arguments
I see George W. scowl
Were escorted away from our podiums
We all mill off into the crowd
Several thousands of people all trying to leave
Sharing chuckles and dull conversation
As I exit the building I know they believe
They could tolerate me as the head of their nation!
Campaign Workers: Jeb is the best weve got.
Ensemble: Jeb is the best weve got
Jeb is the best weve got
Jeb is the best weve got
Vote
Vote, vote, vote
Cruz: Vote for Ted Cruz, dont vote for Marco Rubio!
Ensemble: Vote, vote, vote
Jeb: Polls are often quite wrong, we can ignore them pretty happily,
And nowhere are they wronger than in primaries,
The voter turnout is increasingly stalling,
Honestly thats why the election seems to be calling me.
All: Full Stop!
Jeb: I practiced campaigning, I practically perfected it,
I got a ticket to my name but I wasnt elected yet
Now for my last name to carry me
If not theyll forget me
Legacy defined by turtles I gave for free
Trump: Weak Jeb rising in the polling in New Hampshire
Jeb: I was rising in the polling taken in New Hampshire!
Trump: Up from his sad fifth place in Iowa
Jeb: Now what Im gonna say might make some of you guffaw
Trump: Goes and proposes that hes the best candidate! That pathetic Jeb is the very best
candidate! Gives so many speeches, the establishment is listless!
Establishment: Boring old man, yo, who the f is this?
Trump: Why do you always talk about your bro?
The weakest president, after Barry O
Why do you bring up the Bush name cant you see
Ha, gonna get that media for free
Why do you campaign with so little energy?
Campaigning day and night with zero energy?
Every day you sink even lower, very sad
Keep being weak
*clap clap*
Trump: Jeb?
Jeb: Donald Trump, Chump.
ACT II
Ensemble: Aaaa-oooo
Cruz: My poll numbers jump
My poll numbers jump
Texas my home sweet home, gonna give me a bump
Ive been in Iowa, meeting all the farmers
The polls are saying that Im quite the charmer
But even with my success I still lose to Trump
Ensemble: Aaaaa-oooo
Cruz: Theres a new post on my wall from some FOX guy
Chatter the last caucus hasnt even died
Heidi be a lamb, darlin wontcha hit reply
It says the Medias assembling a meeting
And that theres to be another freakin debate, great!
And that Im almost standing in center stage
I just got home and now Im headed to New Hampshire
Ensemble: Headed to NH!
Headed to NH!
Cruz: Lookin at the Granite State I cant believe Trumps beating me!
Ready to face him in that D-E-B-A-T-E
But whos standin there when I go up on that stage?
Both Ben and John Kasich standing quite far away.
John grabs my arm and I respond Whats Going on?
Ensemble: Aaaa-oooo!
Kasich: Ted, we are so confused as how to walk out onto this very stage
Can you get us out of the mess were in?
Ensemble: Aaa-oooo!
Kasich: Ben Carsons inability to hear has left half of us right offstage
I just want to go
Where are you going?
Cruz: Uhhh...my podium
Kasich: Dont leave me here!
25. Debate #1
GW: Ladies and gentlemen, you could have been watching anything in the world tonight but
youre here with us on the FOX Business Channel. Are you ready for a GOP debate?
The issue for the candidates: Senator Cruzs plan to build a wall between the United States
and Mexico. Governor Bush, you have one minute sir.
Jeb: Give me your tired, huddled masses yearning to be free,
Thats what it says on the Statue of Liberty.
Thats the US creed, great words to live by.
Maybe we should let them in? Come on, just try.
Now, but Ted Cruz is a jerk.
He really thinks that building a wall is gonna work.
But try and guess why his plan is so whack.
The only explanation is that hes the Zodiac.
Ted: Not true!
Jeb: Oh, but the police sketch matches.
You want to build walls
While our middle class crashes? Uh, your priorities are wrong
Its the economy, stupid, and youre gonna get schlonged.
In Florida, we let immigrants in
Were humane, you just wanna keep creating a din.
Your immigration plan is a ridiculous joke
It aint gonna make us safer, itll make us broke.
Stand with me in the land of the free
And lets embrace our multicultural history
Look, my wife is from Mexico so dont try me
When the people hear your proposals Im gonna kick your hiney
GW: Thank you, Governor Bush
Jeb (solemnly interjects): Youre welcome.
GW: Senator Cruz, your response?
Ted: Jebby, thats a nice poem you recited.
Your campaign stinks thats why you were barely invited
To the big boy debate, wanna stay here?
Then youre gonna have to stand back and listen to what I say here.
Trump and Ensemble: Ted Cruz claims-Cruz: Well, I arranged the shutdown
I picked out our platform, [pointing at a piece of paper] its that form, sit your butts down
Trump: But!
I dont know how-Trump and Ensemble:
To run for an office
To run for an office
To run for an office
Trump: I dont quite know how
Trump and Ensemble: To run for an office
To run for an office
To run for an office
Trump: Doesnt matter how I do it
The Party just says yes
No matter what I do they say
Donald youre the best
I just assume that theyll caucus
For me cause Im the best guy
Running for an office.
Trump and Ensemble: Meanwhile
Trump: Kasich is grappling with the fact that he can only get the nomination through contested
convention
Ensemble: Meanwhile
Trump: The GOP is fighting for control of their PartyIt isnt pretty
Then Ted Cruz approaches with a dinner and invite
And Kasich responds with Ohio-an (?) insight:
Kasich: Maybe we can stop one Chump from getting his druthers, and get some help from lil
Jebbys brother, in other words
Cruz: Oh-ho!
Kasich: A quid pro quo
Cruz: Trump must go
Kasich: Wouldnt you like to call the white house your home?
30. Debate #2
GW: The issue on the table: Mexico exists on the edge of the USAs southwest border. Do we
provide aid and support to Mexican citizens looking to come over or do we keep them out of
here? Remember, your position on this topic will be subject to millions of voters approval. But
the people you really have to convince on this matter are the wealthy oligarchs that run the
super PACS. Senator Cruz: you have the stage, sir.
Cruz: When we had a recession, when we were needy,
There were no jobs, thanks to Wall Street being greedy.
We needed places to work, bring in the dough.
Which countrys people filled up those positions?
Kasich: Us, but also Mexico?
Cruz: In return for the life that we provided,
They sent us people whose morals we called misguided.
They hoped that we might help them achieve dreams and desires,
Instead we just labeled them as rapists, thieves, and liars.
Stand with me, voters, become racist accusers
I know that Johnny Ellis Bush is here, that loser.
Hes gonna come onstage and make a plea
Ill remind you that no one thinks hes as cool as me!
Why is Jeb even here?
The loser brother, begs the crowd to cheer
Desperate to win the nomination
He wont win anything respect, your votes, just his dumb exclamation.
Ensemble: Ooh!!!!
Cruz: Hey, and if ya dont know, now you know, Mr. Moderator.
GW: Thank you, Senator Cruz. Governor Bush, your response?
Jeb: You must be out of your goddamn mind if you think
Im gonna stand up to your insults; nah, Ill shrink
But I have to say the border situations rife with strife
Look at my wife: Mexican immigrants just want a better life
You and Trump plan to build a giant wall
Would you like to tell me how youll pay for it all?
Hey, will you give us the cash for this, Mexico?
In English and in Spanish, the answers gonna be No.
GW: Times up! Its time for the news networks to be bought
Cruz: I know I won
Trump: How did Jeb Bush, once front-runner, legacy, the governor of Florida, giver of that
horrid de-bate performance, sink in the polls, destroy his reputation? This, losers,
Trump and Company: Is the Romney humiliation.
Trump: Cruz is strangely doing well, an establishment candidate
Cruz: GW cant help you now
No more desperate Bush presidents
Trump: Mitt meets with Jeb Bush
Privately tells him he has no chance for the nom
Cruz: Say what?!
Trump: Jeb tweets his response
Jeb: Endorse me Mitt, you rich mother
Trump: Jebs campaign is a disaster
Kasich: Jeb is weak. He has no power. Hell never be in the Oval Office. And he doesnt even
have the support of Mitt Romney, the only other sane member of this Party.
Cruz: Jeb is a host unto himself. As long as he has a Tumblr, hes a threat. Lets let him know
what we know.
35. We Know
Jeb: Senator Cruz
Governor Kasich...
Donald Trump!
What is this
Cruz: We have the Tumblr posts from separate accounts
Kasich: Almost 1 million notes, all in different amounts
Trump: All on posts by an anonymous user,
Way back in 2015.
Jeb: Is that what you have? Geez...youre mean.
Kasich: You are uniquely situated, by virtue of your position
Cruz: Though virtue is not a word Id apply to this situation!
Kasich: To help promote bad content,
You stray from your quest to get votes
Cruz: And the evidence suggests you...reblogged yourself to get lots more notes?
Trump: An old geezer struggling to go viral!
Cruz/Kasich: I can almost see the headlines and they will be cruel!
Trump: I hope you saved some money, you gelatinous fool!
Cruz/Kasich: You best gwan run back where your dad was cool!
Jeb: Geezyou dont even know what youre asking me to confess!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Con-fess!
Jeb: You have nothing, I dont have to tell you anything at all.
Un-less!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Un-less!
Jeb: If I can prove that this isnt all for me, do you promise not to tell a soul what youve seen?
Trump: As it stands, youre barely running for office.
Jeb: If its not too much trouble, could you please clarify whether that was a yes?
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Um, yes.
Trump: (reading aloud) Dear Jeb,
I hope this DM finds you with good votes,
Or in a popular enough position to put notes
On Tumblr posts for people like me; It is my goal
To go viral, and not a thing can help you, not even your...
Cruz: Whaaaaaaaaaaat!
Jeb: She courted me, ordered me
ten thousand guac bowls for good publicity,
Thats when his Twitter extorted me,
For every note you see.
I used side accounts, reblogged him quarterly,
I may have humiliated my whole self
But my campaign is orderly!
As you can see I kept a record of every account, my history.
Check it again against your list and see consistency.
I never reblogged a single post of mine.
You sent the dogs after my scent, thats fine!
Yes, I have so...so many reasons for shame.
But I have not reblogged myself and looked really lame.
As you can see I have done nothing to provoke a public reaction.
Are my answers to your satisfaction?
Cruz: My God.
Kasich: Gentlemen, lets go.
Jeb: Trump!
How do I know you wont use this against me
The next time you do shit for show?
Trump: Jeb, youre already a mess. A mess.
And we both know what we know.
36. Hurricane
Jeb: They said Jeb was a hurricane
Now they deny it
This was my moment
Whats gone awry?
When I was forty-one
I lost my first run for gov
But George, he won
Texans bought every lie
Got me some political clout
Became governor to please my family
Got me some political clout
I looked up and Florida had its eyes on me
Dad passed the buck down
Two Bush brothers
Vying for a dynasty of glory
Raised to continue our defeat of democrats, not
Run campaigns into the ground
George succeeded and I fell
Had his way with the Oval Office
Seemed to me like hed be a hard sell
But the American people thought he was swell
We campaigned for my brother and rigged it well
And in the face of Barbara and George H.
I tried to stay supportive from my Miami base
And though my prayers to God were met with indifference
In twenty-fifteen I got my chance, tried to release my bitterness
They said Jeb was a hurricane
Now they deny it
This was my moment
Whats gone awry?
But every passing day my dream has died
Trump will out-poll me
Georges a dick and he wont console me
I really do try
Trump: Youll pay for it, pay for it, pay for it
Jeb: One Hundred million out!
Trump and Ensemble: Pay for it, pay for it, pay for it
Jeb: I dont understand! It was supposed to be me!
Trump and Ensemble: Pay for it, pay for it
Jeb: I can still sort this out
Unify the GOP
GW/Voters/Interests/Ensemble: Fox News has its eyes on you
Jeb: I must live up to the Bush family name, this is the only way
I can protect my legacy
Company: Youll pay for it, pay for it, pay for it
Jeb: Lean into the guac bowls and secure the latino vote
38. Bern
Voters: I saved every email you sent me
From the moment I read them
I knew you would win.
You said you would win.
I thought you would win...
Do you know what the Interests said?
When they saw the very first meme
They said,
Theyre not laughing with Jeb, love.
Theyre laughing, but its pretty mean
You and your name, flooded my news feed.
You promised me you would take the lead.
You said you were moderate, the best choice.
You said you would beat them.
I keep seeing the memes that they made of you.
Im searching for your supporters in every vine.
For some kind of sign.
But weve run out of time...
The millennials all feel the
Bern
Bern.
The press has lost all their hope in you.
Your own family wont stand by your side anymore.
Even with your last name, you have ruined our lives.
Do you know what the interests said
When they saw what theyd done?
They said,
The millennials got him for that.
The memes have already won.
You and your guac, obsessed with your stomach.
You gave them shit posts to last the whole campaign.
Now Bernies up on a pedestal, they ruin
How we perceive you...
You, you, you
Ensemble: Ooooooh!
Marco: Its like that?
Christie: Yeah, I dont disengage.
Im not your little sad boy.
Marco: See you on the debate stage
That is, unless you wanna step aside and go now.
Christie: I know how to find you.
Piss off, Im talking about snow now.
Marco: Daddy if youd only heard the shit he said about Obama!
I doubt you woulda let it slide without creating drama
Jeb: Slow down.
Marco: I came to ask you for advice, this is my first real debate.
They dont exactly do this much in the Sunshine State.
Jeb: Did your campaign try to negotiate a peace?
Marco: He refused to say Obama knows exactly what hes doing!
Obama knows exactly what hes doing; we had to let the peace tweets cease.
Jeb: Where did he come from?
Marco: He's the governor of Jersey.
Jeb/Marco: Everyone's an asshole in New Jersey.
Jeb: All right. So this is what youre gonna do.
Stand there like a man until Christie is in front of you.
On your turn, say your talking points to the air.
This will put an end to the whole affair.
Marco: But what if he decides to refute? Then I wont live.
Jeb: No, hell follow suit if he's a true conservative.
We used to be good friends, till he endorsed Trump for press.
Marco, the voters cant take another mess.
Marco: Daddy--
Ensemble: Seven!
Trump: Confession time? Heres what I got
My squadll tell you I dont got a lotta forethought.
Ensemble: Number Eight!
Trump: Im the only one who can negotiate
But your campaigns been so lame that its time for me to seal your fate
The press wont write about this online
But look it up, Jeb was shaking the whole time
Why? Cause hes a disgrace to his name.
With or without me, his life will likely end in shame
I had one last chance to watch him totter
Jeb is a dead man, come hell or high water.
Ensemble: Number Nine!
Trump: Look at poor Jebby, too scared to even cry
Summon all the strength your tiny hands require
Then count!
Ensemble: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Number Ten Paces Fire!
Jeb: I imagine losing so much it seems more like meme-ery
Is this where it gets me, on my knees, with Donald taking votes from me?
I see it coming, do I run or pretend that its fun and say clap please?
Got no votes, no applause, no dignity
Trump, the worst man, no friend to me
Maybe the worst candidate Ive ever seen
If I throw away my exclamation point, is this how youll remember me?
What if this campaign is my legacy?
Legacy. Im just a legacy.
Dad planted seeds into mom and all he got was me
I got some votes at the beginning but then Trump made a fool of me
GOP, you great political Party, you sent for me
You made me try for president
A place where I would represent the old white establishment
And rise up
Now Im running out of rhymes. Im running but my times up
That sucks, oh fuck.
Bonus Features
Alternate Not Throwin Away My Point Verse:
Imma get the nomination from the RNC,
Dont mean to brag, but dag who else could it be?
My problem is I got a lot of plans but no hubris
Im gonna win the nomination
Save the GOP, lets go do this
Im a diamond cut from the birth, a shiny piece of gold
Being Pres is my goal, I want to work in the big Oval
Only Bush Three but it feels like much more
They aint gonna push me out the door, Ill get Rushmored
Every voter, every constituent
May at first dissent, but theyll soon see that I just meant
Im a better man than Reagan
The plan is to court Latinas with my dame,
But if Im gonna run I better spell out my name