Dylan Allison

The Detrimental Effects of Bullying

Inquiry: Why do people cause physical/mental harm to others?
Proposed thesis: Bullying is becoming a huge problem, it causes so much more than
mental harm, and its not only happening at school.
Bakalar, Nicholas. "Being Bullied Is Bad for Your Health.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com. New York Times,12,May2014 n.d. Web. 25 Feb. 2016.
Beginning with the second line of the citation and including the description this should
be indented
This article is a couple of years old now but I do not think that it would make a difference
in this case because what is discovered in the research would not change in a couple of
years. Nicholas makes his argument here by writing an article about a research done by
scientists that found that being bullied actually leads to bad health. This is because it
raises a fluid in your blood called C-reactive protein (CPR) and it raises your risk for
heart disease and many others. The weird thing they found is that the ones doing the
bullying have a low count of CRP. Even lower than that of kids that have nothing to do
with bullying at all. They also found that the social standings of the kids that are being
bullied are closely related to children that experience physical abuse at home. This article
proves that bullying causes more than just mental harm. We all know that a kid being beat
up would cause physical harm but would you think that it could lead to a child having
heart problems or forming a disease? Someone might be able to mature and get over the
hurtful words or things that were said to them but they would not be able to get rid of a
disease they have gotten from being bullied. It is something that they would have to live
with for the rest of their lives.

Did you look at how old the information he cited was? That could make a difference on
whether this article is dated. This is a good source because it discusses a side of the topic
that not a lot of people think about. However, some of the writing in the description is
kind of vague. I think using a direct quote would really help.

Cloud, John. "When Bullying Turns Deadly: Can It Be Stopped?" Time. Time Inc., 24
Oct. 2010. Web. 25 Feb. 2016.
This was published in 2010 and I think that this does not take away from the credibility
because bullying is still deadly and causes the death of many people. In this article Cloud
supports his title by giving examples of kids that have killed themselves due to bullying.
Going deeper into the topic, he gives specific reasons that they committed suicide. The
big one was people being bullied because of sexual interests. A specific example that hits
the hardest is that of Seth Walsh. He was thirteen years old when he hung himself in his
own back yard. His bullying began when he was in fourth grade, and by seventh he was
afraid to walk home from school. This eventually led to him hanging himself and his
mother finding him still barely alive. Ultimately after being on life support for nine days
he passed away. Mental harm left this young boy and many others to their death. Mental
harm can do so much that a person begins thinking that life is worth living anymore.
These suicides showing that it has taken a turn for the worse.
The source stresses the severity of the issue which is important. I like your use of the
example that came straight from the article because it helps the audience understand the
details of this article. I would read over your description and reword some things to create
a stronger effect. In your description you should include how this would help your essay
and whether the source is biased.

Hertzog, Jodi L., Tammy Harpel, and Rochelle Rowley. "Is It Bullying, Teen Dating
Violence, or Both? Student, School Staff, and Parent Perceptions." Proxy Login University Libraries - USC. N.p., n.d. Web. 25 Feb. 2016.
The main thing they want to see here is how the views that people have on what
behaviors cause bulling, teen dating violence (TDV), or both.. They ran an experiment
and found that the views were different between the groups they surveyed. It was written
in 2015 so it is recent data on the subject and is another one of my peer-reviewed sources
so it is a credible source. It also adds to my argument that bullying is becoming a huge
problem because it is expanding its boards. I am saying this because I did not even know
that teen-dating violence was a thing, but it is. They are not bias because they are
presenting facts for an audience and dont put personal opinions into the research or let it
change their findings. Adding to my argument as well is the fact that it is not just in
schools because dating obviously does not only partake in school.
Who is they?Be more specific with your wording. What was the main claim of this
article..what were the findings. If you dont know about teen-dating violence other people
might not either so you could use a direct quote or paraphrase the difference between
bullying and teen dating violence. Good source because it is a peer reviewed academic
study and it supports your proposed thesis.
Knopf, Alison. "Bullying, in Teen Sports and Elsewhere, Requires Parent
Intervention." Eds.b.ebscohost.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 25 Feb. 2016.
This source tells of bullying within sports that teens partake in.; they have found that the
mainl reason that it takes place is jealousy. One thing I found interesting is that they say
that it can take place in sports that are solo sports like figure skating. There are many
ways that it takes place and they do it to get in the head of the other person. It does not

give a specific time that it was written but that does not matter because I dont think time
would change this. It is a credible source because it is peer reviewed and she
iIs the managing editor for The Brown University Child. She does not seem to be bias but
she could possibly be because she only talks about one thing. The reason why I say she is
probably not is because there isnt really another side to this story. This supports my
argument because this directly proves that bullying exists it outside of school. It even
affects the lives of people in the sports they like to participate in.
You use words like it, she, this, etc very frequently. I think your paper would be a lot
stronger if you changed the wording to be more specific. Did you look at the sources the
author may have cited? That could be another clue as to whether the article is credible or
biased.
Romero, Andrea J., Christine Bracamonte Wiggs, Celina Valencia, and Sheri Bauman.
"Latina Teen Suicide and Bullying." Proxy Login - University Libraries - USC. N.p., n.d.
Web. 25 Feb. 2016.
This source talks about how a Latina teen is more likely to have symptoms of depression
and other thingsbe more specific, maybe add a quote explaining specifically what other
symptoms could be caused by bullying-- related to bullying. I would like to look at
another part of this study where it shows the different types of bullying that has been
going on with the teens. It talks about the percentage of bullying at school versus cyber
bullying. It clearly shows a rise in the cyber bullying side of this. This helps my
argument because it means that it is happening in more places than just at school. This is
a credible source because it is a peer-reviewed paper. The authors do not seem bias to me
because they are just telling facts about the study. This helps me because it shows that

cyber bullying is one main reason for the bad effects on teens. It also shows how
bullying is becoming a big problem because of the great percentage that are thinking
about committing suicide.
Good source, it provides information about the modern form of bullying. You did a good
job of explaining how this source could be used in your paper and how it supports your
thesis.

Shireen, Farhat, Himani Janapana, Sanila Rehmatullah, Hoor Temuri, and Fatima Azim.
"Trauma Experience of Youngsters and Teens: A Key Issue in Suicidal Behavior among
Victims of Bullying?" Eds.b.ebscohost.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 25 Feb. 2016.
This source was done in 2014 so it is fairly recent it is also one of my peered reviewed
sources, this means that it credible for my research. This talks about research done that
basically sees the connection between bullying and suicides. One of the things they found
is that the risk of suicide attempts are higher in girls other than boys. They have also
shown that the depression and feelings of their being no hope of happiness-consider
rephrasing or changing the order because this was kind of confusing are drawn directly
from bullying and are linked to suicides. This shows that bullying is a great problem and
needs to be fixed. I do not believe that the authors here are bias because they are simply
talking about scientifically proven things.
Why does being peer reviewed make this article credible. How does that compare do
another type of source? This is similar to one of your previous sources but it adds the
comparison of gender which is interesting.

Overall paper:
You have 6 good and diverse sources that all seemed to directly relate to your proposed
thesis or answer your inquiry question. Overall my suggestion is just to be more specific
with your wording and maybe consider using direct quotes from these sources to give a
stronger description of the details in each source. I would also pay attention to how
frequently you use words like this, that, they, I, etc. and try to reduce the amount you use
those words. They all seem to be credible but I would consider looking at the works cited
of each source to determine whether the original data used in these articles could be
biased or outdated.