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And who has these

thoughts? The research
needs more context and
explanation. The info is
good, but it doesn't yet
seem to have a purpose. In
fact, it seems to go a little
against the idea of equality
for the genders...?

par. Try to end with

your own
words. Here,
emphasize
and restate
what point you
wanted to
make in the
paragraph.

This seems like a good place for a paragraph break.

Nice and interesting connection between paragraphs!

Nice citations!

Bailly_Paper2.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

/100

Instructor
Kayla,
I've enjoyed reading your paper f or the ideas,
probably because I happen to agree with you on
many points! It's pretty clear you have an argument
to make, and that's good. You also excel with
language and research. However, some problems
arise with the argument and with the organization
that make your paper weaker, as a whole, than it
could be.
For example, the introduction of your paper is quite
weak. T he comment at the end of the intro will give
more detail, but I'll talk a little more about the thesis.
As it is currently stated, the thesis isn't clearly
argumentative. It seems like your paper will be an
inf ormative list of ways that men and women are
both stepping up to combat inequality. However, this
isn't what your paper does. Do you see this?
Later in the paper, though, I see one very clear idea
stand out--that you agree with Slaughter that
women can have equality in the workplace and in lif e,
but younger generations need to change their
thinking bef ore this will happen. I'm not sure that it is
your whole argument, but it's def initely a strong
argument and most of your paper can be explained
by this statement. Can you use this as your thesis.
Whatever you decide, revising your thesis is
necessary. Clarity of the argument is one of the
reasons I suggested using some of the templates in
Chapter 4. It seems like you're on the "agree but with
a dif f erence" train of thought, so try some of those
out.
Also, consider using the Introductions handout (you
can f ind this under Week 5 or under "Writing Aids" in
Course Inf ormation). T he "Respond to Others"
introduction is perf ect f or this assignment!
Once you have a stronger thesis and intro, this
paper should be a lot stronger!
I'd also suggest working on organization though. In

my mind, I picture an organization that is quite

dif f erent. For example, you would discuss
Slaughter's views right af ter the intro and save the
Fisher inf o f or later (is this supposed to be where
you introduce a counterargument?). However, a
complete reorganization may not be necessary. You
might be able to improve the logic of your argument
simply by working on stronger starts and ends to
some of your paragraphs. Revising the beginning of
the Fisher paragraphs is especially necessary.
Other comments appear in the paper. If you want to
talk about any of this, please let me know! I'd be
happy to discuss changes or answer questions
about comments.

PAGE 1

Comment 1
What? Conditions? Inequality?

Strikethrough.
Comment 3
In general, your introduction could be stronger. First, the beginning, especially with the use of
"it" is very abrupt. It's a little tricky f or a reader even in our class to understand where you're
going right at the beginning of the paragraph.
Second, it's not clear who you're responding to, either. Later in the paper, it's pretty clear that
you are using Slaughter and of ten agree with her, but this isn't true at the beginning. T his is a
major theme in T hey Say/I Say--that your reader needs to know who and what you're
responding to bef ore you even name your thesis. T his doesn't mean you HAVE to put Slaughter
in the f irst paragraph, but it does mean there needs to be a stronger and more thorough sense
of what situation or problem you are responding to.
T hird, it's also not clear if your f inal sentence is the thesis or if the second sentence is. T he
thesis needs re-stated, too
I'd suggest revising the whole introduction.

Text Comment.

And who has these thoughts? T he research needs more context and
explanation. T he inf o is good, but it doesn't yet seem to have a purpose. In f act, it seems to go
a little against the idea of equality f or the genders...?
PAGE 2

Comment 4

OK, here, the research starts to make a little more sense. However, explaining where you're
going or what you're responding bef ore the research would really help a reader.

Comment 5
T his is a little wordy. How about just "they not only are capable of , but..."

Strikethrough.
QM

Missing ","
Missing comma:
T hough it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent a
misreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word that
is logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to your
reader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin with
words like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone was
f ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would be
conf using.

Comment 7
Notice that you never name Slaughter by her f irst name or introduce her position. If you revise
the intro, you may end up doing this naturally, but if not, I'd suggest using an attribution phrase
to begin the third sentence. For example: "Anne-Marie Slaughter, writer of ..., brings up these very
problems when she says,..."
QM

Paraphrase
Don't f orget to cite paraphrased inf ormation!

Text Comment.

T ry to end with your own words. Here, emphasize and restate what point
you wanted to make in the paragraph.

Text Comment.

par.

PAGE 3

Comment 8
Again, who is Sandberg? Introduce her more f ully. T hink of your assigned audience.

Strikethrough.
Text Comment.

T his seems like a good place f or a paragraph break.

Comment 10
OK, this statement seems like your argument, and it is a great one! Overall, it's been clear in the
paper that you agree with Slaughter about work-lif e balance f or women and the f eminist cause,
but this is your "dif f erence." (remember "agree, but with a dif f erence").

However, as stated in the intro, your current thesis doesn't ref lect this. Use this idea to restate
your thesis.
PAGE 4

Comment 11
I think this is maybe what you were talking about in your e-mail, but to distinguish between the
two "Browning" entries on your Works Cited page, you need a little more inf o here. For example:
(Browning, "Discussion Post," par. 2)

Comment 12
Notice how hard it is to f ollow the sentence you have created because of all the quotes. Maybe
you could say something like "I've seen students my own age with this "glib" attitude. It's
disheartening to see my own classmates make statements like these:" T hen, you could list the
three statements.
Make sense?
I agree that it is disheartening, though! : )
QM

Intro Phrase
Remember that introductory phrases need commas af ter them!

Text Comment.

Nice and interesting connection between paragraphs!

Comment 13
Is it all of society or do you think Midwesterners are especially prone to this type of thinking?
QM

Missing ","
Missing comma:
T hough it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent a
misreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word that
is logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to your
reader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin with
words like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone was
f ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would be
conf using.

Strikethrough.
Comment 15
I totally get the meaning here, but it took a couple read-throughs. Maybe you could tweak the
beginning of the sentence? I was thinking something like "Just wanting change doesn't make it
happen..."

Comment 16
And maybe younger generations, in particular? T hat seems to be implied by your earlier
statement (a f ew paragraphs back)
PAGE 5

Text Comment.

Nice citations!