DearDonaldTrump

Spring2016HumanitiesProject

RodeoRats&MackenzieSchultz

TABLEOFCONTENTS

ProjectDescription
............................................2
4045

by:AlexisIturralde,CarlosMartinez,&AlondraMoreno..3

Basta!
by:IvanGonzalez,MariellaDelfino,&Christian
Vidrios........................................................10

AmericasCrumblingYouth
by:SofiaDelgado,TravisTatad,

CarlArnesto,&AustinHernandez................................15

RECRUITMENTVINECOMPOFISIS

by:AaronAyala,LilyMacias,
&KatRendon......................................................23

Menses
by:AlejandraVillanueva,JaninzkaBelendez,&Daniel

Woods...........................................................29

IfDonaldTrumpWereYourHighSchoolTeacher

by:BrianNunez,
IsaacFregoso,RafaelFelix,&ValleryWilson...................36

NoahsArk
by:KristinaSpringer,VeronicaMartinez,&Oscar

Ochoa...........................................................42

PALMS

by:SamuelArden,StephanieVargas,NadiaMehretab,&Mikyel
Sanchez.........................................................49

DearDonaldTrump:ProjectDescription

WrittenbyAlexisIturralde

FortheSpring2016semester,ourhumanitiesclasstookan
indepthlookatpolitics.Withtheongoingprimaryelections
andtheupcomingnationalelection,wehavespecificallyfocused
onthepoliticaldebates,andhavetakenacloserlookatthe
leadingpresidentialcandidates(notjustDonaldTrump)and
wheretheystandonnationalissues.Withthistopicasour
focus,youcanimaginetheamazementofourclasswhenwelooked
closeratthecurrentpoliticalatmosphere.Throughthisproject
wehavelearnedtoidentifyourpoliticalpassionsandhowto
researchandbackupourpositions.
Toshowcasewhatwevelearned,wewrotepoliticalsatire
sketchesbasedoneithercertainpolicies,movements,
presidentialdebates,presidentialcandidates,and/orcurrent
worldevents.Somemayagreewiththemessageinthesescripts,
andothersmaynot.Thepointofthisprojectwastofind
somethingthatweeachbelievedinandcometogetherandworkas
agrouptocreatesomethingthatutilizedhumorasatoolto
deliverapoliticalmessage.

EssentialQuestions

WeneedeveryAmericantostayactiveinourpubliclifeandnot
justduringelectiontimesothatourpubliclifereflectsthe
goodnessandthedecencythatIseeintheAmericanpeopleevery
singleday.PresidentBarackObama,StateoftheUnion,2016

Howcanpeopleofnonvotingagebecomeapartofthe
politicalconversationandprocess?
WhatarewaysthatwecanstriveforPresidentObamashope
thateveryAmericanstayactiveinourpubliclifeandnot
justduringelectiontime?
Is
satire

aneffectivemethodforcontributingtopolitical
discourse?Ifso,howbestcanweyieldit?

4045
WrittenBy
AlexisIturralde
CarlosMartinez
AlondraMoreno

FADEIN:

INT.HISTORYCHANNELDOCUMENTARYSET

NARRATORissittingatadeskwithbooksandmultipletelevision
screensthatplayvideoswithriotsaroundhim.

NARRATOR
(Dramatic)
h
ItwasJuly4t

1776,whenAmericabecamea
nation.Thisnationwasasymboloffreedom,
hope,andopportunity.Butsincethen,this
ideahaschanged.
CUTTO:
EXT.FERGUSON,MISSOURINIGHT

Bottomofscreenastextthatsays,Year:3013.Crowdsof
people,andAIdroidsrioting/fightingwhileholdingupsigns
thatstate,AIlivesmatter!Thesurroundingcarsand
buildingsareonfire,surroundedbybrokenglass.Police
attempttodispersetherioterswhofightbackvigorously.The
policedefendthemselveswiththeirbatonsandshieldsuntil
peoplerunawayandtheAIdroidsshortcircuit.

RIOTER1
(Shouting)
Thelivesofthesedroidsmatter
too!

RIOTER2
(Shouting)
Screwyou,pigs!

Videoispausedonadroidstandingandwaving.Scenechangesto
narrator.

NARRATOR
Theyear3013waswhenthefirstrobotgained
consciousness.Foryearsitwasbelievedtobe
5

impossibleandtheideawasfraughtwith
controversy.Butin3013asingledroid
discardedalldoubtthattherewasinfacta
possibilityoftrueartificialintelligence.

Playbackofvideoofadroidsittingatadeskinfrontofnews
reportersandotherdroidreporters.

CUTTO:
INT.INTERVIEWROOM
HUMANREPORTER#1
Howdoweknowyourereallyconscious?

Droidturnshandsandtiltshead.

DROID
Justlookatme,isthisnotenoughevidence
foryou?Whatmakesyouanymoreconsciousthan
Iam?

Reporterturnstocamera.

HUMANREPORTER#1
Fairenough.Therobotlives.

Alldroidsturnandlookatreporter.Droidbeinginterviewed
shakesheadwithhandonhead.

DROID
Donotcallusrobots.Thatisaderogatory
termtouse.Wearesomuchmorethantincans
thatareyourplaytoys.

HUMANREPORTER#1
Well,youarearobot,amIwrong?Youremade
ofmetalandyourenothingmorethana
program.

DROID
Stopcallingusrobots,now.

HUMANREPORTER#1
Robots,robots,robots.

Restofhumanreportersjoininandstart
mockingdroidbeinginterviewed.Allare
laughingandjoking.Reporterdroidsjustturn
tointerviewedDROID.

DROID
Enough!

Droidstandsupwhileslammingthetable.

DROID
Youshallpayforyourignorance.Youhaveno
righttolookdownonus.

DROIDthenjumpsintocrowd.Chaosbreaksoutintheinterview
roomasdroidsandhumansfight.Thefightspreadsintothe
streetsandthenleadsintopreviousvideofrombeginning.

CUTTO:
INT.HISTORYCHANNELDOCUMENTARYSET2

TheNARRATORissittingdowninachairwithawhitebackground.
Theroomlooksveryempty,exceptfortheNARRATORandthechair
hesitson.

NARRATOR
Fromthatyearonward,droidswerethen
acknowledgedtohaveconsciousness.Ofcourse
theywerentgiventhesamerightsashumans.
Thoseweredifferentbattlesfordifferent
times.Nowlet'sfastforwardtotheyear3900
whenAIswereacknowledgedashumansandcould
finallymarrytheonestheyloved.
7

CUTTO:
EXT.UNITEDSTATESCAPITOLBUILDINGDAY

NewsreportwithMAN,standingnexttoaDROIDandaWOMANnext
tohim,whileheholdsamicrophonetotheDROID.

MAN
HowdoyoufeelnowthatCongresspassedthis
historiclegislation?

DROID
Ifinallyfeelaccepted.AndnowthatIhave
therightslikeahumanIcannowmarrytheone
Ilovedearly.

DROIDlooksovertoWOMANandhugsher,andcontinuestohold
herhand.
MAN
Howaboutyou?Howdoyoufeelafterthe
legislation?

Turnstowomanandfacesmicrophonetoher.

WOMAN
IfeelecstatictoknowthatnowIcanmarry
theonewhostolemyheart,nomatterifhehas
aphysicalbeatingheartoranartificial
battery.

MANturnsfromthecoupleandfacesthecamera.

MAN
Asyoucanseethiscoupleisverythrilledfor
thenewlegislation.Asaremillionsofother
AIsandAIownersaroundtheworld.Backto
you.
CUTTO:
INT.HISTORYCHANNELDOCUMENTARYSET2

NARRATORsitsintheemptyroomwiththechairandwhite
background.
NARRATOR
Afterthatyearalldroidswerenowequalswith
humansandtherewasnowar.Everythingwas
perfect.Orsoeveryonethought.Intheyear
4016alienscametoEarth.Atfirsttheycame
insmallnumbers,butthentheyeventually
startedcomingbythethousands.Overwhelmedby
thealienpopulation,thesittingPresidentin
4045waspressuredtothinkofsomethingto
stopthismassimmigration.
CUTTO:

Videoofalienimmigrantsrunningindifferentdirectionsand
scattering.Aliensthatstayedareresistingarrestandare
fightingback.Zoominonalieninverbaldebatewithofficer.

CUTTO:
INT.PresidentialInterviewRoom

VideoofthePRESIDENTaddressingthenationinfrontofastage
nexttohisSecretService.

PRESIDENT
WhenEizunosendsitsinhabitants,theyrenot
sendingtheirbest.TheyresendingZunansthat
havelotsofproblems,andtheyrebringing
thoseproblemswiththem.Theyrebringing
drugs.Theyrebringingcrime.Theyrerapists.
Andsome,Iassume,aregoodZunans.

Weneedto
stopthisillegalmigrationmadness.Ipropose
tobuildaspacestationsurroundingtheEarth
thatwillactasawalltoblockoutthealien
filth.
CUTTO:

INT.NEWSROOM

ANCHORMANsittingatdeskandanimageofthecoexiststicker
circledandcrossedoutinredofftotheside.

ANCHORMAN
Breakingnews,aprotestistakingplacein
frontoftheCityHallBuildinginNew
Washington.

ANCHORMANholdshandtoear,likehesgettingareport.

ANCHORMAN
Imgettingreportsthatafighthasbrokenout
inthestreetsbetweenhumansandaliens.
CUTTO:
EXT.NEWWASHINGTONCITYHALLBUILDING

Videoofafightbreakoutinthestreetsofdowntown.

HUMAN1
Gobacktowhereyoucamefrom!Wedon'twant
yourGod!

ALIEN1
Whoareyoutotelluswhattobelieve?You
arroganthumans!

HUMAN2
Go,begone,youshallbedamnedtoHellfor
yourbeliefs!Thereisnoplaceforyouhere!
Thisisourplanet!

HUMAN2andALIENgetintobrawl,cameramangetsstuckinmiddle
offight,cameragoesfrizzy,thenblacksout.

INT.HISTORYCHANNELDOCUMENTARYSET

NARRATORlookssadwhilesittingdowninhischair,infrontof
thewhitebackground.

10

NARRATOR
Historyhasnotlearnedfromitspastand
hasntchangedatall,eventsareverysimilar
totheOldenTimesintheearly2000s.Tunein
nexttimetoseethe2020Presidentialdebate
betweenBernieSandersandKanyeWest.
FADEOUT:

Basta!

WrittenBy

IvanGonzalez
MariellaDelfino
ChristianVidrios

11

FADEIN:

INT.NATIONALCOUNCILOFLARAZAHEADQUARTERSDAY

AlargecrowdofstaffmembersandstudentsfromtheNational
CouncilofLaRaza,aLatinorightsgroup,aregatheredinan
auditoriumeagerlywaitingtohearHILLARYCLINTONspeak.The
PRESIDENTOFNCLRapproachesthepodiumonstageandaddresses
thecrowd.

PRESIDENTOFNCLR:
Let'sgiveawarmNCLRwelcometo
DemocraticPresidentialcandidate,
SecretaryHillaryClinton.

Thecrowderuptsinapplauseandcheering.AsHillaryClinton
walksuponstage,bannersdropshowinghercampaignsponsors
includingTacoBell,PacePicante,andlastlyTabasco.Hillary
Clintonwalkstowardsthepodium,wearingaMexicanponcho.

HILLARYCLINTON
(poorpronunciationinaMexicanaccent)
Holaatodos!Gracias,gracias,muchas
graciastotheCouncilofLaRazafor
havingme.Youknow,Iwasn'tawarethat
todaywasthedaythatIwouldhavethe
opportunitytospeaktoallofyou.So,I
justgotoutofbed,threwonmyfavorite
12

poncho,andatesomechilaquiles.Nowthat
Iamhere,IcanaddresssomeissuesweALL
asAmericanscaredeeplyabout.Withthat
beingsaid,Iwouldlovetotakequestions
fromthecrowdsothatwecanworktosolve
ournationsproblemstogether.Iamalways
morethenhappytohelpmyfamilia!

ROBERTO,ayoungHispanicstudent,approachesthemicrophoneto
askHILLARYCLINTONaquestion.

ROBERTO
Hi,mynameisRoberto.Iamastudentfrom
UCSDandIcomefromalowincomefamily.
Itshardformyparentstopayformy
collegetuition,andIamwonderinghowyou
willhelplowincomefamiliespayfora
highereducation.

HILLARYCLINTON
Juan,whatagreatquestion.Ihavesome
ideas.Iknowthataffordingfoodis
difficultforlowincomefamilies,andI
knowhowimportantbeansandricearefor
youguys,trustmetheyarejustas
importanttome.So,Iwillmakeitmyduty
tolowerthecostofbeans.Withthatbeing
said,Ithinkthatyouguyswillsurelybe
abletoaffordahighereducation.

AssoonafterHILLARYCLINTONansweredthequestion,amariachi
bandstartstoplay.

ROBERTOandothermembersoftheaudienceexchangeconfused
glancesafterHILLARYCLINTONsanswer.

HILLARYCLINTON

13

Doesanyonehavemorequestions?Alsoifby
anychanceyouhavetime,youshouldreally
trytheseTostilocos.

HILLARYCLINTONpullsoutabagofTostilocosfromunderthe
podiumandstartseatingthem.

HILLARYCLINTON(CONTD)
Theyarereallygood!Ohanddon'tforget
toaddchamoy,it'sthebestpart!

CONNOR,anothermemberoftheNationalCouncilofLaRaza,
standsupandwalkstothepodiumtoaskanotherquestionto
HILLARYCLINTON.

CONNOR
TheUSeconomyhasimproved,however
manycommunitiescontinuetostruggle
withkeepinglongtermjobs.How
willyouhelpussolvethisproblem?

HILLARYCLINTON
Goodquestion,Juan.

CONNORlooksannoyed.

CONNOR
MynameisConnor...

HILLARYCLINTON
Well,youseeJuan,Iwastalkingabout
thisproblemwithmybestfriend,Sonia
Sotomayor,onahotSundayafternoon
drinkinghomemadehorchata.Ohandbythe
way,Ihavemyownrecipeifyouguyswould
liketoknowit.Also,Idonotthinkthat
jobsoreducationshouldeverbelimitedby
race,ethnicity,orzipcode.

14

WhenCONNORwalksbacktohisseat,CARLOSthenstandsuptoask
anotherquestion.

CARLOS
Hillary,Iwanttoknowhowwillyou
helpimprovetheblacklivesmatter
movement?Howwillyouplayastronger
roleinthisareathanother
candidates?

HILLARYCLINTON
Juan,lastweekIwenttoMexico,and
Ihadsomuchfun.

CARLOS
Imsorry,butwhatdoesthathavetodo
withtheblacklivesmattermovement?

HILLARYCLINTON
Yeah,Mexicowasbeautiful,lovethe
people!Letmetakecareofthat,youguys
don'tworry.

Theaudiencebeginstogrumbleandwhisperwithdissatisfaction.

Hillarybeginstogetnervousbecauseofthenoisesfromthe
crowdandbeadsofsweatdripdownherforehead.

HILLARYCLINTON
Nowtherealreasonyou'llvoteforme
iseasy!BecauseI'mlikeyourabuela!

AbannerthathasalistofreasonswhyHILLARYCLINTONisjust
likeyourabueladropsbehindheronthestage.Apictureof
HILLARYCLINTONwithMarcAnthonyisthebackdrop.

HILLARYCLINTONthenleavesthestagesmiling.Shehighfivesa
stafferandwhispers.

15

HILLARYCLINTON
Totallynailedthat.IhavetheHispanic
votelockeddown.

CutbacktotheauditoriumwheremembersoftheNCLRdiscuss
votingforBernieSanders.

16

AmericasCrumblingYouth

WrittenBy

SofiaDelgado
TravisTatad
CarlArnesto
AustinHernandez

17

FADEIN:

INT.HIGHSCHOOLDay

Studentswalkthroughthehallways,jokingwithoneanother.Two
studentsrunquicklytoclasswhileanotherdribblesa
basketball.Thehostvoicenarratesthescene.Hisvoiceisdeep
andconfident.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Societyisconstantlychanging,withthe
futureofAmericansocietyinthehandsof
theyoung,theyouth.Sadly,notenoughof
ourteenagepopulationtakesadvantageof
theirabilitytoengageinthepolitical
atmospherearoundus.Instead,theirfocus
ispulledinfrivolousdirectionsbysocial
mediaanddistractionsoftheinternetage.
Forourconcernonsuchasubject,we
experimentedbyinterviewingfourteenagers.
Hello,mynameisJohnJohnston,herewe
willpresentourjourneythroughtheresults
ofthisessentialexperimenttoproveour
point.

CUTSTO:

Theinterviewer,JOHNJOHNSTON,isinthehallsofHighTech
High,lookingforyoungadultstointerview.Thecamerapansto
differentangleswhileheasksseveralstudentstobe
interviewed,butallofthesestudentsdecline.JOHNJOHNSTON
finallyfindssomeonetoask:agirl,holdingaphoneanda
Starbuckscup,withsunglasseson.Shedoesn'tseemvery
interestedintheideaofbeingaskedaboutpolitics,butstill
speaks.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Assomeonewhojustturned18,whoareyouvoting
forthiselection?
18


STARBUCKSGIRL
Ugh..Likenoneofthecandidatesseem,like
interestingtome,butlike,theyreallreally
boring!Youknow?

STARBUCKSGIRLimmediatelytakesasipfromherStarbuckscup
andtypesonherphone.JOHNJOHNSTONissurprisedbyherapathy
andunwillingnesstoproperlyrespond.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Uhhhhh,alright?

CUTSTO:

JOHNJOHNSTONfindsasecondcandidatetoask:averytiresome
youngman,17yearsofage,withahoodieandaconfusedface
allaround.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Hey,Ijustwantedtoaskaquickquestion.

TIREDTEEN
Fireaway.

JOHNJOHNSTON
WhatdoyouthinkaboutMartinOMalley?

TIREDTEEN
WhothehellisMartinOManley?!

CUTSTO:

JOHNJOHNSTONgetsathirdinterviewee:atall18yearoldboy,
hasearphoneson,andismovingslightlytothebeat.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Hi,Ijustwantedtoaskaveryquickquestion.

19

MUSICLOVINGTEEN
Errrm,alright.

JOHNJOHNSTON
WhatdoyouthinkaboutDonaldTrumpsaggressive
speechtowardsMarcoRubio?

MUSICLOVINGTEENremovesleftearphone.

MUSICLOVINGTEEN
Wwhat?YouwannatogotoRubios?

CUTSTO:

JOHNJOHNSTONfindsafourthinterviewee,aguyreadytogoto
thebeach,withtowelinhand,andsandals.

JOHNJOHNSTON
HeycanIaskyouaquestion?

SURFERTEEN
Ofcourse.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Doyoucare

SURFERTEEN
Not.

JOHNJOHNSTON
What?

SURFERTEEN
Ofcoursenot.

TheSURFERTEENgigglesuncontrollably.JOHNJOHNSTONrollshis
eyes.

20

JOHNJOHNSTON
Well,Imgoingtoaskanyway.

SURFERTEEN
Waitwha

JOHNJOHNSTONcutsoffSURFERTEENimmediately.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Doyoucareaboutwho'sgonnabethenext
president?

SURFERTEEN
Therealquestionis,didyouseethosemadwaves
bro?!Surfsupbro!

RAPIDLYCUTSTO:

Screengoestostaticnoise,andchangesintoJOHNJOHNSTON
talkingexcitedlytothecamera.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Breakingnews,wehavereceivednewsthatanew
candidatehasthrowntheirhatintotheringin
ordertomakehisbidfortheUnitedStates
Presidency.

INT.INTERVIEWROOMDAY

FADESTO:

Screengoesblack,andchangestoaninterviewroom,JOHN
JOHNSTONistherestandingandtalkingtothecamera.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Wewereluckyenoughtogetanexclusive
interviewwithnewPresidentialcandidate:Mr.
KanyeWest.
21


CUTSTO:

KANYEWESTbeginstotalk.
JOHNJOHNSTON
So,Mr.WesthowcanwemakeAmericagreatagain?

MR.WEST
Ohh,yaknowwejustgonna,yeah.Albumdrops
duringsummeryo.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Interesting,Iguess.So,howdoyoufeelabout
ourcountry'sweakandcrumblinginfrastructure?

MR.WEST
Wegottamakesureitdoesntcrumble.Hah,Hah.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Umm,ok.DoyousupportthewaragainstISIS?

MR.WEST
Wait,whatcountryisISISagain?

INT.HIGHSCHOOLDAY

CUTSTO:

JOHNJOHNSTONsuddenlyendstheinterviewandgoesbacktothe
schoolhalls,withthegoaloflearningwhatpeoplehavetosay
aboutthebreakingnews.

JOHNJOHNSTON
AfterhearingwhatMr.Westhadtosayaboutthe
crucialandpressingissuesforAmerica,weare
goingtofindoutwhatsomeoftheteenshaveto
sayabouthim.

CUTSTO:
22


JOHNJOHNSTONiswalkingwithafastpacetowardsSTARBUCKS
TEEN.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Withallthebuzzsurroundingthenewcandidate,
whowillyoubevotingfor?

STARBUCKSTEEN
Kanye,whoelse?

JOHNJOHNSTON
Whyareyouvotingforhim?

STARBUCKSTEEN
Becausehereallyuhhhuhhuhhh,yaknow,hes
reallygoodatehhuhh.

CUTSTO:

JOHNJOHNSTONturnstoaskanotheryoungadultforinputonthe
news,thistimeitistheTIREDTEEN.

JOHNJOHNSTON
WhyareyouvotingforKanye?

TIREDTEEN
Um,(smallpause).No,Ilikethatonethinghe
saidaboutummm...yeah

JOHNJOHNSTON
Hehasntevensaidanypoliticalideasyet.

JOHNJOHNSTONfacepalmsandshakesheadinfrustration.

CUTSTO:

23

JOHNJOHNSTONisspeakingovercameraanglesofteenagers
talkingtoeachotherandsaysthislineandgraduallygetsmore
sadandhopeless.

JOHNJOHNSTON
Fromourrealresultswecanseethatteenagers
aresimplyjustnotinvolvedinpoliticsasmuch
astheycouldbe.Wemustmakesure,thatasa
nationweencourageouryoungtoparticipatein
politics.Whatkindofafuturedowehavewhen
ouryouthismorepreoccupiedwithactorsand
singersandsportsplayersandcelebritiesand
theKardashiansandLebronandSocialMediaand
YouTubersandSuperheroesandRockstarsand
Comediansand(LongPause)themselves.

FADEOUT

THEEND

24

RECRUITMENTVINECOMPOFISIS

WrittenBy

AaronAyala
LilyMacias
KatRendon

25

FADEIN:

TheISISflagwaving,ISISmembersposeinfrontoftheflag.
COMMENTATOR,amanwithadeepvoicebeginstospeak.

COMMENTATOR(O.S.)
ISISwillsurelytakeovertheworld.With
ouradvancedmilitarytraining,global
connections,DonaldTrumpleadingAmericas
governmentandarmedforces,andourvast
recruitingnetwork,Americadoesntstanda
chance.

VideoshowsabackgroundofanISISflag,withAmericanflag
burning.

CUTTO:
INT.ISIScamponLibyasMediterraneancoastDAY

ISISRECRUITER,manwearingskimask,amilitaryvestovera
tshirt,andadarkscarfaroundhisneckaddressesthecamera.

ISISRECRUITER
Weusevariousnetworkstofindour
differentmembers.Wehavebeenusingsecret
websitesthatneedencryptionkeywords,like
Facebook.Wegetmostofourrecruitersfrom
Twitter,wherewereachouttoeveryteenage
girlbetweentheagesof13and18.
CUTTO:

CameraswitchestotheISISTWITTERMANAGER,manwearingaski
mask,wearingamilitaryvestthathasTwitterspraypainted.

ISISTWITTERMANAGER
Ohyeah,sotoattracttheseteenagegirls,
wehavetomakeitseemthatwecareabout
thingsthattheywouldbeinterestedin.For
26

example,takealookofthispictureofa
recenttweetwesent.

CUTTO:
PICTUREOFTWEET
Thetweetreads:JoinISIS,ISISiscool#Kylielipkit
#wastehertime2016#DamnDaniel
CUTTO:
COMMENTATOR
Andwealsohavethebestlocalrecruitment
techniques.

EXT.CITYWITHISISRECRUITMENTSTANDDAY

AstandwithacardboardsignwithISISwritteninSharpieis
visible.Someonewalksupanddonatesaquarter,thinkingit'sa
lemonadestand.

CUTTO:

COMMENTATOR
Wealsohavemoreadvancedtrainingstyles
andtechniquesthananyothermilitary,with
varioustrainerssuchasJillianMichaels
andBobHarpertohelptherecruitsgetinto
shape.OnNBCeveryThursdaynight!ISIS
BiggestLoser!

CUTTO:

ISISMEMBER1
Phew,thisISIStrainingsureistough!I
meanjustlook.

CUTTO:
ISISHQBIGGESTLOSERFARMDAY

JillianMichaelsisinadirtfieldsurroundedbyrollinghills.
ThereareISIStraineesbehindherstrugglingonworkout
27

equipment.

JILLIANMICHAELS
Unlessyoupuke,faint,ordie,KEEPGOING!
Letsgo,go,go!Roll,roll,roll!You're
notgoingtomakeitintoISISifyoure
crawlingonthefloor,cryingtogoback
home!

CUTTO:

SeveralISISmembersrolldownthehill,cryinginpain.Other
members,closertoJillian,arestrugglingtodoasingle
pushup.

CUTTO:

JILLIANMICHAELS
YouknowwhenISISkidnappedmeandtoldme
totraintheirnewrecruits,atfirstI
didntknowifIreallywantedto.Theytold
methatIwouldbekilledifIdidnt,soI
figureditwasanobrainer.Imean,aslong
asImhelpingpeoplegetstrongerand
fasterandloseweightintheprocess,does
itmatteritreallymatterthattheyrean
internationalterroristnetwork?

CUTTO:
BOBHARPERtryingtomakehimselflooktallerandstartsto
encouragetheISIStrainees.

BOBHARPER
Iknowyouguyscandoit.Wecantbeat
Jillianifwe'renottryingharder!More
burpees,moresitups!

TheISISmemberstrytokeepupwiththeexercisesandBOBand
28

JILLIANSdemands.Theyaresweatingveryhard,withtheirski
maskson,obstructingtheirbreathing.

ALISONSWEENEY
Hi,ImyourhostforBiggestLoser:ISIS.
Thosewhomakeitundertheyellowlineare
killedandbeheaded.

BIGGESTLOSERCOMPETITOR#1
Whoa!Killed?Theyrejustjokingright?I
didn'tknowwewouldbekilled.

ALISONSWEENEY
Ofcourse,hereattheBiggestLoserwetake
fitnessveryseriously.Well,let'sgetback
totheshow.

CUTTO:

COMMENTATOR
Wehavetheultimatemilitaristictactics
andequipmentinthehistoryofhumankind,
toofaradvancedtocomprehend.

CUTTO:
ISISmembersarehuddledaroundcardboardboxesplayingcard
games.

ISISMEMBER
Whendoyouthinkwewillbeabletoafford
chairs?

COMMENTATOR
ISISwillalsoovercomeothercountries
eventually,specificallyAmerica.Withthe
currentcandidates,weresetforlife.
CUTTO:

StreamsegmentsfromDonaldTrumpsspeeches.
29


DONALDTRUMP
Ihavegoodrelationwiththeblacks.Ilove
theblacks.

DONALDTRUMP
(Distantbarking)Isthatadog?(Pause)Oh,
itsHillary.

DONALDTRUMP
Theysaytheydon'tcareabouttheirlives,
youhavetotakeouttheirfamilies.

CUTTO:

COMMENTATOR
Lookingatthecurrentstateoftheworld,
wewillprevail.Wewillsucceed.Wewill
begintheNewWorldOrder.We.Are.ISIS.
FindusonSnapchatandTwitter!Usethe
hashtags#ISISRules#JoinISISToday#BroStuff
towinafreeISIStee,andDMus
@xXISISRools4Evah420Xx!

FadeISISflagtoblack.

30

MensesGlasses

WrittenBy

AlejandraVillanueva
JaninzkaBelendez
DanielWoods

31


FADEIN:

INT.OFFICE/STUDIODAY

PATRICIAissittingworkingnexttohercoworker,LISA,whois
doingresearchontheBernieSanderscampaignwebsite.JOSH
comesupandlaughs.

JOSH
Awthatssocute!Lookatyougettingall
intopolitics,goodforyou!

LISAlooksupandsmilesinagreement.

CUTTO:

INT.OFFICEBREAKROOMDAY

PATRICIAiswithherfriends,GWENandSTACY,eatinglunchin
thebreakroomandherfriendbeginstowashhertupperware.
PATRICIAnoticesthegroupofmalecoworkersstandinginthe
corner,whisperingtoeachotherandlookingatGWEN.PATRICIA
looksconfusedastowhytheyarelaughingandwhispering.

CUTTO:
INT.HALLWAYDAY

PATRICIAwalkspastagroupofmalecoworkersandagainnotices
theywhisperandlaughather.Again,sheisextremelyconfused.

WANDA
(Voiceover)
Areyouconfusedastowhythesemenare
laughingatyou?Doyoueverjustwishyou
couldseewhattheysee?Well,nowyoucan!
Afteryearsofresearchandputtingthemost
brilliantmindsknowntomantothetest,we
32

managedtocreatethisbrandnewandNEVER
beforeseenproduct.

PATRICIAisnoddingherheadinagreement,lookingatthe
camera.

CUTTO:
INT.BLANKROOMDAY

WANDAwalksintoanemptyroomwithglassesdisplayedona
table.

WANDA,youngwomandressedinasuitwithvolumizedhair,steps
intotheroomandheadstowardsthemiddletable.

WANDA
HiImWanda,thecreatorofMenses.With
ournewstateoftheartglasses,youcan
finallyseeeverythingfromtheperspective
ofmen.
Theseglasseswillguaranteeyouaclear
perspectiveofhow99.9%ofthemale
populationviewwomen,children,food,
clothes,etc.,younameit!Theprocedureis
simple,simplyfindamomentinwhichyou
believetheMenseswillbenecessary.Once
youhavefoundthatmoment,justputthe
Mensesonandthereyougo!Simpleas1,2,
3!

CUTTO:

ClipofPATRICIAbeingpresentinasituationwheretheglasses
arenecessary.

INT.OFFICEDAY

33

PATRICIAissittingnexttoherfemalecoworker,LISA,whois
lookingattheBernieSanderscampaign.JOSH,amalecoworker,
comesupfrombehindandlaughsatLISA.

JOSH
Awthatssocute!Lookatyougettingall
intopolitics,goodforyou!

LISAlooksupandsmilesinagreement.

PATRICIAnoticesJOSHkeepslaughingandputsontheglasses.
ThescreenisnowonaHillaryClintoncoloringpageandLISAis
coloringitin.

PATRICIA
Wow!IwouldveneverhaveguessedthatIam
clearlyabrainlesswomanwhocanonlyvote
foranotherwoman!

CUTTO:

INT.BLANKROOMDAY

WANDAisstandingbehindthetablewithglassesdisplayed.

WANDA
TheMensesareaperfectwayforwomento
seewhatmenwantanddesire!Nowyoudont
havetoguesswhattheyrethinkingbecause
youwillalwaysbeontopoftheirvision!

CUTTO:
INT.OFFICEBREAKROOMDAY

ClipofSTACYinofficebreakroomwithfriends,PATRICIAand
GWEN.GWENisdoneeatingherfoodandbeginstowashher
tupperware.STACYnoticesthegroupofmalecoworkershuddled
inthecornerwhispering.STACYputsonglassesandnowsees
34

GWENdressedinhousewifeattirewhilewashingmultipledishes
insteadofone.

STACYturnstocamera.

STACY
(sarcasticallyandoverexcited)
Wow!ThankstomynewMensesIrealizedmen
dontviewmeasahardworkingindependent
women,butasahousewife!ThanksMenses,
nowIknowwhereIbelong!

CUTTO:
INT.BLANKROOMDAY

WANDAshowsthedifferentcoloredMenses.

WANDA
TheMensesareperfectforanyoccasion!And
thebestpartistheycomein5stylishand
fashionablecolorsbecausethatisallwe
womencareabout!

CUTTO:
INT.MEETINGDAY

ClipoftheSupremeCourtJusticesgatheredaroundatableall
talkingandlaughing.

ROBERTS
Ah,wellAntoninScaliawillbemissed,he
reallywasafunguy,but,hey!Speakingof
which,didyouguyshearthenominations
willbeginsoon?

Allnodinagreementandwhispertoeachother.

ROBERTS
35

YouknowIreallyhopewegetaman,wesure
needmoremeninhere,amIrightfellas?

Therestofthemenlaughinagreement.KAGANandSOTOMAYORlook
confused.

KAGAN
Well,Iwasthinking,howaboutawoman?It
seemstomethatthewomentomenratiois
prettylow.

AllmaleSupremeCourtJusticeslaughheartily.

ROBERTS
(stilllaughing)
Nowwhywouldweaddmorewomen,wehave
enoughalready!

SOTOMAYORputsonglassesandnowthereappearstobemorewomen
thanmen.SOTOMAYORturnstocamera.

SOTOMAYOR
Youknow,Iusedtothinkweneededmore
womeningovernmentandpoliticsbut,thanks
totheMensesIcanclearlyseewehave
enough!Whyeven
have
women!(laughs)

CUTTO:
INT.BLANKROOMDAY
WANDA
Thebestpartaboutourglassesistheyare
extremelycheap.Soyouwomenthatgetpaid
lessthanyourmalecoworkerscanafford
them!Thereisnothingtoworryabout!So
stopbeingconfusedandbuyyournewMenses
today!

CUTTO:

36

Clipofglassesonaspinningtable.Alonglistofcredits
begintoroll.

VOICEOVER
Mensesareexclusivelysoldonline,goto
www.Menses.comandmakesuretoorderyour
newMensestoday!Sideeffectsmayinclude,
colorblindness,malepatternbaldness,
unnecessaryamountofselfconfidence,and
theinabilityrememberanniversaries.And
pleaseseekhelpfromamantohelpyou
orderthesebecauseweallknowyoucantdo
itonyourown!

37

IfDonaldTrumpWereYourHighSchoolTeacher

WrittenBy

BrianNunez
IsaacFregoso
RafaelFelix
ValleryWilson

38

Fadein:

INT.SchoolClassroom.Morning.

DONALDTRUMPentersclassroomandstandsinfrontoftheclass.

DONALDTRUMP
Everyoneshutupandlisten,classisabout
tobegin.

ABDUL,aMuslimstudent,issittingatatablewithAfrican
Americanstudents.

DONALDTRUMP
Abdul,whatareyoudoing?

ABDULlooksaroundconfused.DonaldTrumpgoesovertoAbduls
table.

DONALDTRUMP
Abdul,theMuslimtableisoverthereplease
leaveeveryoneelsealone.

ABDULstandsup.
ABDUL
Mr.Trump,mayIaskyouaquestion?Why
exactlydoyouwantustositwithacertain
race?Dontyouthinkyourebeingabit
racist?

ABDULsitsdownattheMuslimtable.

DONALDTRUMP
Well,youknow,whenitcomestoracismand
beingracist,Iamtheleastracistperson
thereis.AndIthinkmostpeoplethatknow
mewellwouldtellyouthat.Iamtheleast
racist,Ivehadgreatrelationshipswith
theblacks.
39


Classroomlooksaroundconfused.

DONALDTRUMP
Anyways,todaysclasswillbeabouthow
Americacanbegreatagainandwhatwecan
dotomakeitstrongonceagain!Doesanyone
haveanygoodideas?

CRYSTALslowlyraiseshand.

CRYSTAL
Mr.TrumpIthinkthewaywecanimprove
Americaisbyhavingequalrightsforwomen
andmen!Everyonegettingpaidevenlyand
womennotjustbeingseenashomemakers,
maybelikeourexpresidentialcandidate,
HillaryClinton!Wouldntitbegreatto
havethefirsteverfemalepresident?

TRUMPsmilesatCRYSTAL.

DONALDTRUMP
Crystalthatisahorribleidea.Wherewould
yougetanidealikethat?IfHillary
Clintoncantsatisfyherhusband,what
makesherthinkshecansatisfyAmerica?Any
moreGOODIDEAS?

EveryoneintheclassstaysquietthenCHRISTIANslowlyraises
hishand.

CHRISTIAN
Ihaveone,whatifwefindawaytopromote
blacklivesmatteroralllivesmatter?Its
suchabigdealinsocialmediaandmaybewe
cancreateanInstagramtospreadawareness.

40

DONALDTRUMP
Whatsupwithalltheseawfulideas?I
personallythinkthatsadly,because
PresidentObamahasdonesuchapoorjobas
President,youwontseeanotherblack
presidentforgenerations!Sonothingabout
BLACKPEOPLEORNONEOFTHATHASHTAGCRAP.

Onestudentgrabshisthingsandleavesthetheclassroomwith
anger.

DONALDTRUMP
Guys,Imreallylookingforthebright
ideaslikemine.Youallwanttobea
successfulpersonlikeme,butithasnot
beeneasyforme.IstartedoffinBrooklyn,
myfathergavemeasmallloanofamillion
dollars.

TRUMPSwigslowlystartstoslideoffthetopofhishead.

CRYSTALraiseshand.

CRYSTAL
Mr.Trump,um,yourwigiscomingoffabit.

DONALDTRUMP
Aseverybodyknows,butthehatersand
losersrefusetoacknowledge,Idonotwear
awig,Myhairmaynotbeperfect,but
itsmine.

TRUMPSactuallywearingawigandthewigstartsfallingoff
andhedoesnothingaboutit.

CRYSTAL
Sorry,Imjusttryingtohelpyou

DONALDTRUMP
41

Alright,enoughofthat,youcantakeawalk
andwhileyoureatitYOUREFIRED.

CRYSTALrunsoutcrying.

DONALDTRUMP
Everyonetakeabreakandcomebackwhen
yourheadsareoutofyourass.

Everyonegetsupfastandleavestheclassroomandonestudent,
PETER,staysbehindtotalktoTRUMP.

PETER
SorryMr.Trumpforgettingyouatabad
time,butImsosorryforyourterrible
lossduringthe2016election.Itsclear
thatitsstressingyouout.Thatwasa
horriblelossagainstBernieSanders,but
howdoesitfeeltoallofasuddenbea
teacher?

DONALDTRUMP
Ihavetosayalotofpeoplehavebeen
askingthisquestion.No,really.Alotof
peoplecomeuptomeandtheyaskme,How
doesitfeeltobeateacherafterrunning
forpresident?AndItellthem,lookwe
knowwhatateacheris.Wevehadalmost
eightyearsoftheworstkindofteachers
youcanimagine.Ohmygod,Icantbelieve
it.

PETER
Mr.Trump,Iamjustaskingasimple
question,howdoesitfeeltobeateacher?

DONALDTRUMP
Youasktoomanyquestions,yourefired!

42

PETER
Youknowwhat,youcantfireme.Iactually
heardthatPrincipalOMalleysaidhewas
goingtofireyouprettysoonbecauseyoure
soclosemindedandbadatyourjob.

DONALDTRUMP
PrincipalOMalley,disgustingbothinside
andout.Youtakealookathim,hesa
slob.Hetalkslikeatruckdriver,he
doesntgivehisfacts,hellsayanything
thatcomestohismind,hellsayanything
thatcomestohismind.Hefailedwhenhe
wasaschoolteacher.Thegradeswentvery
veryverylowandverybad,Imeanhes
basicallyadisaster.

PETER
OkayIactuallyhavetogonow.

PETERstartswalkingoutofclassroom.

PETER(underhisbreath)
Thankgoodness,hewouldvebeenaterrible
president.

DONALDTRUMP
Anytime!Remember,makeAmericagreatagain!
VoteTrump2024!Anddontforgettoturnin
yourpaperonwhytheMexicansshouldpay
forthewall.

43

Noah'sArk

WrittenBy

KristinaSpringer
VeronicaMartinez
OscarOchoa

44


FADEIN:

INT.DONALDTRUMP'SLIVINGROOM

Theyearis2100,thesettingisinaalternatedimension
similartoours.Theeffectsofglobalwarmingaresevere
andtheriseinsealevelsiscausingcontinentstosink
underwater.AmannamedNOAH,fulfillingwhathebelieves
tobehisBiblicalduty,decidestobuildashipandgather
twoofallcreaturestosavetheirspecies.
DONALDTRUMP
watchesthenewscastreportingthisstoryfromhisliving
roomcouch.

INT.NEWSSTATION.Day.

ANEWSANCHORstandsinfrontofascreenshowingicebergs
collapsing,peopleholdingtheendisnearsigns,and
catastrophicdestruction.

NEWSANCHOR
Goodevening,youarewatchingNNCnews.
Wecometoyoutodaywithbreakingnewsand
anupdateontheicecapsthataremelting
inthenorth.Itseemsthattheworldisin
greatperil,andwerecommendevacuating
towardsthecenterofthecontinent
immediatelyastheicecoldwaterfromthe
icebergswillindefinitelypourintothe
inlandregions,makingitvery,verywet.
GODSPEEDTOALLOFYOU!
Nowheresthe
weather.

AWEATHERLADYuseshandmovementstowardsthegreen
screen.

45


WEATHERLADY
Thanks,thisweekwillbeabsolutely
beautiful!Tomorrowwewillbeexpecting
beautifulsunnyskies,andwillbeinthe
mid500s,whichisarecordlowforthis
timeofyear.OnWednesday,thereisahigh
percentageofhumidity,soitsdefinitely
timetohitthebeachesifyoucan.Itmay
bedifficultbecauseby12:00p.m.allof
thebeacheswillbeunderwater.Thursday,
sunnyskiesagain!Thatisallforyour
weeklyweather.Backtoyou!

NEWSANCHOR
Alrightsoontothenextstoryitseems
thattheAntarcticgovernmenthasfallen.

Imageofacutepenguininwaterpopsupincornerofscreen.

NEWSANCHOR
Ofcoursetheirgovernmentonlyconsistedof
penguins,butwestillseethisasa
terriblelossforhumanity.

NEWSANCHORputshandonearpiecereceivingatransmission.

NEWSANCHOR
Ohdear,Ijustreceivedcritical
information.TheentirecontinentofAsia
hassunkintotheIndianOceananditseems
thatNorthAmericasfoundationisquickly
deterioratingaswell!

CUTTO:
INT.DONALDTRUMP'SLIVINGROOM

DONALDTRUMPiswatchingthenewscast.Heperksupatthe
newsthatAsiahassunkenintotheIndianOcean.
46

DONALDTRUMP
AtleastwedonthavetotradewithChina
anymore.

Panstotelevisionscreen.

CUTTO:
INT.NEWSSTATION.DAY

NEWSANCHOR
Thisjustin!AmannamedNoahisbuildinga
boatrightatthismoment.Hementionedhe
wantstoensurethesafetyofhumanity,
thereforeheisgatheringtwoofevery
animalsohecanOh,thatsnotright,my
mistake.Itseemsasifalltheanimalsthat
wereoncealivearenowdead.

CUTTO:

EXT.NOAHSFRONTLAWN

ScreenswitchestoREPORTERholdingamicrophone.Arkisinthe
background.

REPORTER
Thankyou,thatisright,IamherewithNoah
asheisintheprocessofbuildingthis
massiveark.

REPORTERturnstowardNOAH.NoahhasaBurtReynolds
mustacheandhassnakeskinbootson,hehasacool
expressiononhisface,andtalkswithathickMexican
accent.

REPORTER
47

Noah,howdidyoucomeupwithsucha
brilliantidea?

NOAH
Well,youknowIjustfigured,sinceglobal
warminghasbeenterrorizingthisplanetfor
awhilenow,Ishouldjustbuildanarklike
mynamesakeintheBibledid.Iknewthe
capswouldmelteventually!

REPORTER
Now,yousayyouarebringingtwoofevery
animalonthisark,howwillyouattemptto
dothat?

NOAH
OhwellyesterdayIwenttoMacysand
boughtabout2lynxfurcoats,and3fox
furs,Icouldntaffordanymoreofemso
thatswhatwereworkingwith!

REPORTER
Sir,youdoknowthatthesecoatsyouhave
arentrealanimalsandyouaredoing
absolutely
nothing
tosavetheplanet?

NOAHscratcheshisheadnervously.

NOAH
Here,doyouwantone?

NOAHtakesoutafurcoatandhandsittoREPORTER,REPORTER
putsoncoatandsmiles.

REPORTER
Wow,whatatruehero,nowbacktoyouin
thestudio!

48

CUTTO:
INT.NEWSROOM.DAY

NEWSANCHOR
Whataninspiration,movingonearlier
today

CUTTO:
INT.DONALDTRUMP'SLIVINGROOM

DONALDTRUMP
Someonesbuildinganark?Ivegottoget
overthere.

DONALDTRUMPgetsupfromhiscouchandstartsheadingforthe
ark.

CUTTO:

INT.NEWSROOM.DAY

DONALDTRUMPappearsfromavideochatwiththereporterashe
isatthesceneoftheark.

DONALDTRUMP
IdoNOTthinkmycombovercantakethat
kindofmoisture.

REPORTER
Sirwearelive

DONALDTRUMPlooksdirectlyintothescreenandtalkswhile
usinganimatedhandmovements.

DONALDTRUMP
PeopleofAmerica,thereisnoglobal
warming,thisnewscastislyingtoyou.If
49

anything,Icanbuildawallandthe
floodingwillstop.

DONALDTRUMPwalksuptoNoah.

DONALDTRUMP
Hello,Ineedtogetontothisboat.HowwillI
continuemypresidencywhenIamdead?

NOAH
HolaSeor...wait...DonaldTrump?

DONALDTRUMP
Iwantaccesstothisvesselsir,Idonot
wishtobedeadbytheendofmyfirstterm.

CUTTO:
EXT.ICECAPS

DONALDTRUMPstandsontheboatsubmergedinwaterfromthe
meltedicecaps.

DONALDTRUMP
Ikeeptellingyouguys,theresnoglobal
warming.

Wavepassesoverscreen,andabubblingsoundeffectisplayed.

FADEOUT:

50

Palms

WrittenBy

SamuelArden
StephanieVargas
NadiaMehretab
MikyelSanchez

51

FadeIn:

EXT.AERIALVIEWOFDALLAS,TEXASDAY

EXT.CUTTODALLASINTERNATIONALAIRPORT

INT.AIRPORTDAY

QueuetoLINDSEYHASSAN,anIranianAmericanMuslimwaitingin
linetoboardherflight.Sheiswearingahijabandlooking
downatherphone.Infrontofherisacouple.Thewife,
MARTHA,iswearingfrayedmomjeans,aredbandana,andablue
shirtwithanAmericanFlagonit.Herhusband,BILL,iswearing
aMakeAmericaGreatAgainTShirt.

MARTHA
(whispering)
OhmyGod!OhmyGod!Bill!Bill!Lookbehind
us!

MARTHAlooksbehindtoseeLINDSEY.

BILL
(concerned)
OhGod!IsthatanISIS?

MARTHA
Yes.ShesMuslimSheswearingthe
hijabababa.

BILL
Ohno!Wellwhatcanwedoaboutit?

MARTHA
WeWILLfindoutwhatsheisuptoandsave
thisairplane.

52

BILL

ButMartha

MARTHAaggressivelyshakesherhead.

MARTHA
NuhuhuhBilldoyou
want
towitnessthe
next2016Paris?!Doyou?!Thesafetyofour
countrydependsoneveryAmericancitizen
doingtheirpart.

BILL
Damn,yourerightMARTHA!Wellmakesure
justiceisserved.Welldoacitizensarrest
ifwehaveto!

INT.CUTTOPLANEDAY

LINDSEYwalksdowntheaisleandpeoplebegintostareather.
Sheislookingforherseatnumberonacrowdedplanewhenshe
seesBILLandMARTHAmotionherover.Shewalkstotheirseats.

MARTHA
Hi,sweetheart!Comesitherewithmeandmy
husband.Theresnoonesittinginthisaisle
seathere.

LINDSEYsitsdown.

LINDSEY
Thankyousomuch!MynameisLindseyHassan.

Lindseyextendsherhand.Thecoupledoesnotmeetherhand.

MARTHA
AlrightLibya,yousaid?

53

LINDSEY
No,actuallyits

MARTHA
Youaresogorgeousdarling!Isntshejust
gorgeous?IwasjusttellingBillherehow
beautifulandexoticyoulook.Doesntshe
lookjustlikeJasminefromAladdin,Bill?

LINDSEYchucklesawkwardly.

BILL
Shedoes!MarthaandILOVEAladdin!So,tell
usaboutyourselfLaila?Areyouvisitingfrom
outsideofthecountry?

LINDSEY
MynameisLINDSEY,andImactuallyfrom
here:Dallas,Texas.Whereareyouguysfrom?

MARTHA
Ohreally?

MARTHAquicklyturnsaroundtoherhusband.

MARTHA
(whispering)
BILL!Thisisourchance!Wecansavethis
planeandthecityfromtheirdespicable
schemes!

TurnsbackaroundtowardsLINDSEY.

MARTHA(CONTD)
HmmmsotellmeLayla,doallthewomenin
yourmuskwearthatbirkenstock?

MARTHAMotionstoLINDSEYSheadcovering.
LINDSEY
54

ItsLindsey.Andactually,thisisahijab,
notaburqa.Ipersonallychoosetowearthe
hijabasachoiceofmodesty.Mysister,for
example,onlywearsthehijabatthemosque.

BILL
SoyouareMuslim!Butwhatkind?

LINDSEY
What?OhdoyoumeanlikeShiaorSunni?

BILL
NoIwasthinkingmorelikeISISorTaliban?

LINDSEYnervouslylaughs.

LINDSEY
ThosearentactualsectsofIslam.Thoseare
terroristorganizations

MARTHA
(clearsthroat)
Sodarling,tellusaboutwhereyoure
really
from?

LINDSEY
Iwasbornhereandraisedhere,butmymomis
fromIran.

BILL
Really?!Fascinating!Soyou
would
know!Tell
us!Wherearethenukes?!

LINDSEY
Nukes?What?Whywouldyouaskmethat?

MARTHA
(clearsthroat)
55

Well,youhavetobesomewhatinformed!Doyou
everhearaboutsecretplansatthemusk?

LINDSEY
Whatareyoutalkingabout?

BILL
Youknowwhatwemean,Latifah!

LINDSEY
ItsLinds

BILL
Inthemusk,doyoueverhearaboutthenext
terroristattacks?

LINDSEY
What?No!

MARTHA
Well,maybeyourejustnotlistening,honey?
Theycanslipinsomevitalinformation
betweenHollahwhochalkboardandwhatnot.

LINDSEY
MaybeIshouldlookformy
actualseat
?

LINDSEYstandsupandMARTHApullsherbackdown

MARTHA
Stayontopic,sweetie.Wouldyousaythat
about50%ofthepeopleyouknowarepartof
ISIS?

LINDSEY
What,no!Imsorry,butthesequestionsare
gettingveryoffensiveahhhchoo!

BILL
56

May
God
blessyoursoul.

LINDSEYrollshereyes.

BILL(CONTD)
So,onascaleof110,howecstaticwereyou
abouttheParisAttacks?

LINDSEY
Wait!Didyoujustsay
ecstatic
?

MARTHA
Thatisenough,BILL!

LINDSEY
(sighofrelief)
Thankyou!

MARTHAturnstoBILL.

MARTHA
(whispering)
Thisisntworking!Weregoingtohavetotry
adifferentapproach.

TheSTEWARDESSiswalkingdowntheaisletoremindpassengersto
puttheirbagsundertheirseatsandturnofftheirelectronic
devices.MARTHAturnstofindherandcallherover.

LINDSEY
Excuseme,butwhatdoyouguyskeep
whisperingtoeachother?

MARTHA
Excusememiss!Canyoupleasebringmeacup
ofsodawater?Myhusbandisfeelingextremely
lightheaded.

BILL
57

Martha...?

MARTHAquicklyturnstoherhusbandandmouthstheword
waterboard.MARTHAredirectsherattentiontothe
STEWARDESS.

STEWARDESS
Wouldyoulikeiceinyoursodawater?

MARTHA
No,andactually,makethattwocupsplease!

STEWARDESSnodsandwalksawayswiftly.MARTHAcommencesto
interrogateLINDSEY.

MARTHA
Listenhoney.Thismaynotmattertoyou,but
ifyouoryourfriendsareplanningtobomb
thisplaneorourbelovedcityofDallas,
Texasthenyouhaveanotherthingcomingfor
you.Allyouhavetodoistelluswherethey
are.

LINDSEY
WHOARETHEY?!

STEWARDESShasreachedtheirseatswiththetwocupsofwater.

STEWARDESS
Hereisyourwaterma'am.UmIstherea
problemhere?

MARTHA
No,werefine,thankyou.

STEWARDESSwalkstotheendoftheaislefacingwhereLINDSEY,
MARTHA,andBILLaresitting.

BILL
58

WHEREARETHEY!?

LINDSEY
WhereisWHAT?!

MARTHA
Iguesswellhavetodothisthehardway

MARTHAtakesthecupofsparklingwaterandthrowsthewater
ontoLINDSEYSface.

MARTHA
TELLUS!WHEREARETHEY?!Wherearethe
EXPLOSIVES?!

LINDSEY
(sputtering)
AREYOUGUYSFREAKINGINSANE?!

MARTHAthrowsanothercupofwaterontoasputteringLINDSEY.

LINDSEY
Whatareyoudoing?!

MARTHA
ImImwaterboardingyoutogetvital
information.

BILL
Martha.

MARTHAturnstoBILL.
BILL(CONTD)
Honey,thatain'twaterboarding

STEWARDESS
Imsorry,butweregoingtohavetoask
youtoleavetheplane.

59


MARTHA
Finally,wedidit,honey!Wesavedthis
plane!

MARTHAandherhusbandstanduptohelptheairlineofficials
escortLINDSEYofftheplane.

MARTHA
Alright,soIwouldrecommendtakingherto
the

STEWARDESS
ActuallyIwouldliketoask
you
and
your
husband
toleavetheplane.Youhave
harassedthiswomanandotherpassengers
withyourvile,vilebehaviour.

MARTHA
(gasps)
WE?!Wehavedonenothingwrong!Weare
tryingtosavethisairplanefromLeela
Mujahadeenoverhere

LINDSEY
(angrily)
ITSLINDSEY!

Officialscometoescortthecoupleofftheplaneandthecouple
ismoveddowntheaisleandofftheplane.

MARTHA
Icannotbelievethis!Doesanyoneseethe
absurdityofthis?

BILL
ThisisthecountryweliveinMartha.
Everyoneismoreconcernedwithbeingso
damnpoliticallycorrectthanwithsafety!
60


STEWARDESS
WeapologizeMs.Hassan.Wedliketo
compensateyoubyofferingyouaseatin
firstclass.

THEEND

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